It is a subject I too think is largely ignored in current psychological research and the media. I think it is a topic well worth your time and study.

I entered the post Grieving...lost everything...where is home. I think it is good that you found this forum. It is heartbreaking to read how so many of these "new wives" hate the children of their new husbands. Read the post "I know this is long...please help" and so many of the others. Perhaps when these new wives have a new baby, something hormonal happens as they "get their nests in order" and they do not want "that one" in their nest...I don't know. But so many on this forum seem to feel this way.

elizabeth1977, I do think it is great that you are researching this topic, however, I wish you would research all types of blended families. I am a childless stepmother of 2 adult children. This is my second marriage (1 1/2 years). My first marriage was for 18 yrs with a man who did not want children. I love children and my profession is working with children. When I married my second husband I was excited to finally have children (step) and wanted a close relationship with them, but they did not want one with me. It would have been nice if they would of excepted my invitations (I was buying) to get our nails done, go for lunch, shopping, etc. But not once would they. I have made meals, cleaned for them, took they cars for oil change, etc. without a thank you. I tried and tried to be good, respectful, helpful, friendly, etc. to them, however they refused to except me and made our life stressful. I have posted on this site in frustration regarding my stepchildren, along with many others.
Bnicebkind, I have a question for you: Do you have stepchildren? If so could you tell me about your situation? It appears to me you do not understand how stepchildren can react in blended family situations. Even if the adults involved are trying their best to be good, make them comfortable, provide for them, and be fair parents. I am just wondering if you have experienced any of this through a stepparent's eyes and body? Stepchildren can be cruel, hurtful, self-centered, and uncaring to their stepparents. I am sure there are stepparents that can be the cruel, but, knowing what I know now, I truely believe most stepparents because of the love they have for their new spouse want his or her children (the stepchildren) to except them. They would do almost anything to win over their stepchildren, however, it does take two to make any relationship work. Thanks for listening. louise

To be fair, louisedawn, you said: "I am a childless stepmother of 2 adult children."

I think that your keyword here is "adult." You're right when you say that it takes 2 to make a relationship, and I fear that your stepchildren are probably too involved in their own "thing" at this point in their lives to really give it a shot or even to devote much time to even their own parents. You've only been married 1 1/2 years, which isn't very long, and you came to them as adults. I'm quite sure that they don't see you as a parent. You didn't have a part in their upbringing. I would say that you could probably aspire to friendship, but not to parenting.

I came to my stepchildren when they were 3 and 6, and I was the one of the 4 of us parents and stepparents who stayed home, so I have done a lot of "raising" of my stepchildren. (I am also childless.) It's 10 years later, and they DO think of me as a parent. Sometimes they call me "mom" sometimes they don't. Doesn't matter. Who cares? I'm here for them. Always, and they know that.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. Sounds to me like you came to the family thinking that you were going to get children, and you ended up getting adults that didn't need another mom. It's too bad that they can't accept the offer of friendship, but you can only do so much--especially if they're young adults who are really trying to make that break away from mom and dad. You know how it is, young adults often try to get as far away from their parents as they can. Once they develop a little maturity there's a good chance that they'll come back around. It's a natural progression.

Again, I hope that someday y'all can at least learn to be friends.

vivian31, I do agree that "adult" is a keyword here. In addition, I am sure you have had your share of ups and downs with stepchildren just like any children can bring ups and downs. I do want you to know I have been with my DH for 6 years and met my SKs when they were 14 yo and 18 yo. When DH and I purchased our house they both came and lived with us. Bio-mom did not want them living with her. I never expected them or wanted them to call me "mom" and told them I wanted them as friends. As I said prior I treated them well and gave as if they would be my own children. All I wanted was to be there friend and enjoy life with them and there father. But, no matter what I have tried/did they never truely acknowledge me (respect me) and even go so far as to ignore me. I hope and pray everyday that maturity will change things. I truely want DH to be happy and have his children happy. Oh, yes and myself happy. I truely believe until you have lived in someone elses shoes it is hard to understand the full story. Every situation is unique in its own way. It is great to have a place to vent. Thanks, louise

Louisedawn...I am not a mother to step children, but I have my own kids. however, a few of my closest friends (who genuinely like children) have step kids, and they have each gone on to have more children with their new husband. And they really resent the ex-wife and the children from that marriage. I thought that if anyone could pull this off...these women could...but they have not been able to. They want the man, they just do not want the children that come with the man. They want their own little family. their new husband, and their new babies...and they resent his other children, and they especially resent his first wive, and any money that goes to any of them from their household, to support them.

dear bnicebkind, Thanks for responding. Have you ever given your friends this website? It may be helpful for them to read the various responses and comments on this site. Have you discussed in detail what some of the comcerns these stepmothers have regarding their step children and concerns regarding the ex wife? I have a feeling there are alot more details and inside happenings that you are not aware of. Alot of things happen within the privacy of a blended family situation that is hurtful and inconsiderate. There are probably many things they cannot share with you. Many little day to day events happen that build over the years and many step mothers do not talk about them to just anyone. Keep an open mind with your friends and have them join this website to talk about their frustrations with others in the same boat and look for solutions to their problems. It is a hard life as a stepparent and it is nice to share concerns with others in the same situation. Louise

To some extent, the situations are different. In one, the step daughter lived in another state, and they only saw her during the summer. When her mother finally remarried, she married really well, but my friend and her husband were struggling financially, in low paying jobs. My friend went on to have two children, and they became a real family. They resented sending child support for his daughter who they rarely saw, and had little imput in her life. And it really ripped my friend that they had to send support to his ex-wife who now had a well-to-do husband, the house, car, jewelry...that my friend would never have. My friend resents everything about this woman.

Another friend ...she does not want the influence of a teenager around her children, and she resents that her husband just bought his son a brand new (expensive) car, without asking her, because he felt guilty about the divorce.

Another...they have custody of his children...and only one of the three was really respectful of her. She had a terrible time with the oldest daughter for a long time...even though the kids real mom abandoned them. The father was raising them alone when she met him. She too has gone on and had "their" kids. For a long time, she only sent me christmas cards with "her kids" in the picture...even though the other kids lived with them 100% of the time. They have moved out of state, and I will have to call her and catch up.

And one other friend had one little girl with her new husband. She totally resented his ex-wife, and his two kids who were about 12-14 when she married her husband. It got to the point where she hated all of them, including her husband, for a long time...but she stayed in the marriage...perhaps for financial reasons as he was a good provider. They are still married, and their little girl is almost 16 now. It still is not wonderful with "his" kids who are now adults. She has always resented money being sent to his ex for support.

They all knew going in ...but I suppose it is another thing living it. And I know many ex-wives out there continually "stir-the-pot" in many ways. But so do many new wives...creating strife...for some reason.

I think that this is an interesting topic. My little half-sister is a "mutual child." She was born to my father, who has me (he claims me) and a son (that he doesn't claim) AND her mother who has a son from her first marriage. There is all of this research on the oldest child, the youngest child, the middle child syndrome, but no one thinks of these children that belong to both parents in a step family.

Hi benicebekind
I haven't been on in a while. This site has changed.
I just wanted to say hi and ask how you are.

AR_Dramaqueen

Hi don na na! I was glad to see you respond. I pulled up this forum after being away for a long time myself. A post entitled: " I know this is long, but I need help" was so upsetting, that I started reading this forum again, and posting. It came up about the same time as my conversation with the boy who is grieving because he has lost everything he loves. As I read the posts on this forum, I am so sad by the way these women feel about their step-children.

It was so sad reading what you wrote about the boy. I couldn't imagine going through that. I was glad to see you still on this site though. You are the only person that has ever really written to me on here.
Things are going good. My classes are all good. I just turned 20 in February. Everything is fairly normal.
Well talk to you later.
AR_Dramaqueen

Hi
I am new to this.

Thank you for bringing up this subject because I am the mother of a 1 year old daughter and my fiance has a 10 year old daughter from his first relationship. I worry about how my daughter will take it (when she gets alittle older) that her sister gets to go places and gets things when she doesn't. I will never let my daughter go with her sister and her mother because i don't trust her as far as I can see her. My step daughter's mother tries to one up our family. She is all about fun and getting her things that we won't and then my step daughter brags about getting it or getting to go places but when it comes down to school supplies things that she needs her mother doesn't want to spend the money on it. So how do I tell my daughter when she asks why her sister gets to go places and gets things when we say no. That we can't go because we have to work or we don't have the money. Or that she doesn't need to get things, then her sister gets to go or brings it home. Do we get her things and take her places since her sister gets it? It could even be as simple as getting ice cream when we say once a week we go get an ice cream cone and then my stepsister comes home almost everynight when she is with her mother with an ice cream sundae. To a little kid that is a big deal. Can any one help with how to deal with that because I don't want my daughter to feel bad about the situation and come to resent her sister. How do I deal with my step daughter bragging about it. She knows that we said no and still she gets it.

Thanks to anyone who can help

Sarah

Sarah,
I hope this doesn't come off harsh, as you do seem to want advice as to how to handle this. I thought I would share the other perspective, as I am the mom of a 10 y.o. son who's father has remarried and started a new family.

Think about the situation from the other side. How do you think your step-daughter's mother explains to her daughter why your daughter gets to live with her mom *and* her dad, and gets so much more of her dad's attention? That's why your stepdaughter brags about the silly material things she gets - - because, right or wrong, she feels slighted in other ways. Take it from a mom of a stepson - - it is hurtful and painful to see that your father will have a closer relationship with the "new" child. Any bragging that may happen because of ice cream or a new outfit is an attempt to compensate for these feelings of loss.

It is impossible to explain this to your 1-year-old, and really you don't need to explain anything at this point. When your daughter gets older, you could let the little things go while step-daughter is around. There is no way you are going to agree with every choice that step-daughter's mom makes in raising her child, and setting the situation up as "our values versus hers" is a recipe for disaster. I would stick to your guns on value choices that are more important (and your decision not to let your daughter go around with step-daughter and her mother falls into this category), but if step-daughter wants to eat ice cream every night she's with you, give them each a small scoop - - what's the harm? If step-daughter comes home with ice cream sundaes to eat in your home, give your daughter a scoop. No biggie.

And there's no avoiding the fact that step-daughter will get to do things first and go places your daughter doesn't go - - she's so much older. She will drive first, get a car first, graduate first, etc. And your daughter won't suffer for this at all. She'll learn she isn't the center of the universe, and that's ok. Step-daughter will already be painfully aware that the universe does not revolve around her.