Hmm, my first thoughts after reading your story is for you to get some literature on adult children of alcoholics and read thoroughly. Even if neither of your parents abused alcohol the traits are certainly there, with your chaotic upbringing. I think you would find it very insightful and helpful to decide how to go forward in life either including or not these absent grandparents in your childrens life.

I wouldn't make any rash decisions now while feelings are raw. Did I hit anything there?

~Cat

I think you have rights to feel angry and resentful towards your parents who weren't very good parents to you and your sister, and are not good grandparents.

I think your animosity is misplaced here, it is not your half-siblings fault you children are ignored. I am sorry for such crazy situation.

I think what you could do: be much better parent to your children than your parents were, be a good brother to your sister and maintain close relationship with her, seek counselling or Alanon meetings. All you can do is change your own life and your own attitude, heal yourself. You cannot change your parents, unfortunatelly they are who they are.

I am sorry, it must be tough, but concentrate on yourself and your family.

Be careful what you wish for.

Your life & your children are normal, healthy, happy, etc...
& you want them to be exposed to the people who produced all this chaos & misery?

That sounds a bit like part of my husband's family. Hubby's father disappeared when Hubby was 12, and left a long and messy trail behind him. Kids #1-4 (including my husband) were with wife #1, my dear MIL. Those four now-adult kids and Mom are very close. Wife #2 left him pretty quickly, but thanks to a good lawyer (her father, the mayor), took pretty much everything he had. Wife #3 stayed around long enough to have three more children, half-sibs #1 - 3. During that same time, a girlfriend gave birth to half-sibling #4, leading eventually to the end of marriage #3. Wives #4 and #5 were past child-bearing age, or there probably would have been more... So in a nutshell - five wives, eight children, three different mothers.

He'd always told MIL and Hubby's siblings that he couldn't help them with college because of his alimony and child support obligations to his other wives and children -- which caused resentment. But as we found out later (at his funeral, when we first met three of the four half's), he'd always told them he couldn't help them financially because of his support obligations to wife #1 and kids #1-4! Bottom line -- he didn't support *anyone*.

'Dear Old Grandpa' met our son once, when he was just a few weeks old. To my way of thinking, that was about right. 'Grandpa' was a selfish, bull-headed, arrogant and self-righteous man who'd alienated five different wives and left fatherless kids all over the state.

Enough de-railing.
But I thought it was important to show you where I'm coming from with my advice, because I know it will sound harsh.

In short, BOTH of your parents sound pretty dysfunctional, and a years-long pattern of poor choices does not just magically stop when they became grandparents. Sure, your children have been deprived of loving and devoted grandparents who would offer unconditional love and wise counsel. But that happened MANY years ago (40+) -- not recently. If your parents had truly wised up, they wouldn't be so lop-sided with their time and attention. They'd have contacted you and your sister years ago with sincere apologies, and made much more of an effort to be involved in your lives.

But instead, they've allowed themselves to continue to take the easy way out, avoiding those 'messy' situations facing the children they disappointed and walked out on, instead focusing their attention on the kids that are as screwed up as they are... They can count on the 'pot' not to call the kettle black.

Bottom line -- even if you could get those two to pay attention to your lovely children, those kids STILL wouldn't have good grandparents! The sad fact is that your parents are STILL very messed up people.

My advice? Tell your kids that your parents are messed up people, and that they don't know what they are missing by having so little contact with such wonderful kids. Tell them that in your honest opinion, having them spend more time with either your mother or father is NOT really a good idea.

Then if you can, 'adopt' an older couple who would love to have young folks in their lives. Find someone who is sane and stable and loving to do the honors --

Sweeby said it better.

I would like to thank everyone for their advice thus far.

@catlettuce: Yes, both of my parents abused alcohol, my dad still does sometimes. My wife an I rarely drink at all. We are definitely trying to be much better parents than ours were. My mom is pretty much completely out of the picture anyway as she lives several states away, My dad lives several miles away. If it wasn't for my wife and step-mom getting along okay my dad wouldn't be in the picture at all either.

@finedreams: Yes, my animosity is misplaced, you're right, I should not blame my half-siblings. I always tell my wife that my main concern in life is my family and focusing on them.

@sylvia: You're right, I don't want them exposed to such chaos.

@sweeby: Yes, my dad is constantly enabling the daughter whose life is so screwed up, why, because he was/is the same way. And you're right no matter what they are always going to have screwed up grandparents.

What sucks is I always have these feelings of guilt about not talking to my mom, although I shouldn't. She makes no attempt to contact me.

Yes, my daughters know the older neighbors across the street better than their grandparents, I hope they never move away.

Thanks again.

I agree with Sylvia. It sounds like your parents are extremely disfunctional. Maybe being away from them and your children barely knowing them is a good thing??

I sympathize with you! I know your situation is tough. My own mother is a drug addict and I have little to do with her. I don't want to subject my kids to her world. Do I miss having a mother...YES! And I wish she was a good grandmother to my children. But there is nothing I can do to change her, believe me I have tried!

Does your wife have parents who are nearby? Because I would say just enjoy them. Thats what I do. I enjoy my father because he is a good man. And I enjoy my husbands one living parent. My kids have granparents and are happy. Nobody has to have all 4 grandparents to be happy.

"What sucks is I always have these feelings of guilt about not talking to my mom, although I shouldn't. She makes no attempt to contact me."

Yeah, that's the sad part. And when Hubby's father passed away, all of those feelings were tough to deal with. There was some guilt, yeah, but mainly anger -- anger and resentment toward the deceased for the lousy choices he had made throughout his entire life. Made for a tense and unhappy funeral. But we certainly found common ground with Hubby's half-sibs...

Mason - I have no trouble believing that you and your wife are great parents. Sometimes having bad examples shows you enough of what not to do that the end result is a really wonderful parent. (Hubby turned out to be the best dad I've ever seen.)

You'll find the right path with your kids --

mom2emall: That's the other crappy part, both of my wifes parents are deceased, the closest thing they have to grandparents on her side is an aunt and uncle who live 3 hours away, and they just got their first biological grandchild about a month ago. Which is great for them but we've had that situation arise before and then our children play second fiddle to the new grandchild. I know this sounds like "woe is me" but it's just a sucky situation all around. It just seems like we have the perfect storm of crappy situations for our children. We just try to be the best parents as we can be, even to the point of probably overcompensating for our parents. Like sweeby said, we definitely know what "not" to do so that we can be good parents.

Some of the best longterm relationships my brothers & I had with positive adult role models were my parents' friends from church, veterans' organizations, & work.

Throw the kids & your friends together & see what happens.

When I read this I thought instantly of my mother - she was always very sad that my brother and I were deprived of grandparents. She would tell us often how wonderful it would have been and how sad she was that we didn't get to experience that particular love and joy. My brother and I would look at each other and say "who cares - old people smell!!!" While not exactly diplomatically correct (LOL!), we truly meant it - we weren't sad, nor did we feel deprived, because we had no clue what we were missing. Now as adults, seeing my own mother as a grandmother, I understand what she was saying - but as a child, it never entered our minds. My advice? Look towards the future and be the example of what grandparents should be - just like my mom is!!!