You have to draw bounderies with these sort of people or they will walk all over you.Their BM needs to show you some appreciation instead of making you work double-time raising HER kids.I wouldn't let her do anything that would undermine my role in my stepchildren's lives.You are doing her job for gods sake!!!

I mean If she's such a great mom why the hell doesn't she have them????
They are her bio-children,but she gave up the right to be their mom the day she allowed another woman to do the raising in my book.She has a right to see them,but if its going to do more harm than good-and she is just using them to be vindictive towards you then i would do whatever i had to do to limit her contact.

My hubby has always said he was a better mom then she ever thought of being... I really wouldn't want to not let them see her they love her to death but she has no discipline ... no parenting really... now she is talking about having them for the school year next year... This is stressing me out to no end... she can't do their homework with them now even though she has them for nearly three hours after school each day before me and my hubby get off work... we are really thinking that it has more to do with her wanting to try to get cs than wanting the kids ... I mean what is going to send them to school in dirty clothes and unfed... the way she sends them to birthday parties on weekends... I would be embarrassed to send my daughter to a party hungry and with dirty clothes on but she seems to have no issues with it... It's a catch we can't take her away from them but she is just so irrisponsible ... I have never met a grown woman that acted so much like a pre teen little brat... If it were not for me the boys would not be in football and the kids would not be doing so much better in school.... she is just so ridiculous that it is almost laughable... at the kidergarten grad... she tied my sd dress that had come lose repeatedly apparently... so
I bent down and double knotted it so it wouldnt come undone during the grad... she undid the knotted... I mean seriously ..... and omg when those kids (who are very well behaved kids for the most part) come back from being with her... they talk and act any way they please... so so very dissrespectful...this is because she lets them do whatever and say whatever to her ... I have said something to the kids infront of her about dissrepecting their mother to which I get a dirty look and this really irritating head bob that she does... I just want to smack her and say wake up!!! everytime they come home I have to remind that I am not their mom and this is not their moms house and they better treat me with respect or they are going to be in a heap of trouble.... to add insult to injury though sometimes when I get onto the kids next thing I know they want to call their mom or spend the night with her.... I hate that feeling I do all the mom stuff but I dont get that built in shes my mommy I love her thing... even though they do tell me they love me ...I just get to be bad guy that says do your homework or no playing and she gets to be fun mom who goes to the park after school instead of doing homework.

I just want to say your SC are blessed to have you in their life.

Welcome to my world!!!

My SC's BM thinks she should be awarded "mother of the Year" for all she does for "her children".

Conversation with BM : Well I took the day off to go to field day!!! (wow goodie for you.). Are you taking them with you afterwards? No its my day off I have stuff to do!!!

Its all a show for school thats what I figure. Where there are "real" moms and dads who care about their kids. When in reality we as the full time caregiver of someone else's kid get the "dirty looks" and all that goes along with it. We know that they want nothing to do with their own children. But they criticize every thing you say or do to/with them. When refering to my SC's BM I call her "MOTY" (marty)

I have been through the whole not feeding them ... once was because she didn't have any clean dishes (how sad). After we had sent them with "care packages" of food 3 times in 2 weeks. The next care package had dishsoap in it.

Nothing will get through to my SC's BM we have tried the only thing that hurts her is money ... she complains about paying support.... Hubby told if you keep complaining about it to the kids ... you will have 2 choices 1. you will pay double what you are now or 2. we will split custody jointly one week at your house next week at mine this way its fair.
She doesn't want to part with her money or spend time with her kids. So she has been pretty good about not talking to the kids about CS.

I don't want to heralded as a saint. But a thank you once in a while would be nice for all I do for "her children".

Why doesn't the BM have custody? Didn't want them, wasn't fit, they interfered w/ her life or your DH won legally?

Anyway, it goes back to my favorite saying, "There's more to being a mother than giving birth!"

That buying business is not uncommon. I see it w/ my DH. I'm a stepmom to his 3 now-grown children, one of whom lives w/ us at 24. Her mother lives alone (but wouldn't get CS on an adult and would make SD pay her own way....a long story), we have three young boys (3, almost 5, 7) so it's a little tough. But, what I've seen w/ my DH is that he would buy the kids stuff to "bond" w/ them, figuring as the non-custodial parent back when they were younger that he needed to bond w/ them somehow. Anyway, it's done no good - the kids have a huge sense of entitlement, etc.

But, in this case, I think she is trying to buy their affection, even for a day, as you know. She doesn't sound like she has a maternal bone in her body - it's quite pathetic.

I would have to be paralyzed before I'd allow someone else to raise my 3 sons. I'm sure people at school will be wise to her "show" if they aren't already. Sit tight, vent to us, try to keep taking the high road. I think she'll sink her own ship in no time.

And, I do know that as "parents", we don't often make what is viewed as the most popular decisions. You're doing right by these kids and your love of them comes through loud and clear. DH is lucky to have you, as are the children. It's easy to not have to worry about the day to day ongoings and just have one big party atmosphere, right? I work P/T and on the days I work, I can barely get in the door before the kids swarm me. It's great, but then I put on dinner and start, "Let me see your folder....." and the preparations for the next day begin. I feel like a killjoy, but part of this role is leading them in the right direction, right? I'd love to be able to just play and have fun, but our oldest is in 1st grade and it's a very hard curriculum. I joke that if something happened to me, DH would be LOST trying to keep him getting the grades he gets now.

To let your child skip meals is just a shame. What a weirdo! There's no way this woman is fit to attempt to get custody - the kids would flunk out and starve!

Good luck, keep posting,
Dana

With my SCs BM .... She wanted out of the marriage but had no place to go couldn't take the kids with her to the BF's house he doesn't like kids.

She never fought for custody was quite content that they stayed with Hubby. Although she told the kids ... daddy must have bribed the judge. The judge said you can't live with me. She had her own business was earning over $100,000 a yr. Told the kids "the judge made me close my business" SD8 "why did the judge fire mommy? what are you talking about? mommy said the judge told her to get a new job. Cawfe when the judge fires you what kind of job are you gonna get? A judge cannot fire me unless I work for him."

well, what it comes down to is about two years ago ... he came home after stopping by her house (or her parents house... she lives with them) to see the kids.... and told me he wanted the kids to come live with us ... was I okay with that, did I think I could handle that. He didnt like going to the house and seeing the kids all sleeping in one room on a blow up mattress in a dirty house ... with her in bed because of one her "migraines" that seem to pop up whenever is conveniant. I told him ofcourse they could and ofcourse I can handle it (oh yeah .... four kids all of a sudden.... no prob :-) ) ... he talked to her and she jumped at the opportunity... she said well I am going to miss them so I want them every weekend ... to which he said sure... ofcourse every weekend never happened and visits and phone calls were few and far between ....infact visits didnt even happen every other weekend... she the woman who didnt work all week long would all of a sudden have to work all weekend and couldnt come get the kids...if you ask me if she wanted to see her kids she would have worked during the week and had the weekend off (which she CAN do at her job)... so technically she is the custodial parent on paper, but not in reality... whenever, we bring up the subject of getting her to sign something to correct that she gets all up in arms and worried thinking we are out to get her or something.... he is scared to lose the kids ... so he doesnt like to push the issue

I wish my DH's ex would roll so easy! We have one and she has one...long story.
I'll tell you from experience that at some point, the kids and everyone else realizes what you've done, and does appreciate it. My DH is very appreciative of what I do for his kids, and my SS (14) totally gets it. The other SS (13) lives with BM, so that's really not an issue for us. The BM is a nutcase, and most who come in contact with her realize that. We have the problem with BM wanting to be involved in everything, which translates to wanting to "control" everything. We get the dirty looks for succeeding where she failed. She also loves to play the part of "supermom" at events and school meetings. She's a total A$$. In the end, my SS loves me, and treats me with respect. We have a great relationship that is built on respect and trust. He's never had that with his mother.

I am not so certain that it is rolling along... or sheer laziness and a self centered attitude that would rather let her kids live elsewhere than have to think about more than herself

Mom of 4 - I think the love and warmth you have towards your steps comes across loud and clear. I admire that so much. I so wish I didn't have the terrible start w/ my steps as I went into the marriage SO naive ("love will conquer all...." dreamy thinking) and opened the door to the house and my heart quite readily, only to have heartache follow me nearly every step of the way...

I cannot believe she couldn't even make that weekend arrangement she first pushed for. What a piece of work! I have a theory - the less the parent has to do, the less they want to do and the less they are capable doing. In other words, she thought she'd miss them too much to let them go...took that step...started liking her freedom...now loves her freedom...but she still has issues w/ what "other" people think, so there she is if there's any glory to be gotten or, more accurately, to prevent you from receiving any accolades which is why she didn't bother to show the next day when she knew you wouldn't be there at the school function for your SSs. Since you wouldn't be able to make it, she didn't need to be there to try to play the good little mother role. I mean, if she doesn't work during the week, why the heck wouldn't she MAKE it and what message does that send to the SSs? Sheesh!

Anyway, I am quite certain most people see who takes the kids to school and takes care of them. This BMs showy appearances will be seen right through.

BTW, we went through something similar to the kids' living arrangements that your DH did. My DH's ex moved the three kids and her into someone's ONE ROOM poolhouse. It was ridiculous, but free! If you knew what we paid in CS back then, you'd have been as horrified as I was. Plus, the kids were teens and not all the same gender...

Hang in there.
Dana

Yeah, I have one of those BMs too. She is a teacher at a college so gets all the school holidays plus works only 4 days a week yet still can't do much for my SS (who she has 50% custody of). Don't know what her excuse is - older SD is 19 and living on campus. 12 1/2 year old SS is making his own lunch in the morning, mowing the lawn, folding the washing at her place and god knows what else. Did I mention she has a husband also? (yes, the guy she had an affair with while married to DH). I work full-time as does my partner but we still manage to raise SS, make his lunch, wash his clothes, etc.

She is a lazy cow but will put herself out for appearances' sake, so everyone knows what a "great" mum she is. Pity she can't wash and repair SS's clothes, nor even keep track of them in her house! We have to nag and nag and it's frustrating that SS thinks we're boring because we're the ones on his back about finding all his lost school uniform, hassling him about his homework, chasing up things at the last minute all the time - when the only reason BM is fun is because she doesn't do any bloody work!

I was staggered 2 years ago when she told us we could have the kids on Christmas Day (we knew she was going down the coast to see her family so figured she was being too lazy to drive them back on Boxing Day). This after maybe 4-5 years of not having them on Christmas Day due to her husband's work commitments and then her insisting she be able to have them that year. Her husband was again called into work at the last minute. What kind of mother thinks "I don't want my kids to be with me on Christmas Day because I'm alone with them and besides I'll have to drive them back the day after so can't have a big boozy night!!

The most irritating thing was my partner had to get up early on Christmas Day to pick the kids up before lunch (1.5 hour round trip), then we discovered she was going to be driving past our place anyway!! (when SD left her mobile at mum's and mum offered to drop it in on the way through). All I can say is - why do these women decide to have kids when raising them is clearly such a burden??

Kudos to all the other step-mums on this forum, and thanks for sharing stories - at least I know I'm not the only one. :)

I have to say thank you all for your postings. I am a stepmom of 3 (16,18 and 21 years old) and mother of 2 (13 and 16 year olds). I have been a Stepmom for only 2 years. My eldest sd lives on her own now but the other two stepchildren live with my partner and I. It has been an "interesting" two years trying to blend the two families especially as the kids are all into their teens. This state of affairs has not been helped much by the BM who seems to be very much the same as the ones described above. There truly is a woman with very little brain!!
I just wanted to say thank you. After reading your posts I realise that I am not the only one with these problems. It helps to know there are others out there going through the same experiences.

Dear mom of 4,

Your hubby is right. The kids will notice when they are older. I know it is tough right now and it's hard to keep your mouth shut when she gets away with everything. I have had to try and keep my mouth shut for 7 years now. My SS's are 12 and 13. Lately the 12 year old has talked about moving in with us. We don't run a boot camp like his mother. I think that he is finally seeing that they can be themselves at our house and they can actually be kids. She has so many rules for them that they are scared to do anything without asking her, even at our house.

My opinion is that your hubby should talk to her about how she reacts towards you. After all, he is the one who married her in the beginning. He should be the one dealing with her and her antics. He should sit down with the children and tell them that they are to either call you by your name or mom, or even mom_______. If you try to tell her all she is going to do is get defensive and it's just going to make it worse. Believe me, I've been there.

My hubby's ex insists that the boys call me by my name. She told them that I am NEVER going to be their mother and they are to NEVER call me mom. But, they call her new husband dad and she makes them call their own father by his name at her house. (She says it's less confusing that way.) Of course us step-moms never get phone calls or anything on mother's day when you are dealing with an ex like his. Anyway, good luck and keep us posted!

Oh my god!!!!! I cant belive there's people with the same exact problem that I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH!!!!!!I'm 29 I re married a year ago I have two kids on my own. Ohh my HOT hubby.... he is 12 year older than me(she hates this fact) and he has custody of his two kids. We are abig happy family!!!!Ohhh I forgot the two dogs....

I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO HELP BUT , HERE IS

This is what I did.....#1 You got custody or half?? is she suppoused to pay child support?? if yes....ENFORCE IT!!! she will learn not to mess with you,your hubby or the kids

#2 always talk to the kids in a way they understand,remember is not there fault to have such a messed up "BM". ENFORCE YOUR HOUSE RULES DO NOT LET HER TAKE OVER YOUR HOUSE!!! She can try thru the kids... but remember, not there fault!!!

#3 if no good comunication between the "BM" and the other half take it to court. Have her talk to the "hand" upppssss! LOL, your lawyer :)

#4 I can asure you that the kids will notice the difference between been w/you and been with the "BM" STEPMOMS RULES!!!! but dont try to make it a competition kids can sence that and take advantage af it, or ever confuse them a little

#5 I'm not good at this but TRY not to blame your hubby for her behavior....Even though the reason why "BM" is behaving the way she does is because he let it happen from the begining.... But "BM" needs to realize that YOU are there to stay and YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HER UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!!!! Use the tools that the judicial system gives you and your hubby, and always be very very classy!!!!Do not let her see you or sence that you are bent out of shape!!!!

My HB have two jobs and I have two as well. They are both very demending full time jobs and part time but we always find time to be with the kids . LOVE THEM!!!! and take control of the problem DO NOT let the problem control you!!!!

BUENA SUERTE CHICAS!!! GOOD LUCK GIRLS!!!! hope I could help!! hope to hear from you guys soon!!!

I'm sorry about the grammar I was really tired.....
mom of 4 you can contact me at prpd27330@yahoo.com If you need anybody to talk to...

Anyways I'm looking for stepmoms with the same problem in Florida if any contact me at the above mentioned email address

I tend to get bent out of shape by that kind of thing, too, so I'll tell you what nice people have told me:

She's not fooling anybody.
People can tell.
The 10 year old knows.
The 10 year old will tell the 8 year old.
The 5 year old doesn't know the difference, but will be stressed by the tension in the air if you let this get to you.

We live in a sophisticated world;
people can tell when a drama queen is playing a role.
& if they can't, they aren't likely to be in a position where you have to worry about whether they know it or not.

Don't let her draw you into a meaningless competition:

Engaging with a drama queen is always a bad idea;
they'll always find a way to be the star of your show as well as their own!

Remain apart from her scenes.

(easy for me to say, I know, but I've found that it helps to stop myself, breathe in, breathe out, take a physical step back, actually move one foot back, & then I can *disengage*).

About the expensive extras...
This is something their dad can handle.
He can call their mom *well in advance* of red-letter occasions with a list of the things that are needed & with his plan for who buys what.
Once mom has bought, say, the dress, as agreed, *then* dad or you can buy appropriate shoes.

I wish you the best.

Yes, disengaging... ignoring... letting it go... is very very very hard to do.

As far as assigning things for each person to buy ... that unfortunately does not work... we have tried that

He talked to her about the dress before I took her out to buy one ... and at that time she didnt have any money...

She never has any money (probably because she gives away all of her shifts for work and only works when she absolutely has to) No matter what the occasion or the item needed it is always... oh well I dont have the money for that right now... But when they come back from her house or when she picks them up from school she all of a sudden had money to buy random crap that they dont need.

We end up in the situation of we either stand our ground that she is the one that has to buy these things and the kids end up without or we dont punish the kids because she is useless and buy the things ourselves...

it's kind of the same deal with sending clothes to her house ... we NEVER get back all of the clothes that are sent over to her house... it usually takes at least a week of back and forth "I know the shirts and shorts are at your house I sent them over there and they did not come back with them" Her; "there are no clothes here I've looked" A few weeks later the the kids wear the clothes she didnt have home but alas we are missing more now. OR the thing that really bugs the crap out of me.... she will let the kids wear their good clothes or school clothes outside to play in which case they get stained and/or ripped. There goes that outfit yet again..

We have asked her to buy clothes to keep at her house so we didnt have to bother but ofcourse ... no money ... or that sounds like a good idea and it never happens. It's come down to us buying more cheap clothes to just stay at her house so we dont send over and lose all of the good clothes that we have at ours.

I make a point never to say anything even remotely negative about their bm and to not make it a competition... hmph I am the person who has stepped in when the hubby has lost his temper over her antics and started to say something neg. about her to the kids...

I dont have a problem with them calling me by my name I have a problem with the Ms. part of it... I am not a stranger and its just a way for her to put some sort of boundary between us.

I just get so frustrated with this constant nonesense... do you know that when she is dropping the kids off with me ... she wont call me to tell me she is on the way... she will call my hubby (usually at work) to tell him to call me to tell me she is on the way.... it's just all so ridiculous..

To make matters worse ... I am now getting dirty looks from her boyfriend as well... woo hoo... if those two had any idea ... I am the person that told hubby he should take the kids to get her a mothers day card... I am the person who had told hubby about how to take certain things when the kids complained that the boyfriend was "being mean" ( which really came down to them adjusting to a new adult figure in their life) it's almost comical that the one person they seem to have a problem with ... is the one person who is trying to make everyone's life easier.

same exact situation here............ Hubby needs to step up and refuse to take her UNACCEPTABLE behavior. For example he needs to talk to the kids about them calling you MS>.You can also help with not answering when they call you MS. .... And when BM calls him to tell him to call you hubby needs to say "you call her otherwise she wont be there ". Hubby is the one that has to say ENOUGH!!!!!with the ignorance We are NOT taking this kind of behavior.....

He has stepped up to an extent... he told he kids and her that my name is not Ms-- but it's difficult for the kids when she wants to be an A** about it and tell them differently.

I have told him how irritating it is with the whole phone call thing and more importantly how childish it is... the last time she dropped them off she didnt even turn the car off or get out to tell the kids goodbye... Sometimes though, I wonder is it even worth it to get into it with her... we have gone round and round about bigger issues... to no avale ... I tend to try to let the smaller things go ... hmph I tend to try to let the bigger things go... but it's like pilling little pebbles onto a bench eventually those little pebbles will get heavy enough to break the bench.

I do need to talk to him again.. and I have considered having another sit down with her... (we had one when hubby and I first got together trying to be on good terms and all) just to put things out in the open.

i had a talk with BM when I started with my husband ,I though it was going to help but you can't reason with a person like that....

She is sooooo ignorant!!!!!It was like talking to one of the kids.

I dont think that another sit down with her will help at all... Hubby needs to step up and deal with her, and tell her Ok, this are the rules, just like he talks to the kids. You do not have to deal with this situation, HE DOES!

I think it will be better for you to talk to hubby about the situation. You should also present your ideas on how he should deal with her... It's not fair for you or the kids to deal with the situation and maybe, just like my husband, he doesn't realize it that way