Misti, Are you saying you are prooud of fleurs? A woman whose DH has the kids has EOW and only 1 week in summer becuase she wined about it. And now she wonders why she is second in the will (which seems to be her major concern, other than the summer vacation). And says she did everything a mom would do. Unbeleivable.

Squarely with Fleurs and Misti..Only problem Fleurs, is you should have not waited ten years to take your one week vacation, you should have done it every year....Your needs do count too...Dad could make up lost week during the year if he wanted too......

Ok, good to hear Dotz, misti and fleurs are on the same page. EOW dad with two weeks in summer should cut down to one. Dad has 50 other weeks to do what he wants with SM. Unbelievable. OK actually not. But understandable why fleurs is complaining about her place in the will. She wont make room for anyone else -- why should anyone make room for her.

kkny,

For goodness sake... really, the children did not suffer in any way for not being with their father for that one week. And i really don't think i was selfish for asking for that one week with husband alone. To this day, i regret not doing it sooner. Believe me, i really do feel i have made up for the time these children were not with their father.

Tdoay, these children who are now adults are all talking of coming up and spending weekends at the lake and although i know what it will mean to have them there and their girlfriends and boyfriends, i am looking forward to their visit and for them to be their with their father and oh yes with me who like every other woman i know, will make sure these people are fed during that weekend (because believe me i doubt they will arrive up there with groceries), that there are chips, pop, and enough milk for the little ones, etc. etc. etc. I told myself i will do it once or twice this summer with them and when i won't feel like doing it, i will stay home and they can enjoy their time up their with their father who i know will not want them up their every single weekend because he too sure loves to relax and rest after a week's work. Funny, he never seems to feel guilty when he does take time to go up there alone!!!

misty and dotz - i too am proud of myself for asking for that week alone with DH. All i was trying to say in my post is to explain to Jenn288 (original post) that if she does not have children herself and if she is involved with a man who does have a child, well if there is one thing i would tell her in regards to her situation and based on my experience is to go into this relationship on tip-toes. I find many woman (whether they have children of their own or not) who get involved with men who have children, get involved way to fast with every aspect of these children lives when actually we should perhaps not for our own mental, physical, spritual well being down the road. I certainly would be a little more distant towards the entire children situation if i knew today what i didn't know then.

I'm not even going to respond to these KKNY posts...seems like someone who's purpose here is soley to get a rise out of people...

Anyway...

fluers...I'm realizing more and more each day that I can not lose myself if I proceed forward with this relationship. This is a VERY trying time for me, as I am doing a lot of soul searching. Thankfully BF is receptive to what I'm thinking BUT I don't think he REALLY understands the emotional magnitude of it.

LOL! I usually don't agree with KKNY, but I agree with her this time, at least with respect to EOW vs. full-time.

Jen288,

I truly understand how you feel. I was 29 yrs old when i met my spouse and i had no children. I actually thanked the Lord for meeting someone who had children because i knew i would not have any.

I know you must like alot if not love your BF"s daughter. How can you not. She is a child and i am sure she is the most beautiful little thing in this world and you do everything for her that you would do for your own child.

There is nothing wrong with doing that except just don't expect anything from her. Nothing. Love her as a friend, as though she was your own child in your own heart; don't try to be her mother, don't say anything wrong about her mother and remember it is her father who has the responsibility of maintaining a relationship with this child.

For 18 years i really had a difficult relationship with DH's oldest daughter. The day i decided to totally disengage from this daughter was the day it started going well between her and I. Believe it or not, for 18 yrs i was concerned about her well being and all and the decisions she would make but she couldn't care less what i thought about her and her father never tried to mend things between us. He felt like he was stuck between her and I.

Well one day, i decided it was enough. She would call, i wouldn't answer. She would come to our house, i would be gone. I didn't call her on her birthday for the first time in 18 yrs, etc. etc. The first thing i knew, she called me to wish me happy mother's day, to wish me happy birthday and she now comes to my home and we have fun together. If i had not disengage from her with LOVE, i know we would not be talking to each other today and i probably would not be in a relationship with her father anymore.

If there is a book that helped me with all this situation regarding stepchildren, it is the book The Dance of Anger. It was suggested on this Forum.

Keep posting Jen288.

Good luck with the BF and the tiny little girl. I am sure she cares for you more than you know or feel. Be her friend.

I totally agree with you Fleurs. I have done so much better after disengaging from my DH's kids. I used to concern myself w/ them & once I lowered my expectations of myself & them, I'm doing much better. Prior to moving I cooked dinner every night, did their dirty laundry, & cleaned up after them. Once we moved, I used to get gift packages together, did a myspace page so we could all have better communication, & did more for them when they were here than their Dad. I had hurt feelings when no Christmas cards or thank yous would come. Now I could care less if they ever send me a card. I have my own life & have filled it up with love in more ways. My best friend's teen girls are totally awesome. They come over & actually care about me too. I also have kids that keep in touch with me from Florida(Brittani's friends). They have all been very kind & good to me with their letters, phone calls, & visits.

misti,

I guess its like everything in life. It takes time to learn what is right and what is wrong for us.

I am so glad that you have been able to disengage with love and success from DH's kids.

What made me want to disengage from DH's adult children in a loving way, is when i realized that when DH passes away, there is very little chances these adult children will want to do anything with me or for me and that is just fine with me.

For years and years, i ignored my nephews and niece because of DH's children and the expense they represented in my life. For a year now, i have been sending money to my oldest nephew. DH finds that strange. I told him for 18 yrs i have been contributing to the well being of his children. For the next 18 years, i will now take care of my family! That shut him up quite quickly. Nice.

Fleurs,

You have been contributing -- what EOW

And my I ask -- who pays the bills in your house currently -- does DH provide for much?

The sad part is, is that I'm going into it disengaging.I do the VERY LEAST for her...that's Dad's job (unless he REALLY needs help, as was the case this week) In no way, shape or form to I want to be her "mother". She already has one of those. BUT, I do demand respect for her as I am the ADULT and she is a CHILD.

As of now I don't even live with BF (although that IS in the future). And I AM concerned for her well being. Example: I have been staying with her in the mornings and getting her ready for school, as BF has to be in work early (He only usually has her EOW, but lately he's been taking her for weeks here and there)...Anyway, he puts her to bed in her pj's and inevitably she wakes up in just her underware. And she'll get up and watch TV like that. She's 6. At that age you should know that it's not appropriate or ladylike. And I told her that. And I got the "Well this is Daddys house and I can do what I want". *sigh* I have no footing in Daddy's Kingdom...It just worries me, that in this day and age...she is a BEAUTIFUL girl, and teaching her modesty will hopefully keep her SAFE.

Jen - I wouldn't be too worried about her watching TV in her undies at age six. I wander around my house in my undies all the time, but always put on clothes to leave the house or if anyone other than BF is coming around. Some kids get too hot when they sleep (A__, BF's 9 yo son, strips down to his undies in his sleep all the time)... Maybe you and BF could encourage her to put on a tanktop before she gets up to watch TV? Get her some cool ones with Dora (or whoever her favourite is) so that she has "underoos" to chill out in before she gets up and gets dressed for the day.

BF is living with me for awhile (his home flooded) and then we'll be moving to his place when it's rebuilt. A__ tried to say "When we get back to Dad's place, you can't tell me not to break things because it will be MY house, not YOURS" when I gave him heck for breaking the phone outlet this morning... I explained that "I'm an adult who takes care of you, so you have to listen to me no matter who's house we're in. And also when the condo is done, Dad and I will both live there, so it will be my house too, as well as yours."

You have a couple options though -
You can tell BF that you WILL NOT look after his daughter if he doesn't require her to respect you. Then the ball is in his court.
You can tell his daughter more or less what I say to A__ when he pulls stunts like that (see above). Make sure you have backing from BF on this one though!
You can suck it up and hope it goes away. (the first two are better options)

Fleurs,
I know an Aunt who is so totally valuable to her neices & nephews. Those kids are so lucky to have that woman in their court. They go to concerts together, she attends their sporting events, & are definetly very close. I hope you find lots of love with your family. She doesn't have children of her own but her life is filled with her DH & all her neices & nephews. She's Catholic & each sister has like 6 kids. So I'm sure the sisters really appreciate her too.

Misti,

Has it occured to you that Fleurs is a taker not a giver. Her DH has the children EOW and two weeks in the summer and she wined to get the two weeks cut down to one.

And the stepmother chorus(except for lonepiper, a true screen name on this thread) cheers her on.

KKNY,
I think if your kids are in their teens, there is room for adjustments to the schedule. It would have been a pain, in my teens, to stick to a schedule. I had things that were important to me also. I wanted to work, wanted to be with my friends, & play some sports. Those things don't work around a parent visiting schedule.
I think a good marriage is important to show kids. I wouldn't have agreed with this before but now understand the importance of spouses learning how to get along w/ their spouse's. It is hard & a good example of that growing up would go along ways.
What's a true screen name anyway? I have given my full name on this site. You just google my name & one of these threads come up. I'm mad at myself for doing that. You're not encouraging that are you?

Misti, flexibility is one thing, Fleurs is a SM who just doesnt want the kids around much, and then complains that she comes second in DHs will.

PS, I work full time, am active in civic and community organizations and I have a child most of the time.

If you dont want kids around much, you shouldnt be dating a man with kids.

I'm so happy I found this forum. I was just in my 8 year old stepdaughter's room packing her bag for our vacation in 2 days and I found a crumpled peice of paper that she wrote "I hate ***" on. *** being my name. I went online to find out how to deal with this.

I just married her father 8 months ago. 10 months ago she came to live with us in a sudden arrangement because her mother went to jail. I had never met her prior to this and she hadn't seen her dad for about 4 years prior either. I know she dislikes me because I have rules like we don't watch tv all day and fast food is only a treat. Her mom was too busy with her illegal activities to give her any structure but of course a little kid is going to think it's great to do nothing but watch tv and eat fast food.

It's hard for me to have her hate me when I am trying so hard to give her a meaningful upbringing with morals and rules. I am no stranger to children, I have degrees in education and child development and I run a child care center. I love taking care of other peoples children but do not have any of my own. As I found out, its a lot harder to keep them 24 hours a day than to send them home at 5:00 :)

Going back to the first paragraph, here we are going on a vacation we scrimped and saved to give her...to a child centered destination that I planned just for her, and she hates me. I know not to say it but I feel like saying to her "listen, you think i wanted to spend all my money on you...you think there isn't 100 other places i'd rather go by myself!"

Anyway, I'm glad there is other people going through the same things. I will come here often for some stress relief.

Thinking back to intact family days, Dad home from work for dinner with DS, DS does homework, or out to play, I dont suppose they interacted more than an hour a day on a weeknight.Weekends, we both went to sports, events, whatever...I think most families I knew did the same thing, not ignoring our kids, or anything....but taking exception to the time dad spends with SC on weekend, or eow, or vacations...I wouldnt be surprised if it added up to the same or more quality time hours than spent in an intact home...If somebody wants imagine they spent every hour after work, say, spending from 6 to 10 PM with the kids, I d say they be exaggerating....And if you were married and took a trip without your kids, is there a difference because you re a SM, taking time away from the kids? This finger pointing holier than thou stuff just galls me.....

Dotz,
My Mom & Dad were married 20 years. Dad went on vacation with us 1 time doing what we wanted. We went to the beach & he wasn't much fun. It rained & we had to stay in our travel trailer. Mom would have let us jumped in the mud puddles. Dad also fished most of his weekends off with my Grandpa. It was normal back then for men to fish & hunt on their weekends off. I know we didn't feel abused. I also remember us kind of liking it when Dad worked swing shift because we got to eat fun food(Pizza, Hamburgers, & Cereal). I love my Dad dearly. Loved him then & love him now. I think expectations might be different in different parts of the U.S. Travis is from OH & his Dad was more involved. Travis is way different than my Dad. Travis is more involved w/ going places but he's not the man my Dad is. He doesn't hunt, fish, ride 4 wheelers, or shoot rifles. He doesn't even know how to work on a house. My Dad knows & does all that. But Travis is a great father too but he prefers going to the Zoo over hunting anyday. Travis's Dad I think would have been considered a better Dad than mine by todays standards, but I have far more love & respect for my Dad than he does his.

dotz, you are right. My parents were married until I was a teenager. My dad worked (he left before I woke up) and when I got home from school, both my parents were at work. (they owned a small business) and we were home alone from 3-6 (my brother & sister were teenagers). Mom & Dad got home around 6 and we had dinner and worked on homework or played in our rooms. Our bedtime was always 9. A couple of nights a week, we'd watch tv together (back when 'little house on the prairie' and 'waltons' was on) and one night a week, my parents left us with a babysitter to go bowling on their league. Occasionally, they'd take us and give us each $5 for pinball or snacks. Once a year, they would go out of town for a week and left us with my aunt & uncle. I NEVER thought 'mom/dad doesn't spend enough time with me'. I never even thought about that, let alone SAY it. and they truly didn't spend much time with us, at least not focused on us. (dad coached my brother's little league and they took us to karate)

Fast forward to today's society and divorced/blended families and it's not unusual for kids to complain their parent isn't spending enough time with them. My SD tell her dad all the time that she didn't get to have fun today or he didn't spend enough time with her. She expects him to focus all his attention on her and make sure she's not bored and that she's having fun. My son did the same when he was young. My younger kids (that never met their father's) didn't. I think it has to do with kids going to two different homes and the parents (purposefully or inadvertently) put pressure on the other parent to 'spend quality' time with their kids. Kids are picking up on their parents' expectations and pick up on the feeling that they are somehow 'missing' something. Perhaps it's from guilt or something, but in intact families, I don't think it happens very much. My sister, who's been married for over 20 years and has three kids, her kids have never uttered the 'spending time' expectation. I think it's something the parents are transferring to their children when the marriage or relationship ends.

It can be done with as simple a question from a CP asking the child, 'what did you do this weekend with NCP?' or 'Did you have fun with NCP?' Those seem like innocent enough questions but to a child, it can make them think they were supposed to do something or have fun, and if they didn't, they might feel slighted. Especially if the parent makes a big deal about it. (and the NCP can also do the same thing by asking them what they did with the CP)

and Mocha,

She's probably going through a lot and having emotions she can't understand or verbalize. She may be angry at her mom for screwing up and causing her life to be turned upside down. Kids don't like to feel that way about their parents so they unleash their anger on other people. Sometimes it's kids at school (with fighting) and usually it's the other parent (or step parent if there is one because they'd rather get angry at you, than their parents)

I'm not childless, but my kids are teenagers. I met my DH that has a 9 year old (she was 5 when we met). She's been through a lot and focuses her anger on me a lot, even though I am the one doing for her when her mom won't. (her mom doesn't even have the excuse she's in jail). If you can sit her down and tell her:

'I'm sorry that your mom can't be here. I know you wish she could be and there isn't anything I can do about that. I want us to get along and be friends in the meantime. I really wanted you to have a fun vacation so I worked extra hard to save and plan a trip, somewhere that I thought you'd have fun. It hurts my feelings when I work so hard to please you and it feels like you don't like me. Is there something I've done to make you not like me? because I'd like to fix it if I can.'

I have to have a similar talk with my step daughter just about every time she comes back from her mom's, and just as we are getting along well, she goes back for another visit. She has loyalty conflicts and feels guilty for betraying her mom by liking me or getting along with me. I know what it feels like to get frustrated and want to say those things when they seem so ungrateful, but they are kids and they don't know how to express all the feelings they have, some don't even understand why they feel the way they do. It takes A LOT of patience and understanding to get through it most of the time. It might also help if you get her some stationary and help her write letters to her mom if she isn't able to get phone calls or visits. It may help her to see that you aren't trying to cut her off from her mom and that she doesn't need to choose sides, she can like you both. (she'll probably still feel conflicted, but she needs to hear that) and above all, NEVER say anything bad about her mom. She will resent you for it. I'd also ease up on the rules a little and be flexible with the ones that don't really matter. (even if it's just for a temporary while) and when you give her your rules, explain to her why you are giving her the rule. Instead of saying, 'we have a bedtime because letting you stay up all night like your mom used to isn't good for you.' say instead, 'we have a bedtime because you need to get enough rest so you can think better and have more energy to play.' Don't compare your way of doing things with what she did before, just point out that there is a reason you do things. Don't try to point out that it's better than her mom or that her mom is worse. She may be but the child will resent it, especially if her mom was the only person that took care of her the last four years when her dad didn't see her.

Good luck.

"He doesn't hunt, fish, ride 4 wheelers, or shoot rifles."

A man is not any less masculine because he doesn't do those things. To tell you the truth, the first thing that popped into my mind when I read that list was "redneck," not "masculine."

My father never did any of those. I don't know if ATV's even existed back then. My exH and I went fishing with the kids a couple of times, but other than that, he never did any of those either.

My parents both worked full-time when I was a kid. My mother cooked breakfast; my father cooked dinner. Until I was in high school and spending a lot of time in my room doing homework, I spent virtually all of my time from 5 until bedtime with one or both of them. My kids spent almost all of their time when they were preteens and younger with my husband, myself, or usually both. Even if everyone was doing something independently, we were normally in the same room.

There is no way EOW plus one week in the summer is more time. As to quality time, ther can be quality time or nonquality time in any household.

But I see the support here for the SM who wants to cut down on stepchild time in their household.

TOS,
Here in Washington State a redneck is something different than in the south. A redneck here is a farmer & they usually have alot of acres, orchards, & money. My DH explained this to me. He said there are no rednecks up here. He said it's people who fly a rebel flag, usually racist, & not very bright. My Dad is an amazing man who can build a home with his own two hands, made his children to feel extremely safe, & not one day have I ever felt unloved from my Dad. Could your kids say the same? When I was on active duty, my Dad wrote me hundreds of letters, flew out to HI on a whim just to spend 24 hours with me. I bet your kids don't feel that loved by their Dad. He wasn't the best Dad but I never knew that. In my eyes, he's totally awesome. Also riding ATVs are a blast. I was raised on a farm & killing what you eat is normal. Hunting is something that passes on through generations. I feel bad because my Dad won't be able to pass this onto my boys. Ask your boys if they wouldn't enjoy riding motorcycles, fishing, or shooting rifles. I'm sure when I was growing up shooting rifles, the crime rate was less in our farming community than places on the East coast.

KKNY,
Why couldn't these children come over more often during the week, spend more weekends together, or make up the time some other way. That is what I'm talking about. For a woman to want to spend a week vacation once a year with her DH going away, what's wrong with that? Especially if it makes their marriage stronger. For the children to see a strong marriage would be beneficial for them. Now if the children could never make up that week during the year, then I would want to spend that time with my kids. I think my DH gets a few weeks vacation a year. He wanted to spend them when his kids came out. I had no problem with that because that's the only time he got to see them. He didn't have his job very long last year when his kids came out. I told him to take all vacation except for one day because I needed him the one day I had Nathan. But wasn't the family we're discussing is closer & could adapt schedules easier. It seems to me you & TOS expect SMs to be perfect. You aren't a perfect mother & neither is TOS.
The thing I like about this forum is that the woman share their experiences, trials, & failures. I don't really see you sharing like that though. Why don't you share your trials & how you overcame them so we can also learn from you. When you only criticize, not offering positive feedback, you don't hold much credibility.

The crime rate in rural areas usually is lower than in urban areas. It has nothing to do with how many people own rifles.

Actually, my son was just telling me the other day that he didn't understand why anyone would want to ride a motorcycle. He has never expressed much interest in shooting (if you don't count video games). Several of my girls have learned to shoot. Most of my kids, of either sex, like to fish, though I usually have to put the worms on the hooks. What does shooting, fishing, or motorcycles have to do with whether you are female or male?

When we lived in a more rural area, it wasn't the farmers who were considered rednecks (although I have yet to meet one with "lots of money" here in the East, where family farms are the norm.) The farmers were more intelligent than the average resident, and they were too busy milking cows to have much time to hunt, fish, or ride around on ATV's.

I just can't imagine having one's father going off every weekend to hunt or fish. That is not the way I was raised, and it is not the kind of man I would have chosen to marry. Obviously their father's desertion has not done anything for my kids' relationship with their father, but at least they all (except the youngest) can remember him reading them bedtime stories, etc.

I can honestly say, neither of my parents read books to me. They tried reading to my brother because he was behind.
I'm going to try & be very open-minded here. Do you not really see the differences in male & female desires/wants/enjoyments? I think males & females are very different. Especially since having boys. Brittani would sit & color, listening to stories, & playing with her babies. My boys...they break the colors, throw most things, love balls, but they really love books. They take upon different roles in our society. DH's do not do chores around the house like Mom's do. Woman are usually more emotional. Guys usually like cars, loud stereos, & in my opinion a bit more shallow. I can tell you my DH has never cleaned my toilet for me but I do clean his every few days.

Gee, and I rarely cleaned the toilets before my husband left. Even though I did more of the cleaning, that was always something he didn't mind doing. My exH did most of the cooking, and from what the kids have said, he still does. He loves to cook and does a wonderful job of it. He also liked to build things, but always wanted me there to keep him company and help.

I agree that there are some biologically determined tendencies that differentiate males and females, the list you just presented just doesn't apply to my family. My girls did spend more time playing with dolls, and my son did love balls when he was a toddler, but they all liked being read to. My daughters are absolutely not more emotional than my son or my exH. My son does as many chores as my daughters do.

"Guys usually like cars, loud stereos, & in my opinion a bit more shallow."

This statement has me tearing my hair out. Aargh... My son and my exH would be cringing if they heard any of that sentence.

KKNY and TOS, The difference between you and everyone else on the forum is that you picked the losers of all hubands....You can call people rednecks(offensive for such wise and educated people like you)and pretend your experience was SO much more LOFTY then say, Mistis. Misti has shown so much more restraint and class in sharing what she feels than you ........Post by post , you are embarrasing your selfs , and the people that raised you, with your small minded world view...... trashy, junky,not too classy....Sounds to me like Misti came from a loving family and has a profession...Love to see your family rection to your vitriole

Men are the ones who love cars. Look at the magazines. I don't see any magazines with muscle men on the front. Are you kidding me? You can't be serious. Men are so so so much more into cars than woman. Come on now.
My little boys play with cars now. How many little girls shirts have cars on them? Yes, in the emotions department men are more shallow. How many times did your X cry or become emotional? I can tell you women cry more than men. How many men sit down to watch Beaches? Look at this site. Is it a bunch of stepfathers & biological fathers on here wanting to communicate their frustrations. Pull your head out.
Go down to your Circuit City or Best Buy & ask the salesman if males or females are wanting the best speakers.
Look up on the internet or do a poll of your friends. Women take on more responsibilities in the home than men do. Show me one piece of evidence that shows husbands take on more responsibility in the home than women.
Next I suppose you're going to tell me that women & men have the same sexual drives. I can tell you from working around people at their sickest....men still think of sex, women do not. I see men constantly checking out women's behinds. I don't see women oogling over men like that.

TOS the previous was meant to you.

You don't think that implying that "real men" have to hunt, fish, and ride motorcycles and ATV's perpetuates stereotypes?

Are you implying that my exH is a "loser" because he cooks? Because he is not obsessed with cars? Or because he read bedtime stories to our children?

And yes, I DO THINK THAT ALL PARENTS SHOULD READ TO THEIR CHILDREN.

Dotz,
I appreciate your kind words. You're a real sweetie. I think your family is lucky to have you. How is your DH? I hope all is going well. Dad's improving. Breaks my heart to see such a strong man get older.
So true. TOS has lived a sheltered life obviously. I have lived in every corner of the U.S., cities, farms, & suburbs. The people in Boston growing up so different than a small town in WA state. I would rather have a childhood riding horses than riding subways anyday. I wonder how many dairies TOS has been too? Many farmers get around on 4 wheelers, checking the livestock, assessing their fences, & changing the sprinklers. Our farmers are rich here. The grapes & apples & cattle bring in lots of mula. And they have awesome subsidies.

How may dairy farms? You really want to know? If I had a dollar for every cow I've milked, I wouldn't have to work for quite awhile. I imagine I've spent a lot more years living on a farm than you have - most of my adult life, in fact. And no, none of our neighbors used ATV's to get around - very few people in the northeast have farms that can't be walked from end to end in a reasonable time. And sprinklers? What for? And don't get me started on how corporate farming is destroying the family farm. I'll buy my milk and apples locally, as well as much of the rest of my food as I can. I have NEVER met a dairy farmer in the northeast who was anywhere near rich - at least not unless they sold all their land to some developer to grow McMansions.

TOS,
Why didn't you answer my questions from the above post? Do you only want to be confrontational & argue? Answer my questions from the above post. Look real quick for the question marks & then reply. Show me how educated you are because I'd really like to be impressed with your knowledge.
I THINK ALL CHILDREN SHOULD BE READ TO ALSO. Where would you ever determine in my writing that I didn't think reading was important? I stated a fact about my parents & that has nothing to do with my parenting. You are mental trying to manipulate peoples words so they become defensive. You are a manipulator & I actually find you to be amusing. The orchards here are 100s of acres, the farms & the feedlots are huge, & you can't grow wheat, alfalfa, & crops without sprinklers DUH!!! Maybe dairy farms here are bigger. Do you think you know all there is to know about dairy farms just because you milked a few cows. The dairy farmers here have machines that do that. They don't have those where you come from? My friend in NE gets subsidies and she has a small farm. My DH's aunt in Rochester sold their land for 34 million last year. They had an elk farm. I think them selling their land to developers was to progress the health park, not grow McMansions.

"I have NEVER met a dairy farmer in the northeast who was anywhere near rich - at least not unless they sold all their land to some developer to grow McMansions."

Perhaps they were not good in business or too small to produce a decent profit. Just about every dairy farm in the community I used to live in were wealthy. I'm not sure if I'd say rich because my definition of rich is someone that could live life doing whatever they want without worrying about money while never having to work. The dairy farms were not enormous (there were a few very large ones) but they all use milking equipment. Statistically, I believe that community leads the nation (they rank 2nd I believe) in dairy production. and I grew up in the central valley of CA where we didn't just buy our produce locally, I worked out in the fields picking & packing it along with many of my family members. Three of my uncles were farmers.

and we have a small vineyard but still use an ATV to ride around checking our sprinklers & fence. (and it's just fun too) The neighbor across the road has cattle and rides his ATV around too. They use sprinklers for the pasture to keep the grass growing for the cows to eat. (If you've ever seen a commercial with 'California Happy Cows', that is what it looks like out my kitchen window. Beautiful green hillside pasture with gorgeous oaks and the cows grazing.

and yes, parents should read to their children, but by the time they are eight or nine, the children should be reading to the parents. It's better for them to practice than to just listen.

and theotherside, I wouldn't imply your exH as a loser because he reads to children or cooks & cleans. I'd say he's a loser for making six children with you and then leaving you for another woman and not seeing or supporting his children the way he should. THAT is what makes him a LOSER.

and if you want to talk about destroying the 'family' farm? Could it be because our nation is becoming overpopulated? Perhaps it's people that have five or six kids. Maybe it's people that demand (by voting) that minimum wage should be increased so that the cost of everything else goes up while the standard of living of the working class goes down. Or it could be the gas prices that are skyrocketing and everyone is looking for the best price, a bargain because it's getting so darn expensive to live. It isn't 'corporate farming' that is destroying the 'family farm'. It's the demand from society to give us a product at a lower price and those that are willing to pay extra for the quality you get from 'small family farms' is diminishing.

You don't need to water the pasture in New England to get grass to grow. All the farmers around us grew field corn and oats, and no one ever watered those crops, either.

Of course dairy farmers have milking machines. That doesn't mean the cows get milked with no human intervention.

Maybe it is because people have taken advantage of government projects in order to irrigate large parcels of land, far larger than the 160 acres that each family was supposed to be limited to.

The family farm is not disappearing because of overpopulation. More of New England is forested now than a couple hundred years ago. One problem is the large percentage of homes on a couple of acres.

Yes, gas prices and consumer demand, combined with a pricing structure that doesn't take into account factors such as the societal cost of environmental degradation contribute to the demise of the family farm.

Dairy farmers in New England are not "too small." The six hundred cow dairies you find in California are too large.

Interesting article:

http://www.nffc.net/issues/dairy/Questioning%20the%20Future%20of%20Dairy%20Policy.pdf

I don't believe that children are ever too old to be read to. I read to my children long after they could read at a near-adult level themselves. Helping children to learn to read is only one of many good reasons for reading to them.

mistihayes,

You completely missed my point. Just because a higher percentage of males than females are interested in cars doesn't mean that men who aren't interested in them are any less masculine.

I don't know what "Beaches" is so I can't answer that question.

I don't remember the total number of times my husband cried. On a number of occasions, though, including the birth of our babies.

You seem to have a somewhat cynical attitude toward men in general.

I am not sure what you meant by "progress the health park," but you reinforced my point - for many farmers, the only way to survive is to sell out to developers.

Mistihayes and ima clearly just want to argue with me for the sake of arguing. I am quite sure if one of the other SM's were to criticize corporate farming, they would agree wholeheartedly.

Having been a big city girl all my life, I dont ptetend to know about the farming life, but I know enough not to think they re all hicks because they have a different lifestyle than mine...And I dont think anyone is lining up against reading to children..My parents , like Mistis didnt read to me either, but it was totally stressed in my house when my child was growing up...And I dont think men that cook are losers, I think men that abandon their families for another woman are losers...Also think it was more common in our fathers generation to take off on weekends to fish, hunt, drink, after a hard weeks work...I think they just werent as evolved as the generation today who do spend more time with the kids.....Misti, DH doing pretty well..Hes still working, but always tired..Is your Dad working, or did he have to stop? The best....

Dotz,
I'm glad your DH can still work. Dad doesn't any longer. He is able to take care of himself now without turning blue. I do his pills & cook every once in awhile. He's gotten so skinny. He moved over to his addition. Seeing the room empty that he was staying in with us, made me empty. I want him in the same house but he definetly need his own area away from these boys.
IMA,
I love the country life. Unfortunately, I now live in town. I like going out to all the vineyards. Their are many. Most of the farms around here & orchards are large ones. My definition of rich is probably skewed. I consider many people rich. Anyone who lives in a big beautiful home is rich to me. Kind of a simple way of defining rich.
TOS, Go back & look at my post...I said "Dad spent most weekends he had off with my Grandpa fishing. This is your manipulated version, "I just can't imagine a father going off every weekend". You manipulate words. It's all over this forum.

Hi Jen,

I can tell you that at times being a childless step mom has been like the most inner level of hell....hahahaha. Don't for a second get me wrong. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my two step daughters. Very much. At times I even feel like they are my own but when ever hubs talks about when they were babies, or how they were breast fed, or what the pregnancy was like I feel so dejected and out of the loop.

We don't think I am capable of having children. We are in the process of trying to figure out what is wrong with me now. I want to have that experience of carrying a child. I wouldn't love this child anymore than my two girls I have now (we have custody) but I wouldnt feel so out of touch with the whole "parent" experience. I feel I only know half of it or something.

I would like to find more resources on the subject as well. I think even though Hubs, his children and I all get along abnormally well for a blended family, I could still use the support:)

Personally I would rather have my dad hubby or any male figure out doing something than sitting on the couch wallowing in self pity or waiting for the bar to open to head out the door....

I am in mass ... and dairy farmers and other farmers here in my part of mass have and use ATV's and their John Deere's to get around ... even my neighbors use their lawn tractors to get around the island cheaper on gas ... and a few have golf carts... my hubby puts the kids on the trailer and takes them visiting around the island. His brother who lives the next street over lets his 12 yr old use the golf cart to go riding around the island ... most of the neighbors have pick up trucks and put the kids in the back went riding around on the island..... does that make us "rednecks" or "hicks"...

It hasn't rained here in over 12 days(until today) ... so you are telling me none of the farmers have used sprinklers in 12 days to get the crops growing must be my imagination going by the corn fields and cranberry bogs I must be seeing things.....and another figment of my imagination must be the ATV's on the corn field.... maybe in your area they do not use them but in my area they do ...

We have small dairy farms all over I am sure they struggle but what better way to grow up living off the land ... If we could have chickens and other farm animals we would to survive with 5 kids at home... the amount of money it costs me at the market weekly I would much rather grow and produce my own food ... half of my backyard is a garden this year last year is was a 1/4 of the yard. We did a raised bed with all sorts of fruits and vegetables, no corn though I would have to do the whole yard a garden to provide enough corn for the family.

Why can't you imagine a father going off every weekend?? where is your ex every weekend?? he is off somewhere.

TOS:
You brag how wonderful he was ... but he snapped and is now not so wonderful but you still defend him he must have hated every minute of being wonderful because he can't even be bothered anymore. Maybe he only did it to get away from you because you wouldn't let him be a "man" and do "man" things he had to do things with the kids to get away from you ...

And on that note ....

How much time are the parents really spending with their kids if they are shuffling them back and forth to activities some kids spend more time in a car than in bed because they are always on the go ... let kids be kids. They do not need to be entertained 24/7 as a kid we always entertained ourselves even just riding bikes.

Last week was vacation week should have been kids all over the place playing didn't see many kids out playing all home glued to the computer and tv. I got home from work told my SC its too nice to be in the house ... and kicked them out next thing I knew they were at my SIL's house she was calling me to ask if they could stay for dinner.

My SS12 flipped out when I told him to go outside and play for an hour while I made lunch ... you might have thought I grounded him to be outside. Why do I have to go outside!!!

"Mistihayes and ima clearly just want to argue with me for the sake of arguing. I am quite sure if one of the other SM's were to criticize corporate farming, they would agree wholeheartedly."

I'm not just arguing for the sake of arguing. I think you are wrong. I don't disagree that family farms can't fairly compete with corporate farming. Without corporate farming, there would not be enough produce, dairy or meat. Small farms don't produce enough to feed everyone and the prices would be outrageous if that was the only option. It's not fair to blame corporate farming per se, when it is a matter of supply & demand.

and to be honest, I have never thought of New England and thought 'dairy farm', I think of clam chowder. Now, if you said Wisconsin, I'd think dairy farm. I'm sure there are small dairy farms throughout the country that produce better quality products and aren't getting rich doing it. I'd think they would stay in it for the enjoyment they get by producing their product.

This whole issue got me thinking about when I was a kid. My mom used to take me downtown to get my clothes and we'd shop in the small boutiques on main street. Back then, it was a small town. (about 2,000 people) and now, it's grown to over 40,000. Main street has become a tourist attraction with mostly antique stores. All the boutiques are gone and Wal Mart has become the place to shop. I think it's terrible for the small business owner when a large corporation comes in and they can't compete. However, there is such a huge demand for low prices and variety of selection that those small stores didn't have. There have been a few stores that have tried to open up and last just a few months. I'll shop in them when they are here because I support small business, but the prices are quite a bit higher and when you have to put gas in your tank and support children, you can't always spend that much more.

misti,

"Anyone who lives in a big beautiful home is rich to me. Kind of a simple way of defining rich."

I thought that way too before I started doing what I do now. There is a community in the next town over that developers came in and built extravagant luxury homes in an exclusive (gated) community. These houses were selling like hotcakes for half million to well over a million. (the half million dollar homes were not too fancy or big, kinda plain) Many of the people that bought these homes had sold their homes in the bay area, where shabby homes can cost over a million. They came here and got interest only loans and used the money from the sale of their old homes to have fun. They bought boats, hummers, jet skis, ATV's, just a lot of toys and spent weekends enjoying it. They must have figured with the housing market so hot, they'd be able to do an interest only loan for six months or a year and during that time, the equity would grow. My sister bought a house and she gained $30k in equity before it closed. Then the market turned and values began to drop. I've served many foreclosures and evictions in that gated community. The developer is being sued (I served him last week) and most of the homes are now vacant. There are for sale signs all over the place. It looks like a ghost town most of the time. A year ago, if you said 'I live in _______'(name of the community), it meant "I'm rich" (and most of the people that did live in there would say it in a pretentious way, as to say "don't you know who I am?") but now, if someone says they live there, I say "really? you haven't lost your home yet?" Okay, I don't actually say that but I do think it. I guess my point is that people that live in big beautiful homes may be mortgaged to the eyeballs and losing sleep over it when others are looking in from the outside saying 'wow, they have it all.'

you had children for only two weeks in summer and you thought that was weird and too much and wanted him to cut it out. what thaaa? what about people who live with their kids? do they get to kick kids out when they do renovations?how could you possibly do everything what mom does when kids didn't even live with you? they lived wiht their mother! so what they spent two weeks with dad or visited him? EOW is not the same as living with children and actually raising them. and even that you thought was too much. wow, wow just wow

Lol--- I told my kids the same thing when I came home from work the other day. It was so beautiful outside it was depressing to me to be indoors working.. then I come home and they are all huddled in the house watching tv... I told them "Everyboyd out !! It's a gorgeous day go and get some exercise!!" "UH! Why do we have to go outside... I was watching __!! It was ridiculous and funny at the same time :-)

"He doesn't hunt, fish, ride 4 wheelers, or shoot rifles."

Not only no one in my family ever did but I do not personally know any man who does. And so? does it make men I know or related to less "men"? I have nothing against men who do that stuff but it says nothing to me about them, neither good nor bad.

Going outside:

I told hubby if it was raining they would be whining we're bored we can't go out...there's nothing to do!

I resorted to ... next time you ask me to go out I am going to say why do you have to go out its too nice to play outside ... and make you stay in ...

Apology to Jen, your post has been hijacked to include masculine men, farms and reading, and now wealth!!! LOL Misti and IMA, boy ,everybody pines away for stuff, me included, but today I saw the best photo frame that puts this in perspective...It says.... The best things in life are not things, and it has a photo of my girlfriends 3 kids in it...Sweet, huh?

pseudo_mom,

"We have small dairy farms all over I am sure they struggle but what better way to grow up living off the land .."

I agree completely. It is a great way to grow up, and family farms are environmentally preferable, in part because they limit transportation costs. We are lucky to live in New England, where we can easily buy milk without BST from local dairies.

I have never known a farmer to irrigate corn or oats in this area. I have seen truck farmers irrigate vegetables, but those acreages tend to be smaller.

I'm sorry Jen. We did highjack your post.
When I posted about my DH not being the same man as my Dad. I wrote that by todays standards my DH's Dad would have been considered a better Dad because he spent more time doing the vacation thing. We did less with my Dad. Didn't spend many vacations with him but was raised respecting him more than anyone else. He's not more man than any man. MY DAD IS THE MAN!!!!!!

Jen,
I was in the same boat 5 years ago , going on 6, when i met my DH. His daughter was 7 at the time and his son was going on 4. I had no kids of my own either at the time and was very nervous cause all the emotions were new.
The only advice i can give you from my experience is to take it day by day. Get to know one another. Be friends. Dont invade personal space with his daughter. Let her come to you and just let things go naturally.
There will be good time and bad times. But always remember to think before acting. There is nothing wrong with being angry or sad or any emotion. We are all human. His daughter is also going through alot of emotions too and over the years you will all experience joys and sadness and anger. Keep your chin up.
We finally had a son a little over 2 years now. That open another bag of worms of course with biomom and kids but we took it day by day and we still do.
now we have hit the teen years for SD so the teenage attitude has come out and testing of boundaries. But hey such is life. I get angry at her but she doesn tlive with me 24/7 so her mom will have to handle that aspect. Which i sometimes worry doesnt' handle it best but hey, i'm not her mom and if her mom want to tell her to f off who i am i to judge. lol..
I've reached a point where its not my problem and if biomom needs help than she can call and ask. As much as i do not like her and from all the things she has done, she is still human. Sooo....take it day by day. one emotion at a time and above all , make sureyou do not lose yourself in the problems. Take some tiem out for yourself. And dont blame yourself for things you cannot control.

thanks maria...

It will be a journey, that's for sure. There will be good days and bad. My BF had her this weekend, and I stayed with them and it was good. Really good. I was not with them 100%, but when I was, it was great.

There are issues with the BM and as a result it is something that we are going to have to deal with (financial issues)...I desperately want my own child, and I just hope that I don't sacrifice that because it would not be feasable because he has to take care of his daughter AND the ex wife.

One day at a time, I guess.