Even if it costs more, try breaking the summer vacation into one two week session at the beginning of summer, and one two week session at the end. Your husband will be thrilled because he can have the kids twice that way.

Or try to spread visits more evenly over the year.

If its at all possible, give the kids their own space in your home. When my stepkids were living with their mom, a ten hour drive away, we still found them their own space by doing some minor remodelling. The rooms were tiny, but they were theirs.

YOur husband needs to also get used to the idea that the older kids get, the less they will want to visit.

The money thing is more difficult. I cant imagine being married to someone and having each person paying for their own kids separately. Its our money in our home. The idea of paying for your own expenses only is foreign to me.

I think counselling is almost mandatory here. You are angry,. he is angry. Neither of you is hearing the underlying concerns in the other persons anger. YOu are both blaming each other, instead of trying to find solutions. COunselling is the only way I can see both of you feeling safe enough to express the motives and reasons behind your respective positions.

Do it now, dont delay. Go alone if you have to. Tell him you want to find a way to help find compromises with the kids and that he needs to take part by coming to the counsellor.

Tell him you love him and want to find a way to communicate better about this, because you both are hurt and angry, for different reasons. Of course, only tell him that if its true :)

Good luck

Maybe OP's DH is reacting very passive-aggresively to his dissatisfaction about not being able to do more for his kids himself. It sounds like almost all of the year they live with his ex-wife, and that he does not make very much money. Maybe he is frustrated that he can't do more for them and is blaming his wife because it's easier for him to say, "Look what you're not doing" rather than face the fact of what he's not doing, or isn't in a position to do. Just a thought?

...Also, wondering if OP's DH makes an effort to do activities with OP's three biokids on his own, without her? They live with OP and her DH, so wondering how much time he spends with them and how much he has invested in his relationships with them. He obviously expects her to do so with his biokids.

I think she should really consider some marriage counseling with her husband - there must have been a reason why they fell in love and decided to marry - we're talking about 6, soon to be 7 kids' lives here (not to mention her own happiness and her husband's) and if there is any way to work out the problems and not blame each other, it would be a good idea to try.

Your husband is being ridiculous!! Let him read this forum so he can see how ridiculous he is being, maybe he does not realize it?

Your going to buy things for children that live with you throughout the year. Sometimes you may buy something for only one of them because they need it and the others don't. That happens! If one child gets a birthday gift do all the others need the same item? It is silly! Your kids live with you all the time so your going to buy them things more often than your stepkids. I am sure your stepkids mom uses the child support and buys your stepkids things throughout the year that your kids do not have. If you found out one of your stepkids got an ipod would you have to run out and buy all your kids ipods? I would assume not!

I assume your stepkids have bedrooms at their moms house? So unless you have an enormous house they can not each have their own room there too! It sounds like you have a 4 bdrm home. Is he expecting you and him to use one room, and your 3 kids to share another so his kids have 2 bedrooms reserved? Does not make sense!! They can share rooms with your children during the summer! Give them each a dresser drawer or 2 and some space in the closet so they have room for their own stuff. They should be fine!

Communication in a marriage should not revolve around name calling and screaming matches. Your dh needs to be able to sit and talk to you about the situation. He sounds very angry about it all and is not expressing it in a way that is going to solve anything!

M2-
"If you found out one of your stepkids got an ipod would you have to run out and buy all your kids ipods? I would assume not!"
THAT is exactly what my SC thought- I bought an Ipod that was priced incorrectly, about a month before Christmas.Stores here must give you that price, by law. My SC were all mad because they couldn't buy an ipod for that price, the day after Christmas. I kept the receipt, and tried to show them that we had not paid full price.In the future, if I find a case full of mismarked ipods, I might buy them all!

sounds like problems come from DH not wanting to do any parenting or anything else for that matter, he just delegates everything to his wife. he is the parent, when kids visit he should take care of them, not you.

Of course SKs should feel at home at dads but he is not raising them. Let's face it.

DD was spending holidays and breaks and vacations with dad every year (8 weeks during summer etc), but lived primarily wiht me. When DD was at dad it was his job to keep DD busy, to sign her up for summer activity, take her on vacation and arrange baby sitting if he had to work.

He didn't delegate. So there was no resentment, and no jealousy. if he had her, he had to make sure her summer and all other breaks are organzied. It was his job to take care of her. His wife was never required to devote all her time or spend all her money on DD.

Your DH is unreasonable. Even with your own children you do not buy same items all the time for all of them. It is ridiculous.

DD had her bedroom in dad's house simply because they did have extra room available, and DD's brother had his own room. But nobody ever expects to keep separate bedrooms for 6 kids who come and go!!!

your DH makes no sense.

I think Sweeby nailed it;
when you strip away the itemization of incidents, what remains is that nothing is his fault, everything is your responsibility, including ridiculous stuff that he must make up (he's going to leave you because your father brought presents??), everything you do is wrong because the rules are that if you're doing it, it can't be right, he screams & storms & threatens....

it's abuse, & abuse always gets worse.

I don't understand why your stepchildren can't go to camp for a few weeks during the summer while they are there.

Why can't you put your two girls in together when his children are there, then put his two girls in a room together, and then at most one of them has to share - unless you have a study or family room or something that can be his. I can understand why a 14 year old would hate sharing with a nine year old. Or you could finish the basement and add a couple of bedrooms.

but don't you think that DH has to finish the basement and put couple of bedrooms there, not OP? and for that reason he needs to get a decent job so he can afford putting extra bedrooms there. It appears she is the only one paying bills and he does not help, so she should be the one to rearrange bedrooms and even finishing basement? That's what the whole problem is about, dad is dsipleased with his wife but does not want to do anything himself, he delegates to his wife and then expects her to handle everything alone. very convenient.

I didn't mean she necessarily had to do the work personally (especially pregnant). Why are you assuming that he doesn't have a decent job, just because she earns a lot more?

DH needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his kids!! If you do not share money, then he should be the one buying their things-not you! If he is going to complain about what you do with the kids then let him know he is more than welcome to take care of them himself!!

As for vacations, is it possible to do one "whole family" vacation with all the kids and one mini vacation with just yours? I can see how it would be upsetting if the only vacation he took excluded his kids.

tos, he does not help with the bills and she pulls the weight alone. with any kind of remotely decent pay he should be able to help. unless he makes a minimum wage, which is not a decent job for a family man. if in fact he has a decent job, but still refuses to step up, then it is even worse than i thought.

there are 6 kids and one on a way and it is all on her. why are you defending this guy? sounds a bit like you X, 6 kids but you do it all alone. it is not how it has to be though.

She says he pays "a lot" in child support, so I doubt if he has a minimum wage job.

I got the impression that now that she is not earning as much, she wants him to help her with "her" bills, like tennis lessons for her children, since she had been paying for things like vacations for him. That may not be an unreasonable expectation, but that isn't the same as saying that he doesn't pay for the food he eats or his own clothing.

Perhaps he just has a regular job, and she used to earn a salary that made her richer than Croesus. Maybe he earns 50K and she earned 150K - I don't think we have enough info here.

"His life seems to literally start and stop around their schedules."
I didn't get the impression that he dumped all the child care on him. She says she tries to stay away from home as much as possible, so either they are home alone for extended periods, or he is there with them.

I can imagine it would be very difficult to make friends at that age when you are only there for five weeks. It's not like kids of that age could go up to another child in the playground and say, "Will you play with me?"

As to vacations, I can understand that the kids get upset if their father goes to exciting places and they never get to go. My child recently had to write an essay for a foreign language class about a memorable vacation, but the last real vacation that child had was 15 years ago. Meanwhile their father has gone on a cruise, to Europe, across the country - and those are only the ones I know about.

Alicia your husband is being unreasonable. And he is acting because of his own guilt.
Sit down with him and get a list!
6 kids on vacation is crazy!!! and calling you a bad stepmom is totally out of line!!! As for activities there will always be times when there are things done without his kids. What are u suppose to do ? Wait till the 5 weeks come in the summer to cram everthing together????? Is that fair for your kids?
If he wants stuff to be bought for his kids then your kids should get the same treatment from him too!
The problem is not the skids...its your husband. And i'm really sorry to hear that his attitude stinks. I had issues with my husband on some things you listed...like bedrooms. i told him when we buy a house your kids will share while our one now and soon to be two next year will get their own. He was pist off and i said i will not have 2 empty bedrooms throughout the years. I'm paying for the downpayment i'm paying for alot fo things here! Our son now is in a makeshift side room of the hall and his kids have a bedroom with a window! I've made sacrifices and i will not budge onthis. I told h im if he doens't liek, divorce me and leave me alone. We've had alot of scrap outs . Hold your ground. He is the one being unreasonable. He wants bedrooms for his kids!! Tell him to build extensions to the existing house if he wants that and foot the bill for kids that are barely there!
What really pisses me off is that his kids are angry at you for not taking them on vacation. Well, did the exwife take you guys on vacation when they went on family vacation? NO..
This happen to me last year. I went on a small trip to ontario. DH was guilty cause we didn't bring his kids or event ell them. I said, did your ex wife bring you or me or our son to Disney world last year? when did she tell you? one week before they left and only cause she needed your signature by law!
I do not tell my skids my everyday activities in our household.
They live with their mom and their mom doesn't want them to tell us her routine either. Its our business what happens in our household and its her business what happens under her roof.
My husband now adays is very bitter cause he knows i've made it clear that i do not like the way his daughters character is. He tries to convince me that his daughter asks about me and our son and i do not care anymore. I've caught her more than once on the phone to her mom backstabbing me so...i do my own thing now and i keep my distance.
If your husband doesn't change his attitude, then i would suggest to tell him to move out. If he cannot be a team player with you then he'ld better live. You are miserable and should be at peace with your new baby growing.
Youknow, he may be feeling anxious and resentful to some extent cause u guys will have a baby together and he feels guilty for his kids and resents yours from being around.

You are not a terrible stepmom, but you might turn into one if your husband doesn't lighten up a little.

I don't know what it is with men and them wanting their children to have their own room. When we moved into our house (3 bedroom), SD and my DD were both 5. SD had just finished kindergarten and DD was starting next school year. We were pregnant with our DD that we have together. He wanted to give SD her own room and have my DD and new baby share a room. At the time SD only spent the night every other weekend. I told him that I absolutely was not putting an infant in a room with a school-aged child and that if he wanted SD to have her own room that the baby would be rooming with us. Well, that nipped that in the butt!! Big girls share a room, and I actually think they prefer it that way since they do almost everything together when SD is here.

As for the buy for one, buy for all policy, it's just not reasonable. I buy what each one needs. Sometimes one needs shoes, but the other two don't. This summer SD needs clothes, but DD and little DD have plenty of really nice hand me downs left and some things that still fit from last year, so SD will get many more new summer clothes than the other children. At Christmas though we do buy a lot of duplicates for the older girls, but sometimes they'll get a gift they all have to share...like Nintendo Wii or craft supplies.

As for your family not buying steps Christmas present, it is kind of crappy, but also their choice. My parents and DH's parents buy for all the kids equally, but I do have one aunt and my grandmother who always forget about SD. My aunt has only met SD a handful of times, so I think it just doesn't cross her mind. She usually leaves the presents for my children at my mom's, so SD really doesn't even know she's left out. My grandma has my cousin do her shopping, and I wouldn't be surprised if my cousin had no idea SD even existed since she hasn't come to a family occasion in almost 10 years. The gift is usually gift cards, so I just buy one for SD from grandma and give it to her when the other children get theirs. So far grandma hasn't even noticed, but I know SD would!! However, I would never demand...or even ask...that they buy for SD. I think it's kind of rude that they don't, but I've accepted the fact that I can't control what other people do, so I don't even bother with it. DH doesn't get too uptight about it.

What's weird though is that SD has a huge family on her mother's side, and she actually just gets oodles of presents from them. DD and little DD only get from my family and DH's family. Older DD's dad is on the every other Christmas plan (except he's missed the last two), and when she does see him for Christmas, he's definitely not spoiling her, and his family will get her nothing, even though she is biologically related, because I guess they're not expecting her. But even though SD gets probably four times as many Christmas presents in total than the other kids, on Christmas morning she will count up everyone's presents to see who has the most packages under the tree. I actually count the wrapped boxes and make sure she has the exact same amount of boxes as the others...or more...just to save face and keep the peace.

As for vacations, I've always found it kind of odd when people don't take their children with them, period. SD's mom took a beach vacation with just her boyfriend, leaving SD with us. My first husband's ex-wife took a Disney vacation with her boyfriend, and left their children with us. All I would do is walk around moping about which child would have really liked what. I don't think I could have any fun. My cousin and her husband have six children, and they always take them all on vacation, so it is doable. Weekend or day outings aside, I do think I would try to plan any major vacations to include skids. I know we only take one major vacation a year...if that. If you're wealthier, maybe you take more. I don't know. But I would at least try to include them.

This has sort of turned into my own personal rant, but the only advice I have is not to walk on eggshells. That will get you nowhere. If you're doing the best you can and it's not good enough for skids and DH, then I guess DH can take a walk. I quit trying to make everyone happy, and now I just concentrate on making myself happy. My dad always said, "If mama's unhappy, everybody's unhappy." It sounds like you're very reasonable overall. Hope you can get DH to be reasonable too.

if kids live with mom doesn't she take them on vacations? kids only see dad once a year, i assume they do have some activities going on during the year at their mothers.

I also do not understand being upset that dad went on vacation without them. they were at moms house at that time. it never occur to me to get upset over X taking his son on vacation during spring break. DD wasn't there at spring break so how i can get upset she didn't go on vacation? she went on vacation over other breaks when she was actually there. she went somewhere with me during spring break, so why these kids don't go with their mom? I never thought my daughter has to always get everything what her little brother gets in exactly same time frame. It is a ridiclous request.

Hey there,

First of all I would like to say that you are an amazing woman and step-mom with a crazy amount of patients!!!!!

I am with you on the fact that his kids don't need to have their own rooms when they are only there a portion of the time. How ever at the ages that they are (all entering their teen years, their should be some place in the house they can can go to to be alone when they need to "like a recrecation room or something, as there are a lot of people in your house!>.

From the way you describe the situation, I don't think many people would look forward to their visits! STRESS CITY!!!!

I donAlso, all of the books I have read regarding blended families suggest that you still take special time out with each of your children and step children on an individual basis. He seems to expect you to entertain his kids, I am right? Where is he while you are playing the entertainer? Why doesn't he taken his kids rummaging?

Your family is not obligated to buy gifts for his children, as you said, they never even see them.

Question/suggestion: Do any of the kids get an allowance? This may help... essentials are bought by moms and allawance is used for things the kids want and recreation activities (movies, arcade...) with friends.

Vacations; how are you supposed to take his kids on vaction with you guys during spring break if it isn't your turn to have them? Besides, he can pay for his children to come on vaction with you guys and make all of the arrangements if that is what he wants. Also, there is nothing wrong with you and your kids taking a vaction together and him and his kids taking an other vacation. Is it okay to take vacation without the step-children? I would say hell-yes! Why not leave all of the children home and take a vaction just the two of you!!!! That is totally okay too!

As far as my blended family goes (and we are a very different case; my boyfriend has two young children; a 5 year old son and a 3.5 year old daughter, I have no kids and we have none together yet, plus the kids live 5 minutes away and we see them on a weekly basis) dad pays mom x amount of money each week on child support, she buys all of the essentials clothes, bikes, helmets... the cost of lessons and sports are split 50%-50% between mom and dad. I do buy things for the kids, but they are usually treats. But one day when we have a child together, we will have to provide for that child, as we will be the sole providers for that child. So his kids won't seem to get as much from us...

The child support your husband pays should be going to meet the needs of his children (clothes, shoes, school...). I am not sure what you mean by "should the stepchildren come first financially"; he should see them, but he shouldn't have to spend tons of money "that he doesn't have> on them. Quality time doesn't have to be expensive.

I would agree with you that his kids' home is with their mother. As you said, he is not at all rational on this issue.

I really think you two need to sit down and talk and I know you said he isn't interested, but a mediator would probably really help turn accusations into ' I ' messages.

I wish you guys luck!

Vacations: Hmm... tough one. I can truly see both sides of this one. Yes, it's absurd to NEVER take a vacation all throughout the majority of the year when SK's aren't around... and yes, most likely they go here-and-there on trips with their CP... Yes, it's difficult to take six kids on a vacation... but it's also inherently difficult having six kids, period. Yes, I can see SK's being offended if Spring Break vacay with only BK's "just happened" to occur on SK's "off-holiday" (Oops!), or, like, 2 weeks before they arrived at your house. Or if that kinda "crazy timing" tends to happen a lot.

This is one of those things that truly seems like a matter of intentions. Technically speaking, no, of course you're not required by law to include the SK's in everything you do. But we all know how if someone wants to "stick it" to someone bad enough ---and be able to claim innocence later--- ways can be found that are "perfectly within one's rights". So I guess what I'm saying, OP, is you know, deep down, whether or not you are excluding or "sticking it" to the SK's. Whether or not you make it a personal priority of YOURS (completely independent of how much DH pushes, or doesn't push, the issue) to make sure all kids are loved, included and treated fairly and welcomed. Whether or not you merely do the minimum of what you have to do for "HIS KIDS", or whether you truly try your best, out of love and concern. Not so much about actions but the rationalizations for, and the true feelings/intentions behind, those actions.

On the surface, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything mean or overly exclusive. (And it sounds more that DH *IS* being too hard on you, especially if he is not pulling his weight as their parent!!!) But, really, ONLY YOU KNOW for sure whether you are truly making the SK's feel welcome. I could understand (and have seen it happen many times over) that your hurt/anger at DH could affect how welcoming you even WANT to be to his children. But try very hard not to let that grow into resentment toward them, which would mean the self-fulfilling prophecy of you ACTUALLY starting to treat them like crap (which, as I've said, is entirely possible to do while following all stated guidelines or platitudes of 'fairness'). This is your challenge: to do your best to avoid getting to that point. It's a very good sign that you ***haven't*** started to take it out on the SK's.

Six with one on the way is ALOT. I thought twins were a handful. I dont think had I been in your position that I'd of gotten pregnant. Things are going to be extra political now that you guys are fixing to have one together. Sounds to me like your situation was already difficult enough without another child in the mix.

That said I don't think you are a bad step parent. With so many kids you can only do so much without going bankrupt! Kids need to learn that they wont always get what the other has anyway.

I knew this family that had a daughter who was in ballet and a son who was on a little league team. They were half siblings. Everytime we saw the girls picture in a recital program....they had the son posing next to her with a bat in his wearing his baseball uniform!!!! Vice Versa. In his baseball pics...there she was in a tutu and toe shoes. I always thought this was completely ridiculous. Its like the parent who buys all the kids presents on birthdays so no ones feelings get hurt. Please. Let children have their own moment once in awhile and NO NO NO the grandparents should NOT HAVE to buy for all the step children. That isnt fair. What if they cant afford it, should their biological grand children never receive presents from their grand parents? Come on now. Get real.

"He has told me I am a terrible stepmom because I went rummaging with my oldest daughter and didn't get his kids anything"

When he buys something for any of the kids, does he get the others something too???

"Then he got furious with me when I didn't want to take all 6 kids rummaging the following weekend."

Where does HE go with all six kids???

"This last Christmas my dad dropped off gifts for my 3 kids but nothing for his. My husband was going to leave me because of it."

You don't have to explain anything. Does his ex buy gifts for your kids??? His kids get two Christmas's and do they have another set of grandparents?

Then he "took them over to his parents instantly and then brought them back with a couple bags of gifts from his parents."

Did his parents send gifts for YOUR kids???

"I can't foot the bills anymore on my own and won't be able to for a couple more months. He isn't helping me in any way."

Why would you do agree to foot the bills to begin with for such an ungrateful, selfish man? If he isn't helping in any way, why would you have a baby with him?

"His 14 year old isn't talking to any of us because I took my kids and husband on vacation over springbreak and didn't take them."

First, I can understand why the kid(s) would get upset. Would it have been possible to take them? If not, they are 10 hours away and there really isn't any reason to share the details of a trip that they can't go on with them. Don't they go places without your husband??? If they can't go or do something, why tell them??? BTW, my exBF and I both had 3 kids each but all lived with us. We went to Las Vegas for a marathon he was helping with. His three kids stayed with their grandma (his mom) but I didn't have family to watch mine so we took them. Were his kids resentful? I don't know. If they were, they never told us. I think kids will use the guilt trip to manipulate if they know it works. Your DH is already parenting out of guilt so they know whining about not getting to go will work on dad. (My son has played the 'you love them more than you love me' game with his own brother & sister) Don't buy into it.

"I now work out of my home so there will be constant issues when I don't want his kids here all day interfering while I am working."

Tell your husband to make arrangements for his kids. They are HIS responsibility and if he isn't going to support you in disciplining them or making them behave so you can work, then he should stay home with them or make other arrangements. It's NOT your problem.

"He has refused to ever go on another vacation with my kids and I unless his kids get to go."

If you are paying for it and those are his conditions, I'd go without him. I'd even tell him that you're just giving him the opportunity to spend some quality alone time with his kids while you and your kids are gone. Make sure you tell him to have a good time.

"I guess I'm at my wits end and am not sure if I should just cut the ties now."

Well, you said:
"My husband has gotten extremely angry with me over the last couple years because he doesn't think his kids feel welcome here"
and
"He has told me I am a terrible stepmom"
and
"Then he got furious with me"
and
"My husband was going to leave me because of it"
and
"If I don't come home with something for his kids, all hell breaks loose."
and
"I can honestly say I can't remember a time when he has bought my kids so much as a t-shirt"
and
"He isn't helping me in any way. Just assuming I will find a way to get back on track"
and
"I am constantly being told how terrible I am and how I just want him to abandon his kids."
and
"He won't go to a counselor cuz he says I will just get angry when I am proven wrong. Tells me all his friends and family ask how he can put up with me."
and
"He thinks that is wrong and that he is raising them"
and
"He can get really mean about it and calls me some horrible names. I walk on eggshells when they are here or sometimes just stay away from home as much as possible. He gets really upset when I'm not excited for them to come. He expects me to devote the entire time they are here to them since they aren't here that often."

You want answers???
1.Do most blended families have the non-bio parent pay for the non-biological children whenever they buy something for their biological children?

Sure, if they want. If the kids are respectful and they can afford it. But, the bottom line, those kids have bio parents to buy them things. A Step parent doesn't "have" to do anything. We do it because we want. Either we want to for our spouse or we want to for the child. In my opinion, it's reciprocal. You're nice to me, I'm nice to you. You do for me, I do for you. You respect me, I respect you. You want to crap on me, go talk to your parents.

2. Is it okay to take vacations without the stepchildren??

Family vacations should include the family, including steps. However, you can't always include everyone for financial reasons or schedule conflicts. My son missed trips when he was with his dad. He went on trips with his dad too. Oh well, it's part of life and if they can't deal with the disappointment that they aren't included in every little thing or that you won't schedule your life around when they are there, then it's too bad. Their parents are doing them a disservice. If that's a big problem for him, then if you go somewhere with your kids and not your husband, then it's no longer a 'family' vacation, just a getaway with your kids. Your kids deserve alone time with you and that give him time alone with his. He can always take his kids on a trip without you and your kids. Fair is Fair.

3. Does it matter that he pays a lot in child support and then I spend between 2 and 3 grand a year on trips to go visit them?

The expense to visit his children is HIS responsibility. If you help him, he should appreciate it and kiss your feet, not 'expect' it. That money could be going into a college fund for your kids. It's not your fault he has three kids and can't afford to go see them. If you are generous enough to fund his transporting his kids, then what is he complaining about???

4. Should the stepchildren come first financially - we are struggling now at home and will be for the next 3 or 4 months.

For child support purposes, YES. His kids were there first and he has his first obligation to meet their needs. They should not get less support because he is making another family with you. But when he has met his support obligation, then he has an obligation to you and his current family. I would definitely have separate finances in your situation. If he has money after he pays his support and contributes to the household expenses, then what he does with HIS money is HIS business. Likewise, YOUR money is YOURS. He shouldn't make you feel an obligation to his kids, especially if they don't treat you well.

5. Should he still be going to visit them when we can't even afford to pay our bills at home?

He should visit them, but he should be paying for it. If you can't pay your bills at home, then he needs to get another job, cut back on expenses (ie. sit in the dark and eat hamburger helper) If he can't come up with the money to go see them, he might cut back but not stop altogether.

6. Is it okay for me to sign my bio kids up for tennis lessons without paying for his??

If you can afford lessons for your kids, then of course you should be allowed to sign them up. His kids don't live with you and it doesn't sound as if he can afford to pay for those things when they visit. If he didn't sound like such a jerk that is allowing his kids to treat you like crap, I'd say it would be nice for you to pay for his kids because he can't afford it. However, it goes back to doing things for people that treat you poorly and don't respect you or appreciate you, I wouldn't.

7. Should my family be getting his children gifts for Christmas and birthday since they give mine gifts?

Your family should be getting gifts for who they want. If they only want to buy one gift for one of your children, it's their choice. Gifts are not 'required', they are gifts. It would be nice if your family wanted to get them a little something but something tells me that they wouldn't be happy no matter what you do.

The problem here isn't his kids, it's HIM. I don't know why you'd want to have a child with someone that would treat you this way but I've said it a million times, you teach people how to treat you. You've allowed them to walk all over you and make you feel bad, guilty or responsible for things that you are not responsible for.

I make more money than my husband and he has a lot more bills than I do. I pay for our vacations and most things for his daughter that lives with us. If he talked to me like you describe and just expected me to do everything I do, he'd be looking for a new place to live. He's very appreciative of what I do and very apologetic to me when his ex or his daughter treat me bad. I can't imagine being in your situation. I feel luckier than ever for my husband now, despite the problems with his ex.

My mother and MIL buy for all the grandkids bio or not but they see them regularly. I would be disappointed if my MIL bought for my stepkids and not my own even if she did it privately. On the other hand if she bought a small modest gift for everyone and did extra for her bio grandkids I would appreciate the gesture of including my kids and certainly understand her wanting to do a little more as this is what my mother does. Everyone gets a card with $5 for birthday in the mail and when my kids visit they get a gift too. At Christmas everyone gets the same gift (movie tickets, books, game- etc) and when I go with just my kids she has a few other things for them.

Vacations are tough. I posted in another thread about a friends daughter who only sees her dad a few times a year and at Christmas he had to bring her home early because he was going on a "family trip to Disney" with SM and Skids- she was devastated that she was not asked even though she admits she would have said no. I can see kids feeling sad about Dad taking trips without them. I would encourage DH to take some trips (even if they are day trips with just him and his kids) I would also do some trips just you and your kids when his kids are in town so everyone has a little space even if it is just to grandparents house for the weekend.

Moreover I would return his crap to him- if his kids need something that you didn't buy on your shopping trip then he should take them if he is feeling guilty then he should try to change himself not you. You sound like a wonderful mom:)

I pretty much agree with what most everyone else has said here but in regards to the grandparents buying gifts for everyone ...

When I first married DH I made clear to everyone that these were now my kids what you do for one you do for everyone. I could care less if all it is .. is a box of crayons from the dollar store ... Everyone will be treated the same way. Luckily, my family never really had an issue with it.. But everyone understood and everyone did include everyone or they didnt buy for anyone.

I do not have a clear opinion on this, i just wonder what you guys think. I just wonder if I would marry someone with 6 kids, would my parents have to buy them all gifts? they already have 3 grandkids and two adult kids to buy gifts for. what if they cannot afford it? so if they would have to start buying something to 6 more kids they would have to cut on gifts for their grandkids. would the be fair? just because I would choose to marry someone with so many kids my parents would have to struggle financially? what about adult stepkids? do my parents have to buy gifts for them too? I love my parents, I can't demand from them gifts for that many kids. 1-2 maybe, but what if i marry someone with 10 kids? do my parents have to pay for that too?

mine went from one grandkid to four...but still I feel the same way... it is not the kids fault they are in the situation of blended families and while everyone cant and shouldnt get exactly what everyone else gets all of the time for things like christmas and birthdays everyone should be recongnized ... otherwise you dont have to purchase for anyone. Gifts I agree are gifts and not mandatory but it is an all or none decision...for me at least.

I agree with you fine, that if you marry someone with kids, it's unfair to your parents to 'expect' them to buy gifts for everyone. My family has always bought for everyone on their own, I wouldn't think of demanding it. My stepdaughter (and my exBF's kids) all had another family that bought for them. My husband's parents do buy tons of gifts for his daughter and they have one other grandson so they only have two grandchildren. They spoil them. They do buy my kids a gift but my kids wouldn't care if they didn't. It does make a difference that they are teens. My kids do think my stepdaughter is spoiled but more because she gets a ton of things and then cries that it isn't enough or doesn't seem to appreciate it. What would happen if you demand they buy all or none so they buy none???

I also let my family know that I am marrying into this little girls life and therefore she is to be treated like family because she is family now. It isn't a problem with my family. My parents always buy her a little something because they know she has two other sets of grandparents that dote on her, but they would never leave her out.

there have been times that they have bought none... instead one year my grandma gave them all cookies she baked ... she didnt have the money .. everyone was included everyone was happy... But, then my children are young. To me it just wouldnt be right otherwise

What's the big deal with taking six kids on vacation or shopping or whatever? Although we didn't take many vacations for financial reasons, I have taken my six kids all kinds of places, even when the youngest were babies and toddlers. It's really not all that hard.

TOS - I think the difference is often the behavior of the kids... Six kids who listen to the caregiver in charge is one thing... Six kids who won't listen are entirely another... Even five kids who are listening and ONE who's not is pretty tough...
It sounds like your kids were pretty obedient when you took them out, so I can see how it wouldn't be too hard for you. But I can also see that a disrespectful kid (or three) would make it exponentially more difficult.

it is not kids fault but it is not my parents fault i marry someone with so many kids. they don't have to go broke because of my decisions. it is all hypothetical, i don't personally know anyone with more than like 3 kids.

I dont think that it is going to make grandparents go broke if I ask them to include everyone. The simple fact is they dont have to do anything for anyone if they choose not to. And, it is my home and my family and I will not allow certain kids in my home to be excluded.

mom_of_4

I don't disagree that the grandparents should buy for all kids in the family if they are going to buy for one or some. I did tell my family that I expect my step daughter be treated as family because she IS family. I didn't specifically say they had to buy presents for her at Christmas or Birthday. I don't always send a gift to all my nieces & nephews, but when I'm invited to celebrate their birthday, I go & take a gift. So, I don't expect them to remember her birthday, they don't always remember mine or my kids. and Christmas is up to them. My parents are divorced and my dad gets her the exact same thing he gets all his grandkids, a gift card. My mom gives her something, but probably not as much as what she gets her grandkids. That's up to them. I think all reasonable families should accept the kids and treat them as part of the family and not single them out and buy just for 'their' grandkids. My SD calls my dad 'grandpa'. On the other hand, her grandparents (on both sides) have only two grandkids each and she gets tons of gifts. Her mom & mom's BF got her a quad ATV for Christmas this year. We even tried to be nice & sent gifts for BM & her BF's kids. (of course it was never acknowledged)

But I do agree that step kids should not be excluded, but sometimes there's no way to avoid hard feelings and make everyone happy. When my son was younger, he'd come back and tell his brother & sister all the things his dad bought him. My kids got upset that they only got one Christmas or Birthday and he got two. I'd tell them, life isn't fair. and if my stepdaughter didn't get a gift from my parents but she gets tons from her mom & dad's parents, I'd tell her the same thing. There's a trade off for everything and the trade off for having two of everything is having to live in two different places, going back and forth and my kids got to live in one place all the time.

I don't know the reason OP's parents did not buy for her husband's kids but it was equally wrong if he retaliated by taking his kids to his parents to get gifts but none for her kids. They should be talking about this and instead of being angry, they should be dealing with their 'real' feelings, which is more likely hurt and guilt. It's just a lot easier to get angry than it is to deal with pain. Meanwhile, the kids are the ones suffering.

Okay, I know I'm rambling and there's a point in here somewhere.... I guess it just comes down to 'life isn't fair'. You can't protect kids from ever having hurt feelings. I don't think it's wrong to ask your family to treat your stepchildren as part of the family, but most of the time, they pick up on the adults feelings. If you make a big deal about them not getting a gift or not a good enough gift, they will run with it. If you say, you got (or are gonna get) lots of stuff at your other parent (grandparent) etc., then they shouldn't feel slighted. I know that's easy to say but the reality is, step kids often get more because they have two households and many times, the parents are operating out of guilt or competing to one up the other. I think OP's husband did his kids a disservice by taking them to get gifts from his parents because that encourages an attitude of 'entitlement'. That's one of the biggest problems with kids today and with the divorce rate so high, it's easy to see why so many kids feel entitled.

Anyone else notice that the OP has disappeared?

mom of 4, if I marry a man with 6-10 kids and my parents would have to buy them all gifts for birthdays and christmas (or other holiday) it would put my parents in financial jepardy. I wouldn't ask my parents for anything. if they want to buy, it is up to them. but i would feel bad for them. and if they must buy stuff for that many kids I would tell all of those multiple stepkids to buy gifts for everyone in my family including my nieces and nephews and parents etc this is my family after all, so everyone should get them gifts all the time. ha. i can see how that will fly..

tos, they are your kids, and you knew how to deal with them. OP's SKs come few times a year, SM doesn't really know them that well and yet she is required to take them places by herself. entirelly different story

ima, I understand your goal, but the net result is that one kind of kid gets presents from 2 sources, & one kind...doesn't.

If stepchildren's biological relatives aren't reciprocating in kind for gifts, activities, & cash spent, then some kids are getting the short end of the stick.

No, life isn't fair, but I'd expect a parent to do his/her best to be sure his/her child didn't get shortchanged or cheated.

This father is just being a stinker;
making an issue of gift-giving is merely a vehicle for him to blame his wife for yet one more thing.

& *nobody* should be pressured to "buy" for their child's stepchildren;
are stepchildren's grandparents buying presents for OP's children???

Children aren't dumb;
they can tell who has the power, who has the weight to throw around, & they *know* there's a difference between "life isn't always fair" & their own parent making sure that some other child gets more than they do.

Consistency is sometimes a great & reasonable thing.

I think OP bailed out a long time ago, maybe about the time the discussion turned from her situation to the politics of buying.

Her stepchildren are old enough that they can't be much work to take on vacation. By that age, it was easier to go places with my kids than without them, because there were more pseudo-adults to keep track of the little ones.

I know someone who has 4 kids under three, including a set of triplets, and she takes them places all the time, by herself. Even if they are well-behaved, that can't be easy. You do what you have to do. If you have three kids and you marry someone with three kids, you should be prepared to take 6, or 7 kids on vacation. It is not like their existence was a surprise to her.

It was easier to take all six kids one place when they were small (under 7-8). Once the younger ones got to be about that age and I also had 10-12 year olds, it changed and there was arguing, bickering, and of course some not always listening.

I did take all six kids with me to the grocery store and clothes buying all together. For the most part, they were well behaved but they had their moments that drove me crazy.

I agree, that when you have three kids and marry someone with three kids, you expect to go places with all six kids. If they live with you, it is different than if they don't. It's not fair to everyone in the house to put off vacations or activities to wait for the three kids that are living with their mom. I'm sure they aren't putting things on hold over there... they are doing things with their mom too.

I was thinking the same thing.

My gut response was like sweeby's and sylviatexas's. This guy sounds like a bully.

I have a feeling that even if there were some neat solution to every one of the problems -- gifts, trips, rooms, etc. -- nothing would change. I am guessing that he would find a way to blame, belittle, and mistreat her about something else. He sounds like a real piece of work.

I don't know if the OP is still around, but if you are, my advice to you would be to get into counseling ASAP, and I think you should go by yourself, at least at first.

Good luck.

family vacations should be taken with the entire family.. steps and all... but if it is just a simple weekend or they wouldnt be here no matter what anyways then yes take the simple trip. But, family vacations should be taken with the ENTIRE family.

And, yes you can not shield your kids from everything and I tell my kids all of the time life is not fair. I have to remind them all of the time that everyone does not get the same thing as everyone else all of the time... ie my daughter being upset when the kids have done something extra fun with their mom that she couldnt do "well havent you done fun things with your grandma (bd's mother) and the kids werent their?" yes "well then I think you should get over it and be happy for your brothers and sisters that they had a great time" Okay!! It is the same old story in reverse when she does something with g ma and when I randomly show up at home with say a Diary for my sd because she has started collecting pieces of paper with her feelings all written down (like a diary) and no one else got anything.....
BUT, that still does not change that I will make things as fair and equal as possible in my own home... and my family and parents have a choice give to all or kindly give to none. And as I said before it would break NO ONE that can afford to give any present to instead get six (or in my case four) boxes of crayons from the dollar store.

how can family vacations can be taken with the entire family if the other group of kids live somewhere else and schedules don't match?

DD's brother had different spring break than DD had, they couldn't possibly go on the same vacations!

and their summer breaks didn't match either. DD had to be back at school middle of August (IB schools run different schedules) and her brother was home until September. so how could i demand X takes them always together to vacations?

and then kids are of different age! if a younger kid wants to go to amusement park the older wanst to travel to see museums. why would you take them together? weekends outings yes, but every vacation?

divorced families cannot possibly always do everything together espcially if they live that far away!

and even not divorced families! My brother is not divorced but he does go on short vacations with older son to do some male bonding. A little girl does not enjoy fishing or boating. she does girly stuff with mom. you can't possibly demand 17-year-old and 5-year-old enjoy the same vacations all the time. at least once a year can't they go separatelly? what's the big deal???

then it is not a family vacation ... it is a trip with so and so. that was kind of my point. If it is something that you would have only taken certain people with you when they all lived in the same house then okay... if it is a trip that can only be scheduled at a certain time then great... But, dont plan a family vacation that automatically excludes the rest of the family... consider dates and times that includes everyone and if it isnt possible then plan something with the rest of the family at a different time.

My SC go on vacation every summer with BM and her H and other kids.She has a time share.This means they have to shorten their visit with DH. DH used to go with them, just to get that last week or so of visit! Now that they are older, they also go on vacation with friends. If the friend's vacation interferes with visiting DH, they don't care! Don't they have any responsibility for their relationship with DH?
Even with all the drama from SD16, I would like to take a vacation with all the kids, but it is very hard to plan ahead when we never know when the SC will be here or have to return. It also frustrates me that DH used to take time off to go on that vacation with his kids, but now claims he can't take time for ALL of us to go somewhere! My BC have never had a vacation, and it really never mattered to them. But they do feel like the SC are ungrateful, and that it is all the drama that makes DH dread going anywhere.
The first year we were married, DH planned on:
1. Having BM's other kids stay here when the SC came.(So,9 kids total, from 5-16 yrs old.)I guess to let BM have a break, or to kill me, or both?!
2. Having all of us go to XW's time share.
Ummmm, no thanks.
Even if I wanted to do that, BM's crazed behavior killed those ideas!
Dh and I do take an overnighter for our anniversary-Before his kids come here.

so if DD was unavailable during particular school break, X had to deny his son vacation? So X, his wife and their son had to stay home because DD could not join them during spring break for example? How ridicilous is that? I haven't heard anything like that in my entire life. Dates and times that include everyone? always? every time family goes on vacations?

what if everyone lives far away and cannot be go on vacations all at the same time, so should other people be denied vacations? I must be the nicest exwife ever because i would never expect X to not take his family on vacation if DD cannot go.

what if i go on vacation with DD at the same time as X wants to go with his family? should X cancel his vacation with his family and sit around because I happened to take DD on vacation?

unreasonable unrealistic expectations. unless everyone lives in the same household, it is not physically possible to always include everyone in everything.

Stepping outside the stepfamily box for a moment...
I'm the youngest by 8 years. So when we went on vacation when I was 6 (just a week camping at a northern lake), my siblings all had at least part time jobs in the summer. They couldn't go, because they had to work. So my parents arranged a week at the lake with some family friends who had kids my age.
That vacation only included 1/4 of their children, but I don't think my siblings begrudged that they didn't "get" to spend a week in a tent with no TV or showers and three little girls between 6 and 8 years old! I had an awesome time, but I know my 16 year old brother would have been mad that he was torn away from his girlfriend and his TV for a whole week!

There were also times that my parents took just my sister or just my brothers somewhere for a weekend without the other kids (GM and GP stayed with us while Mom and Dad were gone) and it didn't cause any strife. It's just important to try to keep it somewhat equal.

(PS - FD, I'm with you on this one. Sometimes it's not practical to include everyone.)

Ceph,

But then, as mom_of_4 said, it is not a "family" vacation. If you hadn't been a lot younger than your siblings, say you'd all been between 8 and 14, and your parents took only some of you to Disneyworld, would that have been ok with the ones left behind?

The point though is that when kids aren't all in the same age group or geographic location or school schedule, it can become impractical to take them all on one vacation.
If you want to call it a "family vacation", you should take all the kids, yes. But I see nothing wrong with taking some kids some places and other kids others - provided one child (or group of children) isn't specifically being excluded from all the vacations.

Sure, if we had all been between 8 and 14, it would have been rude of our parents to only take some of us... But since you seem so worried about it being fair - what if one kid was TERRIFIED of rides and mascots but loved camping, while the other three HATED camping, but were pumped to go to Disneyland? Is it fair that three get the vacation of a lifetime and one is miserable? What if the first kid said "Mom, can I stay home with GM this week while you guys to go Disneyland, and then you and I can go camping for a weekend?" Would that be fair? If not, who is it unfair to, and why?

How about my family? My Dad and SM mentioned to her two youngest daughters that they were planning on going to Spain. The girls (~23 and 28 at the time) decided to save up and go with them. About a month before they left, Dad and SM told me and my sister that they were going and asked if we would like to come too. When we said "No, we can't afford it" they said "SM's girls have been saving for like 7 months" and appeared genuinely confused that we hadn't been saving for a trip they forgot to tell us about. I was mildly annoyed that they told her girls months before they told us, but I also know that this was not intentional.
They buy stuff for her girls all the time, but not for any of us. However, we don't ask for much, and they do. I don't consider this a slight on my parents' part, I consider this as me not being greedy like my stepsisters. Under your theories of how SMs shouldn't have any say in their SCs' lives, but be required to be equal between all kids all the time, my dad and SM should be buying me crap all the time!
I say that's a load of horsehooey.

Assuming they pool their money, yes, I think that they shouldn't be buying her daughters a lot more stuff than they buy you and your siblings. You don't have to balance every single purchase, or take a child to Disneyworld who doesn't want to go, but to consistently ignore some children while lavishing time, money, gifts, or trips on others is clearly wrong.

ceph,
my parents helped me with the car and sometimes with other stuff in times of need (also with babysitting). My brother always made a lot of money compare to me. I got divorced young and at times did not make enough money, went to school etc. My parents gave me their car when they bought a new one etc. I never asked, but they did it. They never did any of that for my brother (I mean in our adult age) simply because there was no need. If he would struggle they would help just as much. But it is not equal, just because of the circumstances. I doubt my brother is bitter about it.

My BF buys stuff and gives money to my DD (for ocassion, not out of a blue). I do not give money to SDs. First of all DD is in college. BF makes considerably more than I do and his older DD makes more money than I do (plus sucks money out of her parents for silly stuff)so for me to give her money would be ridicilous. Plus he gives so much to younger SD that I can't compete. lol My DD lives very frugally and modestly and neither I nor my X lavish her with extra money, so when BF gives her something nobody says "no". On the other hand if we would be married and pull our finaces together i would probably feel bad because he lavishes both SDs with unreasonable unneccesary luxuries just because they ask for it nonstop. I would feel bad if my DD wouldn't get the same. DD only asks for neccessary stuff though...