who has custody and how often do you have the kids? it is a big difference if you have them full time or just once in awhile.

and NO it is never OK to spank a child. even light spanking can cause spinal nerve damage and it teaches the kids that whoever has more physicial power wins. Wrong message.

"and NO it is never OK to spank a child. even light spanking can cause spinal nerve damage"

wow take it to an extreme fine. My folks, and all those in previous generations tanned their butts more than not and we all turned out just fine. I'd like to see the study on light spanking and spinal nerve damage if you have one.

gilmanda - be patient! I have five boys and I can tell you at 3 listening to bio parents is sometimes a hassle let alone step/daycare teacher/etc..she's still little so be patient and do not expect perfection. You don't need to be 'in control' for respect. If she throws a fit, put her in her room, tell her she can come out when she's done 'fitting'. If she doesn't listen refer to Dad. As much as you may not 'agree' with BM's parenting style if she's the custodial parent you have to respect her opinion. What is the custody status btw?

Try being positive. Reward her and praise her when she does listen to you. Make a big deal out of it! Hopefully she will like the positive attention so much she will want to listen more.

As for temper tantrums, I would send the child to their room (or at least in another room) till they are done. If they need to yell and jump around to make themself feel better there is no reason why you need to watch. (if you start hearing items flying or walls being punched you may have to step in further)

My ss had a huge tantrum issue. I would tell him to go throw his fit in his room and come out when he is done. There were times where I had to carry him to his room to get him to go, but he got the point. There were times when he was so stubborn he would cry himself to sleep in his room throwing a tantrum....wonder who won in those instances!

His tantrum had no effect when nobody was there to watch it! Eventually the tantrums lessened and rarely occur anymore.

sieryn we had lengthy discussions on stepfamily forum about physical punishment and I already said hundred different things, i don't want to go into that again. I completely oppose any physical punishment but it is no point to argue about it. i accept that others think otherwise and have different life experiences.

yes but its ridiculous to tell OP a swat on the butt will cause spinal injury - unless she's hitting the poor child with a golf club which I highly doubt.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin5.htm

syerin, this is not a religious info, this website has links to scientific research done on effects of spanking. i can find more but have no time right now. If you want more I will find more evidence how bad is spanking. i do not remember where I have heart about spinal nerve, but there is a lot of research about emotional effect of spanking. Once again i don't care to argue about it because others have their rights to think otherwise.

Even if you believe that spanking is ok, you should never spank someone else's child.

I am not saying I condone spanking, but I am saying that if you raise someone else's child you have the right to discipline them. Now if your an EOW stepparent that is different. But, if your a custodial stepparent who has the children each day (while their bm maybe sees them a few weeks a year-if that) then you have the right to discipline. I discipline my skids the same as I discipline my own child.

I don't know if OP hits the child. I said spanking can cause nerve damage in general, not to her SD. I don't know about hitting with the golf club-this can probably kill, i was talking about spanking in general.

I think all spanking does is teach a child that violence is a way to solve problems. Yes you will likely get them to obey you. For a while.

OKAAAYYYY - enough. Back to the true matter at hand here or I'M going to have nerve damage.

"Do you think I should try to be more in control with my stepdaughter so she will respect me or am I doing what I should be doing? "

I dont think anyone gains respect by control. I think being respected does make it easier to get chidlren, or anyone else for that matter, to do what you want. I would suggest counseling. I dont think its possbile to understand all the dynamics here.

the poor kid in question is only 3. do you think she needs counseling? lol or you meant mom and dad? or stepmom? or all of them?

She's three! 3 year olds don't need counseling. I have yet to see 1 three year old that fully listens and doesn't throw tantrums. All this situation needs is patience, and consistent discipline.

"I discipline my skids the same as I discipline my own child."

Ditto.

I think SM. AS to anyone who says that they treat SKids the same as children, I have real doubts about that. As I have said before a person can not even the notice the difference in his/her own facial expression, tone of voice, etc. The child might. OP doesnt have her own children. So many variables here. I can accept that OP is tryng to be good and helpful, maybe a parenting coach could help. And when a parent focuses on trying to get control, rather than trying to help a child develope self-control (yes, even for a 3 yr old), I think that is the harbinger of greater problems.

"AS to anyone who says that they treat SKids the same as children, I have real doubts about that."

You know KK, until you have walked in someone's shoes it is pretty ignorant to presume to know what they do or do not do. I have plenty of doubts about plenty of people - yourself included - yet I don't feel the need to step all over that person. Until you have lived in my, and every other blended home to experience how we treat all our children it would be nice if you could refrain from making these one sided, fact lacking, judgmental statements.