Its been months since I posted but I find myself struggling with issues that the long distance may have started but I just don't know what to do now! Upon my arrival it was apparent that he had fundamentally changed in his feelings towards our marriage and so his attitude towards me has been extremely hurtful. Its long so please bear with me as I really need help. Just before I came back he told me he had only 1 hour online access at work and no access at his Moms, and he blamed this as the reason he didn't respond to my messages and emails, but as soon as I arrived at his Moms he said 'you can go online and tell the kids your here safe' I asked him why he had told me he didn't have internet at home and he flew off the handle denying ever having said any such thing! I logged onto our yahoo account as it is more reliable in the middle east, he has never been tidy with the yahoo account so it was overloaded with old emails spam and the conversation list was pages long. I started to delete and generally tidy up the account when I noticed that he had over 30 emails from a woman I didn't know, I opened a few of them and they were love/friendship poems and pretty gif art featuring hearts and romantic settings. I don't know why I did it but I forwarded a few of them to another account. after an hour or so he came over with a coffee and nearly dropped it when he saw I was using the yahoo account instead of my msn. neither of us said anything. Later the same day I logged on again and All OF HER EMAILS HAD BEEN DELETED nothing else just those and she was no longer in his contact list!! rightly or wrongly I said nothing for a number of weeks as I didn't want to put even more pressure on what was looking more and more like a marriage he no longer wanted. Over the next few weeks he was so changeable he would either be emotionally shut down towards me or very loving, he became very negative about our years together saying it was a mistake for us to ever be together then he would say things like your different I think we can make this work only to change his mind again a few hours later. He started asking strange questions like 'do you think I will marry again?' or 'what should I do if someone else fell in love with you?' what kind of questions are those to ask your wife???!! I still tried to stay calm and would answer things like that by saying ' I'm not sure I understand what your asking, why would you be thinking of getting married again? I'm here with you" but no matter what I did he would become frustrated with me. One evening he was particularly hurtful and I tried to reason with him but eventually we ended up in a terrible row and I let him know that I knew about the woman at work and had seen all the emails before he deleted them. He told me I was crazy he had never received such emails and certainly never deleted them!! He was visibly shocked when I told him I still had copies and that I knew her name her facebook account and so I also had a photo of her. (where we live adultery carries the death penalty) and I keep wondering if this was not the case he may have been honest about this emotional affair I don't think it went further than sharing a private office together but I cant be certain as he will not speak of it. He then later said he should be allowed to do what he wants as I used to have a work friend that called me a lot. the guy was gay and proud of it and I always took calls from him in front of my husband. His family have all been very different towards me and I have since learned that just before I came back he talked openly about me not coming back and 'moving on' they of course all said what he wanted to hear at the time things like: you should have children of your own/ you need a Persian wife/ it was never meant to be etc etc. and now they seem embarrassed to be around me unlike when I used to live here and they came to us every week for a get together. His mother was very very rude to me throwing things at me and when she realized we were moving into our own home again she kept saying things like you can go but he owes me his life he has to stay/ she would make hurtful comments like 'he wants his own children and a new wife' my husband never told her off for any of this not even when she threw things at me and so it got to the point when we did move out that I asked him to have no contact for a while as I belived she was not good for our marriage. of course the first opportunity he got he went to her and this caused me such emotional termoil, when he came back he could tell I was unhappy and he just kept saying 'I can leave if you want' or an hour or so later ' I think you want me to leave' I ignored it for as long as I could and after a drink or 5! I finally snapped and said yes just go back to your Mom! and so he quickly packed and did!! I immediately felt that I had blwn it so I called him and said I was sorry for getting so angry, he got his brother to call me from USA to tell me to leave the country as my husband was never coming back and didn't want to see me!! My husband texted me the next day saying he felt he couldn't come home but didn't want to go to his Moms I told him to come home and we would see what we could work out. After work he came home but was very very cruel and said things I never thought I would hear from him, and in the middle of saying such things he would look at me and say 'I could never have said these things before as I know it hurts you' but it was as if he was enjoying hurting me. later the same night he started having sex with me but he was very drunk and he forced me to have anal sex which was so very painful!!afterwards he just said 'go shower' and then went to sleep. I cried all night and all the next day I tried to make a joke of it! I know that sounds stupid but I didn't know how to deal with it. I blamed myself as throughout our marriage he has 'tried' but it has always been too painful for me and so he has always stopped. But I feel that because I've always been willing to try maybe he thought it was OK or I tell myself he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing...but he was sober enough to tell me to wash. If Im honest my gut feeling was that his cruel words before and this forced sex act were a punishment!! He wanted to hurt me??? This was 2 months ago and we are still together, he still is very loving towards me but then doesn't want to be with me, he will often just come home get drunk or stoned and go straight to sleep, but other nights he is lovely to me. If I upset him at all he repeats things like I will only stay if Im happy./ I want a perfect marriage/ if I get to 40 and this is no good then I have no kids of my own etc etc I never promised to stay with you forever!! But then the next day he will say things like 'please don't leave me/ your amazing/ I love you/ I adore you !!!!!! Please help me I dont know which husband to belive? I feel truly suicidal at times Im so confused.

In my defense... shiver, I don't think you ever said your husband didn't want to stay with you until after my last post. I was reading that you 'thought' he was bailing on you, and not living up to your expectations because of him lowering his job situation and your perceived future financial problems because of it. I was reading that you thought that in and of itself was bailing on you, I didn't. I read that 'you' were letting him go.. not that he was running away. Sorry. Obviously, if he's totally leaving you there's no decision to make on your part and your post becomes one of feeling sorry for your situation and not really offering much advice about him. I do feel sorry because now you may have no insurance, no income at all, and no home whatsoever -- or you'll have to split what little there is. So... Sorry... your husband totally bailed on you and left you high and dry when you were sick. He is a complete a-hole. There... make you feel better? I now pretty much dislike your husband too. Although, I suspect you may be stretching your story a bit. I'm not sure he left you high and dry. I think he maybe he just didn't do things on your terms, you made mountains out of molehills, and maybe even gave ultimatums, etc. Only you know, and I am sorry if he totally left on his own accord. But I think there's a chance he's not totally gone and I urge you to reconsider if that is the case. If, I'm wrong.. I'm not really hurting anyone (except maybe finedreams, who may at this time be having a heart attack or at least a severe spike in blood pressure). shiver, don't forget I work with the chronically ill. Despite what you think, I really am enjoying it and find it very fulfilling. I see the phases, the denials, the anger, the blame games they play, the acceptance, etc.. Just because I don't agree with you or say things you want to hear doesn't mean I don't know what you are going through. I think you want to be right. I think you want to say you're going to be starving in the street; I think you want to say you're husband is a bad guy and you're going to do what you can to make it come true. You're a victim and you're playing the part wonderfully. Hopefully, you will realize you are doing this and come around to see that playing the victim will generally only victimize and hurt you more. I know you're sick; I know it's not fair; I know you did nothing wrong to deserve this, and I know how sad, desperate and alone you feel - on top of being sick. Two things can happen... you can either dig yourself deeper into a depression or you can hopefully with time and help come out of this phase. Again, I could recommend some books and I do urge you to talk to your support group, and your doctor or a counselor. Sadly, even if you weren't depressed before, I'm pretty sure with your husband leaving (either on his own accord or with your strong push), you will be. It's hard enough to take on a serious chronic illness by itself. I really do understand what you are going through... and shiver, I'm not trying to attack your character... just trying to make you realize some stuff... I am trying to help you. I can not stress to you enough how much I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH! You're not alone. I just don't want you to make wrong decisions when you're not in the right mind set. Good luck. I sincerely hope you find some peace and come to terms as well as anyone could that has to deal with what your dealing with. Believe it or not sickness can bring about some benefits. Little things are recognized and appreciated more, you find out who you friends really are (and they will be the good people), you'll find money is not really all that important, and you may just have, and take, the time to stop and smell the roses. Here's my quote for the day: A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses. (I read this almost every day and have gain great inspiration from it). Find your silver lining... Again, good luck to you.

This is easier for an outsider to see, but the real problem here is not yours or your husband's. Your SD and her husband are adults, I'm assuming that with a 15 year old, they're at least in their 30's. They are irresponsible with money and their choices and they need to be made accountable. As parent/step parent, you and your husband are responsible for giving her advice, helping out with babysitting occasionally and perhaps an occasional check for something important that would help them get back on track. You're not responsible for all of their needs and a couple that old with 2 kids and one on the way should be in their own place or they shouldn't be having more kids. If your husband doesn't get that, then he needs to make a choice. You should be his first priority at this stage of life.

In the beginning she did want him back, now (10yrs later) I think she just wants to cause trouble whenever and where ever she can. She has become a bitter man hating woman. She is always running men down and talking about how sorry they all are. I have really let go of the anger I feel towards her and mostly pity her. But it has all started up again with my SD's opinion. I think what bothers me most is my sister has told me for 10 years that blood is thicker than water and that my SD would eventually turn on me for her biomom. I swore that this would never happen because I would never ask her to take sides. But I forgot a very important part of the equation - THE EX/BIOMOM. Even though I didn't force her to choose - the biomom did. And I really don't talk to anyone about it because it hurts so much, because my hubby is tired of hearing, my family is full of ""I told you so's...". I am not leting it affect my life as much as you would think. But my SD will do things like call my biodaughter and ask if I am home and tell my biodaughter to call her when I am not there because she wants to come see her. (they are close - and I encourage my biodaughter to continue that sister relationship. I am trying to keep this as low impact as possible....) For example: If I ask SD when she plans to enroll in college she says I am implying she is wasting her life. But if I don't ask her they she says I don't take any interest in her like I do my own daughter. So either way - I can't please her. I guess it's because she is just hunting a reason to be mad at me. Once she told her dad that she doesn't come over because I won't make my 11year old son treat her like an adult. Her and my 11 year old have been siblings in the same household since he was 9 months old. He can't remember not knowing her... He looks at her like his biosister.... So when he jokes with her or acts like a typical little brother she claims because he is 11 and she is 20 now that he should address her like an adult. She wants to be treated like an adult but she still comes over to our house and acts like a child. When she came over and had dinner with us a couple of months ago I ask her to put her dirty dinner dishes in the dish washer. WE ALL DO THAT and ALWAYS HAVE. It's a rule in our house. I wasn't asking her to clean up from dinner - simply load her dirty dishes... She had a fit because she said that I was treating her like a child and bossing her. I load my dishes and so does my husband and the other three children. It is just stuff like that with her... Every time we interact it is drama. Sometimes I leave thinking "Ok, that went well. Nothing could be misconstrued tomorrow. That was a pleasant day/dinner/event." THE VERY NEXT DAY she is telling her dad or my biodaughter something I did that hurt her feelings and saying that is the reason she hates me. My biodaughter is torn because she grew up with my SD but she has strong loyalty to me and knows I am not doing these things... I just tell my biodaughter to stay out of it and ignore it as best she can. I don't want to drive a wedge between all of us if it can be avoided. And part of me holds on to the hope that she will wake up one day and realize what a hateful, bitter person she has become.