Just because your mom hasn't told him doesn't necessarily mean that she is condoning his racist behavior. It is possible to love someone, but not share all their views.

My father is quite racist, as is my grandmother and probably his entire side of the family. My children are still young, but if one ever does date outside her race, I would be quite reluctant to tell my father about it, and he's not even a SO. We had a birthday party for our youngest, and one of my DH's cousins has mixed children. Before the party I felt I had to approach my dad and tell him to behave as there were going to be some people of different races at the party.

I'm certain that your mother will tell SO before you bring BF over for a visit, but I can understand why she might not want to hear his comments on it when it really isn't an issue for him yet. I think the fact that she hasn't told him yet probably has a lot to do with the fact that she doesn't share his views and probably doesn't want to listen to his racist comments in regard to your boyfriend.

Let it go. Your mom knows. SO will deal with it when the time comes, and I'm sure all will work out just fine.

You will probably think I am a racist or atleast bigotted by my comments but here goes .. you can tell me to GFM its just my opinion....

She hasn't said anything to her SO thinking you are in a relationship and yes you may continue this relationship ending in a marriage or you may not ... either way she will deal with it as it happens ... why tell her SO then have to listen to him and his rants for however long ...

Lets say ok she tells him then she has to listen to him rant 6 months later you and BF break up ... does he stop ranting? NO so what was the point of telling him before the time it is really needed.

Lets say ok she tells him and a 6 months later you decide to marry ... does he stop ranting? NO so she thinks what was the point of telling him 6 months ago nothing is going to change this man's opinion.

She may not be racist but look at it from her point you have children they will be bi-racial will they be welcome in her home? will they suffer while visiting her? will you let them visit her? is she doing this to get back at me because my SO is such a jerk to her?

I used to have a friend whose husband was very bigotted he used to drive me nutz made me ill just listening to him to talk .... his sister met and married a black man nicest guy. My friends husband could not stand him because he was black but then they had children and he loved his nephews more than he "hated" black people ... did he still hate others yes but not his immediate family ... so I guess people can change if they want to.

She'll tell him when the time is right ... as you said by his remarks when you were on the phone he doesn't even know your bf nevermind his race and is already being an ass...

I understand how you feel. I guess my situation is even worse than yours...DD is homosexual and didn't come out to anyone in the family besides me. She is terrified to come out to them. Some people in the family are very conservative, some are not, my dad can be pretty prejudious.

She is in a realtionship for the last 8 months, more so they live together. But since they are college students who all rent one house (5 people) she can kind of hide it from a family that she and GF live together.

Family members started asking me if DD is dating. She is 20, it is getting harder for me to answer "no". I feel like I live a lie, like I lie to my own mother. DD is not ready to tell no one, she is scared.

She is in college so far away that nobody besides me goes to visit, she comes here for breaks so it easy for her to keep it a secret. She is terrified that epople might want to go visit, it would be hard to conceal it.

She tells me I don't really lie because when people ask if she has a BF and I say "no" I don't really lie. She asked me if i have any idea how to help her to come out, what to say and how. I have no clue. I don't know what and how to do about it.

I cannot tell her to come out because I myself am mortified of people's reaction. I told no one in the whole world besides my therapist and on this board.

oh I understand why she hasnt told him (no pseudo I dont think your comments sound bigoted just reflect reality) and like I said, rationally I get theres not any reason why its necessary at this point. but on a gut level it just doesnt sit right with me. people hide things that are shameful, right?, not things theyre proud of, so it makes me feel as if, by "hiding" my relationship Im "agreeing" that Im doing something shameful, or maybe by "hiding" BF, it seems like saying Im ashamed of him not proud of him feelings not logic, I know but it just feels wrong

and actually I think simply by choosing him as a partner shes condoning his beliefs, no you dont always agree with people you love, but when you choose a partner you are saying (i would hope, anyway) there is nothing intolerable about this persons character-- so if you choose a bigot, then you are saying bigotry is at least tolerable-- if I "aid and abet" the whole situation by lying or allowing her to lie on my behalf, does that mean Im tolerating it also? maybe not, but it "feels" like it it feels like a betrayal both to BF and to my own morals (yes I think racism is immoral)

fine, wish I had some words of wisdom for you, at least for me I dont have any worries what the rest of my family will think (some know, some dont, just by whatevers come up in conversationwhat does he look like, for example) and I honestly dont give a hoot what dude thinks or doesnt think except how it affects my relationship with my mom. so that definitely makes it easier. Actually, now that I think of it, maybe that does translate into a couple words of possible wisdom--- knowing I will absolutely have support of the rest of my family makes whatever might happen with mom and dude less worrisome If you have some family who are not so conservative (and can be trusted to keep a confidence) are any of the less conservative ones particularly close to you or dd? maybe dd can tell one of them first get some support first before having to deal with the ones who will be more judgmental?

Not that this is any of my business (and maybe you dont even know), but does DDs GF know that DD hasnt told most of her family about GF? If so, is she (GF) ok with it?

quirk, DD's GF is in the same situation as DD. i doubt she is "out" either. the problem here is not in telling about having a GF or a BF but actually "coming out" so to speak. they are young and it might not be important enough to tell everyone that they are dating, so this is not what concerns me. actually telling people about her sexual orientation, that what is the main issue.

quirk, good advice, i was thinking of DD telling her uncle, (my brother) wife first. he and my SIL are liberal and not judgemental and would be supportive. great advice, i will actually let her know. i also wonder if my nephew, my brother's son, (18) already knows because they are very close with my DD and email each other every day. I wonder if he might know or at least guess...

On the other note...My BF's older DD just got engaged and brought him to the family the first time (she lives far away). she never told my BF about fiancee's race. When she and fiancee walked in, BF almost fell. the guys is of a different race, but nobody knew. BF absolutelly does not care about race or religion or ethnicity, but he would appreciate if she would tell ahead of time because it probably showed on his face (surprise) when the guy walked in...even if it makes no difference, it makes sense to know the basics..Because BF actually asked questions about the guy many times and race never came about. maybe she was afarid to tell but BF does not care about that stuff!

Why dont you have a picture taken of you and your boyfriend, and send it to the family in a nice frame. That way, its out in the open, without anyone ever having to actually mention it, and your mom's SO can handle it before being surprised by it when you actually show up.

Its possible your mom is avoiding the topic because she knows he will be a dick about it, and she doesnt want the problem. Guys who are that bigotted often are difficult to live with in other ways.

"People hide things that are shameful, right?"

Sort of -- But perhaps more accurately, people refrain from mentioning things they know will upset people they care about or make them uncomfortable. There's certainly nothing shameful about mixed-race dating or about being gay or having a gay daughter. But to mention it without reason to people who will only be made uncomfortable by it and perhaps think negative thoughts -- What's the point?

there is certainly nothing shameful. revealing something what might upset or anger somebody else is often a hard decision because it forces you to choose. if let's say having a boyfriend of a different race will upset your mother, you are forced to choose between your mother and your boyfriend and your principles. as about having gay children: unless they came out we have no business to "out" them. It is unacceptable to reveal people's sexual orientation if they want you to keep it secret. I am not ashamed but I have to hide or withhold the truth until she is "out". knowing my DD it won't take too long. But sometimes people wait to come out until late 20s when lying becomes unbearable. DD says that it does not look ridiclous that she is not dating at 20 (bunch of college students don't) but at 25 it will look weird and it would be ridicilous to lie. I guess people will guess sooner or later even if she says nothing...

great idea about picture kathline! quirk, just email one as to share your vacation or a trip like a matter of fact, then they can see how he looks and be prepared. oh my why do people have to worry what everybody thinks! isn't it annoying????