Keeping dress clothes at your house? Sure - Those are not the kind of things that kids use everyday and would normally take back and forth. If BioMom were taking the kids to a wedding and asked you to send something nice for them to wear, would you send them?

But withholding everyday items IS petty. IMO, if it belongs to the child, it belongs to the child, and the child should get to determine its use and place of residence.

My Ex did the same thing - STILL DOES. How's this one: DS is now 17 and a nice, responsible young man with good grades and a busy academic and activities schedule. So Ex 'gives' DS his old car. Now 'gives' is kind of a fuzzy term with Ex. I can understand not making the 'gift' legal for insurance purposes, or not making it 'a gift' at all - saying "You may drive my car." (But then, how much 'Good Guy' credit do you get for that?) But Ex, StepMom and DS all call the car DS's, and DS can drive it anywhere he needs, anytime he needs to -- with the exception that the car can not spend the night at my house when DS does. He has to park it back at Dad's and walk (or get a ride) the three blocks to my house. After school? - OK. Annoying, but livable. But after Prom? After dates on Saturday nights? Come on!

A passerby!
My feelins is hurt!

Unless she's an independent broker, her broker gets part of her earnings.

Some offices operate under a "rent a desk" plan, where the agent pays a flat fee each month, & some have a program where the agent pays a certain percentage until the broker has received a certain amount each year, then the agent gets the entire fee for the remainder of the year.

That sounds more complicated than it is...

Say you're a new agent, & so you're under a 50/50 split (more experienced, productive agents can negotiate a more favorable split).

If you sell a home listed by another agent, or if another agent sells your listing, your "side" is typically half the fee.

so if it's a $100,000 sale, & the total fee is 6%, each "side" gets 3%, which is then divided according to the agent's contract with her broker.

If she's a newbie on a 50/50, she gets $1500.
If she's an experienced agent on a 75/25, she gets $2250.
If she's on a 100%/rent a desk program, she gets $3000.
If she's on a split until the broker has made, say, $18,000 during the calendar year, & it's April, she'll get whatever her split is.
In December, she'd likely get the entire fee.

From her commissions, though, she has to pay her Realtor Association dues, which usually include National & state fees, MLS & SuperKey fees (here they're about $100 a quarter), her license expenses (a broker's license in Texas, for instance, costs $500 every other year), franchise fees, which are often annual *and* monthly, errors & omissions insurance, maybe her signage & advertising, & increased car insurance premiums.

If she is an independent broker, she also has office rent & all the expenses associated with maintaining a storefront;
clerical help, utilities, computer/printer/copier expenses, etc.

but I don't think this has anything to do with the shoes staying at her house;
I think the shoes staying at her house are a reaction to the dressy dresses staying at your house.

& if she's low on money (& Realtors sometimes do run on empty between closings), she may be able to eke a token gift like shoes out of her scanty funds although she can't make a dent in child support.

don't know that that's the situation, but it might be.

That does sound petty, unless X is afraid that son will say he is at your house when he is out with friends. And he sounds like a great kid, but these things happen. But unless that is the problem, it does sound spiteful.

PS, my insurance man says never put car in childs name, even if they have exclusive use.

Last time we went to visit the in-laws, SD's mom packed her a weekend bag. She usually does, even though I always pack one too...just in case.

Anyway, I told the girls to put their dirty clothes in a trash bag, not back in their suitcases with any clean clothes, and SD threw a fit...."My mom said that I am to bring all of this stuff back home, that you ruin it when you wash it!!"

What?

Well, we let SD take back and forth whatever she wants (except any toys that were bought for all the kids to use as a group). We buy her clothes each season, and if she takes them all to her mom's, so be it. She knows she is to be responsible about bringing back anything she needs.

The summer when we first got married, SD kept coming over in flipflops, and we'd go places where she needed sneakers. I bet DH bought her 5 pairs of sneakers that summer before he decided enough is enough. He just told her, "Take them if you please, but I will not be buying you another pair, so bring them back because you'll need them." After a few times of not being able to go biking or hiking, whatever, she remembered to bring a pair of sneakers over.

Sometimes bigger problems (i.e. control, resentment, etc.) manifest themselves in something as petty as a pair of shoes.

Poor kid has a car but doesn't ... atleast he can drop his date off then walk to your house I guess your son should "feel lucky" dad lets him use it on days he ending at your house... that's petty.

The dress up clothes ... were for whatevers pictures weddings funerals etc. just to have something that wasn't stained or missing.

Sorry Sylvia you are definately not a passerby :) .... none of us really mention "what we do" ... except me I do nothing (hehehe)

She is a broker but is affiliated with an office no desk fees are far as I know... (she hasn't complained about them)

She has been doing this for years was her full-time job till beginning of last year folded her business and went with another company ...

All of her "annual fees/dues" were paid in January by and unnamed benefactor.

Thinking she does the 75/25 split....she is ordered to give hubby 17% of her earnings from real estate but she hasn't had an official closing since Dec 2006. Her ex BF sold a couple homes that were once listed with her but somehow they were his listed properties when they sold.

Is there a set time frame ... from "under agreement to "closing" ... ???

Her employer (RE company) was notified long ago about back support so who knows if they will remember to pay the DOR before her since it has been over a year.

She will not be a happy camper if they take all over her commission for back support ... she might finally catch up... between that and her tax refund she might just break even.

We do alot of the "this stays here you cant take it to moms" and "this stays at moms you cant take it to dads". It really started when things started to get nasty... I think it was mostly petty on the part of mom and then dad got angry and started the same thing... Now, it is just a matter of we dont have the money to keep replacing the things that go over there and never come back or come back broken. I had a long talk with the kids because I am really tired of this nonsense but until they step up and become responsible for their own things then there really isnt much else we can do. This subject came up again because one of the boys skateboards got broke at moms house, so they wanted to take the skateboard at our house over there (the brand new one we just bought)... I finally told them look if you want to take things back and forth to moms and dads that is fine but first you need to show me you can be responsible that means when you know you are going to be coming over here you need to pack a bag the night before and make sure you have things like the homework you need to work on and your cleats if you have practice or something. When you start showing me that you can be responsible for things like that you can take whatever you want back and forth but until then..sorry charlie....

We have even done the same with shoes... to be honest. We just bought brand new shoes for all of the kids... the new ones got to go home so they could where them to school.. the olders ones are now the stay at our house shoes. No matter what we ask mom to send us... For instance please make sure you send the kids with sneakers we are going to be doing a lot of walking this weekend... they will inevitably all come in flip flops or dress shoes... or please send enough clothes for spring break ... she sends turtle necks and pants for spring break and we live in Florida... there are only about two days a year you need turtle necks and they are not during spring break. I think she does it on purpose but whatever.. now we keep what we have so we dont have to play that game.

I don't really think it was about the shoes ... for me anyway ... it was doing something for them and mom had already done it ... only because ... she hasn't in 3 years really bought them anything that we are aware of like shoes or clothes or whatever ...

Guessing like oh_my said underlying issues ... jealousy on my part of doing something nice for them and mom spoiling it... although its not a pissing contest they needed summer shoes ...

My feelings are a little hurt too... I said something to my SD9 about having 2 weeks with mom during the summer and she said "you only want to get rid of us" ... I said no thats not true ... I think its great you get to spend that much time with mom.... I was dying to say mom wanted you this week and then only one week in summer but daddy told her not the whole week half the week wed to sun and she said no ... they can't agree on anything ...

hubby had taken a few days off this week but another guy out emergency surgery so he was called in ...

For the last month or so she had called every day or atleast every other day guessing she was buttering me up to get april vacation week and 1 summer week rather than 2 weeks in the summer, so when hubby said no 2 weeks ago the phone calls stopped ..... hindsight:)

The contract of sale includes a closing date;
if the sale doesn't close by that date, buyer & seller can extend the date or terminate the contract.

I agree that BM telling SD that the shoes have to stay at her house (unless they were REALLY expensive dressy shoes for a specific occasion, like the dress you mentioned) was probably her petty and misconstruing response to hearing about the dress staying at your house. And I agree that too much talk/emphasis on "who pays for what" in front of the child could very well have the effect you're talking about where the kid is torn and then nickel-and-dimes everything!

The only things I'd think of doing in your situation are:
-next time you see or talk to SD make a point of working the dress into conversation so that you can clarify to her that the only reasons THAT dress is staying permanently at your house is so it can stay protected from damage, wrinkles involved in packing/travelling (NOT that BM couldn't be trusted to keep it clean/protected, but the TRAVEL takes its toll...); also to save BM time/hassle packing it up; save room in SD's suitcase, and so you have a pretty little reminder there of SD when she's not around (awwwwww).

-Preferably, say all of this simultaneously to BM. Especially if you don't know if SD will relay the message right, it wouldn't hurt to find some way of mentioning it in conversation with BM (if you don't talk to her much, have DH say it). Not with any edge or like you're offended... act like SD never said a thing about the shoes and like your casual comment about SD's dress is a totally independent thing. Like "oh, by the way, that dress of SD's is still here... we were wondering if you'd rather it be kept over there?... I figured, though, that it would save you time and trouble packing it if it just stayed here... but let me know what you decide..." That way it's on ***BM*** to tell you DIRECTLY if she has some issue about that dress staying where it is. If she doesn't tell you she wants it in her house, she has missed her opportunity to say something about it like an adult, and she shouldn't be counting on you to be a mind-reader or take any veiled hints.

-Meanwhile, I would just keep reassuring SD how much you & DH love having her there, avoid falling into any petty games, and be a model of classier and more unconditionally welcoming behavior. Eventually, SD will cease feeling like she has to be hyper-vigilant just because BM is; she'll eventually form her own opinions and question why BM has to make a tit-for-tat game out of such things when there clearly isn't any real problem...

ehh been there done that ... yes it is a little petty to feel that jealousy but I think we have all felt it for at least a moment...

When my son was seeing his dad, I lost tons of things because I refused to send my son back in the shabby clothes he'd outgrown. I'd send him in brand new clothes and usually I never saw them again. (They probably had a yard sale with all the new clothes I sent him) Once, he came back with his brand new Levi's, all splotched with bleach. It was an 'accident' but it was funny how I got THOSE ones back. But, I refused to stoop to their level and then his dad stopped seeing him altogether, so it wasn't an issue anymore.

Fast forward to when I was dating my husband. He would send his daughter in the worst outfit she had. (It was still better than anything my son ever showed up in) but she wasn't allowed to wear her 'good' clothes over there because her mom would send her back in torn up, too small clothes. I told him he's being silly and maybe her mom couldn't buy her new clothes and she was wearing them to school on her weeks. I wouldn't send my child in the worst clothes (to school) and have people thinking that's how I dress my kid. I went out and bought her four or five outfits. Since they were doing one week on, one week off at the time, I told him that his daughter would probably be wearing those clothes to school, it didn't matter who's house they were at. Silly me thought that 'at least she'll have some nice clothes at her mom's house'. Well, he sent her in outfits I bought (neither of them knew I bought them, we had gone shopping while she was at her mom's) and of course, she came back in other clothes that she could use as 'play' clothes but not for school. BM never complained, probably because she was getting lots of new clothes. I told him that they are SD's clothes, but he also said her sister was probably wearing them too. (they were about the same size) Then just after he filed to get a custody order, he tells me that BM called him demanding to have all her clothes back and she needs them for school. She said he has tons of her clothes and so he returned them all to her. [I have to explain that my husband is not 'normal'. He's a neat freak and very particular. He's never lost a sock. He's never 'mismatched' an outfit if it's bought as an outfit. He folds & hangs up everything, never leave it in a basket. He knows where EVERYTHING is so nothing ever gets lost.] So he returned every article of clothing that belonged to BM. (he even kept them separate in her dresser, including socks & underwear) and BM gave him a handful of items that were what he or I bought. She kept most of them, probably because she's so disorganized that she mixed them in with her older daughter's clothes. As it turned out, the clothes she used for SD to wear, were all hand me downs from her sister. The only new clothes she got were from us and for gifts.

Since then, I went to a thrift store and got a few outfits that are nice looking and we don't mind losing. Now that SD lives with us all the time, we are not willing to lose outfits that she uses for school. She still comes back in clothes that aren't the ones she took there but the next weekend, she wears it back to her mom's. This last weekend, she hadn't done her laundry so she dug to the bottom of her hamper and got the clothes she wore back on the last Sunday and put them in her backpack, along with a few pair of socks that originated from her mom's house. When DH told her she can't take them in her backpack, that she will wear them back when they are clean, she told him 'but they are my mom's'. He said, 'does she wear them'. She said, 'no, but she bought them.' and I said, 'well, they are yours then.' and she says, 'yeah, but my mom wants them back.' and DH says, 'that's between me and your mom. you shouldn't worry about that. if mommy wants to tell me something, she can call me.' and SD glares at him and with a sarcastic tone her mom uses, she says 'well, you NEVER answer your phone!'. I was too busy picking my jaw up off the floor but he kept his cool and told her that he has voice mail and it's between him and her mom.

[and a side note, I went to pick up SD from her mom the week before school started because DH was at work. When she got in the car, she was wearing flip flops. I told her, 'do you have shoes?' and she told me her mom got her new ones for school. So, I asked her if she can go get them since she can't wear flip flops to school and her mom was going to pick her up from school on Friday. She comes back with her mom and BM tells me that she hasn't had a chance to go shopping and all she has are flip flops. Hmmm, was SD lying or is BM lying? I went that day and bought SD over $400 in clothes, including some really good shoes. When she went to school on Friday, I sent her in the clothes her mom sent her to us in and the shoes she had worn all summer. DH got a call from BM's mom. 'how dare you send her in this!' and he replied, 'that's what BM sent her to me in.' All year I refused to send her in her new shoes & she wore her 'weekend' shoes on Fridays. Then, about a month ago, SD wore them & I didn't notice. When we picked her up, they were ruined. They are suede and the sides look like they were dragged across the pavement & they were full of dirt, like she had buried them & dug them up. Now they are her 'play' shoes and I almost went & got her another pair. At the last minute, I decided that she's only got another month of school so she will have to wear them like that.]

Sorry... mis-read... got "dress" from "dress clothes"... In any event, same difference. The point is to keep it from getting lost/ruined in transit. Unless they REEEEALLY REALLY want to have those things with them all the time (which it doesn't sound like they've said that)... in which case, BM would probably get annoyed that she has to keep it all organized and nice and keep packing, unpacking, cleaning them, etc...

we basically do the same thing as ima... whatever clothes they came in are the clothes they go back home in unless it is a back to back school day then we usually just wash the pants (unless it would be totally obvious that it is the same thing like a skirt with a picture on it) and we have a stash of clothes from the thrift store and on sale items that arent great but arent worn out either...

We just started spending too much money on clothes by sending the clothes with them to moms house ... and for whatever reason she refuses to send clothes with them when they come over so we would end up with like no clothes at all for the kids and have to go and purchase new ones ...repeatedly. It was just to much.. we couldnt afford to do it any more. So, we started saying you cant take those clothes to moms wear home what you wore here... and yet still that doesnt work all of the time because I think she is doing the same thing except she will send the kids in completely inappropriate clothes like a winter sweater when it is 80+ degrees outside or pants ripped half way up the leg and/or just way to small...and I wont make the kid where that again...especially to school... infact I will usually toss it in the garbage when it is that bad...

It beyond angers me when the kids come home in clothes that are too small and/or are completely ruined (like the pants ripped half way up the leg) when I know that she has clothes for them since I am the one that bought all of the kids school clothes and sent them over there... I just dont understand how she can go out in public with her kids looking like that ... I would be embarrassed because I would feel like it is a reflection on me ... but whatever maybe that is just me.

I don't think your being petty!!!

My kids bm used to KEEP all new clothes we would send them to her home in and then send them back in clothes that were too small on them!! They would tell us of new clothes that she bought them for her house. Used to drive me insane...keep our new clothes and your new clothes and send them home in items they couldn't wear in public....UGGHHH!!!

My ex gets on my nerves sometimes with stuff. My son is 9, so I do hold him kinda responsible. If he wants to bring MP3 player or gameboy to his dads I say go ahead, but I expect it to come back. Sometimes he forgets it, but it makes it back eventually. I have been packing clothes lately because he went through a growth spurt and has few things that still fit and he told me that he has nothing at his dads that fits (wore the same outfit all weekend once). So I sent him the last 2 weekends he has spent there with enough clothes for the weekend. First time some came back. Second time I told him and dad that if clothes do not come back I am not sending them because he needs them for here too!! They came back :)

oh my,
maybe BM is as crazy as me with clothes...I have this obsession being afraid that people will ruin my clothes if they wash it. I am also afraid that they will ruin their clothes when they wash it or somebody else will ruin their clothes if you let them wash it.

My BF goes to business trips a lot and his company always pays for their clothes being laundred at the hotels they stay (nice fancy hotels). i tell him every time "just take extra clothes, don't let them wash it, they will ruin your clothes". hhaha he looks at me every time like i am crazy.

I think it might be because i grew up in in a much less afluent society and you had to be extremely careful about your clothing because you never knew when you are going to get a new outfit. So i am in fear of clothes being ruined even if now i can afford it. but i still don't let anyone to touch my clothes and I constantly tell DD how she should wash her clothes so it does not get ruined. crazy i know

I'm guilty of throwing away several pair of panties BM sent SD in. My daughter is a teenager and I wouldn't let her wear those slutty looking panties so I threw them in the trash. BM demanded DH return them and he said they must have been lost. She finally stopped sending her in those. She may dress her that way at her house (she put thong underwear on her when she was 7) but we don't have to put it back on her to wear over there. Same goes for slutty looking clothes, which she has not done for a while. I think she figured out that daddy isn't going to dress his daughter like a tramp, so she keeps her tramp clothes over there. (I think she was doing it on purpose to get a reaction but he'd just send her in decent clothes and not say a word to her about it)

So, there's my confession for the day!!

Ex used to do that -- I'd send DS in something cute with a bag full of nice things and he'd come back in outgrown ratty clothes with only outgrown or worn out clothes in his bag. After 2 or 3 of these trips, and asking Ex to return the clothes I sent with DS (never happened), I finally said to "Well, I know DS has plenty of nice clothes at your house now, so I won't bother packing him a bag. Gotta go!" And that was the end of that problem!

Except for the time Ex took DS on vacation for a family wedding and asked me to pack a week's worth of nice things. He agreed he'd return the nice clothes. I'd just done his 'back to school shopping', so I sent off a suitcase full of nice new things. Them the airline lost DS's suitcase. So I asked Ex for the reimbursement check. Seemed reasonable to me -- Not to Him! So I asked that he replace the lost clothes. Again, sounded reasonable to me -- Not to him!

But seriously - I'd highly recommend the "Well, I know you've got plenty of nice clothes over there..." speech.

We try very hard not to say things have to stay at our house unless we absolutely have to. We believe that the clothes are his to wear with us or at his mom's. I only had a problem once when he had worn all of his jeans to his mom's and was coming back in shorts. We were down to one pair of jeans so I took matters into my own hands and showed up at his mom's house. I had SS call and ask to come in so he could get some jeans. She did let us take two pairs of jeans (he had at least six pairs we bought that fit him). One pair was too small. The other fit. Since then, BM has started saying that they have no clothes for my SS and wanted us to give some of the clothes she bought back. I went through his room and found one pair of jeans which I know I didn't buy and about three t-shirts. I put them in a bag on the front porch and my husband told her to come by and get them. She never did. She says that the child support is for his clothes and she shouldn't have to buy him anything. She only pays $275.00 monthly. That barely covers his before and after school care. My husband reminded her that in court, the guardian ad litem told them that CS does not mean she doesn't have to pay for things while my SS is with her. She still has some responsibility to pay for things he may need. It's a good thing that was said in court and in front of everyone. She paid $20.00 toward school lunches and wants my husband to pay her back. He again reminded her what was said in court and he was not going to pay her back. She refuses to pay for any of my SS's extra curricular activities and we are lucky to get the ordered medical expenses.

Getting back on track... I have caught my SS wearing dirty clothes on days he is going back to him mom's because she told him to bring them back and he didn't want to get yelled at. I make him change and put her clothes in his backback. I told him I will not let him go to school in dirty clothes and I don't want him to be yelled. My husband and I try not to play the petty games. There are a few things he is not allowed to take...his ipod, nice clothes...etc. We know if it goes to his mom's, it probably won't return to our house. My husband bought a go phone for my SS awhile back and it was 'disappeared' according to my SS's grandmother- that would be BM's mother. She said it was thrown out my BM.

I used to have the opposite problem of many of you. The ex used to send things home with the kids that I could never afford to buy them, just to try to make me look cheap to the kids. I received only $75 per month for three kids. Was going to college and working 3-4 part time jobs just to put food in their bellies and a roof over their heads.

DD used to forget her clothes at dads every school break. not all of her clothes but some of it and usually good ones. it was usually not worth to mail it so she would go their next break and sometimes it would not fit anymore or the weather would be wrong to wear it. It used to get me MAD at X for not helping her pack.

Our system with clothes originated because I got fed up with A__ wearing the same clothes all weekend. BM would send him to BF for the weekend without ANY clothes (not even clean undies) and kept telling BF not to buy him clothes because she'd send clothes, but never did.
Anyhow, I got sick of this and bought him a few nice but inexpensive tshirts, a bunnyhug, and I kidnapped an extra pair of jeans when he ONCE showed up with a change of clothes. So now, we have accumulated about three extra pairs of socks and undies, a pair of pants and a bunch of tshirts. He usually shows up in nice clothes (although usually dirty and stinking of cigarette smoke) and goes back in different, but same quality, clothes. So the tops and jeans are always rotating, but we couldn't care less if the tshirt I bought him is here or at BM's, provided we have clothes for him. If he shows up in tattered rags, I wash them and send him back in clean tattered rags.
Oh, the bunnyhug left and never returned, so I'm going to buy one more. If the same thing happens, I'll just ask GM for an extra sweater next time I pick him up from her place to make sure he has something warm here.
BM once asked BF "Where A__ got the clothes he came back in?" but has never complained about that he comes and goes in different clothes now. ATM, all the tshirts we have are ones that came from BM's or GM's place, but it varies.

They key is that every stepfamily has a different system... And as long as it works for everyone involved, it's "right".

Finedreams, I bought these nice heavy duty plastic hanger for the kids' clothes as well as the ones with clips for pants and skirts. SD kept breaking the clips off because when she grabs a pair of pants, she just pulls at them. I kept asking her to stop, and finally she said, "Can't you just throw my clean clothes in a pile and I'll dig through them to find what I want? That's what my mom does." So I seriously doubt that someone who is obsessed with the way the laundry is done would have a wrinkled up pile of clean clothes like that.

Ima, I'm guilty of throwing out the "slut" clothes too. Sometimes I'll stuff them in her backpack and send them back, but if they're too riskee, I'll just dispose of them.

Last summer SD came over in a really super short skirt (couldn't bend over if she wanted to), and we were going out to dinner, so I told her that skirt was getting a little too small and could she go change into something else. Well, my mistake...she had just gotten that skirt. BM called screaming at DH that I need to keep my mouth shut about what SD wears, that it's none of my business, and that I was giving her a fat complex by telling her her clothes were too small. Well, the next time BM came over to get SD, I cornered her and told her that little girls will dress like little girls in my house and that if she thinks I'm giving SD some kind of complex by dressing her appropriately, then she should choose better clothes to send her over in and not pack her a bag because she has plenty of appropriate clothes to wear here. She said nothing to me...always acts like it was never a problem to my face...just tears DH a new one over things. How was I to know that skirt was bought on purpose for SD's butt to hang out of, and really, should we have just let her wear it?

Last weekend I let the girls pick out outfits at Wal-Mart. SD picked a cute summer dress, but it looked a little transparent to me, so I grabbed some leggings. The 14/16 looked a little big, but the 10/12 looked a little small, so I asked her which ones she thought we should get. She grabbed the 10/12s and said, "I like my clothes too small." UHG, what to do? what to do?

I just sorted clothes for summer. SD is wearing a 14, DD is wearing a 10. I just moved some old T-shirts over to DD's closet from SD's. DD came home from school, and I said, "That T-shirt is a little small," and she said, "You just put it in my closet. This is the first time I wore it." Then SD comes over and throws a fit that DD is wearing her T-shirt and that it still fits her. I didn't even think it fit DD size 10, let alone that it would still fit SD size 14. So DD takes it off, and SD puts it in her bag to back to mom's.

Well, that's enough ranting for me. Thanks. I feel a little better, although I'm sure I've not given any advice.

This describes my husbands exwife to a tee!!!! She is very petty. And because she was petty and behaved in that manner my husband would follow suit. Until i came. I told him to stop acting like her cause your only hurting your kids. Its their stuff...they take it back and forth. Sometimes the stuff wouldnt' come back and my dh would tell the kids to please continue to bring it back and forth.
one time his daughter asked for us to buy a bike. I said why? you have a bike upnorth, bring it to the city. She said' mom said our stuff stays there'. i said we are not buying two bikes. That is your bike and you should be able to bring it back and forth and if your mother doesnt' allow it then remember who is spoiling your fun. Its not right for you to expect 2 of everything. Please do not. Her father sat down with both kids and told them he is not buying two of everything. If their mom wants to be petty then its their loss. We expect them to bring things back and forth between houses. That is the way we live.
Now that they are older they are bringing soem stuff back and forth because they'll fight with their mom.
ITs disgusting behaviour.
Its petty, its selfish. and this is what this biomom is teaching her kids.

As for CS, can you take her to court again or is it not worth it?? She probably has the money and would rather spend it on them than give it to you guys.
I know my husband is pist off cause the money goes to his ex's household but it eaten up and the kids get nothing in the end. Then she would phone and complain. He would tell her ' tellyour boyfriend to get a job and stob leaching off of you along with his son!!!'
My SD still hates her stepbrother. She said that last weekend.

I can't even imagine how it would be if my SC were younger kids. They come here for 6 weeks with 2 full "outfits" each! We end up buying socks, shoes, dress clothes, jackets/sweaters, personal hygiene products, you name it. At Christmas they had no coats, and SD16 had flipflops on. We are in the north, they fly up from the south. They are 15-19 years old!They know what they need, and how to pack. I don't blame BM. SD16 wore her younger sister's tank top, much too small, then started wearing DD11's tops,pants, shorts and a skirt. Taking boys shopping isn't too bad, but girls? DH and SDs can't agree on any outfit.If I go, then all the clothes I let them buy are inappropriate.We cannot just give them cash and drop them off, because they'd buy one article of clothes and some junk. We know they have clothes, or should, because not only do we pay child support, but they all have part time jobs. They also receive decent birthday money. From what I have seen they spend their money on junk, and then they complain about not having anything to wear. I know that this is normal for teens, but on top of this issue is the last minute purchase of airline tickets. The price doubles when we have to wait until a week or two before they are available to visit. DH told them if we didn't have specific dates this year by April 15, then he wasn't flying them up.I know he'll give in, and pay double.They know it, too.

Shoes and clothes eventually show back up ... They have enough at each house... and more here that they pack and take extra when needed not a big deal ... but certain things I do keep here like dress clothes.

Any toys/games that go to mom's never return I stopped calling it the black hole a long time ago ... just figure its gone and I really don't care about that stuff ... because not my problem if you leave it there and "need" it ... you should have brought it home....

That does sound petty to me, especially something like shoes? Come on!

We have bought SD things that have to stay at our house but those are things like toys, books, and other activities that just stay here so that she has something to play with when she is here. This last trip she was here we bought her a whole new wardrobe because BM said that she just sprouted about 3" and none of her pants fit her anymore. We never even THOUGHT about telling her her clothes had to stay here.

That is just nonsense!

It is nonsense!!!

The kids SHOULD be able to take their clothes back and forth. They are THEIR clothes. But it is also nonsense to lose several new outfits and shoes. Cheap wal mart shoes, who cares? But what about $30-40 (or more) pair of nice shoes? I buy my step daughter's school clothes at Osh Kosh and Gap and her mom shops for her at Target (and when she moved, she went to get her clothes at the thrift store). I'm not knocking Target or thrift stores because I get things there too, but when BM is keeping the more expensive outfits (which happen to fit her other daughter), and either she's letting her older daughter wear them or maybe she just tossed them because I bought them, but SD isn't wearing them. She only goes over there six days a month.

It wouldn't be a big deal to let her take whatever she wants over to her mom's but then her mom sends her back in stuff that she probably should have thrown away. SD lives with us so it's not like she needs much at her mom's. It would certainly be different if she lived over there and was taking stuff to wear over there, because they are HER clothes.

Almost nobody has the problems with bio-mom that we do, so my situation isn't comprable to most others. But it reminded me of a story.

We don't let ANYTHING go to mom's house (before she lost all but public visitation). If the kids sneak something to her house, we warn them, they are likely to lose it. This is the story behind that decision.

As I've said before my husband's ex struggles with psychosis and bipolar disease. In 2006 they were still allowed on rare occasions to spend the night with her after my husband would meet with her and assess her stability. So they took a couple books and a bookbag each of clothes to her house for a Xmas visit, and some homework she wanted to 'play mommy' and help her with.

The visit went fine, but the kids were so busy bringing gifts home, they left their school books and clothes at her house. A couple of days after Xmas, bio-mom fell into psychosis, and we didn't hear from her again for 6 months.

Unfortunately it was the end of the school year and my husband wanted the school books back ($80 a piece), and maybe some of the clothes. He arranged with bio-mom's brother to go to his ex's house and get the stuff with brother as a witness.

When she is in psychosis she pretty much just hides in her apartment and talks to herself and lives on diet coke and cigarettes. Her brother apparently paid the rent and utilities out of her disability check, for a couple months, and then stopped, and my husband knew she was about 4 months away from being evicted (which would coincide with her being Baker Acted, and all her stuff would end up in the dumpster).

So he and her brother went over to her house and he found her on the couch talking to herself surrounded by waist high piles of coke cans, cigarette boxes and fast food bags around her. THe kids stuff was in a pile at the other end of the room and he picked through it as quickly as he could; as soon as she saw him she started screaming at him. He wanted to move fast because he thought she might attack, she has before, but she was content to sit on the couch and scream.

He got the school books and bookbags, but the clothes were horrible. They were damp and moldy. There were Xmas presents and cards addressed to the kids from her side of the family still in wrapping paper.

If she ever gets overnights again, you can bet we will carefully control what goes to her house and what comes back.

(She eventually was baker acted in September and sent to the hospital. Her hair hadn't been washed for so long, the staff had to cut most of it off.)

As for the original poster's complaint: I think a lot of this sort of thing, whether it is petty or fits the circumstances, is dependent on the kids' perceptions. If they see no reason why they can't wear their shoes to Dad's house, then mom's cutting off her nose to spite her face. If it makes sense to them, it's not petty.

Did the child want her shoes at your house? If so, roll your eyes and wait until she's a teen. She'll handle these problems for you. ;)

Why does dirty hair have to be cut off?

That sounds barbaric, like a violation of a person's body.

about the clothes;

My ex's brother left his wife & 2 adopted children for another woman, filed for divorce, rushed it through, married the woman, & immediately, at the ages of about 38 & 41 or some such ("old" ages at the time, back in the 1970's), they conceived a baby.

& sort of rubbed the pregnancy in the ex-wife's face & told everybody that this was, well let's call him Randy, it sounds appropriate, "this was Randy's first child that was his own".

& they named the baby after Randy, which was also a variation of the adopted boy's name (ie, say adopted son was Randall Charles, new baby was Randall Jeremy), a transparant attempt to make the new baby a "junior", thus negating the adopted son's identity as his father's "junior".

(This was about 30 years ago; can you tell I still despise these people?)

Mother had full custody & father had visitation;
father & new cupcake *always* sent the children back to their mother in clothes that were way too little, claiming that "we" had bought wonderful things, only to never see them again, & therefore "we" were entitled to send children home looking like hobos or clowns.

Mother never said a word.

but she did her best to defuse the situation, sending the children to their father's in soft old clothes that she bought at the thrift store;

turned out, years later, that the nice new clothes, if there were any, were staying at dad's house; mom never saw them, all she saw were the outgrown clothes the kids came home in...*which were not the clothes they were wearing when she sent them to him*!

Father & cupcake were blaming the children's mom for stuff that they were doing.

keeps the spotlight off $crew!ing around & indulging your own ego at the expense of your children I guess...

& what was my point?...

The best thing might be to defuse the situation as much as possible.

If they're going to be gone for 2 days, send 2 days worth of play clothes or thrift store clothes, but not long flannel nightgowns that hit daughter mid-shin, & not jeans that hit son above the ankles.

& if the clothes don't return, consider that you paid maybe $10 for peace.

cheap at twice the price!

exactly... instead of arguing over spending money on name brand nice clothes only to have them be worn to "other home" and never return only to pick your kids up in jeans that are split up to the knee and never end anywhere below the shin/ankle line and shirts that are stained and too small... we buy clothes that stay here and send them home in clothes of the "soft old clothes" thrift store sale items... who cares if you never see them again clothes and shoes