Sounds like they are both old enough to sort this out on their own. For you, the best thing you can do right now is step back from the situation and let them work out their problems. I can't begin to guess what the gal meant by not be able to 'do this'. If she speaks to you again, you might ask her. You might also suggest she and your son sit down, speak calmly and go through their issues with a calm head, using the 5-step problem solving process that you probably taught him as a child.

But there's another really HUGE issue that occurred to me, reading your post. If you have anything at all, in the way of an estate (own your own home, have savings, have life insurance, etc), you need to SIT DOWN WITH YOUR ATTORNEY to make sure that NEITHER of these wives/exes are able to get their hands on what you may leave. In the case you describe, I'd be looking to leave a trust for the grandkids, that they couldn't touch until age 25, EXCEPT to use for college tuition. (I'd let them fund their other college expenses--books, living, etc). But do ask your lawyer for his best advice. This is the sort of thing, sometimes, folks don't consider, and then it's too late to protect their estate from grabbing hands.

You certainly have shoulders to cry on here. Bring it
on. I feel for you.

But my advice to you? Post here and vent, but stay out of it with them. They have big problems to try to fix. Regardless of what you do or say, something about it'll be wrong to them. Let the figure it out and don't try to fix anything for them or with them.

Your frustrated, and rightfully so. The new DIL is frustated, sad and not thinking clearly. Oh, and selfish.
There are right ways to do things and the wrong ways. Your dealing with people who don't do things very well. (sorry MO in this instance)
Even if your son wasn't happy with his ex wife, the way he's gone about this and the way he is using his cash, isn't helping. It's wonderful he is taking care of his kids financially tho. Let's give him that much.

I'm sure there is someone who can give you the advice your needing. Until then, you might want to stay out of the way. There could be fireworks and (from what I can tell) you have told your son how you feel, now it's time to step out of the way ( even if you want to give them a piece of your mind) and let them work it out. The grandkids are a priority, try to keep their best interest in mind and the fact that you want them around,taken care of and enjoying all their parents.

Good luck!

Stay out of it. It is their problem, not yours.

Let me first commend you for understanding that your son's adultery was wrong. I've seen many people condoned chidlren's bahavior and others imply that as long as people are happy, it is ok. I think it's mature and respectable that you see things how they are even though this is your son.

There's two problems here.. one is the marriage was based on mistrust, etc. Not that it can't survive, but generally a wholesome marriage doesn't start with lies.

The other issues just seem like typical new marriage/clash with in-law stuff. The dog issue and others are really their problems that you shouldn't feel the need to be involved with or helping to correct as I suspect you probably know.

I think your new DIL is going through a bad situation (with the dog), adjusting to a new marriage, and may just really be in a very sad/bad mood. She may simply just want to vent to you. Their problems really don't seem anything out of the ordinary to me.

I'd be cordial to her and offer your condolences, but don't take on their problems. They sound like selfish people (at least at this stage of their lives) who will probably continue to create problems for themselves.. they will either learn from their mistakes and grow up or not. It's hard to watch but you probably can't solve them or keep them from happening.

You all are right!!! Thanks for reminding me this really isn't my problem. I better stay out of it for my own sanity and for the sake of a relationship with my son and new DIL. I appreciate you all, Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes you KNOW things (like staying out of their stuff) but you need to be reminded in the heat of a situation. I thought yesterday that she was telling me bye or something and I needed to fix their marriage. OH, how I love you KT peeps!! I needed your advice!

It is their problem, and it is theirs to work out or not. They will or they won't. Sticking your oar in isn't going to help anyone, and may make it all worse. You risk alienating your child, no matter what stance you take.

Stay out of it.

I'm so sorry you feel bad, being in the middle of this situation. Yes, you love your son and always will. I personally think it's wrong to try and be the confidant of his new wife. As others have said before, it's time to back out of the situation. Above all, don't give them any money. That would only worsen the situation. And don't let the new DIL make you her confidant. Just my opinion. I hope they work things out, one way or another, without leaning on you for moral or financial support. They got themselves in this mess.

Just sending good thoughts and I do agree with the poster that recommends you get some legal advice to protect you and others. If it really upsets you, just tell them to get some counseling/legal advice and listen for a few minutes then go on. Also, Dr. Dobson had written some very good common sense books on dealing with adult relationships. You might be able to get them at the library. I have read several and really got alot out of them.
Good luck
Marie

I say stay out of it also. What a mess they have made of their lives. It's not your problem. I know you feel for your son but you need to step away and let them work it out.

Stay out of it.... sounds like, after a traumatic situation with the dog, she just hit her limit, and any and all big or little things just had to come out. She may have chosen to vent to you rather than her husband, and had no one else to listen to her.

Don't get involved in it.

Great advice...you might let them know,that while you are supportive of them, and want to remain respectful, you would rather not be involved in their marital problems.

Almost sounds like she's asking for your blessing to get out of the marriage. Stay neutral with the marriage but for gosh sakes, tell her to watch her animals!

I think her comment "I can't do this" was that she's hinting that she's fixing to leave your son. In otherwords, their marriage is not working out. The situation you describe is all too common in this day and age! Very sad especially when there are children involved!

Your son will need your support when this marriage falls apart, be there for him then. Stay out of it now.

I'm sorry you were put in this situation, but I agree with everyone else to stay out of it. They made their bed so they can deal with the consequences. If you ever have doubts, save this and reread Jannie's post over and over! Memorize it and follow it. No help but (((thistledew)))

I agree that you need to stay out of it, too.

I have a dear friend that has just gone through this same thing. Hubby got into an affair with another gal. Took her along on business trips and snuck around all the time. Finally left the wife and moved in with the gal. They divorced and he married her.. Now, the funny part. He and wife #1 can't get their house sold. He is still having to help with the payment. But the idiot and new wife went out and bought a million dollar home that they can't afford and he has himself in a real mess. New wife has 3 kids and the guy 2. One of the wife's kids has already moved back with their dad and another one is close to going, too. His kids don't want to go when they are suppose to. Wife # 2 is so jealous and doesn't trust him one bit. His new life is a mess. What can one expect when it is all based on lies and sneaking around. Wife # 2 goes on all his business trips with him because she knows how he did when she went with him behind his wife. It all makes me crack up. I said when he married her it wouldn't last long. They both deserve everything they are getting...

When you know when someone has to lie to be with you, what do you think you are going to get.. Just exactly what you deserve... It's the children that I feel bad for. They didn't ask for any of it.....

IMO, Wife #2 knows you haven't been happy about your son's behavior (including her). Now she is unhappy with the marriage and will be very glad to pin the blame on YOU if this marriage falls apart. So...Stay Out of It! Be available to your DS if and when HE comes to you to talk about his life choices. People DO make mistakes -- even our adult children!

I woud concentrate on my ex DIL and gds. If the new wife doesn't know what to do with girls I'm sure you do.

ThistleDew, my heart goes out to you. What a sad time! You sound like a very nice, level headed person. Can you invite your grandchildren over so that your son has some time to think? I agree with the others about not getting involved, but the grandkids might be glad to get out of the house right now.

and try to remember this as well....your son is not the "boy" that you raised..he has grown and life/time/experiences have changed him,thru no fault of yours at all.....I know-I am in almost the same spot as you are right now with my own DS

I think she was just having a meltdown after a very bad day, week, month and was reaching out to you.

Very important not to meddle but she is you daughter in law like it or not.

I think you need to let go of how they got there and concentrate on what is. Don't meddle but she was reaching for a shoulder and were it me I would have tried to give it.

Sorry but I see undertones that you can support and forgive your DS but are still sort of secretly putting the blame on her for the situation.

You don't have to be her mother and you c shouldn't meddle but you can try to be her friend. If this happened to a friends dog and she called you and complained her whole life was falling apart how would you react to that friend? That is how you should try to be with you DIL.

Sounds like she was having a meltdown. She reached out to you. Were it me I would not turn away. Like Carla said don't take on their problems but be kind. Don't enable you DS either. he did bring the dog over. he didn't build a fence knowing she had a dog. You say he KNOWS better. Apparently not.

I don't believe in mid life crisis. I do believe in screwed up brain chemistry that can cause impulsive ,stupid behavior. Perhaps you could suggest your DS and she seek counseling.

wildchild - you and I are on the exact same page. I couldn't have said it any better!

Chisue hit the nail on the head! Stay out of it. :)

Blessings,
Haley

Lots of things come to mind here. The most important thing IMO is the can't do it comment. Time to be a little blunt. I sense you don't really care if it breaks up, and for various reasons or you would ask *her* what she can't do rather than asking us. Maybe it's something simple. Losing pets is a sad time. Traumatic to some people. Maybe that was causing some of this. But you don't know so we can't know.

You're angry with your son. Really, you raised him to fence a dog rather than chain/leash it? I disagree with the cruelty claim on that. Some dogs should be fenced *and* chained, and with a heavy enough chain. And I see nothing wrong with his new wife moving into *his* house. He got it out of the divorce. Good for him. Why shouldn't he have his *wife* live in *his* house? I sense you really liked the first wife, dislike the second wife and are even approaching if not already are disliking your own son more and more because he left the first wife. If that's the case, they might not ever do anything to make you happy. Could that be part of it?

He decided to change his life. Yes it sounds like a mid-life but I'm not hearing much more about it and your comments that others are telling you it's ____ makes me wonder if you shunned him for some of his (in your eyes) transgressions?

I don't think it's fair to criticize the daughter in law for not being used to raising girls. That's not that unusual. Are the girls getting hints from someplace that they should make it tough for the new wife? That's not uncommon either. Mom might be saying something to them and I hope you're not doing or suggesting something (willingly or not).

People have different opinions on the right or wrong of divorce, adultery, children out of wedlock or even what kind of car a person drives. You can certainly judge them for this, but in the end, is it so bad you want no relationship with them again? That's what you're risking.

I think you need to sort out your feelings. You are upset. You need to vent. You do not need to assume or speculate - that won't do you any good. When she needs a shoulder or your son for that matter, give it to them unless you really are at the point of cutting them out of your life. If they ask advice, be sure you know the question before answering it. If they really have crossed the line with your values, then for your sake, break it off. Tell them and part amicably.

Do I think an expensive honeymoon is appropriate for people who can't afford it? Heck no. But then I think about the thread a while ago asking about an expensive ring, expensive honeymoon and the like and many said essentially forget the money, it's a once in a lifetime thing. I don't agree with it but it's their choice and as long as the kids don't suffer, starve or the like because of it, it's no different than someone buying a car or house they can't afford which most do these days.

I also sense you're terribly hurt by not being at the wedding. Little to go on so I have to ask, did something happen so they did not invite many people? I commend anyone these days for not spending wildly on a wedding. I do think parents should probably be invited unless there's some anger, resentment or otherwise which would make it uncomfortable for one side or the other.

As for the kid not liking the house, that's not unusual either. You didn't say an age so it could be imagination, fear, even anger. Does he miss his dad? This could be a lot of things but I don't think it's fair to just pass it off either. I could have misinterpreted, but I took the "what???" comment as sarcasm toward him. A divorce can be very hard on kids. How was he raised? Perhaps he was raised with the boogie men under the bed if you're not good thing. I don't know but assuming he's not too old, I'd cut him some slack.

Whether you like it or not you have some new grandchildren now. You don't have to like them, support them (financially, emotionally or otherwise), or even talk to them, but you do need to keep in mind that they're now a responsibility of your son, but again, I sense a big split with your son. You didn't say how long it's been since the affair but clearly you're not letting it go. How long will he have to pay for it or will it be forever? I will say this, if you will never forgive him for it, it's over.

To your question, are you being petty? No, I don't think you're being petty. You have strong beliefs for which I really respect you. Some of them I don't agree with but I don't think your values are "wrong" or out of line. You have different priorities in some ways.

You're hurting. You clearly miss the first wife. I think you're very angry and sad that the marriage broke up and maybe down deep you think if this breaks up it'll go back to how things used to be, which it won't. You didn't say anything more on what could have happened to cause the breakup other than the mid-life speculation. Could the first wife have had something to do with the breakup? Again, we don't know but it really doesn't matter at this point. That marriage is over. I agree with you that divorce is wrong 99.9999% of the time. You take the vows, you keep the vows IMO. I think adultery is wrong. But I do think there's a statute of limitations so to speak in this regard on the transgressions of people about whom you care. And I don't think he's gone totally nuts since he's being responsible for his prior family. So I do wonder if you're being fair with him or just prefer the ex.

Take a deep breath. Vent. Consider what you really want in your life. Do you want your son and his current family or just his past family? You *can* have both, but you likely can never get him back together with the first wife if that's the desire.

My best to you and yours. Hope that everything works out for all of you.

Hi everyone. I thank everyone for their comments. I got one thing that everyone seemed to agree on...stay Out of this marriage.
O.K. let me clarify some things for some of the posters.

I did dearly love my ex DIL. I loved her, but not her mother. She was very cruel to my ex DIL with her ugly words to her and my son. Nothing was good enough for her. I think my son felt like he ever measured up to her expectations. Also my son was so tired of raising the kids by himself. I saw that. But, I did not meddle...I thought he must be happy or he would say something. My ex DIL thought more of her career than she did her family. I don't know but something happen between them...for the last five years she has made her career her everything. I was secretly afraid that if she did not ease up something was going to happen. She is very educated and when she wasn't working she made college a second career. She was always taking a new course that was offered.
Yes, I miss her, but I love my son more. NO, I hate how he had an affair. I do not believe anything GOOD comes out of adultery and lies. Spouses get hurt, children get hurt. Families are torn apart. I ABHORED the whole thing. BUT, I truly like the second wife better in some ways. She and I have alot more in common than the first wife...She like to sew, I like to sew, She quilts, I quilt..she is an artist, so am I, I play the piano...she played the piano at her Uncle's church before my son and she got involved. She stepped down after she and my son got together. I mean there are so many things we can talk about and do together..but they live 3 hrs. from us so it does create a problem, but when they get to come up or us see them we do crafts together...etc..etc. So I do like her in that way, but yes I am just watching and observing her. I analyze EVERYTHING...I try not to do it but I do. It isn't something I can turn off. I am a cautious type person and weigh everything before I will take a plunge. I weigh good and the bad, consequences of my actions..everything. Mostly I keep my opinions to my self, but yesterday she unloaded on me about how miserable her life was going and how she equated how things were going wrong and I even think she was maybe saying she felt it was because she had married my son... I was stumped for words and all I could say was I am soo very sorry! I also felt there was some guilt or sorrow and I may be wrong..I just don't know. I want my son happy. My son, in my opinion thinks with his heart and not his head at times. If she were to leave him I am afraid of what it would do to him. There is no way that my ex DIL would take my son back...and I am not wishing that, or maybe I am...but that is impossible and I know it. It's really is so sad what your children do to their lives and others lives. I am speaking of my grands...Everyone has told me what a good father and husband he was to his first wife. He worked at a large electonics company in a large city near where he lives(that is where he met his now new wife). She works in the operations part of this company. When they had large electronis show last year in another city, my son and her were on that project together. Getting back to the subject, (I swear I get on a rabbit trail and forget my train of thought, sorry!) He went to the kids games, cheerleading, waited for my oldest grand while she took her piano lesson, plus took them to church every Sunday. His ex did not go. He was the cook in the house...Every Sat. he and the kids would clean house and his big treat for the kids was to go out to eat and do some kind of fun thing Sat nte. Her thing was to go to her mothers house or to her sisters house and they go shopping and for drinks. He told me that he felt she did not love him..and he gave up. He told me he had planned on leaving her when he met his now new wife. I love my son, but it is within me to call it like I see it if asked...when he started this affair he actually called told me..I did tell him that nothing good could come out of deceitfulness. I was angry that he and his first wife did not go to counseling. He told me that she would not go...I suggested that he go alone, but he told me he was through. I wonder if this new wife had left him alone would he have gone. I am NOT blaming her, it takes two to tango. But she did know he was married..yes, and he did too. These are some thoughts and incidents that I can recall. I will stay out of it, but I have it no way tried to insinuate or say ANYTHING against her! In fact, she wanted to start calling me mom and that was fine with me. I have really prayed and ask God if he could change my heart (in the beginning) so my son and this new woman could see love and kindness and acceptance in me. Oh yes, also the ex wife calls me from time to time to check on me. I have told her that my son and his new wife were off subject. She still calls me mama..when she calls me. She mostly talks about her job, and she just started a new relationship with a man she was introduced to by one of her colleagues. I try to encourage her...I told my son his ex wife calls me, and vowed to him I would never tail tote or tell anything that was going on in his life. He said he understood and it was o.k. Maybe this will answer some of the question some of you were having...I think I am torn between all three of them...I can see the good in them all, but I can also see their mistakes, but I have my hands tied behind my back...it isn't my life. I just pray that this new wife stays with him. I think it would literally kill him if she left. He just seemed he rushed into things a little too fast. Of course, not everyone is like me...I dated my husband for 12 years before I would marry him, and he gave me an ultimatium before I would marry him. I don't make snap decisions...I am a slow mover...I wish my son had been.

I can offer no suggestions that haven't already been said. You sound like a wonderful, caring woman. I hope everything gets sorted out without you getting into the middle of it all.

Sometimes people need to vent...just like you did here! She felt you were a safe haven to come to. That says alot about your relationship.

She vented to you. You came and vented here. Same thing. Hopefully she was able to get it off her chest just as you did :) Best of luck to all

Please, Thistledew, break your posts into paragraphs!

Given the background you just posted, if I had been your DS *I* would have left Wife #1 too! Seems you are ONLY upset about the affair, not his choosing Wife #2 over a selfish Wife #1.

Affairs are never right, but people make do mistakes. Not everyone tries to correct theirs. He did marry the woman.

IMO you might be able to remember some mistakes YOU have made in your life; forgive your son his weakness in the affair; and go forward. Your relationships with each of the people in your life are separate. You don't need to defend your anti-affair stance forever. That is o-v-e-r.

IMO, you are wasting WAY TOO MUCH time and thought over something that's not your problem. I know, easy for me to say.

But I remember my own mother-in-law, and how much I resented her comments about ANYTHING concerning my husband and me. I couldn't figure out why she devoted so much time to thinking about us and our lives/problems.

Easy for me to give advice. Tough to follow it, I'm sure.

(It would be much easier for us to follow your thoughts if you'd break your posts into paragraphs, like chisue said.)

I must agree with Chisue - you need to use paragraphs. Edit and organize your thoughts. 50+ lines of unbroken text is pretty much unreadable.

But you are doing the right thing in letting them work out their own problems. You really can't insert yourself into the situation.

Hi, ThistleDew

Tell them you were channeling James Joyce's stream of consciousness technique when you posted!

I agree with the others that you sound like a caring person. However, it does not help anyone for you to keep dwelling on all of this. Their affair, the divorce, their marriage. It is done. Judging your son and DIL will help push her away from your son. Please, for your own sake, learn to think positive. Mulling over things is very close to being neurotic. If you feel like you are going in that direction, you may want to get a bit of therapy.

The best thing would be if you could whole-heartedly embrace your son's current situation, his wife, and all of your grandchildren. Be a little easier on yourself and on them. I think you know that they are doing their best.

I hope you can find fun and relaxing things to do so that you can get your mind off of this!

We lived through the divorces of both our sons- I'm surprised I have a tongue left, it's been bitten so often. But we stayed out of it all and we are now on really good terms with both former DILs. And I agree with azzalea- protect yourself.

When she tells you again that "she cant do this", then tell her neither can I. And then offer to call her in a few days and be very busy from that point on. She may just be wondering how you really feel. Tough situation.