Corrections:

Husband's mom is no help as she makes matters worse. She recently voiced her opinion when her older son died, that his grown children should get possession of the home he lived in with his wife for 16 years, making his widow homeless.

Hello SoHelpMeGod, I can totally relate to your situation. I have a 23 y.o. SD and a 19 y.o. SS, both in college. SD has completed 4yrs and now went back in for grad school. They both have caused much stress in our 1 yr and 2 month marriage. DH and I have known each other 5 years. I have no children of my own and hoped that someday they would at least treat me with respect. Just this last year in August my SS had a melt down and told DH that he didn't think I should have part of the land and house my husband and I are building on. By the way I am paying for half of it with my own money. It happened to be on the night of my birthday and of course we bummed out, doing nothing for my birthday. Then on our one year wedding anniversay and DH birthday (we got married the day after his birthday a year before)in October, SD blew up and ran out of the house saying she is uncomfortable around me. I had done nothing. We of course again felt bad and did nothing. Then just this last week SD came for Christmas and had another outburst. It came about when she brought of the subject of a friend getting married and how dumb marriage is. DH and myself suggested to her that she should be more open to what other want to do in their own life, including marriage. She blew up crying and ran down stairs. DH had to talk with her for 30 minutes or more. The 2 SK are always asking for money or something related to money. Just 2 days ago SS reported that biomom was not going to pay her part for his college. He then continued to bug DH until he agreed to pay additional money. However, just 2 months ago SS was able to purchase a I-Pod and snowboard/boots for himself (about $500.00 or so). There goes our vacation this year. Then just today SD calls and asked if she can go on our cellphone bill coverage and she will pay some. I know from previous SD agreements we end up paying most and paying additional minutes she will rack up over the cellphone limit. I told DH no way, she is a 23 yr old adult women and she should pay her own cellphone bill. He became upset and then I became upset. I guess, I too am feeling like I am going crazy. I know before we married DH told me after helping SD with 4 years of college she was on her own after that. It just does not seem like it. We went and put tires on the car she drives today and filled it with gas. DH also pays the auto insurance for SD and SS. DH has also co-signed college loans for SD and one was very large. She does not work and the reason DH gives me is because her grad. school is so hard. I feel that both kids should work part time. I am frustrated and feeling like all I work for are his kids. If you or anyone has any suggestions for me on how to handle this I would greatly appreciate it. I am tried of becoming upset, feeling frustrated and used. I feel DH is teaching his children to be dependent on him and irresponsible. Let me know what you think. There are many more examples of the many things they have happened over the last 5 years but I just gave you a few examples. Thanks, Frustrated and Exhausted Stepmom

Hey LouiseDawn,

I can at least offer a silver lining of hope that I see in your situation. If SS is in college and SD is in grad school, there is at least some hope that they will be successful and eventually make enough money to finance their own lives. I also believe your situation will get better with time. I look back and I don't know how in the world I got through the last six years with my husband's family, but I did which is the important part. Having no prior experience at all in a step situation as step mother or step child, I was CLUELESS and felt guilt for the feelings of resentment I had and still sometimes have towards them and their father. I at least feel better to know that I am not this evil person for having these feelings anymore. That's a start.

It seems that the biggest hurdles towards happiness in these situations most of the time are SDs for SMs. SSs seem to have a different relationship with their fathers that doesn't trigger that "drop everything and go be a hero" button in their fathers like SDs. I finally won the trust of my SD (I think) and she doesn't try to push my buttons anymore to create conflict. She had a bad experience before me with SM #1 so I have tried to take all that into consideration to cut her some slack and focus on the long term goal of all of us getting along.

These days SD's biggest offense is using the guilt her father feels to manipulate him into openning the checkbook for her whims. All children manipulate, but steps have an easier time because they can use the guilt of their broken home life to loosen the purse strings. This has been the core of my own turmoil but has nothing to do with the purse at all. There is no reason for their father to feel guilt other than simply building a life with me, which hurts me because I have no regrets and his guilt feels like regret to me. BM left them all when the children were toddlers. There were 12 years between the time BM left and I met my husband so that breakup can't be put in my lap. He's paid for their tuition solely and provides for them to be more than comfortable. Why should he feel guilt?

I FORCED him to discuss these feelings this week and it seems to be helping. He's finally recognizing that his guilt isn't all meritted here. Sometimes his children just didn't go to classes that we paid for and sometimes they told us stories that sounded good while they just did their own thing. They are in their 20's and should have some accountability in their lives. Other than walking them to class and doing their homework, I really don't see what else we could have done.

He finally seems to also understand that my concerns aren't dollars and cents but the part we are playing in a pattern that insures failure in the future of our children, who just aren't prepared for the world. The biggest part of our job as parents is to prepare our children to become adults in this world (I think women get this where men don't. Men seem to want to be providers or heros.). If they aren't prepared, their growth is stunted and they lack confidence in themselves and their decisions in life. I am hoping that now he is getting past the guilt and focusing on helping to prepare them for the world (NOT dump them, just set boundaries and expectations that aren't forgotten later) we can work together to repair the damage.

Is that such a terrible thing to be want for your children? I want that for my own bio son so how can that be a bad thing?

I do not "know it all", but I feel like in your case, you should hang in there, support your husband and insist that you communicate on these issues together. Divided you fall, after all.

Try to look at everything with honest objectivity. Yes, it is normal to have these feelings of resentment, but then take that knowledge and do something positive with it by feeling a new liberty to discuss it with your husband and grow from it. Understand that your stepkids also have their own feelings they aren't sure how to deal with. (I've found that it has helped me to read some of the few posts on here by stepkids, to understand their perspective.)

We should look at what drew us to our husbands in the first place. What we loved about them from the start can't also be a reason to break us up now. In my own case, I had to offer him my trust that he would do the right thing for all of us. I just assumed he would go and make some terrible, crazy decision that would stunt all of our lives. I was asking him to trust me with his children, when I didn't trust him with his children. Again communication helps to work together.

Hang in there, girl. I know you are hurting from the behavior of your stepkids right now and you are justified in that. Stepkids are notorious for behaving aggressively towards us at least in the beginning. Be the bigger person, gain their trust and when they have grown enough to hear you, explain your side to them and hear theirs. This takes time and doesn't happen overnight.

My husband is a good man. He's worth the time and the strength it takes to get through it. His children are too.

GodHelpMe, our situations are very similar, and your observation that relationships between SD's and SM's was right on target. Daddies not-so-little girls can be very manipulative and unwilling to share their fathers with another woman. Your comment about men needing to be providers and/or heroes was also very astute. And for the most part I don't begrudge a man for wanting to be a hero to his little girl. The problem comes when "Daddy" has been such a good provider and "buffer" against the cold, cruel world of adulthood that his daughter wakes up at 40 (which is my stepdaughter's case) not knowing how to provide for herself, ie: get a job, pay bills, file taxes, even find her way around the city in which she has lived for 4 decades, that kind of thing. If these men think they are doing their daughters (or sons, for that matter) a favour, I would encourage them to read my post "I'm younger than my stepdaughter..." to see what type of human being too much coddling and providing can create. My husband and his ex did everything for their daughter (still do, in many situations) and now my husband is stuck with a 38 year-old daughter who, by his own admission, has never given him one proud moment in her entire life. In fact, he says I am his only success story! And I came from a background of abuse and deprivation, learning out of necessity, how to provide for myself and negotiate my way through this life without any help from my parents. Both cases are extremes, and don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone should go out abusing and depriving their children in order to create strong, independent adults, but a balance must be reached.

I've asked my husband what he thinks would happen to his daughter if say, God forbid, something should happen to him in another 10 years, when his daughter is approaching 50 and still doesn't know how to get a job and support herself and her children. He thought a moment, and then said, "Well, I guess she's counting on an inheritance!" He tried to laugh it off, but I could tell the truth in that statement alarmed and embarrassed him. I then asked him what the chances were that her inheritance would last even a year in the hands of an alcoholic and her drug-dealing boyfriend. Let's just say he had a lot to think about that night.

Folks, being any kind of "step" has its difficulties, but I know it doesn't have to be that way. All of my step-parents, 4 stepfathers, 3 stepmothers, have had a pretty easy time with my 7 siblings and me. Most of them have come right out and told me as much. I guess the difference between my siblings and me and some other stepchildren is that our parents expected us to treat EVERYONE with dignity and respect, and we knew that we would be in very deep trouble if we didn't extend this respect to our many step-parents. Basically, parents need to set the bar higher for their children, instead of lowering the bar to accomodate the children and then spending decades and decades making excuses for them.