Congratulations! Just curious...what were her conditions?

Well, the list was pretty LOOOONG...but for those interested...
1. That SD can "pack up and leave at any time." (change her mind and go back to Mom's) (if she was really struggling with adjusting to new situation, DH would consider allowing her to return...if it's just that "Dad won't allow me to stay out til 3AM with my boyfriend, but Mom will...she'll be staying put!)

2. That she spend 1/2 of Christmas & "majority" of summer at Mom's (which we've ALWAYS done, anyways...along with alternating Thanksgiving & Christmas & Spring Breaks, etc)

3. That SD visit Mom once a month, and DH pays 75% of travel expenses, OR if Mom wants to come visit here, DH pays 75% of her travel expenses. (probably once a month isn't realistic, given her dance/sports schedules. We've generally seen her about every 6-8 weeks, and I anticipate that's what will continue. DH will not pay for ex's travel, but she is always welcome to visit.)

4. That DH pay for 100% of costs for commitments that Mom made for SD in Mom's state. (Not gonna happen, since she has known for well over a year that SD really wanted to be here and she chose to commit her to activities there...after SD asked her not to.)

5. No child support. (DH always paid CS when kids were w/Mom, and w/SS now out of HS, DH would have been paying CS for SD if she were staying at mom's, so I don't think he's going to go for that. However, he has suggested an alternative to CS that includes mom paying for all travel, and 50% of extra-curriculars and 50% of uncovered medical/dental expenses (which is near zero with our AWESOME insurance!--we'll see if she goes for that.)

6. That Mom will pay 100% of SS's college expenses 9he is a freshman in college this year). (Because she wants to claim him for tax purposes. And this isn't even germaine to the issue here. My husband fundamentally disagrees with college free rides, and exwife knows this. But again not an issue here, as neither parent has *obligation* to pay for college.)

7. That when SD grads from HS and goes to college, that DH and exwife will split college expenses for her. (Again, not likely to happen...she will probably get a full ride anyways, cuz she's SCARY smart!!!)

8. That Mom can claim SS as dependent for THIS year. (Not likely, since he's lived here for the past 4 years, and she's never covered ANY of his expenses).

9. That DH provides school schedule, pictures, announcements, etc... (Always have since SS moved here 4 years ago, and OF COURSE will continue. Have always given mom passwords to online school grades, teachers emails, etc.)

10. That SD return to Mom's home state ASAP and return here at the start of school. (DH is fine with her returning ASAP, but she needs to be back here no later than August 10. She has volleyball tryouts the week of 8/11 and showteam (dance) auditions the following week.)

11. That DH provide all opportunities to SD that she has had in NC at his cost. (Of course...duh)

So, as I said before...some vague ("most of summer"--is that 51% or 75% or 90%), some laughable (that Mom claim SS as dependent for this year AND paying for Mom's travel) and some workable ( splitting holidays, sharing school info).

If anyone has thoughts on any of this, I'd be interested in hearing from you, so I can share ideas w/DH.

I think her mom is just whistling in the wind and trying to get what she can out of it. She, and her attorney, probably know that should it go before the judge he/she will give a lot of weight to the girl's wishes considering that she has good reasons, is a good person and is old enough to decide where she wants to live. If I remember correctly that mom has plenty of money I don't understand all the money issues. I guess if you have plenty you just want more. I wouldn't give up too much under these conditions.

The court allows my exH to take half the kids as dependents, and they have always lived with me - and most of them haven't set foot in his house in years. In my state, it has nothing to do with where the child lives.

gajopa~
I agree with you, somewhat. I think either 1)Mom's atty finally told her that the chances of the courts not granting child's wishes were slim, or 2)Mom finally realized that she was going to jeapordize her relationship with her daughter if she ignored this. Either way, we are thrilled that this looks like it is going to wind down without too much (more) drama, and more importantly, SD will be able to avoid more court appearances. I think that you are right that she's "whistling in the wind". My guess is that she figures she's not going to get what she wants (daughter to stay), so she might as well ask for the moon...at worst she might hit the tops of the trees. And yes, they have plenty of money, but that really isn't the issue. I just think it's funny that for all the years she was constantly filing for increases in CS (when she moved with her new hubby for big bucks and she stopped working) while DH was making a career change from sales to teaching. She told him time and time again that he "really had no idea how expensive it is to raise kids" and she "just really felt that both parents should be taking part in the expenses of children"....and now when the shoe is on the other foot, all that goes out the window. I'm sure DH will be willing to negotiate on some of this stuff, but I hope someone reminds her of her "old tune".

tos,
I don't know if it's different from state to state, but when she moved with both kids, she claimed both kids until SS moved here 4 years ago. Since then, we have claimed him, and they have claimed SD...which makes sense. I don't think my DH will likely budge on this one, since SS has been here all year. We will claim him and they will claim her, just like last year. Next year, however, I'm not sure how it will work. SS will still be here in college, with us providing everything except his college tuition, much of which is covered by his academic scholarships. His grandparents have college trusts for both he and his sister (SD) which will cover the rest, although I think somehow, Mom wants it to look like she's paying it. Maybe the college trust is in both the grandparents names and mom's. Who knows? At any rate, it is not Mom's expense, so I don't know how she thinks she can claim him. And I don't know why she thinks it's ok that she claimed both kids for all those years, but it's not ok for dad to claim them both when they'll both be here. Interesting.

I copied this from the IRS website on rules for children of divorced or separated parents. Since IRS is Federal, it is the same in all states. Individual state rules may be different for state tax returns.

***************************************************************************************************************************

Children of divorced or separated parents. In most cases, because of the residency test, a child of divorced or separated parents is the qualifying child of the custodial parent. However, the child will be treated as the qualifying child of the noncustodial parent if all four of the following statements are true.

1. The parents:
   --- a. Are divorced or legally separated under a decree of divorce or separate maintenance,
   --- b. Are separated under a written separation agreement, or
   --- c. Lived apart at all times during the last 6 months of the year.
2. The child received over half of his or her support for the year from the parents.
3. The child is in the custody of one or both parents for more than half of the year.
4. Either of the following statements is true.
   --- a. The custodial parent signs a written declaration, discussed later, that he or she will not claim the child as a dependent for the year, and the noncustodial parent attaches this written declaration to his or her return. (If the decree or agreement went into effect after 1984, see Divorce decree or separation agreement made after 1984, later.)
   --- b. A pre-1985 decree of divorce or separate maintenance or written separation agreement that applies to 2007 states that the noncustodial parent can claim the child as a dependent, the decree or agreement was not changed after 1984 to say the noncustodial parent cannot claim the child as a dependent, and the noncustodial parent provides at least $600 for the child's support during the year.

Custodial parent and noncustodial parent. The custodial parent is the parent with whom the child lived for the greater part of the year. The other parent is the noncustodial parent.

If the parents divorced or separated during the year and the child lived with both parents before the separation, the custodial parent is the one with whom the child lived for the greater part of the rest of the year.

Example.

Your child lived with you for 10 months of the year. The child lived with your former spouse for the other 2 months. You are considered the custodial parent.
Written declaration. The custodial parent may use either Form 8332 or a similar statement (containing the same information required by the form) to make the written declaration to release the exemption to the noncustodial parent. The noncustodial parent must attach the form or statement to his or her tax return.

The exemption can be released for 1 year, for a number of specified years (for example, alternate years), or for all future years, as specified in the declaration. If the exemption is released for more than 1 year, the original release must be attached to the return of the noncustodial parent for the first year, and a copy must be attached for each later year.

Divorce decree or separation agreement made after 1984. If the divorce decree or separation agreement went into effect after 1984, the noncustodial parent can attach certain pages from the decree or agreement instead of Form 8332. To be able to do this, the decree or agreement must state all three of the following.

1. The noncustodial parent can claim the child as a dependent without regard to any condition, such as payment of support.
2. The custodial parent will not claim the child as a dependent for the year.
3. The years for which the noncustodial parent, rather than the custodial parent, can claim the child as a dependent.

So basically, if I'm reading this correctly, if DH agrees to let mom (NCP of SS) claim SS, then she could. But since he's lived here for past 4 years, DH is the custodial parent.

Now, if mom CHOOSES to pay for college tuition not covered by scholarships (with college trust $$ from her parents), but we continue to provide the "daily living expenses" (health ins., car ins., phone, etc), I wonder what that does to the equation. SS will still live here (well, in the dorms, but nearby) and will make frequent trips here (for laundry, food, $$, etc), and will still use our home as his permanent address, etc. Since neither parent is OBLIGATED to pay for college, I would think that is considered a "gift", from eith Mom or grandparents. Since we will still be covering his living expenses, I would think DH would still be the custodial parent, even though mom CHOOSES to pay his tuition. Not sure how you calculate "daily living expenses".

We still claim my son (20, in college, living nearby) and provide his health ins, cell phone, etc. I imagine we will do the same for SS.

I don't know about grandparents, but paying your child's college tuition/room and board is not considered a "gift." Parents of kids that age ARE obligated to supply their financial information, and college financial aid programs expect the family (including the parents) to carry the major burden of college expenses.

"So basically, if I'm reading this correctly, if DH agrees to let mom (NCP of SS) claim SS, then she could. "

If the COURT decides to let her claim your stepson, then she can.

Depending on what state the original child support order is in ( providing that at least one of you is still in that state) your husband *could* be expected to pay for a portion of the travel. If its an income shares state, almost all of them expect travel to be split according to the percentage of income each parent makes.

Since ex wife isnt working, there is a pretty good chance your husband would be required to pay for some of the travel, and , depending again on what state we are discussing, the fact that mom is being supported by her new husband and not working will only require a minimal amount of support from her. What state are you in?

The other thing that you may as well not argue with is that the girl can move back at any time. She is moving with you because she wants to, by choice, and it appears mom is allowing her to go. You would be very hard pressed to then argue in return that she cant move back unless you say so. At 15, its a losing battle to try to keep a child from choosing where to live. Mom has finally figured that out. Its not worth fighting over that clause in any agreement with her.

All in all, it turned out pretty good. Both parents seem to have been able to discuss it and do what is right without a bloodbath. Dont let a few conditions mess that up, accomodate them wherever possible.

tos,
I will have to disagree with you here. While parents are REQUIRED to provide their financial information for FAFSA, so financial aid can be determined, parents are NOT required to pay for higher education. If that were the case, nobody would have STUDENT loans. And while some parents (or grandparents or whomever) CHOOSE to take out loans or have college trusts set up, that is NOT required. It is a choice.

kathline-
I mentioned Mom not working, which she didn't for several years, however she recently returned to the workforce.

When she moved the kids away, DH payed 25% of their airfare, and all of the travel expenses getting them to/from airport, since Mom never flew them into our airport. With fuel at $4.20/gallon, I think there will be some stipulations about what airports get used. He has no problem paying for 75% of airfare for SD when she is living here, since that's what Mom did when kids lived there. However, I doubt he'll agree to paying Mom's airfare to come visit.

And, as I mentioned previously, DH is willing to forgo child support altogether, assuming Mom will cover all airfare, and 50% of extra-curriculars. I really think it's just the *idea* of her paying CS to Dad, not the finances of it all. In our society, it still seems somehow wrong for a mother to be NCP and pay CS, but it's ok for Dad. And don't forget, she spent years reminding Dad that "providing financially for the children is the responsibility of BOTH parents, not just the custodial one", and that it was his "financial and moral obligation", which he whole-heartedly agrees.

As for the "move back" clause...I guess my thoughts are this. If SD's reasons for wanting to move HERE were "just because" or "Dad doesn't have rules/curfew" or "Dad will let me stay out w/boyfriend all night and Mom wont", then we wouldn't have considered allowing her to move here, because those would not have been adequate reasons. So, if she suddenly decided that she like "no rules" at Mom's or decided that "Dad's curfew/rules don't fit with my agenda of staying out w/BF" (all hypothetical, since SD doesn't have a BF), then DH would be supportive a move back. And I don't think that the court referee/judge would agree with SD if she didn't have such compelling reasons, like she does now.

In reality, I highly doubt that this will become an issue, anyways. She actually thrives on boundaries, HATES being alone after school, and likes the security of rules and routine. Also, she thouroughly loves being part of something bigger (family), and hasn't enjoyed being an "only child" (at mom's) since her brother moved here 4 years ago. So, I think it's gonna go well for her here, but I definitely want DH (and me) to be prepared for anything that MIGHT crop up.

And while the idea that "both parents seem to have been able to discuss it and do what is right" is nice, that isn't actually how any of this has happened. Mom has refused to discuss ANYTHING with Dad or with her daughter, and the only reason this looks like it is coming to an end is that either Mom realized she might "win the battle but lose the war" or her atty told her that her chances of keeping daughter there were slim, based on the referee's plan of ruling in SD's favor. All of these "conditions" came through Mom's atty to DH's atty...no direct contact w/Mom.

And I know that DH will be accomodating where possible...that's just his nature. Sometimes I think he's too accomodating....he's definitely a bigger person than I think I would be in this situation.

The federal government disagrees:

"the federal government and the schools consider it the family's primary responsibility to pay for the child's education."

http://www.finaid.org/otheraid/parentsrefuse.phtml

There is a plethora of information on this topic at this site.

How can you expect a teen to pay for his or her own college, when in-state tuition, mandatory fees, room and board at a state university, at a secondary campus is over $18,000 a year?!A freshman can get a $3500 Stafford loan; for the first time this year he can also get an additional unsubsidized $2000 Stafford loan. Work study is about $1000 - $1500, which leaves almost nothing left over after paying for books. How are they supposed to come up with the additional $12,500?

tos,
It's real simple....they work hard, get good enough grades to get scholarships, apply for grants, and take out student loans. College is a privilege, not a right. And certainly, it is not right for a grown child to expect that someone else pay for it.

Our oldest is managing just fine between scholarships, grants and his own student loans. He is working full time this summer and saving some so he can work part time during the school year. He has learned to budget both his money and his time very well between work, school and social life. And I suspect he is appreciating his education and taking it more seriously than many of his peers, who are investing nothing in their own future.

Is this thread about whether parents should pay for college?

"How are they supposed to come up with the additional $12,500?"

How about get a job? When I was in high school, there was a guy that started his own business. He started a sno cone stand that he operated after school and on weekends/summer. In the second year, he had two stands and I think he had three by the time he graduated high school. He banked enough money to go to college and become a lawyer. His parents were wealthy and they could have paid for his college (and they probably would have) but there's a sense of accomplishment that you get from doing it on your own. When kids are old enough to work, they should start working and saving for their future. They should also choose an institution they can afford. While it's true that the government uses parental income to determine family contribution, college is NOT necessary (agreed it's better than not going) and if the child is a minor, then I'd agree it's the parent's responsibility to pay for higher education, but once the child reaches the age of majority, then it's a personal choice whether to pay for your child's college education. Otherwise, I can (at 39 years old) enroll in college and send my mom & dad the bill. The fact that the government contradicts themselves by saying a child is 'legally an adult' and at the same time considers them a 'dependent' does not make it right.

If the student is under 24, the government uses parental income to determine the family contribution. What age do you consider "majority?" Not very many students start college before their 18th birthday.

The vast majority of students would never be able to afford college without parental assistance. Even if you go to a community college for two years and somehow manage to pay for that, that leaves twenty-five thousand dollars. My kids have worked since they were about 15, they qualify for need-based aid because of my income, they have received merit based aid, grants and scholarships, and that is still not enough. If you don't start as a freshman, you eliminate the chance for most merit-based aid, even if you have an almost 4.0 average. Kids who test at the top of the pack in our state are eligible for "free" tuition - which is a joke, because tuition at state universities is less than two grand, but the fees are over seven thousand. The more the child earns, the less financial aid they receive. It is virtually impossible for a student to get private student loans without a co-signer.

Yes, the government contradicts itself, but that doesn't mean the children should be the ones to suffer for it. If you love your children, you should want them to receive the best education possible.

AMEN, ima!!!

My thoughts exactly. I worked my way through college and took out student loans. Yep, I had debt when I graduated. But you bet your ass, I didn't goof off in college, wasting time partying. I took it seriously, and graduated, ready to work.

My son has had NO trouble getting his student loans! The financial aid dept at his college made it very clear that there is always enough $$$ to be loaned thru the US govt. for college. And the interest rate is so low, it's assanine to do it any other way.

I think the age of majority varies from state to state, but it's generally 18 or 21. Personally, I don't consider being responsible for your higher education "suffering". I think the sense of entitlement that so many kids have is a sad statement of what we've created of today's youth.

"Yes, the government contradicts itself, but that doesn't mean the children should be the ones to suffer for it."

Whine to the government TOS, because an 18 year old that doesn't have much more sense than a 17 1/2 year old is now treated as an adult. If you don't think they are ready to be an 'adult', then maybe push for legislation to up the age of majority to match their guidelines for college financial responsibility. I'm sure there are 18-24 year olds that have 'crimes' on their permanent record because they got in trouble after they reached the age of majority. (I'm not talking about violent crimes, maybe pranks or other stupid things kids do) Those kids ARE suffering because of it. (I had several cases where young guys were forced to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life because he got his underage girlfriend pregnant.)

I love my children very much and that is one of the reasons I have always tried to teach them to take care of themselves and I would definitely support them in whatever path they choose. However, it is not mandatory that I pay for them to go to the college of their choice or the best college out there. If the child wants to go to school badly enough and gets the grades (which lead to scholarships) and are willing to contribute to their own education as well, then yes, those children that have incentive to succeed DO deserve all the help a parent can provide. It's disgusting to me when I hear a story of well meaning parents that spend tons of money (sometimes their life savings) to send an ungrateful child to 'the best' school they can afford (and sometimes can't afford but mortgage the house to send them) and the child fails or changes their major so many times without a second thought to the strain they place on their parents. Or the child gets the degree and decides they want a career that didn't require any college at all. (my guess is that these are the same kids that will expect an inheritance too)

"The financial aid dept at his college made it very clear that there is always enough $$$ to be loaned thru the US govt. for college. And the interest rate is so low, it's assanine to do it any other way."

That is not true at most schools, although I agree that the interest rates on the government loan programs are excellent. There are the Stafford Loans, amounting to $5500 total for freshmen, and the Perkins loan, which is need-based and has an annual maximum of $4000, but you have to be very poor to qualify for the maximum, and the amount available depends on the school. If there are other federal loan programs, please tell me about them, because I sure haven't heard of them. The vast majority of private AKA alternative loans require a co-signer.

There are also several need-based federal grant programs, including the PELL grant and the SEOG. Even after all grants, loans, large merit scholarships, state grants and loans, there is almost always still as significant balance unless you are very poor.

Yes, there is a balance, and that is why the kid gets a job.

There is not a good financial advisor out there who would recommend that parents pay for college over funding their own retirement. Nor would they recommend a 2nd (or 3rd) mortgage, given today's economy.

I don't really know about all of the federal programs, because I let my son handle his higher education. I vowed NOT to be a "helicopter parent". Sometimes that has meant a hard lesson learned for him, but even he feels that the hard lesson was better for him than having Mom "fix it" or "bail him out" (of his banking mess, not jail!). The only call I made to the fin. aid dept. was to inquire if he was too late in getting his stuff in for any loans. The gal just laughed and told me that there is "never a reason to worry about that...there is always student loan money available". I then instructed him to get his student loan stuff taken care of so he could start classes...and he did...all by himself.

Of course we help out where we can, but we are by no means wealthy. My DH is a HS teacher and I'm a nurse. We have 4 kids...do the math! But he comes for dinner a couple times a week, and I send left-overs home with him. He does his laundry here (I even do a load or two for him on occasion!) to save $$. He doesn't buy new clothes or other luxuries. He's getting really good at deciding the difference between "I need" and "I want". He pays his own rent, utilities, car ins. We still cover his health/dental (great plan includes kids to 24!) and cell phone.

So, even though it's not as "easy" for him, he's gaining real life experience, while he watches the other 20 year olds drinking their way through college, and repeating classes (to the tune of $265/credit hour) at their parent's expense....No regrets here.

So in order for my child to go to a public university, if I were wealthy enough for him not to qualify for need-based loans or grants, he would have to NET $12,500 a year, and that wouldn't include any car expenses (doesn't have one) or living expenses during the summer. At minimum wage, the child would have to work a forty hour week to earn that.

So your son spends about $8000 a year on tuition alone, and somehow manages to rent an apartment, and support a car, and pay for gas at over four dollars a gallon. Even if he has five thousand five hundred dollars in loans, that leaves $2500 in tuition, $1200 in insurance, probably another $1000 a year in gas, $3000 in food, $1000 in books, about $6000 a year in rent - at least around here it would. So the poor guy has to net close to $15,000 a year, which means he would have to work full-time at ten dollars an hour, much more at minimum wage.

Yeah...poor guy. Knows the value of a dollar. He works full time plus right now, and will work between 20-30 hours/week during the school year. He has 2 roommates, and budgets very well to be able to afford to live on his own. And believe it or not, he STILL finds time to enjoy life.

GET THIS! He took a year off right after high school. Decided he wasn't quite ready to dedicate himself to college studies. He went to Europe and lived/travelled for a whole year...and funded it himself. It's really amazing how reliant and self-sufficient kids can become if you let them, and if they don't have parents handing them everything. He was just out of high school, and managed to live (and quite well, I might add!) on the other side of the frickin' planet...without me giving him every excuse under the sun why it couldn't be done, and how he couldn't afford it, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, poor guy....

I guarantee you...he wouldn't trade any of it!

My kids work full-time in the summer too, and part-time during the school year, and don't own a car, which saves them a great deal of money. There is no way they could earn enough money to live on and pay tuition. I was figuring $6000 in rent if they shared an apartment with 3 other roommates.

And you can't work thirty hours a week, go to class for 15-20 hours depending on your major, study for another 30 and still get enough sleep.

"And you can't work thirty hours a week, go to class for 15-20 hours depending on your major, study for another 30 and still get enough sleep."

HA!!! I worked 40 hours and went to school full time 4 nights a week (carried 13 units) and was raising 6 kids and leading a boy scout pack. (I was 25 at the time!)

And did you study thirty hours a week and get enough sleep? I doubt it.

When some of my kids attended two year colleges, although many of the classes themselves were good, they had no trouble doing well while barely studying for most of the classes. There were only two or three that had lots of outside work. The same could not be said of the four year colleges they attended. The public universities involved a fair amount of studying, and the private colleges/universities far more so. My kids have attended a fairly decent crossection of small, large, public, private, two and four year colleges.

>>>My kids have attended a fairly decent crossection of small, large, public, private, two and four year collegesAnd you paid for it, right?

Great! How's your retirement looking?

Look, I'm not saying parents shouldn't help out, I'm just saying that for our family, we will not be paying tuition/room & board. We'll cover other stuff and help out where we can. Our kids didn't/don't EXPECT for us to pay for their college. They see college as a privilege. We are both college educated parents. DH is finishing his Master's this week...YEAH!!! (Wonder if we can send his parents the bill?). We value higher education. We both also paid our own way through undergrad and grad school.

And did I get enough sleep during college? HELL NO! I went full time to a demanding program, worked and was raising DS as a single parent. I slept very little. But it didn't kill me. It made me strong and creative. I was forced to balance and budget....two things that kids today don't have figured out...even by the time they finsh college or grad school.

nicksmom, I am so happy for your SD. I hope all details can amicably and quickly be resolved.

My kids borrowed as much as they were able to, and they worked during the summer and in work-study jobs. I paid for the rest. After they get their careers underway, they will pay me back for at least part of what I borrowed. I don't have to worry about retirement, because I have no desire to ever retire. I have never wanted to retire - it has nothing to do with finances. If I ever become so decrepit that I am unable to work, my kids will help support me.

I don't want my kids to be sleep-deprived. I want them to stay healthy, and sleep deprivation is NOT good for your health (or driving ability, or grades, or mood).

eandhl,
Thank you! We are very happy for her, as well. And thank you for getting this thread back "on topic".

BTW, here's what we've come up with, as far as Mom's "conditions" go:
1. DH would agree to her returning to Mom's if a child psychologist recommmended that it would be detrimental to her if she did not, and assuming she had "solid" reasoning (like she did for wanting to come here.)

2. Holidays/summers split as have been past several years, with NCP (now Mom) getting majority of summer (at least 7 weeks), alternating Thanksgiving/Christmas, etc.

3. Monthly visits to Mom's when feasible, but more likely will be every 6-8 weeks with rigorous dance/volleyball/theater involvement. Dad WILL pay 25% of Mom's airfare, up to 3 times/year for her to come visit SD.

4. Dad will not pay for commmitments made by mom in NC for SD. She knew better. SD didn't even try out for dance team there or register for classes.

5. Dad willing to forgo CS if Mom wants to pay for all travel expenses, and 1/2 of extra-curriculars and 1/2 of non-covered med/dent.

6. Mom can pay anyone's tuition she wants to. Not germaine to this situation. Neither parent obligated to pay for college (because college is optional) for an adult child.

7. Again, as above for SD's college.

8. Dad will not allow mom to claim SS this year, as he has lived here.

9. Of course, Dad will continue to keep mom in the loop re: school, online access to grades/attendance, sports scores, pictures, etc. Has always done this with SS. BTW, Mom has NEVER done this.

10. SD may return to Mom's as soon as everyone has signed on the dotted line, or August 4th, which is her scheduled return date. She must be back here for the start of sports/dance stuff no later than Aug 10. We will likely be able to sch. a flight for her to visit mom in late Sept.

11. Of course she will have MORE opportunities here...which is one of the reasons for her move here.

Well to me seems like your DH is being fair. Hopefully all will go well. Wishing your family the best.

If this girl is so terrific, I cant beleive Dad wont commit to contributing toward her college. And in some states, divorced parents WILL be ordered to pay for college. Children in divorced families have it tough.

kkny-

How terrific she is has nothing to do with whether or not he/we think footing the bill for college is the right thing to do.

All of our kids are terriific. Oldest is starting his 2nd year in college, managing a full time job this summer (20-30 hrs during the school year), renting a house w/2 friends, paying for most of his bills. He got some fin. aid. in the way of scholarships, and took student loans out. He is highly motivated to do well, and I bet he won't be repeating classes since he knows it's money down the drain. He is actually only a year ahead of SS because, instead of going right into college, he took a year off to travel/live in Europe. It was a life-changing experience for him. Oh, yeah... he funded it completely on his own, and came home broke, but with no debt. He lived amazingly well in a gorgeous town in the Austrian Alps, working for a family, teaching English and being a "manny" to their young son. He saw most of Europe and came home fluent in German. He met amazing people, many of whom had no higher education, yet were brilliantly successful, in every sense of the word. He still wants to go to college...at least for now, but again, his life experiences outside of the university setting taught him more than all of his life educational experiences have.

SS is a freshman in college this year. He too has gotten scholarships (academic) to offset his college costs. He is lucky that his grandparents (mom's parents) set up college trust funds for him (and SD) when they were little. He will likely not need to borrow any money, but if he does, that's ok, too. And we will contribute in other ways...food, laundry, cell phone, car/health insurance, as we have with oldest.

Both DH and I worked our way through college, and took out student loans when necessary. We see college as a privilege, not a right. My husband is a high school teacher, and fully realizes that college isn't for everyone...even really smart kids. That said, we'd prefer that all of our kids go to college, but as adults, it is ultimately their choice, and their responsibility...no matter how wonderful they are.

According to your logic, then, the only kids that should attend Harvard are those who are both brilliant and very, very poor. Harvard, as well as a number of other top flight colleges, guarantees to meet the documented need of all admitted students. That is fine for someone with a low EFC - they could quite possibly take out Stafford loans and get a job so they could contribute a couple of thousand, although if they were that poor, the teen might be using his income toward household expenses. What about kids whose parents are wealthier, but don't believe in paying for their kids' college education? Almost no teen could earn the close to forty grand they would need. So what you are saying is that a brilliant student, with SAT's of 2400, straight A's, etc., should not be able to attend Harvard unless he is poor. Who, exactly, should get to go to Harvard? If it is only the very poor, pretty soon Harvard would no longer be able to guarantee to meet the financial need of all their students, and then they couldn't attend either. It is a good thing for the future of colleges in this country that most parents are not selfish and do feel obligated to contribute to their children's college education.

Dear Nicks Mom,

As I am certain you know, college costs have increased in excess of inflation. It a good thing moms family has contributed to college funds. Where I live, a family with two wage earner, one an experienced teacher, will put most financial aid out of reach.

Again, the financial aid dept. told us "no worries"...there are always funds available to those who take the time to apply for them and/or seek them out. I was concerned that becuase he returned from Europe in August that it was too late for financial aid. I was assured there would be no problem for him re: student loans, etc.

And yes, it's lovely that Mom's parents created the college fund for the kids. Really, really kind of them. They are both college professors (retired), and Tulsa blue-bloods with boatloads of cash. It was a very nice thing for them to do for their grandchildren. I truly hope that the kids really, really appreciate it.

I am not surprised that it wasn't too late to apply for a Stafford loan, but that is a drop in the bucket compared to the total cost of college. If you are both employed, and your H is a teacher, I really doubt that your son would be eligible for a Perkins loan.

I am glad that somebody cares about the education of your stepchildren.

Hey all~
Really great news here. Details to be hammered out today and tomorrow. May be able to forgo court hearing on Wednesday. BUT....SD gets to come live here for the rest of high school. We are all so happy...especially her!

congrats!!!!