Kayla,
You're in a tough situation & I commend you for hanging in there with your son. I hear teen years can be very difficult. I'm proud of your DH for being involved with your son & it must be difficult on him too. I wouldn't want to sleep with one eye open. My heart goes out to your son. Is he getting picked on at school? Kids can be so cruel. I'm proud of him for agreeing to talk to a counselor. Good for him. Don't give up hope. It's sounds like he's been through some challenges at a young age. Life isn't fair & hopefully we grow from our challenges & it makes us better people. It sounds like that's what you have done. Keep your chin up!!

Glad to see you're on your toes TOS.

Not that I feel it's any of your business but my relationships were all after my first marriage in which my son had been born. I never lived with any of the men, and they had little if any contact with my son for several reasons. One, at the time of the relationships, I wasn't ready for a commitment, my son's father beat me repeatedly and I didn't trust men. Two, my son has severe ADHD and most people could not handle having a child around who can't help but be obnoxious at times when his medication is being adjusted. And three, I'm over-protective, why should I let them hang around my son if they weren't permanant features in my life?

So no, my son was not in any way damaged by my relationship mistakes. Thank you for your concern though, I'm glad we're on the same page.

My son is popular at school. He plays football. Sometimes kids come to us at games or in the store and say "hey are you "son's name" mom or step dad?" My husband is a very funny guy and he dances in public all of the time. The kids at school really like him. It's a small town.
I am a good mom. I keep contact with teachers, I meet all of the friends. I do the best I can and sometimes thats not enough, but I give it my best.
My son is a good kid. He is being told lies by someone I taught him to trust. I know that's not easy on him. I'm doing what I can.
Thank you for your kind words.

Ima, I agree with your latest post. However, has the OP changed? It is all very subjective to say the least. The OP's recent posts are still very pro DH, not in anyway acknowledging that DH or herself had a part in this also. The blame game.

hecallsmemom, *you* brought your prior relationships up as it were somehow to make it okay for the OP to have had that many relationships with children involved.

Additionally, I forgot to mention before, riding an ATV without a helmet is not illegal in some states.

kayla, you honestly think that your son has not suffered any emotional problems from being bounced around home from home with different men and back and forth to your parents house? It really is all lies? By the people that have taken you in time after time and the people you trusted to watch him for years?

I am thinking of saying the T word.

nivea

I am doing the best I can. I don't claim to be perfect. I praise my son. I admit when I'm wrong. I try very hard. My mother lives in the hills of Tennessee. I want a helmet on that child's head when he goes for a ride. I do think it is the law here, but common sense should tell you to protect yourself and your children. I also require better grades than the TSSAA for my son to play football. I wore a seatbelt before the government told me I had to. I think I have high standards.

Kayla,

I don't know what else I can say but, go to counseling. Not just your son, but you as well.

Yes, common sense should tell you to protect your children. I agree whole-heartedly.

I never said he doesn't have emotional problems. We have been to therapy twice before. I never had my parents watch him. I worked and he went to daycare. Why are you so angry? I seek help not an attack. What's the T word? Taken me in? After being married off at 16, it took me a while to learn on my own, but I did get it together and bought my house. Married off at 16, high school drop out, I bought a house before I was 30. I didn't do so bad. I'm not perfect but I try hard. My perfect mother let my brother's girlfriend sleep in his bed at 16, he also grew pot in the house. My son has never touched drugs or alcohol.
I wish you were nice.

"I don't know anyone who has been in that many long term relationships with children."

My SD's mother, that's who.

I dare someone to show me their perfect child... ANYONE?

hang on - I just need to go cut his picture out off the Kraft box.
:-)

Not that this isnt getting nasty enough,but ORGANIC MARIA PUNCHING A TWO YEAR OLD IN THE FACE BECAUSE HE HURT YOU?????? OMG!!!!

Er, Dotz, OM didn't say "punch". Probably not unlike when my then two year old daughter bit me on the tender part of my arm so hard it left a bleeding hole. I bit her back on the hard part of her shoulder, not hard, but enough to let her know biting can hurt and we don't do it. This was after she had been biting and being told off for it for some time, to no avail. She never bit anyone again.
As for the SDad offering to "fight", I can't help but feel it was more along the lines of pointing out in fewer words, "If you're going to get all p!ssy and pull a fist on someone else, be aware you could be starting something someone else bigger than you will finish. Try this in a bar when you're a little older and you could well regret it."
I think Kayla would be wise to keep her son away from his GM and SGF since his behaviour is so poor when he gets home. If it was merely a case of him preferring the GPs to his home, he wouldn't settle down once he was home for a few days but would continue being disruptive.

Thank you colleenoz, you are very right.

I got the impression that the OP had a good job and owned a home now, so if her current husband weren't in the picture, there would still no reason for her to live with her parents again. She said he was a stay-at-home dad, so apparently he is not financially supporting her. And hard as it is to be a single parent, it is most often even harder to raise children with a stepparent present, as I have said before.

Why would the OP have to depend on the grandparents to enforce the helmet rule? I agree completely that a helmet should be worn (actually I wouldn't want my kids riding an ATV to begin with), but at 14 he should be mature enough to be depended on to wear one without being told. I have never had to tell my kids to wear a seat belt, and they buckle up automatically.

Kayla,
Could it be he gets away with alot & there are no boundaries at Grandparent's home? Also, if there are other children, getting to be #1 feels pretty good. They sound like they don't have expectations of him, but you do. Good job Mom!
Do you notice, some people have children who do no wrong or so blind they can't see it? These are the blind badgers who try to make an argument out of everything/almost everyone on here. They are full of negativity...just ignore them. They are like bothersome gnats flying around new prey.
Don't trust a teenage boy to follow all the safety rules, especially on an ATV, they have risky behavior(duh). I'm not saying your son isn't mature, full of testosterone is more like it. I love riding & jumping 4-wheelers. It's a blast. You get such a free feeling & a helmet kind of spoils that. I would like to know what state you can be a child & not be required to wear a helmet. I'm seriously going to write to the reps of that state. If anyone can find out that information for me, I'd appreciate it.
Also, I'm curious...what does "T" stand for?

Colleen, You are right, she said HIT, not punch, doesnt make me feel any better..Sorry still have to disagree with hitting (and biting) a two year old..I doubt any pediatrician would go along with that theory....

Yes, I trust my teenagers to follow safety rules - they have seen enough stories on tv and in the paper about head injuries not to do something stupid like go without a helmet.

theotherside, just where do you get your information? You own you home and raise your kids alone and constantly complain about how much you struggle at poverty level and marriage isn't just about 'financial support' although I picked up that he sold his business so he does have some money, he's not living off her. She isn't complaining about HIM, so why is the answer for her to boot him out? Do you just want to see someone in the same boat as you? Misery loves company! I don't know if OP is offended by that, but I am offended for her. I've been a single parent and it's not 'harder' with a step parent. How would you know? Have you tried it? It's different and there are definitely some challenges, but there are definitely more benefits, especially if the boy's father is not in the picture at all.

and to think that at 14 he should be mature enough to do anything on his own, how naive are you? Some kids are aware of safety and will use safety gear or buckle up on their own. Some kids will only do those things if an adult is watching or makes them. I have three teens. My daughter would never ride in a car without buckling up. My sons, I'm not so sure. If they are in my car, my middle son will buckle up without being told, but the oldest, I always have to tell him. He thinks he should be able to do what he wants, he doesn't believe the government should have a right to tell anyone to wear a helmet or seatbelt. I've told him that even if there were no laws, it's about safety. He is stubborn and doesn't care. He probably thinks he's invincible and I worry constantly about him. At 21 years old, I'm not going to 'make' him. and it wasn't the way he was raised, I raised him Catholic and he has chosen to be an Athiest. At some point, kids are going to decide things on their own, and you really can't trust that at 14, a kid is going to do the right thing, especially if the adults that are watching him, don't make him wear safety gear. (and we ride ATV's and if it were my kid, he'd have more than a helmet, he'd have at least a chest protector & preferably riding pants & boots. and I agree with misti, that teen boys usually like taking risks, they don't wanna look like a sissy and wearing a helmet may not look or feel cool)

IMA, I also raised a Catholic boy that turned into an Atheist LOL Maybe some thing in the water??? Kayla, My heart goes out to you,glad you re in counseling and the lunch went well..What a difference a day makes sometimes..Also dont think dredging up past mistakes help the situation at hand...You sound like a concerned mother, hope things get better for you really soon, all the best...

I think Misti may be on to something. Her son probably does feel that G-ma and SG-pa provide security as they have been the *rock* that he and Kayla have gone back to several times. BUT, he I'm thinking he always feels their house is his own private Disneyland. He doesn't have siblings to take away adult attention. He is allowed to do the *cool* and *fun* things (read, unsafe and illegal) that Kayla will not let him do. He is not expected to do chores or help out because that is "woman's work." Respect for others is not required. Heck, if I was a 14 year old boy I'd probably think I'd died and gone to heaven there! Of course he wants to stay there - wouldn't you?

I think he has to realize that life is not Disneyland. To do this I think Kayla you have to step up and your DH has to take a backseat. You have to show him YOU are the rock, not your mom. Your DH can be quietly in the background supporting you, but you have to take the lead. Your son isn't going to think your house is more fun, but he needs to learn that you can't run to Disneyland all the time - it's a special treat. Perhaps a weekend with g-ma can be a reward for good behavior/schoolwork/whatever. But before going I think a sit down with them and your son is in order. "I am the mom, and here are the conditions of my son being allowed to stay here - wearing helmets, no out of season hunting, etc." If the conditions can't be met, the visits can't happen.

I'm very glad you are getting counseling. That's a very good first step in the right direction.

PS - sure 14 year olds should be old enough to know to wear a helmet. And 40 year old men should be old enough to know not to drink and drive. Obviously, just because you know you shouldn't do something doesn't keep everyone from doing it.

"I never said he doesn't have emotional problems. We have been to therapy twice before. I never had my parents watch him. I worked and he went to daycare. Why are you so angry? I seek help not an attack. What's the T word? Taken me in? After being married off at 16, it took me a while to learn on my own, but I did get it together and bought my house. Married off at 16, high school drop out, I bought a house before I was 30. I didn't do so bad. I'm not perfect but I try hard. My perfect mother let my brother's girlfriend sleep in his bed at 16, he also grew pot in the house. My son has never touched drugs or alcohol.
I wish you were nice."

I turned on my warm and fuzzy font now.

So, if your mom never watched your son, then it is your fault for your son not wearing a helmet. It seems to me you are coming up with excuses to blame your mother. You stated your son was going over there to spend time with Grandma and Stepgrandpa, but it only became an issue when the police became involved.

It doesn't matter what your mom did to you or your brother. It is all subjective anyway. Does your mom still let your brother grow pot in the house? Why would you keep going back if they were so bad?

Again, this is not the place for you to get help from. Go to counseling. Use the time you are spending on here to research.

ima,
I think the OP said that she bought her house and got a good job prior to marrying her current husband, and that she is not financially dependent on him.

You ask where I got the idea that it was almost always harder to have a stepparent in the home than to be a single parent - everything I have read here indicates that it is - harder for the kids, harder for the adults too. Except maybe the father, in those cases where he steps back and lets/makes the SM do all the actual child care.

Yes, I trusted all my 14 year olds (5 so far) to do the right thing when it came to personal safety issues such as buckling up or wearing a helmet. Actually I trust my 12 year old as well.

Maybe not when they were six or seven - did any of you see the Rescue 911 episode where the six year old kid rides an ATV off what amounted to a small cliff bordering his driveway, and the ATV turned over on him? I don't think my kids will ever forget that episode.

This is a place for Kayla to get input & ask of other's trials & outcomes. She also got advice about seeking professional help, which she did/already had. Why don't you do some research for her & quit wasting your time here? Send her some stats, guidelines, info. Be of some use on this forum.

"Yes, I trusted all my 14 year olds (5 so far) to do the right thing when it came to personal safety issues such as buckling up or wearing a helmet. Actually I trust my 12 year old as well."

Dear, we are glad your children are perfect and have never made a bad choice or done something without thinking it fully through, weighing the consequenses and remembering what mommy said to do. You must sleep very soundly at night. But for the rest of the world, I think my statement above still applies -
*14 year olds should be old enough to know to wear a helmet. And 40 year old men should be old enough to know not to drink and drive. Obviously, just because you know you shouldn't do something doesn't keep everyone from doing it.*

JNM, You make total sense to me. I'm sure none of us here as teenagers went against anything our parents told us. I know I abided by everything instructed to me. I didn't drink before 21, never would I speed, & never tried smoking my Dad's cigarette butss. I wonder why they have all these teen warnings about smoking, pregnancy, std's, obesity. Why is insurance higher for teens? They are probably the safest drivers on the road.

Wearing a helmet is not something you have to think through. It is a no-brainer.

"This is a place for Kayla to get input & ask of other's trials & outcomes. She also got advice about seeking professional help, which she did/already had. Why don't you do some research for her & quit wasting your time here? Send her some stats, guidelines, info. Be of some use on this forum."

Misti, this is not the place for Kayla. She isn't asking about a typical stepfamily situation. The root of problem in all acutuality has nothing to do with stepfamilies.

Why should I do any research for her? I would gladly and have for people that have posted problems. Kayla has posted problems, excuses and a conflicting speculative story.

Because I too believe in researching things through. I don't have the attention span right now to do it. You are the one who suggested research so that is why I said you should do it. I think you're being judgemental. (My spelling has gotten terrible since out of the workforce).

Misti, sure think I'm judgemental. I have the right to think Kayla is not being truthful and taking us all for a ride.

Since you did suggest it, I did start pulling up some studies that link disturbed teenage behavior to sex abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse. Not sure that is what the OP wants to read since it doesn't really give any solutions other than to place the child in aggressive therapy and in a safe environment. Maybe I'll find something a little more constructive.

I realize I'm beating a dead horse, but I would think not drinking and driving would be a pretty big no brainer as well . . . especially since they have signs along the road and TV commercials warning against it. Not spraying your child with a high pressure car wash hose should be a no-brainer. Not putting your infant in a microwave should be a no-brainer. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Just because something is a no-brainer doesn't mean people *get it.* Just look at me for example - you never admitting you are off base is a no-brainer, but yet here I am arguing with you anyway!

The point is if it is a no-brainer, then it shouldn't be anyone else's fault if the person does it (or doesn't do it, as the case may be). If there are no signs telling you not to drink and drive, you don't get to blame the highway department for your DUI. Or the grandmother for the head injury - not that I would personally let my grandson ride without a helmet. I am sure some people would try to blame the highway department or whatever - witness the McD's hot coffee suit - but that doesn't make it right.

Are we still talking about a child here? Just wondering.

okay, I ended up just skipping to the bottom...but I have to say one thing that sticks out to me

Going to church and/or being a sunday school teacher does not make you trustworhty, stable, a good person... or any other positive thing that I can think of. It simply makes you someone who teaches sunday school and/or attends church... There are MANY MANY people that I have known that spout their virtues of I attend church every wednesday sunday and in between and I participate in this and that in the church and yet their actions outside of that do not reflect anything even remotely considered positive or even moral.

justnotmarthasaid:
Just because something is a no-brainer doesn't mean people *get it.* Just look at me for example - you never admitting you are off base is a no-brainer, but yet here I am arguing with you anyway!

Quite possibly the funniest thing EVER written on this forum!

"The point is if it is a no-brainer, then it shouldn't be anyone else's fault if the person does it (or doesn't do it, as the case may be)."

You are completely correct in that, TOS. The it's never my fault attitude is one of my biggest pet peeves - right up there with McD's hot coffee. But the underlying problem in this situation is that if the grandparents are going to take responsibility for this child shouldn't they feel the need to insure his safety, i.e. tell him to put on a helmet? If the neighbor kids come over here to play and go out to ride bikes I make darn sure they each have a helmet on because at that moment, their safety is my responsibility.

I don't think ATV's are safe to begin with, even with a helmet. Or hunting, with or without a license.

I personally have to agree with you there - not a fan of either. BUT - as far as this particular child goes if he is allowed to do these things I think the adult allowing them is accountable for making sure they are done as safely as possible. Agreed?

I think the adult SHOULD make sure that safety precautions are taken to the extent that they can, but I don't think that the OP should blame her mother if her son chooses not to wear a helmet or hunts without a license. In the case of the ATV, how hard is it to take off the helmet as soon as you are out of sight? It probably isn't all that hard to hunt without a license either, if there are guns in the house, or in his friends' houses.

But if there are no consequences for his actions.... he will continue to do as he pleases....

Unless the adult whose house he is at while riding the ATV makes sure he is wearing the helmet if not then that adult has to impose a consequence....

If the adult whose home has the weapons does not take precautions with the weapons and the child uses the weapons the adult is the one who needs to impose the consequence....

If the adults are not willing to impose a consequence the child will not learn responsibility for his own actions.

How on earth will the adult know whether or not the kid takes his helmet off?

checking on him paying attention to what the kids says....

you know being a responsible caregiver.

At some point you have to trust your kids to be sensible, unless you want to never let them out of your sight.

Uh-hmm...the OP has stated that the grandparents do not watch or babysit her son for her.

So, if he is not wearing a helmet it must be her fault.

if you paid attention, she said that when she lived with them, they did not babysit or watch them (assuming it was when they were smaller because she said they went to daycare) but now, as a teen, the son goes over to spend time, where he now rides ATV's and they don't make him wear a helmet or safety gear.

and I'll agree it could be her fault if she continues to let him go to the grandparents' house knowing they don't supervise him. But it's the grandparent's fault if they are the ones that are supposed to be supervising him and not doing it.

She said they don't watch or babysit him. She said that he doesn't wear a helmet while riding an atv there.

You can't have it both ways, which she has been trying to portray throughout her postings. She is independent and doesn't use them as babysitters, but when he is there they are not making him wear a helmet. So, either he is there where they are "supervising" (sounds an awful like watching or babysitting) or he is there with her and she is not making him wear a helmet.

I doubt they call it babysitting when it's a 14 year old. You can argue over using the correct words, watching, babysitting, visiting, etc. does it really matter? He rides the ATV at his grandparents house, not hers.

Well, when the OP started it by saying that when they do watch him they don't make him wear helmet, then denies that they do watch him and have helped her out....I think it does matter.

I'm on a website looking at atv's and every single ATV I have come across has an "Important Safety Information" Pop-up on the page that says " Recommended for experienced riders 16 years of age and older. _____ recommends that all ATV riders wear a helmet, take a training course, and read their owner's manual thoroughly.

Also here is a manual that I found online, please look at pages 7 & 12.

www.etonamerica.com/PDF/EA%20ATV%20Rider%20Safety%20Handbook.pdf -

Never allow a child to operate the ATV without adult supervision. (pg. 7)

Never operate an ATV without wearing an approved helmet that fits properly. You should also wear eye protection (goggles or face shield), gloves, boots, long-sleeved shirt or jacket, and long pants. (pg. 12)

I think having GPs watch teens can be tough. Unless teen understands not to test GPs.