Reread your post a few times and try and read it as though a friend was telling you her story, and the effect her new marriage was having on her children. What advice would you give her? It sounds as though your son is paying the price for you to have a man in your life.

After reading the step-parent forum, I am beginning to understand "why" we are advised to "wait" until our children are grown "Before" we remarry. I am reading alot of really sad situations on this forum where the "step" parent really despises the step kids. Can't be a wonderful thing as a kid to grow up in a home where you are hated, and you are too young to do anything about it...like be able to live somewhere else. For your son to come home after working hard in school, only to have his "new" step father at home every day making his life miserable.

***That said...I do want to throw in for balance, that you carefully look at whether your husband is simply being a JERK, in a power struggle with both your son and you, which is what it sounds like, since he refuses to consider your opinions in raising your own son, and he refuses to see a counselor to give you both perspective on whether the way your last child is being raised is damaging your son...or helping your boy become a man.

If I were in your shoes, I would NOT stick my head in the sand and ignore what is going on around me, because it is SO IMPORTANT that you are wide awake, paying very close attention to what the actualy dynamics are. What is the heart of the man you married towards your son? As you stand back an watch the dynamics of your husband towards your son...what is the tone of your husbands voice? What do his facial expressions tell you about his heart? Does he praise your son for the good things he does, and encourage him? Are there enough positive reinforcements "coming from your husband" towards your son, to balance what he is doing? Is his behavior fair and reasonable, or is he bullying your son in some power struggle that your child has no way of winning?

I think if you watch what is going on and tune your ear to what is actually being said and the tone it is being said in, you will know what to do. A mother knows when her children are not being treated right...by a friend, a teacher...and hardest of all...her own spouse. And a mother will protect her child if he is being treated wrong.

After re-reading your post a few times...I think you are actually very clear that your husband with his nasty temper, is hurting your son. And you are allowing this......WHY? Why are you not protecting your own child from this bully?

Reading your story makes me really sad - my younger brother is in the exact same situation as your son. He just turned 15 and is forced to live with my mom and her ridiculous husband, who I think is emotionally abusive to both of them. I won't retell my story as it is almost the same, even down to how my mom met her husband. I can tell you from experience though that this is affecting your son more than you even think it is, I see the way my brother appears to be taking all of this in stride - just a show, I've talked to him and he is so incredibly miserable, he equivalated living with them to living with my father and his wife (his wife was both physically and emotionally abusive, I suffer from the way in which she degraded him)! My mom's husband's behavior has affected every aspect of her life, I don't live with them and I only see my mom a couple of times a year, and I live only two hours from her. I have always been healthy; never suffered from mental or physical health, but when I visit them I get EXTREMELY sick, I throw up after almost evey meal and I can't sleep well - I am TERIFFIED that he will harm me. He also has an anger problem, so bad that his OWN daughter will no longer talk to him. We have advised my mother to get out of this QUICK, but she is in too deep and she is dragging my brother down with her. You realize there is a big problem - I wish my mom would too - for your son's and your relationship with your children and THEIR children, consider what you're doing and what would be best for all of you.

"my son has actually told me that he sometimes just wants to kill himself."

This in itself is VERY serious; get him to see a counselor. When a kid verbalizes thoughts of suicide, it is serious and needs immediate attention.

Call a counselor for your son (and perhaps yourself) today.

Thank you to bnicebekind, outinthecld, and amberjul for your response and insights. I want to say that first of all, I am protective of my son. I also worry sometimes that my son takes advantage of things and can be a bit manipulative. The day that I wrote my original post, my husband had gotten into one of his moods and there were a bad scene.

This past weekend, however, while my husband was gone, I asked my son to do something (move some wood behind the garage) and he refused to do so. I should tell you that my son was in the store with me shopping one evening and he went to look at the baseball cards while I was in the grocery dept. When I went to look for him, I was paged. Going to find him, thinking he paged me, I found that he had been stopped for shoplifting--which was pretty confusing since neither of us had left the store and he had over $30 in his pocket that I had given him earlier. Anyway, the store made me pay $200.00 to them as they can charge the parent 10x what the kid is allegedly stealing. My husband and I agreed that he had to work it off. Actually, I was quite humiliated and upset and couldn't even speak. My husband actually surprised me and was the calm one and talked to my son. Since that time, even though it was agreed that my son had to work off the $200 with chores, he refuses to do them (usually when it is just me around) and this weekend when my husband was not home, my son got very angry with me, called me names, threw my kitchen chairs around, hit things, slammed the doors, etc. My son is getting to be a good size guy and truthfully, I am not sure I could live with him alone any more.

AS for protecting my son, I do. When my husband went after my son once like he was going to hit him, I stopped him and I told him that he or anyone would ever put a hand to my son. I stood my ground and looked him in his face and he knows that I am dead serious about that.

Yes, I do feel that some sort of counseling is needed so we can set some guidelines as to what our rights and responsibilities are. Such as, I would never spank one of stepgrandchildren and I don't expect my husband to spank mine...he sees it differently.

I have again talked with my husband and I have taken the advice of a counselor in that if my husband loves me, I should be able to get him to see my reasoning. I think he does love me because I did stand up to him and say to him that I do not want to "castrate" him in our home and make him feel like he is not the man of the house, however; I cannot raise my son in fear. I told him that I do not like his temper; I cannot deal with people with bad tempers and if he did not learn to control his temper and learn to think a bit differently, that I would have to let this relationship go. I told him that I did love being married to him and I love the large family that we have together and I love the grandkids, but if that was the way that he raised his kids (I suspect it was and I suspect that was how he was raised, also), that he needed to think differently. I also came up with some compromises for my son and our rules, which he agreed to and I did let him know firmly that we needed to work on this and that I did think counseling was needed. His daughter told me that he had tried counseling before and it failed. I have been to counseling quite a long time for the depression, etc. of my first divorce, the relationship, tragedies, etc., so I do have insight into what needs to be done.

I was a very self-sufficient, independent woman, yet now at my husband's request have lowered my income and work at home. This is all right as now I am here for my son when he gets home and I am here when he goes to school, too.

I wonder if my husband doesn't have a hormone or chemical or sugar imbalance that brings on his moods as he gets very upset with himself when he gets upset. I am working on the rules and have talked with my son and asked him to work with me. My son knows I love him and I will try to look after his best interests.

So, I do appreciate your comments and I wanted to let you know that I will not stick my head in the sand, I am workikng to resolve the issues, I am looking into counseling, and yes, I do protect my son. But, I simply needed to know if I was being one-sided towards my son as a mom and a stepchild myself, was I being unfair to my husband? The thing is, when you talk to someone, it can get you thinking...sometimes my son is in the wrong and sometimes my husband does overreact to things and goes way out of proportion. These are the issues that need to be worked on...now, just to find the right counselor to help with that.

Thanks again

Christine,
I have a brother that was a big problem. My dad would come home from work tired, hungry and sometimes annoyed by something that happened at work, the traffic, or whatever. Anyway, my little brother didn't get much attention and now that I'm an adult--I think that he was a depressed child. He had a learning disability that nobody understood. When he would do something dumb (he did alot of that), my dad would loose his patience and instead of taking his son onto his lap and instructing my brother--he would start his ranting. Mom would feel sorry for the little fellow and let him do just about anything. He became a brat. I don't ever remember him being a happy person. To this day, he is not responsible for anything. Everything in his life is the result of someone else--the good and the bad.

I'm not comparing anything here...just something to consider.