Step daughter and new baby

23 years ago

My husband has a daughter who'll turn 7 in 2 months. The same month, my first daughter Katie will be born. I am 22 year old, and my husband is 25. When we told her mother we were having a baby, she turned it into a big ordeal and refused to allow us to tell SD about the baby. Eventually the time came when we'd have to tell her because she was coming to visit (she lives 5 hours away so we don't see her on an every other weekend basis, but we get her for at least a week at a time). Her mother said she wanted to be the one to tell her, we said fine. We then recieved a call from her mother saying that SD did not want a sister. Well, there was nothing we could do about that. When we picked SD up she was very excited to see us and come visit. She told us that her mother said she wasn't going to have a real sister, that this was only a half sister, so it didn't count, and she was afraid she wouldn't be able to come visit anymore because we'd be too busy with "our" daughter. Her father went on to explain that we were not having a half baby and that Katie and her would be sisters regardless of what her mother said. She seemed to understand. When my husband spoke to her mother about saying they were ONLY half sisters she said we were being stupid. We've never had any problems with SD adjusting to having me around since she was very young, and we get along great. SD is excited to play with the baby crib and seems anxious for Katie to arrive, what we don't want is SD to feel less important because of Katie. Is it wrong for us to tell her they are sisters?? She'll never have a whole full blooded sister, why do we have to label everyone?? SD is the only one that is going to be affected by ONLY being a half sister, she'll soon realized that yes, Katie will get more attention from us, because she'll live with us all the time. Has anyone else been in this situation?? How do you explain to a 7 year old that she's not being replaced even though she gets that impression from her birth mom?? We've already taken as many precautions as we can think of, instead of the girls having their own rooms, they will share a play room, and share a bedroom, that way, there is no saying these are Katies toys, or Katies room. Im just so confused.

~Shari

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Comments (17)

blueheron
23 years ago
I think you are doing the right thing by emphasizing that they are sisters, period. You want them to be friends for their lifetime.

As to sharing a room, I'm not sure that's such a good idea, (if you have a choice). A seven year old has different interests from a newborn. And you want to keep her toys from being broken by the new baby. Don't try to treat them exactly alike but emphasize the uniqueness of each of them. I know mothers that insist that others buy the EXACT same present for each of their children. This encourages rivalry, it doesn't eliminate it. Each child is different and has different needs and interests.
stacey446
23 years ago
a friend of mine has a little framed picture in her house. On it she has a saying "Sisters by birth friends by choice"..I think you are doing a great job and it sounds like the big sister is excited. It also sounds like BM is jelous. The having different rooms might be a good idea like Blueheron posted. Why do we have to label everyone? Sad.....
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Janis_G
23 years ago
I don't have any "whole" sisters or brothers if you want to call it that.
I do have two sisters that I love with all my heart. We are sisters period. We had the same wonderful mother who loved us more than life and I had a stepdad who although he wouldn't have won father of the year didn't make a difference between us.

You have the opportunity to be a role model to not one but two little girls. Just don't overdo the (everything the same) thing.
The older one will need her space and so will the baby.

If you and the father always use the sister word when you speak of the baby she will always think of her in that way.
Especially if you and your DH show her and her sister that you love and respect each other and that you love and respect them. Always include her when you are holding the baby. Give her a hug and tell her how lucky you and her dad are to have such beautiful little girls.
You can't miss. You are going to be a wonderful mom and stepmom. It can be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do.
One of the things my stepdad always did when we met someone new and he introduced us. He always said these are our children then he would introduce all of us starting with me because I was the oldest. I was never called the stepdaughter.
Good luck,don't let the BM and her problems "rent space in your head". You have more important things to do.

Janis
RosieL
23 years ago
My sister has a father that is not the same as mine. If anyone would ever tell me that she was only half sister to me ... I would knock them out cold!!!! I have sisters and brothers. Without paternity tests, I could not tell you who their fathers are and I don't care. I would never ever cheat a child of real love from any source and when the parents are longgone ... they will have only one another. Only a selfish, self-centered person would cheat their child of love.
SaturnsAngel
Original Author
23 years ago
Our main problem with seperating their rooms now is that the SD room has basically become the babies room. The other room in the house hasn't opened up yet for anyone to have because we are kicking out a roomate. But he'll be gone next month. SD has already expressed the fact about which toys and which things are hers, and that's fine, because they are hers, but with her turning 7 she's quickly growing out of those toys. We planned to put a bed in the other room, and let her move in that room when she was ready, giving her the option to either sleep in the same room as the baby, or to sleep in the other room, so she didn't feel like we were kicking her out of room that was hers to begin with. Plus the other room will have a television in it. We let her choose the nursery theme so she felt included, but she's only down for a total of a month and half to two months a year anyways. She says she doesn't want her own room but I think that will change especially on her summer visits when she stays for longer periods.

~Shari
User
23 years ago
Shari -
Can you keep her up to date on the sister by sending videos (and ask her to make some videos for the baby to watch when she's older).

One explaining how she picked the room decor, for starters, and some of what she does when she's not at her father's house.
stacey446
23 years ago
you are a very sweet lady...
mom_2_4
23 years ago
Sounds to me like SD's BM is jealous ...

All of our kids call each other "sister" or "brother" there is no "step" or "half". Brother or sister -- period. Partly because it can get confusing, partly because that's just how they see themselves.

When our youngest was born, my SD was a bit jealous because prior to that she was the "baby". Now they are best of friends.

BM is planting ideas and negativity into your SD's head. You can only control this to a certain extent, but try to temper her negative attitude with postitive stuff, just like you are doing. Your SD will soon call her new sibling "sister" despite what her BM has to say.
whazzup
23 years ago
I'd get her a shirt that says "I'm The Big Sister" and make sure she wears it! It does sound to me like the BM is jealous. You sound like you are a very smart lady and you'll do a good job of helping the sisters bond. I would just keep bragging about what a great big sister she's going to be and how lucky Katie is going to be to have her as a big sis.
whazzup
23 years ago
By the way, it sure is refreshing to hear from a woman who loves her step child - truly.
Mikkella
23 years ago
My Sd is 12 and we just had a baby in Sept. I made sure she was at the hospital right after I had her, I got all the kids these silly "I'm a big brother" "I'm a big Sister" ribbons with the baby's picture on them, had SD help me decorate the baby's room, she helped me do the crib, fold the clothes, even took her shopping and let her pick out her sisters coming home outfit, which she was all proud of.... I tried everything to make sure she was included, and none of it helped. She's still jealous, BM still tells her it's not her "real" sister,that I mean nothing to her, and neither do any of MY kids....separating us by words, but not in heart...don't lose heart, as it may get worse before it gets better. BM's have this thing about not being the ONLY ONE to have hubby's child. They use the kids which is wrong, but they do it anyways.
brandym
23 years ago
Mikella. not all mothers are like that. I know plenty of mothers who wanted their children to get to know their fathers family but the stepparents were so jealous that they made it impossible.
Mikkella
23 years ago
you sure do have issues with me don't u brandym?? LMAO@U
brandym
23 years ago
I don't even know you. I only know that you seem to talk bad about all mothers. I had an evil witch of a stepmother. I have not even told my dad about my pregnanct and I am almost 6 months into it. I don't want his wife to have anything to do with my child and if I have to keep him out as well then so be it. I get sick of hearing "oh poor stepmother. all mothers are horrible. i feel so sorry for you." What about all the mothers who have to listen to their children cry because they dont want to go to the dad's house because the stepmother tries to make them feel like they are cast aways? They can't do anything about it because if they do the stepmothers tell everyone who will listen how much of a witch the mom is.
mom_2_4
23 years ago
Brandy, how can you complain about your Dad if you don't give him a chance? Have you explained to him -- honestly and openly -- that you'd like him to be a part of your child's life, but because of the way your SM treated you and your siblings (sister, I believe?), that you don't want SM in either your or your baby's life. Perhaps he can visit you alone. If you feel that strongly, why not tell him that you'd like to see HIM, but you'd rather not spend time with HER. You have nothing to lose. He may not be aware of just how awful she was. And if he was aware of her wicked actions and did nothing, then why bother? Write them both off and quit complaining. Be thankful for your mate, your new child on the way and all the wonderful relationships in your life, don't dwell on the past and things that can't be changed. Wouldn't it be awesome to put it all behind you?
brandym
23 years ago
Ok first off I have put it all behind me. I wrote them off 2 years ago. My mom was and is a wonderful woman and I hate it when people lump all ex wives into a category because my mom was an ex wife and had to put up with a woman who said terrible things about her. I'm not going to get into all that has went on in the past with my dad and stepmom because they both are a waste of flesh and are no longer any concern of mine.
Mikkella
23 years ago
Brandym
I'm sorry to hear you have had a hard time, it's good that you have dealt with those issues, and are moving on with your life. Congrats on the new baby!!

And no I don't talk bad about "All mothers" only my SD BM. If you knew the psycho you'd realize why I complain the way I do. Ever hear of P.A.S.? It's what BM does to SD as a way of manipulating our lives. It's wrong to use a child in any way, but what Bm does is VERY wrong, and I won't sit and take it.

I also am the "ex wife" I am a SM, I am a BM... I know all sides to the coin. I'm sorry your SM was evil, but that doesn't make us all evil. I complain so much about BM because I want what is best for my SD, unlike her, who see's her daughter as a cash cow. When one openly admits this to us, as she did, you just want to reach out and smack her like hey, this is a KID, with feelings and everything....not some freaking way to make money.

Step daughter and new baby

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