and tell DH that you will send him your new address so he can forward your mail .

LOL Minnie. You all are killing me today.

Just say, "No." Don't dress it up with, "Maybe later" or "Not for a month" (because then they will say, "Oh, just two weeks then"), or give excuses such as study or illness or redecorating (because then they will assume another time will be OK). Just, "I'm sorry but it's not possible for us to have guests. Here's the names/numbers of some motels. I hope we can get together for a visit while you're here." Repeat as necessary. As others have said, insist your husband man up and back you on this one.

The one thing I notice is that you are pretty good at coming up reasons that you can't do this or you can't do that but the simple truth is....It's your home and family or not, you don't want them there........It's up to you to tell them so and if you do it nicely and they get upset...to freaking bad........it's wrong, rude and very inconsiderate of them to do that to you so do you really care if they get upset.

Ummm sweetie, they come for a month -- the next thing is that they will move in with you for the rest of the winter! All they are looking for is a free 'snowbird' visit.. And as a sidebar, you cannot begin to imagine how your utility bills will escalate!! Ask anyone who has had a baby!!

who has an entire month off for vacation? are they out of work, or retired?

Answer these questions:

Why are they wanting to come?
Do you and DH really like them and enjoy their company?
Have you visited them and freeloaded in the past?
Are yours DH's and pets' physical and mental health of more importance than the possible guilt that you might have in refusing?
Are you able to brace yourself to saying a definite NO?

The other posters have given some good advice, so whatever you decide you know the KTers are supporting you.

No. NOOOOOO. NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Pick one. It will work! :)

Blessings,
Haley

I am amazed that anyone would be able to go somewhere for a month first of all, don't they have jobs or obligations? Are they coming to live off of you and your food and generosity?
I really have a hard time wrapping my mind around it!
I would never have that problem since my family and his work and could not do such a thing but I sure would not hesitate to say sorry that is just not something we are prepared to deal with, we would love to see you for a couple of days then if you wanted to spend time up in this area vacationing we could help you find hotels and fun destinations and even camp grounds but we both have lives that do not avail us to an extended visit. PERIOD. And really it should be HIM to do this since it is HIS family.

supporting her????? I don't know.......I would more than likely think she was foolish if she allowed them to imposed their will on she and husband.

I actually came back to this thread to say that I asked my DH what he would do and he answered exactly as I thought he would and then he said..........

Tell her if she wants me to handle it for her, I'll be glad to because I would never allow anyone, family or otherwise to take advantage of the two of us....so let me know, I'll make him available.....

You can say all day long ..."It's not as simple as that"...but I assure you that it is........Just say no...you have that right.

They invited themselves, they want to bring their dog, they plan on staying a month. Now I ask you, would you really miss someone like that being a part of your life? Who cares if they get offended. If you never hear from them again it would be a blessing. Tell them it is not possible for you to put them up but if they are interested in seeing the area you will send them a list of motels that are pet friendly and MAYBE you could get together for dinner ONE night with them. Final, finish, period!!!

I can only imagine the turmoil you're feeling, Janie. And if you leave and go to a motel with Ara, you're setting this up to happen every time they want to come.

You have to be firm. "No, company is not doable because of our work and school schedules. You might think you're no trouble, but the truth is, ANY company is trouble and you know it. We'll let you know when we have a 3-day weekend for a visit. It's not a visit if we have to work and study, that's just us being used by you as a free motel and restaurant.If you show up anyway, I'll be directing you to a motel." Then you don't even have to address the dog issue. My answer to that would be "No, no dogs allowed in this house of cats. I won't risk my cats being upset because you wouldn't put Frisky in a kennel." Statements of fact, they're hard to argue with. Upset cats do all kinds of horrible things, like peeing on the carpet. You CAN'T afford to have that happen.

I'm sorry Erik isn't standing firm on this. But if you leave, you risk untold damage to the house and other cats and you'll have no control and a LOT of resentment towards them and Erik. If he won't help you stop this, you'll have to do it yourself. Be the bad guy. One of you has to. Two is better, but one will do.

Who are these people? Parents? Like the others have said, they don't care about you or your feelings. They let a cat out and laughed? I'd have kicked their @sses out that very day and never looked back.

I like the bags by the door routine, except people like these would say "Oh, we'll house sit for you!" Ack! lol

If they stay in a hotel, they will probably be at your house eating and irritating every waking minute.

Seems the problem is your DH not wanting any confrontations.
If you knew you could say what's on your mind and he would back you up 100 percent it wouldn't be so bad.
As long as they feel they can push you around they will, they don't respect you, why give them that kind of control
over you.
I hope you and your DH can show a united front.

Just say No. No excuses necessary. Who cares if you offend these clods?
I had an aunt and uncle who came to visit in their motor home. They had two poodles. They were told ahead of time the poodles could not come in the house because I had a cat who hated dogs. They showed up at the front door with the poodles and I told them "no dogs in the house". They insisted the dogs were used to cats and came in. It did not take long for my cat to swat one of the dogs in the nose with her claws and they put the poodles in the motor home! I did not apologize for the cat's actions. No apology needed.

Tell them you had plans on renting out your spare rooms and if you have to lose that income for a month they will need to pay the same amount your border was paying and of course the borders have to provide their own food LOL

bet when you mention money things will change.

I agree that you shouldn't come up with excuses. Just tell the truth! I think I would say something to the effect of "This is going to be difficult because we care about you and don't want to offend. But I have to tell you that visitors for a month, no matter who they are, just doesn't work for us. In fact, anything longer than a few days, such as a long weekend, is really too much for us. We hope you can understand and talk with us about a time when you can visit for a few days. As you know, our household doesn't lend itself to a visiting dog, so I'm sure it'll take you some time to find an alternative for your dog while you're with us. Now, let's talk about some date possibilities".

I just don't like the idea of giving excuses, whether it's for something like this, going somewhere that you don't really want to, doing something you don't want to, etc. Just lay it out gently. The other person should (if lucid and reasonable) respect that you were straight and not jerky/mean. It also takes away their ability to argue or look for another time when the excuse is over (such as too busy with school, etc.)

Thanks all. They have never mentioned any of this to me- they may sense how I would respond if they did. I wish they would. I keep hoping it will stay at the talking stage. But wanted to get feedback that this really was as crazy as I thought it was.

They want to come and visit (and maybe make day trips places while we are at work). We used to enjoy their company when we lived in GA but that was for a few hours at a time. When we visit family, DH stays with them at their invitation. I do not- I stay with my parents (we visit for less than a week and we are both invited to stay at the respective houses). And we have a cat sitter that stops by our house every other day to check on the cats.

Mingo, They swear it was not intentional but I have never believed that. They were leaving the next morning and once I got Elmo back in the house- all three cats and I went to bed even though it was no where near bedtime. I was pissed, am pissed (and it happened two years ago, yes, I am holding a grudge).

This will be an ongoing discussion in our house for the next couple of months. Ruthieg, tell your DH thanks- I will keep him in mind!

Just for thought--sit down with your husband and really talk it out. He does know how you feel because you indicated that when you go to visit, you stay at your relatives--he at his, which kind of opens the door for a bit. What we do when we travel, if we were not in a RV park, but driving the car we checked into a motel first--that took care of most of the problems. Of course after we moved a couple of times, found out the road only runs one way--we were too far, but were told come see us. Again, if we were in the area, we stayed at motels. The met for dinner/supper, visit, maybe day or so, and said we had reservations x number of miles away. Works great. I really don't like people in my home when we were gone, except our kids especially youngest DD. Boy was my house clean when we got back from traveling. She was my animal sitter, taking care of house, working full time. Of course took me weeks to find anything--we still laugh over it. None of his relatives have ever stayed with us, nor have we stayed with them. Just be honest with your husband and the relatives and say we cannot have guests at this time, and here are some motels/hotels that you can stay at.We can meet at XX restruant or after discussion with DH, have a either Sat or Sun bar-b-que, and would prefer you did not bring your dog. End of discussion.

I do not remember where I heard this saying, but I think it applies to your situation-

Rude people do not deserve your politeness or your consideration.

So, do not worry if you offend them, although I would as politely as possible, tell them to stick a month in their ear and certainly don't bring their dog...and any more than 3 days is too much...after all, more than 3 days guest are like fish, they begin ALL begin to stink.. I mean REALLY, who do these people think they ARE!! for goodness sake!!

Gad, there's no way I'd have relatives visiting for a month not to mention the dog. I would tell DH to tell them what is an acceptable visit and if he cannot bring himself to confront the situation I'd tell him I was going to do it myself. Fortunately my DH does not act like yours. He also subscribes to the 3 day fish rule for houseguests - whether we are the visitors or are having the visitors.

Um, maybe your husband WANTS them to visit. Perhaps not for a month. But it does sound like he doesn't mind spending time with them, if he stays at their house while he is there. Perhaps he feels it is "returning the favour" and just doesn't want to tell you, since you really seem upset about it.

For me, whether or not I could handle a month would depend on who it was and what the circumstances were. If it was a month long visit by a relative, well.....that would be too long. If it was a relative that just needed a place to stay for a month, then that is different. And there IS a difference.

((Janie)). If they do come, at least you can come here and complain ever day - tee hee!

Dances.

...and make sure to leave it up on your screen in their full view.

Well now you know that we're all on your side! The only thing I can add is to practice saying "Gee I'm sorry, a month won't work for us...but we can manage one week .... the week of March 4 to 10 (you select the definite dates) would work. But I insist no dogs in our home."

Then have a list of kennels ready just in case. But you must practice saying this out loud.

And I don't think you need to wait for them to bring it up with you, YOU should bring it up with them, no matter how hard it will be to do.

"Hi, so and so- lol

Erik says you are planning to come visit with your dog for a month. Wow! A month? I guess he doesn't want to be the bad guy, so I have to say this- a month is too long and the dog is a deal breaker, our cats just won't tolerate that and I don't expect them to try. If you guys want to come on our next 3 day weekend, that would be great and I'll get back to you with dates, since we're unable to make firm plans right now. Just remember though, our house is a dog-free zone, no exceptions! Thanks for understanding!

Love,
Janie and Erik."

Could you send something like that? It's nothing personal, not in a bad way.

You know it is one thing if it is family that is in need, it is another if they are just visiting. If it is the latter then there is a limit as to how long one should be expected to extend hospitality. A week is long enough! And under NO circumstances should they bring a dog into a home and upset the household. I would give them a list of kennels and if they show up with the dog in tow anyway, I would absolutely board it.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

Add my name right there with wildchilds and Moni's,and like Dr Phil says,JUST SAY NO!!!!

I can't even imagine doing that to someone,how rude.
Kathi

I have had my first DH's mother, father, sister and aunt come to visit (not all at the same time) for 3 or 4 weeks at a time. The difference? They were here from Ireland and didn't get to see DH but once every few years. Of course we always stayed with some of them when we visited Ireland.

For anyone else the long weekend would be way more than enough.

Just say "NO!".

Linda

Is this your dh's parents? Is this why they think they can just fit into every day life, not expecting to be entertained? I don't get it either, coming for a month is way to long. Possibly there is something that makes them feel they can be there for so long. If they are just thoughtless wonderers (or even parents), then being as direct and kind as possible, seems to be the answer.

"I have no problem being the bad guy and telling them that the dog is not allowed in the house. They can either leave it at home or it can stay at the hotel while they are at our house."

I'm a bit confused... This gives me the impression that they are going to be sleeping/staying at a hotel, not at your house, but that they plan on spending a lot of time at your house "visiting."

You certainly don't have the right to tell them they can't come to the area and stay at a hotel at their own expense, no matter how long they're going to be there.

But, you DO have the right to tell them that they can't spend every day at your house.

I'll disagree with the idea of inviting them, without dog, for a three-day weekend. Not without hotel reservations. I think that the line in the sand has to be drawn firmly, completely. Later, if you change your mind, you can invite them to stay for three days, but they've already demonstrated that they are clueless and inconsiderate, so don't fall for sob stories and don't let down your guard!

Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad person because I would not leave anyone in my house with out me there except my Mom or two of my 3 sisters. Relatives are only human, some good and some not so good. One of my step daughters got married and groom's wallet was stolen by a member of his family. It had the honeymoon money in it. Since you don't know me or my family personally I can tell you this. My sis and her husband stayed with their son until their new home was ready to move in to. My own sis went through all their drawers looked at all of their bills and personal papers. After she moved out she read her DIL's emails on line because they had given her the pass word. To trust someone in my home I have to know them a very long time before I would let them stay alone in my home.

No offense but I would bet the relatives will come to your home and will spend a month there, because no one will tell them no. Your husband may not want them there, but he doesn't want to be the baddy. He is leaving it up to you to do the dirty work.

Threats, lies and excuses. All three come back to bite you in the butt so many time and I'm constantly amazed at how many liars are on this forum! LOL Threats, lies and excuses all open the door to them considering it an invite. "Sick" Oh, we'll help take care of you! "Too busy, spring cleaning, painting, toenail clipping..." Oh, we'll be able to help you with that. Buford is *great* with that stuff! And the silliest one, bags by the door. We'll take you to the airport and pick you up! You'll need someone to watch your house, take in the mail and feed the cats. Get the idea? When you say no, you don't have these problems.

Elmo went through his "excellent adventure" not long ago. Do you really want to risk that again or are you ready to stand up to them? Sorry, but time to be blunt here. They may well let all the cats out this time.

One thing I've found is most all pet owners are more concerned about their pets than others but moreso with dog owners. Not unlike smokers in a lot of ways. There's some exceptions and I consider myself to have been a very considerate dog owner when I had one but dogs are higher maintenance, more dependent upon their owners and owners treat them more like a human baby than do owners of birds, fish, cats ferrets, etc. (That's going to start a lot of barking but so be it. LOL)

One thing you MUST do now is get the names of several kennels and tape them to the phones. Every phone. Then when it comes up, "ABC Kennels, DogKennelPlus and WokUrDog are all near the hotel strip. Do you want the numbers? I have them right here." Maybe they'll get the idea. Make it clear that the dog isn't welcome and that could well solve the problem. They care more about their dog than they care about you. That's probably why he let Elmo out that time.

People like this don't take hints. People like this don't take excuses. Lies? C'mon, they're pros! I had people who invited themselves to come to my place, stay with me, have me cook them Thanksgiving dinner (they'd even pay for the turkey!) and then leave their two crazy dogs (one that has a history of biting people) with me for an indeterminate time while they went to visit other relatives. That was it, I put my foot down.

Another time some people couldn't take a hint, I tried the stupid excuses and they wouldn't give in. I left for the day. I went and saw some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I had a great time and after thinking about it, it'll never happen again. And hasn't. Domus maia, regulai maia (My house, my rules.)

And enough of peoples' own excuses "it's his family" or "it's your family". Mule fritters! You got married - it's now *your* family! One big "happy(?)" dysfunctional family. Thus, it's every bit your problem too. And that's irrelevant anyway since the issue is that they're disrupting your life and lifestyle. Who, and whose makes no difference. If your husband isn't helping, maybe he wants them and is lying to you about it, making excuses and the like and doesn't want to make waves with you.

I'd also make it clear that they stay at a hotel. If you enjoy their company in limited amounts as it sounds, then just make it clear that when you come to town, let us know what hotel you're at and we can come see you at the hotel and maybe meet for dinner someplace. Have a nice night out and each go back "home". Again keep the kennel numbers handy.

My house, my sanity, my pets and my stuff all come before them until I want them and invite them, according to my rules. And if you break the rules you're out quick.

So, how's Elmo been? :)

Janie - I don't think you DH needs to "man up". Some people's personalities don't allow them to stand up against family if it means causing hurt/ticked-off feelings. Doesn't make him a bad guy, it's just who he is. Sometimes we have to step in and bail out our partners. If you're capable of doing the dirty work, then do it. If not, then you'll be having houseguests. :)

I just let them read my house rules:

1. This is MY house therefore I make the rules and they may be subject to change without notice.

2. I am a smoker, therefore my house is an authorized smoking area, anyone who objects is welcome to go sit on the porch.

3. Since I am on a fixed income, if your hungry you may use the kitchen to prepare YOUR FOOD and clean up your own mess.

4. Kitchen closes at 7PM, no exceptions

5. Laundry closes at 6pm

6. If your looking for the guest room kindly note the four military sleeping bags and air mattreses rolled up on the floor in the hall closet.

7. No radio, TV or other form of audio entertainment after 10pm.

8. Hooting and hollering at sports on TV will not be tolerated.

9. Absolutely NO ALCOHOL

10. If you bring illicit controlled substances into my house you need not worry about the cops catching you,,I already called them.

11. Absolutely no pets or livestock in my house, (Randy,,that includes that old heifer you live with).

Lazypups, I like your list. With a bit of tweaking it would work great for the front door! By the way is Randy a sibling?

Janie, I have been following this post. Reason being, I watched the same situation play out in my own home in the 1940's. We had relatives that lived 50 miles away and never knew what weekend they would show up about 4 on Friday and stay until after Sunday dinner. This family had two daughters about the same age as myself. My mother would wait on them hand and foot. Here I am in my seventies, and I can still remember those weekends that took place about once every two months. My mother hated every moment they were there. We kids were the only ones that ever heard how much they resented those folks coming, and trust me heard about it for weeks, BUT the Friday their car would roll in it was all smiles and let me wait on you for every waking moment. Here is what I took away from that situation. If you would meet me, you would probably think that little tiny southern lady would never say no. Those years watching through my eyes made me very strong to say what I really felt inside. I have no problem whatsoever speaking the truth to this day. After watching all the dancing around the truth as a child, I walked away knowing I would never do this to myself or my family. Yes, I am a very polite person, but have lived knowing "the truth will set me free". I ran into one of the daughters years later, first thing she said to me, " we loved all the weekends with your parents. The weekends we weren't there, daddy would fly us to New York, and we always said your mother is a better cook than anyone in New York". Fly to New York, on my weekends as a child, we went into town in a wagon with one horse. The truth works for me everyday of the week.

I've already voiced my opinion about how you could handle it, so won't do that again. I just want to comment on how many people wouldn't welcome people into their homes even just for a couple or few days. Now, unless you're talking about people you really don't like, I am surprised by the inhospitality.

When I have relatives or friends visiting I'd never tell them they're not welcome in my home and have to go to a hotel (and remember, I'm talking about 2-3 days; some of you have suggested that even then people must stay at a hotel).

I like having company and I like my friends. I am happy to share my home and my time with them. Maybe you're all suggesting a hotel for people you don't like. I can understand that (although I might bite the bullet; not sure).

And some of those "rules"? Oh my. Perhaps it's tongue-in-cheek, but very unfriendly and cold.

Just my opinion.

When we visit family, DH stays with them at their invitation. I do not- I stay with my parents (we visit for less than a week and we are both invited to stay at the respective houses).
Is this his parents or siblings? How are they related?

Since he (DH) has stayed with them a week at a time (with invitation), I'd maybe try to suck it up, and 'permit' a weekend visit, complete with their dog. Anything that necessitates them being in your home alone while you are away, just should not be agreed to, because of 'your' pets.

If they are wanting to make day trips while in the state/area, maybe they could just hit the road Mon-Fri and then come back on Fri night.

I didn't read the other responses, so this might be redundant.

My inlaws did the exact same thing.... brought two dogs and wanted to buy an African Gray Parrot while they were staying here. (Not sure how they thought they would get it back to Georgia, but whatever.)

They moved in for the month and I moved out. I had given my husband a choice in the beginning.... tell them no, or out I go. He chose to stay mum, so I went to a hotel and stayed for two weeks. He finally got fed up with entertaining his family and not having me around and he sent them packing. I realize this is a drastic approach but this has been going on with us for a few years, so if that was the only thing that worked, so be it. They haven't invited themselves since and I am confident that if they do, he will get over his "fear of confrontation" and tell them no.

I love visitors.

"...complete with their dog."

Absolutely not. Even if they say the dog is used to cats, your cats are not used to dogs. That's turning the cats' life upside down. Absolutely, 100% no to including their dog.

Suzieque, you're very generous, and I hope your family members are wonderful. But in the situation described, these 'visitors' have already demonstrated their lack of consideration on prior visits. Janie needs to draw that line and be firm about it. She's describing people who have reasons, excuses, whining ways of trying to get around her. I'm happy that so many people here ARE saying that they would also not welcome the people. If someone abuses your hospitality, I hope that you also are able to stand up for yourself and not be pushed around.

Yes, sushipup - I am in complete agreement about the relatives that Janie has described. I wouldn't want them at my house and I would absolutely have the conversation with them that I described in my first response. They'd not be welcome.

In my subsequent post, I was really referring to other posts about what I thought was people's feelings about guests in general.

I think we all have different tolerances for guests. Some of us love a houseful of people, others of us can't take that much togetherness. Some of us are virtual hermits. It can feel like a violation of one's personal space to have people in the house.

It's a large range of reactions and I'm not at all surprised to hear people express their feelings. For someone to feel at home with company in their home, well, some people just can't feel comfortable about it. I stress about it completely, for example. For some visitors, my house must be perfect, for other visitors not so much. I don't sleep as well when other people are in the house. I'm worried about what groceries I have and what my guests want, and it's stressful. At the end of only a couple of days, I feel like I've been through the wringer. Even the people I love the most, it's stressful.

This sort of thing can make you sick -- and it sounds as though it's already given you *ill-feelings* about your DH.

This isn't the Middle East, where you must provide hospitality to anyone who asks.

I hope you will set your priorities right, consider your own health and happiness, and write them the 'No Visitors' note. Don't embelish it. Just say you've heard they thought about coming to visit and you want to give them plenty of notice that you are not entertaining ANY visitors -- not them, not anyone.

The last time I tried to accommodate a self-invited houseguest I came down with the shingles two days after they left. 'Entertaining' is not my nature.

For me, it completely depends on who is visiting. Some people, I wish they'd never leave, I love when they're here and it's so much fun and we get along great. Others, I can tolerate for a few days. Some, I wish they wouldn't come at all. UNINVITED can stay home, I would freak if that happened, I would not be prepared for company.

My brother and SIL came for about a week last summer. They stayed with us to save on motel bills while they spent most of their time at our parents' house. (This was my idea, they have 2 boys in college.) Next time, SIL can leave my brother at home! lol I remembered how odd he was while he was here. :) It was great to get our house back to normal after they left.

There's not a soul on earth I can say I love enough to have stay here for a month. Even my favorite sister. A few years ago, a family member had back surgery and "forgot" he couldn't drive for six weeks. So the two of them were here for about 8 weeks. We've always been close but I was about ready to lose my mind. I had absolutely no privacy. And I need my quiet, me time.

You've had tons of advice. I think you should let your husband read these replies and then the two of you have a talk. I don't think they realize that while HIS life may not change much, yours will change drastically. The cooking, cleaning, extra laundry and entertaining are left to the wives most of the time (not always, but I'd bet money on more wives doing these things than their husbands). Maybe he needs to see it from your perspective.

Won't repeat what I've already said, just to add that I bend over backwards to make guests feel comfortable. I tolerate a lot when they don't realize they're bothering me or instance. However when it gets to the point they're taking advantage of you or abusing the privilege, that's where I say draw the line.

When I stay someplace, I always make the bed. It might not be to their standards, but I try. At least it's presentable. And I always assist with prep/cleanup if they invite me for a meal, try to cook a meal for them and/or take them out for a meal or something while I'm there. I look at it as simple courtesy. Few animals bother me so theirs wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't bother them if they didn't like attention. When I had the dog I only stayed with friends once, simply because I said no thanks, I had the dog with and didn't want to cause people trouble, but these folks said no problem, having him was fine. I was very careful to watch him closely and keep him in the kitchen most of the time just in case of an accident. He did well, they did well, I was nervous but still had a good time. But much depends on the people.

Hope all works out. Now give those pussycats a treat and tell them the mean old dogpeople are going to stay in a kennel! :)

Just be up front with them. Tell them that you'd like to visit with them and you know that your husband would. However, there are restrictions.

1. No dogs or pets allowed in the house other than the ones I already have.

2. I am very busy with studies and must give that priority. It is very important to our future and well being. I hope that you understand that I may not be able to spend as much time with you as I'd like. The house is a mess and will remain that way for the time being.

3. We are not prepared to entertain house guests for more than 2 to 3 days. However, for longer stays I have included a list of hotel/motels and phone numbers. I appreciate your understanding.

Yours truly,
etc.

If you in-laws get miffed over a request to find their own lodging for an extended stay, maybe they will stay away and that's ok too, is it not?