I feel bad for BM. It really must suck to be her. But ITA, she needs for people to be hard on her. Enabling an addict only leads to their downward spiral. I also feel bad for the girls. I wonder what they were thinking when they saw their mom.
I can't imagine having such a relationship with my (hypothetical) children. You would hope that their love for the kids would outweigh their need for drugs. Obviously I have no experience with drug abuse, but still.
Have you and Jonathan spoken to the girls about how they feel about that visit?

I sincerely hope BM gets her act together. She's missing out on the best part of life right now. I will pray for her.

Well I am glad the girls got to at least go see a movie with bm and it went well. You can not help what she has turned out to be, all you can do is protect the girls from it all. I am so glad Jonathan stuck to his guns about not letting some guy around the girls.

Maybe this visit will help bm put her life into perspective? It had to feel awful coming to drop off the kids and seeing the whole "family thing" going on as she was off to her miserable life.

That is what I hope about the bm in my case anyways. I am hoping she moved back because she realized how far apart her kids had drifted from her and she wants to be a good mom.

Such a sad situation. I don't really have any advice to give, just sympathy for everyone involved.

You know, I am actually worried about her safety. This guy is pulling all the classic abuser moves. He has moved her away, won't allow her to work because he wants her to follow him around on his jobs, she has been cut off by losing her phone because she isn't woring and can't pay the bill, her car is on it's last leg. The alternator is fixing to go out so she is fixing to be without transportation. He has already beat on her once and if he does it again she won't tell us I'm sure. We heard it through the grapevine last time and questioned her about it or we would of never known about that incident.

I think this guy is a real creep. He told Jonathan "Man, I went through the same thing with my Ex. She wouldn't let me see my kids" When Jonathan replied "Oh really, well where are they now?" He wouldn't answer. Jonathan asked the guy "So your ex deciding you are an unfit father to your children should make me feel better about letting my children around you....why?" Jonathan also said that it was "her choice to move three states away to hang out in a hotel room instead of being close to her children." The guys reply was "She's supporting me man and doing a damn fine job of it." Does this sound creepy to you or is it just me? They have been together not even three solid months and he expects her main lot in life to be his support system.

I really hope he doesn't wind up really hurting her. I don't trust the guy at all. The more we learn the less we want him around the girls.

We haven't really asked them straight up how they feel about the visits. I'm sure if we asked they would say they had a good time. I am pretty sure they are having some pretty intense mixed emotions about the entire situation. I wouldn't doubt if they are slightly angry and dissapointed in their m om right now but I know they still miss her.

It is such a crappy situation all the way around. We have no idea whats going to happen for the holidays. Obviously she can't take them to Baimbridge and keep them in the travel trailer with the slimey boyfriend. Not going to happen. We suggested that she try to get on the good foot with her mother again so she would have someone to spend Christmas with the girls. We are totally willing to let her have them but it has to be SAFE and in a controlled environment. When I suggested she get them for Halloween since trick or treating doesn't require any residence she said her nerves can't handle the crowds.

I had forgotten she asked us to take them last year because the year before she forgot where she parked and got lost with the girls in tow and wound up having an episode. She honestly can't handle the stress of being a parent. She has to have someone with her for long visits or she melts down. Serious mental melt downs not minor blurps. She won't take them anywhere but the park or the movies unless she has help. What a mess.

I guess we could offer to go with her but in the end we can't always be the babysittres for her. We have a lifeas well and honestly it is always very uncomfortable when we all have to be around each other. I don't really want every holiday to include the ex...I have a baby on the way afterall and want to have family holidays at OUR home with just US. MY family. The only reason things are calm now is because we DO NOT do things together anymore. It was a terrible mess everytime we have tried to in the past. She gets the wrong idea and starts stepping over boundaries once you give her that inch and then it takes months and months to get her back in line again.

Yeah, I understand that. Boundaries are important, especially when dealing with an addict. It's just that I can't help but feel for this poor woman. It isn't your job to babysit her while she's with her own children. But wow, it really makes you stop and think.
You are right, not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and thank goodness the girls have you and their dad.

With the girls and their feelings, I guess the best thing to do is to let them know that you are here for them if they want to talk. I'm sure they already know that, it sounds like you guys have a great relationship. Best of luck!

what? BM supports her BF? and cannot take care of her children? what a mess. yes this guy sounds like a creep. make sure DH does not let kids near him. sorry you have to deal wiht this mess...not like you need more stress in your life being pregnant. hang in there.

Geez Doodle. What a weekend.
I doubt disagree with anything you guys did, and unfortuntely I don't have anything good to offer but stand your ground and protect your family. It would be great if the girls could be what BM needs to turn her life around, but she's had many chances to do that with little to no success. They can't keep being used as 'motivation' at their expense.

Keep us posted dear, and hang in there.

Geez, Doodle. This is terrible. I don't even know what to say. I don't really want to imply anything, but I think given the instability of BM, if it were my kids I would be following a bit behind BM and the kids when they go trick-or-treating. I'm not even saying to make your presence known, but BM's BF sounds rather creepy and you just never know if he'll show up a few houses away. I do also feel for their mom. It can't be a great life.

doodleboo.

What a sad story. What a sad life. I am touched by your concern and sympathy for her. You impress me. It must be terrible to be addicted to a drug that keeps you from your children. She obviously knows what she has given up and what she is missing. In her desperate state she has given you a great deal of responsibility and a wondrous gift at the same time.

I will pray for her. I will pray that she gets free of this man without being hurt. I will pray that she gets the help that she needs to change her life. I will also pray for you and J and those precious little girls.

You are something special doodle. Something very special.

ladies.

I hate that things are like this. You are all so right that this guy is a creep. I think he is a control freak with anger management issues too....not good. I have always known mom had issues but I think this is the first time there was a true threat to her safety. With her phone being out we don't hear form her for weeks at a time and it's always in the back of mind that that guy has done something to her. Jonathan isn't as compassionate. He is just concerned with the girls and how this is going to affect them and I don't blame him for his feelings. She has put everybody through the ringer the past few years.

Her mother called me last night wanting to know if we had heard from her. Since her phone has been cancelled she hasn't been in contact with any of her family. Her sister has apparently been trying to call her and was freaking out when she couldn't get through. Everyone is expecting the worst.

As far as having to follow her around with the girls trick or treating....it won't be an issue. She won't get them. She can't handle them alone and she won't have the BF with her because she knows the girls would mention he was there and that would be the nail in the coffin. Jonathan would cut off the visits totally untill she returned to rehab. He's already bending the rules for her because the original deal was no visiting untill she had completed treatment. Now that she has been give that inch she is trying to get him to allow the BF around the girls....you give her any wiggle room at all and she pushes for more. It's that personality trait that keeps us from doing anything jointly with her.

Jonathan and I discussed it more last night after the girls went down for bed. He said he is not making any plans around her. He has no interest in doing the holidays with her. He believes this will just be another case of her getting her cake and eating it too and it will give her the green light to keep up the lifestyle without any consequences. He thinks part of her problem is that so many people have bent over backwards to bail her out everytime she gets into a fix. Basically he wants her to be forced into a position where it is either A)Get it together or B)Have a relationship with her kids...he doesn't think having both should be an option. He feels that she is going to have to hit rock bottom in order to start honest recovery, if she EVER does. He is to the point where he feels the girls are better off without her around so if she gets clean great and if not great. He isn't making any effort to make it easy on her in the meantime. It's sad but he has nothing but utter disgust towards her and the decisions she has made.

I guess in the long run we will see how this all turns out. I can personally only see it going one of two ways....one is making up with her mom, moving back here closer to her kids and getting back into rehab and the other....well, the other is kindof obvious at this point. The woman is going to wind up dead. Either by her own hand, an accidental overdose or by an abusive boyfriend. I don't see her going to rehab anytime soon.