Hate to say it but I agree with stacey.....but as she said, it's just an opinion.

I'm not saying that you don't love your child, but gifts, phone calls, and 2 weeks aren't going to make up for this child losing his mother. He has a "mom" now, which is the woman who is raising him, hense the hostility from her to you. What kills her is she is the one doing all a "Mother" should, while You aren't even around, and you probably are still looked upon in God status by said child, and Step mom probably feels like you don't deserve it. I can't even imagine the hell it must be for her, to have to deal with all the emotional issues after you visit the child. There's nothing worse in this world then watching a child cry and hearing their little voices ask why...and not having anything but a hug for an answer.

You choose your path...deal with it.

Thanks for reading and replying! I have tried 3 seperate times to get my child back, the first time was within the first few months after I moved, and found out dad put my child on ritilin without talking to me about it,which was just 4 months after i moved away, now all the sudden my child is adhd! the second and third time, the judge said the same thing, If there is no proof of neglect, abuse or any negative stuff, he wasnt going to change the arrangement just because i asked to change it!
I understand now why stepmom has a problem with me now after reading your post, i assume its all that you said,"shes bitter with me because shes having to take care of my child", doctors, school etc., ALL the things i would gladly do on my own , if they just didnt fight me when ive asked for him back!But they would'nt give him up..so i just dont get it, shes mad that i dont have custody of my child thus'i dont do all that a mother should do for their children and she was mad when i fought for custody,she confuses me greatly! My child is 11 now, 5 when i moved! In the 6 years living with dad and the 3 different times my case was thrown out, i just started dealing with the idea, of not being able to raise my child with me through the school years. I didnt want to take child away, i just wanted to switch with dad, thus he have all summer long and holiday times, phone calls and any other method of keeping in touch. this is all i ever asked for when i took him to court. I mean in divorces the child will have to miss out on one parent or the other, in this case it was me (i would change this if i had the power to!) stepmom is so bitter, verbally to me, i just dont know if i can ignore it anymore! i want to vent on her so bad and at the same time, i know shes just venting on me, because deep down shes upset that shes doing everything for my child, when i should be doing it. I just dont understand why they fight so for my child and yet in a small way complain that they have to care for him without me ( which there not really doing without me, i do what i can while living so far away) the bottom line they treat me like i abanded my child on them, but i didnt I was always there and still am to this very minute and waiting to have him back.....my door is always always open to my child, i just dont have the will in me to fight for him just to get let down by a judge again and again....I just wish stepmom would stop holding this grudge on me and rubbing my nose in the fact that she gets to take care of my child and i dont nenner nenner is pretty close to how she says it to me...i just want to scream at her.....how vindictive of her to do that to me, now that she has to of her own bio children, why dont she just stop all the hatred!

I don't understand what difference it makes whether the Mother or the Father gets custody of the child. As long as the child is loved and cared for, isn't that what really matters. This women really wants to be in this child's life and she is not being allowed by the stepmother. Why doesn't the Father step in and stop this. I share custody of my boys with their father 50/50. I would have loved to have full custody, but I would have been in for the fight of my life and my attorney said that I might end up with 50/50 in the end anyway, but it was my decision. I decided it was best for the boys to spend equal time with their Mother and Father, so I agreed to the arrangement. I think my boys are much happier since they get equal time with both parents. I make sure that I call them nightly and they are in enough activities that I also see them several times a week. I sacrificed what I wanted for what was best for the boys. This women was doing a similar thing. She never said she didn't want her child, she didn't want to tear him away from everything he was accustomed to to the sacrifice of her own feels.
What would this stepmother be like if the Father had partial custody, she would probably resent doing that as well. She doesn't sound like she is happy about having this kid around at all, but doesn't want to give up custody for some strange reason. She shouldn't criticize the Mother, she should be happy to raise this child of her husband. She should also allow him to speak and see his Mother whenever for the sake of the child!!!! I would be interested to know how she treats the boy with all the hatred she carries around and the vindictive behavior.

Good Luck

Why is it OK for a father to give up custody but not a mother?

Another thing, Is it in your court order to have phone visitations? Pull a show cause on their butts. IMHO I think step mom would really just like you to drop off the face fo the earth. She want your kid to be hers, he's not and never will be. I also posted on your other thread.

A mother carries a child in her womb... A women and only a women can do that. I look down on any women who gives up her kids. I have zero respect for her. You have given us only your side. Maybe did you think 57.00 isnt much. That isnt enough to pay bills buy food and extra stuff.
I dont think step mom is to blame. I think you should look under your nose. and see it cant be everyone but you..life is not a big conspiracy. if your so concerned . and you dont get to see your child move closer. Move to the same city. Make a way to see your child.
And why is it ok for man to give up custody? Its not ...
but as of today Dead beat parents are all around.
Its not just men its women too.... this is just my opinion. krista

Let's face it, when there is a divorce, one both parents must sacrifice what they want for the sake of the kids and that usually means giving up some sort of custody/visitation. It shouldn't be so hard for the non custodial parent to be involved in their child's life. Do we look down on mothers who for one reason or another give their baby up for adoption. We shouldn't. These babies are then adopted by parents who desperatly want a child.
Divorce is hard enough on all the parties without all the hassle of someone else trying to control everyone's life. The 1st and only order of business should be WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS!!!
Just my 2 cents.

whether the child lives with mom or dad, both parents have to pay their own bills. why should the non custodial parent always be the one assumed to pay a $300 support order, when had the parents stayed married, (we would really have to take a look at those cash register receipts if we are spending $300 a month on one child, write!) I spend that much on my family of 4 people in the house now and that includes diapers and baby wipes! And we dont buy clothing every single month for our children, clothes in our house last a while! I mean only the rich can spend that kind of money on One child! Dad has to keep a roof over his and his new wifes and two childrens heads anyways, just because Im not his wife anymore shouldnt mean i have to help pay his rent, food and extra's,should it? what else is there to spend on children, I mean come on ..I pay 50% of all his medical, sports, toys, personal hygene stuff,I buy schoold supply stuff, etc.........Realistically most people who remarry probably do make sure they stay in the same town as the child, but what about the thousands of military families who have to move around, what are they to do?? Break there new families up, so as to stay close to the custodial parents? I only had one child with this man, what was I supposed to stay unmarried, have no more children and spend the rest of my life, staying close to this man making sure I help with all his bills? (That is such an unrealistic expectation to put on any one.) And what about dads, so just because they dont have there children with them,auto. means they dont love the child as much as moms can? Men and Women both love and are attached to there children, its hard for both dads and moms, to be the one to step down, not argue for the sake of protecting there children from damaging fights! I dont want my child seeing us fight over him, like thats supposed to help him with dealing with the divorce more or something. I prefer to teach my child sometimes you just have to compromise on hard decisions in life, that we all will have to face at one point or another, and not just in divorce situations either! Yes Im not there every day of his life in person, Yes I want to be, Yes I fought for him, Yes I lost 3 times.......DEAD BEAT PARENTS DONT DO ANYTHING FOR OR WITH THERE CHILDREN Just because I cant send more than $57 a month write now, shouldnt make me a dead beat! and all that other stuff stepmom likes to call me. Shes just mad because shes taking care of a child thats not hers, and not getting paid for it, write?

I am the stepmom of two good children. I can relate to the stepmom. The mother of these children only wanted to be a "mother" once I came into the picture. I treat these children as if they are mine except I make sure they know that I am not taking the place of their mother. I have tried on many occasions to get along with the mother, only to have no success. This mother only wants to be a mother whenever she doesn't have anything better to do. Whenever she lies to the children about getting them or calling them,etc, I am the one that has to dry their tears. When she does get them, which i have to give her credit she does see and talk to them more, she allows them to do as they please. I'm sorry but a 7 and 8 year old should have some structure. When they come home, they are wild. We have structure in our house, so it looks as if im the "mean" one for the first couple of days. Plus, she tells them that they don't have to listen to me. So do I hold a grudge, YES, but I don't allow the children to see it.

Why are you assuming that the stepmom doesn't like you because she is raising your child? More likely, the stepmom thinks you are a bad mom because she can see for herself that you have hurt the child she loves. You chose to marry a man and move away over being involved in your child's life. Of course that has caused hurt for your child, and of course, the woman who is raising him and loving him resents that.
If you also come across to her with the attitude you have displayed here, that sending less than $15 dollars a week, care packages occasionally and phone calls makes you a good parent, then I can see why she would resent that too. By acting like the little bit you do is so much, you are belittling the energy and effort it takes to properly raise a child.

you chose your man over your child...bad bad decision on your part. there a tons of men that you could have had a realationship with that would have allowed you to stay in your childs life..Than you had MORE children???? jeeezzzz
By the way I doubt that you leaving him has taught him a lession of compromise. It has taught him nothing more than you left him.

You know the very bottom line is this: Had the circumstances been different, I would not keep belittling dad to this very day just because he didnt have my child, I would not tell him he was a no good sorry excuse "father", just because he could only send a small amount of "money", I would not make him feel like crap and tell him his gifts/care packages/attempts to stay in touch with his child was just not good enough.
"MONEY" seems to be the only thing dad wants "for our child from me". This manner in which they treat our whole situation is flat out vindictive behavior.
I would have been happy just to have dad stay in touch with our child,and constently let our child know he hasnt forgotten him, and does still care about him. I would have no problem calling dad up and giving him the latest news about "our child" , that's just me, thats who I am.
I have been through many ups and downs trying to understand why they only care about my money and not about my childs and I relationship.
If they really cared for my child they would stop trying to push me out of the picture, would'nt they?
One last thing, I adore and I mean really adore that my child loves his stepmom, I wouldnt have it any other way, because that tells me she is good to my child and I adore her for atleast that! Thanks for all the input positive/ negative its all good to me, helps me to learn and grow!!

YES YES YES!!! I have been married 9 years, have a 17 yr old stepson, 6y/o and 3 y/o bio kids. My husbands ex and I just threw the 2nd annual joint birthday party for my stepsn - we alternate houses. We talk on average once a week. When any problems arise with stepson, all 4 of his parents get together to discuss what to do- mom and stepdad, me and bio dad. We have joint legal and physical custody now, but have had sole custody with mom having visitation, and she has had custody with us having visitation. How did this occur?
First of all - we did NOT get along right off the bat - we argued over money, visitation, clothes, you name it. Eventually we realized that we would forever be tied together thru this kid - we could make it miserable or make it work. By the way - when she allowed him to come live with his Dad and me, it was extremely difficult and did not make her a bad mom - in fact, she relocated so that he could have both parents in one town and see both as much as possible - what most kids want.
What worked for us was putting the kids first. Even when we disagreed, both of us were trying to do what was right. Try genuinely appreciating the step mom for caring for your child. My husband's ex and I have actually sent each other Mother's Day cards to show our appreciation for what the other does - we did this BEFORE we "made friends". She thanked me for loving her kid even though she did not agree with everything I did.
Most important - PRAY! If you can't bring yourself to pray for your ex and the new wife, get someone else to pray for them until you can do it. Pray for healing and reconciliation. It will take time. Hang in there. Send letters to your kids - it is an inexpensive but thoughtful way to keep in touch. Thank your ex for bearing most of the costs - even if you can't help financially it may help to show that you appreciate it.
I also agree with the earlier post to move closer to your kid. They will grow up soon enough and you can go wherever you want.

Thank you to all the posters who, instead of criticism, offer positive advice. I too share my son equally with his father, although, at first, I fought like hell during the divorce not to have it that way (and lost, because in the state I live, as of 2000, joint legal AND PHYSICAL custody is AUTOMATIC, unless you can prove the other parent is unfit to be a parent).

Although it broke my heart that I had to give my son up half the time to his father, three years later, I can honestly say it is the best thing next to not getting divorced at all. My son is a very happy little almost five year old because he is a very important part of both mom and dad's life and has a great relationship with BOTH of us. Not only that, but because my ex-husband and I have equal rights as parents, we are able to forget our past difficulties and move forward as parents to our son. Neither one of us hold on to anything from the past, but instead work together to raise him and my son is the one who benefits. He is a very confident and secure little boy.

Sometimes being a parent means doing what's best for your child, even if it breaks your heart. Even though I didn't want this particular custody situation at first, I wouldn't have it any other way now, because I know my little guy needs his dad just as much as needs me. And even though my ex and I ended our marriage on a very sour note, he is a very good dad. I am thankful that he is and that he wants to be involved in my son's life.

BioMom, if I were in your shoes, I would keep a log of all the times they deny you your rights as a parent. Interfering with the other parent's rights to visitation is a big NO-NO . . .

My son at 11 is somewhat confident and secure, allthough I feel he has more room to grow in confidence and security, I still feel its dad and I's and stepmoms relationship thats holding my son back. He has a hard time talking to me when hes at dads, they keep the tv/computer games on, so hes easily distracted! They dont answer the phone very often to me to begin with! My child can feel these tensions between us and I believe strongly that its these tensions that are holding him back. I just wish dad/stepmom would encourage my childs and I's relationship rather then try to control it, by limiting my phone calls. When my child is with me, he is so loving, tells me he loves me all the time, I return the I love you always to him, but when hes talking over the phone at dads, he's very hesitant to say I love you, is this not in your opinion, him sensing the tention at his home with stepmom and dad or what?
I wish so much to get along with stepmom/dad for my child, but as stepmom said to my husband and I face to face while in mediation one time, my husband asked her "cant we all just get along" her exact response with strong hatred, "NO" with a follow up of, we have to pay for everything! I dont know what she meant by this, because we help with medical and sports...........and yes the small amount of child support I send isnt all that great, but its all I can send them, at this point in my life. So tell me she's not all about the money and mind games/power trips ect. ect. ect.!! She's just one vindictive/rude lady to us. Thanks for reading, Best wishes to all..........BioMomOf3

Your son is being manipulated to feel guilty when he talks to you - that's so sad and IMO it's abusive. I am sure he wants his dad and stepmoms approval so that's why he holds back when he talks to you on the phone. I know it hurts your feelings, but try to understand that he is in a difficult position. It would be nice if all step parents would do what they can to help the non-custodial parent have a strong, loving relationship with the children. But this is not a perfect world :(

I have to admit I do not have that much knowledge of custody laws but, I know someone recently divorced in the state of michigan and the custody laws were not as you said. As a ladylawyer I would assume you would know what you are talking about but as I always say "be whatever you canbe on the internet!"

Anyone who says EVERY mother should have full custody of any child hands down, no exceptions, for no other reason then she is the mother; really doesn't care what's best for the child.

Moonlight,
I am sure they dont mean if she is abusing them or things of that nature. That is a totally different ball game. Is that what you mean in your post? Just curious.

I was divorced in 2000 and that's what the law was at that time. I will look it up to see what it is now (I don't practice family law) and I will send you a copy, Tina.

For an example of a state statute that gives preference to joint custody, look at Mich. Comp. Laws Section 722.26a. You can find it by going to michiganlegislature.org.

In my case, the court applied this statute (it was pretty new at the time I went to court) I think too broadly, but, I knew I had very little chance of fighting it.

The point of this post was that, with new laws like the one above, parents may find themselves with joint custody, whether they like or not. Being someone in that position, under my particular circumstances, I have found that it works well for my son.

No, that's not necessarily what I meant. My X and I have split custody. My son spends half his time with me, and half with his father. While I would most definately prefer to have my son full time, learning primarily my values and rules, I also know it would absolutely devistate both he and my X to have the X restricted to every other weekend.

X is a wonderful, caring, attentive father and to take that from my son would do him irreparable life-long damage.

I sacrificed the full custody I was having to fight tooth and nail for...as was my X as well, so it was shaping up to be a very long and bitter battle..for the sake of my son.

Moonlight, I did the exact same thing and even though I miss my kids so much when they are not with me, I know that this is what is best for them. Their father was a rotten husband but he is now a really good father. A little lax on the discipline, but great with the boys and that is what is most important.

The is the first time I run across this forum when I was trying to search for help in dealing with the bio-mom. I am a stepmom, my husband has 2 sons with his ex and now we have a daughter together. 4 years ago when the boys were still 3-4 years old, I started helping this man to take care of the family because his ex had an affair and the marriage was falling apart. I encouraged my man not to give up his boys when his ex tried to break the boys apart and take one away with her. I helped him to think the best for the children because he was definitely not thinking straight at that time, and I helped him took care of them because I knew how much he loves them.

After their divorce, his ex remarried, we also got married. I have been treating the boys kindly and fair and have created a structure of a healthy family. My husband is great handling the matter. He listens to me, taught the boy to respect me, the truth about the marriage, and the reasons of the divorce. He has also been supporting me to establish my role in the family. The boys love me and have been calling me 'mommy' since the beginning, but every year I still worry if I will receive any Mother's Day presents from them. Now that they have a baby sister, they love her very much, and I try my best not to be unfair to any of them.

However, behind this happy 'step family', I continueously feel resentful and jealous of the bio-mom even though I KNOW she would never get back with my husband. I think she tries her best to treat the boys, but I only see how spoiled they become every week when they come back from the weekend, and with tons of toys. Deep down inside, perhaps I feel she is ruining everything I have done. It is not easy to be a good stepmom. I did everything I need to do to be a good 'mom', but then I keep having to remind myself I am NOT the mom. Even though she does not do much, they love her for all her spoiling means, and for the fact that she IS their real mom...

This is a small town, I start to find myself stopping to make new friends because I keep meeting people who are already her friends. I feel I am her shadow. It is an emotional difficulty when on one hand I need to treat them like my own, and on the other hand I need to remind myself they are not my own. Since the beginning of the relationship, I was questioned immediately from people who hardly know me, or question him, if I am treating the boys right, or if I am those 'evil stepmom'. As soon as I was pregnant, I was told immediately not to favor over my own. Why nobody ever asked how the bio-mom treats the boys or how she favors one over another?

At least in my state, the school is required to send you copies of all your child's report cards, etc, except if very specific cases, mostly involving danger to the child.

Dear BioMom,

if you think that sending $57 dollars a month, phoning twice a week, sending occasional care packages and contacting the teachers from time to time means parenting an 11 years old and if you really think that $ 300 a month for a child are too much because "I spend that much on my family of 4 people in the house now and that includes diapers and baby wipes! And we dont buy clothing every single month for our children, clothes in our house last a while!" (clothes on 11 year old last a season, maybe, boys at that age outgrow pants, shoes every 3-6 months) and you really believe that "I mean only the rich can spend that kind of money on One child! Dad has to keep a roof over his and his new wifes and two childrens heads anyways, just because Im not his wife anymore shouldnt mean i have to help pay his rent, food and extra's,should it? and what else is there to spend on children, I mean come on ..I pay 50% of all his medical, sports, toys, personal hygene stuff,I buy schoold supply stuff, etc."(out of the $ 57 you send every month ?).......you really live in fairyland and frankly I am not surprised that when after you chose to relinquish the custody of your child, the judge decided not once but thrice to leave your son in what is clearly a loving and stable household and not to subject him to further disruption just because you have put in your mind that now, after remarrying, moving to another state etc..you can now stand up to your parenting role..

And I think the stpmom rightly resents the fact that while she's doing the REAL job of parenting, you still feel entitled to special consideration because you are the biological mother. Well in the real world it is not so: if you up and leave a 5 year old child and somebody else I raises him (everyday, not twice a week by the phone and during the summer vacation), she justly feel she has more rights than you.

You write: "I only had one child with this man, what was I supposed to stay unmarried, have no more children and spend the rest of my life, staying close to this man making sure I help with all his bills?", you know that's exactly what the "wicked, cruel, bitter, full of hatred" stepmom did find in her heart to do, staying close to this man, helping him to pay his bills and raising his son, she did exactly what you could not find in your heart to do. Nobody forced you to eave your child. You chose, and everybody, your child, his father and the stepmom had to learn and to adapt to your choice. It is abot time you do it too.

And let me tell about money, this woman has put her actions (and her money or her family's money, that she could otherwise spend) where her heart is, toward your son, while you evidently have chosen to do otherwise, till now.

And the idea that as this biomom has now her own children so she should just "let you have yours" is completely wrong, children are not property of the parents to leave or take back on a whim but members of the family, to be cared and respected.

If you really want to rebuild your relationship with the your son's father and stepmom, you should start to behave like a responsible, dependable person, financially too so they could start to trust you instead of just criticizing and belittle them and the good job they are doing while you are otherwise occupied.

Ok, I have to say something.. I am a stepmom of 2 kids, one girl, one boy. Being a step mom SUCKS as far as emotions go. I love these kids and we have lots of good times, and for the most part we are a normal family. My husband has full custody of the kids with visitation with bio mom on school breaks. I feel like I have to do all the parenting work and she gets all the fun times, no rules, no school, no bedtimes, just fun, fun, fun. But let me say this, just because I resent her for the fact that I am doing these things doesn't mean I would be happy just to give these kids back to her. I know in my heart that the kids are better off here during the school year because we are stable and we have consistency and kids need that.
Anyways.. It's hard to have to be the bad person all the time, but when it is time for a dress for the school dance or yearbooks or school trips, bio mom can't be bothered to help pay for that, no way not at all. Her motto is anything the kids do here with us isn't as important as what they do there with her. Anyways.. just my thought.

By the way, just because you're a mother and you do not have FULL custody of your child, does not make you a bad mother.. Not at all. I don't even get why someone would think that, same holds true for fathers that don't have FULL custody.. ignorance, I guess.

This thread was pretty old --

If someone wan'ts to resurrect it, I'd suggest a fresh start --