Help! Stepmom in crisis as mom gets out of supervised visitation

16 years ago

I don't even know where to start or if anyone could help, but I feel quite desperate at the moment. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years, and his two children (now 12 and 14) have lived with us for the last 5 1/2 years. He was granted sole custody and his ex has been in a supervised visitation program where she saw them two Saturdays a month for 4 hours at a church. She has been divorced from my husband for over 11 years, but is still focused on ruining his life. She has been aggressively combatent (though not physically) and is totally unstable. When the kids came to live with us (1st and 3rd grade) they had already been to six different schools in three states, and she has remarried at least 4 times - that we know of. She took us back to court almost yearly (THOUSANDS of wasted dollars) trying to get custody reversed. A few weeks ago, thanks to the worst ad litum ever, she was given standard visitation. The kids have gone on 3 or 4 visits now, and this weekend was the first time they spent the night. I have always had a good relationship with my 12 year old stepdaughter, but it has completely and totally disintegrated in the past couple of weeks. My stepson said she spent the whole weekend trash talking me to her mother and she has been atrociously rude and disrespectful to me. It would take me an hour to write how bad it really is. The ex came to parent/teacher night this week and the stepdaughter refused to sit with us or even speak to us. She has completely switched camps overnight. I have spent the past 5+ years doing nothing but EVERYTHING for those kids and she told me that "You don't care about me as much as my mom. You never do anything for me and have never been there for me." Which she says while she sits in the room that I slaved to custom decorate just for her recently - including spending over 12 hours hand stenciling inspirational words on her wall. Thank goodness for my 4-year old daughter or I think I would lose it right now. I don't know if anyone has a remotely similar situation, but I would welcome anyone who does.

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Comments (5)

tamar_422
16 years ago
I'm so sorry about this. You must feel so helpless. It is really common for children to feel a loyalty to their BioMoms, no matter how misplaced. It doesn't help that this is happening right around the time your SD is hitting puberty and her teen years. She would be pulling away from you anyway. I can only guess that she's getting a lot of encouragement from her mom to behave this way towards you. There isn't much you can about that.

However, you and your husband should absolutely let SD know that rude and disrespectful behavior is not acceptable. It is very important that DH supports you on this.

You have to continue being the great stepmom you are - don't let her new attitude change you. I know it will be hard, but you don't want to give SD or BioMom any reason to think you are less than always there for her (I guess I'm saying you don't want to give them any "ammunition"). It sounds like your SS hasn't let his BioMom affect his relationship with you. Be grateful for that.

Would counseling be an option for SD? She is obviously very conflicted and feeling a lot of turmoil over her relationships with you and her BioMom. Talking to an objective third-party person may help your SD will realize how unfair she is being to you. It has helped with my SS17, who was unfairly comparing me, whom he lives with, to his BioMom, who had no rules when he was at her house.

Good luck and keep us posted.
justnotmartha
16 years ago
I completely agree with Tamar. I am in your same situation - 12 year old SD we have had custody of for 7 years. She has had weekend overnights EOW the entire time, and each time she returns home she either hates me or hates her mom, depending on how things went and what she was subjected to there. One day she wishes I was her "real" mom, the next her BM can do no wrong. It's eaten me up trying to rationalize with her w/o just saying "your BM is worthless!" IF they don't want to listen no list of things you have done that the BM has not will be accepted.
Finally I realized I was dealing with a 12 year old and that I just had to let it go. If she gave me the "you're not my mom" attitude I gave her the "you're not my daughter" attitude . . . which meant her going to dad or BM for the things I always did . . . and finding out she was out of luck. After a few times I think she got the point, and though things aren't perfect now we have reached a more even playing field. I still cringe when she talks about how great it was that her mom came to one of her games when I coach the team, but what do you do? In your heart you know you are doing the right thing, and since you can't lock her in a closet until puberty is over that's about all you have going for you!

Best wishes that things will mellow some with time . . . and a little help from your husband to set her straight maybe??
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We were in the process of going for full custody. His 12 year old is actually the better behaved of the two youngest sons. His 10 year old has ODD and doesn't come to our house anymore because he doesn't want to and his mother doesn't make him. If DH goes to get him it's kicking and screaming and punching and the police will get called. We had SS10 in therapy for 8 months starting in January of last year. It took us 8 months to get him somewhat managable. I went into the hospital at the end of august to have our baby and we found out after he was born that he had 3 congenital heart defects. We stayed in the hospital with him for a month while he had open heart surgery. When we got back home, all the progress we had made with SS10 had gone out the window because of his mother. We couldn't afford to keep paying the lawyer to fight for full custody so DH just lets SS10 stay with his mom. SS12 doesn't give us any trouble at all to come over. He enjoys playing with my children and they get along for the most part. We were also told by SS10's previous psychiatrist that he was not to be left alone with the baby for ANY period of time because of his violent tendencies. The story goes deeper than this and our lawyer is pretty sure CPS will eventually get called and they will be taken away from her and will come to live with us. BM recently changed SS10 to a different psychiatrist than what we were bringing him to and I'm sure her story was "his dad doesn't want anything to do with him" which was her story for his other doctors until we started getting in touch with all of them and explaining what this woman is about and that's when they realized that they weren't being able to treat him correctly because they didn't have the right information on why he was acting out like this. We have recently gotten in touch with the new psychiatrist and got them a copy of the full psych evaluation that we had done on SS10 so they should be calling back soon to get any other info they may need from DH.
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I am a stepmom to a beautiful 7 year old little girl and have been since she was 4 years old. I can literally count on my ten fingers the amount of times her biological mom has made visits since I have known her (more like on one hand). She moved out of state with her when she was four and kept her from my husband for almost a year until he took her to court about three times u tip he finally won sole custody of her and her was granted child support from bio mom. He was also to drive half way from New Mexico to Dallas Texas to have our little girl do OVER NIGHT visits once a month in Texas and two week visits over summer break. Like I said bio mom would constantly cancel visits saying she could not afford it even though we received absolutely no child support checks and when she did make visits she would often request for us to pick up the child early because she had plans with her boyfriend or she would state the child was out of control and she could not handle her. The last visit she had with my step daughter she kept her for a month and it was only supposed to be a two week visit. Also during that time my step daughter was sexually assaulted by step father and we took them to court and the mother called the child a liar and automatically took step fathers side. My husband and I have put her I counseling, pressed charges and done all that we can as loving parents. Charges were dropped due to lack of evidence and now mother is fighting to move child to Texas with her and husband (what a joke right). Keep in mind no child support has been paid and mother has not attempted contact in about a year and 5 months and before that would very rarely make phone calls. She was granted supervised visits which my daughter refuses to have and if she's forced she does not engage in contact AT ALL. She is terrified of these people but the system demands visits. Last time in court bio mom failed to appear because she put her husband as priority and said she could not make it and all visits were suspended. My step daughter is traumatized and terrified of these people. I wish she had a good bio mom but she doesn't and I have been the one to take This place without the official title. Is it hard? Heck yes you do all the work without the official title and have people constantly belittling you as just the "stepmom" but the title is earned not only because you give birth to a child it goes far beyond that. These children have real needs and it takes true responsibility to raise a child and meet their need and give them the love they deserve. I have experienced the feeling of not being recognized for all that I do as a step mom who has really taken on 100% responsibility but that's what being selfless is its doing these thing without expecting recognition from humans. When I married my husband I took on the responsibility of being a mommy whether full time or once a week. I love it and since we have had trouble having babies of our own I have truly been blessed with the opportunity to be a mommy before giving birth. God placed is in each others life and I cherish every moment. To all the step moms out there I know the feelings that go along with being a step parent but it's a huge role and God sees even when others don't. Keep being good mom mad and you shall be blessed. It's not the child's fault they deserve nothing but the best!!!
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Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.
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lonepiper
16 years ago
"I still cringe when she talks about how great it was that her mom came to one of her games when I coach the team, but what do you do?"

Ahhh, the joys of being a stepmom who's married to the custodial parent!!! I've been married for almost 2 years so I'm a newbie compared to both of you. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and helpless. Does it get easier or do you just get used to feeling this way?
tamar_422
16 years ago
It gets easier because you get used to it.
redheadedstepchild
16 years ago
*Insert one digital hug per tormented parent* Crap that sucks.

If it helps any I'm frighteningly close to 30 and realizing on a monthly bases all the awesome things Daddy did for me when I was little. It may take a while but unless she gets truly fouled up in the next decade or so you'll probably get a phone call eventually about how awesome you were when she was little.
(the stenciled words sound very cool)

One time I told my own Daddy that I hoped that I was adopted (my thinking being that then I might have a living mother out there somewhere, Dad not being my Dad in that case didn't really occur to me).

She'll appreciate you eventually.

Help! Stepmom in crisis as mom gets out of supervised visitation

Comments (5)

tamar_422

justnotmartha

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