Help! Stepmom in crisis as mom gets out of supervised visitation

18 years ago

I don't even know where to start or if anyone could help, but I feel quite desperate at the moment. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years, and his two children (now 12 and 14) have lived with us for the last 5 1/2 years. He was granted sole custody and his ex has been in a supervised visitation program where she saw them two Saturdays a month for 4 hours at a church. She has been divorced from my husband for over 11 years, but is still focused on ruining his life. She has been aggressively combatent (though not physically) and is totally unstable. When the kids came to live with us (1st and 3rd grade) they had already been to six different schools in three states, and she has remarried at least 4 times - that we know of. She took us back to court almost yearly (THOUSANDS of wasted dollars) trying to get custody reversed. A few weeks ago, thanks to the worst ad litum ever, she was given standard visitation. The kids have gone on 3 or 4 visits now, and this weekend was the first time they spent the night. I have always had a good relationship with my 12 year old stepdaughter, but it has completely and totally disintegrated in the past couple of weeks. My stepson said she spent the whole weekend trash talking me to her mother and she has been atrociously rude and disrespectful to me. It would take me an hour to write how bad it really is. The ex came to parent/teacher night this week and the stepdaughter refused to sit with us or even speak to us. She has completely switched camps overnight. I have spent the past 5+ years doing nothing but EVERYTHING for those kids and she told me that "You don't care about me as much as my mom. You never do anything for me and have never been there for me." Which she says while she sits in the room that I slaved to custom decorate just for her recently - including spending over 12 hours hand stenciling inspirational words on her wall. Thank goodness for my 4-year old daughter or I think I would lose it right now. I don't know if anyone has a remotely similar situation, but I would welcome anyone who does.

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Comments (5)

tamar_422
18 years ago
I'm so sorry about this. You must feel so helpless. It is really common for children to feel a loyalty to their BioMoms, no matter how misplaced. It doesn't help that this is happening right around the time your SD is hitting puberty and her teen years. She would be pulling away from you anyway. I can only guess that she's getting a lot of encouragement from her mom to behave this way towards you. There isn't much you can about that.

However, you and your husband should absolutely let SD know that rude and disrespectful behavior is not acceptable. It is very important that DH supports you on this.

You have to continue being the great stepmom you are - don't let her new attitude change you. I know it will be hard, but you don't want to give SD or BioMom any reason to think you are less than always there for her (I guess I'm saying you don't want to give them any "ammunition"). It sounds like your SS hasn't let his BioMom affect his relationship with you. Be grateful for that.

Would counseling be an option for SD? She is obviously very conflicted and feeling a lot of turmoil over her relationships with you and her BioMom. Talking to an objective third-party person may help your SD will realize how unfair she is being to you. It has helped with my SS17, who was unfairly comparing me, whom he lives with, to his BioMom, who had no rules when he was at her house.

Good luck and keep us posted.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
I completely agree with Tamar. I am in your same situation - 12 year old SD we have had custody of for 7 years. She has had weekend overnights EOW the entire time, and each time she returns home she either hates me or hates her mom, depending on how things went and what she was subjected to there. One day she wishes I was her "real" mom, the next her BM can do no wrong. It's eaten me up trying to rationalize with her w/o just saying "your BM is worthless!" IF they don't want to listen no list of things you have done that the BM has not will be accepted.
Finally I realized I was dealing with a 12 year old and that I just had to let it go. If she gave me the "you're not my mom" attitude I gave her the "you're not my daughter" attitude . . . which meant her going to dad or BM for the things I always did . . . and finding out she was out of luck. After a few times I think she got the point, and though things aren't perfect now we have reached a more even playing field. I still cringe when she talks about how great it was that her mom came to one of her games when I coach the team, but what do you do? In your heart you know you are doing the right thing, and since you can't lock her in a closet until puberty is over that's about all you have going for you!

Best wishes that things will mellow some with time . . . and a little help from your husband to set her straight maybe??
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Dear BioMom, if you think that sending $57 dollars a month, phoning twice a week, sending occasional care packages and contacting the teachers from time to time means parenting an 11 years old and if you really think that $ 300 a month for a child are too much because "I spend that much on my family of 4 people in the house now and that includes diapers and baby wipes! And we dont buy clothing every single month for our children, clothes in our house last a while!" (clothes on 11 year old last a season, maybe, boys at that age outgrow pants, shoes every 3-6 months) and you really believe that "I mean only the rich can spend that kind of money on One child! Dad has to keep a roof over his and his new wifes and two childrens heads anyways, just because Im not his wife anymore shouldnt mean i have to help pay his rent, food and extra's,should it? and what else is there to spend on children, I mean come on ..I pay 50% of all his medical, sports, toys, personal hygene stuff,I buy schoold supply stuff, etc."(out of the $ 57 you send every month ?).......you really live in fairyland and frankly I am not surprised that when after you chose to relinquish the custody of your child, the judge decided not once but thrice to leave your son in what is clearly a loving and stable household and not to subject him to further disruption just because you have put in your mind that now, after remarrying, moving to another state etc..you can now stand up to your parenting role.. And I think the stpmom rightly resents the fact that while she's doing the REAL job of parenting, you still feel entitled to special consideration because you are the biological mother. Well in the real world it is not so: if you up and leave a 5 year old child and somebody else I raises him (everyday, not twice a week by the phone and during the summer vacation), she justly feel she has more rights than you. You write: "I only had one child with this man, what was I supposed to stay unmarried, have no more children and spend the rest of my life, staying close to this man making sure I help with all his bills?", you know that's exactly what the "wicked, cruel, bitter, full of hatred" stepmom did find in her heart to do, staying close to this man, helping him to pay his bills and raising his son, she did exactly what you could not find in your heart to do. Nobody forced you to eave your child. You chose, and everybody, your child, his father and the stepmom had to learn and to adapt to your choice. It is abot time you do it too. And let me tell about money, this woman has put her actions (and her money or her family's money, that she could otherwise spend) where her heart is, toward your son, while you evidently have chosen to do otherwise, till now. And the idea that as this biomom has now her own children so she should just "let you have yours" is completely wrong, children are not property of the parents to leave or take back on a whim but members of the family, to be cared and respected. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with the your son's father and stepmom, you should start to behave like a responsible, dependable person, financially too so they could start to trust you instead of just criticizing and belittle them and the good job they are doing while you are otherwise occupied.
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lonepiper
18 years ago
"I still cringe when she talks about how great it was that her mom came to one of her games when I coach the team, but what do you do?"

Ahhh, the joys of being a stepmom who's married to the custodial parent!!! I've been married for almost 2 years so I'm a newbie compared to both of you. Sometimes I feel so inadequate and helpless. Does it get easier or do you just get used to feeling this way?
tamar_422
18 years ago
It gets easier because you get used to it.
redheadedstepchild
18 years ago
*Insert one digital hug per tormented parent* Crap that sucks.

If it helps any I'm frighteningly close to 30 and realizing on a monthly bases all the awesome things Daddy did for me when I was little. It may take a while but unless she gets truly fouled up in the next decade or so you'll probably get a phone call eventually about how awesome you were when she was little.
(the stenciled words sound very cool)

One time I told my own Daddy that I hoped that I was adopted (my thinking being that then I might have a living mother out there somewhere, Dad not being my Dad in that case didn't really occur to me).

She'll appreciate you eventually.

Help! Stepmom in crisis as mom gets out of supervised visitation

Comments (5)

tamar_422

justnotmartha

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