Well, I don't know this for a fact, but whenever I read about a saintly person, I suspect that there must be SOME place they can go complain about their washing lepers' bandages, giving everything to the poor, ha! And Allyssa, you are in a very challenging situation fraught with emotion that will indeed call upon you to be a bit saintly - but the results down the road could be very rewarding. This little guy is probably going to go through harder times before things get better. To your great credit, you sound very wise in understanding that he's been through some awful stuff and he's going to have some acting out. I agree with the other posters - counseling for him and maybe the whole family would be a great start. About your baby-to-be, I don't think there is any supernatural reason why that isn't happening, but stress can supposedly make it harder to conceive. Whatever you can do to take care of yourself and to feel more at peace couldn't hurt, both in getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. And whatever it takes to feel like your daughter isn't getting the short end of the stick in any way. And how are you and your DH doing? Is there a strain between you at all? One other thing strikes me about your post - your sense that you don't want to overstep the mom boundaries. That is very sensitive and perceptive. I would say that your basic stance with SS right now could be "I know I can't replace your mom, but I am a mom, and I'm here for you." And down the road, the mother-son bond may well grow. Bottom line, don't beat yourself up. You sound like you have a lot of wisdom and understanding about what your SS is going through, and the challenges to your family. Having someone to talk to is so important! Hope you get some help here. Best wishes.

Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating.

My parents were married for 25 yrs when they divorced. Their marriage didn't come first at all. I don't know that even us kids came first...LOL. My mother has not re-married, but my father has. I have been on both sides of the fence with step-families. I was an adult when my father remarried. I have taken my approach with my SS's from what I have learned as a child of divorce, and from the mistakes his wife has made. 1. The marriage to my DH is of equal importance as his children. 2. The children need one on one time with their father regardless of how good our relationship is as a family. Whether intact or not, children need one on one time with each parent. 3. If anything were to happen to my DH, the chilren will recieve all monies from his life insurance policy, any items of his that they want, etc. It has been made clear to me and my siblings that we are not welcome to a personal relationship with our father. We are allowed to have one with him AND his wife (which is fine, but sometimes you need one on one with your parents) When I got married the first time, my father was dating his now wife. He brought her to my wedding. That was the first time I met her. They had come from out of state (about 1,000 miles) to our wedding. I welcomed her openly. She was awful. Very rude to my brothers, my mother, and disrespectful to my grandparents. She made it clear that she didn't feel that I was old enough to get married, and that she would never allow her daughter (same age as me) to get married. (I was young...21) Six months later, her daughter married a meth addict. Nice.... Anyway, over the years she's pulled some pretty crazy stuff. Alienating one of my brothers totally, and pi$$ing of the rest of us. Here's the thing. I still invite her to all family functions becuase she's my fathers wife. I remarried a while back, and she was invited to the wedding, and she sat with my in-laws, etc. I would never dream of treating her with any disrespect. I don't have to like what she does, but she is my father's wife, and that is the choice he made. My relationship with my father isn't what it use to be, and that's pretty sad, but that is his choice. I love him regardless. So, understanding both side of things, my goal is to foster a positive, fulfulling relationship between my DH and SS's. They all deserve it. What's funny, is that my DH would never allow me (or anyone else for that matter) to come between him and his kids. Nor would he allow my SS's to be disrespectful to me. I've been lucky, my SS's are very good to me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. I know I'd be crushed. I just don't think it's ever OK to exclude a bio OR step parent. When my SS had his 12th b-day party, he was mad at his mother still (he had moved in with us a yr before)and I told him "you invite your Mom, or no party...period". He got the message. We're teaching him tolerance. It can go a long way, just like manners.

Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.