I think Granny Houses are a good idea.

But be sure to check your zoning; not all areas allow accessory living spaces/ buildings.

If you're on a septic system there may be significant cost in adding to its capacity, or making a new one. (That was a huge issue for me when I looked into it for my MIL. We have a 'grandfathered" system that wouldn't pass modern standards so any additional connections would trigger the need for a completely new system - a $40K expense with our soils.)

I'd also consider having the Granny Unit have at least a second bedroom in case your MIL requires some form of live-in caretaking/ or night time care eventually.

Good luck!

HTH

L.

I think it's adorable! I wish they had inside pictures to to look at. If you can afford it (I have no idea what they cost) I would do it. Once she passes on, the house can be used as a guest house. Or a place you can go to be alone.

We close on my late MIL's house today. :( You're doing a wonderful thing for her if you're able to do it.

What a cute little house!

We added an in-law apt to our home 4 years ago for my MIL. There were several restrictions that the town has in place - not insurmountable but annoying -- square footage restriction for example. My sister drew up the plans for us and we found an excellent builder.

Good luck to you!

Well, my darn kids are beginning to think about issues with me being alone. I do admit that taking care of the house and yard is getting ahead of me. I love both and not being able to get into my creative self would take far too much away. Maybe they are thinking this way because I ask for help too much. I need to tone this part down a bit. I like being alone in my own surroundings and not intrude on their personal lives. Mom's still worry and don't always get today's environment in their old age. It is easier for me not to by living a few miles away.

I am fully appreciative that the kids care enough to think of my safety. And what you are considering is wonderful. It takes special love to want to do this.

That said, I would love a little house like that. Perhaps with a small fence between to give more privacy and do my thing along with which kid would go for this. Your mom sounds like she needs more help though or the closeness of family.

I live in an area that has little houses like this in half of the back yards. A mix of home styles, sizes and large/small properties. All well kept and love the little houses in back. Most of these are rented, but would work well with your idea. Am not sure if they allow this anymore though. Probably built back in the 50s/60s when there were less codes. Although a house down the street was remodeled a couple of years ago and they turned the detached garage into an adorable craftsman cottage to live in while the work was going on at the larger home. So there must be the possibility now too.

That's an old link, and I'm not convinced of its accuracy. I found the Coho Cottage, but as a plan set rather than a prefab:

http://rosschapin.com/Plans/Cottage/Coho/coho.html

It's got a bedroom in the loft, so it appears that second bedroom is there for a caretaker if needed. But prefab or stick-built doesn't really matter -- it's whatever works for your situation.

A couple of years ago we started checking into building a MIL house on our property. My mother is just 72, but she's not in good physical condition for her age. Others have already mentioned the main issues of zoning, setbacks, square-footage requirements, septic, etc. And of course the cost needs to make sense, at it needs to make sense in the long run for you to have that extra dwelling on your property. I know some neighborhoods/cities forbid rentals of guest houses, so make sure you know if that is the case.

At the time we were considering all this we also priced larger homes that had easily-accessible in-law suites (usually self-contained apartments in walk-out basements). We could have gotten more bang for the buck by just moving to a larger house rather than doing the construction where we are. But that also would put mom and me under the same roof . . .

I notice you mentioned that you wouldn't be comfortable living with your MIL, which I guess means not comfortable with her under your roof. I know what you mean, and I feel this way about my mother. I love her, but there is a drinking problem there and we just don't bring out the best in each other, you know? So consider whether you are gaining any peace by having her live 50' (or 200' in our case) from your roof rather than under your roof. Is she just going to be at your house all the time, anyway? Or is she going to be expecting you or your DH to be at her cottage all the time? Is there going to be a tension there with her expecting more socializing than you are comfortable with?

Also, my mom doesn't have a lot of friends, but has one main one she spends time with. If we were to move her out near us, she would be 35 miles from that friend and they would seldom see each other. My mom's standard emotional state would conservatively be described as "fragile", so it is important that she be near this one friend. I am not willing or able to try to fill that void.

Of course my mom is just 40 minutes away, so we can get to her if needed. Your MIL is much farther away, so I see the need to have her closer. I guess I'm just thinking that "closer" might not need to be in your backyard.

One last thing - in our case, we weren't in a position to 100% fund the construction of the cottage. So we would need to use some of mom's funds to do it. And that would have sort of "trapped" my mom into the living situation should she later decide that we were all too close for comfort, or somehow met a fella and needed to move out. I wasn't comfortable with us all being "stuck" that way. Now, if her health continues to decline such that she would need a visit from one of us at least daily, we might revisit it.

"So consider whether you are gaining any peace by having her live 50' (or 200' in our case) from your roof rather than under your roof. Is she just going to be at your house all the time, anyway? Or is she going to be expecting you or your DH to be at her cottage all the time? Is there going to be a tension there with her expecting more socializing than you are comfortable with?"

Jakabedy beat me to the punch on this one--her thoughts are exactly what I was going to post as well.

I suspect that if you do move ahead with the plan, there will be the HUGE and life changing issue for both sides of you and your husband becoming the primary-if not only-caretakers for your MIL. Sounds like the family dynamics are already such that there isn't a lot of support from her other children/grandchildren. You may be ok and even willing to step into that role but I believe it requires a great deal of thought before you make the final decision. Caretaking is, as many of us know, a huge and extremely complicated issue. It tends to affect women much more intensely and strongly. This is true whether or not the elderly person is a parent or an inlaw but with an inlaw the dynamics are certainly different. Not only the relationship with your MIL but with the other relatives will change. The others may be happy that you and your husband are taking on the 'heavy lifting' but there is an almost universal human tendency to be critical/judgmental about how others are handling life. When that life handling is taking care of an elderly parent, watch out. I have seen all too often in my own family what happens on both sides when the non-caretakers weigh in on what should/should not be done, and when the caretakers are placed in the position of defending or explaining their decisions and roles. It can be extremely challenging, at best.

Another facet is that quite often the elderly person is not, and never will be, grateful for or often even cognizant of how much support and effort goes into helping them live a somewhat normal life. I think one of the most exhausting and demoralizing aspects of caregiving is doing incredible amounts of work for someone who at best takes it for granted and at worst is actively hostile or resistant. My stepmother is a professor of occupational therapy who specialization is geriatrics. She has explained to me that aging for many people means a constant struggle to maintain autonomy and independence. So the changes that occur that lead to lessening those aspects of life are fought tooth and nail. Everything from not being able to manage one's own financial life to becoming a dangerous driver to not being able to navigate the daily tasks of running a household (cleaning,cooking, errands) all bring complicated dynamics between the elderly and those trying to take care of him/her. All too often it is the caregiver who ends up exhausted and even in some cases with health issues due to the constant and unrelenting workload. Add to that doing it with no positive feedback or reinforcement and it can be truly a crushing burden.

In my own family my MIL lives 2 blocks from us. That was a very deliberate choice by her and my (now deceased) FIL. They have one other son, who lives in town but who is not and never was as willing to deal with them as we have been. There are a lot of other family dynamics at work but the upshot is that my husband is the one she leans on. She's 88 YO and definitely mentally not as capable. Short term memory is gone, as are many of her social filters. She has no close friends or really any connections or life outside the home. Although we used to spend time together quite happily, it's evolved to the point that I try but I just can't be around her for extended time periods. Having her close but not in my home/yard is a perfect balance. Husband sees her daily and she comes over at least once weekly for dinner with us. Frankly I couldn't live with her and I couldn't have her 50 feet away and in my house/life constantly.

My advice is think long and hard about what you are committing to. Building the house is the very, very least of it!

Good luck,
Ann

Golddust, when I click your link it takes me to a Cox page. I Googled to find this.

Here is a link that might be useful: Strawberry Valley

OK, I gave up on posting from my bed upstairs via my iPhone. LOL! Now on my real keyboard.

First, I knew I would get much food for thought and appreciate the time and effort each of you have put into this thread. I'm listening.

If we moved Mom up here, she would be moving to the area where four other generations of her family live. They are a loving bunch and while I realize DH and I would be her primary caregivers, she has loving family close and I would have more support than I had with my Mother and my Uncle. I cared for my Uncle through Alzhiemers (spelling alert) alone. I cared for my Mom with the support of a working sister as she was dying of Cancer. I know what I'm getting into.

My MIL has short term memory loss as well. She asks the same question over and over. ("How much does the baby weigh?")

She doesn't want to live with us as she is materialistic (in a normal kind of way) and wants her things around her. Downgrading from 1400 SF to 903 SF will be difficult for her. She loves her "beautiful house" she and my FIL built in 1949.

She has a home in Santa Clara, close to the University and The Rose Gardens. By shear luck, they built their home in the most desirable place to live. We intend to turn it over to a property management company as we live too far away to tend to it. Property Management thinks she could rent out her house for $3,000. a month. In addition to her retirement, she would be fine and we intend to charge her a monthly payment to cover the Granny payment. When she is gone, we care use it as a rental or trade out for a gardener/handyperson quarters.

MIL has fears of living in the country, so the house will be close to us on our property. Thinking of tearing down our old, detached and doorless carriage house and car port and possibly adding a garage to her granny. This would make the walk between homes a straight shot on level ground and could replace an eye sore.

She doesn't mind living alone. Her mobility issues are balance and muscle tone related. She is a two time Cancer surviver and survived an explosion at a JC Penneys store in San Jose where she was buried in rumble for a day. The person next to her was killed. Her pelvis was crushed by a beam. Some of that accident has come back to haunt her as you may well imagine.

I've got an even temperament and have no problem setting boundaries. She has her own TV she likes to watch and is currently independent.

Thank you all. I will be reading this thread to my DH and other family members. Keep opinions coming!!

Do you have decent senior housing nearby. I live in a seaside area and we have lovely housing so when my Dad died my Mom wanted to get in to one here and she did and loved it.
She made new friends and went on excursions and even joined Sweet Adelienes. You may want to look in to it.

Natal! Thank you. That is it! I must have missed something while typing from my iPhone. It doesn't have a copy and paste feature. That is the basic floor model and plan. We've have a few upgrades. I like the extra window and roof line of the first link. It looks more custom.

Yaya, she is 100% against giving up her home for senior living. She is a simpleton. Fearful by nature so couldn't imagine her taking a cruise by herself. She loves grocery shopping, watching her TV shows and makes her bed every single day. She has housecleaning help and garden help but she is frugal beyond measure. She is set well financially and sends $10. checks for birthdays, complaining about having too many grandchildren.

She annoys me after a week and dragging her up and down the stairs to bed is not an option.

She could end up in a nursing home 4 hours away without visitors if we don't do something. Here, she is loved by many. Two of her sons are here. Like I said, she would make us 5 generations in the area.

Have you broached this topic with your MIL yet?
Also, is she feeling that the son who lives nearby her is not doing so much for her, or does she rave (for lack of a better word) about him? I wonder if she'd feel she "needs" to stay close to that son for one reason or another. She might very well reject any other rationale for moving because of that. But your idea for bringing her closer to other family (just notthatclose) but still making sure she has some independence is a good one.

Oh yes. It has been the topic of conversation here with all family members. She understands she has no support down there and complains that her grandchildren who live close have not stepped a foot in her door for 15 years. Yes. I said years. It's the same with her DIL. Her son, Richard drops by about every 3 months for 10 minutes. He is a good guy but has some deep issues with her. Totally detached himself from her years ago.

It's all about her house. Her things. I asked her if her house was more important than her family and she said 'No'. She admitted she has a hard time making decisions.

I told her not to decide would be a decision in itself. If she doesn't move up here where she has family support, she will end up down there in a nursing home because no one was prepared to take her in. My stairs are a huge problem for her. She wants her stuff around her and independence.

golddust, I think this is very generous of you, and sounds about as close to perfect as it is going to get. Years ago, a wise friend of mine said to me, "It's the leap, not the landing" -explaining to me that the results of my decision would be fine, but the leap is often terrifying. And of course she was right. So what is the bottom line here? Is it at the point where someone has to force her hand? I've had a lot of sales training, and it is amazing how often it comes in handy. In this situation, it would work like this:

Step 1: You identify all of her concerns (i.e. not leaving her stuff, costing too much money, etc.). Don't move onto step 2, until you have agreement that these are all of her concerns, as in, "So your worries are that you will have to leave your stuff, that you can't afford this move, and that you will never see the son who lives here?"

Step 2: Identify what would alleviate each of the concerns. "Of all of your stuff, how much of it would you say you absolutely, positively, come hell-or-hgh-water have to take? What portion would you like to take but could live without? What portion would you like to give to someone who could truly use it? Get this same information on all concerns.

Step 3: Trial close. "If we could find a way to take 50% of your things with you (or whatever she identified), and you could actually make money by renting your home out, and I promised to drive you down here once a month to see your son, would you be willing to move? As soon as you get her to yes, get going! Don't give her time to waffle.

I don't know if I've been very clear on this.... This could take days or weeks. But it truly does work....

Another idea would be to take her there for a few short visits and let her reconnect with the relatives there, which may help her work up some enthusiasm for moving there.

I think having the granny house on your property is an excellent idea. That house looks perfect.

I found that I am not one bit sorry for the time I spent caring for my parents when their health was failing. Of course there were times when I hated the thought of driving in (13 miles) to their house for my 'shift', but that little hesitation was rare. Like you, I have family that are local and they all did their part in making the last years of life for my parents as comfortable as possible.

ML

The problem with the granny house is that she will still be alone much of the time. It might not be long before she won't be able to be trusted with a kitchen.

It will also be a lot of work for you and will become more and more work in the future.

"She annoys me after a week and dragging her up and down the stairs to bed is not an option."

I read your follow ups...but are you REALLY sure you want her in your backyard!?!? This is going to be a lot, lot longer and more intense than a week :\.

Ann

I would not rule out senior living arrangements. My mother was violently opposed to this...NEVER! My family relocated 800 miles away 4 years ago. We told her we would look for a house with in-law or potential for guest house etc when we were house hunting. She said she'd never move. Well within the first year she decided she wanted to follow us (we are her only family besides my brother who lives in Germany). She wanted to buy another single family home, at 84. I looked into continuing care retirement communities (CCRC) nearby and took her to visit one when she came to look around the area (for a house). I convinced her to look at it rationally and not emotionally and she found she liked it. Now that she's been there 3+ years she couldn't be happier (well, she could, but that's not her nature:). I could never live with her! She is close by, has support she needs, has made new friends and is very active in the community. She quit her smoking habit of 50+ years because nobody else there smokes. There is assisted living and skilled nursing care onsite should she ever need it. It is a more expensive option, but has worked out well for us.

Bestyears! Great advice.I'm printing it out. Thank you. She has been here a week and I don't know when we are taking her home. She has gone out to lunch with a GD, to dinner with her other DS. She been visiting with all of her family that is here. She'd stay for weeks.

She would not be alone as much here as she is there. She has been annoying me for 28 years and I'm great with her. Having her 'running her own home' instead telling me how useless she feels at mine will remove the annoying stuff. Her tape loop is fine. (I'm used to my Uncle with dementia and worked with Developmentally Disabled adults for 15 years. I gained skills there, trust me. I don't take her personally.

Of course it's lots of work but she is financially set. I'll get a housekeeper in once a week. If we need to get away, people (family) are willing to come stay at our house to watch out for her. (Dogs taken care of too.)

I've been down this path before and admit we've been in denial regarding her abilities but we can no longer be responsible children and ignore her current situation.

She really isn't cooking much anymore. Sandwiches, etc. It isn't hard to run her over a plate of whatever we're having. I told her we still wanted to have sex on the kitchen table so no peeking in our windows. (She loves it when I talk like that to her.)

Keep tossing out thoughts. I'm going over them with DH later. I know we are also teaching our children how we want to be treated and what a great family looks like. If I'm going bonkers, I have several phone numbers on my speed dial for instant relief. "Come visit her/get her, etc. STAT."

What brilliance lives within this tiny corner of the www. Thank you all.

If I could have done what you plan, I would have. I spent several years driving 3 hours each way to take care of my parents on weekends, every holiday, and every vacation. Wore me out. Still, I look back and am glad I did it. No regrets other than wishing I had been a little more patient sometimes.

I think your idea is great and you sound as though you have thought everything through beautifully. One thing that you might want to consider is having an induction cooktop. It only turns on when a pan with something in it is on the burner space (if you get one with auto shut-off and boil-over protection). I am getting one as soon as I can just for us since I let a tea kettle boil dry because I got distracted! Don't want to take a chance doing that again!

Not only will you be teaching your children invaluable lessons, but they will love having their grandmother close by-mine lived with us from the time I was in 7th grade until two years after I married (14 years). I was closer to her than to anyone and treasure those years.

I've never heard of a granny house so other than saying how adorable it is, I can't be of much help, but I think what you are doing is so wonderful.

I agree with Lukki. That's one lucky granny!

Some other things to consider:
Being nice & helpful to Granny for a few weeks while she visits is much different than being helpful 24/7. Other family members might not be as quick to assist when she's there all the time, they see you're capable of dealing with her, and it interferes with their routines. Visiting with her now is a bit of a novelty, it's the holidays, she's only here for a little while but will they be so quick to visit 365 days a year or will they kind of forget she's there? We all know families that have had these situations and, too often, they end in hard feelings around.

Along those lines, can you get some sort of formal agreement or commitment from other family members about who is responsible for what duties and a schedule for routinely relieving you and your DH? What about finances and handling her money? Who pays for the granny cottage and it's upkeep? What happens to it after she doesn't need it, if she contributes to it's cost?

How will she deal with it if her health declines and she has to move a 2nd time into assisted living or some place like that? Would it be easier to move once into that setting instead of to a cottage and then again?

If she's a fearful person will living in your rural setting be scary for her, even if you are on the same property?

Good luck, I think you'll need it!

Would there be anyway to attach it to your home with an enclosed, covered walkway? This might be helpful if you have to walk to her home in the middle of the night or during inclement weather. For tax purposes, might an "extension" of your home be better than a new construction?

I don't really have anything new to add. I think that you're looking at this from all angles ahead of time, which is wise. The Granny House itself looks great. I've read through most of the posts here, and do like the idea of a covered walkway, if possible, connecting it to the main house. Sounds good for inclement weather. Things like an induction cooktop, extra wide doorways, wheelchair accessible and other senior safety features would make it ideal.

I think you've covered a lot of issues from reading your posts. You seem you are prepared and experienced. The house is cute; but monablair's idea about attaching it in some way seems practical. The great thing about the move is that she'll have much more family support. I think your idea will simplify things....we've had a parent that lived in (sure changes the dynamics of your family) as well as trying to assist with another parent from a little distance. Your idea is certainly practical, convenient and I can see that you want her to be honored and well taken care of. I would hope that my own mom would be open to doing this as well. Good Luck!

The induction cooktop idea is a great one, as long as granny doesn't have a pacemaker. Due to the electromagnetic current emitted by these cooktops, there is some risk to cardiac patients with this sort of "equipment." The jury is still out as to how much risk. Some say that as long a the burners are completely covered by the correct pot size, little current can leak from the surface to cause trouble.

I think you are WONDERFUL! I wish my parents had been able to do this for my Granny. Today there are so many ways to stay in the home safely. As she becomes more of a worry the little house can be wired for an intercom kind of thing so that you can always hear what's going on. Mics and electric kettles, etc. are handy. Lots of great suggestions here, though I have not read them all. And speaking bluntly: Caring for her at home will prove far less expensive than the type of 'Home' that I'd find acceptable....even with daily help when needed. This is the way I would choose to go. Assisted living can be addressed down the road if necessary. She is a lucky woman, I'd say!