Sounds like 2000 miles away from home is a little daunting, and her bravado is wearing off a bit.It is time for a sitdown to talk things out and listen to her concerns.Its easy to say no one goes there and its in the middle of nowhere etc but that is probably not the reason. But listen to her first before you start. find out what she is really thinking.
Suggest to her she needs to go and at least give it her best shot for the full year or she may really regret not giving it a go, since it is what she worked so hard for- and it aint' easy getting full athletic scholarships. Remind her of how hard she practiced and played at her sport,and how thrilled she was to receive the scholarship. How much she liked the school and how nice the team was- I suppose she had an overnight with one of the team members? Also that in most likelyhood her friends that are "just "going to the local state school may be a bit jealous as they arent going out of state. Is the state school competitive you may need to let her know that with her grades she may not be accepted, if that is the case. Remind her that she will be back for Winter break and summer and with facebook and email she will be in touch with her community friends as well as her new ones. talk about how exciting decorating her dorm room will be and set up a time to shop for it! get her thinking about the positives she felt while she was at the school.
Throw in the reality too. Pull the loan figures together for her, and give her the amount that she would be borrowing,as well as the interest rate. It is mind boggling.
My DD got a little apprehensive about going to college ( cried a vale of tears) it was a private in state about 1 1/2 hours away but she was worried about not doing well and losing the academic scholarship. We told her thatshe would be fine as they dont give scholarships to those they think will not do well.If she really didnt like it after a full year,she could try the state school the next year. She is a senior at her private college this year, scholarship intact.
And good luck! and congrats! What sport? I am so nosy!!

I don't know what a "full" athletic scholarship covers, but since it means that much or all of her expenses will be paid, couldn't you ask her to try it for a single year and then see what she thinks after the year is up?

Yeah, she'll miss her boyfriend and he might be "the one" that she'll be with for the following 60 years, but she needs to see the big picture. If she doesn't at least try the scholarship school, she can never have a do-over if she goes to the in-state school and then regrets her decision. She can ALWAYS go to the in-state school and if she hates the scholarship school, she'll be able to come home and head off to the state school with the boyfriend once he graduates high school.

It'll be interesting to read the posts of GardenWeb people who've "been there done that" as far as decisions like hers.

My daughter did the same, and ended up attending a private college in-state because her high school boyfriend was attending there, and they graduated the same year. Before they had even started their Freshman year, they broke up.

Just as much as there is the chance that your daughter's boyfriend may not end up attending the state school, is the chance that their relationship won't last until then.

My daughter ended up having to get financial aid for three of her four years at college, which she is still paying off now ten years later. She accepted the responsibility for her decision and in the end, it worked out, since she ended up meeting her future husband there during her Junior year.

The advantages to us were that she was close enough that we could visit her easily without heavy travel expenses, and she was able to come home as often as she liked, also without considerable cost. If she'd gone with the first offer, we wouldn't have been able to see as much of her as we would have liked to.

The disadvantage was the financing issue, since we had three children in college and another starting two years later, so student aid became a necessity. Our daughter understood this and accepted full responsibility for her choices, and we're blessed that it all worked out so well.

This probably isn't the kind of response you were looking for, but I did want to pass along our experience to show you that it could work out, even though the full ride right now must seem very appealing to you. There are other factors to consider, too, like the expense of travel to and from the other school, and accommodations for you to visit. We are a very close knit family, and enjoy spending time with our children, so having her in-state was a bonus for us as much as it was for her.

I do understand your frustration but I think cooperbaily gave sage advice to have a heart to heart with her. Some of her fears may be justified, and some may simply be normal apprehension at such a big change. Kids don't have to go 2000 miles away to experience some of those same feelings. It's not only the distance - the whole college thing is life altering.

We start in on our kids so young with college pressures (not pointing fingers here it's just the general process) that it's no wonder many of them get cold feet wondering if they are making the right choice for this HUGE decision. They've been told how **IMPORTANT** it is to make good grades, do well in activities and pick a good school - they end up thinking if they make the wrong choice it's going to screw up their lives forever! Poor things.

What they don't have is the wisdom that comes with age - very few IF ANY decisions in life lead into a tunnel with no opportunity to turn around or veer off in another direction.

Without knowing the specifics of the schools in question or her real reasons for hesitating, my inclination would be to gently nudge her in the direction of the scholarship school. After doing the 'numbers' on paper with her and having a heart to heart, you'll know if you should nudge harder or let her make the switch.

But there's one thing I'd tell her, tape a note to her mirror, tattoo on her forehead - anything to get it drilled into her;
NEVER EVER HITCH YOUR WAGON TO A BOY!

Oye. Oye. Oye. I 2nd what Cooper said. Have a sit down chat about real life. There are lots of people I know (me included) who have career changes after schooling but that money owed doesn't disappear! Plus, that money then becomes a factor if you want to go for different schooling that's going to cost more money. Ask me how I know this!? :)

2,000 miles is far away. It would've been a factor for me for sure. I know at that age I was in young love and that probably would've influenced my decision also. Hopefully that doesn't become the bottom line. In the end I believe it all works out. Everything happens for a reason. If I wouldn't of made the choices I did, I wouldn't be where and who I am today. I would've never found my DH and my life would be different.

Congratulations to your daughter! That's a great achievement.

I totally agree with the various comments about not planning one's life around a high school boyfriend and also that 2000 miles away may be a deterrent (some kids don't want to go that far away).

One thing I don't think has been brought up is the sport. Your daughter must be an amazing athlete to get a full ride for a sport - Div III schools are not allowed to give scholarships for sports, there are very few Div IIs so it is likely a Div I school. And that makes the time committment and competition incredibly fierce and demanding. No question that academics suffer with Div I athletes, there just are not enough hours in the day.

Even if she has played this sport at the competitive level her entire life, maybe she is having some hesitation due to the obligation to play. It maybe a great experience but at a very high cost (less time for academics) if she is not seeking a career as a professional athlete.

We have 3 sons that all played high level competitive club and high schools sports their entire lives - we know at least something of what you are going through. All three have now graduated from college (the last one in May, YAY!!!) and only the youngest decided to play sports in college and that was Div III. He declined some great opportunities and scholarships. He decided to go to a little ivy in MA (3500 miles away - aka a full day of travel from greater San Diego). He had Div I opportunities but chose to go Div III and even then he felt the need to hang up his cleats his senior year - it just took too much time from academics and pursuit of a career. I was sad not to see him play that last year but as it turns out, it is quite common that the reality of one's time priorities become apparent and college athletes "retire" without playing all four years. He chose wisely - he is one of the few that got one of those "darn" Wall Street jobs.

Good luck to your daughter.

Without dissing the boyfriend, I'd try to put 'High School Romance' into it's proper perspective. Sure, they're wonderful - while they last. And some can last a lifetime. But it's also worth considering how many married-young folks end up wondering later just what opportunities they never got to explore. Will your daughter really want to spend her whole first year at college surrounded by 1,000's of great college guys never dating any of them? And can she be happy knowing old HS boyfriend is 'untended' back home surrounded by 100's of HS girls? The stress on their romance will be immense; the odds of their staying together - minimal.

I'd try to split out the various issues and look at each one separately. Which is the better school academically? In her area of major? In terms of life-preparation? Which school is the 'better fit' for your daughter's personality? Which school offers more diversity? It's only by seeing how different people live (IMO) that we can really discover who we really are. If she stays close to home and attends a school where her classmates are all 'just like her' -- what exposure will she really get? Which school is better financially and by how much? How would she describe her IDEAL college, and how do each of these schools match up to her list? Does she want a large school? A small one? Residential or commuter? If Boyfriend were to dump her tomorrow, would she change her mind?

Most people thing choosing a college is a one-time choice. It certainly can be -- But she is free to transfer after one year if she wants to. (I'm betting she won't.)

Thank you all very much for the very thoughtful remarks. I appreciate all the comments and you've given me a lot to think about.

As cooper and many others advised, I will sit down with her and talk to her about this. I don't think it will be today, however. Seems I'm getting only 1-word responses and the cold shoulder after she learned we won't pay for the in-state school.

Yes, it is a Div I scholarship that includes tuition, living expenses, books, summer school. Just about everything except spending money. As some have noted, along with with that comes a lot of time with practice and travel commitments. She is required to go to summer school to lighten the load throughout the school year, and that's not sitting well with her either.

None of this has come as a surprise to her because over the years her coaches have explained what it means to be a DI athlete. But now confronted with it, may be a whole new issue. Almost a "Be careful what you wish for" type of thing.

She has about 1 month before she has to sign the Letter of Intent, so hopefully that will be enough time for her to sort it all out.

I overheard her talking about it with a friend and she said she doesn't want to make a big mistake but at the same time would never be going to this university if it weren't for her sport.

golden noted that academics could suffer, which is very true. Fortunately, they have a very organized support system for that which includes tutors and all kinds of academic assistance, from explaining the assignments, to proof reading papers. My guess is she would probably be a better student as an athlete who is monitored in that environment.

The 2000 mile difference is big, but that's what she said she has always wanted, to go somewhere else. I do think she's a little scared, who wouldn't be?

As nanny said, I would miss seeing her and we can't make all the games, and there will be travel and hotel expenses when we see her play, and also flights for her to come home. So it's not without some cost for us to send her there.

To stay back and miss out on what could have been and to have lifelong regrets that she didn't even give it a try, is what I need to emphasize. I don't even want to bring up the whole boyfriend issue - that will alienate her even further.

I'll keep you all posted on what happens, and thanks again :)

sweeby - I missed your post when I was typing my response above.

I agree completely with what you are saying about the boyfriend and the distance and the minimal chance of survival. Also I agree with what you mentioned about weighing the pros and cons of each school.

As adults, we know that is the right way to approach the problem. As a teenager, not so much.

Hopefully, by the time she's ready to talk to me again she will have given her situation some serious thought and can talk with less emotion getting in the way.

You posted after I typed this out.. hopefully you can use some of this..

You've gotten a lot of wonderful advice. If I was in your shoes, I'd take from every post, start getting busy doing a pro & con list.

I like the cost of travel verses what local school would cost.

The only thing I can add to this is 2 kids, one now 32, another 24. Kid 1 (32) was going to go to culinary and did not due to a girl. He blew it off and spent years looking to find what was right for him. While he did marry her, had a child, once the wedding happened (thankfully not big) they lasted another year or 2. He was over the other day saying he wasted his life on her.. he does not regret the child but regrets the choices he made. She could have followed him to school but she called the shots. They ended up moving out of state anyway to be near her parents. He was miserable; couldn't fit in, couldn't find the job of his dreams.

Kid 2; he wanted art college bad; went for a week to try it out and loved it. The next year when the time came he didn't want to do it. Pretty much same story, found someone, didn't want to leave them. He wasn't far either; a little more then an hour away from her but she was high maintenance, wanted him there every night. She used to threaten to kill herself, my son couldn't concentrate on school between her, school work, trying to learn how to use a Mac and his roommates.

He failed the 1st quarter; I begged them to let him come back, they did. He moved back home temporarily; I crossed my fingers, hoping that being away from the roommate would help. It did not. By the 3rd quarter start he was dropping out.

He & the GF stayed together a total of 4 years.. on & off. She threatened suicide/cutting, he'd run to see her; things would be ok, then bad again. She cheated on him multiple times. I didn't support this "relationship" my last straw was when she demanded he not spend time with my dying father. He started lying to me about her, eventually he had to leave my house. Once she had him all to herself he wasn't so appealing any more because the whole appeal was her winning him against "me" She went back to the last guy she cheated on him with & got knocked up. My son hasn't spoken to her since then.

Next is my son's current GF. She graduated in May and decided to further her education to teach. She has not had a job all summer, now she's commuting to Philadelphia 3-5 days per week. I think she said it costs $20 a day for the train, then you have food expenses. Her parents are on her case about paying everything for her; cell phone, car insurance, gas, everything for school, commuting expenses. She has no cash of her own. They pretty much own her and call the shots.

Will you have rules in your house she will have to follow if she stays home? If so, what will those rules be? Will she have to work? Who is paying all of her expenses like my son's GF? Will she have a curfew? What about helping around the house?

BTW, my son met her when she had 1 year of school left. She was 2 hours away. He drove down to see her once or twice per month depending on how much school work she had. She really didn't have much time to devote to a relationship. When school let out for winter break, they spent time together then. Your daughter will see her BF when she comes home.

Hopefully me sharing my story will help you.. if she is staying due to a guy; it's not the right reason to stay. Why can't he follow her to school? Relationships are give and take; one person can't sacrifice their life for the other. There could possible be resentment from your daughter that he held her back from her dreams. In the end, if they do marry, her loans will also be his; not a good way to start a marriage having 2 college loans. Sure, a lot of people have done it but she doesn't have to.

She's very lucky to have been given the scholarship. In these hard times, she might not be so lucky to find a job to pay her loans back. If she stays home, who is to say she can afford to commute to school?

Be sure to add everything and show her the numbers. it took my son forever to pay off his less then 1 year of college. He'd still be paying off another $7,000 had I not paid it off last year - he went in 2003-2004.

Also; even though she will have to pay for school, will the college require some of it paid every month like my son's school? We were paying about $600 per month. He had what was called a parent plus loan I think, they would not give him the loan without me co-signing.

You also have to take into consideration if she will be able to get financial aid. There's a lot to look into in the one month she has to make a decision. She could be possibly throwing away her college dream all together because she may find out that she can't afford to go without the scholarship. If it was me, I'd have her go for the 1st year then see how it is. If she is miserable, then you make arrangements to bring her home to finish; if she's able to transfer credits.

Have you done the FAFSA to see if she qualifies for it?

Good luck. Sorry for the book.

ohmygosh, what a tough situation... Is there by chance an adult she really respects who might set her on the right path?

Thinking about my long post.. I think my main point without the BF would be whether she will be able to go to college if she doesn't accept the scholarship. There's the chance you won't qualify for anything like with my son and she'd have a large loan to pay every month while going.

Good idea, bestyears! Is there a coach or teacher she really respects? Maybe she needs to revisit the college over Christmas? It is way too common for girls to derail over a boy. I sympathize with the cold shoulder treatment that teens of this age are so good at dishing out. Try not to take it personal.

Who is this boy, anyway? How long have they been 'together'? While 2000 miles is a long way away, it would be an amazing opportunity and adventure.

I don't know if there is a right and wrong here. I'd be heartsick if it were my daughter. Hang in there and realize that lecturing her right now won't likely work.

roselvr - thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate all of your thoughts and I empathize with the situation your sons are in.

The reason he will not follow her is because the in-state school has always been his dream school. It is about 90 miles from us, so there would not be any daily commuting.

You bring up some good points about how student loans are paid back, sometimes while still in school.

You asked if the only way she were able to go to college is on a scholarship, and the answer is no. The reason we are not going to pay for this decision is because the choice to follow a boyfriend, when she has done so much to achieve her own goals, just doesn't make any sense.

bestyears - hmmm. Unfortunately she seeks most of her advice from her like-minded friends. She has relied on her coaches throughout the years, but the one she has talked to didn't give her the answer she was looking for and she pretty much rejected his input.

We as parents have lived the experience of bills,life,stress and opportunity and this is a no brainer to us.
But to her, she is emotionally attached to the BF. This will force her to grow up quickly and she may end up making the wrong choice-but only she will know which one that is..

what does she want to study? Is the school for for what she wants? Going into college without a game plan is not a solution. What are the schools strengths? How often will she be able to come home? Has all that been discussed. Good luck and what an awesome stroke of opportunity presented to your DD!

"I overheard her talking about it with a friend and she said she doesn't want to make a big mistake but at the same time would never be going to this university if it weren't for her sport."

If this is true, it's a red flag to me. We have some college athletes in the family, and it has always been recommended that one go to a school where you'd be happy even if you weren't playing the sport. Injuries happen, for one thing. And it may be that the life of a D1 athlete isn't the thing for her ... it *is* a full-time job, after all. You definitely earn that scholarship.

Sports should be fun. Going to a school solely to do the sport ... I don't know. If it all works together, it's wonderful. But it's a good way to sour someone on the sport AND the school, if it isn't the right combination.

That said, I decided to go to a school and NOT concentrate on my sport. I walked on and made the team -- and joined a sorority and did all the social stuff I thought I wanted to do. But in the end, I wished I'd chosen a different school and continued to play and not done the social route after all. HOwever, I didn't know that until I tried. It's just one of those things ... better learned sooner than later, I guess.

She can always transfer if it doesn't work out. :-)

(Now, the BF thing is a separate issue, and others have covered it just fine. Hard to explain to a teenager, I'm sure.)

I'll play devil's advocate:

Every family is different. We have a VERY close family and my parents would have happily paid for a college closeby than one fully paid 2000 miles away. Sounds like your family is a little more adventuresome than ours-LOL! 2000 miles is a very long way away from home, so, she really could be thinking she would miss home AND her boyfriend. Not all kids are wired to go out and explore the world. Some are just happy with a good education and to be around family and friends. I know the only time I lived far away from my parents at the age of 28, I was homesick the whole time.

The first college I went to was a smaller one, full scholarship, but I absolutely hated it, although not 2000 miles away. I was there 2 years. I then went to a larger one closer to home (and where my BF was), and did much better. I just felt more a part of things. But, that is just me.

Statistically, your daughter and her BF won't end up together, but, she can still have an education at a closer college. Believe me, it is not all worth all the arguments and heartache you may have forcing your hand at the college far away. I have lived through that. If you couldn't afford it, and she knows you can, obviously, then you may want to think about just letting things be.

Tough job you got there Mom. 17 year olds think they know sooo much more than parents, and when it comes to BF's...well...what do WE know?

If it were me, I'd tell my kid to go for the school. It'd be scary and lonely (yes, it'll be lonely) but give it a shot. If she doesn't like it after 2 terms, she comes home and doesn't look back. Odds are she'll find she loves it and BF will be long gone by the end of the first term.

I've done tough love stuff like this with my kids and they later told me they appreciated it. Until she's old enough to no longer be a dependent, you should be the one to tell her how to get through life. Just sayin...

I think I am in the tough love camp, too. At 17, kids don't yet have the ability to make good decisions for themselves. I would have the talks everyone else has suggested, do a lot of listening, but try to find a way to push her toward the scholarship without being too terribly heavy-handed. Remember that old thing from when they were little...better to be authoritative than authoritarian. Good luck. I don't envy you...

Doesn't she have to sign a letter of intent at the D1 school very soon?

Segbrown makes this very valid point: If this is true, it's a red flag to me. We have some college athletes in the family, and it has always been recommended that one go to a school where you'd be happy even if you weren't playing the sport. Injuries happen, for one thing. And it may be that the life of a D1 athlete isn't the thing for her ... it *is* a full-time job, after all. You definitely earn that scholarship. Two thousand miles is an awfully long way away if she's unhappy there. Is she passionate about her sport, or is she just lucky to be very good at it? How long has she been in the sport and passionate about it? Passion makes all the difference.

As the mother of six kids who all went to college, I know how important it is to accept scholarships when they are available. And I know the pride of having children offered scholarships. But I would never, ever withhold money to force a kid to do what I want him/her to do. If you do that, you are having nothing more than a battle of wills; she is in control of her own will and may exercise it when she is at college, perhaps without even realizing she's doing it. It may be your money, but it is her education. And it is the education that is important here, not the sport.

Here's another angle to consider and I'm sorry if it gives you more to worry about. This is a difficult time for many parents. You said that she's 17. Do you think she'll be ready for college in 10 months? You mentioned that she's listening to her 'like minded' friends. That's probably typical teen behavior but is she mature enough to make her own decisions? If she's miffed about attending this college do you feel she'll try her best?

My middle son was gifted both academically and athletically but just wasn't interested in discussing college. There were several college coaches who wanted to contact him during his eligibility period but he declined. His senior year of high school he worked part time in a restaurant and considered attending the Culinary Institute of America to become a chef. But he wasn't sure about that either. After graduation he worked full time in the restaurant.

One of my daughter's college professors asked me if her younger brother was thinking about attending her college. I told him that he seemed unsure and was going to work after college. The professor gave me some advice that made me feel better. He said the worst thing I could do was insist that my son attend college. He felt that the biggest reason freshman perform poorly or even drop out is that they're just not ready. It's not just about being smart enough - they also need to be mature enough. He said that the last thing my son needed at that time was to start college when he was ambivalent and then have a poor experience.

So where is my son now? He worked for one year, then went to college and graduated at the top of his class then managed a small restaurant for a year and is now finishing his final year of law school. We weren't thrilled that he didn't go to college after graduation- we worried that he'd never get his act together. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that he took responsibility for his decisions.

to counterpoint mcmann story, here is mine. I have very bright son as well, who was not interested going to college. He was National Merit Honors scholarship recipient and you have to go to college after HS or you loose it. We came up with couple of choices that we thought might work for him and talked him into going to the one we thought fit him best. First time ever he has been academically challenged. As the other kids in his college are similar to him, he has made many friends, loves it there and considers it his other home, they all do.
So I am in the camp where, if you think it is appropriate for your family, I would insist her trying the school out for at least 1 semester. If she does not like it fine, she can always come back home, but I bet, if she does not take the scholarship now, it will not be waiting her in the future either.

While I agree with mcmann in the case where you'd have to get financial aid (even then I think it's easier for a HS senior to get aid than someone out of school 1 yr), we're talking about a *full* scholarship here.

Yes, 2000 miles is a long way, but with the scholarship you'd at least have $ to have her come home for holidays. I went to school 700 miles away but my family was so poor (and my DB was starting college a year later, my mom was also working on her degree locally) that I could not afford plane tickets - I did take the train to college by myself (with all my 'stuff") and then back for Xmas, but I ended up staying in the dorm over spring break b/c I couldn't afford to go home. By end of freshman year I had found a job so got an apt and started working that summer, went back to school in the fall and continued that way for 4 more years (declared independence from my parents so I would get more aid, but had to support myself a year first), taking 5 yrs to graduate since I worked FT every other semester in a co-op agreement. I had a tuition-only scholarship but lost it after the first year (little fish in big pond syndrome like mcmann described - I'd never had to actually *study* before, was shocked to find that I couldn't pass tests just by having done the HW, developed test anxiety).

I'd say encourage her to take the scholarship - the first couple years of school are pretty much the same basic courses (that's why a lot of people go to community colleges and then transfer), so even if the school doesn't offer the subject she'd really like to major in, she could transfer after a year or two. Hopefully she'll do well that first year - as you said, she'd have tutors and a lot of support she wouldn't have if she went somewhere else.

And I have to repeat the sage advice - "Never, ever hitch your wagon to a boy!"

I'd also encourage her to take the scholarship. My son plays Div1 sports at a large state university, and it was hard for him Freshman year. It was a huge time commitment, but he loved being part of the team. They give them extra perks and scheduling preference, so there is alot of good things that these athletes get.

I think you should approach this with two angles. One, perhaps she can come home in the summer and take classes at a local college vs. staying there all summer - that is a bit daunting to think she'll be gone 4 years with no summers back home.

Also, your letter of intent is only a 1 year commitment. They are renewed each year, but she could always decline if she want to after her first year. Also, if she does very well at her sport, she could maybe get a scholarship at the state school.

What sport does she play? My last comment is her BF is going to be in HS next year, so he wouldn't be at college anyways. Go to the Div 1 school, give it a year, see what happens with the relationship and she can decide what she wants to do after that first year.

Carol, at my son's D1 school, they stayed at school all summer to practice with the team. No let ups.

As for financial aid, that program is available no matter how old your are or how long you've been out of school. National Merit Scholarships are not financial aid and must be used the year after hs graduation. She doesn't have a merit scholarship.

It doesn't sound like the OP needs financial aid. She mentioned flying to her dtr's games.,..that takes moolah.

Especially because the dtr is not thrilled about academics OR the college, and OP hasn't mention passion about the sport, I think forcing her to go is a very bad idea.

Sorry to be such a naysayer...again...but keep in mind that MOST of the players on the team do not get any playing time at all. They practice, practice, practice and practice, but at game time, they are on the sidelines. The core of the team plays every down or minute of the game with a few subs. And unless your dtr is truly outstanding and has had offers from several teams willing to fight over her, freshmen rarely play at all.

I wish you good luck and peace of mind.

I'll preface my remarks by saying that I have never understood the whole sports "thing." I play tennis and I ski, but I would never want to do either for a career or spend ALL my free time doing them.

Unless I was fairly certain that my child would make playing the sport their career, I would never make a decision of what college to go to based on playing said sport (unless financially that was the only way to pay for college, but that is not the case here.)

The most important issue is to find a school that your daughter will be happy at for the person she is now. 17 is young, and 2000 miles is a long ways away. I agree the BF issue should not be a major factor, but it IS for her (going away means essentially saying good bye to that relationship, something she apparently feels emotionally not ready to do). And to force her to do what you want by withholding financial support otherwise may come back to bite you for a long time.

I would step away from the issue for a bit. And then, when both of you are calmer, ask her when a good time to talk would be. And then LISTEN to her. Let her know that you both have the same objective- that she get a good education, that she prepare for a bright future with options, that she be happy. Listen to her perspective, and then gently tell her yours- that as an older person you have seen that relationships of people her age usually don't last and that you don't want her to limit her choices because of that factor alone.

There is still time to go back to the drawing board on this. But making this a contest of wills may leave bad feelings for a long time.

Thank you for the additional point of view, both pro and con.

To answer a couple of questions, the reason my daughter wouldn't be going to the school 2000 miles away if not for her sport is because she never would have thought of it. Just like the thought of going somewhere in Maine or Idaho, never crossed her mind. The school came to light because of her sport. When she visited the school she liked the area, the campus, the team and the coaches.

Her passion for the sport and the time she's spent doing it was also asked. She started when she was 10 and since then has worked on her basketball game 12 months a year. I will say her passion has waned somewhat since the BF, but it has always been her goal to take this to college. Her MySpace page says it is her dream.

shermann - first of all congrats on having 6 college grads. That's quite an accomplishment! You mentioned something I thought interesting, and most likely what my daughter is thinking, that we are withholding money to get her to do what we want.

I see it as not endorsing and supporting a bad choice. I would never suggest either outright or by action that it is ok to put aside your goals and everything you've worked for, for a BF. In my mind, that's not ok. It's not part of being an independent person and learning to take care of yourself as a woman.

Playing time on the team is not an issue right now. No one knows how much time she will get until she gets on the floor with the team.

She has one month until the National Letter of Intent has to be signed.

I know she has been thinking a lot about this and has had a conversation with the BF. She wasn't very happy when she got off the phone. I think I'll give it a couple days to see what she comes up with.

Thank you all so much for sharing your own personal stories and your advice. I appreciate all of the different points of view. Ill let you know how this turns out.

We live in CA, my DD goes to college in Florida. She didn't know anyone, hadn't visited the school, got $$ and went. She's very happy, and admits that she'd have never done this if she hadn't gotten the money. She was a rather shy kid in HS, and she's blossomed.

I think your DD should jump on it. If she hates it, she can transfer. But scholarships are few and far between, and that a school thinks enough of her and her talents to write a check is a big deal. Certificates and trophies are nice, but graduating without student loan debt is great. She'll be free to take a year off after she graduates--freedom that not every student gets.

And the BF can come visit. OR he can transfer. Or she can meet another one.

I grew up in Montana, went to school on the East Coast, and I think distance isn't as big a deal today as it was then. No, she can't bring her laundry home on weekends, but being a grownup means learning to take care of yourself.

Many employers are very impressed with college athletes--esp. those who were scholarship winners. Grad schools as well. This is a choice that can open doors for her for the rest of her life.

I haven't read all of the other comments, but I just want to say that I empathize with your situation because my DS, who is also a senior, is losing his mind a little bit each day! I think this is such a stressful time and having to make this decision can be harrowing for a 17 year old. We don't have any scholarships coming our way, and we don't know which schools DS will/won't get into, but it seems like he changes his mind almost daily now about which school he likes best. His #1 choice is a "reach," his #2 and #3 schools seem more realistic and he has had the same order for #1-3 on his list of schools (8 total) for about a year now. Suddenly he sprung it on me in the college counselor's office at his high school: "I'm not sure if #2 school is the right fit for me." Huh? Why? Well, he didn't give me a straight answer and later I found out that an acquaintance of his, a current freshman, is struggling a bit (well, it's only a month into the school year). Aha. And, oddly enough, one of his BFF's is at #3 school and having a great time... mostly going to concerts and movies, from what I can tell.

It's a crazy time.

It is a crazy time! At least your kids don't want to attend University in the middle east! 2000 miles seems close. LOL!

I am of the same mind as Barb5. I have a DD freshman at a small private college this year. She did receive the Presidential Scholarship to this school, but her happiness with where she is learning is the most important thing to our family.

I guess I just don't get this whole sports thing if it doesn't have a thing to do with what the student's passion/career interests are?

I don't think I would hold my DD hostage by withholding financials for a school at which she may find her passion, carve out a lifetime career. Just seems wrong to me. However, it is your child, your money and your relationship with your child.

I feel badly the BF has become an issue, but it seems as though her hesitation is a little deeper than the BF. Just my $.02.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

How are you making out with your DD?

"I guess I just don't get this whole sports thing if it doesn't have a thing to do with what the student's passion/career interests are? "

Lots of employers like people who've played team sports, especially at the collegiate level. For women, it's a huge advantage, even in unrelated career fields.

Thanks for asking how things are going.

Here is what has transpired. My husband and I gave her a few days and then talked to her. As many had suggested, we told her we wanted her to try the scholarship offer for one year and if it didn't work out, she could transfer to wherever she wanted to. She decided to mull that over.

The next day, I talked to her alone. I explained what was really bothering me about her wanting to follow the BF and give up the scholarship. The following is a very condensed version.

It was a long story that at first she didn't understand where it was going. Since she was still giving me the cold shoulder, I also initially received some eye rolling in the begining. In a nutshell, I explained how my generation of women worked very hard to get college degrees and establish careers, and we faced a lot of discrimination from our male-only management. I added a few true stories as examples.

I went on to tell her that as a group, my generation of women continued our careers after having children and again we faced a lot of negativity from men and women, young and old, and in some cases criticism from our own mothers. Again I added a few personal examples.

Finally, she interrupted and asked what this had to do with anything. Now I could make the point I wanted to. I told her that she needed to carve out a niche for herself, independent of any man, to create something in her own right that she could fall back on, because nothing is ever certain in life. Again, I had some true life examples.

I could see she was listening and hearing me, and when I finished, she just said - I don't know what you want me to say. I replied, I only want you to acknowledge this. She said, OK - I hear ya.

Over the next few days, she has seemed much happier and has started hinting that she is going to take the scholarship, but there has been no announcement, yet.

Good for you-- sometimes it's easy to forget that kids don't actually understand recent history and events on the same level as those of us who lived through them!

Sounds like you had a great talk. I like how you did it; and the examples you gave with women our age and how we fought hard to be where we are. Not sure I would have thought of that. :)

Glad to hear it's not only my daughter with eye rolling. lol

Keep us posted.

What an excellent way to get your point across. I loved that you were able to utilize her interruption and "what's this have to do with anything" comment (gee, how many times have I heard that!) to drive the message home. It sounds like she's mulling something around in her mind.

This brings to mind something I read years ago in a parenting book... Tough times with our children are actually opportunities in disguise. i.e. problems with friends are opportunities to have meaningful discussions with them about relationships, loyalty, etc. And this discussion sounds so powerful -I wonder if it would have happened otherwise?

That sounds perfect - you planted the seed and sometimes that's all that we can do. The hardest part of parenting is sitting back and allowing those seeds we plant to take root. From experience with my boys, the less said now the better because it gives her the chance to work this around in her head so it feels like her decision. The more she can *own* this the better off she'll be.

Just bumping this up for an update --
Any news?

Thanks for asking sweeby.

The NCAA signing period starts on Nov 11. All indications are that she will be reluctantly signing, but until I actually see it happen, who knows.....

She says she's going, then she says she doesn't want to, then she says she's leaving for college in 8 months, then she says she's not going.....

It's a crazy time, for sure !!!! :)

I figured I'd chime in since I work in college admission.

She needs to come around and WANT to go. I've seen some students go to a school out of obligation and the results aren't great. The fact is that when you're happy, you're more engaged and you learn more. If she winds up at that other university, she may do small things to sabotage herself...maybe not consciously.

I personally think our (my profession) pushing seniors to make decisions this early isn't the best for them. My school did away with early action and early decision for many reasons, but I think a happy by product of the move is that seniors make their final decision when their lives are a little more settled. In the fall, they have just started the heaviest courseload they've ever taken, they're suddenly the "leaders" of their activities, and they feel pressured to make a decision about where they'll spend the next four years of their lives. It's unfortunate that we heap all of this on them at once.

I personally committed to a school through early decision and was grateful that I wasn't admitted because by April, my first choice had changed! There is so much development during this first semester...so much uncertainty!

Hang in there, Thunder. I hope things settle down soon! Maybe you need to push her to start filling out all of those other applications...at least it's something concrete she can do (and must do, regardless of her letter of intent). Good luck!

I wanted to give everyone an update regarding the scholarship. Yesterday was the 1st day of the official NCAA signing period. Her scholarship papers had been fedexed from the University a few days ago.

She didn't sign in the morning, or the afternoon, but last night she asked where the papers were, filled them out and signed her name on the line.

I know she's proud of this accomplishment, but also still has some mixed feelings.

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions, comments, and interest.

Thanks for the update!

"She needs to come around and WANT to go. I've seen some students go to a school out of obligation and the results aren't great. The fact is that when you're happy, you're more engaged and you learn more. If she winds up at that other university, she may do small things to sabotage herself...maybe not consciously."

That's a really good point Jeannine made, and one I know you will consider seriously.
As the mother of a new college freshman, I can absolutely attest to the importance of loving your new school. DS is more engaged than he's ever been, and is much more successful in college to date than he ever was in high school. A big, big part of that is how much he likes his college and how 'at home' he feels there -- all of which was very evident from our first visit there.

If your daughter's feelings are still mixed, have her hold onto the papers and actually visit the school in question. There's just nothing like a campus visit to test the 'feel' of a school. If she falls in love and gets 'charged' about it - great! If not, better to know now...