I can't comment on the question you have posed. But don't make the assumption that you have been judged and fallen short as the reason for their lack of interaction. When people act strange, it seldom is about you, it's about them.

I wouldn't take this personally. Just because your daughter is friends with their daughter doesn't mean you parents have to be good friends too. In the interactions you have had - good or bad, are you comfortable with your daughter spending time at their home? I'm assuming so since you're allowing her to go on vacation with them! Is it hard on the third friend to not be invited on either vaca? That's a little off topic but I thought of it immediately when there's only 3 friends its hard.

From my experience I have several really good friends that I've met over the years that have kids in my son's class - that's how we met. However, our children are really not friends at all - especially since they're now in HS and go to totally different schools. On the other hand, my younger son has friends who's parents I'm friendly to, but really don't want to get into a friendship or extensive conversations with - we're just different people. I say hi, and wave when dropping off my son, etc. but I do not linger to discuss the latest goings on or whatever we could talk about.

I know these parents, they know us and in some cases we're friends and others just acquaintances. Both scenarios work for me!

I think the fact that both sets of parents are allowing their children to spend a week with the other says alot and leans towards them not judging you at all.

I've lived in several parts of the country and have noticed in that in some regions people are more extroverted and friendly, and in others they're more private and interact with each other much less. They could just be more private and/or feel uncomfortable in social settings. After some experiences we've had, my DH & I are homebodies and not real "social birds". Depending on the situation, it can take a while for us to feel comfortable with new people. I wouldn't read anything into it and just let time take it's course.

caroleoh, yes, I am comfortable with my daughter spending time in their home. My daughter sleeps over there 1-2x a month, so her going on vacation with them is just more of the same. Our house is much smaller than theirs and they have more stuff so the sleepovers are mostly at the other girl's house. But during the school year, her friend is here almost every day after school because after-school activities prevent the girls from taking the busses home, and her parents are both medical professionals working long hours and can't pick her up. Our house is within walking distance to the school, and if I can, I pop over in the car and pick them up. They do homework or hang out here until one of her parents comes back from work and can get her. It does occur to me that they--the parents--probably depend on this arrangement too much. Sometimes no one comes for her until 6 or 7 o'clock, by which time she's had dinner with our family. And it can cause some problems if we have to leave the house, because I don't know what to do with her. Sometimes, I just bring her to whatever appointment or errand we're going too...it begins to sound a little off, doesn't it...

There are thoughts that struck me when reading your question:

Perhaps this set of working parents are a bit embarassed that their daughter has to spend more time at your house because of their long hours .... they may feel that THEY somehow fall short in YOUR eyes! It is so kind and totally generous that this girl CAN and DOES spend lots of time at your place when her parents are working! So this vacation is their way of paying you back -- or supporting the kindness. However if the arrangement works out for everyone (including both girls) -- it may be "just the way things work" for now. And yes! they do depend on this arrangement! Sooooo -- you MIGHT have to let them know well in advance when you have schedule conflicts.

Jan

Yes, it does sound like they're taking a bit of advantage of you with the after school thing. I think everyday would be a bit much - maybe even too much togetherness for the girls!

This coming school year, I would continue the practice if you feel comfortable with it, but on days when you have something going on or a place to be, I'd just drop her off at home after school. You're still being above board in taking their daughter home, but you really shouldn't feel like you need to babysit a 16 year old. She should be fine at home for a few hours by herself.

Will they be driving this coming year?

caroleah, funny thing about the driving is that this girl's parents are really pushing her to get her permit and her license. They have even bought her a brand new car (cute, convertible) anticipating that once she drives, she can chauffeur their other kids (4, altogether, ranging from about 9 - 14 years old) to THEIR activities. The girl doesn't want to take care of her sibs transportation (they all have multiple social/athletic activities) so she is very reluctant to get her license.

My daughter has no desire to drive either (gosh! I know it sounds weird, when every other 16 year old is begging to drive, right?) but for different reasons. She is a homebody, loves hanging out with the family, reading, playing with neighborhood kids, etc. Also, my husband and I are available and easy-going and make sure she gets where she needs/wants to go. Plus, she's afraid of getting hurt/hit. She's a bit younger than most of the kids in her class (Late summer birthday). Oh, also we deliberately bought a house within walking distance of our town's "main drag," which is very pedestrian friendly so she can get out and be on her own either on bike or on foot.

As for taking her daughter home myself, their house is far from town, about 15 minutes, in a direction away from everything I need to usually do, so it's adding at least a 20-30 minute ride, out of my way to bring her home. I have brought her home when there's been no alternative, but don't want to make it a habit.

And yes, I do expect the girls to carry on with their current after-school arrangement and I'll encourage it. They do homework, they look at fashion magazines, they watch TV. It's good for both of them, but yeah, I'm going to have to give a little more thought to our evening schedules.

With regard to the weird feeling I get from the parents, maybe it's just that they're very work oriented, don't "see" us, aren't that interested. I've known people like that before, people so focussed on their own stuff that others are just kinda peripheral. Oh FWIW, both parents are surgeons and I commented to DH that I wondered how they were w/patients. DH said "hey, the patients they get are out cold. No bedside manner needed!" I thought that was funny...

I think they are deliberately keeping their distance because they're embarrassed that you're watching their daughter when they should be more involved with her than they are.

Thank goodness the girl has you and your family. Her life would be mighty lonely without you.

But I have a question....

What's going on with the other kids after school? Who are they staying with? How are they getting to their activities now?

Thank you for your responses. You've all given me so much to think about. I do, in some ways, feel concerned for this girl. At different times our house has become a second home to various fledgling children. This girl's parents have actually forbidden her to come to our house for periods of time when they decide she's getting too comfortable. This I think is their embarassment about how it "looks" to spend so much time here. Whenever she tells me about these embargoes, I assure her she's always welcome and isn't in the way at all. But, I also say it's their call, they're her parents, they have their reasons.

Really, it just doesn't seem a big deal to have her and DD sitting at the kitchen counter talking to me while I cook dinner and talk to them about school or whatever. They help prep food, they do their homework. Plus, DD is having fun. If that changed, it wouldn't happen this way.

monablair, I see what you mean about the other kids, and what do they do. Basically, parents pick them up, they have cars, or they take the "late bus." School lets out at 2:30, so if you have to see a teacher for 10 minutes or are in a club for an hour, you have to wait quite a while to get the 5 pm "Late bus." Plus, the ride home on the "late bus" is much longer and winds all over our district because the route is dictated by whomever is on that bus, not like the "regular" busses which have their routes done in a geographically orderly way. Since for us, the school is 15 mins. on foot, 5 mins. by car, I'd rather pop down if possible to get them home after school so they can get started on homework or just have time to unwind.

Thank goodness we've gotten by with my working very part-time so I can be available in this way. This is our family's biggest luxury: a mostly SAHM. We made the choice early on to do it this way, to give up certain things in order to have a low-key household without stress. I have another, younger child besides DD. DH does okay, which is alot to be thankful for, esp. now, but I have to admit, when I drive this girl home and wind up the driveway of the family's castle like home, I do feel a twinge of envy...oh...and then I tell myself not to be a baby and count my blessings!

judith, I only asked about the other children because I wondered if other families were taking the kids into their homes until the parents got home.
Certainly, at least I hope not, they wouldn't leave the 3 smaller children in the care of the 14 yr old until they get home from the office.

I have no doubt that this girl prefers being at your home rather than being at her own home. These parents see this and they're probably jealous.

You're her safety harbor. Bless you for being there for her...... Money isn't everything in this world.

A couple of things come to mind here. The first is that I usually prefer to keep my DD's friend's parents at a healthy arms length. The reason is mostly because if the girls' relationship gets strained, it feels awkward for me to be buddies with Mom.

A few years back, I met a woman through my DD's school....her daughter was in the same school. She and I became fairly close, but my DD really did not like the daughter. We socialized a bit on the weekends and DD went grudgingly for a while and then later started to refuse. When DD's birthday rolled around, I felt like I needed to invite my friend's daughter...DD said she'd "ruin" the party for her.

We do still socialize every now and then with other school families, but only if we feel they're really interesting people. It is also easier now that DD is in high-school. Middle school girls have relationships that are complicated enough without the added layer of complexity that whole-family friendships bring.

I also can fall into the trap of feeling judged when people are less than friendly. I have to remind myself that maybe they're just introverted. As others have suggested, maybe the parents feel a bit guilty and don't know who to deal with that, so they just give you the brush-off to minimize their own discomfort. They may also just not have any extra juice left for social interactions after what sounds like incredibly demanding workdays. They may be unhappy people or just going through a rough patch. It's hard to be nice to others when you are suffering. My guess is that its a mixture of some or all of these things.

Finally, though you are going above and beyond in your generousity towards this girl, I do not think you need to reevaluate the situation or figure out a way to back off. Being the home that everyone flocks to is a great blessing. You are a blessing for those "fledgling" kids and a blessing to your own kids. It is a huge compliment that your DD wants to be home with you. And you are lucky she's not off elsewhere...so many kids just can't escape their homes/parents fast enough.

Before you know it they'll all be off to college and you'll miss them terribly. We were the-house-everyone-comes-to in middle school and I just loved knowing my daughters friends. Now, she is a day-student at a boarding school and their social life is largely confined to campus. We hardly ever see her friends and the house is quiet on weekends. I miss the old days!

I grew up in one of those houses where kids congregated-- I also had friends with homes like that. My parents were always very familiar with our friends but much less so with the parents. They knew the parents well enough to talk to them about concerns or problems but they definitely didnt socialize with them-- some of my siblings had friends whose parents were my parents friends but I didnt. I should also add that I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone-- at least by name and sight.

I have to add a twist to the parents who are not all that eager to be friendly. Everyone is so quick to assume that there is some kind of judgement going on-- they are embarrassed that you are judging them or you are thinking they are judging you. Truth is, they have high pressure demanding jobs-- my job is not nearly as stressful or demanding as a surgeon's, but when I come home after a 12 hr day, I rarely want to chat with neighbors-- I often don't even want to talk to friends. I find it especially hard to talk to my neighbor who doesn't work-- she is all fully of energy and enthusiasm for adult conversation and she comes up with all sorts of excuses to talk and all I want to do is sit down and clear my head. I do tend to be introverted so I actually NEED that time. Surgeons also tend to be introverted types so I could easily see that they aren't meaning to be rude or cold-- they are just in their own heads.

I definitely wouldnt take it personally-- and I would hesitate to jump to judgement of them.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh, funkyart, I see these parents not just after work but also on weekends under relaxed conditions so I don't think it's entirely work-related exhaustion.

And amysrg, I totally see the reason to keep children's friend's parents at arms length. That is a tough situation you describe with your daughter's party. Wow! I don't know what I'd have done.

I just want to make clear that I'm not looking for new best friends, but these folks seem to do what they can to avoid interaction.

Example: when they come to pick their daughter up from my house, instead of coming to the door and ringing the bell they sit in their car in my driveway with the engine running and call their daughter on her cell-phone and tell her (usually holler, actually!) to get outside. I can see doing that (minus the hollering part) when you're in a huge rush, but gosh, not every day!

Oh well. This is beginning to sound like a "different strokes for different folks" scenario, right? I'll think about it some more...but not too much! Seems time to let it go.

But you've all been so great to lend your thoughts and feedback! Thanks again.

I grew up in a small town also where everybody knew everybody. Our house was the hang out place in the high school years. My parents and my friend's parents didn't really interact. The wave, the hi, the occassional small talk, but nothing more. Growing up, my best friend's Mom wasn't really a plesant person. She didn't care for Mom (Dad worked a lot so Mom could be home with more) and for the life of me I still can't figure out why because my Mom is awesome and everyone loves her. That being said, before we were old enough to drive when picking up or dropping off, them or us, the parents never came to the door that I can think of. Smile and wave. I don't think anyone really thought anything of it. When we were small I remember some more interaction but I think once everyone made sure the situation was safe and nobody was nutty that was the end of it.

I'm not near as close to that friend anymore but am actually best friends with another girl from our little group. Our Moms have hung out since we've become bbf. Her Mom is just as awesome as my Mom though. Our families have gone out for dinners, beach trips..

The family is probably partially embarrased of the situation and it also sounds like maybe they're more introverted. Maybe part of the Mom wishes she would've stayed home more to spend time with her kids? Sounds like from the size of their house that might not be an option even if she wanted to.

I'm also more of an introverted person so it should be interesting when we have kids. I feel very umcomfy around people I don't know. My Mom was that way growing up but pushed passed it once us kids were born and you'd never know it.