I don't have kids, so I can't answer the questions posted, but I have a suggestion. I think I would allow the boy to come and hang out at your house. I think it would be pretty out of the norm for a 16 year old girl not to have had guy *visitors*. In my opinion, those visits are going to help prepare her for dating. She'd get used to being alone with a guy (supervision of course), etc. BEFORE actually dating. I think the more at ease she feels being around the/a guy, the more self-confident she will be when she starts dating. That's important if she gets into a situation where someone is trying to talk her into something she is not ready for, etc. Plus, it will help you, as parents, get to know the guy better and hopefully feel better when the time comes for them to go out alone.

tina (just my opinion of course!)

Well, I have a DD who is just about the same age. She returned home from summer camp "in love." Now, they are parted and she is in a state. I consider myself lucky -- she had all the fun, her first little kiss, dancing the slow dances -- and now I don't have to deal with the escalation.

I would offer you this advice, based on what has come to be known in my house as The Barbie Principle. :-)

When DD was very young, she realllly wanted a Barbie. I felt they were disgusting, made in China, reinforced an unhealthy body image, and all that feminist stuff. No Barbies in my house!

One weekend morning, she came into our room and climbed into bed with us and continued to snooze. She was muttering something about Barbies in her sleep! I decided then and there I would get her a Barbie. So, we went to a couple of yard sales and scored the contraband....a whole handful of them, complete with skanky outfits.

Now that she had the forbidden fruit, they went promptly into the corner and were rarely if ever played with.

The lesson is that whenever we forbid things, they just become even more desirable. At DD's camp this year, sleep-overs between dorm rooms (they're on a college campus) were forbidden. DD said there were more sleepovers than ever before. They were dubbed ISOs -- illegal sleep overs. There were still girls sneaking up and down the halls to sleep in other girls' rooms. I think the policy essentially backfired.

I also watched two kids in my daughter's circle of friends who were a couple for almost two years during middle school. The boy's mother was outraged. (We had a long and strange conversation on the phone before a party we hosted one weekend.) My daughter really felt those kids would have broken up, were it not for the mother being in such an uproar over the relationship.

I am not saying that you should change your rules about no dating before 16, but you might think about what telling them to "keep it at school" might mean. There will perhaps be a greater incentive to sneak around and that is not something you want to start. I am sure you have a terrific daughter, as do I, but being somewhere on the spectrum of not-telling-your-parents-everything to outright lying is normative behavior for teens.

I feel that the more I honor and embrace my daughters perceived needs, the more compliant she is with regard to my needs as a mother...keeping her safe, expecting certain standards of behavior, etc.

I wish you all the best. This is a big transition for everyone. It seems that as Mothers, we get all of the pain and worry, and none of the fun of puppy love. I guess that's just the way it goes. Be thankful that she gets to start taking baby steps toward adulthood before leaving home, while she still has the parental safety net.

Well, I may not handle things the way that many others would, but I've seen a lot of stuff happen to families over my lifetime, and I am pretty conservative. Until each of my children was old enough to actually get serious about someone and do something about it, they were not allowed to date. They could go to movies in groups or to parties that were chaperoned, (ie; either we were there with other parents or parents I trusted were there to keep things light and fun) they sometimes invited other teens to go camping with us or to get-togethers at our home or other friend's homes. In other words, no pairing off at all. At all. That does not mean there would be no private conversations in a corner of the room, or no quiet talks with someone as a group walked on the beach. But my DH (and fortunately, most all of our adult friends) and I agree, that once you are considered a couple or dating or whatever you want to call it when two people are boyfriend/girlfriend.......emotions run high, couples can quite quickly become infatuated or even feel that they are in love, and with those strong feelings comes the deep desire to do more. I don't want my 16 year old daughter to do more. I don't want my 17 year old son to do more and end up on the Dr. Phil show waiting for the baby to come and discussing keeping it vs. adoption. I am a very realistic person and the reality of it is this....Once you cross that threshold of being a couple, holding hands and a goodnight hug/kiss become Not Quite Enough. If you read the statistics, a huge huge huge percentage of young teens are having oral sex and other forms of sexual activity as well. We did not want that for our children. With sex comes responsibility and always........the risk of pregnancy or an STD.

It's not a decision that many would agree with, but for us, it was the right one and one that served to protect our own children, and other's children too by association.

Red

My kids are a long ways from this, but I just want to add my 2 cents. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, always chaperoned, never got "the talk". Please allow your DD to "date" but don't allow her to get exclusive. Invite Joe over, let them hang out with the family and other friends. But talk to her over the next couple of years about hanging out with other guys too, don't let her "go steady" during HS. My HS BF proposed, I turned him down to go to college, but I met someone right away there. Got exclusive real fast, it lasted 8 years, he met someone else and I married the next guy who asked. DH was a friend of a friend, a real nice guy, so I figured I could ease back into dating with him. It's lasted almost 20 years, but sometimes I wish I were more "experienced" (not sexually, but relationship-wise). I really wish I had dated more (casually) and not gone right from one "exclusive" (at least on my part) relationship to another, and then another. I "belonged" to someone from age 18 til age 25, and I think I would have developed more a sense of self (and self-worth) if I had not been in an exclusive relationship (with someone who didn't quite treat me as "worthy") during those years.

I'm so with RedBazel on this one!! Delay, delay, delay as long as you can. Keep her busy in other activities and interests and spend time with her as a family. She's going to be off to college soon enough and out of the house. You and your husband have a solid marriage; she would benefit more from witnessing that than "gaining experience" dating emotionally-immature teen boys.

Red said:
"Once you cross that threshold of being a couple, holding hands and a goodnight hug/kiss become Not Quite Enough."

Every little step you let her take now, she's going to want to go that much further with the next guy.

What's the rush?

I'm with Red as well. I am really, really with Red.

I'd tell her boys only want one thing at this age. To lose their virginity. LOL! (I just finished raising two sons.) Boys can be rascals. As the mom of two young men, I have heard plenty of college age guy talk around the kitchen table between friends.

Some girls they respect and others they don't. The ones they don't respect are the ones they sleep with. Around here, Max says it is amazing to see how many girls can be seen walking back to their residents at 7 AM, obviously still in last nights clothing. He calls it "The 7 AM walk of shame." Trust me, the girls who return to their residents to shower before school, won't be the ones they bring home to meet these their families.

I *really* wish my mom would have made some rules. I eventually gave in to the pressure of my steady boyfriend, who kept wanting more. Gave in ONCE and I got pregnant. It was a life altering 10 minutes. (Likely wasn't even that long. LOL!)

Perhaps some "family" evenings could be arranged -- cooking dinner (make HIM work! LOL), setting the table, then eating around the table and a movie on DVD? Just so YOU can get to know him?

Perhaps this kind of evening might be a sort of a "middle" ground? THEN IF those kinds of evenings work out -- perhaps an invite out to dinner at a restaurant -- again - "en famille"?

Jan (always hoping for a middle ground)

First of all, I would make my daughter listen to the song Georgia Satellites that has a refrain of "Don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself."

The next step would be to continue the discussion of the birds and the bees. I would discuss what the point of dating is. Is the point of dating to find a mate? If so, this a good time to discuss what qualities make for a great mate. What are the wonderful things about her father that make him a good catch, how can you recognize those things when dating? She obviously is not planning on marrying right now so it is a good time to start talking about it before it is too late.

Is the point of dating to have a good time? If so, what constitutes a good time. What are the boundaries of a good time? What again are the consequences of going over those boundaries?

I would have her father talk to her about what boys are really like at this age and what their intentions are. He has been there before so he can be forthright about it. This can also prove that eventually they grow out of it to become respectable but honestly, there is very little about 15 year old boys that are worth noting, how long they can burp does not count!!! For the talk with dad, there is a good book by Kevin Leman about fathers and daughters (name escapes me right now) where he discusses many of these things.

Another very practical thing would also be to begin discussing date safety, what to do if she finds herself in a situation that she cannot control (mom and dad will always pick you up, always) and ways of avoiding situations in which she cannot be in control and that generally involves not being alone with a guy.

Our general rules will probably be that first dates will be dinner at our house (his/her parents are more than welcome to join us). Up until a certain point thereafter, dates must occur with other people present, in our case there are younger siblings who can be chaperones. No hanging out boys houses after school. All of this will of course be contingent on them demonstrating to me that they are responsible enough to handle themselves well while out. As they become adults, obviously the rules will change.

Of course, take anything I say with a grain of salt because I still have not had the birds and the bees talk with my 11-year-old son.

Two words: Bristol Palin.

Seriously. Never ever, EVER take for granted hormones. No matter how much you preach to your children, or think you've done the B&B talk, hormones will cloud their judgement faster than a parent walking through the door can clear it.

That said, discuss emotions frankly with your DD. She may swoon the first time he touches her hand. Or she may decide to back off and still think boys are icky. Talk about what she expects a boyfriend to be...kids don't 'date' they become bf/gf. Is it writing his name on her notebook and telling the girls at school she's got a bf? Or is it that he's the one she's 'in love' with?

Explain to her that boys may have a different agenda than girls...and be very clear to her about control issues. Teen boys abusing girls is more common than we like to think.

The main thing is to be very clear that you're there for your DD. That she can tell you anything. I had a VERY frank discussion with all my kids the first time they had a BF/GF. Flat out told them that I was not in any way condoning sex, but if at any time they came to me and said they needed to see the doctor, I'd take them and not lecture or judge. I also told them about Planned Parenthood. I know that my older DD got her contraceptives at PP, but she was 17 and I realized she was being responsible in protecting herself from pregnancy and STDs. I was somewhat heartbroken...I felt she was way too young, but I lost my virginity at 15.

Oh, another thing...oral sex among teens is not considered 'sex' and is very common. Herpes and oral VD is rampant! You MUST discuss these things with your kids.

My children were brought up with good morals, but I also knew what hormones and peer pressure can do to kids. My kids thank me today for my advice, not only on the dating thing, but on peer pressure in general.

My kids are too young to be dealing with this. I have 2 boys who will be 14 and 12 in September. That said, my 13-year-old son had a "GF" from March through July of this year. It was, however, a "school"thing. There was only one supervised visit to her house, and DH took them skiing one day over spring break.

So, I don't feel qualified to weigh in on this, although I'm eagerly watching the responses.

I did want to point out, though, that the oral sex thing that is so rampant is generally not taking place between GF/BF but rather just anyone. I don't even pretend to understand this, but they do not consider it sex. It is rampant and very scary. We have had long-term ongoing discussions about this and other things with both boys. I pray some of it sticks!

pesky, an article I read about B. Palin made it sound like she never really got "the talk" about the B and B. I am sure she KNEW the basics anyway (obviously) but, at least from the interview, it sounded like she didn't know that yes, getting pregnant could really happen to her.

My girls are so young, so I don't know what kind of rules we'll have. Maybe Red is right, but I think I would still have a very explicit talk about sex with them because they may not follow MY rules . . .and I'd want them to know the consequences of their actions. For example, something like herpes, as mentioned . . .so that they know it's a permanent thing that would cause them pain and may even limit their choices for a spouse in the future. Or getting pregnant . . .that if they kept the baby, I would not be raising it.

One book I think is a must for every female is "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." It will demystify for your DD what is going on with her body . . .explain how her hormones are actually nature's way of telling her exactly when she should have a baby (and pushing her to do so!).

I think, unfortunately, I will tell them that, if they do ultimately decide they are going to have sex so young, that they need to come to me (or I'll give them info for a doctor/clinic) so that they can do it as safely as possible.

It's OK to be a "picky" mom. That is what my kids called me. *I* was not given any guidance at all from my parents. Personally, I feel like me getting pregnant at 14 was totally my parents fault. I was unprepared, ignorant and unshielded. There were no guidelines or rules, which left me wherever my boyfriend led me.

I had the explicit talks ('lectures', my kids might call them). Though statistics were against me (most teen parents produce more teen parents), I managed to buck the trend.

I *did* take my DD in for birth control when she was just short of 18. She had a serious relationship with a nice boy who was part of our family. I am flexible, I'm not a prude and am a realist. No, DD never married the young man she lost her virginity to, but she learned a lot and didn't end up with a child to raise (like I did). DD has had sex with three men, and she is pushing 40. Whatever that says about her, let it say.

Being picky isn't bad. But intervention, when needed is necessary and I personally needed an early intervention.

All that said, there is nothing like good sex. LOL! We shouldn't make prudes out of our daughters. This is a complex conversation. We should let them know how good sex is with the right person. Lynninmexico, this is a complicated subject! Every situation is different.

Good luck. Whatever happens, you *will* deal with it. I promise.

What I meant about getting "experience" was to of course keep up the conversation about the birds and the bees by continuing to reinforce your morals, but let her know you're there for her (incl getting her BC if that's part of your beliefs). I did *not* mean to let her go out with a lot of different guys and don't mind if she sleeps with them all! I just meant that you can't lock her away in a convent (like DH threatens to do to our DD in 8-10 yrs).

It backfires, as golddust and I can attest to. Be open, let her feel like she can be honest with you, continue to chaperone (that's why I suggested hanging out with friends and family - no one on one "dates" right now, maybe not even for a couple years). But let her gain experience saying "No" to a boy now, instead of being out on her own in college and being in the situation where she may want to (and not want to, at the same time) say "No" to a *man*. I never did anything more than kissing with my HS BF (he was "saving me for marriage" I suppose), but when I met a 21-yr old man my first month of college I fell head over heels, my hormones ran rampant, and I said yes, then I wanted to say no, but didn't want to be a "tease" so I gave myself to him after only a couple months of dating. Maybe it would have been worse if he had dumped me then instead of pushing me away and then pulling me back for nearly 8 years, but if I hadn't slept with him I don't think I would have stayed with him that long either. But I was thinking of myself as a "good girl" so of course I had to marry him since I'd slept with him, right? Now I'm 45 and I've slept with 2 men in my life. I don't think that's a lot, but I sure wish I hadn't thrown myself at the first one b/c I didn't know what I was feeling (it sure wasn't love after only a couple of months, though I still have strong feelings for my ex). I wish I had had someone besides my college roommates to talk to before I took that leap (not that I had been thinking a lot about it before that moment - I really was overcome, during the walk to my room was when I started thinking it was a mistake but didn't want to back out).

All the physical aspects aside, what *really* hurt was being on an emotional roller coaster for 8 years, and the rejection 20 yrs ago still hurts. I married DH on the rebound and so far it's worked out but we have communication problems, even though I'd known him for a year we only dated a month and it really wasn't long enough to get to know each other. Sometimes I think I still don't know him that well, it's b/c he doesn't like to talk (esp. about feelings - it's a guy thing I know, but he really is the silent type), and I don't know how to talk to him without nagging. I've had 2 mates, and I didn't go looking for either one of them, I just sort of fell into the relationships, and while my DH is a good man and a good father and I love him, I'll never know if I could have found my "soul mate" in someone else.

*That's* why I said to tell DD not to get exclusive (until she's old enough to really start looking for a mate). Let her learn how to talk to boys (not just say No), get to know them, learn what she's looking for in a companion and then potentially a mate, and what she's *not*. She has to get to know herself too. Keep the lines of communication open, talk about feelings (physical "stirrings") and emotions and how to handle them, she'll be much better prepared than we were.

I just want to say that there's so much excellent advice here! I also want to reinforce what a couple of others have said -- talk talk talk to her about what young men are all about. They are ALL about hormones and sex, and if you find the wrong one, he'll tell you ANYTHING he can to get intimate with you. I remember one 17-18 year old boy who told me he was sterile and even asked his friends to agree with his story, as though that would be proof that he was *safe* to sleep with -- I'm grateful my mom raised us to be big on common sense and I could laugh him off!

I am overwhelmed and incredibly touched by your heartfelt responses and can't thank you enough. As I read and reread each post here, I have to stop and think about and absorb the advice given. Every one is wonderful and what you say here is wisdom all mothers would be wise to remember. It's taken me so long (and wonderfully so!) to read each response here this morning that I'm now running late. DD and I are heading into town for a couple appointments (orthodontist and opthomologist) and to shop for school clothes. Our day together will give me time to bring up some of the points you've mentioned here. But, EVERY ONE of them will eventually be the subject of a casual but heartfelt talk with my sweet daughter over the next month or so. I'll be back tomorrow to read more and to let you know how today's chats went. (Driving is such a great way to have these kind of talks!)

Again, your kind and thoughtful advice is very appreciated and will definitely be put to good use! More later . . . .
Lynn

I am glad your are considering all the advice given here. I am with Amy, although I do not have any girls (boys here), I do see how forbidden fruit is affecting their friends in college.
As long as you have relationships where your DD can come to you and talk about anything, you are in good ground and together can deal with anything that life throws at you. That has worked the best for me, my boys do tell me about anything and everything, so do they friends, and thus I can still insert my advice when needed.

Good luck :)

I just wanted to add my two cents. I have a 15 1/2 year old boy and a 14 1/2 year old girl. My son has gone on "group" outings and had a camp girl friend. No other "dates", but he's definetly interested in one girl now. He's all hormones, and I'm sure fulfills every girl's mom's nightmare! He's nice, smart, good looking and has raging hormones.

My daughter has only recently begun to be interested in boys, but no real interactions thus far. So that's my background and where I'm coming from.

Although I would like my children to live in a bubble till they are 30, I know that is not really in their best interest. Here's what I really want for them both:

1) I want them to expierence love. Not sex, but love.

2) I want them to have their hearts broken and learn the lessons of breaking someone else's heart. I want them to learn this when they are younger, not in thier 20's when it is more significant. I want them to learn that life does go on when someone they like tells them that they are no longer interested. I saw so many college girls go through their "first loves". They couldn't move past a broken relationship or break a bad relationship off because they didn't know how. The whole process left scars on these "inexperienced" women. I want my children to go out, have fun and most of all, know how to move on when the relationship is over. I think this is easier to learn when they are in high school than later on in life.

So, we definetly talk to my daughter about boys. She sees her brother. I'd also encourage group outings and activities at our home. However, I wouldn't say no to movie and pizza either.

Good luck!!!

geogirl - you put it so much better (and so much more succinctly!) than I did. I am definitely in that "inexperienced" category though I was long out of college when the breakup hit me. If I had dated more during HS and had a talk about raging hormones and saying No and that it was OK to change my mind even after I'd said yes (I thought I was being "honorable" and not backing out - but that didn't make him respect me any more, I'm sure it made him respect me less since he eventually dumped me for a 27 yr old virgin from his own country), I would not have had sex so early (if at all with that particular man), or I would not continued the relationship for so long, I would have been able to move on without the huge scars from having a long term relationship and engagement broken off, not to mention the emotional abuse all those years.

It is just as important to talk to our kids about relationships and respect and lack thereof and being yourself instead of who somebody wants you to be (or you think they want you to be) and emotional abuse and what a broken heart is as it is to talk about premarital sex and STDs and date rape...

I also think that we concentrate so much on our DDs, let's not forget our DSs. While they may not be pressured into sex by a girl, they certainly are pressured by their peers. And teenage girls can be more emotionally abusive and manipulative than boys. I'd love to hear what advice to give my son (he's almost 11 and I can see it coming like a freight train, I want to know when and how to start talking to him about relationships, after they have the "big talk" in school Health class next year).

Yesterday, my SIL mentioned an Oprah episode about two kids, 14 year olds (shudder), who were thinking about having intercourse. There is a re-cap on the Oprah website on how to talk to kids about making these choices. The therapist Oprah had on the show brought up questions for those children that never would have occurred to me. It's worth a look, if you're interested.

As others who posted after me have said better than I could, I feel it is important to honor the natural progression to adulthood that being a teenager is. To deny that they have hormones and a growing interest in the opposite sex is not going to do them any favors. By supporting gradual, healthy and well-discussed baby steps, our kids can grow in to more responsible partners and hopefully have more fulfilling sex lives once they are in a committed relationship.

I think that to keep them too protected in high school and send them off to college with less understanding/awarenes/experience than their peers could be doing them a disservice. If they can enjoy each baby step and make informed choices about why it is not such a good idea to progress to more, that is the best path IMO. But, that assumes a great deal of open communication between parent and child.

I do not have boys. I never was a boy. And I didn't get rushed into anything against my will as a young girl. So, I really maybe don't have any room to speak here. But, I have a hard time believing that all boys can be lumped into one hormone-driven category. Maybe I am wrong, but it's just not what I see amongst my daughter's friends.

Lynn, it sounds like your day out with your DD will be wonderful-- not just so you can have a chance to chat with her, but most importantly, so that she knows you are THERE for her. I hope I manage to get to the teen years like you have, with the lines of communication wide open.

RE: What people have said "men" (or boys) want. Let's be honest. . . girls are sexual beings, too! Oprah has said that was what confused her about being molested, that it felt good on a certain level. That's why I think it is hard to expect anyone to say no-- NATURE is trying to make them have sex to continue the human race. Granted (speaking from experience!) many of us may feel that way but know we are not emotionally ready and ARE able to wait until we are older and say no. I don't know why I chose to wait-- it wasn't a question of morality for me-- it was about being with boyfriends who never dreamed of pushing me into it, and respecting myself enough to say no, I guess?

Also, I am aware that the chance to manipulate someone else (and learn to be manipulated) is certainly not only the territory of boyfriends. As a parent, I try to make sure my children know that my love is not conditional. I also try to keep consequences as close to what they'd be naturally as possible (as in, if we are late, we will miss the class, not, if we are late, you won't get dessert). My oldest DD has had experiences where her friends will say something like, "If you don't do x I won't be your friend." It is SO important, I think, at a young age, to be able to realize that that is not respectful, and that those are the exact times she SHOULD say no. I keep telling her that she has her own little voice and God (in the spiritual not religious sense) to help guide her, even when it comes to things I say!

I didn't read the responses but I wanted to comment quick before bed. I don't have kids yet but am chiming in from my days of youth.

Like you guys, my parents never left any guys upstairs or at the house when they weren't home. We were under supervison. When I would go over to their house, that was a different story. These were your outstanding kids. Good in school, involved with activities, didn't do drugs, etc. Of course I never told my parents we were allowed to go down to the basment to watch a movie, or how they went to bed early, there was even one guy that we were allowed in him room! I found this behavior odd for a parent even at that age. This wasn't just my experience but my girl friends also had the same thing happen. We were also your good kids. I'm not sure if it's just that the parents thought they could trust their kid or had the attitude oh well, if kid want to do something they'll find a way to do it. While that may be true IMO that's like not locking your house. If a robber wants to rob you you'll make it harder for him if he has to break in VS. walk through your front door. I'm not saying everybody who has a son or daughter does this but from what I've seen, a lot of parents left their kids unsupervised. My parents had talks with me and I'm glad I made the choices I did in life.

This probably doesn't make you feel good but I figured I'd throw it out there. My parents were always under the impression their parents were present and that wasn't alway the case.

I'm sure your daughter will be fine but like I said, I just wanted to throw that out there. I sure won't forget it when I do have kids.

I just read a couple of the above . . really should be in bed! I agree with what Red said.

I'm also the mother of a teenage daughter. Mine is 17 (18 in October) and so far hasn't had any boyfriend/dating experience. So I've not yet had to deal with any of the issues from that perspective. My son, 20, just had his first romantic relationship that is now over, and we discussed the physical aspect. It was certainly awkward but I did broach it and we did have several conversations. I felt it was very important to stress to him the need to be caring and respectful of a partner, no matter what the physical level of the relationship. They did not become intimate as it turned out, but I felt and feel reassured he is a responsible young man who won't be the cause, hopefully, of some of the heartache that boys can cause girls (and their mothers!). To me that is part of my duty as a parent and I feel strongly it goes along with teaching a son how to be a good person and a good partner to a woman someday.

I want to recommend an article from a recent issue of Oprah magazine. I've linked to it below; it was one of the most enlightening and helpful pieces I've read on this topic and I thought others might want to see it as well.

Here is a link that might be useful: O Magazine Article on Teen Girls and Sex

I saw that show on Oprah, and thought the questions Dr. Laura asked the teen "couple" were very eye-opening (ie, "How long do you two plan on staying together?" Her response: "forever"...his response "about six months") I would have never thought to ask that question of my teen, and it got the girl to think in long-term ways. Thanks for posting the link, runninginplace. Lynnie, my oldest girl is in middle school, so I am just muddling my way through this, also, but that above link is very helpful. Even though I'm in healthcare and know everything about the scientific angle of sex, I'm still a rookie at discussing the emotional part of it with my daughters. It didn't help that when I was young my mom NEVER mentioned one word about anything, even though she was a teen mom. Good luck with your DD, Lynnie

I just want to caution you to tread carefully when interfering with teen love. Studies have been done on this topic, and it is NOT true that loves from your 20s are stronger or more important than young/teen loves. In fact, the opposite is true.

Young, teen loves often form the strongest bonds of any love relationship in your life. Scientists believe that there is a hormonal "imprint" that these early loves have on one another's brains very similar to the "imprint" that babies and mothers experience. When these loves are disrupted because of parental interference/disapproval, it can have devastating lifelong effects on the couples' ability to form lasting and fulfilling love relationships in their adult years because they are haunted by unfinished business.

Don't diss young love. It IS the real thing. I'm attaching a link to the website of Dr. Nancy Kalish, who has done a lot of research on young love, and the effects of reunions between teen lovers in adulthood.

Although my children are both very young, I believe very strongly that you must allow your children enough freedom to form these attachments and see them through to their own natural course. Some WILL end up happily married right out of high school. Some will break up because they're not getting along. But the most important thing we can do as parents is talk to our children about the importance of love, what real love looks like, and make sure they are safe. Make sure your children know their values, are prepared and know what they need to and want to do when it comes to s*x, and encourage them to bring their girlfriends and boyfriends home so that you can keep an eye on the situation without making them feel like star-crossed lovers.

I'm not looking forward to this period in my children's lives because it makes me nervous, but I do hope they find and know real romantic love.

Good luck!

Here is a link that might be useful: Dr. Nancy Kalish

What I find interesting about the majority of posts on this thread is everyone is convinced that teenage sex only occurs between a serious boyfriend/girlfriend who have been dating long enough that basic kissing is no longer enough.

I agree that long term teenage romances can lead to sex, but as a parent I'm more concerned about random sex happening at parties amongst kids who are acquaintances or barely know each other.

When I was a teen, sex was for a long term boyfriend or someone you "loved". I was a virgin until I was a sophomore in college! Now, I hear so many stories about kids hooking up - having oral sex, sex with people they barely know. It's bizarre for me comprehend why a girl would want to have sex with someone she doesn't even know, but girls now days are much more assertive and they like the power they feel by controlling a guy with sex.

Guys don't help matters because I think 98% of them when given the opportunity for sex, will take it.

I want to echo, let's not discount the hormones raging in teenage GIRLS. Anyone else have a "Mr. Magic Hands" in their past? I was about 17, the relationship was terrible, but the physical part was GREAT. (smile)

Even if you've had the talk with your daughter, keep talking! It's important to reinforce and to also go beyond the sex and birth control basics.

I live next door to an early 20s single parent and she has it tough, despite her loving family. I hope that the parents of the other teenage girls on the street are using her example to talk about dating, sex, pregnancy, and what it means to raise a child with their daughters.

In my teen years I met many girls who used sex as a way to get attention. I also met a lot of girls who weren't self-confident or self-aware enough to insist that sex be pleasurable for them. I think that with the "hookup" culture that you hear about now that it's especially important to talk about this stuff. My parents didn't, but I got enough messages from them about being independent that it transferred over.

All your advice, encouragement and stories here have been wonderful and so appreciated! This past, last week before school begins, DD and I have been shopping for school clothes and supplies. Using many of your suggestions, I've had a number of really good chats with DD about boys and dating. She now understands better why we're not allowing her to date until she's 16 and then only occasionally and in groups that are very supervised by parents I know . . . and trust! We're very conservative, but not smotheringly so. She doesn't seem too bothered it it, either. The chats ~ and your advice~ helped smooth the way. We'll be having MANY more of these in the next months and years. I'm printing out every post here, as all are so thoughtful and wise. I'll be referring to them again and again, I know, to refresh my memory. Again, many, many thanks for your help.
Lynn

(((Lynn)))
You are a great mom-- it is wonderful that you are putting the thought and energy into this subject for your daughter.

I have worked with adolescents for the past 15 years, and my experience is that most parents just hope for the best, and are not comfortable talking about these issues with their daughters.

For many years, I ran a group for girls only. I was staggered and shocked by the lack of knowledge and misinformation about dating safety, sex, birth control, and their bodies. The "hook-up" culture that others have mentioned is very true. Not to mention MySpace, Facebook, "sexting" and so on. Many of the girls seemed to believe that the only way to have power and be attractive to others was to be sexy and provocative. Many seemed to feel their self-worth was dependent on if boys wanted to have sex with them.

My experience is that the more information and education kids have, the better. And self esteem is built through positive activities, hobbies, talents, and positive interactions with people, especially family and role models. Girls need to see that they can be happy and proud of themselves without male attention, and that you can have close relationships with males that are based on something besides sex and appearance. The more of these protective factors that are present, the safer the girl will be.

Your daughter is fortunate to have you! Good luck!

Jen

My dd is only 10 and I have found this very interesting. So far we are extremely close and talk about everything, but before she went to sleep-away camp this summer I got some books from the library (on sex, menstruation, etc.) that were more in-depth than anything we'd discussed yet. (I recalled picking up a lot of misinformation from my own camp days.)

She said "maybe I should just read these on my own." It's scary when those doors start to close! We ended up reading a lot of it together anyhow, but I can see I will have to stay on my toes to keep communication flowing.

I'll just keep my ears open for those teachable moments!

My sister-in-law was very open with her dd. She had sex quite early, had FWBs, FBs etc. I find this sex without the expectation of love or romance hard to understand. It seems almost sensible, but aren't hearts being broken?

I just got back from a weekend with the girls I went to college with. We all have teenagers now and it was somewhat comforting to talk about what their teen is trying to pull over on them! It made me feel like my son is more on the average of bad behavior vs. on the leading edge!

Anyhoo, I got into a conversation with a friend who has a daughter who will be a senior in HS next year as is my son. She was talking about how her daughter isn't telling her everywhere she's going when she's out with her friends. She wants her to call or text her that they're stopping at Taco Bell after the movie etc... I told her that at this point I have a strict curfew for my son and I do not monitor his every movement all evening because he needs to learn to make responsible decisions etc. He will be on his own on a college campus in 12 months. I really feel he needs to be given a little leash now or he'll go crazy when on his own.

So, we got into it a bit and she admitted to using the GPS locator and tracking her daughter's whereabouts etc. So we were really out of sync on parental oversight. I was actually starting to feel a bit like I was too easy on my son etc. Then her husband mentions - "We've got 60 days until the big one." I said what are you talking about? She informed me that her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend have been going out for 10 months. She told her mom that they have decided that they are going to have sex when they've dated a year.

So, she's worrying about her going to Taco Bell, and in a few months it's ok for her daughter to start having sex with her hs boyfriend.

I know my mouth was just hanging open in disbelief, but I calmly closed it, had another margarita and moved on to a conversation across the room.

When I was in HS, I did not have a curfew, but I was required to call home to let my mom know where I was going to be if we were going to do something other than what I had told her about before I left. This worked well for my mom, who was comforted that she knew where I was and that I was safe, and me because I did not have the pressure of having to leave at 10 right when the fun stuff was starting.

I know I'm coming at this from a different perspective, Caroleah, but it sounds to me like your friend has pretty open communciation with her daughter and knows and trusts that she is prepared for what growing up brings. The girl is a senior in HS, so she is probably 17 going on 18. She is in a long-time committed relationship with someone who they must know and trust as well. The two did not jump into a sexual relationship and seem to be handling things in a very mature and appropriate manner. If the girl's parents are wise (and it sounds like they are), they will make sure she is prepared for sex -- emotionally and physically -- and they will not try to come between the girl and her boyfriend because that will only create star-crossed lovers. Teen lovers who are broken up because of parental interference often carry a torch for one another well into adulthood -- a torch that can interfere negatively and permanently in their adult relationships.

Many of the girls seemed to believe that the only way to have power and be attractive to others was to be sexy and provocative.

Unfortunately that is what they are learning from most of the media these days.

Sarschlos you're right, she does have a good relationship with her daughter and I give her credit for being calm and rational when her daughter informed her of her plans. Fortunately, the daughter has been on birth control for some time because she has a bleeding disorder and needed to keep her periods short and with less bleeding, so she knows she's protected at least from pregnancy.

My problem with the whole thing is she trusts her daughter to have a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, but doesn't trust her to make good decisions on how she spends her evenings with her friends. I'm not talking about staying out all night, I am talking about stopping for something to eat at 8 or 9PM.

The sex thing I just feel that takes your relationship to a totally different level, and if she's mature enough for that, she should be mature enough to make her own social decisions too. I should add that she is really a nice girl who is pretty responsible, so it's not like she's out drinking and getting into trouble. She still has to be home by 11:30.

If she can talk openly with her daughter about her impending loss of her virginity, then stopping off for a taco or pizza seems like a no brainer to me.