My response would be when you get married your boyfriend can stay the night, because then he will be your husband.My daughters boyfriend was not even allowed in my house when I was not home.He also had to say goodnight and be out of the house by 10pm.And I swear on my life and hers to if I would have evr caught him near her room the only room he would known would ahve been a hospital room.I was a very nosey mom, and I made sure I let them know that.Use to tell them I may not be with you all the time but I know people everywhere.So always watch your step.The one thing I always tld both my children was you may not always want to make me proud, but always make yourself proud of the things you do beacause the memories of what you've done will always be in your head.

Good for you mrs.micki. Sometimes I think parents are afraid of their kids.

"The one thing I always tld both my children was you may not always want to make me proud, but always make yourself proud of the things you do beacause the memories of what you've done will always be in your head."

I agree with you there...

"My daughters boyfriend was not even allowed in my house when I was not home."........ Are you saying that when your children where growing up, you did not trust them ?

I can understand there must be rules, and to establish them early on is the key to a smoothe running household.

More comments about this topic would be useful.

Popi

When my kids brought their "perhaps intended" home to meet the parents, they slept in separate bedrooms. That's just the way it was.
My daughter and her boy friend were certainly free to be at my house when I wasn't home....well at least by the time they were 16. Both she and her boy friend had been taught how to behave at an early age.
Now that said It wasn't an every day occurrance that Mom wasn't home until 6 so lets go to my house. I believe that is a dangerous situation.
At some point you have to trust your kids. You have to show them by example and training the way to behave. I think the best way is to give responsibility a little at a time. you start by giving them the responsibility to brush their own teeth before bed and by the time they go off to college they should be responsible for doing their laundry, their home work, putting gas in their car ( if they have one) and getting to class on time, as well as not concieving babies.
Linda C

I would congratulate DD/DS/BF/GF on their entry into adulthood, pack them up lock-stock-barrel, drive them to the nearest apartment building, and bid them good luck.

Popi, no I'm not saying I don't trust my children or didn't trust my children. Just that I'm a young mom and didn't want to open the door for temptation.They had all the time in the world to see each other , except for when I wasn't home that was the rules.I was told as a child the things I should and shouldn't do,that was all fine except there was no follow through.I don't believe you should be at your childs side 24/7 but I do believe you have to let them know that you are concerned and will make every effort to keep them safe and help them to be responsible. My daughter had many responsiblities at a young age.We took care of my young and very ill mother. You see i was a single mom, one that became a mom very young , so it was not to long ago when my daughter was in her teens that I ws also there,and could remember what went on in a teenagers mind when there was no adult supervision around. With so many teen pregnancies going on in this world I was going to try to help avoid this. My daughter knew and now knows the right things in life but sometimes when the temptations are ther you sometimes don't use the smarter part of your brain, so as a parent it was my job to help the right side of brain to work . My reward as a overprotective rule enforcing mean mom came the day my DD turned 21 and said thanks for always butting in and helping me to try and do the right thing and for giving me STRUCTURE in my life.Followed by a big hug and kiss,and her announcement to all her guest that this is my mom the person who helped me be who I am today.

Mrs Micki

Thats a lovely story...DD turning 21 and saying thankyou.

I think you have done a fantastic job, being a single mum, good on you. You gave her clear signals on what was right and wrong, and acceptable behaviour. I will take that on board, in my dealings with my children. I think that is an important thing to consider...dont give mixed, or waffley messages.

I think, as a parent, we have to be clear on what our own standards are.

All the best.

Be still my heart. We aren't there yet!

I don't think my children would even broach the subject with me unless they were deeply involved with BF/GF and much older than 18. I'd have to evaluate my response on the basis of the nature and duration and future of their relationship (are they engaged or cohabitating?).

I've evaluated each situation as it came along. WHen DD#1 and her BF stay the night (they have a child together), they stay in the same room. When DS moved back home after living with his GF, and she moved in here too, they had seperate rooms. Difference..spending the night (and DD#1 would respect us and PROBABLY not have sex, DS was an ongoing siuation and we didn't want to give them more opportunity than necessary). Now DS and GF have moved out again, If they spend the night they will be allowed to sleep in the same room (they are also engaged now). DD#2 has had BOY FRIENDS stay over, definatly different rooms.

As Barnmom said, depended on the basis of the relationship, duration and future of the relationship.

Vickey-MN

Ditto what Dweck said!

My oldest is only 11, but by the time he is 18, he wouldn't even have to ask where his girlfriend would sleep. This is assuming that his GF is from out of town. If she's in town then I don't see a reason for spending the night.

I think this "trusting kids" is overrated. Do I trust that my kids wouldn't steal from me or anyone else if I am not around? Absolutely! Do I trust them to do their chores by the time I get home? Absolutely! Do I trust two hormonal teenagers alone? Absolutely Not!

Thanks for your comments, most helpful.

But I have to wonder if you say to them, you cannot sleep together in my house, they will only go and have sex somewhere else.

At least if they sleep together in your house, you have some control over it, and you know where your DS or DD are, and what they are up to.

Do you think we should be concerned about that angle of the situation...or its their life and they can live it the way they want??

Popi

Popi, if they want to have sex, they will find a way to have sex!!!

True if they live with you it is "harder" (no pun intended) to have sex (timing..will someone come home, etc), but if they want to have sex, they will. Do you mind if they have sex in your house? The choice is yours.

Vickey-MN

You can't control your kids at that age. Why do you feel the need to control them? Does knowing they are having sex right in your own home make you feel better than if they were somewhere else?

How many times do we tell our kids, "do the right thing no matter what others are doing," or something to that effect? Why do you think it is different for you as the parent?

As I reread what I wrote, I think it may come across as snippety. I don't mean it that way.

It's my home. I pay the mortgage, buy the groceries, take the mail in, scrub the toilets. I'm in charge, period. The kids are loved and nurtured, but they're the kids. They're not adults as long as they're living here.

If they want to make adult decisions like sleep together under my roof, that tells me that they're also ready to pay a mortgage, buy groceries, take the mail in, scrub the toilets, and be in charge of their own homes.

I can't control what I don't see -- if they're having sex at the BF/GF house unbeknownst to me, I can't stop them. I can advise about good choices and pray that they make them, but I can't act what I don't know about. If I find out about it, though, well, then send me an address to forward your mail, dudes.

I agree with vickie and houseful. To dweck - this isn't about who pays the mortgage and bills, of course you do. I think the I can't control what I don't see is awfully close-minded IMHO. I recently had this very conversation with my gyn. Our daughters are the same exact age. His had her first "experience" this past summer. He and his wife have what he calls "out of the box thinking". At first I was asking him but how do you feel from the dad standpoint - I understand the logic from the gyn doc. He explained that he could control things much better with open communication with his daughter. He could see that she had regular exams, proper birth control, no lies. I have to agree with him. I know it is tough envisioning your "child" having sex or a GF/BF sleep in the same room in your house, but don't you think if the sleepover involves a guest room, there is some "visiting" going on during the night. Growing up my parents were very naive and took too much for granted as probably most of the parents of kids of my generation. I like the open relationship idea since when it comes right down to it, your child wants to have sex he/she doesn't have to do it in your house, he/she could do it in a car or whereever. I guess it boils down to what kind of relationship do you want to have with your kids. Do you want to make the issue I pay the bills in this house so I make your decisions? Not me, I'll take honesty over being rightous any day of the week. Just a different perspective and probably not going to be a very popular one.

I agree with labmomma. I have thought about this for the last several years since my oldest started seeing his current GF.

We have a small house and there isn't much space for entertaining friends that doesn't entail sitting right in the kitchen. By the time he was 18 we were allowing him to visit with her in his room.

I know that they were having sex in there but this wasn't something that bothered me. For us it was a matter of pacticing what we preach. We have told our kids that sex is part of committed relationships and is a positive and healthy activity. We have discussed with our kids the need to be able to talk to your partner about sex before having sex with him or her. "If you don't know her well enough to talk to her about sex, then you don't know her well enough to have sex with." But having said that we know that it is also something that can lead to problems (like most other areas of human activity!) so we have warned them about the risks and how to minimize these risks. We have also said that, just like any other area of your life, if you get into trouble, come and see us.

I know that this would not work for many people but for us it does. We expect that our kids will have sex esp once they are in long term relationships and I would rather they feel comfortable coming to us with questions and seeking any help they need. I think "forbidding" things can sometimes lead to children being afraid to come to parents when they screw up. I know that my parents thought that by forbidding me to have boys "upstairs" they were preventing me from having sex but I still found lots of time and lots of places to have sex as a teen. I would not have ever discussed it with them, though. Nor would I have told them if I had become pregnant or ...

For me it came down to asking myself why I would I forbid them from doing this. I can forsee some circumstances in which I would not allow it. For example, if I thought the kids were too young or it was a relationship I didn't approve of for other reasons, perhaps. But given a committed or long term relationship and a reasonably mature teen, I do allow it.

Guess that might put us in the minority but now that the oldest is away at university with the GF I have no regrets. They are both mature 19 year olds - hell I was married at his age. Maybe it just comes down to a different situation for each parent and for each child. Do what fits with your belief system and as long as you are open about your reasons and can communicate well with your kids it will all work out.

I like your point of view Marysdottir --
Some of the "Not in my house!" behavior seems kind of hypocritical to a "sex is normal and healthy" and "you're a responsible adult" viewpoint.

Now, I'm certainly not condoning promiscuity, and I think the young person's age and emotional maturity need to be considerations as well.

But keeping the communication lines open is, IMO, critically important. In this day and age, deciding to have sex is high-risk behavior. (guess it always was)There's the risk of STD's, of emotional pain and strengthening an unhealthy relationship with new and intense experiences, the risk of pregnancy and all of it's consequences... I imagine most of us learned our lessons the hard way -- Why should we leave this one last minefield for our kids to navigate without any kind of assistance?

True story. My DS had his GF over one evening when he was around 18 or 19. In the wee hours of the morning he knocked on our bedroom door and asked to borrow my car (he only had a motorcycle at the time) because a condom broke on them and he wanted to get her to the clinic for the morning after pill even though they were using 2 kinds of protection (just in case).

So I am right along side with labmomma's gyn with his "out of the box" thinking. I am proud that my DS was able to come to me and also that he took quick and responsible action.

Wow, wildchild. I'm impressed. That's a young man with his priorities straight. How wonderul he could come to you and deal with the issue.

Wildchild is right. We don't want to think of our children having sex (just like they don't want to think we have sex). BUT my DD came to us when she was pregnant. MY brother's son..did too...WHEN THE BABY WAS 3 MONTHS OLD. The difference. My DD wasn't afraid of our reaction, his son was. I'll take our DD's reaction over his son's anyday.

Vickey-MN