I have not exactly BTDT but when I was maybe 16, my parents let me know that they didn't think my BF of the moment wasn't suitable for me, and that drew me to him even more! It felt all the more "romantic" and a little dangerous, almost -- ooh, more exciting (in my teenage mind) -- knowing that my parents didn't approve. So that doesn't help in terms of advice, but it might be helpful to know that your disapproval may be somehow making this guy even more attractive to your daughter.

Can you tell us about the issues you have with him? It would be easier if we knew whether you were talking about, say, "he's dropped out of college" versus "he's using heroin."

I sympathize, though! I have two sons age 17 and 21 and was so relieved when their first real girlfriends were great girls. If my DD chooses unwisely, I don't know what I'll do! She's only 12, so hopefully I have plenty of time!

Unfortunately, I believe the more you protest the relationship, the longer it will last. Tough position to be in, my own parents once faced the same situation. They handled it similarly to your tact so far. Didn't work out too well.

Surely your DD knows how you feel and perhaps is in the "I'll show them" state of mind ~ thinking this guy will change because she can effect the change in him to prove you wrong. Apparently at this point, she is unable to either see or acknowledge this young man's poor behavior or whatever the problem may be. I would be sure not to ban the young man from your home, as doing so is taking a chance that your daughter may follow him rather than her better judgment. All in all, there's really not much to do but strengthen your bond with your daughter, leaving this particular issue aside.

I have a DD, but haven't faced this from a parental standpoint...yet.

BTDT; take a new approach; keep your mouth shut. Not only will they attract more but your relationship will suffer because the guy is bad mouthing what you are accusing him of. This can only have a bad ending; then your relationship with your DD will never be the same. Mine & my son's was damaged by 2 girls. The 1st was same age as your DD; the next was almost a 4 year torture. She brought him down so much he lost his job of 7 years. I swore I'd never let another girl affect me like the 1st one; but this one knifed me every chance she had. I always told my son that while I dislike her; I won't bad mouth her because he loves her. She did a few things on my FB wall

Will be back after I wake up

This post was edited by roselvr on Thu, May 30, 13 at 7:57

I haven't BTDT, but I agree that you are doing your situation harm by opposing this fellow. Your DD knows how you feel about him, but you need to keep the situation as open as possible. Perhaps over time, as she sees his interaction with the family, she may come to realize he's not the best choice. What is most important and longest lasting is your relationship with your DD.

In my mother's case, my brother ended up marrying the gal, and they had a child together and were divorced a couple of years later. Mother had to play Swiss Embassy with her for a long time in order to keep a good relationship with her grandson and to help smooth over issues with brother and the ex.

Another friend had a brilliant daughter who was granted a full 4-year scholarship to a major university, but she refused it as it would've meant leaving her wastrel BF. Mom said, if you don't take the scholarship, you are paying for your college tuition by yourself. Didn't matter. She stayed and went to a local school on her own dime for a few years. So Mom eased back. After awhile the BF started looking pretty dull and she dumped him. She is now back on track, going to school out of state and doing very well.

A GF of mine married a fellow who did not get along with her family and they were not shy about letting him know he wasn't welcome. So they moved several times, including to Australia, but never back to near her family. She will come to visit by herself once in awhile, but otherwise, the family never sees her.

So I guess what I'm suggesting is, you can't control the outcome of these relationships, so it is best to keep focused on the most important relationship and do what you can to make it work.

I agree, I think the least helpful thing you can do about the situation is intervene (or attempt to). It won't work - and may indeed, draw them together more than they otherwise would have.

Unless you believe this guy is planning to commit a major crime, I'd stop all protests, immediately.

I might even go so far as to choose a time and apologize to your daughter for trying intervene. You don't have to deny your concerns, but just keep the focus on your confidence in her good sense and values. (Hey, she's had a lifetime of good teachers and role models, right?) And invite the guy around a bit. If he's as awful as you believe, if she sees him in the context of her family (you) she may see him in a whole different light and dump him voluntarily. (Hooray!)

But by the time a young woman is in college (even if supported or still coming home on vacations) she's old enough to make her own mistakes. And she's got to make them sometime - and the sooner, the better.

My own parents took a hard stand when I was in college over a relationship that mattered a great deal to me at the time. I completely broke with my family over it and though I eventually ended the relationship with my BF, I think it permanently damaged my relationship to my parents.

The irony is that this guy (in those days a tie-dyed, pot-smoking hippy dude with a rainbow-painted bus) ended up as a CPA and college professor who my parents would have had no problems with.

Who knew? Actually, it would been better if someone had said exactly what I'm saying to you to my parents at the time. Would have saved a lot of pain all around.

Good luck!

L.

I think advice like this is useless, because every couple is different, every young man or woman has a different relationship with parents, parental guidance, emotional history, etc. And they also change their minds! Our DD remarked once that we never liked any of her boyfriends, so we kept mum about the next one. After it was over she asked what wed thought of him and I told her--- and she asked why we hadn't said something!

If you believe your DD does not know about something very serious in the bf's background, hire a private investigator and give your daughter the report in a sealed envelope. That will let her decide whether to find out the truth, rather than you being the one to deliver bad news. That's what I would do if I knew of or there was strong suspicion of criminal or completely immoral behavior.

May I ask how old they are and how long since his "oh no?"

People can and do change. Some don't. We certainly don't know.. but I can tell you that having a DD that got into trouble in HS caused black marks on how the entire family was treated and talked about (by some, not all). Was it necessary? No. Was it justifiable? No. She's almost 30yo, but the judgement by others that did not know the truth still stand to this day. And to say it is ridiculous is putting it mildly.

DS had a girlfriend I disliked very much. She was basically a very pretty twit. I told him that I thought she was lacking in character and left it at that.

They continued to date for a couple of years and we were very kind to her, even having her along on vacations with us. It was agonizing but the last thing I wanted to do was alienate my son because I remember when I was young and in love and there was nothing anybody could say or do to make me think otherwise.

When she eventually screwed him over royally, I was the shoulder he used to cry on. I even got to hear, "How did you know from the beginning she was like that?" Sweet justice.

In the end I was glad he had his heart broken by that loser because it proved to be a very important life lesson.

And mommy was exalted to the position of "The knower of girls."

Although I have not exactly BTDT with my two daughters, they are both in their twenties and dating.
My oldest is now in a relationship. He seems nice enough. When we were talking about him, I said "I'll like him as long as you like him, and and when you don't, I won't!" She got a laugh out of this.
Since my daughters are both in their early twenties, and also since I have mentioned often to wait for marriage until they are 30! Have fun in your twenties!
In your case, you know this young man for many, many, years. There must be a reason why your daughter keeps getting drawn back in. I am wondering too if you can develop a relationship with him and turn things around? A few of my daughters friends both male and female call me their second mom.
I too dated many men through college and in my twenties. Some my parents liked, other not. It didn't deter me. At this age we know it all!
Allison, I get what you are saying. One mistake and kids can be branded! It is always, "remember the time when....?"

i have a similar concern and i decided that instead of worrying about the one bringing mine down i decided to hope that mine will bring the other up....

Thank you all for your responses--they are much appreciated and I hear you!

To answer some of your questions:

His "Oh no!" behavior is closer to the 'he uses heroin daily" end of the spectrum than the 'dropped out of college' spectrum. He is involved in behavior that is illegal; he's being pretty careless about it, and also it has become a major feature of his identity--not just something he does now and then, but a focus of his daily life.

Our family has had a pretty close and very positive relationship with this young man for years--he has gone on some of our family vacations, spent tons of time at our home, his parents are invited to our social functions, he socializes with all of our kids and we were always fans both of him as a person and of his relationship with DD. So the idea that if he spends time with us he will 'see the light' or that DD will see him in a different light if she sees him with us--doubtful.

When we learned about the activities we are not in favor of we were devastated--not for ourselves, but for him and his parents, too. I sat in my living room and cried, because I had always wanted nothing but the best for him, and he isn't headed that way at all.

So we have both the worry that he will involve our DD in his problem, and feelings of betrayal that he was doing this stuff all along-- and we just didn't know. We feel like our whole relationship with him has been a lie, because he lied about things in order not to disclose what he was doing.

Like many of you, I had a boyfriend my parents blacklisted, and I reacted to that by moving out and continuing to date him. (Of course, that boy is an upstanding English teacher today, so I also understand that parent's fears aren't always prophetic).

I don't want to create that forbidden fruit situation, and (in my rational moments) I agree with all of you that my best defense is to strengthen my relationship with DD and wait it out. I wonder if I will be able to do that without dying of a coronary.

Illegal behavior is a whole other ball game. He could easily drag her down just by her being in the same vicinity as him.

I would use every ounce of power and influence on "my" daughter to get her away from this person including the threat of withdrawing financial support.

I would call the police, I would speak to his parents, if he's employed I would call his employers. I would try to get this boy in as much trouble as I could.

Maybe drastic but this is a critical situation.

I have no advice, because we are in the same position with our 20 yo DD's BF. She is beautiful, smart, goes to an elite college, etc. and he is a complete loser who has no job, doesn't go to college, lives off of his mom....I will be reading the responses with interest as I literally am terrified she will marry this guy someday.

ugh... illegal or criminal behavior is a whole different ballgame because it could really result in serious consequences for him and possibly your daughter depending on the circumstances, if only thru guilty by association... that's a really tough situation- i would definitely have some serious talks with my child and would limit my association with the bf and even my own child if they chose to engage certain illegal or criminal activities...
but, if the problem was addiction, i would try to be supportive but wouldn't want to enable or cover for the bf or my child... consequences are consequences... i would definitely become as educated on addiction as i possibly could and encourage my child to do the same...

BTDT. Our daughter's relationship has a similar background, and we were hopeful 2 years ago that their breakup (which was disastrous and led to a year-long hiatus from college) would stick.

But she went back to school (just graduating with high honors and won a research award at NIH) and is still with this boy who is not doing anything illegal, but is a seriously bad influence on her. We were heartbroken when she got back together with him, but we have stayed cordial and polite, and never criticize him to our daughter.

However, I DO ask her questions, given the slightest opportunity. When she makes a complaint about him, I always ask her "How does that make you feel?" or "How do you think that will affect you long-term?" In other words, I ask leading questions whenever the opportunity presents itself, without overtly telling her what I think about his behavior. We tread carefully. I never invite him to join us on outings or to dinner at our house, but if our daughter asks if she can include him, I don't say no, unless there is an obvious and convenient excuse. He attended her weekend-long commencement, and I found myself gritting my teeth on more than one occasion, but kept a smile on my face at all times.

I do know that if we were overt about our dislike of this young man, our daughter would be defensive, and never share anything about him with us. It isn't easy to remain neutral, but maintaining a warm, open relationship with our daughter is crucial to us.

Your situation sounds different in that the boyfriend's behavior is potentially dangerous. But you still have to maintain a relationship with your daughter, and avoid putting her in a position of defending him, I think. I wish you the best in treading this fine line.

You *asked* him not to date your daughter? How does that work? If your DD still lives at home, you should inform her that as long as she's living with you, she will not be allowed to see him. She's still not too old for you to be the parent.

I hear everyone has tried the same thing with mixed results. I hear you are not talking about a girl but a young woman who is free to make her own choices. You already let your feelings be known way back when. She hasn't forgotten. She chose him anyway. You need to learn to bite your tongue and be a mom to your daughter. You do not have to invite him to dinner, holidays etc. you just have to be there and have faith in what you taught your daughter when it was your job to influence her. Sadly she is on the cusp of marriage/family and you may well have to deal with the fact that he could end up the father of your grandchildren. It might be wise to be as cordial as you can muster so you don't end up on the outside. On a side note: IMHO,the idea of vacationing with boy friends/girl friends is INSANE at any age. It is dangerous and a huge mixed message to blur the lines between family and dating relationships. The point of a vacation is to leave all the outside family distractions behind. What a loss of bonding time to include outsiders. When teens date and the one 'becomes like part of the family' it increases the pressure for the relationship to last~~maybe beyond its natural end. It sounds to me like she could be a young lady who is just going with what became too comfortable to leave behind. These marriages end quickly, pray they don't have children together before they divorce.

Kind of BTDT. DD1 is about to marry the young man I never really liked all that much. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I let it go-she's level headed enough to know what she wants. I was always gracious to him, but never got close and NEVER bad mouthed him to her.

Now they're about to marry and I am happy-he has proven himself to me. I raised a very smart woman, and she's got a man who challenges her, understands her and is her life partner. I have grown to like him-more so because of who she is, and I trust her.

In your case, I woudn't put too much stock in this relationship. They've broken up twice and now are keeping it quiet-I don't think it will work. And she is an adult-as long as she's not in physical danger-you keep quiet. And just be there with open arms when she needs you.

I would be worried about her too - illegal and heroin drug use is an entirely difference scenario.

If he's not in college, is he working? Where does the money come from? He will be borrowing, and when no one will loan him anymore money, he will start stealing to sell for money or trade for drugs. I was on a Grand Jury a few years ago and heroin was making a big comeback then. It's even bigger now.

According to the DA, and websites, heroin in harder to quit than meth. And it's a physical pain when you quit - as in your feel like you're dying and wish you would die.

If I were in your shoes, I would find a few online drug forums, read for awhile, and bookmark a few links to discuss with your DD. Even if/though she is not doing the drugs, they will cause great havoc in her life and could land her in deep water.

Sorry for any misunderstanding--he is not using heroin. I was just responding to Sueb20's question about whether the choices he was making that we didn't approve of were more along the lines of dropping out of college vs. using heroin.

He does work, and has had a stable job since leaving high school.

.....His "Oh no!" behavior is closer to the 'he uses heroin daily" end of the spectrum than the 'dropped out of college' spectrum.

I think, to offer advice, one kind of needs to know "how close". For example, is he addicted, or dealing?

I don't have any advice or experience, by the way. And I do want to say I am sorry for the worry this must be causing!

I think you should definitely let your daughter know his behavior is setting off alarms for you. Do it in a calm, quiet rational way, no finger pointing or harsh words. Let her know that, since she is in a long term relationship with him, now you have to be concerned that he hasn't stopped his self-destructive behaviors, that you see no sign of him wanting to stop them, and that these behaviors will have a negative impact on her happiness down the line. If she reacts emotionally, let her have her say, then reassure her that you can see why she's drawn to the guy ("Yes, he's wonderful in many superficial ways. But...").

Please be firm that in your observations & experience, guys who haven't outgrown youthful indiscretions by now will cause future heartache & that you are very worried for her. She may not agree at the moment. But if you present it as a rational argument in a way that respects her maturity & judgment, she'll keep the thought in the back of her head & mull it over. That little nagging mom voice that all kids hear eventually sinks in. But you need to voice it in the first place.

We went through this with our son. We were always welcoming to his girlfriend and we wished her well, but we let him know her behaviors signaled a lack of judgment, perhaps emotional instability, & that he ought to be aware of it. Being the rock of stability for someone as volatile as her gets to be burdensome. Eventually he saw what we were getting at. He's still friends with the girl, but she's moved on to another guy.

Comparing it to heroin is like comparing his problem to impending death/imprisonment. And taking those down around him, including your daughter.

Sadly, many girls "in love" are followers of their boyfriends. If he's doing something awful, there's a good chance your daughter will or has already done something awful.

Don't forget how kids are really good at hiding things from us.

It sounds like most of us have been down a similar road, so maybe you can go ahead and give us specifics? Please know that none of us here will judge.

As far as telling her not to date the guy, you might as well be talking to a brick wall.

Have you talked to his parent's and are they doing anything to help, or try to help?

My thoughts are with you. BTDT. :)

I would find a quiet time when I could sit down with my daughter and ask her what she wanted for herself in the future.

I would listen, and then ask her if this boyfriend could help her achive her goals.

I would be biting my tongue the whole time while praying she figures it out for herself that this guy is not THE guy.

If he is dependent on an illegal substance I would make it clear that he was not welcome in our home.

ML

Well my response was more in line with the heroin or drug dealing. You know, DEFCON 2, quickly approaching DEFCON 1!

You're going to have to ask yourself some questions:
-Could her relationship with this guy lead to physical harm?
-Could her relationship with this guy irreparably damage/change the course of her life?

Also know that if this illegal activity takes up a large part of this guys life, then your daughter has or will dip her toes in it as well.

Good luck.

I don't think my mother particularly liked my boyfriend in college - not exactly sure why. I think it had something to do with him showing up two hours late the first time she met him and I think she somehow thought he was a bad influence on me. I'm glad I didn't listen to her take on it though as I've now been happily married to the guy for 36 years.

I love Judge Judy's line....How are things going? Because this is as good as it gets. They are on their best behavior when you're dating...it only gets worse from here. So if this isn't good, believe me, it's not going to get better.

Oh wow-your update is quite a bit more than I thought. I don't know why I didn't get that bfore I posted my response.

Ummmm...this is definitely not a situation you want your DD to be involved with. I know from experience when my exH started getting involved with heavy drugs that it is VERY VERY BAD. Perhaps she feels like she can save him? This is why she keeps going back to him?

I'd strongly suggest you get your DD to attend Al-anon or a similar program for loved ones of addicts. There is no way she's going to change him back to who he was before, and I suspect that is what she's hoping to do.

In this situation-you do need to say something. If he was physically abusing her you'd step in, right? Step in now before he drags her down the rabbit hole. I'm so sorry that this is happening-but you need to help protect her from herself if she is hoping to save him. Hugs to you.

It sounds to me like he smokes pot.

Which I'm not a fan of, but it isn't heroin. I think you need to let your daughter know you don't approve of his behavior and do not want her being drawn into this behavior either.

On the other hand, I grew up in the 70's - all my friends smoked pot - on a very regular basis, and they're all very successful professionals. So, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going down the tubes.

I agree with other posts that you need to let your daughter work through this one. Since she's in college, it doesn't sound like she's going to run off and marry this guy.

I dated a guy for a few years that started out on the right path in life and then took a very wrong turn somewhere along the way.

I wanted to point out that just because your daughter is with him doesn't necessarily mean she's doing any of the things he is. I'm proof of that. The guy I dated got into all kinds of drugs and while I knew about it, he was to never do it around me. That's not to say it wasn't on him at times which is (also) a problem but I didn't think much of it until a relative talked to me. (It makes you think when your aunt is crying on the other end of the phone trying to get through to you what could happen to your life.) I was hoping he'd make a change but eventually his change was to get rid of me. I was devastated but got over it and learned to NEVER compromise certain things ever again.

Things got very sticky between my parents and I. Do what you need to do but keep in mind she's probably going to need to work through this. I heard the words of my aunt because of how she went about it. Yelling, etc. wouldn't have worked. She's an adult and hopefully she'll remember all she was taught. If she does go down, hopefully it'll be a short lesson and she picks herself back up.

There are so many interesting, and yet conflicting, posts of advice here. I haven't BTDT so I don't have any practical advice but do have a few questions.

Is your daughter aware that you know he is involved with "oh no!" things? Do you know for sure that she is aware of his activities? Are his activities an "on no!" for her, not that she's participating, or no big deal to her? Just because it upsets you doesn't mean she's phased by it.

Is your age/generation/parental role/personal history causing you to view these activities as worse than most others might view them? You may be right to view them that way, I'm just trying to step back and look at a bigger picture. We don't know if he's getting drunk every night or fencing stolen goods or fathered a child he doesn't want to support. All of those are bad ideas but have different ramifications for the parties involved.

Is your daughter aware that you know they are seeing each other again?

Speaking as the voice of no experience, what if you sat them both down and said you are adults, as adults the consequences of the "on no!" behaviour could be X, Y, and Z which is why I wish you would seriously consider your choices of the behavior and of where the relationship might go. Maybe even tell the young man how you've known and cared about him for years and are worried for his future, with or without your daughter in it.

well-- there's lots of speculation!

i initially thought you were talking more about attitudinal or motivational issues, or something school related, etc... or maybe some dabbling in pot...

then it seemed there may be criminal concerns...

hard to give btdt advise since we're all thinking different things and advise given would differ dramatically depending on the circumstances...
depending on the seriousness of the issue, this might be something better to talk to a confidant (friend or professional)about... ??

I haven't read all the responses, but something comes to mind. One of our kids is in a profession that has required extensive background checks at every rung of the ladder. If for no other reason than that your DD may, at some future point, need to have a thorough background check done before pursuing a career goal she should avoid a potentially compromising association now.

I always give a standard reply on this sort of thingâ¦tell your daughter that you just love her boyfriend! That will shock her into giving him a closer look (seriously).
Or, pull a meet the âÂÂFockersâ on him. Openly follow him around with a camera.
Actually, IâÂÂm not sure what I would do in your case. I have two grown boys and so far have really liked all the girlfriends. My husband and I get too attached and then *poof* they are gone and another is slotted in. We always feel like we lost our puppy or something. My youngest sonâÂÂs first serious girlfriend lasted a few years; I thought of her as a daughter and mourned the loss.
I imagine if I really really did not trust someone they were serious with I wouldn't let them in the house. They would have to have some sort of record first though.

jterrilynn - " We always feel like we lost our puppy or something" I have two boys and that's how I feel when a girlfriend is gone. My eldest son went out with a girl for two years and everyone really like her. When they broke up his cousins asked him if they could keep her and get rid of him. :)

Back to topic-

When above son was in high school he was part of a group of kids who were/are good kids - smart, responsible nice kids. They weren't the in-kids or the jocks but they were the kids who accepted the nerds and the new kids - the social group where parents wanted their own kids to be a part of in school. They weren't perfect but the silly things they did never overshadowed their reputation.

In first year college he met a new male friend and started hanging out with him. I think there was some thrill to hanging out with this kid.This kid didn't have a good reputation (drugs were the issue) and that's how I approached the problem.

Instead of forbidding him from seeing this new "friend" I talked to him about reputations and labels. My son (and his friends) had a good label and this boy did not. I explained how easy it is to go from a "good" label to a "bad" label or reputation and how so very difficult it is to get back that reputation. I explained that even though he may not do anything wrong the bad label is easily transferred. People like to talk about the bad kids but seldom about the good kids because that isn't tantalizing or scintillating gossip. I explained about the purpose of gossip and how stories can get exaggerated and with the advent of texting and tweeting how quickly things can spread.

So I asked him what kind of a label did he want for himself and what kind of a reputation did he and his friends want for themselves - for now and for the future. My son chose to get rid of this kid but I think it was hard for him but he had goals and figured out that being involved with this kid could hamper those goals.

Selfishly, I also told him that I didn't want this kid and his reputation to hamper my reputation. As my son's mother I could get dragged into the gossip as well. ( what was she thinking allowing DS1 to hang out with that kid, etc) I just explained that he would eventually be moving out of the neighbourhood and I wouldn't be.

You mentioned that your daughter goes to college. Is it local or a distance away from home? Does she have a job for the summer? I insist that kids keep busy-keeps them out of trouble/boredom and they make $$ for their school books etc. I don't believe that everyone has to go to college, but when one part of a couple chooses not to attend, it can ultimately cause friction between the couple. One thing you haven't mentioned is your daughter's girlfriends opinions of this young man. Often,their opinions carry a great deal of weight. be patient mom and I love blfenton's reputation conversation.

Have you ever heard the saying 'you are what your friends are'? In reality it may not be true, but it *is* the way people view you, sometimes even as adults. Another saying, 'your reputation precedes you' can also be true. You can remind your DD this is just the way life is, and she may/may not care, but do *you*? it seems as parents, a lot of 'talk' does come back re:our nature of parenting, good OR bad, but it's always the bad that's remembered.

I agree with Pesky that DD thinks she needs to save him from himself.

If this were a close girlfriend with whom your daughter was spending hours and hours of time with, I think that the associative problems would be just about the same (at this point)?
Consider some life coaching sessions for her. A non-biased therapist or other professional can help her solidify her values and goals, and maybe see how she is allowing herself to not stand up for herself by standing up for him. And if he loved her and was a true friend he would not allow her to do this.

DH And I are task oriented people. I cannot imagine us sitting back nervously, hoping that everything will "turn out for the best" if we thought there was a real, however small, chance that continued association with this man would cause life changing problems for our daughter. I'm not talking about smoking pot; rather, a drug habit and/ or other criminal activity like selling drugs. In that case I would hire an investigator as I stated above, But not to give the report to my daughter. Instead, I would send it anonymously to the police and make sure the young man was arrested. Call us crazy helicopter parents if you like, but I couldn't live with myself if something terrible happened to DD and we did not do our utmost to prevent it. No one messes with my children.

There's no way to judge the level of danger by the op's description, and what I've said would be our extreme response. There are a variety of other resources I would employ before that, but I would not do nothing--- pardon the grammar :-)

My DD has her first boyfriend who, though he is smart and sweet, is also multiply pierced with highly stylized hair and clothing. He is also underparented (to my way of thinking) and not really achieving lift-off at this point. So it has taken some adjustment on my part.

Interestingly, my strong instinct is not to warn her away or tell her what I think (well, I try to repress that.) I feel my job is point out the potholes in the road ahead and listen to her response. The listening part feels really important. I want her to make choices not because she's reacting to me, but because she has to live with the consequences. Basically I learned when she turned 14 or so that she is not me, that ultimately any control I think I have is an illusion, because I am never going to cut her off or do anything drastic enough to truly control her behavior. So she needs to be able to protect herself.

My dad warned me people get "imprinted" like ducks-- be careful who you love, because it can be hard to unlove them. Hopefully your DD has distractors and other possibilities out there to draw her in a better direction.

Thank you all again for your insight and hard-earned experience. I am happy to report that their relationship has cooled again, and they are not seeing each anymore.

DD did not tell me why, and I honestly don't think that the latest breakup had anything to do with what we parents had to say, but I am very relieved. At least for the time being. They have broken up and gotten back together many times, so I wouldn't bet the farm that this rupture is permanent, but I am really, really hoping that it is.

We will continue to encourage her to make choices that keep her safety, reputation, and sanity intact.

Again, thank you all for caring!

I haven't read all of the responses, so I apologize if this has already been said, but I wouldn't alienate your daughter (or the boy) by saying you don't like him and/or want him around. The more comfortable they feel around you the less worried they will be about disclosing things to you and keeping you aware of what's going on. In this situation it really is best to step back and just trust that you've taught her well. The hardest part of them growing up is when you have to step back and let them make their own mistakes.

What a relief:)

That is great news. I have also been keeping my mouth shut about DD's bf who we don't like, and it seems to have cooled as well. Let's hope our smart girls are starting to make wiser choices.