My college student son and his roomate decided that what they needed to to was to throw out all but 4 each of their dirty dishes, glasses, etc. They had so many that they weren't washing anything, and figured that if they had fewer dishes they would have to wash them. They just kept enough for the two of them and maybe a guest or two. Ah, the mind of a college student!

I stay out of my daughter's business.
She has lived with other girls for four years, and yes, they leave messes of different natures, including the dishes and trash, and she always cleans it up.

She tried leaving their messes and working around them, but apparently dirty dishes and garbage in the house for a week isn't a problem for some people.

It was a matter of health for my daughter, she didn't want roaches and disease and filth.

She continues to clean up the messes of others because she thinks they are good people and just don't "get it."

Personally, I think she doesn't get that she's allowed herself to be used. They KNOW she will do it.

But that is why we send them off to college, isn't it?
To figure this out for themselves.

Good Luck, I hope your daughter will demand that fairness and responsibility are shouldered by all, but that's not generally the way it works. ;)

College & roommates sucks. My son had issues with one too- of course it was the slob he shared a room with- the other roommate had his own room & was able to walk away from it- my son had to sleep in it.

Mr slob used to "wash" dishes.. he'd run the water; rinse the dish & call it clean. Not sure he even used hot water. My sons bed always had Mr slobs stuff on it- he brought a huge gorilla from home- like there was enough room in that tiny bedroom for said gorilla...

He also played the stereo loud; used that blue goo to put posters up all over the apartment. He also had a mood disorder & used to throw his keys at the guys. It got so bad that my son moved back home; then ended up dropping out.

I had suggested a chore list. One person vac's- another does the bathroom; the other the kitchen; then they rotate.

Does your daughter have a bed that you can fit a storage container under? If so, she may want to store her dishes/cookware in it; & after she eats & washes it; she can put it away. It's hard to teach a slob to clean up after themselves. Do you have her moms email address? Would speaking to her mom help? Your daughter & the other roommate should also complain to the counselors.. they are trained to deal with stuff like this before it explodes like my son's did. My son didn't want me getting involved until it was too late. The counselor wished someone would have spoken up before it blew up so bad.

I could never have a roommate for that reason alone. It was worth it to me to make financial sacrifices in order to keep my independence. I couldn't have married someone like that either.

Good luck to your daughter!

IâÂÂm a cynic. Trying to change a roommate's behavior is a huge waste of time and energy. Your daughter doesnâÂÂt have even the limited leverage of a parent or a lover. ThereâÂÂs really no reason for a messy roommate to change. The mess doesn't bother her, nagging is easy to ignore, and there are plenty of other potential roommates. Your daughter has 3 realistic choices: 1) tolerate the slob and continue cleaning up her messes; 2) expel the slob and try to find a more compatible roommate; 3) move out.

deedee
Your daughter has a tough choice to make. Many,many moons ago when I was away at school, my roomates and I had a similar situation. One of the girls was a horrible slob, but more than that,an inconsiderate roommate. A slob will keep their OWN room messy, but be thoughtful of others and not leave a mess for someone else to clean. We tried everything including taping "funny" notes on the counters and next to the sink. After months of trying everything we did eventually do what was suggested above- we left a HUGE pile of her dirty dishes on her bed.....Needless to say she wasn't happy when she got home that evening. We never had to do her dishes again, and she moved out at the end of the semester!!!! The 5 of us were thrilled when she left!

Good Luck to your DD!

I agree with demi and yoga. This is part of growing up, for your daughter and her roomates. My DD has had quite a few problem roomates, starting with her 3rd night of her freshman year of college when her roomate had a boy that she had just met spend the night in their room. She would also leave the TV on all night, hit the snooze button multiple times each morning, etc.
Later, my DD lived in a house with several girls and boys, and that kitchen was always a disaster. After college she found a roommate on Craiglist who was pretty much of opposite of what she advertised. But, she learned so much about how to deal with different kinds of people and became a much stronger person. She now has her very own apartment and is enjoying her independence.

My son went through this last year with one of his roommates. yogacat is right - the offender has little reason to comply. However, in my son's case, the offender was so disrespectful to the shared rented house that the landlord got involved when he was there for a minor plumbing repair. He saw the mess and confronted all the tenants - but it didn't take him long to figure out what was at play. He gave the offender an opportunity to change, came back to check, then evicted him.

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses so far. She will want to read them in the next day or two and come to some sort of conclusion or action if she hasn't already. I'll let you know her thoughts.
She's handled most any problem and/or annoyance thrown her way without needing much input from the parental units.
I thought it would be good to hear a variety of perspectives on how to live with a slob, which on the surface sounds minor, but is making her extremely busy life a lot harder. Making a simple meal and having to wash whatever cookware she needs to use before cooking takes time she doesn't have.
I remember a few places I have worked where there was always at least one "piggy" person. I would just throw there stuff in the garbage if they left it out for more than a couple of hours. Didn't have a lot of patience for it then and still don't.

Oye, I'm sorry your daughter is dealing with this. The girl may be sweet but I'd eventually rock the boat over starting with a (nice) warning that if she didn't start having a little more consideration the stuff would end up missing or on her bed. That could end in disater if your DD actually had to follow through but I don't know how long I could hold out. If it didn't change, I'd be for sure looking for a new roommate. Your daughter's time is just as valuable as the little slobs. Maybe buy the girl some paper products for Christmas. ;) Although that still doesn't fix the pots and pans.

If I had to clean up after someone, they would have to pay me very well. I don't know how she could collect it unless SLS has some nice clothes or other desirable things...

My DD is a neatnik and her first college roomate was too. That year was not a problem that way. Enter DDs sorority life and suites with many girls. Fortunately in the suites DD always had a single room- so her room was always neat and tidy( its not always a good thing). She started cleaning up the common room to keep it nice, but soon learned that she was the only one and stopped it for the most part. The room did get very disgusting- I had seen it that way on more than one occasion- one learns to step around the spilled beer and chips and walk through the room quickly without looking too hard. And never sit down on the furniture. And these were suites with just frig and sinks, and microwaves- no real cooking facilities.
Good luck they will not change- at least at college.

Oh, forgot- these were very sweet,smart, talented girls- who happened to be slobs.

I made a fake poster with a title in big letters, "B!tch Of The Month." Underneath the title was my Senior picture, me looking all sweetness and light. Then followed the text: "This month's 'B!tch Of The Month' prize winner is awm03 for her complaint, 'Why can't my roommates clean up their own g** d*** kitchen mess?' For her crabby-but-pertinent entry, awm03 wins an all-expenses paid dinner for two at the spotlessly clean restaurant of her choice...and most likely the opprobrium of her wonderful, if messy, roommates. Congratulations awm03!"

I put this poster right over the kitchen sink for all to see, and was nervous that someone would take offense. But my roommates thought it was funny and appreciated that the gripe was handled with gentle teasing. And they kept the kitchen clean afterwards.

Oh, that one made me laugh! DD will get a kick out of it too! And it just may work.....
Thanks awm!

I don't know that I can help you with this one. We all were pretty messy. When we had people over we put the dirty pans in the oven so no one could see. That's how I learned tomato sauce will pit an aluminum pan bad enough it's best to just throw it away.

I would suggest your daughter and her roommates have an official roommate meeting and there your daughter can talk about how unhappy she is with the dirty dishes etc. If she conveys that she can't live like this, and will be looking for different roomies next year, it might sink in that she means business. It doesn't have to be confrontational or angry, she can just state her feelings. She's going to have to learn how to do this because in real life she's going to have people she works with that she's going to have issues with as well as a spouse, neighbors etc. She needs to practice being assertive in a non threatening way to get her feelings across and heard.

DD had a "3" suite freshman year at college. She had one great roommate, and one who was very dirty. Didn't wash her clothes, bedding or hair for days, sometimes weeks. Fastforward to this year, DD is rooming with her "clean" freshman roommate again. In the Spring she will be in an apartment in Italy with another college friend. Come fall, the three girls will have an apartment near campus.

My DD is by no means a neatnik, but leaving dirty clothes around and not washing your hair for days will make a small college room smell. You can't change someone else's behavior. DD was beside herself, but felt uncomfortable talking to the third roommate about it. So, I mentioned to my DD early on last year that she might want to think of a way to handle this as it wasn't tolerable or fair to DD or her other roommate. No, DD didn't want to do that, etc. I then explained that the room will stink, and when your friends drop by to hang out in your room, they are not going to know it is "so and so" who stinks. Well two days after going back to school, DD had a very diplomatic talk with her 3rd roommate. I was so proud of the way she handled it. She didn't accuse or make judgments, just asked if the 3rd roommate could make more of an effort. Worked for a bit, but not long term. This girl would take her dirty clothes home in the hamper and return to school with them dirty, smelling worse than when they left on break!

Not much us as moms can do except guide our DD's to address their problems without confrontation or accusations.

Hope this works out for your DD!

DD was in the run all day yesterday. She should have a time to check out the responses tonight. Just wanted to add she has spoken to sls bluntly about her lack of consideration more than once. I think the problem lies in that sls thinks she is cleaning up after herself. She is just on a different clock.
When dd walked into her gross kitchen after T-day break, the kitchen had been left like that for 5 days. SLS was the last one to leave the house for break. DD asked her to wash the dishes and sls responded with "Oh, those are mine?" SLS finally cleaned it up 2 days after they were all home. Gross.
As yogacat said, dd has limited leverage. I am interested to hear dd's thoughts after she sees your responses.
Thanks everyone.

Maybe SLS needs a visual. Pictures of the kitchen could be posted on the refrigerator. One picture of the kitchen when it's clean and another picture when it's dirty (with a red slash through it). Then SLS can check the picture and compare the kitchen to the pictures each time she uses the kitchen. If it doesn't look like the 'clean' picture, then she has work to do.

It's hard to believe SLS actually thinks she is cleaning up after herself but it's a great strategy if it works for her. Sheesh!

I love the picture idea but would love to see it as computer screen saver pics or a digital frame! lol

You guys crack me up!
I think dd should post the mess on FB. A nice caption like "check out sls's mess today!" but dd thinks that's kind of mean too. Plus some people just can't be embarrassed.
DD is running around campus today like a mad woman and gave me a quick call at lunch but we were both too busy to talk much.
It just tickles me that I can ask for your opinions on this forum and you guys just jump right in and help.

"Oh, those are mine?"

That's a hoot! Said with a baffled expression or generally distracted behavior? Uh-huh. Giggle. Sorry, but much of my adolescents was spent in the South. I knew a fairly large number of girls and women, including my own mother, who were masters at giving the impression of being sweet dingbats to get what they wanted. Heck, it's how I talked my way out of speeding tickets!

There is a potential silver lining to this. Maybe if DD has enough fun trying to change the behavior of SLS, it just might help her avoid serious romantic involvement with one of those if-s/he-loves-me-s/he'll-change projects!

Exactly, yogacat. I wonder if SLS had a nanny and a housekeeper while she was growing up. 'Welcome to real life, SLS! THIS is what it really looks like'...

DD has a tender heart with a level head....and luckily is a realist also. I will sheepishly admit to telling her to use her good looks when needed as long as she still uses her brains. She would be mortified to do what sls is doing though.
So she calls me last night and on her way out of state to see her new bf. I guess the sls solution is more important to me than dd! Ha!
Her school has a more than fair share of "privileged" students. Any one up for going to Japan on a shopping spree? Not sure what sls's background is though.
Will try to get dd to sit still long enough to look at the forum this weekend!

Hey all!

This is DD - thanks for all the great advice!
Steps that have been taken:

At the beginning of the year, we had our big roomie meeting and I blatantly informed both of the other girls that messes in common areas stress me out - I have a very hectic schedule, what with working three jobs and and averaging four hours of rehearsal outside of class a day and maintaining my grades!

For the first month or so, they were compliant. Slowly, sls started leaving little piles of dishes, food scraps, etc. in the kitchen. I finally made a sign that says "Please wash your dishes!" in as many languages as the online translator I was using allowed and hung it directly over the sink. This did the trick for a little while, but soon enough, sls was at it again. This most recent time, I left a note on her door that went unheeded and then finally confronted her in person. Seems the only way to take care of this situation is to tell her to clean her messes directly, over and over again!

We only have about a term and a half left of the academic year, and next year, I will be living with just our other roommate (we signed the lease in August! I'm so excited!) who is much more respectful of my standards of hygiene.

Thanks again!