If it was a very close friend whose friendship I didn't want to lose, or a family member, I'd cave and do whatever they asked as long as it was reasonable. Especially the moving part. We may also need them eventually.

For everyone else, I'd say I couldn't make it and stay home to watch Gillagan. lol

The older I've got, I've learned to say "no."

It's always hard to say No, even when we mean it, lol...

disaster event; "no I have other plans" seems perfect
moving request : "sorry, my back is sore, no can do"
truck request: " no, I'd rather not"
fundraiser : I make small donation if possible, or else find an excuse.

Saying No brings in the fact that you'll be dealing with the consequences,
you have to be ready to own up to that.

I rarely say no to my children and spouse, meaning that I will go out of my way to help them, even if I don't feel like it but otherwise, everyone else takes a back seat if I don't want to do whatever the request is.

When I turned 50, I decided to eliminate the situations where I was resentful,
so that meant turning down requests I was not feeling good about.

When confronted with a request, it's hard to say no immediately, I try to say something like "let me get back to you", unless it's a firm no, which is better to say immediately .

Some people have distanced themselves from me because I said no to their requests, makes you wonder about the validity of their friendship.

Different scenarios call for different responses in my life.

The truck part..... we've always had a truck, it's my DH's business vehicle. From day one his rule has been that he will not lend his vehicle - period. If something happens, no matter who is or isn't negligent, it hampers his ability to earn a living. He/we have HELPED people move things but even then, it means emptying out all his work tools to make room, so it has to be a close friend or family member. What it boils down to is the answer is generally no, but when it's yes, it's yes with no regrets or hesitations.

As for the social obligations, I don't have 'friends' in that disaster category you describe so not really sure what I'd do. The closest is Xmas at my in-laws every year - there's always some drama from one of DH's siblings but it would devastate my MIL if we (the 'stable' ones!) weren't there to break bread, so we suck it up and go. One year we did have a family trip planned because it was the only time we could go and we would do that again if need be - but that's different scenario than what you describe.

If I'm invited to an event or party by someone who is not part of my important life network, I have no problem giving my regrets and saying a vague, 'so sorry we won't be able to join you' type thing.

The fundraiser thing is tougher, but since I'm not in an office setting I don't get hit up for donations by people who are on the periphery of my life.

As oakley said, it does get easier with age.

Never complain, never explain. It's taken years, but I stopped doing a little song and dance, and now just cheerfully say that "We've got plans, darn the luck. Thanks for thinking of us. " But the events are really disastrous, with drunken screaming and fights--I might go, because it makes such a great story later. My husband and I have a number of little inside jokes about various dinner parties, etc. ("Honey, remember when Sascha served vodka instead of Perrier to the vicar?")

Don't loan vehicles, and I might help someone move if there's a possibility that the event might be somehow entertaining--who doesn't want to encourage her best friend to get rid of her old junk?

My kids are older, and I don't work in a office, so I'm off the hook for that sort of stuff. I'll always buy if the kid asks me in person.

If it's my son or daughter or a very close cousin or friend who is asking, then we'll do whatever we can to help because we know they'd be there to help us no matter what.

But for others:

If invited and we don't care to go, we simply say we can't make it.

Moving? My bad knees limit my movements.

Loaning the truck? Can't loan it to you since we've turned down other friends when they've asked and they'd be upset if they learned we loaned it to you.

Fund raisers? Depends on the amount and if it's something we can use or consume or a cause I believe in. If the child asks in person I usually give or buy.

True story: My niece asked for $125 to help sponsor a cheerleading trip for a competition. I said I would give it if she would help me with something around the house. I was smiling as I asked if she'd come over and dust and vacuum; what could it take? About and hour of light physical activity at the most?

She just looked at me and said, "I don't do that kind of stuff!" And I replied that I didn't give that kind of money away, either. So, I didn't give her any money. I hope she learned a lesson from that.

BTW, her Mom thought I did the right thing.

Don't make up a story, because you may get caught up. "Sorry, I can't make it," should suffice. Or you could make plans to do something else that day...who's to say they were made after the fact.

Years ago, one of my parents' neighbors tried to do a block party kind of thing, but it was to be pot luck and cash chip in, and basically a kegger.It was kind of odd because we did not really have a cohesive neighborhood, and this woman's children were one of the reasons. My parents did NOT want to go, so they said they would be out of town, and they actually did leave town since it would be obvious if they were home. For the several years that they did this party, they would always say "Oh, that's one of the weekends we travel in the summer" and it was true.

The party BTW usually ended up with the hostess drunk and naked in her pool (and she was 60 years of rough road).

I agree with Pal about not making up an excuse, a simple, we can't make it, thank you, is enough.

Helping family and friends out or someone truly needing help, usually that is something we would do if we can. To me that's part of being family or a friend.

I don't get alot of fundraiser requests but it's rare we would turn a child down. Other requests, it's like someone else said, if it's a cause I believe in.

I believe in helping others, but not to the point you are being taken advantage of.

tina

What if you have no reason not to attend other than the fact that you just do not want to go? Would you have a problem saying you have other plans? Even if those other plans meant lying on the couch watching a Gilligan's Island marathon?

I recently turned down an invitation, simply stating that we would be unable to make it and thanking the hostess for inviting us. I don't feel compelled to offer my reasons; and I do feel that anything else I will be doing instead of attending the event (including Gilligan's Island marathons! ;-)) constitutes "other plans."

Or if someone asks you to help them move, and you really do not want to do it. What would you say? Would you feel obligated to do so, especially if they said that they can't find anyone to help?

It depends entirely on who is asking and what their situation is, so it's really hard to give a blanket yes or no answer here. If it were certain family members, I would probably help them - simply because they have helped me in the past. Coworkers or friends or people who could afford to hire professional movers - I might be more inclined to tell them I had "other plans." ;-)

What if you owned a truck and they asked to borrow it so they could move? Would you feel obligated to help them then?

Again, depends entirely on who is asking.

You're asked by a coworker to spend even more money on yet another fundraiser for their kids school/Scout troop/sports league...would you dig in and do a pity order? If not, what do you do?

Absolutely not. I really dislike the stupid fundraising thing where you're sold overpriced cookie dough or expensive (stinky) candles by the parents of schoolkids. My coworkers never ask directly, but often leave brochures and order forms lying around in the break room so I don't feel pressured. If, however, someone were to ask and I didn't want what they were selling, I'd say something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry but I'm completely maxed out on candles right now so I'll pass."

I have been known, however, to buy candy from kids selling door-to-door in my neighborhood. They always have their parents with them, but they are the ones knocking on my door and doing the soliciting for their baseball team or scout troop. I don't eat the candy (usually DH does), but the kids are so darn cute and they're really making an attempt, so I don't mind helping them out.

I personally don't have a problem declining an invite to something if we really don't want to go and I'll seldom ever offer any other reason except that we have other plans. I used to allow myself to fall into that trap of worry and feeling guilty, especially when it came to family get togethers, which to us were worse than getting your wisdom teeth pulled. But, the older I got the more I realized that as an adult, I don't owe anyone an explaination. It really is enough to decline graciously. As rude as it may sound, the reality is is that it's no one else's business as to what the reason is.

As far as the truck goes or helping others, we've always been happy to help out people regardless of who they are. Strangers, family or friends, it really doesn't matter. We don't lend our truck to anyone but will make the time necessary to transport something or help someone move if asked. Why? Because there have been countless times we've been helped and I just see it as a way to pay it forward. I honestly believe people have just gotten too selfish when it comes to this sort of thing. I mean, why not help a stranger? Usually, they're the ones who need it most. I also think it sets a good example for our kids and on a personal level, it feels good.

We're pretty self sufficient now and don't need help very often. The one and only time we've ever declined to help another is because after helping this one guy on many occassions, when it came time that we needed help he was "busy". That was fine, we really needed his help though so at his request, we changed our schedule around to a more convenient time. As it turned out, he flaked on us anyways even though he knew we were really depending on him. It was obvious this was a one way road when we didn't hear from him for quite some time and then out of the blue he calls saying he needed help moving something with the truck and I told him to go rent one. Of course we've not heard from him since but no loss there!

No excuses. I think I can always see through others excuses - can't you? - and would rather be told a plain, polite "No thanks" or "I can't," so that is what I offer when I have to decline something. I would never ask someone to elaborate on a simple "No," either, and if I am asked to elaborate, I politely say something like, "Oh, I just can't." I don't think anyone thinks I am rude or dishonest; I still get lots of offers and requests.

Honesty is the best policy, rudeness is not acceptable; I think it is rude to make up phony excuses, no matter how well-meaning.

Sherry

I echo Jen's wise and wonderful answers:

Disaster: "Sorry, we have other plans" And I have had to learn (the hard way) not to offer excuses. Keep it simple.

Move: We have helped many many times! But as Jen points out -- the answer depends on the circumstances at hand. We know folks who simply need help to shift things. But we have known other folks who expected us to PACK AND MOVE. So we learned (the hard way) to ask questions before agreeing to help!

Truck: We have very small cars -- and have asked to borrow the truck (AND the gentlemen) next door -- who was delighted to help and drive (it was simply picking up a mattress from a shop nearby) and we gave him money for the gas. However if we needed a truck for anything else -- we would rent one!

Fundraisers: If a child comes to the door (WITH a parent in tow) then I am delighted to purchase items.

And one caveat to all these answers: Make sure that your answer works with your DH, partner etc. Stand united. Varying answers can make a situation MUCH worse than it had to be ....

Always have "Let Me check my/our/family schedule and let you know" as a back-up answer. And be sure to get back to them and let them know. Then those folks will get used to those answers.

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

Just tell me the truth, that's easy enough.

You're asked by a coworker to spend even more money on yet another fundraiser for their kids school/Scout troop/sports league...would you dig in and do a pity order? If not, what do you do?

Absolutely not. I really dislike the stupid fundraising thing where you're sold overpriced cookie dough or expensive (stinky) candles by the parents of schoolkids. My coworkers never ask directly, but often leave brochures and order forms lying around in the break room so I don't feel pressured. If, however, someone were to ask and I didn't want what they were selling, I'd say something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry but I'm completely maxed out on candles right now so I'll pass."

I think employers need to do away with allowing employees to bring fund raising stuff into work. I've never been comfortable asking coworkers to buy something from my kid because I feel I'd then be expected to buy from their kid. If someone asked; I'd tell them I don't participate in stuff like this at the office for the reason listed above. There was a time I would have been broke had I participated in my kids plus neighbors, friends, coworkers

Everything else depends on who asks.

My husband's firm finally had to tell the staff "no more fundraising." It gets ridiculous and puts too much pressure on the co-workers. They implemented this about ten years ago.

My husband's firm finally had to tell the staff "no more fundraising." It gets ridiculous and puts too much pressure on the co-workers. They implemented this about ten years ago.

A very like minded group. I concur with the statements made here. I was asking because this is a BIG sticking point between DH and I. I have no problem declining these types of requests...but he just can't. He feels so guilty and ends up giving in (I say no and stay out of it) and then he gets so upset having been involved.

We've helped our kids with the moving thing on occasion, but not ever couple of months, like some people we know who ask our help.

The truck loaning thing IS a big deal for us. We've got 2 trucks, and many, many people ask us to use them or if we'll pick up something for them. Just today, it turned out both our trucks were not available, and DH's stepfather called, in a panic (as usual) that they needed one of our trucks at 3pm. They were at a yard sale and bought more furniture. They didn't call us before purchasing, just assumed we'd drop what we were doing and go pick it up and bring it to their house, and because he's too frail to move it, we'd move the old out, the new in. This happens at least five times each summer with them. Well, this time, it turned out that I was out of town and DH's truck was off the premisis. They ended up calling his son who lives an hours drive away to come with his truck.

And the fundraiser thing...gads. My office also does the breakroom table thing, but I have friends who ask me on behalf of their kids at least half a dozen times a year. I will fork out for the kids themselves, but never the parent.

Mona, I love your response to your neice. My niece had the same thing, but she lived in another state. I sent $, but never got a thank you note from her. My Mom said she sent her almost $1000, and the brat didn't even so much as pick up the phone to call Grandma!! Well, she graduates next month and she's not getting anything from us.

"No," is perfectly polite. It's an added bonus if you can throw in a smile as you say it.

"I have other plans," is about as detailed as I'll get in offering an excuse. What I've found is that if you give a reason why you can't do something, the person who wants the favor will then come up with ways for you to change your plans so that you can help them out. I'm just tired of the arguing and trying to protect my private time.

It is not rude to say no. It's possible that it may, in certain circumstances, not be nice to say no. But nice and polite are two different things. If you want people to think you are a nice person, you say yes to all requests--lending your truck, moving someone into a 4th floor walkup, baking 12 dozen cupcakes for the school fair, babysitting your neighbor's demon spawn every Friday afternoon.

Being polite as you refuse to do the favor is all you are required to do. It is possible that the person asking the favor will be upset with you. They may even get angry. But that is their problem--that they a) cannot realize the extent of the favor they are asking and b) can't take a polite refusal politely.

That said, I do usually help out family and close friends when they need it--but I know that in similar circumstances, they would be offering to help before I even got a chance to ask. And many of them have helped me out at times and I like being able to return the favor. But they also understand that sometimes I have to say no due to other factors and they don't get upset about it.

Just Friday, I watched two of my brother's kids all day, so that they could take the other one to the hospital for a day of evaluations and tests. And last month, I stayed with my sister for two weeks after her hysterectomy. And later this month, I'll be helping my best friend out after she has the same surgery.

It's not that I want to be able to say no to everyone. It's that I have limited time and resources and I want to use those resources where *I* choose, not where someone else wants me to.

Disaster event: If I've been invited to something I don't want to do, I usually just say no thanks.

Moving: I would just say no. If it was a very good friend or family member, I would say that I could help, but not do any heavy lifting. Or offer to keep the kids entertained while they do the lifting. Movers are expensive, but they exist for a reason.

Truck: I wouldn't feel obligated. Even when I was a student and around people who were perpetually low on funds, people were able to afford a U-Haul or a rental cargo van.

Kids' fundraiser: Another no, though it would be harder if it was verbal. Most of the fundraising requests I get from colleagues are mass e-mails, so I don't even have to reply-- I just delete them. I do have one co-worker who sends out a lot of fundraising requests, not for her kids, but for health stuff she cares about (things like diabetes run/walks, etc.). One or two requests like that in a year from a given person is fine, but she has a ton of causes and I felt like she was crossing a line with the volume of requests. I finally sent her a note asking to be removed from her mailing list. I felt like a jerk for sending it, but it was just too much.

Lets say you're invited to an event by a couple that has a predicable history of disaster. EVERY SINGLE EVENT this couple is part of turns out to be painful and not fun. Would you just say "Sorry, we can't make it" and leave it at that, or would you feel you have to come up with an excuse?

I used to teach professionals a class called "Getting to NO" It was about how to deal with clients when you have to decline a loan etc in banking but invariably it turned into a social situation lesson as well, and for some reason mother in laws frequently came up :) My number one lesson, and one that people find the hardest to deal with is to just say NO. Thank you for the invitation, we are unable to attend. Say no more. If you offer an excuse than you open it up for debate...ie "Sorry we can't attend....We have regular Sunday dinners with Mom" Their response..."Bring Mom" You can't win with excuses. Just say NO.

What if you have no reason not to attend other than the fact that you just do not want to go? Would you have a problem saying you have other plans? Even if those other plans meant lying on the couch watching a Gilligan's Island marathon?

Again, don't offer up that you have other plans. "I'm sorry we can't attend" and no more so that you a) aren't a liar :) And b) offer no counter. If they press you just repeat, I'm sorry we can't attend.

Or if someone asks you to help them move, and you really do not want to do it. What would you say? Would you feel obligated to do so, especially if they said that they can't find anyone to help?

If this someone is a friend I'd offer to help pack (I'm known to be good at that) but beyond that I don't offer help aside from a moving company name. Friends don't ask friends to help them move :oP

What if you owned a truck and they asked to borrow it so they could move? Would you feel obligated to help them then?

We own several trucks, cars, etc. Again if this was a close friend I'd offer to drive it while they moved, but as our trucks are owned by the company we don't allow non-employees to drive them which everyone understands. We've many times though driven with a friend to pick up an antique or something in a flat bed and as long as I have time, I don't have a problem with this.

I'm not neurotic about a car though. If someone needs to borrow a car we own personally and they're good friends (ie we know their habits etc) we'd loan it without question. We have done this more than once for friends visiting.

You're asked by a coworker to spend even more money on yet another fundraiser for their kids school/Scout troop/sports league...would you dig in and do a pity order? If not, what do you do?

Yes I do pity orders. The amount of pity depends on the closeness of the relationship :) I then donate the item to a soup kitchen. Win win for all. I used to take my son when I did this so he could see why we brought cookies to the shelter...he does not eat cookies so he didn't mind giving them away LOL But still, it's a good life lesson for kids.

I learned the hard way long ago not to make up excuses and to just say thanks, but we can't or a polite variation. i got caught in a bad excuse( white lie) and hurt someones feelings no excuses. I feel better anyway not making up an excuse- i always felt guilty doing that- there is freedom in honesty and a simple answer.
We are past the age of friends needing help moving- we all did it when we were young and had apts. but not much cash.
Of course we move our DD in and out of her dorm each semester at college and will move her home at the end of the month after she graduates. we will help our kids if it is within our power , like moving.

We have an old pickup truck that we lend to neighbors and friends if they need to use it locally,with the proviso that it be returned with gas in it and keys in the mailbox. One ex neighbor didnt seem to grasp the idea but the others do. other neighbors get it.It has not been borrowed that much. We offered my van to a neighbors family visiting from down under but they were afraid to drive- so I drove them in town on my way to work and picked them up at the end of the day.crikey.
We all seem to take turns with the school/ fieldhockey/ baseball/scouts/fundraisers here at work.We have managed nicely to do this- it is mostly those with kids who will need to sell stuff later in the year or someone jones'n for Thin Mints.
And we are suckers for the little kids at the door with either a big brother or parent standing in the background.
I can't wait until the kids across the street come over. One of them came over when it was snowing and asked if they could "have a egg" I asked what they were making and it was something that goes in the oven. I better start saving my $$ now- there are four adorable boys- under the age of 6( set of twins)

"We are past the age of friends needing help moving- we all did it when we were young and had apts. but not much cash."

That's what I think, too. I used to loan out my Suburban if people needed help moving, but not my back.

Similar answers here. No problems saying no with no excuse. I'm sorry, I can't make it, is sufficient.

At this point in my life, no one asks for help moving. I've helped before but only with packing, not heavy lifting. I don't have a truck but I do have an SUV so depending on who/what, I'd probably help. Probably.

My MIL wanted me to use my SUV to pick up a rental table for her a while back. I made a policy years ago never to do her any favors due to a situation where my son did a favor for her and got yelled at, nay, screamed at, in a prolonged harangue over the phone for his efforts. Never again.

At my office, they put all the fundraising paperwork on the counter in the kitchen. I used to order GS cookies but I really don't need them and a couple years back I decided never to buy them again unless asked by a GS herself. But anyway, there's no pressure at all. They just sit back there and anyone who wants to order does.

I really don't know anyone with kids that age anymore. Back when I did, it was a sort of tacit agreement that we all ordered at least a minimum from each other's kids. It wasn't a huge amount. At one point, I told my kids to just stop bringing that stuff home. I didn't want to sell it and they didn't want to sell it. Enough already. Thank goodness we are done with all of that!