I'll follow this with interest. My husband can do the same thing. I say, "I saw neighbor Sam at the grocery and he said they are going to Pittsburgh this weekend." DH asks a whole bunch of questions when all I know is exactly what I've already said. This happens to me a lot with other people, too, and I wonder if I ''invite" such responses from people. Generally, I tend to be a font of trivial knowledge. Like I can recall Sam's sister's name, where his son goes to college, etc etc., while DH is in-one-ear-and-out-the-other. So my recall makes DH and others think I know everything.

Drives me bats.

But your case is not quite the same, since you do know the details. Why not ask her, "why do you want to know?" and see what happens?

Is she trying to live vicariously through you? Or, does she have so little control in her own life that she is trying to gain a foothold elsewhere by demanding to know everything from you? That situation would bug me too, but I know I wouldn't have the heart to do much more than answer her questions. Good luck.

I knew couple such people closely, and drove me bats too.

Well I knew them close enough to just loosing it sometimes and tell at some point "why do you ask at all ?" Not that it helped something..))

I called that "fruitless curiosity"

Now here it is probably different-you're not close enough(I guess) for an emotional outburst like I had..but are close enough as do everything possible without hurting your friend's feelings?

I'd try to round it up somehow with least of details as possible, tell about some that frankly I don't know about X, Y and Z myself, and change the subject..like ask her stuff about herself and her life..

When you answer seem not eager..(which is probably not hard), and give as little non-verbal reactions as possible..Like it's a topic that leaves you pretty "whatever". Reduced eye contact..etc..

She will most likely escalate even more. Trying to hold your attention. Then though if you're consistent-which is I must say is harder to pull off and doesn't make one feel great with himself- you're likely to notice a drop in this behavior. Might take several months too.

Hmm. Doesn't sound easy. Some questions might allow you to head off an interrogation (Where did she go to school?) by laughing it off "I've really no clue and no need to know!" but others seem disarmingly innocent (Where was the event?) and more difficult to avoid.

The fact that you say this behaviour has escalated over the years is what stands out for me. "Grilling" is an awkward way to make conversation. Could its escalation be a testament to her loneliness? A way to make her feel more "included" in your life? :/

Maybe she took a class that taught her that asking open ended questions was a good way to keep a conversation going? And she is practicing on you :) .

Sushi, interesting about how you remember things. My sister is like that and she is the way I can remember my past.

Jojo, my friend has enough going on in her own life.

April, good points.

Tartan, my friend has a busy life, work, friends, kids (although adults)

And yes, that is how I am feeling, "grilled." And, I have said that I don't really know the answer to what she is asking.

I am feeling overwhelmed in how to move forward. Because, this really bothers me now., whereas I used to laugh it off in the past. DH and I even have a joke when one of us is asking questions, we say "okay "D" referring to my friend and all her questions.

Maddie, haha.

Perhaps it's best to be straightforward about how her behaviour makes you feel? "I appreciate curiosity and know your interest is innocent but I'm feeling interrogated and it's making me uncomfortable."

Not sure this is the same situation but I had someone in my life who would do this incessantly. Wanted to know every detail of my life. I felt suffocated and eventually was able to distance myself (difficult because she could also be stalk-ish).

How do you think she'd react if the next time she starts grilling you you just came right out and said: You know it kind of gets on my nerves when you grill me with all these questions. Why do you do that? Then see what she says and hopefully lead to: Well it would be good if you can kind of back off on the interrogations.

It sounds like she is a relatively close friend. Depending on her personality you could possibly jeopardize the relationship - or not - or she could just ignore the request.

Is it possible for you to limit the amount of information she has with which to grill you? For example, don't disclose your other social engagements. It's very hard to change other people's behavior. I find you only have control over what you do. And since she is a good friend, I would find a way to reframe her behavior in my own mind and minimize the amount of material she has to work with. She is putting you in such an awkward position.

I think some people can’t just “be”. They have to be consuming. It doesn’t make them bad. You do have to limit how much you say in the first place though. My husband had friends that threaded themselves into every part of his life to the point of spooky. I hate to say it but I was almost glad when they got a divorce and moved away. I have childhood friends, all of the same family that I love . I have to be very carful on how much I say about certain things because they all consume me at once. Their helpfulness is absolute suffocation. They mean well but I try to keep a distance with sharing some info .

I'm a naturally inquisitive person as well as an introvert, so in a conversation, I tend to ask questions out of curiosity and to keep the spotlight off of me. I really am interested in other people--but I hope I don't come across as your friend does. I'm adept at reading nonverbal cues and know when to ease up, I think.

In your case, I would simply respond to her questions with, "Oh, enough about that! How are you?" Just deflect the conversation.

I was going to say pretty much what Feathers said. I am also curious and interested but looks like I'll have to check my questions.

When she asks you a question , follow it with “Why do you ask?” If it s not something personal you can answer and then follow with that phrase. It kind of puts the ball back in her court. Maybe she will get tired of having to explain herself and stop asking.

Feathers there is a fine balance. My problem is I don't understand WHY she needs to know the specific details. For example, my nurse scenario. If she then said, "My niece is looking at nursing schools etc." it would make sense. But why would she care how, what, when, where and why of EVERYTHING? This is what I am having difficulty with.

A co-worker breeds hunting dogs. I find this fascinating. She has shared pictures and I ask a ton of questions about these puppies. I think I am showing interest.

Tartan, yes to "I appreciate curiosity and know your interest is innocent but I'm feeling interrogated and it's making me uncomfortable." Maybe I can change the word uncomfortable to something else.

Whatsay, not exactly stalkerish, but she is involved in FB and Instagram. I told her I didn't want to friend her on FB explaining that I only do it for my kids. But, I didn't feel I could ignore the Instagram request since it is only photos and I don't post often.

Justerri, I am careful about what I say lately because I don't want the twenty questions.

She NEVER posts anything on her accounts. So, although she is viewing other people's she never adds her own, other than reacting to someone else's.

Hmm, since it is not a terribly serious issue and just annoying I would start by trying to deflect with humor, rather than having A CONVERSATION.

If she doesn't get the hint, I would be honest. What is it you don't like about this behavior and what would you prefer.

I can be a no-detail-too-small conversationalist, but only with fellow NDTS. Like my sister ... she and I can stay up all night talking about friends of her relative's friends, LOL. Not even gossipy just factual.

And when I relate something that I did or something that happened, look out. My DH is so used to it, then when my kids are asked something like "so, how did volunteering go today" or "how was the weekend away" or whatever he will say to them "tell it like a Mommy story." Which means exhaustive detail, insights and asides.

I am a fan of what I call the repetitive response. I come up with a one line response and use it over and over and over again. For your friend, it would be something like, "I have no idea." The same response for every single question.

And "Why do you ask?" works in the same way. There are many of us, who feel the need to answer questions honestly. So you know the answer, then "I have no idea" is difficult to say.

Two good ways. I agree with Sushi, I try to be honest for the most part. That is why it is difficult to say I don't know something when I do.

Maybe, "Oh my, why all these questions?"

I really do not want to hurt her feelings. Added to the fact that her DH was diagnosed with Parkinson's last year. She will need our friendship more than ever in the years to come.

Respectfully, you probably can't.

She is stimulated by the info. Maybe it takes her hyper thinking away from her problems. You'd have to block her viewing of your FB stuff that you don't want the interrogation of.

Since you want to retain the friendship and don't want to hurt her, an honest conversation about it might be wise. You could mention that you've noticed a change and are concerned.

To be fair, technology has radically changed personal interactions. I think that the boundaries of privacy and manners have moved, in part, because people post so many details of their lives online. There have always been nosy people, but sometime it seems like darned near everything is supposed to be fair game for the curiosity and entertainment of others.

My blind DH was chastised recently by a 35-year-old for starting to eat his meal before the latter had finished photographing his plate. DH had no idea that people photograph their meals in restaurants!

My blind DH was chastised recently by a 35-year-old for starting to eat his meal before the latter had finished photographing his plate. DH had no idea that people photograph their meals in restaurants!

Was the 35-year old chastised for taking a picture of your DH's plate without asking permission first?

Yeonassky, she doesn't have access to my FB. I really don't post there anyway. I use it to view my DD's only.

eld, it sounds like you'd like to change your friends behavior when a better goal might be to change your reaction to her behavior....changing her without hurting feelings or severing a relationship may not be possible.

We have two friends who question much like you've described. One, a very pretty and charming woman seems to get away with it more easily which may go along with being exceptionally attractive -and as I said charming. She has the most charming way of being nosy one could imagine. I keep my responses as brief as possible and change the subject when necessary. I don't spend a lot of time with her either, infrequent lunches, shopping dates, little of anything not a larger social event any more although I do consider her a friend. I don't know where her over active curiosity comes from. She has a nice husband of many years, pretty home and weekend cabin, two adult successful children, hobbies. I've come to accept its just her, has always been and will always be her.

The second friend is very close to someone in family and the questions (gossip really) are unending at family events. Since its a large family, we 'event' often. I try to appreciate his qualities that are good, and overlook what's annoying. That's not to say I'd plan an extended trip where he was included ;0)

@ tartanmeup

Was the 35-year old chastised for taking a picture of your DH's plate without asking permission first?

Alas, no. Since DH sees very little, he was focused trying to understand what was wrong. In any case, he decided early in life that it works better for him to be easygoing and have a sense of humor, because some people often just don't "get" vision impairment - no matter how many times it's explained.

Sounds like a lack of security. Next time she starts, smile and say, "I love and adore you, but I'm not going to answer any more questions about this."

It may be annoying but I have a "friend" that never asks questions. She only has a transmit button and it's all just stuff about her and her kids. You would think that I did not have a family or kids because she never asks about them but I know way too much about her family that is simply not interesting.

Maybe your life is a bit more interesting than hers. As long as it's not gossipy then maybe she's just living vicariously?

"....I have a "friend" that never asks questions. She only has a transmit button and it's all just stuff about her and her kids. "

I never cease to be amazed at how many people fit this description!

terrilynn - I wish I could check multiple likes - that was hysterical.....

Jterrilynn, if only we all had the nerve to do just that. I’m still laughing.

Eld, your poor friend must be lonely and trying anything to live a life she does not have. It sounds as if she is insecure. And with her husband’s illness, this may have become worse since she feels she cannot go out and do the things you are free to do. I think you do have to cut her off with ‘I really don’t have any idea’ most of the time, even if you do know.

I have had good luck with kind of a dismissive wave of the hand and saying, "Oh, let's not talk about that! I want to hear about what you've been doing. Have you read any good books? - I'm looking for a good read." (or something similar to change the subject). If she goes back to the subject, "Oh, I really am not interested in talking about that. Have you watched 'Unbelievable' on Netflix?"

Deflect. Deflect. Deflect.

I think the best way to stop the conversation is when she starts asking for more details, simply say "I don't know." If she continues to ask more questions, keep saying you don't know. It works.

Now, about those hunting dogs. :) What breed are they? If they're Pointers, get one!! They make great house dogs.

My husband used to have a friend who was told that people enjoy talking about themselves, so you should ask a lot of questions. He took this to heart excessively, because he was a bit socially inept. Every conversation with him was an interview. It was almost like he had a list of questions and he was going down one by one. I didn't know him all that well, so I avoided him.

Perhaps you could jokingly say something like "what, are you now working for the Times Herald? Should I expect to see this in print tomorrow?"

Oakley, they are German Shorthairs, but I already have a dog.

Some good points. Again, she is a busy person with a life. Husband, job, grown kids, friends and an elderly mom.

Why is it so important for her to know every. single. detail?

How about," Oh my. You seem to always want so many details. It is overwhelming! Then change the subject? Could that work? In other words, put the onus on me, not her.

(Any breeder/owner/trainer of hunting dogs likes to talk abut them. Just ask me. ;-)

I have known a couple people who want to deep dive into others' personal information but don't divulge much of anything about themselves.

Why is it so important for her to know every. single. detail?

There might be many reasons (distraction for her, a feeling of control, a feeling of connection, some kind of pathological nosiness...) but the reasons are irrelevant to how you feel.

How about," Oh my. You seem to always want so many details. It is overwhelming! Then change the subject? Could that work? In other words, put the onus on me, not her.

Yes, I think this could work and would be your best bet. You don't even need to say "you seem to always want". Simply saying "So many details!" in a flustered manner could be enough. I think expressing that you find it overwhelming is important.

Yes. This. People who want to deep dive into others' personal information but don't divulge much about themselves.

It's not that she wouldn't tell me if I asked, but it's not like she gives plenty of detail when she discusses what she is up to. For example, she might say she went to a craft fair over the weekend at ..... But then not go into any detail. One would think someone interested in detail would then give a whole review of what she bought, who she went with etc.

Do you ask her follow up questions to get more details? Perhaps that's what she'd like and she's asking you the kind of questions she wishes others would ask her? As someone else mentioned, we have all our own communication styles and some people want to hear a story as much as they want to tell one.

I can understand your feelings. I have someone similar to your friend and now I reply to her nosy questions with "I have no idea, I don't ask questions. After a while, she slowed down. I said it because it's the truth, I don't ask questions of people, I listen well.

I too have found that simply repeating "I don't know" cheerfully has a powerful way of putting an end to the interrogation.

I use "I have no idea" very successfully as a way to end conversations with a nosy superior at work. Like Ida said above, said in a cheerful way with a grin it doesn't come across as rude and I just keep repeating it until the conversation turns in a different direction.

I have used the "I don't know" when I actually don't. But in most cases the questions are wanting to know the specific details and yes I find it nosy.

You could use the Forrest Gump phrase. That's all I have to say about that. Unless she's brazen she made listen to the finality of that statement.

https://youtu.be/Otm4RusESNU