I wouldn't do it. If something makes you very very uncomfortable, you have a right to your feelings and to decide based on those feelings. And you don't even have to rationalize an answer, just say no.

If you act like a rug you are going to get stepped on. Regardless if the probabilities say everything with probably be OK, that doesn't take into account your worry time.

Furthermore, if you say yes that may not be the end of it, you may get another text asking if best man's gf can stay too. And their dog.

I'm just curious, what is it about having the best man that you don't care for?

If the best man would be comfortable bunking with the relatives I wouldn't have a problem with him coming. (We often enjoy the extra guest bought by the relative more then the relative.)

What will "hosting" entail? If it's just having him sleep in the apt with your cousin, then I can't imagine what impact that might have. If it means inviting them upstairs for meals, and he'd be in your home proper and you prefer not to have that intimacy with a stranger, then that would be different to me. He could be a perfectly lovely (and probably is, if your cousin is willing to bunk with him) guest. Maybe he'll reciprocate in some fabulous way you can't imagine, like inviting you to his condo in Hawaii, or something :-)

If the apt is self contained, you can make your excuses for not being able to spend much time with them and maybe have little impact at all. Tell them to bring sleeping bags so you don't have to do laundry.

We have a vacation house and deal with various situations, but unlike you, we do not have a separate apartment for guests. We do extend many invitations to friends and family and on occasion, their guests. We have had people invite themselves (and others...). If the friend can stay in the downstairs apartment, why not?

Mtn, what's bothering me is that I feel taken advantage of-this is a relatively distant relative that I don't spend time with often, and it feels like she is using us for a free stay in a vacation locale, rather than being a situation of one of my family or a close friend asking if someone else can join us. They aren't coming to the Keys to see my husband and me at all; it's not as if we'd been discussing a visit and they had a friend along.

I just spoke to my twentysomething daughter and she made me LOL. Her take: lie, and then move on ;). She said texting that our son and DIL had said they might come down to stay is the way to go. So I think that's what I will do. As daughter pointed out, telling them a flat no is going to be awkward. And letting them come when it will bother us is also not an option I want to choose.

Ahh, I see what you are saying.

I see nothing wrong with a white lie when you feel someone else has put you in an awkward situation.

And.....we caved ;). My husband just came home and basically said what others have pointed out with a rather practical additional consideration: 'They're veterinarians, we have cats, eventually we'll get something out of this deal'. Gotta love a systems analyst mind!

More to the point, he said we might as well agree gracefully this time, and from now on we will be a bit more on our guard about how we handle folks angling for invitations. It felt like the right choice to text back a simple 'ok' and we'll see how it goes.

Thanks for those who responded so quickly-I did want to answer one way or another because texting is a pretty immediate back/forth, and waiting a day or so would have definitely been awkward. I already got a response from her thanking us so that's making me feel better already. In the end I suppose family, even distant and sorta pushy family, is what's important

What a great group!

PS While I typed this she asked if we're going to be there for Memorial Day, and when I said yes said her parents (my first cousin and husband) are thinking of visiting and she's using us 'as bait'. LOL....fortunately I could tell her the truth which is that we're already full up for that weekend but happy to host them for my niece's HS family celebration we are having down there.

Glad this worked out! Who knows, it is possible they really enjoyed their visit with you all over the holidays and want to cultivate the relationship whether you offer them a place to stay or not. Your spirit of generosity will probably pay great dividends :).

My brother has homes in very desirable areas including Rosemary Beach, FL and an apartment on the upper East side in NY. He is very generous with his properties, but I would not be happy if he assumed I was angling to stay at one of his homes when I let him know I am planning to visit one of those areas and inquire if he will be at that particular home.

Hopefully, you all will have a great visit and they are perfect guests!

I think you made the right decision this time. Live and learn. I don't know how long you've owned the house, but the first few years are indeed a learning curve, one that you will navigate according to your needs and the requests of friends and family. There is a saying, "you never know how many friends you have until you buy a beach house...." or something to that effect.

I know you have decided (and I would have come to the same decision), but I would recommend being honest if it happens again. If you lie saying your son and DIL are coming, that just leaves open the possibility that it will happen at another time and how often do you want to have to repeat the lie? After this weekend, could you let her know that you normally don't let anyone but your family and your own personal friends stay with you...that this was an exception for her this time?

Glad you got it worked out.

I take a different approach. If someone has the nerve to ask me for a favor, I have the nerve to say no - and no excuses are necessary. I do have this situation come up from time to time where friends wants to stay in my house in Los Angeles, and if I will not be here, I tell them flat out no. If I will be here, they can visit, but cannot bring children, as my house is not child-proof, and it has many temptations for children.

We do not have a vacation house yet, but are shopping for one and plan to buy one early next year. I'm not sure how that is going to work out, but we might actually rent it out part of the year.

This is a fast paced and evolving situation, similar to hostage negotiations I suppose LOL. We feel comfortable saying yes this time, and we are now on notice to be careful about them in terms of taking advantage. Since my last post she's asked if we can host her parents and them for Memorial Day-after I'd already said we have a full house (which is true)! So yes either their concept of family visits is more elastic or she's pushy or maybe both.

Love that saying about friends and beach houses and it's probably all too true. We are definitely still finding our feet and I like Bonnie Ann's point about deciding as it fits our comfort and needs.

And Cyn, you are absolutely right and I won't start down the path of telling lies, even white lies. I'm not going to make a point specifically to my cousin now about letting strangers stay, but as noted from now on I won't be inviting them based on hints and if it won't work for us I"ll just say so. In fact that's a perfect phrase: that won't work for us. Might be because we'll be hanging around in our skivvies watching tv but heck that's nobody's business but ours is it?!

I remember as a kid my brother coming to visit before being transferred to new mexico, he said, can a bring a couple we are friends with? Without a pause mom said sure but they will have to sleep on the screen porch as we don't have any extra beds or rooms(bro, wife, and 3 kids pretty much filled the avaiable space). Bro thought they'd be fine with that. They were strangers to us but a very nice couple and they all stayed about two weeks. Thats life living in Florida.

I think a white lie is okay too. Although that won't preclude the situation happening again. The truth would. In the lessons learned dept though: I would have assumed that all three would want to stay in the same place, since they are traveling together, and then invited or not based on that assumption.

I live in a lovely coastal town in Maine. I love having guests and people donstop and spend the night. However I have had to sat “House is full I can set up a tent or two in the yard”

Roses that is an excellent point-I didn't really think through the situation but where else would their friend stay but with them?! As for white lies, since the interaction is via text and the first question is always 'are you going to be down there [fill in day/weekend/holiday] I can always just say no and leave it at that. I"m sure it will work out.

Also apologies for double posting--if someone can tell me how to delete one, I'll do that as it was an accidental repeat!

Well, all I can say is your cousin/niece has chutzpah. After you said yes to this visit, she immediately asked about Memorial Day for herself, spouse, and parents??? Yikes!! I'd say you're in for it.

After this visit, perhaps change your phone #! lol! I mentioned sleeping bags before, but I'd seriously tell them to bring them or their own bedding...suggest that if they don't want to stay and wash up their bedding when they are ready to head home, sleeping bags or their own sheets will make it easier on them.

That would really help me feel less taken advantage of. I know if someone was as nervy as she appears to be and I already felt put upon, cleaning up/doing their laundry would make me feel a bit resentful. I never feel that way when my friends visit, but think I would in this situation.

I'm late to the thread, but I hope you enjoy these guests. I have a horrible time saying no to distant family members who request to visit even though they are always about having a free place to stay, not about visiting us. That's the price of living in a vacation destination. I'm looking forward to the time when we have downsized and can truly say that there's no guest room.

That third person may just be your next best friend!

I don't think you are being taken advantage of when they ASK if they can bring their best man. If they simply showed up with him it would be another story. It's 2 nights-- not a week. As for guests, some are helpful, clean up, others not so much. You will know after 2 days if you ever want to "invite" them again. If you are really feeling put out, I would let them know you can only handle breakfast and they should make other plans for lunch and dinner.

I just re-read your posts OP. They are 20 something year olds? These kids are simply looking for a bed and a shower. My bet is that they will be easy guests. On Sunday morning, let them know what to do with sheets and towels.

I am one that can totally understand. I have asked several questions on this forum involving house guests. I am glad you figured it out. If you feel uncomfortable then you should not have to do anything you do not feel right about.

I hope all goes well. At least they aren't asking to stay for a month or more. That happens to me more times than I can say!

The "hinted", you relented. They then added a third. You agreed. But, then they asked about their parents! Are they asking if they can use the house when you are not there?

Okay, I take back my previous comment. This girl has a lot of nerve. You are going to have to get very blunt and firm about no means no. Otherwise, she will just move in. There is another post, I think last year, about a couple that had built a lakefront house with a guest cottage. They had her way removed cousin wanting to come all the time with the cousin's extended family. I don't think she had even seen the cousin before they bought the house.

I guess when you live in a desirable vacation area, it is something you have to deal with. You want guest rooms for close family and friends, but you are not running a hotel.

"I just re-read your posts OP. They are 20 something year olds? These
kids are simply looking for a bed and a shower. My bet is that they will
be easy guests. On Sunday morning, let them know what to do with sheets
and towels."

Totally agree with this. And they did tell you from the start that the friend would be coming with them. Did you not think he would stay with them?

You will have to come up with a way to handle the requests, and I think honesty is the best policy. Don't start with the white lies, you may find yourself caught in one.

I bought a beach home about a year ago and that's when I found out having a vacation home in a desirable beach town brings people out of the woodwork.

I said yes a few times, to things that made me uncomfortable - but I didn't want to be perceived as a witch.

I am a clean freak and people rarely clean to my standards. :) It's a major PITA showing up to your own beach house, and having to strip linens, clean bathrooms, etc., before you feel comfortable being in your own home.

However everything changed when a guest really did not take proper care of my house. He returned the keys to us without saying a word, just a thanks. But when we showed up the next week, there were several broken items (including what was a brand new screen door), some garbage he left in the garage (in the heat - WOW that smelled nice), and my nice new linen couch had 2 stains.

Now I embrace my inner witch, and I usually just tell people we have too many personal items there. I know I've irked a few people who wanted to use it - but I don't care. And to those of you who say you value people more than things - well, I have to say, the people who are ballsy enough to ask to use my house probably do rank below my stuff. ;) I worked very hard for all of this and it bothers me immensely when other people don't treat it with care.

Running - I'm afraid you're going to have to tread carefully when dealing with these relatives. They seem a little pushy. You mentioned that the first text question is "Are you going to be there?" Even if you say 'no' that may not be enough of a deterrent - they might ask if they can use your place anyway.

I hope you enjoy their visit - and you may want to be prepared for more requests while they're there.

" I worked very hard for all of this"

Yes, and there are plenty of rentals everywhere. We don't have a vacation property, but we do have an RV that we also worked very hard for. I am very particular about it and wouldn't loan it out to anyone.

A few years ago we bought a lake house with some friends. We agreed immediatly that we didn't want to share! So, if a friend or family who we were comfortable with wanted to use the house, the answer was to be "we allow it for close friends or family for $100 a night." So far, no takers!! Sometimes I feel a little jerky about it, but it's our house! I'm weirdly possessive about it. And it's not like it is nice. It's a 70's shaggarific palace!

Anyway, good luck getting these folks to understand boundaries. I think the next time they ask the answer has to be no just to lay some groundwork.

Still betting that a request to bring the dog will pop up.

You might also consider as a future response, “We haven’t planned that far ahead. Ask me around [insert short time before requested date]. Or “I’ll let you know by [insert date 3 days before requested date].” Should work as a deterrent for those who have to fly to reach the destination.

We have a beach house and often run into this situation but in our case most people usually want to bring their kids and some are quite young. I have relented before and let friends and their kids stay while we have been on vacation elsewhere but I am never comfortable doing it. If we are there and friends want to visit we hardly ever say no.

Seems like those of us with vacation homes all end up in this same boat sooner or later. :) My neighbors at the ocean all have similar tales too. Some people put up with the unwelcome stream but resent it, and others have found a way to say no.

Wow, that escalated quickly. Now she’s planning additional weekends and expecting/hoping you to provide lodging? Cut her off now. She has no shame. I agree with Lucille, expect an as-yet unmentioned dog.

I think you need to say we were a little apprehensive about allowing you and a guest to stay and you haven’t even been here yet and you’re asking for more. Since we agreed to (whatever date with the best man), you can stay but no more after that.

You can even give her credit for helping you to define your guest policy, which you could name after her. The No Guests thanks to Cousin Susie give her an inch she takes a mile policy.

Great thoughts and input, thank you everyone! To answer a couple of questions/comments: this is the first time we've gotten a hint that they want to come stay with us-then again they only found out and visited the house at Xmas so it just took 4 months for them to make their bid;). I did have to tell her bluntly *twice* that we don't have room for more guests over Memorial Day so cannot host her, husband and her parents and she then said she would call my dad (her great-uncle) to ask if he can host them(!). Actually that will work out, my dad lives about 30 miles north of the house, alone and loves company so they can stay there and come down for the day.

We had lunch with my son today who said she had already texted him and my DIL yesterday since they hit it off at the holidays, similar ages and stages of life. They asked if son/dil were staying at the apartment this weekend and got a negative response so I'm glad I didn't try the white lie that it would be in use by them! OTOH son also mentioned that when their cat had a severe medical issue a couple of weeks ago the cousin and husband who are both veterinarians talked my DIL through a crisis at 2 am so there is some back and forth as far as them being helpful and kind family members.

As noted by others this is our wake up call about how and with whom we want to share our piece of paradise. Right now we are comfortable that we'll consider hints or requests if we can put people downstairs easily and if it's a weekend that works for us, ie if I've had a horrible week I'll just say no. No to people asking or hinting to stay upstairs which is our turf and which would be a direct invasion of privacy. Hard no on lending the house or apartment out when we aren't there and given how pushy she was yesterday I wouldn't be surprised if that happens at some point. I am comfortable being firm about that.

I just had to laugh out loud at lobby's response. Good one.

You've got it sorted, but had to laugh about your skivvies comment. Haven't heard that word in a long time, brought back memories.

Running I’m wondering as well, if they hit it off with everyone at Christmas, they may genuinely also want to see you and spend some time and may be under the impression you had just as much fun. That happens in my extended family every once in a while, have a great brief time together, then we spend a little too much time and realize why we are all in different provinces.

I always schedule a cleaning immediately before a guest uses our home, and immediately after. That way I don't feel like I am cleaning for their arrival ... or cleaning up after them, either. I would resent both.

If they are of modest means, I absorb both days of cleaning. If they are not of modest means, I tell them in advance that "all I ask is that they cover the cost of having my cleaning lady come after they leave." I do not think that is too much to ask and it keeps everyone happy (including my very deserving cleaning person).

When someone wants to stay with me and I don't want to have company a simple, "I'm sorry that won't work for me." No further explanation is needed. If they ask why I have been known to say, "Sorry, personal reasons." You don't owe anyone a reason. I find as I am aging I have less tolerance for visitors or to be a visitor. I much prefer a hotel or rented apartment.

I've never had anyone invite themselves to our vacation home other than very close friends who I've essentially invited to do so. If a casual acquaintance or relative invited themselves I'd simply say - sorry we can't accommodate you then. I can only comfortably tolerate so many visitors, no one I don't really want to spend the time with and no one when we're not there. Our second home is our home, we don't rent it out and we don't make it available to casual non-paying visitors either. I guess I must exude that message as people don't ask.

"Running I’m wondering as well, if they hit it off with everyone at Christmas, they may genuinely also want to see you and spend some time and may be under the impression you had just as much fun."

No the texts stated that they are coming to the Keys with their friend and asked if the friend could stay with them after I invited them based on the broad hint that they wanted to stay over Saturday night etc. As I've commented before it is clear they are NOT coming for a visit to us. To be fair however I will try to reserve judgment till we see how things go.

The lesson in this situation is the familiar one: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. From now on with this relative and with everyone else we won't be caught off guard. We will use our polite spine which is a great phrase I picked up on the internet somewhere. If we feel ok about hosting we will. If we don't we won't.

We definitely need to get our minds right about how we will manage access to our place. It's pretty amazing for visitors: deep water (ocean) access in the Florida Keys very close to some of the best dive/snorkel reefs and a house that was fully remodeled by the previous owner. So not only is everything nice looking and fresh but we have stocked it with canoes and kayaks and we even have a pool for lounging and sunbathing. My son leaves his flats boat there (small skiff type that can poke into lots of shallow fishing areas). We sometimes take the boat out for dinner at local waterfront restaurants. As is normal down there the house is two levels. The apartment is a full 1/1 on the first level that is completely separate from our living area upstairs.

We've already hosted almost every holiday since we bought it for our extended family and love having them and good friends visit. I just need to be clear about how much family and friends can expect to decide when they come rather than US deciding when they come LOL.

Hahahahaha, actually hhireno you'd probably be more fun than I suspect my twentysomething relatives will be after their bacchanalia doing whatever they're coming to the Keys to do!

And BTW I hope it doesn't sound too braggy--I take no credit for the wonder that is our vacation/retirement house. It was set up nicely when we bought it and the fun n games are all just waiting around. Well I guess we added the boat and kayaks but otherwise husband and I sit around every week marveling that we actually got lucky enough to buy this place ;).

hhireno invited me to come along, thanks running!

Can I bring my dog?

No, no Lucille...surprise her with your dog. Just show up with him/her. People love that.

Can I bring my cats? One of them barfs occasionally, but it dries up pretty quickly.