Say "oh, i hope you have fun." And leave it at that. If she asks to stay in your home,say a firm but polite no. If she pushes you to explain why, do so. You don't have to be rude about it. Just tell her.

I never kept a lot of close friends after high school. I felt it somewhat of a burden that everyone was always expecting something from me. About a decade ago I made the decision to cut what remaining "friends" i had out of my life. They were not real friends.I was not rude, i was not mean, I just did it. They knew why and there are no hard feelings. Just acceptance, I will not budge. Every once in a while I will get a "how are you" text and I will answer "just great,thanks." And that's it. I don't respond to further attempts to engage me. .

I have lots and lots of acquaintances. Lots. And I am happy with that. I am friendly with some ladies at work, but I have never hung out with them outside of work. Its my choice and it has made my life so much lighter and happier.

Friends should not cause stress that is not related to concern......

Use your words to repeat that you do not think that it would be a good time for you to see them no matter when they suggest getting together. A lunch or dinner at a restaurant is enough no need to invite them to your home.

I do wonder what you thought someone not living near you could do to be supportive other than phone or web communications.

Whenever some people get wind of you having a second home (beach, lake, mountains, wherever) some will attempt to get an invitation to stay with you or have you allow them to stay in your home. Don’t buy into it. You can simply say you aren’t entertaining visitors at this time with no more explanation necessary. Or you can come clean and tell her the real reason why.

I’m not a fan of ghosting in general, but I have used that with people I was not interested in keeping in my life and felt no need or desire to explain. I might start with short replies that do not engage and then just stop responding altogether.

While I am not someone who avoids confrontation, I also don’t think it’s necessary if there is nothing to gain. You can’t require this person to leave their spouse, said spouse is not going to change and you don’t want to spend time with them. Nothing will be gained with an explanatory conversation, so drift away for everyone’s sake.

The sure way to get no invitation from me, no matter for what, is to hint you expect or would like an invitation. If she brings it up again, no need to say more than- Sorry, we're not having friends over.

PS with your having said she's not the friend you thought, I wouldn't worry about being too firm if done politely.

I know I'd say in a lighthearted manner that with the way the world is going, DH and I aren't into making plans a year in advance, at this point. Let's see whats happening when it gets closer. When she brings it up months from now give one of those smack the forehead reactions and tell her you completely forgot and your Aunt Tilly or your Uncle Oscar's cat will be in residence for whatever month it is that she mentions.

If she's smart, she'll realize you're blowing her off and you may not be bothered by her again. It is no longer a friendship because it is not beneficial or enjoyable for all the parties.

I had a friend of many years. My DH absolutely adored her first husband. A few years after he passed, she found someone and couldn't wait for all of us to get together. Neither of us were too impressed but we gave it a few more tries. I was indifferent but DH couldn't stand him.

The new guy was one of those guys who always had to go to the restroom two minutes before the bill arrived. One time DH even said we'll split the bill. Your share is xyz. Oh, gee. He couldn't believe he forgot his wallet and said my friend doesn't carry credit cards when they are on a date night.

That was the last straw. I had to come up with an appropriate smack the forehead incident, but we never really got together again unless it was a group setting.

It's tough, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do for your own peace of mind.

"So Elmer...I heard your house here in So Cal is really nice😉"

Its nothing special, a good size and location for a second house, about a mile to the beach. We're there now.

We won't be having friends over for a few weeks but I'll make an exception for you. Find it and come by before 7:00 pm tonight, we'll enjoy a nice bottle of wine together on the patio.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Edited after the fact, tough to make contributions and corrections using a phone. It's not my thing. Cleaned up now.

If she brings it up again just tell her to let you know when they're in town and you'll suggest a restaurant near where they're staying to get together for a dinner.

She'll get the message.

Mailfluer my friend lives 40 minutes from my primary home.

BLfenton, I can’t imagine them being on this side of Florida besides seeing me.

I don't know why, but I suspect that, given what eld has told us already about this friend, she'd never get the message with subtle hints...

I had a someone I’d been friends with since Kindergarten. Over the years she changed into someone I no longer recognized and she saw nothing morally wrong with anything she was doing. I dreaded having anything to do with her so one day I told her that for a variety of reasons I felt it was better for us to go our separate ways. I kept it short but I was honest with her. You should probably be honest with your friend too. If you like talking to her on the phone just tell her that you’re not interested in having company while you’re in Florida. You don’t have to make up an excuse and you don’t owe her a reason, but don’t ghost or lie about it. If she asks why tell her it’s a choice that you and your husband have agreed on. If she doesn’t like it, tough. If you really don’t enjoy their company though, then just tell her that you are no longer interested in the friendship and move on.

ETA: The lesson I learned from that experience is that you’re not supposed to feel the anxiety, dread or negativety over someone who is supposed to be your friend. If the person doesn’t add joy to your world then he or she really isn’t a friend right?

I would just say that your husband does not get along with her husband and does not want to see him or be around him (or whatever is the truth). The closer you can get to telling her the truth, the better off you will be - why pretend?

I have friends in St George, Utah that we visit from time to time and who have visited us in Los Angeles, and I have allowed them to stay in my house in L.A. when I was not there. They also love Palm Springs and have suggested that they would like to stay at our house in Cathedral City (PS adjacent), but I have let them know in no uncertain terms that they are not allowed to bring their dog to our house. Mark is very dependent on the dog, but Greg (my original friend) wishes that Mark had not bought another dog right after the previous one died. Greg is very understanding that I do not want a dog in our house, as he would also prefer not to have a dog.

I did not change the names to protect the guilty - their real names are Greg and Mark.

when she brings up Florida, expecting an invitation?

I think you have the right idea about waiting until her request occurs. Y'all used to be close; and while chances of this happening may be slim, she may come to her senses regarding her husband and also her own remiss behavior in providing support for you during your surgery.

I'm with Lars....honesty is best policy...doesn't mean it can't be kind, but to say that you're uncomfortable having them as guests in your house is your right. Spending time together as couples is not something you can do or care to do. But don't feel obligated to say more than necessary. Keep it short and sweet.

Wish her well, peace be with her, but get off my land.

I too agree with Lars. Truth nicely told.

eld6161, I had to think about this one. The fact that it’s a dilemma for you (it would be for me as well, because I dread confrontation) suggests that it’s not as simple as just “here, say these words”.

You’ve been friends since childhood. That’s big. You must have a lot of memories of your time together over the years.

Two things stand out to me. Both are her choices. One is not being supportive when a real friend would have been, when you had surgery. Second thing is her choice of partner.

Some people don’t take hints. Sounds like she she may be one of those.

I hate these situations, but it sounds like you may have to just lay it out there. 😬

Some harsh responses. This woman chose her life partner and you’d make her second guess that decision because YOU don’t like him? I’m not saying force yourself to hang out with him but I can’t imagine being so rudely blunt.

This situation is not that hard. They’re not going to Aruba because of the uncertainty with the pandemic. If it gets mentioned again and hints become too strong to ignore tell them that you aren’t making plans to entertain due to the uncertainty with the pandemic.

HU-...5031, no one is suggesting this woman do anything with or about her life partner, only that *they* don't want to spend time with him. I'm not sure where you think they're suggesting she question her choice in husbands.

My GF since kindergarten and I are still besties and see each other often, but I don't enjoy spending time with her husband because I can never have a conversation with him and relax. He's so competitive that every conversation becomes a "discussion" with one upmanship regardless of topic....that it becomes "work" rather than relaxing conversation. So we see each other as gal friends and don't do couples stuff. It makes no judgment on her choice in mate...they've been happily married for 40 years. He and I get along, but I'm just not interested in socializing with him. And we're fine with that.

How about replying with, oh how nice. Maybe we could get together for lunch or something. Call me when you are settled. She didn't actually invite herself to your home so just hope she will see that no invitation is coming. If she asks outright to stay with you, you'll have to tell her that that won't be possible. You could say you had other company or other plans or come right out and say you don't think your husbands are comfortable with each other. Hopefully she doesn't get too angry and blow up the friendship. If she does, it was inevitable anyway.

A dog is different than a husband.

Funny, my DH just said that if Chloe mentions she is coming down to say, “tell us where you are staying, we will meet you for lunch!”

Michele, you hit the nail when you mentioned our history. For so many years, Chloe was my go- to friend, who knew everything. She has been demoted from that role and I have a more “ recent” friend of twenty years who now holds that distinction.

Honestly, I would be more than happy for her to come on her own but that would not fly.

And, she would be hurt by the suggestion.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Annie, you’re very fortunate to still have your childhood friend. I wish the outcome with mine had turned out differently.

Eld sorry if I misunderstood your vent but irregardless of the circumstances, I believe it’s still best to be honest with her about your feelings. And who knows, maybe the situation won’t even present itself and the worry was for not.

I like what your husband said....."meet you for lunch." That's a good way of putting things straight.

I had a group that I jogged with, my husband joined us on weekends. The "guys" often bicycled together without us. (they were ALL nurses & pharmacists @ a nearby hospital). Phyllis decided she was leaving her employed responsible, psychologist husband, who adopted her two children for a guy she met in the park.....what they call a "carnie". He makes kids wooden toys, travels with street fairs selling his toys. Craig had already tried picking up on Brenda & myself before he settled for Phyllis. Then immediately "borrowed" $5k from her. Phyllis told her DH she wanted a divorce, but not why...at first. He thought it would all blow over. My husband was sworn to secrecy and "mad-as-He&&" watching this all go down and how his friend, Phyllis's husband, was being treated..

My husband wanted "me" to stop seeing Phyllis....and break off from this group he was so angry. I did. I miss them all. I've never found a group like that again....

Nicole, that is certainly uncomfortable.

Annie, I too have a few friends that are just us. We tried the couples route a few times, but there was and is never pressure to include the husbands. We enjoy our ladies night out for socializing or birthdays. Looking forward to getting back to this tradition.

The pandemic may go on for years. In the meantime people you don't live with the rest of the time should not be staying in your house. And if there is enough of a change for them to come and stay with you safely that will mean they can go back to Aruba instead.

Embothrium, people are already traveling and are making plans for future travel.

Chloe mentioned that she didn’t feel safe in Aruba next year, but then said Florida, where they can drive, although a very long drive.

Whatever. Everyone has their own comfort level and how they handle the pandemic.

I had a friend who's husband I was not very fond of. We all got along well enough though. Until he was arrested for stealing from his employer. Not a petty amount. Thousands of dollars. She was very upset and I thought I was being supportive but it must have been transparent that I was horrified he did such a terrible thing. She absolutely turned on me. She pretty much justified his actions by saying that the employer treated him badly and that he was under-paid and passed over for promotions. They deserved it. I then thought less of her but kept that to myself. The friendship cooled a great deal and we became very casual friends. Perhaps that was for the best, sad as it was. I don't think I would want him in my house.

We know a couple like that although the wife is great as compared to your "friend", but her husband is avoidable. We refrain about talking vacation plans with them and if it comes up we just say that we're undecided about where & when to go and that it may just be a last minute decision if we go at all. Then just go when the time comes, it's not really their business.

The mutants are thriving and the problem is worsening because of what people are already doing. Despite the vaccination programs. With the governor of my state talking about reverting to the previous levels of restrictions - public health experts thought it a disaster that 1.5 million Americans had passed through airports during one recent day.

Recently I had a longtime acquaintance look me in the face and state with complete authority and conviction that "The virus does not exist". I could of course see their expression because they weren't wearing a mask.

I am with Embothrium and have been from since this all began. The virus is just doing the normal increase then drop back as more people become infected or vaccinated then rears its ugly heads in new directions. Increasing and dropping back once again perhaps several times. Looking at what is happening at other parts of the world should give people an indication of what may soon happen here. So there is no need to do anything other than tell your friend it is too soon to even know what your plans will be for this winter.

Years ago, I had a friend who wanted, with her husband, to visit and stay at my apartment in Manhattan. I know hotels are outrageously expensive but I'm a very private person. She straight out said, "Just two nights. We'll sleep on the floor." She and her husband lived in a house. I don't think they grasped just how small a small studio apartment can be. Or how sacred private space is in a hectic city. I just told her that it wasn't a good idea because I'm a nudist and never wear clothes at home, and they might not be comfortable hanging out with me naked. Situation averted.

If you love your friend and want to keep her friendship, I would also take the "Oh, sorry I can't invite you to stay with us as we aren't making plans to have guests because of the pandemic. But let us know when you'll be in town and we can meet up for dinner or lunch." Your husband can always have something come up so he doesn't join you.

My thinking, being a long time widow, is that circumstances change. Maybe someday she'll be a widow or a divorcee and you will still have her friendship, if that's important to you.

I've decided not to have unmet expectations by my friends affect my friendships. We just don't know what's going on in someone's life at the time I might expect something from them, or how they respond or process illness or need in others. If they are people I want in my life for other reasons, I just don't let disappointment have a seat at the table. Asking directly for what we need or want from someone is a better approach than having our friends fail to meet our unstated expectations.

If somebody feels they are expected to justify their preference - in this case to not host supposed good friends at their own home - then that is a red flag about the relationship right there. As in the friends are probably overbearing and controlling.

An expression that comes to mind is "don't be a doormat", maybe in this case it should be "welcome mat".

The more I think about things, I think that if she brings up traveling down to Florida some time next year, , I’ll just not say anything. Let it fly right over.

Oly, I think I want to keep this friendship for pure,y sentimental reasons. When she clearly wasn’t there for me when I needed a good friend, I realized that I valued her friendship more than she valued mine. It took a few years but we did talk through my disappointment

I realized that she just wasn’t the friend I thought she was.

Going back in time, if the situation was in reverse, my first thought would be to be by her side.

And, although my knee jerk reaction today would be too, I would not do it. My place in her pecking order is lower and I have since lowered mine..

i reconnected with a high school friend a couple of years ago. i'm in illinois, she's in minnesota. she mentioned taking a road trip with one of her grown daughters and asked about stopping by for a couple of days. i told her i'd love to see her, which i would have. BUT, when she found out i had 4 great danes that live in the house, she asked if i would mind keeping them **gasp** outside or closed off in a different room while they visited.

i told her no, i wouldn't even consider doing that. i was polite about it but was also pretty ticked that she would have the nerve to ask me in the first place. we haven't spoken much since, i don't think we have nearly as much in common as we did when we were teenagers.

Our main home and vacation home are both in popular beach towns. When we were younger, we were excited to have people want to stay with us. Soon we ended up feeling used and we wanted our own space. Especially, when they and we, had families.

I can't tell you how many people have dropped hints and some have been incredibly pushy, even argumentative. We have had people staying with us, disappear for the day, and show back up when they want dinner. Others have been invited for the day, and then say they are too tired to drive. Some have insisted on coming when we were both working.

Now when someone tells me they are going to be in either town, I tell them I would be happy to meet up with them for a day/dinner/lunch out and provide them with recommendations of a good place to stay and things to see.

Lynda, do you find they more often or not take you up on your offer?

I forgot to mention that we live in a three bedroom house with only one bed. Okay, we do have a blow up single mattress just in case. If you’re interested, we’re happy to invite guests - sometimes at our cost - to stay at the local relatively inexpensive Marriott. And when I pay, I keep the points. problem solved!

eld6161, About 50%-50%, but it is a good way to know who really intended to come, and who just wanted a free vacation.

Interesting reading here. A bit late to this but the thought that came to mind was what a wise teen girl I know said once: "Make the true words sound kind. "

Ahh....Lynda. I know what you speak of. We too are on a lake in a cooler northern climate. We have a few family members who gave us the B&B treatment. I was rather blunt with them as they were leaving and told them it is a shame that there was no time left for us to actually see each other. Maybe next time they came they could find some time during their busy sightseeing to visit with us. They got the hint and looked embarrassed that I was on to them. They are not interested in visiting anymore. Good thing. I was furious being their free hotel.

Elizabeth, I feel the opposite at certain times. But, yes people can be rude. They could have at least asked you if you wanted to join them.

When we have guests for longer than a weekend, I love for them to take off on their own. Meet back for dinner or a night activity.

A few years back DH‘s niece came with her family and it was the first time for the kids to explore NY. Both DH and I were not interested in long sightseeing days.

But, the difference is that we invited them and they are family.

My sister lives in a tourist town in NC. She stills gets the occasional co worker from her previous town calling and hinting. These are people she never socialized with when she was there!

Hard to say if they just can’t afford a hotel, or are cheap and want to pull one over.

Actually one good friend of hers was planning a visit and then asked if she could bring a friend of hers! Someone my sister never met.

People are so different when it comes to hospitality. This friend, I will call her Tilly, is very bohemian for lack of a better word. She would certainly not only welcome you into her home, but anyone you would want to bring. When she travels, she stays with strangers.

People don’t realize that others have different styles.

One time my SIL wanted to come for a weekend. She set things up for whenever she visited that she couldn’t drive a night. DH would be off doing his thing leaving me to entertain her.

Let’s just say she is not my favorite, for many reason.

So, when she asked, inwas tired and told her no. A few months later she told me how annoyed she was, “ after all, you have to cook anyway!” What’s the big deal?

I found out after many years she lied about the night driving. She accidentally mentioned what she did and I said to myself really? I stopped the sleepovers unless I felt it was necessary.

She could have been honest and said that she really enjoyed time with us and getting away for a weekend.

I see that you are already working through the components of this concern.

I'd address this now, not be anticipating a firm, "We're comming!" She doesn't seem to be asking you to host them. She wants to rent in the same area and have built-in friends. My take would be different if they want to rent where you would be immediate neighbors.

If you want to continue a lesser attachment to this woman, I'd tell her you're happy to continue your telephone connection; after all, that's been *her* participation, not stepping up when you were ill. If you would like to see her, you can say that you and she 'do lunch' together IF they come to Florida. Her DH is her burden, not yours, and the only connection here is between two old gal pals. You can make that clear by 'sparing' the men from any luncheon plans and female chatter.

Chisue, she is in denial and overly protective of him. I have short comings, you have, we all do. But his behavior is over the top. Added to his moral compass. All in all, just not normal. She has lost many friends over it but according to her it always the other peoples fault.

Just want to add that it sure takes a lot of nerve to invite oneself as a houseguest. I can't imagine ever doing that.

And when I am invited to be a houseguest, I try my best to be a good one - and people often tell me I am - not to brag or anything 😄

Carol, me too. I make the distinction of a visit or a vacation. If I am a guest in someone’s home, it is a visit. This means that I help out around the house, offer to cook and treat the host to a meal or two out.

Did I miss something? Chloe is asking to stay with you in your home?

I get it about her DH. She doesn't, but that just means you have to inform her that he is not included in any get-togethers between the two of you. You are entitled to put up that wall.

I'm sorry for her, but he's her choice!

Chisue, it was a clear hint.

Oh, gosh. In that case I really would respond with parameters right now! I'd say how much you enjoy your telephone contact...period, and if she says they do plan to stay somewhere in Florida, you might 'do lunch', *just you girls*. That's pretty plain, to me, at least. You can be 'one of those people who don't like 'Frank'.)

We had sometimes had unwelcome, noisy quail on property our Maui place. We called them Frank and Irma. Hence, 'Frank'.

ELD, I like the idea of planning a 'girls day out' at a spa or something like that. Let her know that it is just you two. Afterwards you can evaluate if it is still a friendship that works for you. You may find that without her husband you get along great, or you may find that she is more of an acquaintance that you enjoy an occasional phone call with.

I did want to clarify that I wasn't referring to family or people we had invited to stay. I was referring to more casual friends who call us up and announce they will be in town and would like to see us. I can't imagine inviting myself to someone else's home, but it sadly happens to us quite frequently.