Our battle with Bosco's hemangiosarcoma came to an end yesterday. He had been feeling ill with a fever of 106° F over the weekend. Their normal temperature is 101° to 102.5°F. So I went to work and raided the place of every antibiotic you can think of, IV fluids, IV catheter... It NEVER occurred to me to grab the euthanasia solution! He got IV fluids through the weekend and a whole pharmacy of medications. His gums returned to a nice healthy pink rather than the ghastly white that had been. He even started to eat baby food that comes in a jar, some ice cream and played with his squeaky ball. He even got up and was walking around. :-) His improvement was apparently his "last hurrah" which I have seen numerous times in terminal patients thoughtout the years. His gums were white yesterday morning and was not breathing normally. I got him into the car by myself. (Amazing what the body can do in an emergency situation.) We took only one radiograph of his chest ... just to see ... :-( About 95% of his chest cavity was tumors. At least five were larger than the size of my fist! There was so much cancer that his heart could not be seen because of all of the tumours. Maybe some involved his heart too. There was a tiny area of his lungs one inch square that appeared cancer free. Certainly that is not enough for a 100 pound dog! I believe that his cancer also infiltrated the intestines because he had black diarrhea yesterday morning. Black is an indication of severe bleeding and the blood has been digested before exiting the body. His type of cancer stems from the cells of blood vessels and there are blood vessels everywhere. He could have had a rupture of a tumor anywhere in his body. That Bosco's gums turned white again was a sign that his tumors were bleeding. That was another painful thing for him plus it made it even harder for him to breathe. Maybe his back pain was the cancer in the spine? Everything was so nice and normal just 3 weeks ago (radiographs and blood work). We even had a check up with his oncologist in August and he was more than delighted how well Bosco was doing! But ... one needs to have at least one billion cells change before the first change is seen on a radiograph. The hemangiosarcoma is also the fastest growing cancer in a dog. :-( I could not see him suffering any more although he never complained about anything I did for him! I called my Mom and told her what was going on and she too did not want this sweet dog to be in needless pain any longer. He was on a thick soft blanket, I gave him a kiss for every family member, told him I was sorry that it came to this. He got an anesthetic through his IV catheter. He still had the one I placed on the weekend. He didn't even need to get poked again. He went to sleep and then I gave him the injection to stop his heart. The guy I work with asked if I wanted him to put Bosco down. No. I needed to perform this final act of love and mercy for our dearest Bosco. Bosco was so trusting and he let me know through the look in his sweet eyes that it was OK and he was ready to leave his pain. :-( The dose is 1cc per 10 pounds of body weight. He died after he got a dose for someone only weighing 20 pounds. I did give him the full dose but for sure he was ready to go. Bosco will be cremated and we will get his ashes back in a few days. I e mailed Mike/Ima_Celery about what was going on and again yesterday what had happened. I don't think he has had time to check his e mails yet. The Internet situation in S. America can be iffy at times. Mike will be back in early October. Daisy is looking for Bosco. Bruno the cat, Bosco's best friend, knows something bad has happened and is lying on Bosco's bed all day. None of the cats had eaten yesterday either! We got his spleen out last September and while 80% of dogs die within one to two months of diagnosis, we were lucky ... did the 12 weeks of chemo and got to have another 11 months with him! About 6 years ago Bosco fathered a litter of 7 puppies. ALL have his loving friendly personality. We were so delighted with his puppies we put some of his "representatives" into a sperm bank. Perhaps later if we find a nice female GSD, she might have some Bosco puppies and his line will endure. That is far down in the future. We need to cope, somehow, with this totally unexpected turn of events. I gave myself a mega headache from crying yesterday and today. Drugs have dulled it a bit but not totally. My sincerest thanks to Semper, Heather and Bihai for their compassion and care during this ordeal! What wonderful people they are, and the rest of you Pond people, for such concern for someone you have never even met! Time to cry some more. :-( Chickadeedeedee

I so agree with folkv- keep the memories alive. It is so hard to know what to say and when to say it. But I feel that it really important to always speak of a child's parent. I think it can truly help them make choices in life even if that parent is gone. I have always tried to mention how my BIL would have felt about a given situation with both the kids and even my sis. He hated ties and I suggested to my sis that when his kids get married the groom should not wear a tie because dad would have thought that was funny. Would tick my mom off, she never liked my BIL, and that would have made my BIL laugh even harder. Even though someone has passed I feel their spirit lives on in us and can be so useful. ajsmama- I wondered how the service would go. Your post has brought me back 12.5 years to my having to watch my sis and her kids. It was something I would not even wish on my worst enemy. Please, stay in touch with these kids as much as you can. Family is so important even if it is just a card or call here and there. You seem to have such a caring heart, please share it with them. It will help you all. And one thing that is soooo important is that we allow ourselves to grieve and be sad. Everyone goes through the stages of grief but not in the same order. One may be quiet at first and yet the other is vocal. It may seem confusing but it is just our nature of processing grief differently. So don't be surprised by the kids behaviors, keep on your toes and don't avoid speaking about K no matter how difficult it may be. She is still their mom and always will be. Things, events etc will come up and it may feel uncomfortable. The best thing is to face things straight on. And you are right about the wedding thing. I told my sis that there is just no way to "avoid" everything without ruining the day. I told her that every guest there will be feeling the same thing, they all knew her dad. Sometimes the best way to deal with the sorrow is to not do the "oh, so sad her dad isn't here to see this" but rather "her dad would be so proud of her, this day is exactly as he would have liked it to be for her". I think it really is about how you choose to deal with it and to not focus on the sad but rather the joy of the day. She will figure it out and it will be a wonderful day. Again, wishing you all as much peace as possible.

Hi, I just came to this forum when I saw your post Kevin and I am so sorry for you loss. I am new to this part of the home forum. I just wanted to say that I lost my mother 10 months ago. I have been thinking about her alot today especially and that's why I came here. She was having a series of minny strokes that finally weakened her to the point that she could not go on. She had 7 children. She was closest to my youngest brother. I had told him that week when she was in the hospital and before the doctors knew that she would not be with us much longer, that I felt she needed us to speak to her and tell her that we would be OK and that not to worry. Well on Sunday just 7 days after we brought her to the hospital they took her out of ICU to a regular room so we could stay over night with her, my baby brother was in there with her when he decided to tell her not to worry that we would be OK, well she shed and tear and just a minute later she was gone. I regret that I was not there, but I was happy that my brother was and spoke to her and reassured her. The one thing I realize as I have almost grown children myself is that you never stop worrying about your children. I think it was difficult for her to let go as for us. I am going to try to find out some info on the grieving process, it seems to come in spurts for me. With everything else going on in life kids, work, etc., lately things just seems to be a blurr. Most days are better than others. I guess it just takes time to heal and longer sometimes than others. I had lost my dad 20 years ago this June and I am 37 years old, my oldest brother is 50. We are all handling it differently. Most of my brothers, I have 5, seem to pretty tough about it, but they shouldn't feel that they have to be that way. Her 1 year anniversary is coming up and I have been thinking about that alot. Anyway hang in there and be thankful of all of the beautiful memories that you have. Bless you, Christina

Want to give an long over do update.. Hubby's last treatment (chemo & radiation) were 12/23. He was supposed to finish radiation 2 days sooner but had complications with neck burns; they had to get his pain under control. I asked the radiation oncologist for the morphine pops again; this time he gave it to us but it was a 3 day wait for it to get ordered. I'd called pharmacies in both NJ & Philly; no one stocked it, not even hospitals. He ended up using a Fentynol patch for a few days; he was only able to wear it for a few hours as the Fentynol made him sick. They are supposed to be a 24 hour patch. The pain problem was a dry neck - he couldn't have the antibiotic cream on his neck for radiation because he'd fry; which meant he had to go from the shower, we'd wrap his neck in wet gauze & baby wash cloths plus an ace bandage then he'd unwrap when we crossed the bridge. He lost over 20 pounds, which he couldn't afford to lose anything. Healing was very hard on him. He did so well at 1st but his autoimmune kicked in about 2 weeks out to where his blood counts were really low. I ended up taking him to a natural Dr where he had supplements & a vitamin C drip which seemed to work; unfortunately, he needed 2 drips per week but we couldn't fit 2 into our life (it was an all day thing with ride plus waiting for the bag to drip) plus he did not like the way the girls stuck him or pulled the IV out. His body was still sore from all the needles in Philly, he didn't need more pain. Yes, we complained... He got very depressed because he wasn't healing quick enough. I could not get his mood changed. Different antidepressants were tried but nothing worked. What ended up working was our old neighbors came up from Tennessee on Valentines day (he didn't know); so that cheered him. Then we made the decision to have the feeding tube removed. The feeding tube was a huge source of pain; his intestines always hurt; he was usually found doubled up in pain. It was thought he had gas but from what I researched it could have been spasms. Any puree's that I made, he basically shut down & wouldn't eat them, nor would he eat by mouth because he had no taste buds and no saliva. To someone that likes to eat, this is very depressing. He'd tell me that the puree would sit in his stomach & not digest. We saw the radiation nurse practitioner and I was able to speak to her alone.. she backed me up that the tube needed to come out & that he needed to be able to sink or swim. Had he not started eating, they would either feed him via nose or another feeding tube. On 2/22 we saw the ENT surgeon & lied about how much he was eating by mouth; they pulled the feeding tube out.. yes, held a towel over it and yanked & out it came. 5 months after it was put in, it was taken out & he's been doing well eating. His taste buds are better; he's not complaining about the saliva as he knows he's going to have to drink water with almost every bite just to swallow it. Most food will suck up his saliva like a sponge. We knew our health insurance was going to get canceled & it did. He was going to start physical therapy 2 weeks ago when they called to say it was denied for lack of coverage. We've been on this since December, asking for Cobra forms but they never came. Thankfully I know the rep; he told me when it was sent out & when it did not arrive the following Monday & Tuesday (last week) hubby & I made the 2 hour drive to Port Newark to do it in person. We split the driving because neither of us drive that far. The insurance cost us a pretty penny until we are approved; then they will either refund the money, if hubby gets back to work before we use up our large payment or they will deduct the lower amount from my large payment until he does work. He had a PET scan on 2/4 - we were not supposed to get the results until the following week but the nurse practitioner called us the same day because she knew how depressed he was. He told me a week or 2 before the scan that he was not fighting any more nor was he doing this again if treatment did not work; so I was a basket case as well; especially since it was right before my dad's 4 year anniversary of being gone because of cancer. Had we not had my inheritance from my dad I don't know what we would have done to survive. We were very fortunate that we did move to where we are so he had better treatment options. After making the drive to North Jersey the other day, there was no way he could get treated at my original choice, where my dad had treatment; but he was able to get treated at a very large place; which I'm not sure he would have chosen had we still lived in the old house. So, everything has worked out. The next scan will be in 5 months; so we'll see. I'm not sure when he'll be able to get back into his truck to deliver cars; but hopefully he'll be able to do the yard van to drive drivers to their cars. Hopefully physical therapy will help.