While I understand the logic you’re trying to use here, I don’t agree with it at all. Gifts from others have no bearing on gifts from your own heart. If DD1 gets divorced and remarried will you suddenly give her kids less, too, because of the acquisition of extra grandparents? You’re of course free to spend less on your step-grands if you wish, but understand that if noticed it’ll be interpreted as being because they’re not your “real” grandkids no matter how you justify it. Nobody’s feelings will be hurt if you spend the same on all.

I spend the same for each child I buy for. Does not matter if one is the tummy baby or the adopted ones. Each is equal. It would be ,playing un fair to do otherwise.

" Nobody’s feelings will be hurt if you spend the same on all. " That's a very good thought. Seems like it would be the easiest guide for you to use all the years to come. Of course, you need to don't twist yourself in knots making it come out exactly even.

Spend an equivalent amount for each grandchild; to do otherwise could be construed as unkind.

Your choice to give whatever gifts you want as you're the gift giver. And no one knows your budget constraints. So it is your right to do as you wish. However, if you're giving 2 a playstation and 2 a pair of socks, it would be noticed and lead to hard feelings...if not among the grandchildren then definitely between your children... and that's not what giving is supposed to be about. If the gifts are about equivalent then that won't happen.

If DD2 does have a child with her now fiance, would you spend differently on her bio child than her step children? Would you feel slighted if her future husband's parents spent less on your bio grand than their bio grands? Just something to think about to help you decide.

The step grandchildren aren't going to know about your logic for the gifts you give them. All they'll know is that they got less. And that's a crummy feeling for a child. Be kind and fair to all of them.

I don't think the real issue here is bio or adopted, but they are the children of a fiance, (so not even really adopted grands at this point) and the close relationship I assume you have with your own grandchildren. For me, it would matter if all the family is gathering and opening gifts together or not. I would never want to cause hurt feelings of the children of the fiance, but at this stage in the relationship, I would not feel the same about them as I would my own grandchildren.

But unless there is a way to have time alone with your grandchildren to give gifts and spare feelings, I would try to be equitable about gifts.

I find I agree most with Olychick. It's fabulous you are embracing what isn't your blood but as it was pointed out they have their own grandparents. There's no reason for you to usurp that. Why should yours get less because suddenly there's new additions? Gifting is so perfunctory these days and in the end it makes it all very meaningless. Mark the occasion with a gift commiserate with your relationship with them. Something that says you care and remembered but to play at their meaning to you what your own grandchildren, who you've known for years do, is a little stilted IMPO.

Have you tried asking your daughters their opinions on this? Maybe ask them what would be on all the children's wish lists and see what they say?

Also want to say when I was 11 and my sister 10, my mother married a well to do man with 5 kids. Christmas gift giving was after the big meal. The first year it became obvious us girls were not getting anything from their family while the steps opened numerous gifts. My mom told us we really were suppose to be in the dining room/kitchen cleaning up so dessert could be served. When we said we were mad later in the evening our step-father reminded us we should be grateful we had a roof over our head and food on the table.

My question is if you will all be together opening presents? If not, any thought out gift should be appreciated. It’s an extra gift added to the pile and it shows you care.

Of course if all the children are together, as Annie points out, there shouldn’t be a large discrepancy on your part.

That said, I'm wondering if an 8-12 year old child would expect an elaborate gift from someone they are just getting to know?

Lots to think about, especially if you have a limited budget.

Wow, I have read each and every one of your comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and lot of wisdom. You each, have brought up valid points.

I spoke to eldest daughter, (with bio kids), she reminded me, that step grands are with their bio mom most of xmas day. Gift giving occurs in early morning, hence they will not be around during that time.

Nonetheless, my nature is to treat them as equal.

My sisters son became engaged to a wonderful young woman with a little girl same age as his. Beginning with that first Christmas when they were not yet married, I've bought equally for both girls for all occasions. Sitting to the side while presents were being opened and not being included equally wasn't acceptable to me then - and it isn't now. A little younger than the children you've described but I'm not sure that matters. You don't know yet what joy they may bring to your lives, but unless there are budget restrictions I'd certainly want to get started on the same foot - it won't hurt your relationship with the fiance either, a generous way to say accepted and welcome (fingers crossed that's the case). If your DD has moved in with him and his kids, hopefully this is something that will be lasting and they will become a family unit, part of yours.

Yes, treat them equally. Have a big, loving heart towards all children you are gifting. I’m glad you asked here and have an open mind to comments.

@rob333 (zone 7b) Valid point re “step grands did not do anything”…Any thoughts re wrong doing on anyone’s part, did not cross my mind. Its a matter of being fair, yet, the bio grands have been a oart of my life since they were born. Step grands, only in the last year, we are still getting to know each other.

@foodonastump ”DD1 gets divorced and remarried will you suddenly give her kids less, too, because of the acquisition of extra grandparents?” Interesting question..is answer probably not.

@greenshoekitty All kids to be treated equally, yes, I agree.

@Annie Deighnaugh Love your playstation analogy! The difference between gifts would not be to that extent. Your questions are definite food for thought. Daughter with Bio kids feels there ought to be a difference, given the other kids have xtra set of grandparents. As such, It would not bother me if grands got less from step family members (if that should ever be the case).

@olychic ”But unless there is a way to have time alone with your grandchildren ” That is exactly the case, as non-bio kids will be with their mother during our gift opening. You are very perceptive and are correct. This is a new relationship and new family in the last year. Probably formed too fast…and a story for another day. We will see what the future holds.

webuser 121735116 Thank you for sharing, a very personal and what must have been a painful experience. I am so sorry you went through this.

@eld6161 ”That said, I'm wondering if an 8-12 year old child would expect an elaborate gift from someone they are just getting to know”. Valid point, my guess is, and as far as I can tell by how they are raised, is they would not expect the same. They would be appreciate of anything they are given. They are great kids and are going to be awesome adults.

spend the same on each and every one! believe me, they know the difference!!!! if you don't, then they, the stepchildren, will look and act differently toward you!!! trust me on this!!

its not worth the hurt and angry feelings you will get from the kids and father. look at as relationship building :)

When my cousins come for xmas dinner, their son (early teens) brought his girlfriend with him...I gave nice gifts to them both even though I'd never met her before and had no idea of what was going on in her family.

@Annie Deighnaugh "If DD2 does have a child with her now fiance, would you spend differently on her bio child than her step children? Would you feel slighted if her future husband's parents spent less on your bio grand than their bio grands?" Wouldn't a future child of the fiance and DD2 also be the bio grandchild of his parents?

Daughter with Bio kids feels there ought to be a difference, given the other kids have xtra set of grandparents.

Of course she does. *rolling my eyes* Why are you asking her instead of the daughter who will soon be the second mother to your new grandkids? I don't see why DD1 should have any say in the matter, and I wouldn't involve her and risk creating even more hard feelings if you don't give equally.

They are children now but you will have a life-long relationship with them. Hopefully you will soon feel as much love for them as you do for your bio grandkids. Don't let money get you off on the wrong foot.

Awhile back, I was talking to my husbands nephew, now a 35 year old adult. He doesn't remember any of the cool gifts I gave him from his childhood. Soooooooooooooooo......this is more about the parents views of what your spending.

But….Nicole, while he might not remember the gifts, he most likely remembers the feelings behind them.

eld....His mother couldn't believe how AWESOME the mini-remote control Porsche and the 4x4 Bronco was. (I gave him 2 remote control cars, they owned a Bronco @ the time) She said I shouldn't have spent soooooooooooooo much. I said he could race them against each other and share with a friend, play together with someone. Mom was impressed and the kiddo was in heaven! If the mom had thought It was a cheap inconsiderate gift... the kiddo might not have accepted the cars. (the kiddo doesn't remember the cars)

Are the other set of grandparents buying equally?

Yes you're right olychick...my bad...blame it on a virus and lack of sleep!

I guess...however it works out...how would she feel if her bio grand was treated as a lesser because s/he was a step grand to someone else...

It's funny, but when it comes to spending on gifts, my parents were so careful to make it even steven between my bro and me as he was *always* comparing who got more, who got less, who had more chores, who got to go to bed when, etc. But DH had no siblings so his attitude is get what they want, don't worry about making it all evenly priced.

My brother is married to his second wife. She treats her biological granddaughter (and her own children) very differently from my brothers grandchildren. The kids aren't quite old enough to notice but the parents sure do. It isn't just at Christmas but year round as well.

I just think that Christmas is not a time to be splitting hairs on something like this. Yes, the kids may have 3 sets of grandparents but I don't think that should be a factor in your decision. You need to forge your own relationship with your daughters step-children (gosh I hate that word - it can be so divisive in families) not just at Christmas but throughout the year.

Give all children the same value for Christmas, and if you want to do something extra for your bio g'kids, then give some cash to their college funds, but not at Christmas. Then when DD2 marries, you can do the same for her stepkids.

As soon as my son brought two bonus grandchildren into his house to go with our three blood grandchildren, we gave exactly the same gifts. Birthday and Christmas. I actually did not care WHAT the other sides gave, By the time they appeared, we were giving money anyway and we just gave the same for all.

They hug us now just like the first three, They are children, (even if they are teens now), and have already been uprooted by divorce, why should they be made to feel somewhat less.

Turning step children into second class citizens under the pretense you are calculating the value of their total haul of gifts based in their family tree is complicated math which shows how you value step children much more than how you account for gifts. You are not fooling anyone, especially not the step or bio children.

How we spend our money is one of the clearest measures of what we value.

…which shows how you value step children much more than how you account for gifts. You are not fooling anyone, especially not the step or bio children.

A little aggressive towards someone who’s already been swayed to treat them equally, don’t you think? She obviously asked the question because she wasn’t sure, and was open to the responses. In case you missed it…

Nonetheless, my nature is to treat them as equal.

If we’re being honest here, the relationship between grandmother and grandkids is vastly different, and expectedly so, with those who’ve known her all their lives and those who are the product of this brief and quick relationship. To pretend differently isn’t fooling anyone, either. That said, I still think that now is the time for grandma to show everyone she’s opening her heart to the new additions. It’s not about buying love so much making them feel welcome in the family.

How we spend our money is one of the clearest measures of what we value.

I disagree. I spend a LOT of money on material things when I can't find a better sale. :0) I buy a LOT of stuff! It's not always about how much money we spend....but getting what we value for our money.

I answered before reading replies.

" How we spend our money is one of the clearest measures of what we value. "

I'd amend this phrase to add "what we do and (then) how we spend ............) . This should be hanging on the wall of everyone who may need a periodic reminder of what their footprints are among those in their community, family, and friends.

These really aren't even step grandchildren yet. As likestonehomes states, it's a newish relationship, with a perhaps too hasty living together arrangement. We don't even know how often the kids are with dad, let alone how much time they've spent with the OP.

Think, too, of her real grandkids. Most grandkids (esp if there are just one or two) feel like they are special to their grandparents. Now these two new kids show up and suddenly are treated exactly the same, even tho they are barely known? I would think the grandchildren might feel slighted or at least that they must NOT be special to their grandparents if these almost strangers are suddenly on the same footing. That doesn't mean to be deliberately unkind or unthoughtful to the new kids, but until they really are a part of the family and some permanent relationship is established, I think ways to assure the grandkids their relationship with the grandparents is special and not available at the drop of a hat. These would be step-cousins if they remain in the family, so who knows how it will all shake out.

Similarly, my son was adopted at birth to a family that went on to adopt a dozen kids over a period of 40 years. Many foster kids along the way, too. His mother was a very sweet woman and kind to children. But his adoptive sister once told me that because the mom opened her arms to virtually anyone, no one felt like they were really a part of a cohesive family. It was always in flux, no one felt special or loved more than the kid next door. I think being aware of the feelings of the existing grandchildren, when this 'engagement' and the children that come with it are new, is a good thing.

webuser -- I am appalled by what both your mother and her new husband said. I hope the future for you and your sister turned out better than that..

My two cents-worth re: the OP -- Children are children. Finances being considered, treat them as equally as you are able. Your grandchildren are certainly aware of how much you love them, but a huge difference between their gifts and the non-biological ones might be hurtful.

Extra grandparents + more gifts? Nutz to that. Some of my grands have other grandparents, some do not. It does NOT come into play regarding MY gift giving.

For many years, we "adopted" what we called our Christmas child(ren), from local struggling families. There were almost always siblings, and we always gave gifts to the other children as well as our special child. Toys, games, warm clothing... and a small something for the mom, as well (usually candy). All anonymous, of course, and we loved going to Ocean State Job Lots, where money went further, and filling a couple of carts. Wrapping it all was a joy, thinking of those children's delight on Christmas morning. Best type of Christmas spirit!!

I guess I should clarify that the bonus grandkids, and their mother moved in , a year or so before my son and her married. It did not matter. They were children and we thought of them the same. It did not mean we loved our blood grandchildren less, it just meant we had two more.

All children treated equally!!!

Annie's comparison between a playstation and a pair of socks inspires me to say...

...underwear for all!

Isn't that a theme in the movie where a boy gets his tongue stuck on an icy pole?

I'm shocked and hugely disappointed that it could be even remotely possible that anyone would ever consider much less act on such a wrong-headed notion.

What positive footprint are you trying to leave on this community, by shaming someone who came here seeking advice?

I'm not shaming anyone, I was wondering aloud how anyone could not immediately realize the huge mistake taking such an action would be. And how one could have thoughts leading to it.

My footprint is consistent. No one who knows me- family, friends, or co-workers, has ever doubted the veracity (to the best of my knowledge and beliefs) and sincerely of anything I say. I make nothing up. I don't inflate or misrepresent the bona fides of anything I mention. The technique of doing so is always open to refining and adjustment. Don't confuse the form/style with the substance. The substance is what leaves the footprint.

Hmmmm. Well, my first instinct is to say to absolutely spend the same on all the children, given their ages. BUT, then I look to my own life. Sometimes, my siblings got presents and I didn't. From their godparents or friends etc. They were all older than me so their gifts were bigger, more expensive, etc. That's life. I wasn't scarred for life over it. Sometimes a mild pout, as children do, but my parents were very consistent with the idea and teaching that its OK for someone else to be more special to someone than others, for whatever reason. There is no situation where love is equal across all. And that is TRUE. Also, with my oldest brothers LATEST wife, came 5 adult children and her children have 6 children among them. They are all young. No one expects us to treat them the same as the rest of our family. They are not. Period. They are my brothers family, not mine. They are DIFFERENT from my niece, who is adopted. SHE is family, the same as my other nieces and nephews. I do think those children OP are buying for are old enough to understand the difference and appreciate the reason, and if they are being raised correctly, grateful for a gift of any kind from someone who really owes them nothing. However, I would be careful not to have a huge and obvious difference between the gifts. Even if the children do not notice or care (they are not likely to google and compare the prices of gifts they get) this sort of thing can cause rifts in relationships of one party is pushy and expects the impossible. If you are really concerned about it, talk to the parent(s) and just tell them what your plans are and ask if it would be an issue. Honestly, if the adults involved are the type to keep score about children's presents, you likely will never do anything good enough. This is a tricky issue, and I commend you for being sensitive about it.

I'm going to weigh in again.

I really can't stand when one child gets a much larger present than the other, whether in person or not. It shows up later on. Whether you see it online, or they play with it later, or someone sublimates what they feel... Please don't ever treat any child that they are more important than another. And I'm the biological child. They know, they always know. And don't pretend if you give it to me in person it doesn't matter. Also, attitudes matter. It doesn't matter if you've known them for 20 years or 2 seconds. Children deserve to be loved because they are a part of your life. It's not right to favor one over another. Ever. If you want to justify your heart, you justify it, but your child sees it, adopted, marriage into the family, or biological. No one deserves to be snubbed in any way. For any reason.

If it makes you feel better, go ahead and do it. If you need to be patted on your head, that's your problem. It's never any child, or grandchild, or stepchild, or adopted child's problem

These children are NOT her grandchildren at this point and they are unlikely to have any expectation that they be treated exactly like her grandchildren. They have their own grandparents. These are not orphans with no one loving them or treating them special. IF they continue to be a part of this family, it's clear that the op is not going to be unkind or uncaring. But being discrete, having a celebration separately with her own grandchildren pretty much solves any issues right now of disparate treatment. It's unlikely the children (if they even play together, ever) are not going to be bragging that they got better presents or even which presents came from their grandparents.

Oly, in fairness the children were introduced as ”grand children” in the OP, though it was later clarified.

In thinking further about this topic, I could see situations where the soon to be steps (stbs’s) might receive less. There are many things we don’t know at this point. For example, what is the custody agreement, and how well does DD even know the kids at this point? How much has OP even met them? What does OP’s gift giving even look like? If she gives a small, thoughtful gift to her bio’s like my mom does, then it would be easier to add two more kids to the mix. If she showers them with gifts as my inlaws do, then it would seem excessive if not downright weird to do the same for the stbs’s in the event she barely knows them. Personally I don’t think any child should expect gifts from anyone other than their parents, and anything beyond that should be appreciated as thoughtful regardless of the value. Never too young to learn that. In the end, relationships are built on love and kindness, not gifts.

With all that said, I stand by my original post and say that the original reasoning given for giving the stbs’s less - because they have extra grandparents - is flawed. And I stand by saying that treating the stbs’s equally now shows everyone that this new slice of family is welcomed with open arms.

Wow, I didnt expect this thread to take off the way it has as well as eliciting a dearth of passion. Some of you have shared very personal experiences, I thank you for so doing. The wisdom of thought expressed through this community is amazing, thank you so much.

@olychick, you nailed it! DD is living C/l and I told her they better make sure this is ’forever’ as much as possible. Kids cannot experience another breakup, further this would severel,y impact us as well. We are growing attached to this new family addition.

@foodonastump to answer a few of your questions. The custody is 50/50, DD is very lucky as the kids have accepted her openly. in fact they all met while being involved in Karate classes. (He with his kids and her alone). So So, they did know each other before dating.

The kids will not be together during gift opening this year. Bios are heading to florida to be with their other grandparents. Where, No doubt they will be inundated with gifts. As such, will most likely forget what as given up here, lol.

Nonetheless, step GD wants to go Boxing day shopping. Who doesn’t, not me! Cant handle the crowds. So money, she gets. The little boy, I will figure out eventually, fishing tackle perhaps? Never bought for a little boy!

They will all get 10.00 starbucks gift cards and the parents get 25.00. Off to starbucks they go! All adults and kids will also get other items of equal value.

Err on the side of generosity.

Step grands, only in the last year, we are still getting to know each other.

Exactly. In cases like yours, I would hope the fiancé's children will learn that you are accepting, loving, and generous. I suspect they are already seeing that!

@cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA) Awe, thank you, I sure hope so..! :)

This isn’t about stepchildren, but my in laws always put envelopes with money on the Christmas tree for the blood relatives (children and grandchildren). I have been married to my husband for over 30 years, and never had one hanging on there. Neither does my sister in law. Now that I have a son in law, we welcomed him to the club of outlaws :) Doesn’t bother me, but I think it’s weird.