Post Partum Depression Because of Step-Grandmother?

9 years ago

I have a 5 year old boy and a 4 month old girl. I was not married when I had my son and his father and I were not together when he was born. My son and I both went through a very hard time with a custody battle ending with his father only having a small amount of visitation. Now his father's parents are the only ones who care enough to see him and that is only when it is convenient for them.

I met the man of my dreams and got married a little over 2 years ago. My son loves him and now calls him daddy. I had a few issues with my husband's mother but nothing that engulfed me the way things are now. Everything was good, for the most part, until my daughter was born. I had no idea that my life would be turned upside down.

It sounds so bad for me to say this but the way my husband's parent's (they are divorced) act about my daughter makes me sick. I get extremely angry when I see them oooing and ahhing over her. They have never really cared to see my son on a regular basis and spend one on one time with him as much but now they are wanting to with her. I get it, that's their biological grandchild, but my goodness! My son has been through so much and really has only one set of grandparents who truly want to get to know him, spend time with him, etc.(my parents) I want them to be like that with him.

They tell her she is the sweetest thing ever, precious, beautiful, perfect, and I can't stand it....and that is my own child! My mind is constantly worrying about my son. Is he getting enough attention, did they spend more on her, did they come to his sporting events, do they ask about him on the phone, did he get any one on one time with them. It has gotten so bad that I resent my daughter and anytime we are around my husband's parents I feel sick to my stomach. I don't let it show but I am so angry and worried inside

I feel like my mother in law is the cause of my depression. She can be pushy at times or do or say things that just make my blood boil. In the hospital I said that my daughter was so cute and she looked at me saying "Cute?? You mean she is beautiful!!" She has also growled, yes GROWLED at me before when I wouldn't let her hold her when she was asleep. I have told my husband things in the past but he usually gets defensive. Just a few weeks ago she would not spend much time with my son at a festival when she was SUPPOSED to stay with him the whole time while I had the baby. Once she held my daughter she never gave her back even when I said I would take her with my arms out. She just turned and walked away. She had her for several hours. My husband saw the look on my face and knew I was mad. I didn't tell him for a couple of days what was bothering me because it usually does no good. He told me to just tell him and he wouldn't get defensive, he would just listen. I told him that story and then just burst into tears telling him everything else on my heart about the situation.

I would never hurt her but I have thought about what my life would have been like if I never got pregnant with her, or married. Maybe I should have just stayed a single mom living with my parents and son. I also feel like I have to make my daughter sound like she is not the best baby in the world because my husband's mom goes crazy if she sleeps through the night or doesn't cry much during the day. "Oh she's just doing so good! She's just the best baby! She's so sweet! You are so blessed to have such a good baby! She couldn't be any better!" All of that plain out makes me sick. I can't stand her. I never want to be around my mother in law anymore because my anger and anxiety levels soar sky high. I just want my son to feel just as loved and get just as much attention as my daughter.

My husband has even gotten "funny" about things too. He always used to get onto me about keeping my son's school work, old toys, clothes, but NOW he wants to keep every hair that sheds from my daughter's head. That is an exaggeration but still.

My husband did, however, talk to his mom about some things that bothered me and now she's spending a little more time with him. She has been taking him to target or to go get new shoes. It's like she's trying to buy his love. I also feel like everything is fake now. Like their time spent together only happens because I said something to my husband and he said something to her. This has happened before and it is only a temporary fix.

Anyone else in a step family situation similar to this? How do I deal with this because it bothers me and is constantly on my mind. So sorry for how long this is. I could have written a chapter book if I added everything

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Comments (15)

sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm so sorry.

This really does sound like post-partum depression;
it's a *medical* condition & you can fix it with medication.

Your doctor can help you, & the sooner you get some support, both from doctor *& from husband*, the better.

Your mother-in-law, on the other hand, sounds downright frightening;
she isn't the cause of your depression, but she'a making it worse; she's undermining you, & you & your husband *must* control her access to the baby & her behavior when she's around.

These things do not get better; they get worse:
I once worked with a young mother, call her Gayle, whose mom taught Gayle's son to call his mother "Gayle"; he called Gayle's mom "Mama". & Gayle's mom refused to acknowledge that this was abnormal. She said Gayle was just too sensitive.

It'll get worse.

Your mil has crossed a number of boundaries already, but the one that just floors me is when you wanted your baby back & she turned around & walked away with the baby.

No way in h#!! is this is normal behavior, & it certainly isn't acceptable.

Alpha/dominant/control freak/narcissistic females "own" everything & everybody:
if this woman coud take your baby & your husband, she would do it.

You can't treat control freaks like reasonable human beings, because they're not interested in harmony or equal relationships or reasonableness.

They're interested in power, & they control their families completely.

One thing that makes it hard for their children to escape is the fact that they've grown up with this behavior & don't see the craziness of it...
& this is his *mother*.

Another problem is that husbands often tend to believe anybody & everybody before they'll believe their wives, so an independent third party telling him that baby-snatching is in no way normal would be helpful.

Maybe you can discuss this with your doctor & get her/him to talk to your husband.

You & hubs must get on to the same page, not only to solidify your family (you're the mother of 2 young children who need strong, united parents, & you need a supportive, loving husband) but to present a solid front & limit mil's access & set guidelines for her behavior.

Enforcement is important here:
you'll have to be alert for any controlling behavior & nip it in the bud; you must keep a tight leash on mil's behavior, because she'll constantly be trying the limits.

Sometimes I think of people in terms of dogs.
sounds weird the first time you think of it, but I've found it helpful.
People who are Labrador Retrievers are loving & affectionate & want everybody to be happy.

People who are like German Shepherds or Huskies want to be first, to take the best chunks of food, to get the best spot in the den; they want the other pack members to be submissive & a little afraid of them. They want the other pack members to have to wait for permission to eat. or anything else.

& alpha females are the only members of a dog or wolf pack who are permitted to have puppies.

If they want yours, they'll take it/them.

The only way to put a stop to it is to establish your family as your own "pack", not hers, & to enforce your rules.

I wish you the best.
emma
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The best advice I can give is to redirect your thoughts, don't dwell on her. It sounds as if she is trying now that her son has talked to her. Smile and be friendly to her and thank her for taking your son shopping. Children respond very well to being bought...LOL Maybe she doesn't know how to do it any other way. And please don't take it out on your daughter, if you do you will have heart breaking problems down the road. She is just a child so love her and don't place the blame on her. I have loved all the children I have met and would give my life for any of them. They are precious and need to be loved.

One other thought. I think your feelings for your daughter puts you in the same category as your MIL.
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sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Emma, I don't recall ever having read a less helpful, more destructive piece of...advice.

This young mother has a lot on her plate & came here & spilled her guts & her heart, & your comments, in a nutshell, suggest that she might mistreat her baby & accuse her of being the same as the person who's giving her grief???

uh.
Where's the help in that?

OP, please ignore any ugly or unhelpful comments.

People just don't know.

Negative emotions, especially toward a new baby, are part of the *symptoms* of post-partum depression, & your mil's poaching behavior toward your daughter is absolutely not the same as a mother wanting to care for her baby.

Just *take care of yourself*,
take care of your children, &
get your doctor & your husband to help you.
eandhl
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree talking to your Physician, hormones can cause post partum problems.
Also you said MIL is trying little things but you are afraid they are temporary. I hope each little thing she does for or with your son you tell her how much it means to you that your son is being treated equal to his little sister.
catlettuce
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm with Sylvia here.

I suggest you and your DH go to a marriage counselor specializing in blended families and you and your DH need to rein in the MIL.

I think Sylvia's assessment of her is spot on.

Also, see you physician and talk about some sort of treatment for your depression, you may or may not need medication temporarily.

I suspect of you get your MIL under control you will have a lot less depression. I would insist your DH back you each and every time your MIL does something inappropriate and address it.

~Cat
exit82
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I had to read this several times just to make sure I was understanding your issue- you better sit down for this because you are not going to like my reply- I think you are expecting WAY to much from your in-laws. You do realize that your son is no relation at all to them-of course they're going to favor their grand child- who wouldn't? You are setting yourself up for such heartache in the future if you don't come to grips with this. Put yourself in their position- who would you favor- your grandchild from your son- or the random kids his future wife brings into the marriage from random baby daddies-you are incredibly lucky that they pay him the attention they do . Your handling of this situation is going to jeopardize your marriage- then you will be back here posting that your husband doesn't want to take your son when he picks his daughter up for his visitation-

This post was edited by exit82 on Wed, Dec 3, 14 at 9:17
azmom
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
To be honest, nothing your in laws and husband have done is abnormal especially for being first time grand parents and father.

My own in laws behaved even more silly when each time we had a new baby. I loved to watch how much they enjoyed our babies, and sincerely appreciated the love they had toward my children. My in laws passed away a few years ago, but the positive impact from the love and attention they showered on my children would last forever.

Yet your reaction to the love and attention your in laws and your husband giving to your new born baby daughter sounds pretty disturbing as you said" makes me sick... I get extremely angry...I was mad... I resent my daughter... They tell her she is the sweetest thing ever, precious, beautiful, perfect, and I can't stand it....". You even imagined if you never got pregnant with your daughter.

Your mother in law is pretty generous to your son. You complain that your mother in law does not pay attention to your son, but when she did you accused her for trying to buy your son's love.

You complained about your in laws favor your daughter which actually is understandable, yet yourself play favoritism between your own blood children.

Your in laws should not be too bad. Did not they raise a fine man who becomes your dream husband, have you ever thanked them for that?

You really need to get medical attention to find out what is going on with yourself.
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
OP, please take whatever advice/insight that you find helpful, & disregard the rest.

Take care.
princessa1984
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yup your MIL sounds about right… right up there with mine lol.

not much help but I hope this story can make you feel better since mine is a bit sadder.

I have a 21 year old step daughter and my husband ( her dad) and I have a 4 year old son. Both are bio grandchildren . The only two grand children. My MIL visibly favours the stepdaughter so much that every one in the family notices. Heres a bit of background. Hopefully you can relate and maybe feel better?

SD is to put it nicely, a twit. Drug addicted , spoiled brat, always had her way and not homeless only because she is in jail for welfare fraud and credit card fraud. MIL has always praised her and bought her whatever she wanted. still does.

BIo son is at 4 years old already in grade 1 ( he skipped kindergarten after being labelled gifted) is well behaved , polite and doesn't really ask for much other than lots of attention like a 4 year old usually does :) My MIL picks on him, calls him a nerd, doesnt buy him anything for xmas or birthdays, doesn't call him, and is just generally very mean to him when she does see him at holidays. It so bad that I had to tell my 4 year old that jail is not a good thing. He thought it was because MIL still praises the SD so much.

Hopefully your MIL isn't as wicked. After all of this my advice is to just not take it personally and limit the time she has with her grandkids. Trust me it will be much less stressful in the end :)
cheers!
jewelisfabulous
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Princessa1984 -- where is your husband when your MIL treats his son so terribly?
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
husband, heck!

Where is your son's *mother* (that would be *you*) when this witch is calling him a nerd & being mean???
princessa1984
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
@ sylviatexas I'm right there beside him, telling my MIL to shut her fat cow redneck mouth up. Hence why I not liked in the family.

@jewel654 my husband obviously sticks up for our son and does tell his mother to stop, then is accused of favouring his son by the family. This is how screwed up towards my step daughter the family is. They feel so bad for her for some reason it's like a sickness.
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
'I'm right there beside him, telling my MIL to shut her fat cow redneck mouth up. Hence why I not liked in the family.'

cool!

although it would be better if your little nuclear family were totally isolated from this woman;
she never will change, & every interaction injects a little poison.

The family 'feeling so bad' for the mother/grandmother sounds like she has them all convinced that she's a saint or martyr.

I used to think this kind of thing was rare & incredible, but these days...
it seems like it's just garden-variety mind control & it happens all the time.
princessa1984
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks @sylviatexas! :) however it is the stepdaughter they all "feel bad for". That's why anything negative toward my son is encouraged by them. My stepdaughter was always handed everything on a silver plate. I always discouraged this since spoiling children never does any good and I was looked at as an evil stepmom. Now she is a coke head in jail while my son who has never gotten anything from them thrives (so far) and they don't like that.
tete_a_tete
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I just want to say that I love your answers, sylviatexas.

CarolinaMom36, I hope things are improving. I GOL (gasped out loud) when I read that your MIL ignored your request for your baby and then walked away.

Post Partum Depression Because of Step-Grandmother?

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