Well, I'll go ahead and offer my two cents (okay, more like 100 cents).

You are me, two years ago... Except that I decided not to live with my husband before we got married for a couple of different reasons. One, I didn't think it was morally correct to do so, since he had a son. Two, I simply wasn't ready for all of the changes. I wanted to ease into the step-mom role (and I'm still doing just that).

Other than that, its pretty much the same as you describe. It actually sounds like your situation is coming along pretty well. I don't know how long you've been together, but if its this good so far, I think you might be able to pull it off (with minimal damages...we hope)... You have the support of the kids mom, which is fantastic. Just yesterday, my step son's mom and I spoke on the phone (first real conversation with each other) and she told me the same thing. That her son loves me, and therefore, she likes me as well. She intends to honor our relationship (even wants a picture of me, DH and SS for her house)! I just about fell over, I was so happy to hear it (BTW, she is also a very lazy mom with severe maturity problems, so its not all peaches and cream there are issues, but... this is a big step)! ANyhow, that's a big bonus for you too. Second, you have the support of your SO. That is crucial. My DH and I are a united front when it comes to disciplining his son. 99% of the time, I can rest assured that if SS asks me if he can do something and I say "no", then he goes and asks his Dad the same question (looking for a different answer, like kids do), Dad will also say no. We are like one parent, and it makes things sooo much easier. In addition, I make sure my SS respects his Dad and vice versa.

After developing the relationship gradually over two years, the problems we encounter in the home are few, and more in the 'normal' range when they do occur. ALso, like you, I tend to get a little anxious (still) when SS visits. I also used to get anxious when my DH would drive SS home to mom's too, because I had know idea what she'd come up with next (she loves to change the schedule around, take vaccations, etc.. and just expects us to take care of our son at a moments notice, and my DH would NEVER tell her no.... that is one of those 'issues' I mentioned earlier). But, that's getting better too. I find myself feeling 'sick' quite often when SS is here and taking naps frequently. I think it's because it is a very emotionally charged and stressful time for a new step mom. You are trying to do everything 'right' in the eyes of the child as well as your own, you are trying to be an instant mom, and you are hoping/expecting kids to like you, etc.... all of this stuff, plus more... very very stressful at first.

My best advice to you is to EEEEeeeaasssse into the relationship from all aspects. You've already moved in with SO, so that will make it more difficult, but still... make sure you don't do too much, too fast. Find time to detach from the situation whenever necessary. YOu also said the major stuff falls on your shoulders, so that is hard... but I find that letting my DH take care of some of the major disciplining stuff during SS's visits, while I pull more weight around the house, yard, etc and still participate in the fun stuff, works brilliantly and takes my mind off trying to make things 'perfect' all the time with SS. A good example happened today: Little Johnnie is out in the garden picking up Dad's big shovel and beating the shrubs with it... I see this from the window, then tell DH "Please go deal with that"... then its out of my hands. I don't do this all of the time (some things need immediate attention and I can't avoid being the disciplinarian if I'm on the scene). But, I do it when I feel like I've been 'too much' in the discipline sector. You can find many opportunities to do this. If you see you future-step children's mess laying around, grab your SO and say "could you deal with it this time, I just told them to pick it up 15 minutes ago" That also gives him a chance to back you up too and he can say to the kids "HEY, Sally just told you to pick those up, didn't you hear her? Now do it!" Trust me, share these duties when you can, it works.

Yes, becoming a step mom is a very very scary thing. I believe that you have to be a brave and caring person to conscientiously make the decision to be a step mom (and it SHOULD be well thought out for the sake of those children!!). I came to this forum when I first started seeing DH because I needed to know what I was getting into. Also, I read a book that is full of PRICELESS advice!! READ IT... its called "The Courage to Be a Step Mom". Susan Theole (or something like Theole). You can find it on amazon easily by looking up the title. If you don't order it, I swear, I'll order it for you :)

As far as people scaring you with their stories... Most likely, it won't be that bad for you, but sometimes for all of us it gets ugly. Very ugly. If you think you get 'tired' and 'sick' now, just wait until you have to anticipate a court date for some issue that arises, or even just have to pay a lawyer's fee!!! I mentioned that my SS's mom takes a good attitude toward my relationship with her son? Well, that's really nice, but it doesn't stop her from doing nasty things on the side! When DH and her got in an argument over her whimsical 'vaccations' and how she breaches the visitation schedule all of the time a few months ago, she threw a fit! She called several times to trash talk my husband about being a good father, withheld visitation periodically, and she put in a request to the Friend of the Court to have child support increased simply because "she was pissed off". It will be nearly 800 dollars a month soon! Ridiculous! She also swears, drinks, smokes, is a convicted felon, a former drug adict, has an abusive live-in boyfriend, no job, lives off unemployment and child support, and teaches her son awful habits. See? Its not all pretty. You can imagine the problems that occur and will occur in the future. But YOU are in control of the situation even though it will frequently feel as though you are not. I had a hard time in the beginning, but have finally decided not let these things affect me or our marriage as much as I can. Most of the problems our HERS, not ours. Remember that. Don't let any of the issues, as they come up, tear you or your family apart. Don't waste your energy over bio'mom's OR step-kids frustrations. Make your life good and make your family work by following what's in your heart and what you know is right. How can you fail if you do these things. Your step kids may act like they hate you sometimes... so what? Let them. Bio kids act like they hate their bio-parents too.. that's a normal kid thing! Just wait until they are grown up and they look back and remember all that you did for them. The time you spent in the park, long walks, getting ice cream, laughing, showing them new things, caring for them, even disciplining them... I like to believe, at any rate, that it will be rewarding. I know many people who LOVE their step parents. I also know of many succesful step families. But, they all have horror stories to tell too. But, to put it in perspective... I came from a wonderful, even 'ideal'family. One older sister, two parents who have been blissfully married for 36 years, two cats and a dog. We all turned out great, a very happy, loving family in the end... But I bet I could top most of those horror stories with stuff that happened in the past with our 'normal' family! Seriously... the hardest part is not being a 'step-mom', its just trying to make the family work, period. There is no such thing as normal when you are talking about a family.

That's my two cents! I wish you the best. READ that book, I've read it twice. It made me feel great!
Also, someone recommended a web site called 'The Second Wives Club' that is really really helpful. Lot's of good articles, support groups, etc..

One more thing... I posted a message here similar to this one over a year ago.. Some of the comments were very discouraging. Someone told me to RUN, not walk away from this man and his son. Please, don't let that discourage you if those comments come up. Remember, everyone has different degrees of ugliness in their situation and some people are so bitter, its pathetic. Even with the bad things that have happened, I have never regreted marrying DH and having SS in my life. I love my husband and I'm beginning to love his son and vice versa. They both bring many joys to my life. Having more people to love and who love you back (even if they don't show it cause they're typical kids) is the most important thing you can have in life. A stepfamily is a golden opportunity. Those children could end up being your best friends. THey could take care of you when you are old. They could hug you or kiss you periodically :) They may LOVE and bond with their half-siblings and play an important role in their lives. They may have babies that will be your grand-babies to love too. They will give you a hundred thousand wonderful memories you would never have had if you weren't their step mom. And most of all, you will improve their lives by being the person you are (someone who is obviously concerned about making things work!).

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! And yes.. as soon as I post this I'm ordering that book! You are right about a lot of things. Some of the things I pulled as a kid could top a lot of the stories on this site and I had no step parents. The ex stuff... yes, it gets on my nerves too. She is much better now since she is involved with a man, but before she was AWEFUL... holding the kids ransom so SO would pay her cc bills, changing schedules... or even worse, saying she would do something and two days before our planned trip say "something came up" and she couldn't trade weekends. It was THAT that I thought I couldn't take.. the endless aggravation and arguments from the ex. But she never calls the house and pretty much lives her own life (mostly funded by my SO right now). I haven't met her yet but I'm sure I will.
I found my self trying WAY too hard in the beginning for them to like me... so I had to cut that out fast, it was too stressful. SO and I are also a united front when it comes to discipline. It seems that I am doing ok so far... I do many of the things you mentioned. There are times when they are here that I'll just go into the bedroom and watch a movie by myself, sometimes I just need a little "quiet time". When I said "the major stuff falls on my shoulders", I was referring to housework, not discipline. I have started teaching (training) his daughter (9) to do her own laundry on Sundays. SO and I both work full time so I think I'm going to hire someone to come in and do the heavy cleaning.
I am very much in love with my SO. After one very sad lonely marriage (I'm divorced)I have finally found my soulmate. I can't deny that I wish we had met a long time ago and these children were "ours", but this is what we have to work with. Maybe oneday they'll have a baby sister/brother (girl has already mentioned her desire for a baby sister... lol!!!).
SO just left with daughter to drop her off at her grandma and grandpa's for a week. We (daughter and I) spent the morning packing her things, I painted her toenails to match her shirt, blow dried her hair ... you know, girl stuff. These are the moments I really like. I stayed back with son who has a cold.
There are some days when I say to myself "What have I gotten myself into"... and there are others where I think... "This is kinda nice actually!", but I guess that's normal. I don't want any one to think I'm in some kind of "Fairy tale" step family... there are days where I tell SO to handle the "maniac children" (that's what I call them when they are "out of control"... not in a mean way though) and I go shopping.
Thanks again, Kelo... now I'm gonna go order that book!

Another book recommendation is "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk." It is not a step-parenting book, just about communicating with kids & discipline, but it is really good. I bought a copy on Amazon.com used for like 75 cents.

You sound like you are going to do a great job. I am not a parent, I am a step-daughter, but I bet that when you have your own children you will STILL be thinking "what have I gotten myself into..." I think everyone who deals with children has that thought periodically.

If you really care for the children - why would you give them such a bad example by being a shack up? I guess I must be the prude of the show here ... but I think adults can do anything they darn well please as long as kids aren't involved. What a horrible example for kids.

Rosie... I understand (and respect) your opinion. I, however don't feel that it is wrong to live together prior to marriage, as a matter of fact I think if more people did that.. especially if children are involved, it might save many people from divorce. I don't feel I or we are setting a bad example. We are careful while the kids are around... it's not like they walk in and catch us in the middle of sex or me naked or anything. Both kids were actually very excited at the prospect of me being there "all the time" as they put it. : ) They welcomed me in with open arms. Had there been resistence or tears or having them upset at the prospect we probably wouldn't have done it.

If my sd chose to move in with someone (at a reasonable mature age)prior to marrying him I would not discourage it.

Aside from the obvious financial benefits of not having two homes to support (we are saving for our own home... we rent now) I really needed to see if a life with children, some one elses children, was for me. It may sound selfish but I think it would have been worse if I waited for two years, we got married, I moved in and realized "Wow, now this is not what I had imagined... I can't deal with this". I guess we are making sure everything works before making a lifetime commitment to eachother and to them. My future MIL was thrilled at the prospect of having me there for her grandkids... she thinks I am a better influence than there bio-mom. There are way too many situations where people are in and out of childrens lives. This is not a casual "live in girlfriend" situation... we have been dating a year, both children know me very well, and we are planning marriage next year (I think the kids are pretty sure we are getting married). This is just a "let's make sure" living arrangements. And I'm happy to say, so far so good... it seems to working very well for all of us.
I was raised a roman catholic... with years of private school and sunday church. In this day and age, however, it seems to be a very common living situation. The kid's have many friends in the same situation... one little boy on our block actually change his visitation with his dad and live in gf so he could have the same weeks my ss has, so they could play. I'm not saying because the "Joneses do it" it's ok.. I'm saying that we don't "stick out" in society so that the kids feel that they have to be embarrassed by anything.
I don't think you are a prude, but I think this is the smart way to do it... for all of us. Everyone has to do what they think is best for them and their family. I want to make sure that this is a living arrangement we can all live with. Better get it out of the way now if there are going to be any major problems, than later.

Thanks, again!

one more thing...

In that case... why would their parents have given them a bad example by divorcing? It doesn't mean they don't care about their children. Divorce isn't exactly a good example to show your children either.

I didn't take offense to your opinion... however insinuating that "if I really cared about them" was a little harsh. I care more about this situation probably alot more than woman who DON'T live with SO's and stepchildren prior to making a commitment to them... HENCE the "I hate my stepchildren" forum...

Sorry, I agree with Rosie. I kept following this thread for a long time before responding. At least there is one person out there who thinks like I do.

I think if you spent enough time with them (which you are doing, which is a good thing) that you would know whether you could live with them or not without becoming the "live in girlfriend." (Personally, I would want more of a distinction than a live in - wife would sound a lot better. But that's just me.) However, unfortunately, that's the situation you place yourself in by dating a man who has had children that are not yours...an instant family, which can be a very difficult dynamic for anyone to enter into. And if it doesn't work out, you can just walk away from them like their mother did? Statistically speaking, people who have lived together prior to marriage are just as likely to divorce as couples who have not. I guess if this situation is working out for you, more power to you - but I think that it is part of setting good examples for your children in all aspects: because they see everyone around them, including their parents/stepparents, etc. living together before marriage, or in lieu of marriage, are they going to think that is the norm? What are their opinions of marriage going to be when they get older? I guess I just get sick and tired of society as a whole (not you, directly) assuming that those who don't live together before marriage are the ones who are doing something wrong.

Phyllis
I'm not saying that the ones NOT living together before marriage are doing it the wrong way. Dating someone and LIVING with someone are two completely different balls games, in my opinion. I personally didn't think I could get a good enough idea about how life would truely be with them and have them try life with me, without experiencing it first. Remember, I knew them for a year before I moved in... i didn't just show up in there house one morning!
As far as "What are their opinions of marriage going to be when they get older?" I think their opinion of marriage is probably already damaged considering there parents are divorced (and it wasn't a pretty divorce either). I'm not trying to make it worse by living there, I'm trying to make their lives better. At their age I don't think this will affect them all that much. By the time they are ready to fall in love and get married they may have totally different opinions about marriage altogether.
As far as the "distinction" or "the title" goes... I don't think that's important. We are just trying to be really really smart here... I want to make sure his children are comfortable with me. I want to give them a choice too, because if we can't live happily together, I'd rather not be there, it's not fair to any of us.
I don't want them to think living together is the "norm" or something they HAVE to do before marriage, but like I mentioned before, I personally wouldn't discourage it. I also agree with your statistics about divorce ... you are probably right. Unfortunatly in todays society it seems that living together is acceptable, with and without kids.
I don't want to get into a big debate about what is moral and what isn't. When people start bringing up the "M" word it seems that they have this menu that they pick and chose what they decide is acceptable.
Is Divorce moral?
Sex before marriage?
So Divorce is Ok... but living together to try to make a smart choice for everyone is immoral?
Like you are sick of society telling you how prudish you are, I'm sick of being some kind of harlot or bad example.
By the way, although he dated several people after the divorce I am the first woman who has met and had any kind of relationship with his children. It's not like he's had women in and out of his children's lives.
We both thought long and hard about the decision for me to move there. He sat down and discussed it with them, they asked if we were gonna get married (followed by a lot of giggles) and he said that he hoped so but not right away, they were excited about me coming to live there. I think we approached the whole thing in a very smart way. I don't feel we are setting any bad example.
What it comes down to is that everyone will always have their own opinions about things. All I want to do is teach these children how to be responsible adults who can make intelligent decisions that work for them later on in life. In any case, it's not my job to teach them, it's there parent's job, but if they ask for my help I'll do my best.
This is a morality question that has been going on forever... I'm not going to convince you that it's moral or "ok" and you aren't going to convince me that I'm setting a bad example or doing something wrong. I don't feel that there is any point to discussing, other than getting your opinion out there, and I sincerely appreciate your opinion.

I feel I must stick up for the original poster. I just don't buy all the moralistic crap about the supposed "evils" of living together. In short, the message is that it's ok to divorce, have sex outside of marriage, etc. etc. as long as you manage to hide it from the kids. Hellooo. . . What kind of message is that?

I think that it's far more important for the kids to see a loving, happy, stable relationship. Period.

Granted, I may be biased given my background. My stepmother lived with us for 3 years before they got married. She has been part of the family now for 25 years. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I thank god as often as I can for her.

With respect to your concerns about being an "evil stepmother" bear in mind that all parents have to discipline their children. It's just one of the facts of life. So long as it isn't all discipline, it shouldn't be a problem. It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful thing.

Keep it up!

landofoz
I also lived with my husband before marriage (6 weeks) because we were gutting his house. Since 6 weeks wasn't very long and we were so busy, I really didn't get a "good" idea on what it would be like with his children. While were dating it was just one big fun time, there was no realization to it. After we got married and returned from our honeymoon, I definately got a taste of life with the "stepkids". Of course they were 15 and 17 at the time, so they had many, many more ingrained bad habits from their biomother and life with a single Dad. So I don't think you are doing anything wrong with testing the waters before marriage, because believe me, I have been through some things that if I had known ahead of time, I may have waited until his children were graduated and on their own before marrying him. You sound like you have a very level head and are on your way to a happy life. Good Luck

Sarah and MIstep:

I knew SOMEONE would show up to show some support eventually, thank you. I'm not big on the whole what's moral and what's not issue myself, I just try to have a realistic approach to how I live my life.

I knew I wasn't alone but it's nice to hear some encouraging words. This is a tough time for me, many adjustments to make, and I am really growing to like these children more everyday. A tough time for them too...adjusting to me, my schedules, OUR new house rules, my cooking ... But I think they are happy to see their dad happy, they are very attached to him.

I'm not one to "pussy foot" around. I could have dated him for the next 3 years and played this "let's go visit "Jane"" game every weekend he had them, do the ice cream and amusment park routine, but what could that really tell me? Why waste time if we knew we wanted a long term commitment together, possibly a life time one, but didn't know how I was going to handle an instant family?

So... let's cut to the chase, "let's make this work for all of us, let's get along, and let's get started" was our attitude. : )

I really wouldn't have gotten a taste of what my responsibilities would be otherwise, (and he wouldn't have been able to really see how I get along and treat his children... especially in those "not so nice" moments when they misbehave, etc.) I'm finding out it's really hard, and a lot of work. I'm also finding out that I don't hate it, the kids and I are really starting to understand eachother, and I CAN do this and be happy! There is 3 times as much laundry, cooking, dishes, rooms to clean... things I am totally not used to. But I have the support and help of my SO, and if everything continues to go well, we are planning to be engaged this fall.

I don't think I mentioned that we had the support of both my SO's parents and my parents who we consulted prior to making this decision. It was important to us to hear their opinion. Both my parents and his parents are still married, btw.

Once again... everyone is entitled to their opinion and I appreciate that they take the time to answer my post.

Thanks again! Hey, also, any other book recommendations??

Sarah, I hope one day I see a post like that from my future step daughter or step son... she's only 9 and he is only 7, but I can start earning it now I guess : ).

You sound like a smart, strong woman that is taking all the right steps toward becoming a stepmom. For me, I think the first thing I did prior to becoming a stepmom was realize that it was going to be HARD, but if I worked hard at doing the best that I could it would be worth it. One thing I told my SK's prior to marrying thier dad was that I expected them to treat me the way that I treated them, and that as I long as I respected them and I expected the same treatment from them, and it has worked so far. I try to remember that sometimes they need me to be a "mom" and sometimes they just need me to be a friend. DH and I have been married since December, he was 40 when we met had sole custody of his four children from a previous marriage, and I was 33 and had never-been-married single woman that traveled 70% of the time and had lived alone by choice for 13 years prior to making the commitment to marrying my husband. We dated for just over a year and also lived together for about 6 months prior to marrying so that all parties involved (including the kids) could adjust to the changes that were going to take place in all of our lives. It may not be the ideal situation for everyone, but it worked for us. I have an incredible relationship with my husband, and a great relationship with all of my stepkids as well, I love them and feel blessed to have them in my life. I believe that they truly love me and I received beautiful, heartfelt handmade cards from all of them for mothers day, it was truly incredible. We have HUGE ex-wife problems, but we handle them together and sometimes when necessary we handle them through the court system. One thing that I did when I met my husband was make sure that he understood that there was only room for ONE wife in our marriage (he was still doing a lot for his ex, when I first met him) and he respected that and made it clear to his ex that she was just that from that day forward. She doesn't always respect our wishes, but DH treats her like an ex and that is good enough for me. One thing that I would recommend is that you and your SO always present a united front to the kids, even if you disagree about the way something is being handled, have the disagreement in private and away from the kids. My SK's are great but there was a battle the beginning to see who would have the most "power" with their dad - them or me - and he was great about not giving it to them (or to me, for that matter) When we have a disagreement (the kids and I) DH listens to ALL sides and discusses everything with everyone, and we always seem to come to an agreement without to much of a blow-up. I also used to ask DH to tell so-and-so to pick up the bookbag on the table, put the socks in the hamper, but after a couple of months I just started asking them myself - once I started I just continued to do so. I still let DH handle the huge issues (things having to do with the kids bio-mom, etc.) but for the most part we share responsibilies equally. One thing we all did while prior to the marriage was go to couples and family counceling - an it made a huge difference for us. I learned that no matter how much the kids love me, when I married their dad it was going to be very traumatizing, and ruin the fantasy that every child of divorce has that mom and dad will get married again someday. I think it is one of the best things we could have done for our family. One thing I will warn you about is this - DH and I are having a baby in November, and it was very hard on my SK's at the beginning. The older kids got over it pretty quickly, and are now seem as thrilled as DH and I are, but our youngest (10 SD) was hysterical and distraught and even though she has known since Feb. she just this month has gotten excited about it and expressed happiness about it. We worked with her to help her through it, but it was hard on all of us. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Candy

More book recommendations taken from very old posts:

A great book for stepparenting
Posted by decoratingplus (docdavb@net-link.net) on Tue, Aug 7, 01 at 11:37

My shelf is growing with books on how to get through all this step parenting stuff....one of the most least enjoyable aspects ever in my life...
Wonderful Ways to be a Stepparent by Judy Ford and Anna Chase
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1573241474/extremepublishin/
Just wanted to share!
Debbie

Here is a link that might be useful: A place for used great books

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Follow-Up Postings:

RE: A great book for stepparenting
Posted by: Michelle (drnkcffee@aol.com) on Tue, Aug 7, 01 at 12:42

Here's another good book:
"The Enlightened Stepmother - Revolutionizing the Role", by Perdita Kirkness Norwood (Avon Books)
I can't tell you how much this practical, down to earth book helped me navigate my new status as step mom. Enjoy!

ok I will add my two cents worth.. I have dated men with children and lived with a man that have full custody..After what I have seen and learned I am here to tell you that I will NOT raise another person's child. I dont care how wonderful Mr. Right is or not. It is the same as the saying I can love a rich man just as easy as a poor one. I CAN AND WILL love a man without children. I dont need the problems....I do not have kids of my own and would not expect anyone else wanting to deal with the problems either.
Why burden yourself with that? Sorry just my opinion. By the way I lived with custody dad and I am soooo glad I did that. It showed me exactly what I needed to see and I was out the door.

teeweeone:

I've heard that from some of my family members... "like why would you want the aggravation??". You know, I love their dad very much, and I guess I've been waiting along time for this kind of love to come along, and I don't want to let this opportunity for happiness pass me by. I admit at the very beginning of our relationship I was EXTREMELY skeptical about how this was going to go, I even thought about breaking up with him many times, but I knew I couldn't pre-judge and had to give the whole thing a chance. And it's not bad... really. We don't have full custody of them, btw, so I'm not exactly "raising them". The bio-mom is very active in their lives and they spend most of the time with her.

Being with his kids is teaching me more than just being a parent... it's teaching me a lot about life in general.

But I'm glad that after "having a taste" you realized it's not for you. Probably a good thing you lived with him for a while. Better get out of the relationship sooner than later.

Candy: Thanks for your encouragement and advice... reading other peoples stories is a huge help.

teeweeone: I hope you find what you are looking for... there are plenty of single, childless guys out there!!!

Thanks again for the additional reading suggestions...I have quite a list going at Amazon... ;-)

Also, thanks to all those who responded to me privately via email!!

If there is anyone else who would like to "debate" the morality of living together vs. not living together prior to marriage I suggest we start a whole new post on the subject. I would be happy to participate!!

OZ

Sorry to be negative but my advice is to GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! My husband and I married almost 7 years ago and his ex-wife had residential custody. It all changed after we married when the sheriff's appeared with the kid on our doorstep. We've had primary and sole residential custody of him for 5 years and the last 5 years of my life have been hell! The ex is a loser and moves from place to place so she has little visitation with my 14 year old stepson. He has no friends because he is a trouble making gossip - just like his mother and grandmother. My husband's reply is that I am the adult and he is "just a kid with problems". It's a no win, non gratifying horrible situation and I need to seriously think about starting a new life at the age of 50.

I have a some what similiar situation however I have been in this relationship for 3 years and we have had custody of the 2 children for 2 years now. I strongly believe that if a person is strong enough to jugle a new relationship with someone elses children along is a God sent and you were placed there for a reason. We all meet people for a reason. Whether it be a good experiance or a bad one. It teaches us to be stronger people for it. Like you I am nervous about the children coming home each day for the simple fact that I want to do every thing in my power that is right. I have one child of my own with this man and he is 2 years of age. In a lot of ways I feel that the other children take a lot of my attention away from him. Not only are they getting the attention from me but from her side of the family, his family, and my family. I provide them with love, caring, tenderness, support, materials, everything that i offer my own child. However for my child is the unconditional love that i feel like i lack with the others. I catch myself in situations that if they are being uncontrolable I want to send them back to thier Biological mother and wash my hands of them. I would never feel that way with my own child. It is an easy way out. But if you stick it out the reward may be greater than what it would be if i would just send them back. Sometimes I think that when my Step daughter grows up and decides to get married and have her own children that I am not going to be the one that she is going to want there by her side it will be her biological mother that she will need instead of me. And my thaughts are 'I was the one that was there for you through all of you good times and bad! I dont think that I will have that very special bond with her because her mother will always come first. It is a terrible thing to think but I cant help but think that I want to be the one she looks up to and tells me her secrets and lets me have the unique friendships that mother and daughters have. I dont ever want to be told 'you cant tell me what to do cause your not my mom' And with the boy I want him to tell me about his first love and I want to look for me out of the crowd when were at his little leage baseball games
but us stepmoms have to deal with coming in second place because we fell in love with that man too late. Our opinions will always come after biological moms because we came into the picture later. We cant help who we fall in love with cause if we could i would not be here now. But we do have an impression on the little ones on how love works. And as long as they truly know that i love them and thier dad like i show that i do then here on out it should be pretty easy. I HOPE!!!