why does anyone abandon their children? And sometimes death isn't even an acceptable excuse. .... suicide

Extreme selfishness comes to my mind first but then I'm also thinking that some people ( I have to include men in this as well as women ) lack that fundamental gene that allows them to see a clear difference between right and wrong. Something has to missing for a parent to not be willing to give to their child what a step parent is willing to give them. Then the question has to be asked are they able to give or not, are they willing to give or not?

I don't include those who put their babies up for adoption in the same group....just to clarify that.

I think my SD's mom didn't want kids in the first place. Her husband married her because she was pregnant. Less than a year later, they were separated & he filed for divorce. From what I have been told, she moved in with her mom & left her mom taking care of her daughter while she went out partying, until she met my DH. Then they moved in with him. When things were getting shaky with him, she turned up pregnant. She then bought herself an engagement ring on QVC and started telling everyone he was going to marry her, even though he never proposed & she was still legally married to her first husband. When he finally moved her out a year after their daughter was born, she left the daughter with him but took her older daughter & moved back with her mom. Eventually, DH and her shared SD 50/50 every other week. On weeks she had SD, she'd leave both girls with her mom to go out & when she finally met her current BF, she moved away to be with him. She left both girls behind, the older one with her mom & SD with us. She's now announcing & planning her wedding to her current BF, but wait! she's still married to her first husband. When she does take her kids with her, a lot of the time, she sends them to her BF's parents house for them to watch & leaves them home alone too.

With her, I think it's a combination of:

1. She never WANTED to be a mom. Having a baby was a ploy to snag a man. After it didn't work the first two times, I don't think she'll do it this time (she's told DH her tubes were tied since she had SD, but she's a compulsive liar so who knows?) She's announced three wedding dates to her current boyfriend... I wonder if she lives in a fantasy that there is automatically a 'happily ever after' just because she gets married?

2. She's too self absorbed. She lets the kids do whatever they want and when they start getting on her nerves, she sends them to someone else to deal with. She will play mommy when it suits her & if there's something in it for her. (ie. attention, praise, acknowledgments, etc.)

3. She loves to party. I don't know if she does drugs, but she certainly loves to drink & is into swing parties. The 'adult' things she's into dominate her life more than being a mom. I guess that might also be an addiction. I know her current BF has a sex addiction, as it was the cause of his divorce. He also lost his job because of it.

4. Having a man in her life is more important than her kids. When she doesn't have a man, she does spend more time doing mom things with her kids & more time with her kids, but it's my opinion that she does that because SHE needs them, not because they need her.

5 I also wonder what mental health disorders she might have. So many of her actions contradict one another & most of the things she does, don't make any sense. She doesn't care to do mom things with her daughter until she finds out I am doing mom things and her daughter is having fun with me. Then she gets involved for a while, but that doesn't last. She also shapes up if she feels anyone thinks she isn't a good mom. She doesn't care about actually BEING a good mom, she just wants to make sure she LOOKS like one. (I don't even think she realizes that a lot of the things she does, makes her look bad)

My exBF's first wife abandoned their kids when they were little as well. She actually had a drug problem while they were married and I blame him more than her because she was involved with drugs (not thinking clearly) and he was not on drugs and purposefully got her pregnant with at least one or two of their three kids. He thought she'd settle down but she split. True story: The carnival came to town & she hooked up with a Carnie. They gave her a job & she stayed with that guy for six or seven years. They were together until they got busted selling drugs in a Federal drug bust & went to different prisons. She was in prison when I left him & when she got released, she was put in a halfway house about an hour away from where he & the kids lived. When they were teenagers, she started talking to them more regularly. When they were little, she came to town once or twice a year for a day or sometimes a couple of hours. But, again... I don't think she really wanted to be a mom & she had an addiction to drugs.

Not good excuses, but like I said.. I blame him because he knew she was on drugs & still had unprotected sex. He admitted the last one was to keep her home because she didn't do drugs while she was pregnant. i guess I have to give her credit for THAT. I actually have a little respect that she knew I was in their lives & she never acted the least bit jealous. She stayed her distance, probably because she was doing drugs & didn't want them exposed to it. I respect that more than a mother that demands their 'rights' to their kids but does drugs & exposes the kids to their sordid lifestyle. But, that's just my opinion.

Well in the girls mom's case it is a mixture of a few differnet things.

The number one reason being she has mental issues that makes it impossible for her to keep it together. She has even attempted suicide multiple times.

Then there's the drug addiction. She drinks alot as well.

Her boyfriends always seem to be priority.

She lost interest in the girls when Jonathan moved on. When they first seperated she tried to halfway keep up the good mommy act. It's really complicated. She has some mommy issues of her own. her mom was married 16 times and I think there is a fear of becoming her mother. I think even though she cheated on J and the split was mutual it was like as long as he wasn't "attached" the family was still semi-intact. There was always a chance of reconcile....and then I came along. The more serious J and I became the less involved she became. Now that I am married to him and pregnant she is three states away. It's sad but if she couldn't have him tag along for Halloween she didn't want to even bother with taking the girls. Same thing at Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. If Jonathan wasn't going to be present she didn't even want to bother with them.

I think my skids bm left them out of pure selfishness! She wanted to be with her bf that she left my dh for. She wanted to do what she wanted when she wanted and having the kids around was inconvenient to her and her bf. When things began getting shaky with her bf I think she got pregnant on purpose each time to make sure she could keep him around, not because she really wanted kids.

So now this lady has 3 kids who we have full-time and has had 3 kids with her bf in about the last 3 years!

And she continues to blow off my skids, like last weekend!! Middle SD called BM last night to tell her that she has her school play tonight and bm's cell phone # we had is disconnected! So now we are back to no way to get a hold of bm.

Let me be clear that A__'s mom has NOT abandoned him.... but she's not a very involved parent.

She's never been on a field trip or helped out in his classroom. She doesn't want to work on speech with him (too much work). She doesn't take him to the dentist (boring for her). She doesn't take him places HE wants to go if she doesn't care for them (even if they are free). She doesn't go to his soccer games (even though he desperately wants her to). She doesn't read aloud with him (his books are "crappy").
So she has him with her most of the time nowadays, but that doesn't equate to being an active parent.

My theory:

1) She has NO IDEA how to be an active parent. Her mom didn't do any "mom things" with them, and she doesn't know how to be a "good" mom. And since she's not a very creative problem-solver, she can't figure it out as she goes.

2) She's kind of selfish and immature. She had A__ when she was 18, and I think some of her maturity development stopped at that point (she really reminds me of a 18-20yo, not a 27yo)

I don't question for a second that BM loves A__. I know she does.
But that's why I think she's not a very involved parent.

all of your stories above sound similar in a lot of ways to my story..I amstarting to think that you must have some type of mental ilness to not be involved with your child, something has to be off....if you are down and desperate and your world is falling apart, that is still not a reason not to find a phone and call your kid....
You know my SD is getting to an age where she wants answers, she DESERVES answers..it makes me so frustrated because i just dont know what to say to her.......

could we define abandoment? i understand not being in a picture, never seeing the kids, never calling, never sending anything etc. but I am not sure if we could call abandonement when kids just don't live with a parent. when parents are divorced, kids can't live with both, so they live wiht one. most of the time it is mom, but once in awhile it is dad. i don't think that the parent who does not live wiht a child necessarilly abandoned her/him. kids cannot live with both and 50/50 does not always work. I know that in some posters situations BMs are simply not there, like never there sometimes for years at a time. But if mom sees kids eow? or once a month or even weekly? or if it is far away bi/monthly? what do you consider to be an abandoment?

"impossible for her to keep it together"

"NO IDEA how to be an active parent"

That's what I think.

Many many people are walking wounded, lucky to be functioning at all, & they just can't cope with a tiny, constant, dependent being.

If you pray, you might say a little prayer for them, & say another prayer of thanksgiving if you're lucky enough to be in a position to nurture their children who would otherwise grow up the same way.

I would consider the girls abandoned becasue it's obvious they FEEL abandoned. A few 10 minute phone calls a month and one hour trip to the movie theater does not make you an involved parent.

I guess I would consider abandonement to be anything less than being activily involved. I don't even think parents who do the bare minimum EOW visit should be considered "invovlved". When the girls lived with their mother we still we got them EVERY weekend (Fri night-Mon afternoon) and at least once during the week for dinner adn park play. We would also drop in for fifteen minutes once or twice during the week just to see them for a sec or to drop off something they needed (new socks, half the cost of pictures, new jackets or just a little goody) as well. They saw their father and I at LEAST 4 days a week...normally at least for a few minutes EVERY day of the week. Jonathan is a very involved parent. We WANTED to see them and missed them if we didn't. It wasn't a chore or obligation. It was what we wanted to do. I think anything less than that is abandonment because anything less than that would be putting your kids second.

PURE SELFISHNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have custody of my 11 year old nephew. He has had his problems. He has ADHD among several different things. Ive had him for almost 5 years now.

His mother my ex's niece, hasnt seen him in almost 2 years, never calls has sent 1 birthday gift, and 1 christmas gift.

His bio dad has seen him 2 times his whole life.
He now plays football and soccer his grades are all A's he is reading on grade level now its been hard but you do what you gotta do.

He has a brother who lives with his dad, the boys see each other all the time. But BM hasnt seen the younger one in 4 years.

As for my SS who is 6 we have him 50/50 I volunteer at his school BM doesnt. I have went on field trips BM hasnt.
SS plays soccer BM sits in her car during the game his dad coaches. BM doesnt take him to the doctor, dentist or anything. EXCEPT for toys r us so she can out do us on toys.

My 2 bio daughters, I had my oldest when I was 18 and I was always involved, she is now in her 2nd years of college with a 4.0... My 15 year old is in 10th grade a lil bit of a rebel, but plays soccer for the high school her grades are good,

I guess my point is that if you really want to be a good mom no matter how much money you have or if your a single parent you can do it there is no EXCUSES. These kids are our future.... These moms have kids and dont want them, I have been trying to have another baby with my hubby and cant. But all these women who dont want their kids can have them. GO FIGURE....

I consider myself to be a mom to 4 kids.

"I guess I would consider abandonement to be anything less than being activily involved. I don't even think parents who do the bare minimum EOW visit should be considered "invovlved"."

Ouch! Sometimes the pedestals we put ourselves on topple over from the weight of our own inflated heads...

Someone else on here once said something along the lines of "a parent who lives in another state, but calls every day to say hi and ask how soccer was and really stays in touch may be more involved than the parent they live with, who reads a magazine during soccer and meets the kid's physical needs but isn't very connected to them"
And I thought that was quite right.

However, my brother only has his daughter EOW (4 days/14) and I'd say he's involved... He knows everything going on in her life, he knows her friends and her teacher, he goes to swimming lessons if he is in town that evening, he calls her almost every day, and so on... Even though she only STAYS with him EOW.

"Ouch! Sometimes the pedestals we put ourselves on topple over from the weight of our own inflated heads..."

What is THAT supposed to mean? I happen to agree. My SD goes to her mom's three weekends a month.... that does NOT make her an involved parent. Why not? Well, my SD also FEELS abandoned. and with good reason, her mom does take her on 'some' of her weekends, but then drops her off at BF's parents to babysit so she can go out. When she is at her mom's, she's allowed to do whatever she wants which often results in her being injured or getting sick. It's happened countless times. She's been hurting herself for a couple of months because she feels she needs to do something to get her mom's attention. Last year, we had SD on her birthday and BM said she'd celebrate SD's 9th birthday the following weekend because it was her regular weekend. What did she do? She said she had a party to go to and left SD with BF's parents who threw her a little party with a cake. BM wasn't even there. She doesn't call her daughter during the week, doesn't answer most of her daughters calls, doesn't return calls & is uninterested in her school progress. She didn't go to one conference last year and only asked for her final report card a month after school was out. She hasn't been to her school at all this year. When SD has homework on mom's weekends, it comes back to our house on Sunday.. undone & we have to help her get it done Sunday night before she goes to bed. I've taken SD to the doctor for several things that happened at BM's house, an injury SD told BM about and she told SD to 'have daddy take you' but never called DH to tell him, she left that responsibility to a 9 year old. When SD didn't tell him for a week, she accused him of being neglectful because 'he should have known' SD needed to see a doctor. She doesn't bother to call when SD is taken to the doctor, yet I always let her know the results. She won't help pay for it... says it's not HER responsibility to pay for it when it's on OUR time. She says she only has to pay if SHE takes SD to the doctor... well, maybe that's why she tells SD to tell daddy to take her to the doctor but also tells her not to tell daddy it happened at mommy's house... so SD will claim she doesn't know how she got hurt.

Yes, she is not an involved parent, I don't care how many weekends she takes her daughter with her. She won't even come pick up her own daughter, she has her mom come get her daughter and apparently, if her mom can't/won't, she just lies to her daughter and cancels her weekend. It's no big deal to her if her daughter is upset or hurt by her actions. There are plenty of kids LIVING WITH uninvolved parents. Seeing your kids does NOT make you involved. A parent living in another country can be involved if they are calling, talking to and actively interested in their child and their child's life... without actually visiting. Mere absence does not make one uninvolved, just as merely seeing them does not make one involved.

"Ouch! Sometimes the pedestals we put ourselves on topple over from the weight of our own inflated heads..."

I don't think I have an over inflated head...I think I have a husband whoes priorities are in line thank you very much! And for your info he DESERVES to be placed on a pedestal! He is a awesome father! HOORAY FOR THE GOOD DADDIES OF THE WORLD!

As far as parent living out of state...I don't think theres any excuse to be away from your children. In mom's case she left for her boyfriend. Is that a good reason to not ever see your kids? I don't think so.

Unless the custodial parent is the one who moves away (and in that case THEY should be ashamed) and the NCP has no chioce there is no reason to move away from your children. There is nothing I REPEAT...NOTHING more important than your children. Not job, not boyfriend not NOTHING.

If you are millitary and you are ODERED to relocate that is a different story. You are bound by contract to move but even then you should be writing, calling, sending care packages and using all your leave time possible to see your children...not your girlfriend/boyfriend, not your buddies in Dallas but YOUR CHILDREN! Anything less isn't exceptable.

Your brother sounds like he puts forth the extra effort.

I am speaking of the parents who only contact their kids on "Their days" and complain if they are ever asked to keep them on an "off" day. I mean the ones who never call during the week because "they'll see the kids next weekend". The parents who pencil in their kids EOW weekend visit on their planners and stick soley to those days only as if their visits with their children are nothing more than "business meetings" they have to deal with on those days.

Those parents to me are not involved but rather obligated. They have to visit their children in the same way they have to pay their bills.

"Obligated" is a good word to use there.
And I know a few parents who definitely view their children in the same way as their bills. :(

A friend of mine (you've heard about him before) is fighting for more time with his 1yo son (result of a 2 night stand) and BM is making it h3ll for him. He comes home from work bummed because there are dads that he works with who AVOID their kids because "they ruin all your fun" and "suck all your time"... He's saddened and frustrated that he desperately wants more time with his son, but others who have full access to their kids don't appreciate it.

I think what lonepiper is saying is that, if you're able to perform, as a mother or as a bus driver or as a highwire acrobat, it's very easy to judge someone who...can't.

& until/unless we've been privy to every hurt, every insult , every wound to the body or the soul that that person has endured, until we know that the other person can't be an effective mother because she had no one to model, that the only physical contact she had with her parents was when they hit her, that the other person can't drive a bus because she has no depth perception, or that the other person can't be an acrobat because heights make her throw up, we don't have the knowledge & perspective to judge & to put ourselves in an elevated position.

"if the child feels abandoned, then he/she has been abandoned".

It's not realistic to expect kids to have the perspective to only "feel" what is actually going on.

If that were the case, ima's stepdaughter wouldn't be worried sick about her mother's "biopsy".

Well said, Sylvia.

I try to see why BM isn't doing the parenting job I think she should be doing, and try to be empathetic... Sometimes it's hard to keep that open mind though.
She's not a bad person, she meets A__'s basic needs, and she loves him - I just wish she'd do more than that.

I know I have it easy:
My mom was active and involved, so it's easy to model that.
I got to wait until I decided I was ready to have a child in my life to get involved with one.
I have a great support system (FDH, sister, friends).

But it's still frustrating that I want BM to wear her "mom hat" more often.

Normally I would agree that you shouldn't judge but in the case of a parent dipping out on a child...I personally don't care if they were flogged by their own mother on a daily basis. It isn't exceptable. Two wrongs do not make a right.

I have never mentioned this before but as a child I was molested and on a few occasions raped by a close family member. This went on for two years. I was 7 when it started. Do I use this as an excuse to run around molesting other children? No. Have I used it as an excuse to do drugs and feel sorry for myself and be a cruddy step parent? No. I moved on.

Sometimes sucky things happen but only the weak let it run them. I can understand needing healing time and counseling. I can't understand throwing a perpetual pitty party that everyone including your children is invited to. If you don't think you can handle being a parent for Christ's sake don't get pregnant. Don't dump your kids with the "I can't handle it" excuse and then have the nerve to tell yourself what a great parent you are for making such a hard decision so you can sleep at night. No matter what that person has endured in his/her past they are no less guilty of being a lousy parent.

Bleeding heart personality types enable these people to use their past as an excuse to cause continuing hurt in their childrens futures. Grow up, suck it up and be a parent. I have a no excuse policy when it comes to children.

Okay, so I admit that Sylvia said it much more eloquently than I did!!

Before giving myself or my husband too much credit for doing our jobs, I'd really think about the fact that it really doesn't take too grand of a person to outshine a woman who has mental health issues... No excuse policy? Then why did your husband procreate with a woman who has psychological issues?

I don't want to p*ss anyone off, but this kind of struck something with me:

"if the child feels abandoned, then he/she has been abandoned".

This is true...if they have shown signs of feeling abandoned but, it is my belief that adults can also put feelings on kids that they may not really have. For instance, I was worried that DS would be upset and angry when FSD left. I thought that almost 6 years of togetherness would be hard to break. I thought that he might feel like a victim because he had no say-so in what was going on. I never said this to him and I'm glad I didn't because he was never worried about any of that. If I'd have said that to him, he might have thought "you know what? mom was right. it is unfair to me" and then have an issue. As it stands, DS has said he misses FSD, but has never once been sad.

I agree with counseling. I think it's great. But I think that counselors can be so focused on finding a problem or heading one off that they actually create one. It's the power of suggestion.

We had to take DS to the hospital when he was 4 because he got hit in the face with a baseball bat. When it happened, he cried for a minute and then went back out to finish practice. There were no obvious broken bones so finishing practice wasn't a problem. He was laughing and smiling in no time. We took him to have some x-rays just to make sure there wasn't some tiny fracture we couldn't see. When they were triaging him, they showed him a card with 10 faces on it. One was a happy face and one was a frowny face with 8 other degrees in between. The nurse asked him "point to the face that shows how you feel; this one means you feel just fine and this one means you feel the worse you've ever felt in your life". Which one do you think he pointed to? The frowny face at the end. That was the last one that she explained to him so, of course, that's how he MUST feel.

It's the power of suggestion.

I have little to no experience with abandonment of a child by a parent. I DO, however, see a case of a parent being abandoned by their child.

I know you're thinking "how can a child abandon a parent?....it MUST be one of the parents faults" No, that's not necessarily true. There comes a point where people are responsible for their own actions. In a lot of cultures around the world, FSD13 would be considered an adult. So, even though her mother moved her away from her father, she is responsible for the unreturned phone calls, e-mails and texts and un-responsive conversations. FDH calls nearly every single day, but rarely actually talks to him. She will tell him that she's watching a TV show and can't talk. How is that an excuse to not talk to the father she hasn't seen in 10 weeks? If it was him doing it, it would be totally unacceptable. I'm sure she knows how rude she's being as she would never treat her mother like that and has complained before about her friends doing the same to her. So it isn't as if she doesn't know. She is old enough to be responsible for her actions; Stockholm Syndrome or not. She has abandoned her father who has been nothing but wonderful to her even in the face of BMs adversity.

I think you are trying to turn this into a competition and it's not. It's about being a good parent no excuses.

I think I have said this many times before. She LIED about not being able to get pregnant. She was taking Birth Control and was telling him she wasn't but rather was uncapable of getting pregnant. When they started having problems she intentionally went OFF the birth control with the soul intent to get pregnant. Dee Dee Dee Jonathan believed she was really sterile. She had all these dramatic stories about doctors visits and how she was just crushed she would never be a mother. He had no intentions of getting her pregnant. He had no intentions of marrying her. In fact they had broken up when he got the phone call three weeks later from her saying she was pregnant. It wasn't untill after THAT he found she had been on the shot all along and had been lying about her condition. I have told him many times he was nuts to believe her.

He is a good father and has since spent his life doing the best he can for the girls. He isn't the one who lied, intentionally got pregnant and then when the relationship crumbled hauled ass. Big difference there.

No one is trying to out shine anyone so stop stirring up crap. She sucks as a mom. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that for what it is.

"Then why did your husband procreate with a woman who has psychological issues?"

Is this an attempt of a low blow? There are apparently lots of people with mental health issues having kids. Not all of them are easily identified. I've been with my husband almost four years and just in the last year, noticed that she might have mental issues. She presents herself very well & puts on a good 'act'. TOS was married almost two decades before her husband began having mental issues. It's also possible to procreate with someone that develops a drug/alcohol problem AFTER the children exist.

And YES, there is no excuse... doodle's husband is taking care of his responsibility. He might have made a mistake in who he had his first children with, but he isn't making excuses instead of taking care of his kids!

I think there are two forms of abandonment emotional and physical....
my definition of abandonment is when a parent has no contact with their child for an exteneded period of time. I do think phone calls, letters etc.. constitute a form contact....personally the word abandonment started waving in my mind since the year mark has passed since there was any form of contact whatsoever for SD....before this absence I felt SD had a very uninvolved BM to the point where there werent any calls but maybe a visit once every other month or so....I dont consider a parent that has their child EOW to have abandoned their child but the question can always be asked with any parent custodial or noncustodial has the child been emotionally abandoned?

While researching step parent adoption the other day I found out our state considers a child abandoned after 1 full year of no contact from BM.....I would like to adopt SD and am looking into it....I havent spoken to SD about it yet....she did text back in june to schedule a visit on fathers day, we told her she could have her the few days before since it was summer....she then texted back and cancled a few days before sd was supposed to go I wonder if that constitutes contact and I have to start the clock over in june to meet that rule?

"And YES, there is no excuse... doodle's husband is taking care of his responsibility. He might have made a mistake in who he had his first children with, but he isn't making excuses instead of taking care of his kids!"

Thanks Ima. EXACTLY. He faced his responsibility. He isn't the one who ditched his kids. I think anyone who has had had an EX run out on their kids will tell you that the excuses the EX give isn't damn good enough.

TOS, Jonathan, IMA and all the other parents here who have had an EX spouse or a spouses EX choose a new life over their kids/skids can tell you that there is no justification that makes up for the hurt it causes the kids. If the mental sickness is bad enough they are in a padded room or need to be labotomized.....OK.

I can see that but if the "mental sickness" is just being used as an excuse to do what they want which I think is the case 95% of the time....I ain't buying it. Feeling sorry for yourself and being mentally ill is two different things.

There are tons of clinically depressed people out there who go to counseling and take prescription meds but are STILL active parents to their children. They don't use their sickness as a crutch.

I agree, the power of suggestion is strong.

But, there are so many of these cases where nobody suggests to the kids that mom 'abandoned' them. My stepdaughter's first question when her mom told her she moved with BF and now SD was going to live with dad, was 'why can't I go with you?' BM told her it was temporary and when they set up the weekly visits, she started dropping her off at noon with grandma instead of keeping her until 6, so she could go back home to BF. BM has canceled time and doesn't answer her phone. It's easy enough for a 8-9 year old to figure out mom isn't available. When they do talk on the phone, BM is always the one trying to end the conversation. The hard part in that situation is having nothing of comfort to tell SD. BM on the other hand has used the power of suggestion against DH, she tells SD that daddy took you away from me. That is actually more than suggestion.

As to children abandoning their parents... I also agree. My stepmom was a good mom, not perfect, but she was there for her kids when they were getting into trouble... bailed one out of jail, took in one a couple of times when he couldn't make it on his own (as an adult), was very close to her daughter & grandson. Then, she had an aneurysm 12 years ago and they have abandoned her. No calls, no visits, nothing. Not one 'how's my mom doing?' in years. They are not being asked to care for her, nor pay for her care. My dad has continued to send gifts to his step grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas, even though his stepchildren have nothing to do with him or their mom. She could die and be buried and they would not even know... nor would they care. I guess in her case, she isn't aware of it like your husband is... that still doesn't make it better.

"There are tons of clinically depressed people out there who go to counseling and take prescription meds but are STILL active parents to their children. They don't use their sickness as a crutch."

I have said it before, I have suffered with (clinical) depression for 20 years or more. I first got treatment when I was 18 or 19. I am 39 now. I have ALWAYS taken responsibility for my kids and have been in their lives 100%. When I feel a bout of depression coming on, I immediately go for counseling and meds if needed. It's been over two years since I have been on meds and I'd go back on right away if I needed to. It's a choice to get help or not. People that have drug problems make the choice everyday to get help & go into rehab because they don't want their life to be in turmoil, they want to be there for their kids, etc. Those that choose to not get help, choose to not get help. They are to blame because there are plenty of resources for help for those that want help. There doesn't even seem to be a stigma anymore, rehab is 'in'. Look at all the celebrities that bring it into the spotlight, so it's not like people just don't know how to get help. That's an excuse and a cop out. Saying "I'm weak.." is also a cop out.

I've gained 10 lbs since I got married & I am going to try to lose it before the beginning of the year. This morning, I didn't pass on some junk food that looked so good. I honestly know I should have said no but I felt SO weak... I gave in and thought, just this once, next time I'll pass it up. Well, if I do or don't, it's MY fault. I'm responsible for the extra weight and whether or not I choose to do something about it. Now, I realize cookies are not the same as meth, but if my choice was cookies or my kids... I know I'd have passed right on by those cookies! Hey, I just gave myself a new strategy to give up junk food... I'll just keep telling myself that. If only I could apply that to going to the gym too!

We will never come up with a reason or an excuse that satisfies us when we are on the end of picking up the pieces of a broken child and putting them back together after a bio parent has become absent from their life. It really doesn't matter why. It just matters that it happened, it continues to happen and we have to deal with it as best we can. I don't care how hard you try, you can't take away the hurt of a child not having their bio mom or dad doing what they should.

As I've mentioned before, my ex husband hasn't seen our son in 3 years. It is something that I will never understand. I am raising my 2nd SD and he can't even be a real father to his biokids. What the h3ll.

For my kids and me it is time to move on. My 1st SD has had to do that where both of her parents are concerned.

My parents should have divorced but didn't. My mother had a difficult time with the "unconditional" love concept. Parents bale even when there isn't a divorce.

As step parents we are called to a special task. One that may or may not be rewarded in the manner that we would like it to be. I have hated my ex for so many years that I don't have the energy to any longer. I have to forgive him. He missed so much by his own choice. How can you not pity that to some degree.

We can't change anyone but ourselves. Step parenting stretches you, challenges you and if you do it right it makes you a better person.

My son's BD never got him for his vistation after he was 12, never called once, never sent a gift. He lived within 5 miles. Would you consider that abandoment? I would.

After my son was working his boss took several of the employees out for breakfast. My ex happened to go in the restaurant, saw my son & pushed his way in and sat down and tried to talk to him. My son got up and left his breakfast. Then ex told people my son had left without paying for his breakfast, which of course the boss was doing.

IMO, that takes nerve after not having ANYTHING to do with him all those years. He did pay minimal CS only because I wouldn't let him get by with not paying.

some just don't want them, they probably don't love or miss them and consider them a complication in their life. It's hard for the rest of us to understand this, because most of us would give up our life to save our children. After my children left home and I was in a second marriage with steps and the ex, I understood why a woman runs away from a marriage, for no reason except being sick of the stress, but not if you have children at home.

"As step parents we are called to a special task. One that may or may not be rewarded in the manner that we would like it to be. I have hated my ex for so many years that I don't have the energy to any longer. I have to forgive him. He missed so much by his own choice. How can you not pity that to some degree. "

In ways I do pity bm because she has missed sooo much in her kids lives! I can't imagine not being there when my skids have hit those milestones, like their first game or concert, their first crush, their first time riding a bike with no training wheels, their first time going off a high dive, their first period, going bra shopping for the first time, seeing their reportcards, making holiday dinners together, volunteering in their classrooms, chaperoning field trips, and just the everyday family stuff. Those are memories me and the children will always cherish and bm does not have those with them. It is truly sad.

But she did make that choice that she would rather make memories with her bf. Wonder how she looks in the mirror each day? Can't imagine she likes what she sees.

There was a time that I racked my mind day in and day out wondering the same thing. There were days when I swore that I could never forgive him for doing that. I would wonder how will she feel when she is old enough to understand? How could he possibly put something so ugly into her perfectly innocent world? But, I have come to realize that I will never understand how he could do something like that. I will never be able to fathom how he could see her happy smiling face saying "I love you Daddy' and still walk out of her world with such finality. There is nothing in this world that will ever explain why... what could have been going through his mind to make that decision... to leave his baby girl and with such ugliness. I would like to think that for a split second he regretted his decision but who knows. I worry every day that his decision will effect her in some drastic way... that it will crush some part of her. But, I know that I have and continue to do all that I can to make sure that her life is as full of love and support as possible. I know that in the end it will be up to her to decide what she feels about him and his decisions. I will leave that up to her and I will stand vigilant and strong should the worse happen. But, I have faith that with the loving influence of everyone else she has in her life... she will graciously accept that .... we will never know what makes people do the things that they do... we can only be grateful for the bright spots they gave to us... a pink teddy bear from her 1st birthday... a smiling picture from halloween...life and forgive him his weakness.

Although his choice was made with more finality than others... I think the same is true for all parents who abandon children and those children that are abandoned. We will never be able to comprehend or understand why... and in the end, it wont matter... it will be up to the children to make their own decisions and hopefully forgive and live their own lives fully... even if we cant forgive them for doing that to our children.

Mom of 4: That was very well put, I have tried to forgive BM for her abandonment but I just cant seem to get there. I am so angry that she has hurt our little girl that it seems to clog the way....
SD deserves better and she has a right to have all of her parents involved in her life, to deny a child such a thing in my eyes is a horrible injustice...I wish they prosecuted deadbeat parents not just for child support but for not being a parent...

i agree with what doodle says. if kids feel abandoned (unless these feelings are cultivated by the other parent) then they probably are. but I also agree with ceph. too often parents are there, live wiht kids, but kids are still emotionally abandoned. and sometimes if parents (or anyone else for that matter) are messing kids up, it is better if they are not in a picture.

well ceph although it could be that BM is uninvolved, i disgaree with some of the points you make of what makes uninvolved mother.

i never volunterred in the classroom, I always worked. Moms who volunteered didn't work or had undemanding careers and plenty of free time. I never went to field trips, maybe two times total when they were on saturdays. once again i worked. And I am not "PTA or classroom volunteer or cookie baking for class parties" type of person. Just not me. I never was and DD never wanted me to be, she herself is not that type of person.

I also never did homework with DD. I never had any need and I strongly believe that it is not parents' job. I raised DD to be intelligent, compassionate person with right priorities. She certainly was not abandoned. lol I just hope that not all SMs judge BMs on amount of cookies they bake or PTA meetings they attend.

as about not reading to kids or not taking them places, here i completely agree. parents who do not read to kids or do not take them places are uninvolved in my books.

FD - there are certainly flexibilities on active parenting, and what makes one parent involved may be different than what makes another parent involved...
If it wasn't high on your DD's list for you to be there, and you were working, then that's what works for your family, and it's totally OK... It's obvious that you were involved in many other ways.

But when A__ has a field trip on a day that BM knows she will not be working and BEGS her to go on it with him, but she refuses, I get frustrated at yet another way she's not taking an active role in his life.
If she did lots of other things with him, but didn't get involved with school, then my opinion would be different. Or if she was super-involved with school, but gave soccer games a miss... Or went to his soccer games, but didn't like to go to the park with him... Or took him minigolfing, but didn't read aloud with him... But when she's giving them ALL a big "no thank you," I feel bad for A__.
I just hate seeing him get the short end of the stick from the person he should be able to rely on the most.

You don't have to volunteer in the classroom to be involved with your child's education. It doesn't take much to ask the child 'how are you doing in school?' or 'how can I help you in school?' if they are having trouble. It doesn't take much to call the teacher once in a while (if you're too far away to have an actual sit down conference) and say 'how's my child doing in class?' It doesn't take much to ask the child on Friday, 'do you have any homework or anything from school to work on this weekend?' and have them get it done. If it's a project, then wouldn't most NCP's want to have an opportunity to help with a school project since they don't usually get that chance? It would be time spent doing something together. Being involved with school doesn't take much. If the NCP doesn't want to help with a school project, then maybe put the child's education first and tell them you'd love to see them but school is important and they should stay with the CP to get the project done.

Emotional abandonment happens when the parent disregards the child's feelings & creates a disconnect. When the child yearns for the parent's attention/involvement and the parent shuts them out or denies them, then they are emotionally abandoning their child. It's not as simple as going or not going on a field trip, PTA meeting, baking cookies, or reading a book. You can read a book to a child or take them somewhere without an actual connection. My mom took me everywhere she went, but she never listened to me or heard me. She was in her own universe at times. (and she did volunteer in my class one year to translate for a Spanish speaking girl. Yet, she never taught me to speak Spanish. I was envious that she was there to pay attention to someone else's child.)