If I didn't know better I'd swear our DH's were married to the same woman -.-;;;

"Unfortunately, we were under four inches of snow today"

I live in Iowa, four inches of snow makes no one late...

The whole 'accommodating' thing is totally classic, you attempted to be accommodating by letting her pick her up early in the first place, you shouldn't have to rearrange your schedule to make it further convenient.

We used to do that song and dance a long time ago when she actually tried to visit, she would have a 'schedule' change and we would go out of our way, I should say both her and DH would put me out of MY way since I was the one who had to adapt my plans, I love how she hates me, I'm horrible with the kids etc.. but if she had a 'plan change' for an extra hour or two then I better darn well be able to rearrange every meeting and activity on my agenda to accommodate watching the kids because 'why can't SM do it?'.

/rant :)

Mine doesn't just expect ME to accommodate her plans, she wants my daughter and my dad to jump in when I can't do it. I just wanna scream sometimes.

Yeah thats three levels beyond ridiculous

Just kinda sucks how it seems that the DH is so often out of the room, out of the house, or otherwise out of the scene when this stuff happens so that it winds up being the SM vs. the BM. I guess a lot of that can't be helped b/c of various circumstances, and I'm not trying to make SM's angry with their husbands, but it's just something I've noticed. I guess as a generalization, men are usually less communicative and less confrontational than women... seems they'd rather not deal with it... or one of the two women involved knows that she won't get anywhere complaining to him and feels the other woman is an easier target... I don't know, but it does seem a shame to have the two women at each other while the man they have in common (often the only thing they have in common) is removing himself from the equation.

I agree, Serenity.

Serenity, I don't get angry at my husband because of the way his ex behaves. He doesn't hide behind my skirt and let me deal with her for him (and there probably are some guys that do that). When she wants to make a change in pick up time, she always calls him. He's at work when BM is supposed to pick up SD (usually at school, but this time it was on a holiday) and if it's up to him, he'd tell her 'too bad, I'm at work and can't leave.' and she would HAVE to be there on time. So, if she needs to make a change for a later time, she SHOULD deal with me. He isn't going to leave work to sit with SD until her mom gets there, I'm the one that has a more flexible schedule so I am the one that ends up doing it. If it's something he has control over, then she should leave me out of it and deal with him. But most of the time, she wants 'him' to do her a favor & keep SD until later, but she knows he's working so it's going to affect my schedule & I'm the one doing her the favor. Instead of calling DH and saying 'I'm going to pick up SD at 3pm', don't you think she should be calling me and saying 'I can't be there until 3pm, would you mind watching SD until then?'?

I agree that men are less communicative and confrontational than women sometimes, but I think the problem has more to do with the woman's insecurity (either as a wife or a mother) that she feels threatened by the other female. That could be why SD's BM has a problem with her BF's exW too. She can't seem to get along with either of us and she is always the victim.

I have learned there are alternative meanings to the word "accommodating" when dealing with custody issues. To the CP (be it mom or dad) it means deviating from the written (often court ordered) parenting plan on occasion for a valid reason. To the NCP, it means changing everything to what is most convenient to them and their schedule without regard to the child's, CP's or CP's family schedule or best interest.

We were always accused of being unaccommodating, like when we balked at a weekend trip that would happen at the same time as a MANDITORY for participation sport camp that had been publicized for MONTHS, and SD wanted the camp not the trip. We ended up canceling our weekend trip to allow her to stay home with us and attend while mom went on her trip, but we were "unaccommodating." Love it!

It depends on where you live. Four inches of snow isn't much in New England, but in D.C. it brings everything to a screeching halt.

Why is it that the father is always "at work" and the SM always has the more flexible schedule - maybe if the fathers were responsible for visitation scheduling/hand offs, there would be a lot less conflict.

If your husband, or your teen, wanted to get a dog, would you take over walking it, taking it to the vet, grooming it, just because your schedule is more flexible? Sure you might feed it if it looked at you pitifully, and you'd probably take it to the vet if it got sick suddenly, but otherwise wouldn't it be your husband's/teen's responsibility?

And if your H had brought his daughter to her grandmother's house, wouldn't that have given her an opportunity to see her half sister, whom you've mentioned she rarely gets to see?

First, you'd have to assume she is being honest. She says she got four inches of snow. The newspaper where she lives reported the town got a light dusting of snow. It had pictures of local kids, scrounging up bits of snow from patches that didn't melt right away, in order to make a snowman. I think I've mentioned before, she's a pathological liar. The last time she said it was snowing so bad she either had to get SD early or late. On time wasn't an option because of the weather. Two days later, we went to pick up SD and the clerk at the gas station around the corner from her house said they didn't get any snow, it was a couple of miles up the mountain. (she lives in the lowest elevation of town.)

and are you comparing a child to a pet? Even so, my daughter did have a dog. Everyone in the family took care of it and played with it. It became a part of our family, not a possession of just my daughter.

and if my husband had taken her to her grandma's, she would have been home alone all day with her sister. Her grandma works all day to support her other granddaughter. And I'm not even sure the sister was there. It was the week after Christmas and she might have been at her father's. BM may not have a problem leaving her daughters home alone but DH did and it's his responsibility to make sure she's supervised on his time, which ends when BM picks her up. I'm sure he wouldn't have had a problem dropping off SD with grandma when she's going to be home. He's done that before. But, he's not getting his daughter out of bed at 6am to take her to grandma's when grandma is at work and leaving her there all day, not knowing when her mom will get there. The last time he left SD there at grandma (when she was home) was when BM said she'd be there at 3. We dropped her off at 2:30 and BM didn't get there until the night. That was fine because grandma was there but all day alone is another thing. (besides, her grandma lives in a fairly high crime area in a major city)

Then the reason had nothing to do with getting her up early, as you told her mom.

If you get a six year old a dog, you'd better be prepared to do a lot of the caretaking, but if you get a teen (or a spouse) a pet, they had better be the primary caretakers. Otherwise they never learn responsibility. And yes, I think having a pet does go a long way toward preparing children/teens for the responsibility of parenthood.

Here's the thing in my situation ... BM knows the children are with me certain hours of the day its not a hidden fact. So when BM is calling to change times etc. She is calling hubby who she knows is at work because she is calling his work cell phone. So then he has to call me for me to adjust my schedule to "accomodate" her needs. So yes if she is supposed to be here at 3 to pick the kids up ... hubby is still at work I am the one home with them ... I have said it over and over for 2 years.... do not include me in the time change if you're not going to be here then the time needs to reflect when you are going to be home so you can make the exchange. It is finally that way after 2 years. Unless of course BM needs to change the times again. Like if she can't pick them up afterschool for whatever reason.

So yes it would make sense for her to directly call me to shift my schedule. But in her thinking "he is the one inconveniencing me" well if you call him at work for everytime you "need" him to adjust the schedule around your wants or be there for the children when you should be then who are you really inconveniencing? besides the children of course?

I have even said to her after she was rambling on and on how unaccomodating he is ... that if he got out of work everytime she called to change times he wouldn't have a job he would have to be a SAHD to accomodate you and that her CS would be outrageous.

Yes parents should be flexible but when its only one parent doing the flexing that is unfair. I kept repeating to hubby when she would call to change this or that ... when she asks you something ask yourself would she do it for you? then ask her while she is asking you do to for her ask her to do something for you .... exchange answers then if not be firm and say no .... he finally grew a back bone after her saying numerous times "WHY should I do you any favors??" his answers got easier for him as the time went on. He realized she wouldn't do anything that wasn't court ordered..... Asked her for a year to take the kids on a one weekend night one time ... didn't matter when and she could not accomodate ... her answer "take me to court" ok so he goes to court the judge orders every friday and saturday ... 3 months in ... she asks ... do you think he would take the kids on a saturday night???? I'd like to have one saturday night off to go out with friends....I said I know what his answers will be... what do you mean?? well he asked you for a year and your answers were .... "why should I do you any favors? and take me to court" so I could bet money those will be his responses to you for atleast a year. But you are certainly free to ask him.

And as far as my SM vision works ... if it had snowed 4 inches at IMA's and her hubby was supposed to pick up his DD come hell or high water if hubby wasn't there getting her BM would have flipped out so don't bother using the snow excuse some people just want everything their way or no way. And are only willing to accomodate themselves and no one else.

In Ima's situation BM (SM vision again) is supposed to pick the child up afterschool on a friday but calls most weeks to change the time to 6 pm or later because she doesn't want to drive alone the 2 hours to get her daughter so she waits for the BF to get home from work then makes the 2 hour trek. So pick up daughter at 6 after dinner of course. Then drives 2 hours back home if she stops along the way to visit her other child then its an even longer trip .... who is inconvienced there I would say it was the child 4 hours every weekend in a car. Wow that sounds like a lot of fun.

Its common courtesy to be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be. Say you took a second job on a friday night knowing your child(ren) were going to NCP's every weekend right from school. But then NCP starts calling well I can't get there til 6 pm do you quit your job? or do you tell NCP too bad I have to be somewhere figure out a way?

Or NCP is supposed to take the children to dinner on Wed nights... from 5 to 8 ok great so you decide to take a pottery class or whatever .... "knowing" you have adjusted your schedule around your children. Then NCP starts cancelling. Now you have already paid for the class in full no refunds. Do you tell NCP ok this one time but I am taking a pottery class or do you drop what you are doing to accomodate NCP?

BM does sound crazy, no doubt. But I think a lot of it could be avoided if the father would be the one to discuss drop off, pick up, accommodating, time etc A lot of this drama could be stopped if both parents would deal with it without delegating. IF DH wants to delegate his parental responsibility to his wife, then two women (current wife and ex wife or ex GF) find themselves in constant confrontation with each other. If one parent wants to change plans then the other one doesn't have to change his/hers, unless it is an amergency. In this case text messaging back and forth is unnecessary. If she continues bugging you the best answer is: call my DH and discuss it.

Oh been there cawfe, BM was 'supposed' to have the boys two weekends a month beginning at 4:30 with her picking them up and us picking them up on Sunday. She decides to take a job where she works every friday night till 8, and lets us know this change THE DAY OF AT 3:30 that she won't be picking them up after 8, in fact asked DH to come drop them off cause she was 'tired and didn't feel like driving' not only does that throw off our evening plans it also requires that I cook for two more people I hadn't counted on when I bought ingredients. If he said 'No' then we are unreasonable. Well he did say No, her reaction? 'Fine then I guess I'm not getting them'.

fine,

He did make the initial arrangement with BM. She didn't arrange the 11am pick up with me. She asked him, he asked me if it was ok, I said I would rearrange my day so he told her okay. I even had him call her the evening before to confirm it, because we had a problem a couple of weeks earlier. (she was almost two hours late then) and she "PROMISED" him she would be on time. If you look at the times on the text messages, It didn't dawn on me until half an hour later that she might be late. I realized that she had said 'it's snowing here' at 9:48am when she's supposed to be here at 11am... and it's an almost three hour drive. Besides just being late all the time, she will say 'I'll be there at six' but show up at seven or eight. Or once, said she'd be here at eight and got here at six thirty. and she did call him when she found out that I'm not going to sit at home all day waiting for her to get there when she felt like it. He can't take personal calls at work so she left that message on his voice mail. There would be no reason to say a word to each other if she did what she tells DH she's gonna do. I guess my frustration from her is that he's already changed the time. She 'claims' to have an emergency (the snow) and expects me to 'accommodate' her. I work from home and sometimes it's not a big deal, but that day I had a ton of work to get done that required me to drive to two other counties and at the very least would take four or five hours. If she had called me at 8 when she woke up and said 'there's snow, I'm gonna be late', then I could have gotten my work done in the morning, instead of doing paperwork at home and reading the Gardenweb. If I had waited for her to get there at 12:30, I wouldn't have gotten all my work done and the truth is, she didn't get there until after 1. It would have ruined my day. (and I think if she knew I was sitting at home, she would have taken her time even more. She probably drove a little faster because she was upset with me for not waiting for her.)

and cawfe, Yep, if she came on time and got her from school at 2pm, she'd be home when her BF got home from work. They could spend the evening with the kids (he gets his every other weekend) or just enjoy their evening on Friday. Instead, she was getting here at 6-9pm. That puts them home at 9pm-12am if they leave straight from here and don't stop. Add an hour for her to see her other daughter, so the whole night is spent driving instead of spending time together. And then I found out from her BF's ex wife that when BM was wanting to pick up SD in the evenings so her BF could come with her, they were leaving his kids with their grandparents so he could come with her. So, it was also interfering with his time with his kids.

and sieryn, She's already suggested that I bring SD to her on Fridays. She said that would be better because of the weather problems she keeps claiming to have. She lives just above a foothills area that might get snow that doesn't really stick. Literally one mile down the road, it won't snow so even if she did get snow, she has to drive about a mile to get to an area where it's clear roads the rest of the way. She's at 1700 ft. I guess that it would be easier (for HER) for me to drive her daughter to her... at least she'd be there on time! Then, we'd probably get a phone call on Sunday.. 'oh, I can't bring her back. Can you come get her?' and we'd have to since she goes to school here.

and there was no point in telling her his reason for not taking SD to her mom's. She denies that she leaves SD alone and would claim that an adult would be there. DH knows her mom works and won't take off time for SD. (She told us her mom would pick up SD from me if I got her from school for her. I called her mom and she told me she was at work and had told BM that already.) I repeat, BM is a pathological liar. She would prefer him to get her up early and take her to her mom's and leave her alone all day. Then if something happened to SD, who would be responsible? Him for leaving her or Her for not getting there on time? (She'd probably say she couldn't get there because of the weather so it's DH's fault for leaving her there!)