Hubby is a floor mat for SC & BM it makes me crazy!

19 years ago

I have my own little girl 10 and her father is remarried with his children from his 1st wife that I raised as his 2nd wife and now his 3rd wife has children too!! His wife and I are friends we have had our moments but normally we see eye to eye more then my exhubby and I do! But my new hubby has 3 children ages 15(SD), 13(SD), and 8(SS) who are absoulutely disrespectful to everyone and anyone who will let them be that way!!! So any way he left 8 yrs ago and started a new life with a new women and his ex and the children destroyed that realationship which I 100% understand but now he's with me and I had nothing to do with him leaving and they HATE me and resent me! The 13 SD lived with him & I for the last 2yrs and with him for 1yr before I was in the picture. At first it was bumbby but nothing that I couldn't deal with. This wasn't my first rodeo being a step-mom. The girls were doing everything that was typical of every SC but they have no respect for anyone because the BM is out of control she has never worked a day in her life and she lives VERY COMFORTABLE off of her CS because of his guilt for leaving he pays her dearly!!! And she never has anything nice to say about him or me go figure!! So basically he burries his head in the sand like an OSTRICH(sp?) and sticks his butt in the air which I would love to kick!! He will tell you that his children are out of control and have no respect for him or anyone. But he continues to give them anything or do anything that they ask for because he just can't tell them NO!!! But at the same time he can turn around to me and/or my daughther and tell us no because with us there is no guilt because he has always done everything right but he doesn't understand that he's not doing right by me or my daughter by allowing these things to go on!! How do you deal with a man that is overwhelmd by guilt??????

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Comments (4)

sweeby
19 years ago
Why do you think the other three wives left?
glad2behere
19 years ago
Sweeby has a good point. I know what you mean though. If you read my post you'll see my situation. I don't have a problem with the money aspect of things, it's my H giving his two grown 20 year old daughters' advice, help, advice, advice, three to four times a day (per girl) every day! He feels guilty for leaving them and moving to another state, so I know this is part of it. He also feels guilty because I have a daughter who is 15 now and I know his kids' are hurt that this is where he is choosing to live his life. But that was their dad's decision -- not mine. I wasn't even in the picture when the parents were divorced. Anyway -- I really don't know what to tell you because my H will put his head in the sand too, or worse yet, he'll agree with me that he has to stop listening to every complaint these girls have, yet he'll turn around and do the exact opposite. I tell him actions speak louder than words, but he just doesn't get it. It's pulling our marriage apart.
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Ok, to clarify, my issue is not what their rules are. Its the dont tell or your in trouble policy. This goes back to the inappropriate touching issue. My youngest DD in trouble for telling me that the step-sister had touched her inappropriately. Yes, call it nosey, call it controlling whatever, but when I get the "I'm not supposed to tell" speech that's when I get upset. THere is a history of I'm not supposed to tell stuff that has gone on. Getting in trouble specifically, the girls will figure that part out, and stay under the radar eventually. The kids are not allowed to call the OP and whine about being in trouble. That goes for both houses, so we are on the same page. Even if they did call their dad, I have nothing to hide and will not prevent them from telling their dad they are in trouble. TO KATHLINE, to answer you. Funny because as I was responding back to SM yesterday as she asked me what I thought of her parenting style. My thought was...well on one hand you are too lineant (sp) and then on the other have some really unreasonable strict that's how it is kind of rules. So how do you decribe that parenting style? Two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. She allows the girls to dress like tramps....that's not strict. But then has a rule that step-sisters cant be friends with each others friends. That doesnt make sense to me. They are all close in age and we live in a very small town. Too me...just doesnt make sense. Why can't they all be friends? Not that I'm gonna go discuss this with SM just my thought on the idea. Secondly regarding my son and his older friend. I never said anything while it was going on.... but after the fact, yes reminded him she was the one I warned him about in life before I sent him out on his way into the world. No I do not need to control my son's love life and havent. I will however tell him if I am concerned about something. Sometimes he listens, sometime he doesnt. As in the past I will always be there for him regardless if his choice is one I agreed with or not. He will eventually figure it out and luckily we have that type of relationship we can talk about this kind of stuff. Yes, I have been forced to deal with SM because EXH cannot take care of anything. Sooo this is the only way as parents we have been able to coordinate crap. I realized the other night how angry I actually am with EXH when he wouldnt talk to me. He's letting his wife handle everything, just like he let me handle everything when we were married. So her and I are left to deal with each other. I resent that a little bit I guess because he is still not being responsible for choice making, again! Yes, I do need to make some changes and that is what I am working on and hence the whole reason I put my foot down with SM. It really shouldnt be this difficult EVERY day! I am a very strong woman and for the sake of peacekeeping have turned the other cheek and bit my tongue more than you could imagine, I have tried to build a relationship with this woman which I thought was in the best interest of my children. Instead I have become the mat for her feet wiping and I'm done. Call it controlling if you want. I am taking my space back. Believe me, the less I have to hear from the otherhouse the better. I have a wonderful life right now with my husband, our new baby girl, my job, and my relationship with my kids. Everything else is great! I just have this rash....and it won't go away. So.....this forum is my venting space and I will not engage with her any longer other than one liners. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let this black cloud ruin my sunshine.
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jessegirl
19 years ago
Happily,

Your DH can't say no becuase he has guilt for breaking up his family, and "ruining" his kids lives. That is the perception they have of him. Actually, if he did leave his family for someone else, it's actually their reality. Not trying to be a jerk, just covering the facts. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.
Even if the marriage was over, and he didn't leave for another woman, men who leave relationships usually have guilt about it for a very long time, and in turn overcompensate with financial support, lavish gifts, etc. They feel they have to make it up to their children. Especially if they initiated the break up.
I can't see that there's much that you can do to help this out. Kids of divorced parents learn very early on how to maniupulate the situation to get what they want. You really can't blame them. Life as they know it was ripped out from underneath them. They sometimes have deep resentments towared the parent who "left" because it changed their lives. I'm not saying it's OK; it's just how it is. Also, since their BM is out of control and they live with her, I wouldn't expect them to fall into line very easily with you or Dad. All they know is what's been modeled by their parents.
If they are seriously awful to you when they visit, and your husband doesn't correct it, then I would suggest making yourself scarce when they are around, and let your husband know. Something like..."listen, if the kids are going to be awful to me, I expect you to get it under control. If you won't, then I will not be around while they are here. I won't take that abuse from them. I don't take it from you or my daughter, and I won't take if from them."
I hope this helps.
happilyevermom
Original Author
19 years ago
It has been a while since I posted and thank you very much for reading and understanding my situation. There was a little confusion the husband that has/had three wives is my EX hubby and he is remarried currently to his third wife not my hubby. I'm my hubby's second, and all is great except for the obivious. Well it's funny because before I read your post"jessegirl" thats the stance I took with him and his kids. The youngest came for a week and it was wonderful he is 8 and when his older sister(the evil ones) aren't around all is right with the world. Unfoutunately he is influenced by his older sisters and thankfully he has a stepmom that understands that and loves him dearly. So, any way his dad and I had the best time that we've ever had with him and my hubby actually got to see that it was his older girls that would cause all of the friction in our home and he said that he doesn't want them around if that is the way they are going to be and I'm very thankful for some relief!! I hope it lasts!!! Well bye for now and talk to you soon!!

Hubby is a floor mat for SC & BM it makes me crazy!

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sweeby

glad2behere

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Hubby is a floor mat for SC & BM it makes me crazy!

Comments (4)

sweeby

glad2behere

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