Our first names. I called my MIL ’Mama Ellen’ and FiL was Pop, which was what his grandkids and some of his kids eventually called him.

I think by the first name is best, I always felt weird when trying to call my in-laws Mom or Dad, it just didn't feel right.

OP, I agree with @Elmer J Fudd - what has your new s-i-l been calling you? If it was formal Mr & Mrs I get why you might consider changing to a more familial & comfortable form of address but seems that would’ve come up when daughter became engaged. Why not open a conversation about it as maybe he might not be comfortable with your choice. FWIW, my husband called my parents by their first names. He had a great & close relationship with them. I didn’t call his parents anything - didn’t live around them & both died within first 10 years of our marriage & no grandkids. I had met both of them but not a close family on husband’s side unlike mine.

My MIL was "Given Name" until DS was born. Then each grandmother was "Grandma Given Name". Our DIL calls us Mom and Dad -- and I still have a hard time realizing she's addressing *me* twenty years in! DIL's parents are Polish American. Grands call them Busia and JaJa and we are Grandma and Grandpa -- G & G on a card or gift.

The real question is not what to call your 'opposite numbers', your adult child's in-laws, but how to refer to them in conversation with other people. We are all "Given Name" to one another, but just who are they when you explain the relationship? Are these our DS's in-laws or our DIL's parents? There should be a special name. We could be one another's Outlaws.

We are called by our first names by DIL. Both of us did the same with our own in-laws.

The special name needed for relationships such as the two (or more) sets of parents-in-law? We know an Afghan American family and they (in Urdu) do have names for that and for so many other family relationships. Like, maybe there is a word for "my maternal male second cousin's oldest son-in-law."

Elmer. To clarify, DD just became engaged this past year after being with her now fiance for years.

Further after years if calling me E, why change it just because are getting married.

ETA, there are couples who get engaged and stay that way for years.

I invented an entirely new name…Tootsie. My grand kids now call me tootsie or Toots. I love it when they say “ thanks Toots”!

All non-children relatives call me by my nickname which is only used by my family.

"there are couples who get engaged and stay that way for year's"

Real engagements are rarely longer than 12-18 months. In my experience, couples who get engaged and stay that way for years are not really "engaged" as that term is usually used. When used in those situations, and often also with the term fiancé, it's can be a euphemism with the intended message "Yes, we're living together and any details or future plans we do or don't have are none of your business". Or, the term comes into use when one of the two wants to get married, the other isn't ready or sure about it, and it's used to placate the situation. But not always.

It doesn't take forever to set a date and plan for whatever if anything is to be done for a wedding. If there's uncertainty about moving forward and a reluctance to finalize plans, there's no reason to set a date or to consider oneself engaged to someone else. That's my view.

In case it matters, no, I don't have outdated or traditional/conservative views of this practice.

" our parents did not permit us to call adults by first names."

Same here.

I volunteer to read to 4-year-old pre-K's every Wednesday morning. They are instructed to call me "Mr. Joe", which I like very much.

You may all call me Mr. Joe.

FWIW, he calls me Mrs "S". we have a long last name. i just feel like its too formal. my DH, forever the jokester, wants to be called Daddy, hehe.

Our SIL has a great sense of humor, as we all do, so we all got a roaring laugh over that!

still undecided. i guess i am a little old fashioned. as a child, we never called adults by their first names out of respect for your eldders and i don't feel comfortable with that. i don't feel comfortable with "mom" either. i called my MIL 'mom" and hated it after a couple years. she was a very difficult person with the whole family which made it very uncomfortable for me to call her mom - since she was not in no way shape or form - to anyone. i just stopped calling her anything.

KW, i did ask him and he said whatever i want... ugh

still thinking.....

thanks everyone!!

Our son in law calls us by our first names, which is how we were originally introduced.

The grandkids call us Grandma and Grandpa ; sometimes with first name added.

The other Grandma goes by Bubbe. Her husband (SIL's Dad) passed away and grandson is named for him. Bubbe has since remarried and her husband goes by his first name.

Arcy- if I understand what you are asking re outlaws- we do have a word for it in Yiddish and Hebrew origin- Machatumin.Machatunim. Apparently there is also a Spanish word, consuegros but I am not certain if it covers the same broad definitions

First names.

DIL calls me mom...SILs call me my first name.

My child isn't married. But their girlfriend calls me mom. She has an entirely horrible mom, so I'm happy to be her surrogate mom.

We picked the names to call each other and everyone is fine with them. You know

the old saying.... "Call me anything, just don't call me late for dinner"? (not sure who

said that originally).

uptown, I don't know who said it originally, but my mommy always said it. You made me smile!

Lars, In Texas, common law marriage doesn't have a time constraint. Just so you know ;)

@sprtphntc7a Are your future s-i-l ’s parents in his life? If yes, what does or will your daughter be calling them? Maybe that will help. Do you have other children who might be married in future? Assuming no other married children exist now as you’d already have this settled but if there will be more marriages, whatever you come up with now will affect them later. Whatever you decide on - if grandchildren enter your family, he’ll likely start calling you whatever the grands call you!

@Joseph Corlett, LLC Mr. Joe! I have to tell you that reading your post made me want to hug you just a little bit! The much respected Houzz sink and countertop expert has a serious soft side - who knew? 😊

Before our son and DIL married, I’d heard and read stories about how so many new in-laws stressed so much about what to call their new FIL and MIL, sooooo I just told our so to be new DIL, ”You call us whatever you feel most comfortable with, our first names, or Mom & Dad. We sincerely don't care which. We just want you to feel comfortable with it.” She thanked me profusely for bringing it up and giving her options.

I went to school with a family of 8 kids with a dad who was a very rigid, strict disciplinarian, and also he and his wife were relatively old when they started having kids. But the parents agreed that as soon as their kids could talk they called their parents by their first names, and when they had their own kids they also called their grandparents by their first names. They did call other peoples' parents Mr or Mrs.

I was so indoctrinated into calling my parents' friends," Mr. and Mrs.____ with the exception of a couple "Aunt or Uncle___ non relatives, that I found my self nearing middle age still having trouble calling them by their first names and reverting to Mr, or Mrs. which annoyed some of them. So I ended up calling some of them nothing, just addressing them directly without calling them anything. This was totally my awkwardness, but there it is

Thanks for sharing, Mr Joe. I am a fan of your honest and informative posts and this just reinforces your kindness and humanity. I was first called Miss “L” when we moved to Texas years ago. It’s a great title and very versatile. I still use it when being introduced to new children of all ages, and it’s been well received from the East Coast to the West Coast and overseas.

Pals story reminded my that my DS2 who could be a precocious little thing started calling me by my first name when he was about 9 or 10. His reasoning was that everyone else calls me by my first name so why can't he. My reasoning (this kid always needed a reason) was that anyone can call me by my first name - strangers, people I don't like, etc - but only two people in the entire world can call me mom and that was him and his older brother. And that to me was very special. He never called me by my name again.

So I guess the title of mom is special to me so calling my MIL that was never going to happen.

I called my MIL "Milly" and my FIL "Filly." I was joking around and they liked it. The rest of the family adopted the names too. I guess if I had a SIL, she would have been "Silly." LOL

My DDIL calls me by my first name. I called my husband’s parents by their first names. I’ll add a little story: my DS was a 4.5 yo when his younger sister was born. After we brought her home from the hospital, he called me by my first name for about six months. Perhaps it helped him adjust to no longer being the only child in my lap….It still makes me lol. I allowed it, I didn’t really mind, although I mildly preferred being called mom. We have always been close. He tried it with his dad, too, but my DH put a stop to it immediately, for the same reasons stated above.

There's another aspect to this that just occurred to me, triggered in part by blfenton's wise comment.

One's children's partners and spouses are not one's children. And so neither are you or I or anyone else in their lives their parent, other than their own parents.

So start from the beginning with a clear slate- along comes an adult that your child has a relationship with that is important to them. What do you call them, what do they call you? Why would it be other than a given name or a nickname?

I'm not trying to argue with you elmer but here's another way to think of it-I was brought up that whether my sister was adopted, or I had a biological sister they were both my sisters. I considered my sister-in-law my sister by marriage. Nonetheless, they are all my "sisters". I don't bother making any further distinction, because they're my family.

I would think of my child's girlfriend as my daughter by marriage, in much the same way, should she ever become my daughter by marriage. She's still family.

I called my inlaws by their first names. My father-in-law invited me to call him Dad but I just kept forgetting. I finally had a chat with him about how much he meant to me, but that I had a block on the Dad for some reason. My husband called my mother mom and he called my Dad by his first name. My parents were diviorced and that was their individual preference. Funny as my Dad was a much warmer person.

My son-in-law calls me mom, I let him know him that he could call me mom or my first name, whatever he preferred.

I don’t have daughters-in-law yet and my dear parents-in-law have passed away, but when they were alive, I called them mom & dad, and would never have called them by their first names. Before their son and I were married, I addressed them as Mr. & Mrs., same as any of my friends’ parents. To this day I can’t bring myself to call any of my friends’ parents by their first names.

Since the kids call me by name and their friends and swethearts so far have, I would imagine their mates would call me by name as well. They are of my current husbands first marriage, so they have always called me by name since they were kids.

rob, you should think of it however you like but I don't think your view is a common one for "new" relationships of others that bring new people "into your life" when you're well into your adult years.

I'm very glad I'm not well into the adult years if that's what happens when one must accept "new" relationships. Just because you don't find it a particular view that you agree with, does not mean it is uncommon. Maybe it should be more common, if it is not.

Accepting people, and being loving towards them because it makes your family members (and them ) happy, cannot possibly be wrong.

Your 75 year old widowed mother met Fred (of a similar age) at her retirement community and after some time they got married.

A few months later, you're at a social event, standing in a crowd talking to your friend Mary. Fred's son Bill, whom you met once and who's around your age, walks up to say Hi. You'd say "Mary, this is my brother Bill"? Baloney but fine. I think it would be more likely to expect a comment like this instead: :"Mary, do you remember I mentioned that my mother recently married Fred, a gentleman she met where she lives? This is Fred's son, Bill."

Give it a rest. You are well into your adult years. As I said, if you think it's otherwise, that's fine. I don't think your view is a common one.

Dear lord in heaven. I opened this thread expecting a sweet and lighthearted conversation. That it reached "give it a rest" level is so ridiculous as to be funny!

I'm just grateful for his lack of input on eyebrows and cosmetics...

It would be odd if my mom got remarried at his point. But if she did and her mate had kids, I would call them my stepsiblings. I would say to Mary "Mary, this is my stepbrother Bill". If Bill was married to Diane, I would introduce her as my stepsister in law. It's the same terms I've been using for decades for the siblings of my dads second marriage.

KW, to your question: yes, they are in his life, so good thought to ask what she will call her. She already calls his dad AP, his intials. but i will ask her what she is calling his mom.

she is our first to get married. DS getting married sept. "23.....

beesneeds: agree! ^^^ i do the same.

Beesneeds, I think the terms step-brother or -sister imply a shared childhood household experience and familiarity that wouldn't apply to someone whose affiliation took place when all concerned were adults. I've never heard it used in the situation you described, someone using the "step-" identification like that. "Step-sister in law" is really way out there and confusing to hear/awkward. Maybe that's just my anecdotal observations of others.

I do have eyebrow and cosmetic opinions, seagrass. Simple and applicable to all - "Less is more".

"I'm just grateful for his lack of input on eyebrows and cosmetics..."

And fun dress conversations. Not that I would pay attention to any of those comments. 😜

I agree on the step-whatevers seeming overcomplicated. Nobody cares if it’s a STEP-sister-in-law; I don’t think our friends carry around copies of my family tree to doublecheck exact relationships.

Reminds me of a former supervisor I had. Every time he told me something about his brother ”John,” he’d say John was his ADOPTED brother. As if John wasn’t as good as his biological brother, ”Tom.” That didn’t sit well with me.

Sometimes you do need to be specific: I know someone whose mother is now married to her uncle and father married to her aunt. She has step siblings who are her cousins, and there are half siblings who have resulted from the second marriages. Her mom is her aunt, her dad is her uncle, her aunt is her is her stepmother and so on.

Yikes, not a particularly classy family, that one.

Or maybe they're perfectly lovely humans whose circumstances are simply unknown to you.

Actually yeah, she was a very nice person. Parts of our city are very neighborhood-y and kind of insular, and they had all grown up together, they may have dated each other in adolescence, something like that, and then they eventually ended up remarrying. I don't think it was a spontaneous switching partners thing that happened all at once. They all more or less get along I think.

I was just aware of it because in a clinical setting when she was seeing them as patients, her (biological) mom (who she called "mom") would come in with her uncle, and her dad would come in with Aunt___.

It just needed to be explained because in that setting in particular it was kind of confusing. And there are probably other situations like this where it would need to be clarified.

I’ve been married for 30 years and still don’t know what to call my fil, so I never call him anything and just patiently wait for eye contact to start a conversation. Very sad situation for me and I wish someone would have said something to me. If anything, just let your childrens spouses know what you prefer or have the conversation.

"

" I wish someone would have said something to me "

This is an easily resolved situation, it's in your hands. Find occasion to call him by his first name (as everyone else likely does) and move on. There was no need for you to have agonized over this for so long. Good luck.

They either call me by my first name or by my grandmother name.

My in-laws were immigrants from Italy and I was engaged to their only son. I was in a dilemma and only 18, what should I call them??? Hello Mr. and Mrs. noooo. I couldn't even say their long first names so I decided to ask his mother and she said, with a strong Italian accent," no no no you no calla me anything until you have a bambino and then call us Nonni and Paaapaaa and so I did. She and I got very close, she had a very difficult life as a child. Her mother and six children all died of Spanish flu and she was only ten and sent to an orphanage. Her story is hard but amazing too. God love you, Nonni.

Yaya, that goes to show every instance is unique. We can only do what we can do.