It wasn't all that complicated Carla, so I'll list it here -- and I'm only suggesting it for someone married to a narcissist. 1. A narcissist will need to feel like he's won, so my best advice is don't even waste your time trying to "take him to the cleaners" or "make him pay," because to "win" in the traditional monetary sense, you would have to spend more time, money and emotional energy on lawyers than you could imagine. And since most narcissists are so good with their 'public faces,' you are unlikely to be able to convince the judge that they're awful unless you have aLOT of hard evidence. The differance between a "fair" and "you-win" settlement is not likely to be big enough money to change your life. So go for FAIR - not more. Go for half of the marital assets, your state's "standard" support arrangements, and a pleasant, quick, settlement. He will *need* to be able to walk away feeling like he's won. Remember that for you, walking away IS winning. 2. Since he will need to feel like he's won, find out what it is that will let him feel this way. Realize that it *might not* be anything you would even want. It'll probably be something visible - might be money, the house, the 'good' car, artwork, furnishings, even certain child custody provisions that preserve the appearance of him being a good dad. You'll need to know what he wants, and if it's something that's not particularly important to you, don't tip off your hand that you don't care about it. Again, it's not so much that he needs to win -- it's that he needs to be able to *feel* like he won. Let him "win" something visible, and make a loud and visible show of him winning-you losing. (You know how much he likes that.) 3. Deep down, most narcissists feel really lousy about themselves. At some level, they feel they are worthless frauds, and this is why they work so hard to buff up their public images. In my opinion, their greatest fear at this point in time is that you will somehow reveal to the world what a fake they really are. So don't do it! This will be very difficult because you will probably have years of pent-up anger at your abuser, and venting that anger is cathartic. But make a list, build a file, gather your evidence and ammunition -- anything that would embarass him to the world and invalidate the picture he tries to paint. (sexual performance issues are biggies, social embarassments, career slights) Then sit on it. Tell him that all you want is a FAIR settlement with no mudslinging public trial that allows you both to walk away with your DIGNITY, SELF-RESPECT and PRIVACY intact. Let him act like it's you who would be embarassed if all your secrets came tumbling out, because that's important to him. But realize that if you expose him to the world as a fraud (like the world cares!), you've blown your best weapon. That's my two cents --

Agree with the other posts. Why the he// do you stay with someone who, according to you, is wonderful, loving and generous with everyone else including his (not related to him) friends and employees, and treats you and your child like carp? And who expects you to pay for pretty well everything as well as doing all the housework? You're not only a skivvy, but a skivvy who supports this ingrate and enables him to be Mr Generosity to everyone else. I'd be moving back to my place and cutting all ties with this creep. You say you want your children to have a father, but this guy surely cannot possibly be the father you wanted for them, one who gives them the example that Mom is the household slave and who ignores them (forgetting to pick up one from day care???) in favour of others. You may not get child support but then it won't be an unfamiliar situation- you're not getting it now. This guy isn't a husband and father, he's a millstone. Time to slip your neck out of the hole, breathe free and have the chance to find someone who appreciates you, if that's what you want.

Mascara! Get out of this relationship RIGHT NOW! I'm sorry to sound harsh. But, Mascara, I'm not telling you anything you don't know when I say that this is going nowhere fast. There is nothing in it for you. I don't care if the guy looks like Johnny Depp, thinks like Einstein, loves you like Romeo, has money like Bill Gates, and sings like Frank Sinatra -- there is nothing to look forward to here but disaster. STOP focusing on distractors like - whether he is inconsistent with regard to his son - whether the mom is to blame, lazy, irresponsible, inconsiderate, radioactive, purple or polka-dotted! She is completely irrelevant. - whether he is fair or right or wrong in preferring, in any sense, his son's needs to yours You are focusing on all this stuff to avoid looking at what you know you really need to: what is in the future for you. That's human nature; everyone does it. It's so much easier to think about blame and fault and chances and clues in remarks than to look at the harsh facts. But you have to get past it. (Some people never do -- they are pathetic at best and self-destructive at worst.) For a while there you were on the right track, but it sounds like you've backslid a bit. That's okay, but it's time to get back to the hard work of ending this. I think you know that. I think that's why you posted here. It's just too hard to tell yourself this (also human nature), so you came here for us to do it for you. That's okay, too. (I have to say I have been wondering where your own mother has been.) But, honey, you really have to get out of this mess. That little family has enough major problems without having to worry about your (very legitimate) 19 year old needs and insecurities, and you have enough on your plate without having to deal with - a very sick little boy -- and by the way, 6 years old is PLENTY old enough to be aware of whether his father is there for him. - an unreliable boyfriend (with an alcohol problem and a broken foot) - his ex-girlfriend You are more than entitled to be thinking about your own needs -- indeed, that's what everyone here has been telling you. But you are NOT entitled to expect everyone else to put your needs first all the time, and especially not right now: there is a 6 year old boy undergoing a kidney transplant! His parents will need -- for quite a long time -- to focus 100% on him and what will help him and make him the most comfortable -- whether it is more or less convenient for one of them or whether he has a broken foot, and even if it is totally unfair to you. Even if he were married with 3 more kids, his wife and kids would have to take the backseat right now; indeed, they should pitch in. If he ditches that sick child to go drinking with his friends, that's awful; but it's hardly less awful to do so to be with his girlfriend. I think the thing holding you back is what you said in an earlier post, that you don't want to give up while there is still a little shred of good in this relationship. Big mistake. And also a very common one. (Goes for quitting a job, moving, changing a major, etc., too, not just relationships, by the way). But when it's time to move on, you move on, even though there are indeed some great things remaining in the situation or relationship. That's what makes it so hard -- if it were all already 100% bad, it would be easy. But think about it: would you enter a situation that was only 25% good? Even 50% or 75%? Then why stay in one? You know what to do. It seems you just needed someone to tell you to do it. So reread all these posts if you need that push. (The fact that you two have had some nice times lately doesn't change anything; the problem was never that he was an ogre.) He is not speaking to you; he may actually be the one to end things. If he does, that may even make it easier in the end. Again, I'm sorry to sound harsh. I really am in your corner. This is exactly what I would tell my own daughter. Good luck to you -- we are all rooting for you.

Animals are smarter than people think. I've had several renal kitties. One lived to 21. To me there are 3 possible reasons for the lap phase: warmth, closer to her people, or coming to the brains-in-the-bunch for help. As I've said elsewhere, I don't think the renal diets make for a life worth living. Wet food will help - whatever kitty will eat. A potassium supplement will help. There are powders that are palatable. Miralax is great for the constipation. Renal cats have tremendously acid tummies, which can cause nausea and vomiting. Regular (NOT the extra strength) Pepcid AC (famodidine) will help. Your vet can work with Falcon Pharmacy or MediPets to compound into flavored gel treats so that you don't have to shove pills into kitty. The nausea can make kitty feel terrible and if left untreated, kitty can get ulcers in the throat and mouth. For one cat, I kept a syringe of an anti-nausea drug for emergencies. (My DH is like yours in being difficult about euthanasia, so I've been through some end stage scenarios that wouldn't have happened if the cat had been mine.) At some point SubQ fluids do help kitty feel better. DH's cat from hell wanted everyone dead but him. Fortunately, she wasn't aggressive because she was dangerous. When she felt horrible, she came to me. Even let me give her SubQ fluids without a fuss. Go figure. DH said she knew who was the brains-in-the-bunch. I have a phobia about needles, but I was apparently put on this earth to serve the felines... If you want to try my homemade food, PM me.