Resenting my older spouse who refuses to make is 19 year grow up.

lenadawn87

I live with my older spouse, his teenager and my preteens. He will fight me tooth and nail over his kid. He doesn't hold her to any responsibly and she does whatever she wants. I can't say anything but listen. When I chime in, he flips on me and said's I am always picking on or tattle telling on his daughter. No way I would do that! I'm just so sick of him PARENTING ME instead of his own kid. I hate how he doesn't get her to do more around the house, get a job, make some plan for her future! What 19 year old wants to live with their parent for the rest of their lives?? I know one. One who doesn't have to pick up after herself, works like a 14 yr old doing a few hours a week and "Daddy" is always giving her money. I need advice on how to talk about this or even handle it within myself. I will not be in my 40's cleaning up and doing another adults laundry and choirs while they hang out with friends and date and live under my roof, always on my dime. My kids are so different. They want more for themselves. Travel. They have goals. They were picking up after themselves and helping with their choirs at a very young age. After the 1st two years of all of us living together, they resent her for being so lazy and actually feels at peace when she goes out with friends. My 11 yr old had to ask her to pick up after herself in the bathroom because the children share a bathroom. That's embarrassing! It's ruining my relationship. I try to talk to her but she just blows it off. I try to talk to him but he feels like I am attacking her. It's getting ridiculous. Any advice would be wonderful.

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colleenoz

First, decide if this is the hill you want to die on. Is this situation continuing a deal breaker- ie, will you leave the relationship if the behaviour continues?

Stop doing anything for the 19 yo. Don't cook for her, don't do her laundry, nada, though you may have to tidy the bathroom for your own kids' sake. Keep your money in your own bank account so if Dad wants to give her money it's his own. Does your DH contribute to household bills?

Go to a good counsellor, with or without your DH. Preferably with, so you can discuss the issue with an independent person who may get your DH to see the issue from your POV. But if without, the counsellor may have some ideas or strategies you can try.

I wish you luck.

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lenadawn87

Thank you for your reply. I have my own bank account now too. He only pays the house payment and his personal bills. I pay all the utilities, groceries, household items such as everything from cleaning supplies to bathroom items. I also pay for the entertainment (internet,cable, netflix, amazon prime video) When you come down to it, it's not really fair but I try to pick my battles. We recently got into an argument because I repeatedly asked her to take care of something and she blew me off. When I went to her Dad he said HE WOULD do it instead of getting her to have any responsibly! So I said he was enabling her from growing up. That resulted in him saying to her to do what i asked so "I'll shut the f*** up about it." He then told me he don't want me to be a parent to her. So it's OK to support and provide financially but i can not "raise" her. I'm starting to feel this relationship is a joke and I am being used. I spent the evening in silence while they didn't speak to me. I feel I would be more at peace if I take my kids and let this go. I'll seek some outside help because I really need ideas on how to react to them both differently. I hate I wear my emotions on my face.

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colleenoz

It certainly does sound like you're being used. I can't believe your husband doesn't pay for half of the utilities, groceries, entertainment etc. And to take that attitude towards you with his daughter shows who he thinks is more important. Hint: it's not you.

While you're looking for a counsellor I'd suggest looking for as lawyer as well.

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Bluebell66

There are two teams here, and you and your husband are not on the same one. Them not speaking to you is not okay, especially your husband. I've always heard contempt is the biggest reason people split - well, it seems your husband is showing contempt for you in a number of ways. I'm sorry. If it were me, this IS the hill I would die on.

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