any way to make a stepson grow up and be responsible for himself?

16 years ago

My stepson is two months younger than me. His father and I have been inseperable we are best friends. Only one problem, my stepson, this kid is the second of four children. the other three have all grown up to be responsible adults and do well for themselves. As far as I know, this one has never had a job for more than three months. Every year he has to move in because he's broke and has no place to stay then when he gets income tax refund he'll mmove out till he gets evicted for not paying rent again. Oh yeah with him comes 3 & 7 year old children whose mother run off out of state years ago. His father won't see any wrong in this child his favorite son.

I have had my home destroyed my belongings pawned, our vehicles wrecked, and our finances drained. He will not take responsibility for himself, will he ever? Any suggestions? I'm ready to run. If i could take my heart with me I would have already.

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Comments (10)

plasticgarden
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yikes...sounds like a really bad situation.Have you tried not being so nice with your husband and telling him that you cant take any more and if it continues you will leave?

If you and your husband are as close as you say,I doubt he'd want to lose you.So just be honest.Tell him whether or not HE THINKS IT'S WRONG,that you are at a point where you will no longer tolerate it.
if_i_had_only_known
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
what is he to do? He created this monster. Can't throw his grandkids out on the street. Stuck in between a rock and a hard place, the hard place uses kids as a weapon. He knows I won't take much more but he sees no way out. The stepson knows this, he knows those kids are the only reason he is allowed to stay. Hell he lost the kids last year for two months to DHR for failing drug tests. If only we could get rid of him and keep the kids. I hate to leave my husband stuck with all this but I don't think I can take much more, I do all their dishes (tried not doing them I found them under stuff growing mold) I do their laundry (tried not doing it but he broke two washers one drier and lets them pile up in the gueat bath till they mildew) I do their shopping (or the kids would have to do without if we give him money it won't be spent on what it should) these kids are the ones that are getting the ruff end of it and I guess that makes me hate him even worse, They are expected to sleep nine to ten hours at night and then lay in the bedroom floor all day watching TV no playing outside or teaching them numbers if i try to do anything with them I'm interfeering with his parenting, They don't do anything wrong, these are good, exceptionally well behaved children for their ages. three year olds need supervising, they don't realize what can cause an ouch or what is okay, the older one goes to school and actually cries if they are out of school, We don't want to put them out (just him) If he would make any effort to help himself but he doesn't, what is a father to do in that situation, I'm not biologically related so there's little i can do, If I give an ultimatum that could leave me feeling guilty for the rest of my life should something happen to the kids.
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Ok...I don't have teenagers (yet!) and after reading this I might lock them in closets between 13 & 18 (just kidding *LOL*) but truthfully. I've worked with teenagers and agree that some of this is just where they are emotionally (if you remember - it was an awkward time!), some of this is his issues with his parenting (mom leaving, dad making little to no effort), part of this is his testing your love for him. (Ever read the children's book "mama do you love me?" it is all about that test of love for children.) But part of me thinks that you have allowed a level of disrespect from him in the past 4 years and still given him things that please him. Children have the ability to change their behavior parent-according. Like Alstep's SK knowing that dad is a marine who would never tolerate such behavior. I'm strict so my SS(s) pull less with me than with other parental figures (BM, Grandparents...etc.) It is hard to correct behavior that probably should have been nipped in the bud years ago but I would still try. I agree with all the previous posts in that aspect. He is not a lost cause. Most importantly, however, is exactly what others have said. Your DH needs to step up and instead of thinking "this is magically going to change when SS leaves" you need to be thinking "this needs to change now." This is not going to sound very nice but DH's "let you deal it" attitude is a form of disrespect as well. After all - this is HIS biological child - it is MORE his problem than yours (that is not to say that you didn't sign-on as a mom when you married a full custodial parent but I really feel like DH was burnt out on being a dad so when you came into the picture he used you as his vacation from parenting.) I've seen this behavior before. Knowing that you will step up and do what needs to be done has taken a weight off of him (and unjustly put it on you!) And you have allowed it (while secretly brewing resentment and frustration for the past 4 years since you unknowingly volunteered to be a single parent in a marriage.) You need to talk to DH and let him know that parenting needs to be a SHARED adventure (which is sometimes a shared headache!) You may see better results with a counselor because things that are "objective" coming from a third party are "personal" coming from your spouse. Although you have put all of this stress and frustration on your SS ("I hate him"), it is not REALLY about him or his behaviors. It is about the fact that you feel alone in a no-win situation and would like a little help from the other parent in your home. You, and every parent on the planet (biological, step or adoptive) needs respite! Respite can come in the form of what I call "daddy duty" when I just NEED to sleep in, be alone in a store, or have a "girls night out" (we've obviously got littler ones.) It is joint-parenting. I'm very fortunate that my DH and I agree on discipline and that he is very intuitive to my needs. He seems to know when I'm being pushed to the brink and he steps up to relieve me saying "I've got it this time". You are lucky that you are married (I don't know how single parents do it!) You need to UNITE with your spouse and decide how you are going to handle this situation TOGETHER. It is not fair that you probably feel like a single mom who never even gave birth. (My DH is great but I've felt that way myself. Luckily, when I voiced it, he was receptive to it but he wasn't always as instinctive as he is now!) You MAY be frustrated with your SS's behavior but he is NOT the center of this problem. And won't it suck when he leaves in three years and the problem doesn't go with him! Has dad ever given him just dad-son time? It seems to me that this boy is crying out to be acknowledged by his father. He is becoming a man and wants to know how. Your DH needs to show you more respect by stepping up to his responsibilities as an example to his son. If Dad doesn't take on responsibility and doesn't show you respect, why should he? SS could also be anticipating the destruction of a marriage here (he doesn't need to know that you don't make love to know something isn't right!) Maybe your DH could discuss having a weekend fishing trip (or something) with just he and SS but that SS has to earn it by following the rules, doing his homework, and being respectful. There HAS to be something that SS does "care" about. Has DH ever sat down and talked to SS about what he is so down about? Can you level with him at all?
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kev111 - boy do I feel for you, I feel your pain! I live with a guy and his 18 years old son. We have lived together for a little over 1 year but have been friends for about 5 years. The story with the son is that my BF received full custody 4 years ago because BM could not handle him and her husband said it's me or him so off to dad the kid went. The kid had quite a nice life with mom - golf lessons, baseball, football, every electronic known to man but the kid is one of these who wants it all without having to do anything for it. Plus the son was not allowed to see his father for 1 year because the son made an abuse claim to a psychiatrist. This kid is a mess and no one deals with it. When I first moved in he cursed and screamed about everything at everyone including me. I would like to say I provoked the outbursts but I always tried to smile and be happy (it was the beginning of a new relationship) but the kid's attitude is horrendous. No respect for anyone, used to take my stuff use it return and not care whose it was. The theory he liked the best was it's my house not yours yet I live there...what logic. He also smokes pot, in the house, and has been caught doing this a number of time (plus outside in our backyard). He has become a slob in the main part of the house by not doing anything (and I mean anything). When the son got caught dealing drugs the parents sat down, figured out how to get rid of all paraphenalia and then took him out and bought him a great new cell phone (BM actually took him for that weekend). His father does not hand down any punishments at all - no reprecussions for any action. If the son curses at me like he did recently for taking his flip flop out of the hall closet (I thought they were his dad's since I hadn't seen anyone wearing them in a year) his father asks if I yelled back - he doesn't get mad that his son is being so disrespctful. His father and I cook for him, we can't make any arrangments with friends immediately after work because we have to go home first to feed his son or give him money for food even tho we have a freezer full of food. He spits, throws cigarettes wherever he wants, throws food on the front lawn because he just doesn't care. My BF does nothing, he cleans up after him, fixes his car because the 18 yr old doesn't want to work, also the son is still in High School and hopefully will graduate in June (unfortunately there is no guarantee). I know I am all over the place with descriptions but I am at my wit's end and reay to just move out. I don't have the ability to say to him it's me or the kid but something has to give and the BF does nothing. He used to get mad and yell at him and now there is no yelling, no frustration, nothing except the BF getting mad at me if I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, etc. because he feels like I am not pulling my weight yet videodrone gets away with doing nothing at all. Now, I yell over everything and have been told that if my yelling doesn't stop I can get out. I feel like since I knew him and I knew the son I should not have assumed that I could magically change things so now I just feel like I am losing a man who really has a big heart because of his son. I can relate with your current circumstances, if you figure out what to do please let me know because I would love to be able to get past this but right now leaving is my only option.
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sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The first thing to realize is that you are NOT a stepmom.
You may be Dad's wife, and even the law may say otherwise, but when it comes down to brass tacks, you're NOT a stepmom.
The age difference is just too ridiculous for you to take on any type of maternal or authoritarian role, so *don't even try*

What you *can* reasonably do is to insist that anything that belongs to you be treated with the same respect that any other person's property would get. No more. No less. That means your house doesn't get trashed and your belongings don't get hocked. If it were your husband's friend instead of his son, you would insist that he not put up with it, and that's a reasonable way to approach the issue now.

I absolutely would not put yourself in any sort of "deserve respect as your wife" position since Sonny could have a field day with that position.

But better yet -- Run! Dad should know by now and should have instituted limits long ago. If he still won't do it, then cut your losses an move on to a guy with a LOT less baggage.
plasticgarden
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"If only we could get rid of him and keep the kids"

So then have your husband tell him he cant stay but his kids can.Sounds like the kids would be better off with you anyways being as their father is so unstable.
It's time for your husband to try some tough love with his son.He needs to get his act together for the sake of his children.

It may be hard to hear,but your husband is just enabling him.If he really cares about these children then he will stop trying to be his friend and be his parent.
if_i_had_only_known
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What I was hoping for was that someone here might have a different approach or angle that could open this boys eyes and make him want to be a good father and be more responsible for his family, thanks for listening
it helped just to share
quiet_one
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
SS doesnt have a reason to change his behavior, not as long as he can stay at your place.

If this were happening to me, I would ask DH to move out and maintain his own household with this family. When the family disappears, DH can come back home. I couldnÂt be trapped in the Cinderella role with people hocking my possessions and breaking household equipment.

I think Alcohol Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous could help you in recognizing what you can and cannot control. Those organizations help families with destructive behaviors, not necessarily only related with alcohol or narcotics.
plasticgarden
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If he would have had any reason to change it would have been when his kids were born.
Lots of people are irrespnsible when young,that is nothing new.But when you have kids that is supposed to change.

I'm sorry if I had only known,but you cant make people change.Stepson has to wise up on his own or it's no good.
You guys keep bailing him out,he doesnt have to,and the pattern continues.
I really feel sorry for his children.Moving them back and forth has got to be really hard on them.I hope you find the answers you are looking for....but I still think that will never happen without tough love.Some people just dont know when to stop.
kathline
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
if he is hocking your things, and trashing the house, it may indicate he has a drug problem.

If so, it would be in the best interest of those kids for them to remain in a stable environment at your home. I wonder if sonny may not just agree to that, since it would free him up to persue his indolent life.
catlettuce
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If i had only known,
I am almost in your same situation. I've been married to my DH for 6.5 yr,s together for 7.5 & the middle s-son keeps coming back with his kid, dog & GF & her kid & cat. LAst time my DH let them move in without discussing it with me at all & I was like a prisoner in my own home, I had 3 surgerys in this time became extremely depressed and angry.

Well the finally left after 9 months (was supposed to be two weeks) & now DH drops the bomb on me the other day that SS & his 3.5 yr old, dog are moving back in for a "few weeks" as he and GF are having troubles & he is trying to get full custody of his kid even though he has no way to get him to day care as he leaves for work at 3:30 am. Mind you DH works out of town a lot & guess who will really be stuck living with it?

I'm so tired of this. It's been going on for our whole marriage, he worked for my DH for awhile & would show up for wor two hours late, w paid his house payments for a yr trying to save his house for him & he lost it. I cannot tell you the thousands of dollars my DH has spent & the resentemnt I feel as the only time we hear from him is when he has a drama, trauma & needs money or a place to live, babysitter etc. It's destroying our marriage, making me resentful & my DH cannot/will not say no to him-EVER.

I am truly at a loss. I love the grandson but do not want to raise him & be responsible for getting him to daycare everyday etc. The last time they lived here they were getting food stamps but we (my hubby & I ) were not allowed to eat any of the food they brought into the house since they "bought" it-yet hey were all here rent free. I can't take it again, but DH gets very defensive when I try to discuss it.

This SS is very disrespectful to me. When he & his GF were here last time they moved in took all my things, hot rollers, my girly stuff in the bathroom, threw it all in a cardboard box & put it in the garage & didn't tell me. There dog bit my kitten & almost killed him.

DH never deals with these situations & I am getting angry all over again because I know what will happen. Oh & we are supposed to be leaving for vacation in 10 days-Ugh.
I think my situation is hopeless & I need to either suck it up & stay in my bedroom & on anti-anxiety meds or move along. I love my DH, but I'm not feeling like I can do this again...If I had kown it would be like this I would have just remained his GF & not remarried- Ugh. I love him so much , but when is enough, enough...I am planning on moving out out if SS moves in. I ave not told my DH yet as I think I am afraid to just hear him outright choose this 27 yr old "adult" over our life together. I'm just sick of it. I'll miss my DH terribly as our relationship has been so much better and closer in the 5 months they have been out of the house , but I just cannot take it again. I happy to hear if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, as I'm just out of ideas & hope at this point. :0(
finedreams
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
you should probably start a new thread. Copy this post and paste it on a new thread then people can see that it is new story, otherwise they would assume it is still old story from November. i am sorry for what you have to go through.

any way to make a stepson grow up and be responsible for himself?

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any way to make a stepson grow up and be responsible for himself?

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