any way to make a stepson grow up and be responsible for himself?

18 years ago

My stepson is two months younger than me. His father and I have been inseperable we are best friends. Only one problem, my stepson, this kid is the second of four children. the other three have all grown up to be responsible adults and do well for themselves. As far as I know, this one has never had a job for more than three months. Every year he has to move in because he's broke and has no place to stay then when he gets income tax refund he'll mmove out till he gets evicted for not paying rent again. Oh yeah with him comes 3 & 7 year old children whose mother run off out of state years ago. His father won't see any wrong in this child his favorite son.

I have had my home destroyed my belongings pawned, our vehicles wrecked, and our finances drained. He will not take responsibility for himself, will he ever? Any suggestions? I'm ready to run. If i could take my heart with me I would have already.

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Comments (10)

plasticgarden
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yikes...sounds like a really bad situation.Have you tried not being so nice with your husband and telling him that you cant take any more and if it continues you will leave?

If you and your husband are as close as you say,I doubt he'd want to lose you.So just be honest.Tell him whether or not HE THINKS IT'S WRONG,that you are at a point where you will no longer tolerate it.
if_i_had_only_known
Original Author
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
what is he to do? He created this monster. Can't throw his grandkids out on the street. Stuck in between a rock and a hard place, the hard place uses kids as a weapon. He knows I won't take much more but he sees no way out. The stepson knows this, he knows those kids are the only reason he is allowed to stay. Hell he lost the kids last year for two months to DHR for failing drug tests. If only we could get rid of him and keep the kids. I hate to leave my husband stuck with all this but I don't think I can take much more, I do all their dishes (tried not doing them I found them under stuff growing mold) I do their laundry (tried not doing it but he broke two washers one drier and lets them pile up in the gueat bath till they mildew) I do their shopping (or the kids would have to do without if we give him money it won't be spent on what it should) these kids are the ones that are getting the ruff end of it and I guess that makes me hate him even worse, They are expected to sleep nine to ten hours at night and then lay in the bedroom floor all day watching TV no playing outside or teaching them numbers if i try to do anything with them I'm interfeering with his parenting, They don't do anything wrong, these are good, exceptionally well behaved children for their ages. three year olds need supervising, they don't realize what can cause an ouch or what is okay, the older one goes to school and actually cries if they are out of school, We don't want to put them out (just him) If he would make any effort to help himself but he doesn't, what is a father to do in that situation, I'm not biologically related so there's little i can do, If I give an ultimatum that could leave me feeling guilty for the rest of my life should something happen to the kids.
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sweeby
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The first thing to realize is that you are NOT a stepmom.
You may be Dad's wife, and even the law may say otherwise, but when it comes down to brass tacks, you're NOT a stepmom.
The age difference is just too ridiculous for you to take on any type of maternal or authoritarian role, so *don't even try*

What you *can* reasonably do is to insist that anything that belongs to you be treated with the same respect that any other person's property would get. No more. No less. That means your house doesn't get trashed and your belongings don't get hocked. If it were your husband's friend instead of his son, you would insist that he not put up with it, and that's a reasonable way to approach the issue now.

I absolutely would not put yourself in any sort of "deserve respect as your wife" position since Sonny could have a field day with that position.

But better yet -- Run! Dad should know by now and should have instituted limits long ago. If he still won't do it, then cut your losses an move on to a guy with a LOT less baggage.
plasticgarden
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"If only we could get rid of him and keep the kids"

So then have your husband tell him he cant stay but his kids can.Sounds like the kids would be better off with you anyways being as their father is so unstable.
It's time for your husband to try some tough love with his son.He needs to get his act together for the sake of his children.

It may be hard to hear,but your husband is just enabling him.If he really cares about these children then he will stop trying to be his friend and be his parent.
if_i_had_only_known
Original Author
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
What I was hoping for was that someone here might have a different approach or angle that could open this boys eyes and make him want to be a good father and be more responsible for his family, thanks for listening
it helped just to share
quiet_one
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
SS doesnt have a reason to change his behavior, not as long as he can stay at your place.

If this were happening to me, I would ask DH to move out and maintain his own household with this family. When the family disappears, DH can come back home. I couldnÂt be trapped in the Cinderella role with people hocking my possessions and breaking household equipment.

I think Alcohol Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous could help you in recognizing what you can and cannot control. Those organizations help families with destructive behaviors, not necessarily only related with alcohol or narcotics.
plasticgarden
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
If he would have had any reason to change it would have been when his kids were born.
Lots of people are irrespnsible when young,that is nothing new.But when you have kids that is supposed to change.

I'm sorry if I had only known,but you cant make people change.Stepson has to wise up on his own or it's no good.
You guys keep bailing him out,he doesnt have to,and the pattern continues.
I really feel sorry for his children.Moving them back and forth has got to be really hard on them.I hope you find the answers you are looking for....but I still think that will never happen without tough love.Some people just dont know when to stop.
kathline
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
if he is hocking your things, and trashing the house, it may indicate he has a drug problem.

If so, it would be in the best interest of those kids for them to remain in a stable environment at your home. I wonder if sonny may not just agree to that, since it would free him up to persue his indolent life.
catlettuce
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
If i had only known,
I am almost in your same situation. I've been married to my DH for 6.5 yr,s together for 7.5 & the middle s-son keeps coming back with his kid, dog & GF & her kid & cat. LAst time my DH let them move in without discussing it with me at all & I was like a prisoner in my own home, I had 3 surgerys in this time became extremely depressed and angry.

Well the finally left after 9 months (was supposed to be two weeks) & now DH drops the bomb on me the other day that SS & his 3.5 yr old, dog are moving back in for a "few weeks" as he and GF are having troubles & he is trying to get full custody of his kid even though he has no way to get him to day care as he leaves for work at 3:30 am. Mind you DH works out of town a lot & guess who will really be stuck living with it?

I'm so tired of this. It's been going on for our whole marriage, he worked for my DH for awhile & would show up for wor two hours late, w paid his house payments for a yr trying to save his house for him & he lost it. I cannot tell you the thousands of dollars my DH has spent & the resentemnt I feel as the only time we hear from him is when he has a drama, trauma & needs money or a place to live, babysitter etc. It's destroying our marriage, making me resentful & my DH cannot/will not say no to him-EVER.

I am truly at a loss. I love the grandson but do not want to raise him & be responsible for getting him to daycare everyday etc. The last time they lived here they were getting food stamps but we (my hubby & I ) were not allowed to eat any of the food they brought into the house since they "bought" it-yet hey were all here rent free. I can't take it again, but DH gets very defensive when I try to discuss it.

This SS is very disrespectful to me. When he & his GF were here last time they moved in took all my things, hot rollers, my girly stuff in the bathroom, threw it all in a cardboard box & put it in the garage & didn't tell me. There dog bit my kitten & almost killed him.

DH never deals with these situations & I am getting angry all over again because I know what will happen. Oh & we are supposed to be leaving for vacation in 10 days-Ugh.
I think my situation is hopeless & I need to either suck it up & stay in my bedroom & on anti-anxiety meds or move along. I love my DH, but I'm not feeling like I can do this again...If I had kown it would be like this I would have just remained his GF & not remarried- Ugh. I love him so much , but when is enough, enough...I am planning on moving out out if SS moves in. I ave not told my DH yet as I think I am afraid to just hear him outright choose this 27 yr old "adult" over our life together. I'm just sick of it. I'll miss my DH terribly as our relationship has been so much better and closer in the 5 months they have been out of the house , but I just cannot take it again. I happy to hear if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, as I'm just out of ideas & hope at this point. :0(
finedreams
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
you should probably start a new thread. Copy this post and paste it on a new thread then people can see that it is new story, otherwise they would assume it is still old story from November. i am sorry for what you have to go through.

any way to make a stepson grow up and be responsible for himself?

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any way to make a stepson grow up and be responsible for himself?

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