No. You are not wrong. Last fall I felt the need to knock on the door of one of my son's friends families when this happened to them. I was met at the door by a cousin from away. I introduced myself and asked if she wanted me to take some of the flower donations to the nursing home or hospital or ronald mcdonald house. I said I can take food to the shelter too, just let me know. I know it is overwhelming. She took my number and the next day I arranged for people to come and get rid of what they wanted gone. 'Stuff' is a burden.

Your donation and note was perfect.

Yes, you are wrong to think these gifts are just too much. At this early stage, there is no way people could possibly know it was an overload situation. Imagine the opposite happening - no one doing anything for fear of overload.

Thank you for posting this. Many don't realize that a kindness can turn into a hardship for a grieving family.

In years past, my neighbors would coordinate a dinner schedule. This way the family knows what to expect and it eliminates all the trays of lasagna. Food preferences and allergies were also shared in the list.

I would never have thought to offer to help to distribute the endless donations that brought things over the top for the family.. Good idea.

Another idea is to offer a bedroom for a night for overflow relatives.

Gray, I think Ded is referring to the close neighbors that are aware. Yes certainly I agree that nothing would be disheartening.

But wouldn’t a note put at the door be better than flowers to toss out a few days later, and then a bunch of vases and baskets to deal with? I do understand the food and I thought of dropping off some breakfast things for the family that was gathering. I am always more inclined not to physically intrude unless it was a very close friend or family.

Love the idea of distributing the over abundance. I’ll keep that in mind.

Their church is organizing meal donations, if needed. The church and the funeral home have been so helpful.

Where I live, it is customary for the family to put an add in the local advertisement flyer as a group "thank you" and also the local paper. That's what we did. We also wrote personal thank yous to all the folks who donated to our local library in honor of my mother, but they library staff helped us with those and I had addresses so just did a generic thank you letter mailing.

I had some close friends to help me coordinate all the stuff. A funeral is a big production with a lot of details and when you are grieving so badly from a sudden loss, it is exhausting. So nice if folks can help. The Jewish community calls it "sitting shiva" and the theory is that the grieving people should just sit and rest and be visited and attended to by the community. Does not always work that way, but it's a nice idea.

I agree, I don't send flowers or food. Instead I usually make a donation or send a check. I offer a service-taking care of the family pets or watering the lawn-household chores that still need done but the family is dealing with the tragedy.

I know when we've experienced losses-my Dad, my in-laws (all died way too young) it was better for us to have help than things.

I understand sitting shiva. Around here it’s usually held at a relatives house if possible. I have gone to several but in each case the family knew death was imminent and was prepared. I can’t imagine having to do that after a shocking death when your brain can barely function. I guess that’s when friends or religious groups step in. The tradition is to bring food and again they end up with enough for an army. There are caterers around here who are expert at managing them, though, so I guess it works out.

Difficult to process and grieve when you're always interrupted.

Don't forget, though, that it does help those who give, in a way. I guess I'm torn...

I have a great deal of trouble (it's actually impossible) for me to ask, or accept, help.

None of what I said is helpful, I know, but this is a discussion that has me thinking wwyd. Penny? Important and I'll have to revisit the idea from time to time.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. It's just not going to have any effect on other people's choices.

I agree the idea of offering to help carry things away to donate is a very good one.

And AFAIK, there is no time constraint on sending thank yous. Is there even an obligation to do so in such circumstances?

Hmm, never thought about not thanking people for flowers or food. I always feel like it’s the right thing to do, especially so they know the gift was received. I’m sure anyone would understand if the note did not arrive for awhile.

Warning: I'm a cynic about this stuff. I would never send flowers to the home of the mourning, or deliver a meal unless I knew it was needed as part of an organized effort. I know "it's the thought that counts" but gifts can be burdens, especially in times of death. If I'm sending something--without really considering whether it's wanted or needed, and knowing that it requires follow-up action from those mourning a loss in the form of a thank-you note (or, worse--returning a casserole dish!)--then I'm doing the act for myself, not for them.

I send a card, attend the services, contribute to designated memorials, sign online obits, and then, a month or two after the funeral, I contact the friend/loved one who experienced the loss and invite them to lunch or other appropriate outing as a gesture of continued support.

We've had trees planted and a note is sent to that effect. And once, in the case of a miscarriage, we had found a place that sent them a tiny sapling to plant in their garden. They absolutely loved that.

I would never expect a thank you for anything related to a condolence gift. However, I have sent them. My own weird double standard...

So difficult to know what to do!

I would only send food if I knew they wanted it - either from a close friend or relative or a group (work, church, synagogue etc). When my friend died her dear husband was overwhelmed with meals - he even called and asked me to get the word out that he didn't have room for anything else. He ended up tossing bags of food that no one felt like eating - especially lasagna, that was the meal most often delivered.

I agree that a heartfelt note along with an offer to help in some way - rides, dog walking, meals is more helpful. I'm always grateful when the obituary suggests making a donation - to one of their charities or one of my own choosing.

I know that at least one popular restaurant (that does catering) in our area will tell the person ordering if there have been other platters and desserts ordered for a grieving family. Then it’s up to the person to change the order, delay delivery or cancel it.

Years ago after the unexpected death of my father, neighbors pitched in and helped in numerous ways. Many called ahead and said that they would be delivering lunch or dinner on a certain day. One neighbor stayed at the house while the funeral was being held. Some of the guys got together and mowed, someone placed the newspaper on my mother’s doorstep every morning for months.

A couple days after the funeral my sister and I with a couple of my brothers sat together and wrote the thank you notes for the family. We were very touched by the kindness we had received. Wine was involved.

Yes, having someone watch the house during the service is important. That would be a wonderful offer if you don’t know the deceased well enough to go to the service. My BIL had someone house sit when my sister died a long time ago. Obviously no one will be home and the time of the service is publicized.’ It’s easy to find an address.

What is it with death and lasagna. Id rather have a spiral sliced ham.

Dedtired, lasagna is in the "freezes beautifully" section of the cookbook (shout out to Annelle from Steel Magnolias).

I don’t think you are wrong. Too much food is difficult to deal with and flowers or plants at home are a burden. I know of one case where the family didn’t have time or the thought to buy paper plates or utensils to serve visitors who dropped by so then had to get out dishes to offer anyone a slice of cake for example. That added another burden on someone having to cleanup.

I love the idea of taking extra flowers to a nursing home and food to a shelter. And a big yes to having organized meals delivered and someone house sitting during the funeral or when the family needs to be away from the house for any reason during the next several days.

^^^Also cutting the grass....(or shoveling snow)...

Another important, in my opinion, way to help, is to get the kids out of the house. Yes they need time with mom, and yes they all need time as a family, but kids need time to be kids too, when they arent afraid to laugh because that's not right you're supposed to be grieving. Moreover, there will be times, when mom wont want to face drop off or whatever and rides for kids, so kids can return to normal are critically important.

I totally understand what you are saying, yet I don' t think you can fault people for trying to do something. Many times when such a tragedy happens, I think people don't know what to do. Food is a go to thing for me. But only if I know it is needed. I never, ever do flowers. Always some type memorial in case of a death. Now just a couple of weeks ago, we had a member of a close friend's family injured in a traffic accident. His friend was also in the car and was killed. I took a meal one night to the family. AFTER checking with the family. I knew the young man's mother would be coming in from out of state (along with her fiance), they were staying with the grandmother, along with the young man's sister and her husband and young baby. The sister's husband also happened to be recovering from recent surgery. The young man in the car wreck was in a local trauma center and family was going back and forth (limited vistors at only certain times). They were very happy to receive the meal.

When my mom and my father-in-law passed away, we had too much food each time. After a meal for extended family and friends, we donated to a local shelter. Flowers were given to a charity that takes the arrangements apart, creating smaller arrangements for individuals in nursing homes, etc.

And yes to helping with thank-you notes!!

This is made abundantly obvious to me whenever there is a death of a family member or friend. How it isn't obvious to those well-meaning people who send all the food and flowers is beyond me.

We had a situation recently in which the family of the deceased asked a select few of their friends from various social circles to get the word out asking that food and flowers not be sent and that they were not ready for visitors at that time.

I agree with you. They need time alone, with each other and whoever else they want involved. Not a line at the door or flowers everywhere. With online sign up websites like Food Train, there is no need to inundate anyone with food.

When my father died, neighbors brought dinner a few nights later. It was nice to eat comfort food - pot roast, salad, sides and dessert - but honestly we are the type of people that don't want others doing things for us. Not that it wasn't appreciated, we just don't feel it's necessary. A business associate sent an orchid. Lots of cards, notes and emails or calls - those I appreciated the most. A neighbor sent flowers, six weeks later when my mother passed away, and we were glad no one brought food.

What a blessing to have so much stuff from people who care about you that you have to find a way to put a stop to it and get rid of the over abundance.

One of the best things that I received when my husband died very young and very unexpectedly, was a large basket of food that didn't need refrigeration - crackers, smoked oysters, olives, almonds, cookies, tea, etc. things that were perfect to have on hand to offer to people who stopped by - not a meal but something to snack on for all of us. I think it was the perfect thing - no dishes to return, no worries about it spoiling, etc.

One thing I have done and a friend of mine always does, is include books of forever stamps with a note and card. Those can be used for thank you notes or any mail the person sends.

We had only a few flowers at our house in honor of my mother. I didn't feel inundated, I loved them. And very little food was brought over. One close friend of my mother's brought over some lasagna and maybe some chili. That was it. The food was very much appreciated. I sure could have used more help. One close family friend said, "I'm on my way" as soon as he heard the news of my mother's sudden death, but he could only stay a day or two as he had to work. On the flip side, I had to specifically ask my then boyfriend now husband to take some time off work and come out and help. I was at my wits end and overwhelmed with problems since my dad was having a mental breakdown PTSD after mom's accident. Different families have different ideas about community and support, obviously. And yes, sitting shiva has devolved into just ordering stuff online to be sent to the house. And even if you're not religious, having a group come over to your house and pray sends a powerful message. And yet when my Aunt suddenly died leaving her aging husband bereft, their congregation couldn't even muster more than one night's worth of people willing to come to the house and pray. So I guess all this complaining about people wanting to help is having an effect, wanted or not. I certainly wasn't overwhelmed with help and my mother died as the result of a tragic accident. So I guess it's either feast or famine, literally!

I would hope that everyone would try not to make it a habit to second guess the genuine caring acts of others.

During times of grief, it has never crossed my mind that someone should or should not have offered an act, or words, or anything different than what they did. I am grateful for friends and even people I haven't known that well in times of grief--their words, cards, gifts and offers.

It's easy enough to say thank you and throw out a dish that you can't eat or don't get around to, give it away, donate flowers later after enjoying them a few days or just letting them die and throw them out--and thank the person and recognize their intent.

If the family is hung up on this, then something isn't right.

I imagine in the circumstances they are so much in shock this overabundance is not a burden to them. If it is, they're not focusing on the right thing.

If I were to receive a suggestion that my acts of kidness were not of the "right kind" you can bet I'd never darken the door again.

And I want LOTS of flowers when I die! White roses and freesias please!

Something else to consider--in times of sudden loss, people often take great comfort in normal activity like getting dishes back to people that brought them, throwing out flowers (really, how long does that take?), the "busy" work after a death--gives a sense of normalcy and keeps people from falling apart, at least part of the time.

Spectators second guessing is not a very good idea.

I'd rather rein in wild horses than motivate a mule. An overabundance of caring is a good problem to have.

Here’s what I have been doing: just as soon as I hear of a death or tragedy, I take paper plates, napkins, foam cups, a can of coffee, box of sweetener, jar of creamer, couple of bottles of orange juice, and a couple big boxes of doughnuts. Maybe even disposable silverware. All handy things to have when you have lots of company.

In our area it’s common for people to set up a community meal delivery calendar. I’ve set up a few. You ask the family if they have any food issues or major dislikes and then set it up. Every one signs up for a night. Usually for a month or 2 depending. We make sure people know that they are to deliver the meal in disposable serving dishes. I am adamant with people that the last thing you want is to make a grieving family keep up with your glass casserole dish that your grandmother gave you. We have also set up a cleaning service for a few weeks via a go fund me page. For example dear friends lost their oldest son in a car accident the week before he was to graduate from high school. They were obviously devastated and barely able to function. A few of us got the meals set up, plus got a cleaning service to come in while the family was at the funeral. Also, we offer to have someone stay and watch the house during the service as that is sadly a thing. People will check obits and rob the house when they know the family will be at the funeral.

Meal train

Give in kind

Annette what you do is wonderful, but tons of us don't have that luxury...so you should start a company. Nope, I don't know how but I feel as if there's a need... :) Just handing over a burden to someone who can deal with it, kwim?

Pennydesign, I was the clinic staffer in the local elementary school so I was usually alerted when there was a need. The 2 apps I listed in my post are free apps for just this kind of thing. They have a go fund me type of option which is what we did for the one family that needed housework assistance.

The main reason I found these options is because of an experience where a family had a need and like stated above they got tons of stuff at the outset, most of which went to waste. I had volunteered to bring them Thanksgiving dinner and when I stopped in to drop it off I saw the mom trying to deal with clearing out the unused food and cleaning up the dishes to return to their owners. She wasn’t complaining at all but it broke my heart. I mentioned it to my bff who told me that there was an app for just this situation.

Also, when my mother died unexpectedly when I was way too young to lose her I remembered so many people saying “if there is anything I can do just call”. And while I knew they meant it I couldn’t bring myself to call anyone and ask for help. However I’ll never forget my soon to be sisters-in-law just showing up and helping me clean out the house. So I learned that just stating what you will do and when then the help is accepted. If they say no to that, then it’s all good.

Oh, and one other thing we did was have the family put a cooler on their front porch so they didn’t have to be there for the meal drop, and it could be left anonymously which negates the pressure of sending a thank you.

I am no longer in that circle as I’ve left the school and am moving, but I understand they continue with this via the pta.

There isn’t much I will miss about that place, but the jump in and help community is one thing I will miss.

Another thing to consider with all the food is that the family probably does not have enough refrigeration space. I sure wouldn't be able to accommodate several casserole dishes.

The family asked for gifts to the children's education funds as a memorial gift. I thought this website was a great way to do it. The obituary listed the URL and also the codes for each of the kids education funds. It was a simple matter to go to the site, enter the codes and make a gift. The family is notified of the contributions. Such a better way to spend your time and money than adding to a mountain of food or sending flowers.

https://www.ugift529.com/home.htm

This goes with the several threads discussing giving money/gifts/donations and what WE think works; OUR traditions. It is good to hear of the view from the other side. "A florist store" of flowers is WAAAAY too much and a burden and no longer a condolence for this family. I get that. Perhaps neighbors need to go in and sort the food and offer freezer space for what can be frozen for later. LATER meals will be appreciated at times. This family will face the need to sort/get rid of much no doubt at some future point. Why add to that? Too many people think THEIR GIFT is different and where donations are great for THEM its not meant for US who are so special to the deceased. We really need to get over what we think/need/would like and ask the simple question: "What can I take off your plate?" Money is an ugly subject but dying is EXPENSIVE and all this money thrown away on flowers or "trinkets to remember him by" would send me over the edge. This really needs to be discussed and thought through before a tragedy and a way to disseminate the families wishes realized, and then respected.

Arcy, some of us have a need to make others feel comfortable above ourselves.

It isn't always a burden to ease the minds of those who give.

Seems like the OP was trying to say the mourners did the opposite for this family and I was agreeing pennydesign. It isn't about "some of us" i.e. YOU. It should be about the family.

The exact same type of death happened recently in our town. Our BFF's daughter who comes over all the time, lost her DH in a wreck on the way to work. He was in his 30's, left behind his wife and young son. They also lost their firstborn at 18mos. So you can imagine the sadness.

With this being a small town we all gathered around her and her son, who is BFF's with my grandson. Food, someone spent the night with her all the time, lots of flowers, and several funds.

We donated money, but what everyone needs to remember is she and her son need to feel the love, even if they're over flowing in food and flowers. Many take some food and flowers home, but at least she and her son saw how loved they are.

I think your neighbor is feeling the love which I'm sure is helping right now.

I wouldn't stress about it. It's a good thing.

That is very sad, Oakley. I can’t imagine such loss. Actually, my friend had someone send out an email asking for no more food and flowers, but that notes and prayers would be greatly appreciated. Every situation is different.

...why would anyone expect a thank you note from a greiving family. Like they need one more thing to take care of.

I’m sorry for such a sad loss. I haven’t read the responses, I just wanted to say that I think you’re approach is very thoughtful and considerate. You’ve honored the family’s request and that (IMO) is the right thing to do. Once the dust settles and everyone goes back to their own lives, I imagine you’ll be the friend who stops by just to check in, see how the family is doing and offer support however they may need it.

Thanks for the kind words, Kool Beans. I am very fond of this woman and will certainly be checking on her

Kool made a very good point. Years ago, a girl from my GS troops dad passed away unexpectedly. We were no longer meeting as a troop but my co-leaders and I were contacted as a possible support group. When we asked what we could help with, the widow said to contact her in a few weeks to get together.

Two weeks later we took her to dinner and she explained how grateful she was to have continued support. Relatives and children all went home etc.

Everyone goes back to their own lives and routines. The grieving person of course is still grieving.

I remember when we lost our dad. He was only 47 and left my Mom with 3 still at home. He was the love of her life and that’s exactly what happened. Everyone went on with life and she was pretty much left to cope on her own.

That is sad, Kool Beans. Didn’t her friends stick with her? Her family? I hope she ended up with a happy life.