Some homemade dark chocolate mints to be very specific. Got those when meeting a friend and loved them.

"to hear a band you both like" -- do you have a way of making a music cd of your favorite songs from them? Or is there some little, inexpensive keychain or something with the band logo?

Have a good time :-)

Thanks for all of the suggestions!!! I certainly don't want to come across as 'needy' or desperate. I'll hold off on getting anything.

Ava: there's no worry whatsoever about meeting up. We've both shared the obits, we have mutual friends, and our first meet-up is next week during the day so that we can visit prior to the pub date. We already have some commonalities, and having one more person in a recent grieving process is nice. I've talked to a couple of people both this week, and a few weeks ago, where I've been told to 'move on' and as much as said, I should be over my loss. Sorry, but that's not happening for a long while yet. :-(

No idea about the gift, but I am glad you are finding a new friend who knows how to be “in your shoes”.

Jasdip, not to be disrespectful, but whoever said that....does not know what they are talking about.

Move on???? Good grief, it's not like your car battery quit. When my husband died, a co-worker tried to tell me she understood EXACTLY what I was going through because she experienced the same feelings when her husband left her. I wanted to bat her upside the head.

It will be such a blessing for you, if this new friendship works out. I hope it does!

Just reading the "move on" statement. Is that person for real? I haven't lost my spouse but I have several friends who have. All I can say is, I think you're doing great! Even if it's just going through the motions right now. "You should be over your loss?" You never get over it. You just learn to live with it. It's what my friends call "the new normal"

Wishing you the very best on this new journey.

Jasdip, at this early stage of your friendship with this woman, I don't think a gift is necessary. If the friendship looks like it's going to take off and you get to know her and her likes/dislikes better, there is plenty of time for a gift later. If you want to do something for her, how about buying her a beer or drink of her choice at the pub?

I am glad for you that you have met someone that you like enough to get together with and I hope you enjoy your evening at the pub listening to the band. As for the person(s) who said it was time to move on, how rude and insensitive can they be? It makes me think that they have never experienced the loss of someone near and dear to them or else they are simply uncouth dolts.

I am glad that you are making a new friend. Enjoy your meetup. I am shocked that someone told you it was time to move on.

The best gift you can give anyone is the gift of your time. It's a pretty special gift too! Just bring your charming self and have a good time! Here's hoping you become good friends.....Because good friends are hard to come by.

I think there will be plenty of time to share your baked goods. I know you are a wonderful cook and anyone would be lucky to be a recipient you say no gift.

You are there for her, and she is there for you. This is enough right now.

Jas, it is so important for you to be with people who are going through what you are. I am glad you have found a way to do this.

I would suggest no gift. If she doesn't bring you anything it will make it awkward for her. It will also set the tenor for your next get together and may make her feel obligated to bring something.

I'd much prefer to keep these things simple, especially until you get to know each other better...you can always do more later as the relationship develops...if it develops.

i agree with those who say "No Gift". I have too many tsotsches (sp?) so I wouldn't know what to do with note paper, candles, etc. Wait till you know her better, then give her a small surprise gift at a futire meet-up.

Just seeing your smile will be gift enough for her. I know it would be for me!

I think it is very good that you are getting out and doing things you enjoy.

Giving a gift on the first meeting indicates to me that you may have expectations of a new friendship. When I first ventured out on my own to various functions, without realizing it, I had expectations and then I would be disappointed. Now, when I do something new or different, I go with the attitude that I will enjoy myself and it is a opportunity to get out of the house. If I meet someone I click with, that is a bonus.

There is NO moving on! What will happen will happen, no rushing allowed. They will find out when it happens to them.

It's ok to visit the grief, just don't dwell forever.

Your comments brought tears to my eyes, thank you for understanding how I still feel. Yes, I've been told that it's time to 'move on' that hubby would want me to be 'happy.' and that it shouldn't still be bothering me. '

There are days where I'm not drowning in sorrow, but I doubt very much that hubby would expect me to be happy every day. How could he expect that, knowing how much I loved him.

I sent her a pic of me so she knows what I look like when we meet at the restaurant/gift shop. We're going to have a coffee and a visit. I don't have any pics of me on Facebook, but she does so I know what she looks like.

She said that I look like the type of person that she would like. I also told her I'm a non-smoker and a light drinker (wine with meals) and she's the same. She's very much looking forward to meeting me.

"...and that it shouldn't still be bothering me." I hardly think a natural mourning for the recent passing of one's beloved spouse, should be equated as something bothersome.

Have fun at your get together!

Jasdip, hope you had a nice time at your meet up.

Goodness me....if I outlive my husband, I know that I will NEVER get over it! I may continue on but I will never "get over it" or "just move on". One half of my heart would be torn from my life!! Some people....UGH!

And in that vein, I believe you don't get over it, just on with it.

I've got told to 'move on' again this week. I swear, I'll hit the next person over the head. Or at least ask them to clarify their asinine comment. I am leaving the apartment, meeting new friends, cooking meals (but no longer enjoy it). I'm doing what I can, except start dating!! Is that what they mean???

The lady and I met yesterday and had a real nice visit. LOL, she again asked my age, and said that I have no wrinkles!!! True, but I never thought of it, haha.

Guess what, she gave me a cute pair of earrings!! Dangly earrings with gemstones in the shape of a cat. We'll definitely be getting together again, for sure at the end of the month for the Sunday bar gig, and again for visits.

And last night I went to to a roadhouse to meet up with another lady who lost her husband last week. The 4 of us knew each other because he was a long-time member of the Ride for Dad. We really connected and she asked if it was okay to cry as much as she does and she wonders that there are any tears left. I really hope to see her again as well.

I'm glad you enjoyed the outing with your new friend, Jasdip. It sounds like many of us got it wrong when we advised not bringing a gift!

Maybe you will be able to provide some advice and comfort to your oher friend. It must be so hard to be in that position. I dont think those of us who haven't experienced the loss of a spouse can imagine just how hard it is.

Regarding people who tell you to get over it. I think they mean well but end up really putting their foot in it because they end up saying the wrong thing instead. Iff it happens again, you might try putting it back on them by asking something like "why do you say that?" or "what do you mean?" That might make them realize how their words sound and cause them to choose their words more carefully in the future.

Thanks for the update Jasdip! Glad it went well.

i am glad you are meeting with someone in the same circumstances, bittersweet :(

as for a small gift, just an idea, a succulent. they are pretty popular now and u can get them at Trader Joes, if u have one near you. and under $10. i understand your thinking, just a "little something, something".

but i could go either way with the it.

as far as "move on" those people have no clue what it is to lose someone you love., so shut out that noise! there is no timeline on grief and anyone who says anything different in an A$$ !!

best of luck with your meet-up, i hope you both get something out of it. ((hugs))

edit: Glad all went well!!!

Jasdip, I honestly think some people lack the grieving gene, or never having experienced a great personal loss, lack compassion for what others feel. This doesn't mean that person isn't a close friend, it is that....they do not understand.

Everyone is different, and no one is right or wrong, losing a loved one. In my case, I could not hear my dh's name for about a year without welling up. You are doing the best you can and you are okay.

As a couple, we instinctively know that "someday", one of us will be the one left behind....unless we both go at the same time in an accident, which isn't very likely. My husband has recently been diagnosed with a disease (pulmonary fibrosis), which is progressing very fast. I am literally almost paralyzed with the thought of being the one left behind. So I can understand what you are going through, and the grief. You knew ahead of time that he would lose his battle with cancer, but I don't know how prepared a person can be. I don't think anyone can tell you how to grieve, or when to be over it. To me, it is sort of like someone telling you, "he is in a better place." I would want to say, "No....a better place would be with me." I think people say these things as almost a cliche. Maybe they can't think of anything better to say. Hugs to you, Jasdip.

Marilyn, I think of you and Jody, in this new life-change for you both. Believe, me, it was hard losing Mom, but losing a spouse is so much worse. My heart breaks for you.

Same as when people tell me "Tom would want you to be happy." He would??? Knowing that he's not here beside me, I sincerely doubt it.

I suppose these people, and there are more than I would have thought, have no compassion gene. Gosh sakes, I was at our dentist today, and HE had more empathy for me. He and his staff were sincere, and they said how much they liked hubby.

Heck, all I have to do is just think about something happening to my husband and I will begin to cry!

I'm happy for you that your friends' meetings went well. It's nice to have someone to talk to that can empathize with you.

I have been a widow for over 5 yrs. I haven't "gotten over it" and never will. It is really nice to spend time with others who truly understand. I have met up and done things with women I met thru a Facebook group for widows.

I've been wondering if you had your get together so I'm glad I came here to find out. So happy that you enjoyed one another.

Marilyn, I'm sorry for what you and your husband are facing as you deal with this terrible disease.

I'm pleased and thankful that your meeting went well, Jasdip - and I'm not surprised, from what you'd said that your relationship had been before that.

And glad that you had that meeting with the other woman going through similar grieving.

Folks who've been in that boat can offer much more understanding and comfort than folks who haven't.

I hope you can find it in your mind and heart to dismiss the well-meaning but grievous comments without dwelling on them and letting them wound you more.

Thinking of you often and hoping that things are going as well as they can.

(((((Jasdip)))))

ole joyful

We have so many emotions and thoughts that we can (as human beings) willfully get over -- like anger, resentment, disappointment (not necessarily easily and not everyone does, but still) -- that I guess those who haven't experienced such profound grief just do not understand that it is different, and can't just be thrown off like an overcoat.

I thought that I was handling my grief and shock pretty well from my husband's abandonment -- until about 18 months later someone at work commented that it was nice to finally see me smile again. I was very fortunate to have wonderfully supportive friends and co-workers at that time, so I am glad that you are connecting with a few with whom you can share support.

Next month will be 1 year since my husband died, so quite an emotional time as I face yet another "first'. I wish that those who don't know what to say would just say "Condolences on the loss" and leave it at that, but I guess they feel that they have to say more ....believe me.... sometimes nothing more is necessary! This past year has been a real rollercoaster of emotions for me.

Hugs, justlinda.

Good to hear your meeting went well Jasdip.

So sorry for your loss justlinda.

Here's a suggestion that's different from what has been mentioned. A book of encouragement for the grieving, the kind that has beautiful pictures accompanied by comforting Scriptures. I have one that is worn and loved and is dear to me.

Jas, you continue to be in my Prayers. I'm glad your getting out a bit.

I've never lost a spouse and have no idea how you feel. I'm sure that there's no way to even begin to understand unless one has been thru it.

(((JAS)))

I know that some people's grief can hit at different times. The first grief session I attended, a gentleman lost his wife 6 months prior. He was harbouring thoughts of suicide. The second session, 3 weeks later, he was fine. Someone else was fine for a year, and the second year it really hit her.

This Sunday is our pub outing, and I'm looking forward to that, as I enjoy that type of music. Plus it's an afternoon which I like.

But I cry every single day, and can't imagine going thru the spring and summer without my sweetie. I have no desire to do much at all. I hate my life.

My "like" is to let you know that I hear you. Wishing you loads of hugs and soft kindness. Enjoy the pub and cry whenever you need. (((jasdip)))

Jasdip, I think I understand a little having been there. I also hated my life, but then I changed my thinking to I dislike my life without my dh and taking time to enjoy some simple things such as a baby laughing or watching a sunset. Yes, there was sorrow with the joy.

The grieving sessions were not a good fit for me. As an example... There was a lady in the group that was unconsolable week after week. It was ten years since she lost her husband. I am ashamed to say...I thought to myself....it's time to move on, lady.

A chance meeting with someone and a conversation turned things around for me. I have learned to accept help when I need it.

OJ has offered to meet with you. If it was me, I would take him up on the offer. He does have a way with words and a kind heart.

Ava, I stopped going to the grief groups. It wasn't a fit for me either. I didn't hear anything different than friends here and in real life say. I also have a friend like the lady you met, who lost her husband 10 years ago and she hasn't gotten rid of a thing. 3-bdrm house, but no place to put things, as his office is still full of boxes and papers, clothes in the closet etc etc. Yes, she needs to move on.

Ava, I know OJ, and yes of course he has a kind heart and means well. I don't need anyone to sit here and babysit me. I'm not sure what you expect him to do, that my friends aren't doing. I'm not going to kill myself.

Jasdip, I am sorry I offended you. It is obvious you are trying and getting out and doing things. You don't need a babysitter, but having someone nonjudgemental and understanding to talk with can be beneficial. It was a suggestion and I am sure you know best.

Jas, you go ahead and cry every day and hate your life if that's what it takes. . As long as you continue to meet new people and go out with friends, in time you will have a new life. It won't be the same but that doesn't mean in won't be good in a different way. It takes time.

I was actually searching for something else and came across a page that explains the tradition Jewish mourning practices for both the grieving and the visitors/community. Very interesting -- quite formalized in steps and stages (for example, the first days before burial this is done to show grief, the day of something else is done, visitors are not to come before x day, even down to who prepares and who partakes of the funeral meal, what happens the next 7 days, the next year, remembrance in the synagogue and on the anniversary of the death.

There may be wisdom in this. It certainly gives permission and space to fully express and acknowledge grief, and remember the one who has passed, and must help the grieving to know that the community was all on the same page.

Sherry, talk to your husband. While he may want you home with him all of the time he may be like my husband. My husband wanted me to do all of the things that I enjoyed and he either did not or until he went into the NH he was unable to do. Getting away for even a day or two by yourself or with friends can help both of you but it is something you must discuss openly with each other. Neither of you know who will be first and many times it is not the one that has been ill. This is a preparation for later for anyone similar to talking about money and what to do with bills etc.

Hope you enjoyed your outing to the pub.