An update on my hubby and his cancer and Hospice

5 years ago

last modified: 5 years ago

I haven't done any posting about hubby's health in a while. He had come home from re-hab end of Sept and was able to use a walker for a bit. Only a few days later he had very little to no strength to stand. He's wheel-chair bound and I have daily care coming in to help me......wash him, get him in and out of bed, etc etc.

He spent the day in the wheelchair, and we'd talk, watch movies, hang out etc.

This past Monday we had an app't with the oncologist and an MRI. The dr took one look at hubby and said that the cancer drugs aren't working so not to continue/renew them. He said "it's a matter of weeks, maybe a month or two."

I honestly think hearing those words sent hubby's body into shock. I know I was in shock, so I can't imagine how he was feeling. This week has been a fast slide downhill. He's in bed all the time, just wants to sleep and not wake up. We have a nurse come in daily, there are still meds to give him (one huge concern for me is he has fluid on his lungs). They have an anti-biotic for him in the thought that it's pneumonia. I give him the meds, dilaudin for pain etc, and he fights it. The nurse has seen more of a downturn even since yesterday, so he's going into hospice tomorrow.

On one hand I'm glad it's quick, for him not to linger and keep suffering. Obviously the ba*tard of a cancer doesn't want to go away. On the other hand, because it's quick, I'm devastated.

ETA: The care coordinator asked hubby where he would like to be and he wants to be home with me. I was all for this all week, except now that he's worse, I really really don't want to be there at the end. I can't imagine walking in to see him and he's gone. Hospice is the best place.

It's a lovely place, very well respected. Out in the country with trees, 6 private rooms and a large sunroom. Meals are provided, but he's not eating at all. Zilch appetite.

I was asked if I wanted an overnight nurse to come in and be with us in case he's of need. Our door right now is revolving with people in and out all the time, I didn't want anyone staying here overnight as well.

LOL.....I'm a prime candidate for phone scams. Every single number of the care providers come in as "anonymous' and I answer every call.

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Jasdip
Original Author

5 years ago

Hi all.

I and his brothers/sil had a great visit with him today. Everyone was glad they came.....they live 3-6 hours from us.

It's a wonderful facility; home-like atmosphere, warm and cosy. Every room has a patio door so the patients can look upon the grounds and see the squirrels, cardinals, blue jays, there's even a fox that's been spotted. Pets are even encouraged to come.

I thought I could keep him at home to the very end, but I know that I can't. I do not want to walk into our bedroom, find him gone, and deal with the removal. I know that would be the one thing that I'd remember forever; how he looked at the very end when I wasn't expecting it, and alone.

He's not looking at me as if I went against his wishes.He's very comfortable, on an air-mattress, which is more than the hospital bed was. And listening to music now, according to the nurse. When I left I asked if he wanted me back this evening and he doesn't, he wants to sleep. No more visitors tonite. He has round-the clock care, and I'm only 15 minutes away, and they will call me should anything change and I happen to not be there.

I'm more than welcome to spend the day and all night there, in the recliner. My work knows what's going on so there's no pressure for me to work next week at all. I can load up with books etc just to be with him, come home to feed the cats, grab a bite if I'm hungry, which I haven't been much of and then go back again.

There are 3 more people that want to visit him tomorrow, as well as me, and he'll be tired again. He's not used to having a number of people with him, just me. And of course the care team in and out of the house.

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Comments (155)

sableincal
5 years ago
I am in awe of your courage, Jasdip. Hugs and prayers for you and your dear husband.
Summer
5 years ago
Thinking of you.
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sprtphntc7a
5 years ago
sending prayers, strength, peace and a great big hug., so sorry you are both going through this...
quasifish
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
Marilyn Sue McClintock
5 years ago
Hugs and prayers

Sue
ladypat1
5 years ago
It sounds like the hospice turned out to be for the best. There will be people to care for you both through this end. Prayers.
maggie200
5 years ago
I'm a fan of yours jasdip. You cooked wonderful food and I have some of those recipes. I can picture you and your husband. Did I see a picture? And a cat too. Anyway, I hyperventilate for you. I thought you and hubby had figured out a great partnership. Equal partners. You have been a star on this page every time I slip back in. I don't want this for you at all. I hope and I will continue to hope that you'll be able to handle this better than you think. It's in our DNA to face this stuff somehow. I'm sticking close to this page to take care of you With your friends. Write when you can sweet woman. Kisses to your husband too.
User
5 years ago
Sounds like you arrived at the best decision for both of you. I'm glad he agreed to the move. God bless.
hounds_x_two
5 years ago
Keeping both of you in my prayers at this difficult time.
yeonassky
5 years ago
Sounds like you found the right thing to do for you and your DH. Sending prayers and hugs.
Sammy
5 years ago
Hugs
dees_1
5 years ago
So sorry Jasdip. Comforting thoughts to both of you.
mamapinky0
5 years ago
Jas, I don't have the words you need but know you and your husband are in my thoughts and Prayers.

((((HUGS))))
amicus
5 years ago
Jasdip, what you are doing is exactly what my DH and I have planned on doing, if one of us becomes terminally ill. Neither of us want to unexpectedly find the other has passed, and be alone, (like you mentioned) so hospice care at the end is our choice as well. I wish your DH a peaceful and painless passing, and wish you an ample source of support from family and friends, afterwards. You and your DH are in our hearts, during this difficult time.
rob333 (zone 7b)
5 years ago
(((jasdip and hubs))) I've been thinking about you. I'm with you in my heart.
rockypointdog
5 years ago
You and your husband are in our thoughts. Hospice is a really wonderful place, and they will be there for you and DH with whatever you need.
Jasdip
Original Author
5 years ago
I just got a call from Hospice, and they've seen changes in him today.

I spent the night in his room in the recliner last nite, and was planning to go back this afternoon for the day and night again.

Please pray for a safe passage for my dear Tom.
gmatx zone 6
5 years ago
Jasdip, may your precious husband Tom have a peaceful passage when his time arrives. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself, also.
JustDoIt
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
On another thread, someone asked what songs you listen to. I posted this as one of my favorites. The hope is that the words will make you feel better. He's singing a brand new song.
raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
5 years ago
I am praying for you and your Tom.
maggie200
5 years ago
Yes, you've given each other strength all these years and will do it again. Strength over strength for what each of you need.
DawnInCal
5 years ago
Jasdip, you will find an inner strength you didn't know you had as you see your beloved Tom through his journey down this path that neither of you want him to take. I hope you find comfort in knowing that his days in hospice were peaceful and that so many of us here are holding you in our thoughts today and in the days to come.
stacey_mb
5 years ago
May your dear Tom have a gentle and peaceful passing and also wishing for you peace during this transition and in the days to come.
nickel_kg
5 years ago
Thinking of you and Tom, wishing you peace, and strength in the ways you need.
User
5 years ago
Thinking of both of you. May you find the peace you need.
GOD
5 years ago
Peace to you and your husband.
hounds_x_two
5 years ago
Prayers continue for both of you. Sending gentle hugs your way.
barbara_tpa
5 years ago
Jasdip - may you find peace. ((Hugs))
happy2b…gw
5 years ago
Take care, Jasdip. Peace and comfort for you both.
ldstarr
5 years ago
I'll pray for both of you. May you both find peace.
lucillle
5 years ago
You and Tom are in my prayers.
jim_1 (Zone 5B)
5 years ago
Having worked in a nursing home for several years, death is something that I have found to be a release for the family.

Once, I was in a room with a gent as his life was ending. His wife and two of his sons were there. What made it special for me is that his three sons had the same names as my three sons. Bob died peacefully as I looked on and one of his sons said to me, OK dad, thanks for being here.
OutsidePlaying
5 years ago
Jasdip, May you and Tom find peace and comfort. Hugs to you.
sjerin
5 years ago
I just want to put this little thing out there: many people choose to pass when loved ones are not in the room. If this happens, please don't feel badly as it is common. Tom knows you're there with him most of the time and that you love him dearly.
chisue
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
Thinking of you, emotionally exhausted...and grieving before and after he passes. It's draining, then the void is so infinite. (At least it was for me when my DM died at the end of a long illness.)
eld6161
5 years ago
(((((Jasdip and Tom)))))
blfenton
5 years ago
Jasdip - you and Tom are both in my thoughts. I saw the picture of him on the other thread and the picture showed a lovely, nice-looking man. I wish for a peaceful passing for him
country_bumpkin_al
5 years ago
Jasdip, This is the 1st time I've been to the KT in ages and this is the 1st post I opened! Please know you & Tom are both in my Thought & Prayers. (I have been where you are)
joyfulguy
5 years ago
last modified: 5 years ago
I'm sending good thoughts and offering prayers that peace may fill the hearts of both of you at this trying time.ed

I'd thought of writing a few days ago when you referred to the situation, offering to come if you'd like.baker

I expect that at present I'd just be in the way ... but can come if you'd like me to.8829

You can message me @gmail.com, using the three-part address uninterruptedly as shown at the end of the earlier sentences.

Or 519

May you find these last days and hours together a time of blessing, peace and love.642

((((((((((((((((((Jasdip and Tom ... plus family)))))))))))))))))).1133 ... son's number: leave a message.

Love you.

ole joyful
maggie200
5 years ago
Beautiful message joyfulguy.
Uptown Gal
5 years ago
I know my posting doesn't matter to anyone, and that's ok. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know, along with a lot of others, how sorry I am. I

could have almost written your posting several years ago. Everything you

wrote pretty much fit my DH. He was only 57 when we lost him. He was

a workaholic and always put off going to the Dr., etc. When he was finally

forced to go, it was too late. He did go through the Radiation, meds, etc.,

for almost 2 years before he left us. Please, everyone....please....get your

DH, brothers, sons, male friends, etc., to have this Medical checkup. It is not just an old man's disease, like some seem to think, either. It

is a curable type of cancer if caught early. Saying prayers for Jasdip and

family for comfort and coping....and all who have gone through the beating

that Cancer does to us. A couple of Widow/Widower sites help me a lot. They

are out there, if you need them. They helped me to accept that it doesn't

get better...but does get easier with time. Hugs.
Summer
5 years ago
Uptown Gal - Your post does matter. Thank you!
Suzieque
5 years ago
Uptown Gal, I agree with Summer - of course your posting matters. I'm sorry for the loss of your dear husband.
sweet_betsy No AL Z7
5 years ago
Yes, your post does matter. It could encourage some wife, sister or mother to encourage her loved one to have a check up.

It was also too late for my husband. He died last December after four years of pain, stents, chemo and radiation that did nothing.
FlamingO in AR
5 years ago
I'm so sorry to read this. I know just how hard it is to watch a parent suffer like this but I think it must be 100 times worse to watch a spouse decline. My sympathies for you. It's so hard on your body and your heart, I hope you're able to take care of yourself in some small ways, Jasdip. Big hugs.
katlan
5 years ago
we are with you Jasdip in heart and mind. Im praying for a pain free peaceful passing for your beloved husband. And im praying for strength and peace for you. What you have to deal with, ugh, it's just so damn hard.
ont_gal
5 years ago
((((Sherry)))) call Ed.
OutsidePlaying
5 years ago
Uptown Gal, yes your post does matter. If it encourages but one person who reads it to get a sognificant person in their life to get a regular checkup, no matter what their age, it is worth repeating.

My DH’s favorite youngest brother passed away 8 years ago of kidney cancer at 50 because he ignored symptoms. He lived alone and was full of regrets after his diagnosis. I don’t know how many times we heard him say, ‘I should have (fill in the blank)’.

Thinking of you every day, Sherry!
maggie200
5 years ago
Any news from Jasdip?
Annie Deighnaugh
5 years ago
Yes maggie...I guess you missed it:

https://www.gardenweb.com/discussions/5532464/hubby-passed-this-morning#n=163

An update on my hubby and his cancer and Hospice

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