I do vermicomposting...I have a bin with worms in it that I use for kitchen composting. Granted these are a lot of worms in an enclosed container, but when I open the top (exposing them to sunlight), you can actually 'hear' them as they retreat deeper into the bin...it's really weird! I can imagine that with larger worms like nightcrawlers, that if you had a few out and about, you'd hear them as they retreat under leaves, etc., back down into the ground. ~Michele

I agree with postponing the wedding until these issues are settled. I promise you, it CAN get better, and that is up to your fiancee, but also up to you as well. Once he has addressed the issues with her, you will see a very dramatic turnaround in the behaviour of the child. Don't make that your issue because it's not. Your BM is behaving this way because a) she is being allowed to, and b) she is getting something out of it - satisfaction, attention, drama, pity - she is getting whatever reaction she wants and she is feeding off it. And you know what - your fiancee is getting something out of it as well. You both just need to figure out what that is. If your fiancee says only call once a day and then he answers the phone and argues with her several times a day, then he is teaching her that she doesn't have to take him seriously and she can do whatever she wants, regardless of what he says. HE is giving her permission to do this! I don't see a problem with you being the primary caretaker if your fiancee is working - don't worry about that - but he needs to give you a LOT more support. This is not your child, and you are not a glorified unpaid babysitter and nanny. What I would suggest is to get yourself in a place of absolute calm - take some time out and go for a long walk, have a massage, go get yourself an iced coffee or something - and just BE. Just sit and relax and clear your head. Don't sit and worry and stress about the situation. Don't even let yourself think about it. Just relax. Then when you are feeling in a more relaxed frame of mind, sit down with him and have a talk. No shouting, accusing, crying - NO DRAMA - and discuss it calmly with him. I assure you, I know how difficult this is, especially when tensions are running high - but the benefits are enormous. One point you need to make clear to him, in a loving way, is that if you leave then it's expected that sometime in the future he will meet someone else, and if these particular issues are not resolved, then that woman, and every other woman after her, will leave the same way. The one thing I said to my DH, a long long time ago, when I faced VERY similar problems that you are dealing with, was this, "If you are not able or not willing to address the disruptive and destructive behaviour that you are allowing to continue, through your ex wife and into OUR family, then you will always be alone. No woman - not me, not any other woman with any self-respect - will put up with it. That is your choice." Actually, I told him that he would never EVER have sex again unless he paid for it :) But don't try that unless you both have a very wicked and evil sense of humour like we have - he took it the right way and it gave us both a chuckle :D I said this out of love, and in understanding for the very difficult position that he was in with an ex wife who behaved like your BM. And it IS difficult for the man as well, trying to keep two women happy, for different reasons. One more thing - start taking a more logical approach over this situation. Men don't respond well to emotion, and the last thing he will want is drama from his ex and then drama from you as well. Where is his peace? His place of safety and security and comfort? Once I stopped fighting with my DH over this issue, and instead gave him a soft place to land after her erratic and aggressive behaviour and attacks, and once I LET GO OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP and helped him build up the self-esteem that she was working so hard to rip to shreds every day, and gave him the strength to believe he COULD have a more peaceful life by being more assertive with her, he started seeing it for himself, and he started changing things. NOT because I wanted him to (and of course I did!), but because I told him that his actions with BM were hurting me and hurting our marriage and family deeply, and I was going to put my faith in him and trust in him to protect us from that and to take care of the situation so that OUR family and marriage could be peaceful, loving and safe. Today, I can promise you, our BM is not an issue in our lives in any way. No tantrums, no threats, no aggression, no phone calls, no 20 text messages a day, no 10 emails a day, no fighting, no drama, no problems. HE is the one who has to do this, but YOU are the one who can make that happen for him. All the best x

Dear all, Here's a copy of email I sent to the three Kids: Dear SS, SD1 and SD2, SS, your father tried phoning this evening, left a message, and turned in for bed before 9pm. He did have an opportunity to speak with SD2 on the phone a bit earlier, and he went to visit with SD1 at (her work) for a couple of hours today. I want you to know that we would really, really enjoy having all three of you here for a few days to spend lots of time with each other and your father. I know you all would like it best if he would come to (SD's hometown) (either with or without me), but he's feeling pretty stressed, and does not want to travel at all right now. He and I had planned to have a couple of days in the motorhome this September. We had talked about it in the late summer, after it was evident that we weren't going to be busy canning our non-existent fruit this year. But now he doesn't want to go anywhere. He seems to forget about the plans we had made -- that's just how things are right now. It's been very confusing to him to have all the conversations with all three of you about how, where, dates, etc., regarding this visit and trying to explain how and why he feels like he does. What he would like best is for all of you to come here and stay in our home or cottage (which we are still keeping vacant until we hear the final plans). Right now he's most comfortable at home, and he can't think of being anywhere else. I think the best thing to do for everyone would be to just try and make this visit as easy as possible, as comfortable as possible for everyone, and just plan on having nice relaxing days "chewing the fat", reminiscing, and hanging out together. Going sightseeing, going on adventures, experiencing new things ... are out of his comfort level. He's unsure on his feet, is afraid of feeling confused, and can't describe how he feels at times. I know that I have many projects I can work on and things I can do on my own, which would afford all of you time to be there to talk, listen, and nap with your father as you see fit! Who knows, you might all enjoy relaxing in one of his two favorite rooms and close your eyes like he does! Maybe there will be a day where your father feels less weak, confused, agitated or stressed and he will feel like riding with me over to SS's town, SD2's town, or SD1's Island -- but that day is sure not now. Since I'm the only one here who can tell you what it's like to no longer have your parents alive, I'll let you know this: It's final. It's nothing you can wish or pray to change. There are no more opportunities to enjoy their presence. There are no more opportunities to say what you wanted to or should have said. And if I had to live with regrets for not doing what I knew I needed to do ... well, it would be unbearable. Please understand that I'm not trying to "guilt" any of you into anything ... I'm just trying to share what I've learned because I've recently experienced losing both of my dear parents. They weren't perfect; my father especially wasn't always easy; and I wasn't always the best daughter. However, next to your father, their wellbeing and happiness were my top priorities. Above all else, you must know that my love, time, energy, and money went to care for them and your father, as it does now for your father alone. I know that I tried to put myself in their shoes and do everything I possibly could for them, just as I would hope that my daughter and granddaughter will do for me someday. So, please do what you can to visit with him sooner rather than later. As we all know, "later" doesn't always arrive. And if you all can't make it here together (with or without your spouses) please know, again, that you are always welcome to come visit on your own. Love, Kathy ...................................... This is the email I received back from SD2: Dad and Kathy, I spoke very briefly to (brother - SS) this morning. He should find out within a couple of days when he has to go to (foreign country for work). I would prefer October 17 as I think it would be better for my work. Our freshmen are arriving tomorrow and school begins September 22. Its always crazy this time of year and I can feel the tension around my office increasing each hour. So IÂm hoping that (brother - SS) will know in two days (by Thursday) if he is available Oct. 17. If he doesnÂt know by then, maybe IÂll need to get bite the bullet and be brave and let (my boss) know IÂm taking Friday, Sept. 26 off (donÂt ask, tell her!!) and weÂll come that weekend. I want to know by Thursday so that I can book at least a one week in advance flight. IÂm leaning towards flying out on Thursday night but that will get me in to Seattle between 10-11 pm then I will need to drive to (your home). If I leave on Friday, half the day is over before I get there. I will be leaving Sunday evening whether we come Sept. 22 or October 17 to get back to work on Monday. IÂm sorry for all the confusion and seemingly indecisiveness. But itÂs just that all of our lives, like everyone elseÂs, is complicated with all 3 of our work schedules. I havenÂt spoken to (SD1) yet but hopefully sheÂs flexible. Love, SD2 ................................................. Here's the email I sent back to all three of them Dear SD2, SD1, and SS, Thank you both for trying to arrange things. SD2 and SS, I am willing to pick you up and take you back to Seattle airport. Your father might be willing to "go for a ride" since he usually reclines his seat and sleeps whenever we travel beyond (our home town) anyway. I'm accustomed to driving to and from the airport, and night driving isn't a concern for me. It's not my favorite thing, of course, but it's not too difficult as long as there's not rain. However, if both of you, SS and SD2, are able to arrange flight times close to each other and you'd like to rent a car that's fine too. I don't know the need for another vehicle while you're all here, but that's up to you, of course. Your father's still in bed, and I'm bringing coffee in to him and we'll sit and enjoy that. I'll let him know of the (still possible) dates. I know he'll feel relieved and happy to know that you'll all three be here. And SD2, the lawyer I worked with for so long (and who is still a good friend and I admire so much) had a lovely sign in his office. About "easier to ask forgiveness than permission". I think you'll find this true with your boss! Of course, we got most of our clients through that same adage ... trying to sort out their "forgiveness" because they hadn't asked "permission", but I don't think (your boss) will sue you about this! ha ha I'll put the cream in his coffee, and go visit with your father right now. Thank you both (and SD1, too) for trying to arrange this visit with your father. Love, Kathy .................................................. NOW, friends on the Stepfamily forum: I thank you for all your ideas, suggestions, comments, and opinions. My husband made his decision and spoke with all the kids about it. They discussed it amongst themselves. I sent emails and they sent emails. Everything is settled and, as you can see, all communications are friendly, proper, and loving. I am certain we will have a nice visit with them ... whether they arrive in a week or so, or later in October after we return from our one flight of the year ... to a grandson's wedding in Santa Barbara. PLEASE LET THIS TOPIC DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES, NOW. I hate to see so many of you going on and on about this. This is NOT what I needed from any of you. I don't think continuing this conversation is beneficial to anyone. I believe we all know where everyone stands now. However, if any of you would like to learn more about Dementia and/or Alzheimer's Disease, I suggest you do some research. I've read a number of comments that led me to believe some of you just don't understand the disease and its symptoms and behaviors. Now, to all, Goodnight! I'm joining my husband in the library where we will watch (undoubtedly) something on The History Channel, because that's one of his favorites! Kathy in Washington P.S. I'll tell you a perk of being married to a man who fought in World War II: learning my history from him! I know more about that war than I ever learned in school. And I have such a great appreciation for what truly was The Greatest Generation! Please ask questions of anyone you know who fought then -- they'd most likely be happy to share their experiences with you.

Lav: It's just that fridge and big sink on that wall seem to eat up all the countertop. Plus, the fridge needs like, 4" minimum clearance against a fixed wall... I wish that wall were a little longer cause I'd love to have the fridge to the left of the sink like that. I always seem to want to prep to the left of the sink. I don't know if I can change that habit, can I? I get having a prep sink closer to the stove, but this copper sink is made for prep with the cutting board that sits on the ledge and the drain tray. Not to mention that after what that thing cost, DH will probably throw up if I mention getting another sink, lol. Bellsmom: I was told that having the whole wall open is a problem with structural stuff. That's why DH wants a rustic railing with upright beams in part of the opening. I can't tell exactly but the island makes the walk around about 30"... seems too close to the step down for safety? Rosie: Your words are food for thought. I am definitely a sink/window prepper. I tend to live in front of the sink for some reason. Don't really see myself doing too much between the fridge and stove (in the original layout) And, as I said above, I tend to want to work to the left of the sink. Angie's idea is very appealing though. I like the smaller area to cook in and less walking around. I like the fridge out of the main area, so anyone can get something without, 'excuse me'. The one thing DH does is make adult beverages (killer old fashioneds for those familiar with Wisconsinites) and we're always in each others way when that happens. I thought a bar sink over by the window could double as a kind of prep sink and I'd have mondo storage over there, too. But, it does close up the room somewhat, at least for traffic, but maybe not in a bad way. Idaho: thanks for the info and I was kinda thinking that empty corner could be a safe cubby or something like that. Keep our Cracken in there, lol. Marcolo: are you saying to leave the fridge as it is in Angies plan? I'll have to play around with that configuration, too. Thank you...