If I'm really upset at someone, which fortunately doesn't happen very often, I tell them off when I'm in the shower.

I was in a similar situation and took photos, letters and documents and burned every trace of the person. I went outside and watched the smoke rise up into the sky just as their ashes did. As if I was sending everything back to them and I was free of it. It felt like a burden lifted.

Writing a letter to go with it is a brilliant idea.

Louise, I am sorry that you are experiencing regret at this time. Your feeling isn't 'bad' or wrong.....it is how you feel.

You say you didn't get a chance to tell him off, but is that really true? There are many ways to contact a person, be it in person, or the phone, or email. So I suspect that if you really wanted to tell him off, you would have done so. I understand your anger, especially when your Dad was enabling your addict brother. Try to let it go, I know that's hard to do.

Louise, addiction is a family disease and you may wish to seek therapy to help with these unresolved issues. I recently witnessed the following technique that helps clients get closure when they are unable to confront the person directly.

https://evolutioncounseling.com/empty-chair/

You are right of course, and that is part of my mixed feelings. But I am stubborn and so was my Dad. Not my most admirable trait, I admit, but i just feel like I was excected to suck it up.

Nanny, I think I may take your advise. I have been losing sleep over this.

You needn't answer me - is your brother still around and could some of your feelings also be wrapped up in that relationship?

From similar experience, I have found that sitting out on the porch at night and talking to those people helps. Sometimes I rant, sometimes I cry, sometimes I ask why. It does help for awhile.

I think we humans tend to procrastinate, putting things off til tomorrow. Sometimes it is just too late, as in this case, and there is no closure. Though you never actually told your dad off, he probably was aware of your position since you made no attempt to communicate otherwise since your fallout.

I'm glad that you are receptive Louise. I work in Recovery and clients really struggle with the devastating effects from damaged and damaging parents. There are many successful therapeutic modalities designed to help clients recognize and treat the symptoms of dysfunctional family roles so they can understand and change their perception of themselves and others. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to recognize that you need help and I wish you well in your healing journey.

I think that Nanny has offered some very sound advise. There are several helpful tools that therapy can offer to help you work through the anger. That said, I also think it’s important to understand that there are a lot of different layers to the grieving process. Under the circumstances you describe, it’s understandable that you’d be angry with your father but that still doesn’t mean that you don’t/didn’t love him or that you are sad about his passing. Those feelings are most likely there as well, but are just buried for now. Having “no holes barred” conversations with him and/or writing letters is a really catharic practice and I do believe they are there and hear us.

If I am reading this correctly, this has been ongoing for 9yrs or so? Life is too darn short to let unresolved issues rob you of joy. I hope you do find peace.

Some really good advise here. In my immature way, I also resent my Mom who has also forgiven all this and insists on aiding my brother with what’s left of his life. I know that part of my feelings are coming from jealousy as I always tried to please my parents and the “bad” one gets all the favouritism. Immature, I know. This whole thread has been good for me, just to put my feelings down.

I had a series of unnecessarily unpleasant interactions with a family member over time that ultimately led to my deciding to pursue a complete estrangement. I walked away, ended all contact and gave the person no further thought. It was so liberating and, for me, so very much the right thing to do! Maybe you should try it? For some, it may be like quitting an addiction cold turkey but the discomfort feelings should pass and leave you much happier. Whatever you find will work for you, good luck. Follow your own feelings in a guiltless way, understanding that you are working for the solution to a problem you didn't cause. Do what's right for you.

I'm so sorry you're suffering.

I've heard of a therapy you might want to try. Put two chairs opposite each other, sit in one and pretend he's in the other. Then tell him everything you want to tell him. Really get into it. And when you're through, go and sit in his chair and forgive him. It's supposed to be very healing.

There's not just the broken relationship with Dad ... but the complication of having resented brother, as favourite, while growing up ... but with a residue continuing over the years, which was involved with the request/demand that you forgive.

Life does get complicated, doesn't it?

I rather like the idea of the two chairs, inhabiting each in turn.

Sometimes when I have an issue with God, I imagine myself stepping out of my skin, going a short distance away, looking back and asking what response I imagine that God would make.

Though we're supposed to respect God unquestioningly, I've suggested to a number of folks that it's O.K. to have issues with God: He/((She) ain't eggs ... She/He won't break when given some rough handling.

I hope that you can find/work your way through to a satisfactory resolution to this issue.

I hope that you have a trusted friend who is hugely respectful, caring and willing to listen (and who knows how to keep her/his mouth shut not only during ...[ but after, with regard to others, as well]).

Sometimes a leader or regular person of faith can be helpful in dealing with such an issue.

Good wishes as you proceed on this portion of your life's journey.

ole joyful

joyfulguy I think God knows where we're coming from and understands our frustration, anger and pain. I think we're supposed to question things so he can provide an answer. It's not always obvious and sometimes we really have to look at what he maybe trying to tell us. I get what you're trying to say. I think we've all been there. God is our father and just like with our earthly parents sometimes we want to know why. Sometimes we just have to accept that God is telling us "just trust me on this."

louiseab Ibbotson I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. It's hard when you're told growing up be good, work hard and do the right thing and the sibling that does the opposite gets all the care and attention. I understand parents don't like to see siblings not getting along but I don't think it's right he stopped talking to you. Didn't he do what he wanted you to stop doing?

Maybe do some of the ideas people mentioned on here but don't forget to forgive him too. It's really hard but maybe it'll help you feel better and move on. I hope you feel better soon.

The more you can let the anger and resentment go the less they will rule you.

My situation was fraught with almost Peyton Place doings and goings on. So I got up and got gone with my little children and my DH. I kept in contact with one sister and was able to reconnect with the rest when both parents were dead so I was lucky. In the meantime I was on my own without anyone except DH and our kids. I had yelling matches with the monster parents in my head. Then with time and patience forgave them in my head. Then peace. I like the tools people have offered. Hope they help.

I heartily endorse the 'empty chair' exercise. It helps to do this *with* a counselor, to keep you on track. This enabled me to handle a *nasty* MIL -- one who demanded what can only be freely given -- love.

I was also glad that my DH was able to confront his mother her with her deceits before she died. She had concealed his adoption from him, but not from others, for over forty hears. She had never wanted a child and considered him 'bad blood'. Her DH had wanted a child. He died when DH was ten, chaining her to care for my DH via his will. (Do it or get nothing.)