I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth. I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson. He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do). I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it. Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers. I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie. I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything. I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad. I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.

Robert, My husband has a similar situation with his adult son, SS29 soon to be 30 and his ex-wife. Cutting money off to your wife might be pretty hard with big fall-out for you. But, cutting your stepson off is another matter. Although you work out of the country you can say something like "when I come home I don't want SS there." I have a relative who did that with his brother-in-law and it worked. That puts them both on notice that the situation is unacceptable to you. You are out of the country so there is really not a lot you can do other than watch how much money you send. After 13 years, she should know how you feel. My adult SS29 sounds a lot like your SS. I am lucky that mine has always fallen back on his mother instead of on his father that I am married to. Still JUST SAY NO! It works.

I've been there - twice. The first time, I was younger, naive, and allowed my SS to move in w/ my DH and I for his last year + of H.S. It was not as bad as what you described, but there were a lot of similarities - an unmotivated kid with a huge sense of entitlement, no desire to ever work, etc. He ended up going to college so it eventually worked itself out. Last Thanksgiving (Nov.) my DH allowed his adult (24y.o.) DD to move in w/ us despite my protests that it wouldn't be a good idea. We now have three young boys and any of the 'big' kids in the house cause the boys to not want to keep on their schedules. DH turned a blind eye to all of DD's shortcomings, just as he did w/ his son (who after 6 yrs. of college, quit/failed out, won't work, stuck us for all his bills and me for his student loans that I was stupid enough to cosign for.) Anyway, things came to a major boiling point (see my April original post - the reason I came here.) I will say that no matter what I did or said, it didn't matter. No matter how I 'felt' in my own - DH just hid his head in the sand. We finally ended up in a huge argument. At least things were aired out (though he sat beside his DD despite her disrespectful tone towards me.) A few weeks later I said, "I think what we have is worth saving, but I don't feel like saving it right now. So, I'm going to a marriage counselor Tues. at 1pm (or whatever). You can join me if you feel you want to make a last attempt to work through things." He showed up and our lives changed. The counselor was impartial - didn't just side w/ me, agreed that DH was in a tough situation, etc. (We also have $ issues - his DD worked, but wouldn't contribute a cent and while we appear to be well off, have been in a horrible state of affairs since a fire 2.5 years ago that the ins. still has yet to cover.) The counselor basically told DH, "You're doing your grown children no service by continuing to foot the bills for all of their luxuries (cars, cell phones, ins.) You're actually undermining their confidence to be able to handle these things - as all adults do by this stage in their lives (skids are 22, 24, 26) and you're preventing them from establishing credit, learning how to budget, etc." We saw the counselor for a couple of months and it made a huge difference in our lives. I wasn't happy to have to pay that kind of money for a stranger to tell my husband what anyone w/ common sense could have told him, but it was valuable to me for him to hear it from someone who had no motivation to sway the truth. BTW, tell your bf that my SS was just like his son only was brilliant in school. I feel that because my DH never said what he meant and meant what he said, the boy is now a man who cannot stand on his own two feet. No work, no school for years - just living off his bf(they are gay, one reason I felt he needed to stay w/ us way back when as his mom was very condemning. I've worried about the suicide thing, too.) My DH would say, "Now son, you have to work for us all summer long, then we'll match what you've earned and help you get a car." Well, SS showed twice for work (at our office - we are dentists), both times in the late afternoon. I grew angry and bitter - felt like I wanted to hide at my parents when he was around - running from my own house! At the end of the summer, DH snuck out behind my back (we had our first baby at that point who was a newborn) and bought that kid a new car. I was furious. Now, DH realizes how stupid he was (or so he says) and how he basically asked for his son to turn into the bum that he is today by never having to work for anything. It was all handed to him. We finally just stopped (six mos. ago) allowing him to have the car we paid for monthly - we actually had a PI repo it. We can't sell it, and it's the new excuse SS gives for not working. He hasn't spoken to us since right after our fire - still pay for his cell just to know he's OK. We believe he's in another state from us these days, but he's pouting like a child and refuses our calls - even when his father nearly died last year! Amazing. Good luck. Get counseling. All parents get defensive when their child is criticized, so pointing out the kid's flaws will do no good. Have a counselor lead your bf. I always said that we needed the counselor to help w/ dialogue - how to tell my SD that I needed help around the house, and that she really needed to look for another place in X number of months. So, tell your BF that you don't feel SS is hearing you and that maybe a professional can help. Once you get him there, you can go through the issues and just ask the counselor's opinion as to how he/she feels is the best way to handle this or that. And, if he continues to bring illegal drugs into your house, you could be liable. Tell him you'll call the police - then do it! Dana

Ah Robert, I feel for you. Your wife feels guilty and therefore feels the need to alleviate that guilt through money, or letting him live with you, etc. She is the mother bear to a cub that has grown up and still feels the need to protect him. The challenge with "loaning" money to the kids is that if it isn't repaid, then how can we feel good about loaning more? I'd rather they at least try to pay and then let me forgive the rest of the debt if I choose. A mother always feels that no one will love and protect their child like she will and I'm here to tell you that she'll lie to you if she feels you're not accepting or have empathy of her sons plight (immaturity). Maybe rather than "buck" her in this try to find a place where she'll feel that you are "protecting" him? Whatever you do, do NOT tell her what a lazy SOB he is. And if that's already occurred, figure out a way to "undo" it. Did he finish his education? Does he have a viable way of making a working wage? If you have it in your heart could you possibly tell her that you'll forgive the debts and not bring it up again if she'll work with you in helping him help himself?