maddad, I would first try talking to your wife about your concerns. It sounds to me like your enabling him to become a nonindependent adult and not responsible for himself. If you don't help him to find income and meaning in his life he will live with you forever. It is good he is paying rent, but how can he afford it if he doesn't have a job? Your wife and you need to sit down with him and help him with a plan and set some rules. This will help him grow up and become a responsible self functioning adult. I have a step son and daughter who continue to mismanage money and then come to DH (daddy) to bail them out. Just lately when DH has stopped always bailing them out the SKs seem to be manangeing their money better. A parent can enable a child to remain a child which is of no help to anyone. Hope this helps.

He does have a job so he does have an income, its just a dead end job that isn't going to do much for him. I have tried to talk to my wife about him but she doesn't like being in the middle of it. I think she'd prefer if I never told her my concerns. She knows what's going on but I think she's now focusing on our own kids, which are 1,4 & 6. She is very very disappointed in him and I think it pains her to listen to me complain about him or tell her we need to do something about him. He's 20 yrs old now, we can no longer ground him or punish him. I no longer know how to movitivate without just saying "straighten up or get out."

He's 20, which also means you do not have to let him live with you. The "shape up or ship out" method might be enough.

ADD requires managing, which requires habits - can you talk him into taking the meds long enough (a year or so) to get some habits that can keep him going? What are his objections to the meds? They do have some side effects, but they also help the ADD brain focus.

He can't help the ADD, but he can choose to let it run his life, or take charge of his life.

My BF has 2 college-age sons with ADD. With meds, the more seriously affected one can't even organize a trip to the movies. With meds, and after 6 months of INTENSE "how to make and live by a schedule" training, he's getting great grades in college.

Executive function disorder is a common part of ADD, as well as other learning disabilities. In addition, the brain's frontal lobe doesn't develop completely, especially in boys, until the mid-twenties. At least he has a job, even if it is a dead-end one. Forcing him out of the home will not likely result in a magical transformation into a fully functioning adult. To some extent, it is a matter of time - he will become more mature, even though the ADD will not disappear.

He does not like to take the meds because he says they dampen his creativity. He's a writer and he spends a lot of time writing stories, screenplays, etc. He says when he takes the meds it makes him focus too much and he can't write. I think the meds just make him feel like a person that doesn't have ADD. When he was on the meds he was getting great grades and his forgetfulness was minimal. Now that he won't take them, he can't even remember to turn off lights, close doors, etc. Last week he went to work and listened to the radio in the parking lot while waiting for his shift to begin. When it was time to start work, he just got out of the car and went to work, forgetting to turn off the keys. I got a call at midnight saying his battery was dead.

At 20 yrs old we can't force him to take the meds. Would it be unreasonable to tell him if you want to live in our house, you'll have to get on the meds and learn how to organize your life?

Do you really want him to be taking meds for the rest of his life? Maybe it does dampen his creativity; maybe he doesn't like the way he feels on meds; maybe he doesn't like the potential for side effects, either short or long term. There is not a lot of research on the long term effects of ritalin and similar drugs on adolescents.

Have you never left the lights on in your car? I am not sure that leaving the keys in the ignition is much different. He certainly isn't the first person to have ever done that.

I know some wonderful, successful adults with ADD. Not everyone is the same; not every adolescent matures at the same rate.

Isn't it his house, too?

I think it would be reasonable to say "If you live here, you will live here on meds, because your disorganizaiton is causing US problems.

It probably doesn't dampen his "creativity" - my ADD housemate thgouth it did, but what was happening was that when he focused, he realized he was writing crap.

No, I dont want him to be on meds for the rest of his life, I want him to become a functional productive part of society.

I have left the lights on my car, maybe twice in my lifetime. I have never heard of anyone just get out of their car with the keys and radio on. He does things like this several times per week. He works second shift so every time he has a "moment" with his car, I get a call at midnight to come help him out. He works 35 minutes away from the house so this is a problem. The phone call at midnight sometimes wakes up the little kids in the house so that is a problem as well.

I'd like to think it's his house too, but he has no interest in being a part of the family or the house. He does not help around the house or pitch in around the house. He does not interact with the family at all. He'd much rather sit in his room and play video games then have to deal with his little brothers and sisters. They "annoy" him.

My best friend and her son both have pretty severe ADD -- she isn't medicated, but she makes her son take the meds. I'm not sure why she doesn't like taking the meds, but the steps she has taken to organize her life are amazing. She's got lists and tools galore, and manages to get more done than anyone else I know.

Since he's an adult, I don't feel like you really have the right to insist that he be midicated. But since he's living under your roof, I feel you do have the right to insist that he be "fully functional". And I'd state your expectations that clearly -- Either he learns how to function unmedicated (with as much of your help as he feels he needs), he agrees to go back on the medication, or he moves out.

I wonder if he feels like the odd man out - his half siblings are all almost young enough to be his kids, and I suspect that they receive a lot more positive attention than he does. Why is his mom focusing on the little children while ignoring him? I get the feeling from these posts that the adults in his life would prefer that he had never been born; if he feels that way, it is no wonder he hides out in his room.

I'm dealing with a teenage stepson with ADD, and I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to be functional in your house. For those who say it is his house too, where do you draw the line on acceptable and unacceptable behavoirs? Isn't it the parents and younger kids house too? Sorry, all those disruptions, problems, manipulations are way beyond what you should have to put up with.

And I don't really feel sorry for him having younger half-siblings around. Gee, I know families with 4 kids, and you know what - the older ones HELP the parents take care of the younger ones!

If he can make the decision not to take meds then he can make a decision on how to get himself and car home after leaving the radio on. I'm guessing if he doesn't get help from you on things, then he would just quit or lose his job. Sounds like manipulation to me. I'm also guessing that your wife is trying to keep the peace at home and is probably worn out from all the unpleasant things that go with ADD.

And, it is your home and you can make the rules: the age, sex, degree of relative of the person who can't/won't abide by the rules doesn't matter.

I hope things will get better for you and your family.

theotherside, you assumptions are incorrect. He has received plenty of positive attention. We have sent him to tutors to help with studying when he needed help. We have sent him to counselors, our family has gone to counselors and I have gone to counselors, all to help him. I have helped him buy his last 4 cars, even after he cracks them up because he's not paying attention while driving. We have helped him straighten out his banking disasters because he can't keep it organized. We helped him get into college, then he failed after one semester because he didn't want to do homework. We spend A LOT of time helping him and coaching him, all of which ends up in no results. He is 20 yrs old, so at this point we would expect that he doesn't need as much coaching and help and we should be focusing on our little kids.

Gardenwench is 100% accurate, my wife is trying to keep peace in the house. She is much more forgiving on her sons shortcomings than I am.

I am not sure your stepson would consider tutors and counselors to be positive attention. I asked my son, who is also 20 and has executive function disorder, and he would not consider those things to constitute positive attention. He also pointed out that you can't just kick him out and expect him to magically become organized. My son said that if I were to kick him out right now, he wouldn't be able to find an apartment, support himself, and handle his finances, and your stepson sounds much worse off since he is distractible.

I spend quite a lot of time helping my son organize his homework, his finances, and his life. He still needs a lot of help to organize his studying. He is improving as he gets older; his boss depends on him, he is never late to work, never skips class, and his younger siblings can depend upon him to get them to their activities. I don't, however, feel that I can or should focus more on his younger siblings - I just have to find time to focus on all of them concurrently. Raising a bunch of kids is just plain time consuming - especially when some of them are learning disabled. It's a lot harder though for those families with severely handicapped children who will never be able to live on their own.

I doubt if he merely didn't "want" to do his homework. Kids with executive function disorder have difficulty with tasks that involve delayed gratification, and kids with ADD have even greater problems with homework.

Have you considered helping him find a literary agent, since you said he is a writer?

otherside -
No, it isn't "his house too", unless he's paying part of the mortgage and utilities. Even then, just like in any group living arrangement, each member of the group has to pitch in and also has to respect the needs of the others.

Sweeby -
Exactly. Do what it takes to become a functional member of the household.

gardenwench -
"If he can make the decision not to take meds then he can make a decision on how to get himself and car home after leaving the radio on. I'm guessing if he doesn't get help from you on things, then he would just quit or lose his job."

And it might be a good learning experience. Letting people deal with the consequences of their decisions is hard to do - the parental instinct to rescue the kid is strong - but it's an essential part of growing up.

I believe the original poster said his stepson was paying $250 a month.

Unfortunately, a 20 year old with ADD may well be functioning at the level of a 14 or 15 year old when it comes to planning and organizational skills. It is not helpful to assume that kids with learning disabilities are purposely acting immature.

Here is the deal. You stick with this young man. You sit on top of him. You hold him accountable for every swinging thing! Be there! Not just you, your wife too and especially her! There should be no quarrels between you and your wife. Don't give this young man a reason to want to hold up in his room.

theotherside, I understand we can't just kick him out, that is why he's still living with us.

It sounds like you do a good job of helping your son, but the big difference there is that your son actually wants the help or appreciates the help.

We try very hard to focus equally on all of our kids, but when you have a 1 yr old, 4 yr old and a 6 yr old, they tend to need a lot of attention. It's very hard to continue helping the 20 yr old when he resists the help and refuses to take the meds that help him focus and organize.

Yes, we've found several contacts for him and his writing. He has contacted some but usually never follows through with any of them. He says its too much work.

My son doesn't always seem at the time to appreciate the help as much as one would hope, though in the long run he does. I have read that some parents, and even some adults with ADD, hire coaches to help organize their lives. The good news is that people with ADD/executive function disorder keep maturing, even into their thirties.

Little kids do require a lot of attention, but based on my personal experience, and what I have observed in the families of my friends and neighbors, in some ways that does not change as they get older. First it is sports/art/plays, and then later driving them back and forth to college, spending time with them talking about majors and careers, flying across country to visit them, planning their weddings, helping them fix up their houses, caring for the grandchildren - having a large family is wonderful, certainly never boring, but definitely time-consuming. Years from now you may look back on the days when the little ones were 1, 4, and 6 and think about how much simpler it was when they were all in one place and a family dinner didn't require a month of planning.

Not sure what has come out of this situation, would like to hear. I personally think it sounds like he does not take his meds because it is an excuse to be "lazy" - too many people blame their actions or bad behavior on ADD or OCD....I have seen families go through this as well. One doctor says the child has ADD while another doctor says it is manipulation...we label children WAY to much in this day and time. This is what my husband ex says is wrong with her 24 year old - who still lives at home...he does not have ADD - but she had him on meds for years - which made him worse. In her case we believe it is just a control issue to keep him there to tend to the 15 year old. To me if he is 20 - you need to put a spark under him and MAKE him responsible. If I had a 20 year old acting this way...no way. You have every right to make these demands on him. It is your home.