I do agree that it might be time to seek professional help. The mother-daughter relationship is known to get more stressful in the teen years, and based on where you are starting, that's not good. In the meantime, I have a suggestions. Start a communication journal with your daughter. Like a 2-way diary. You start by writing a note to her in a notebook, journal, whatever you want to use. End with a question for her to answer. Rules: 1. She can write anything she wants to write. 2. But you cannot write anything negative. I know it's not fair, but that's how it has to work. ;o) 3. Each entry, from both of you, must answer a question and ask a question. This needs to be a safe place for her, so she can write anything she is thinking. But she needs to know that every time she opens that journal she is going to find supportive words you wrote about her. (A girl might have days when she just needs to read those words over and over again.) Make your first entries about your favorite memories of her, what about her makes you proud, what she should hear about herself that she might not hear every day. Make your first questions to her benign, open-ended questions, nothing too deep until she starts to get more personal with her entries. Follow her lead. So start with questions like "Who is your favorite teacher, why?" or "Describe the character from a book who is most like you." Other questions that might give you insight into her thinking, "What was the best and worst thing that happened this week?" "The things I wish my mom understood about me are....." "I just hate when this happens...." "My favorite day would be..." "I am thankful for ..." Ask a variety of questions that will give a chance to think about the positive, as well as vent about what upsets her. Make a positive comment about her answers, but do not judge them. Let her know she can ask you whatever questions she wants to ask in this journal. Write every couple days. Answer her quickly, but give her a couple days to answer you. When she starts in verbally with attitude, suggest that she write it down then you will read it. That will make her think it through, and calm her down. She is allowed to leave the journal with you and leave the room, she doesn't have to stand and watch you read it. In fact, it's might be best sometimes if you are not together, then you cannot speak out without thinking it through first. I think this will be good for both of you. It will make communication less confrontational, it will give her a place to vent, it will make you stop and reflect on the qualities you treasure about your DD, and it will put those positives right in front of her face, to read over and over, boosting her self-esteem. When the mood swings happen, stay calm, speak in whispers, focus on the immediate behavior not past behavior or generalizations about her character. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Use a sense of humor. Before you say a word, think to yourself what message you want to send, not just what is popping into your head in anger. Fewer words is better. Something like a word for every year of age, plus or minus a couple. My DD is almost 8 and has her moments already, too. She is not as extreme with me as you describe (yet). Her teacher says she "wishes every student were like her." But DD saves the mean streak for home. She will demand my attention when I'm otherwise occupied, pitch a dramatic fit over homework that I know she can do, give me "the look" when I ask her to do a chore, pick on her younger brother out of boredom, and all those mean stunts. I feel like we're at a fork in the road. I can control what direction we take by how I respond to her "tests." I try to teach her self-calming techniques. I tell her to go outside, get some fresh air, write, read, listen to music. I know the behavior she is capable of, so I expect it as much as possible. No one is perfect, though, we all have our meltdowns from time to time. But we don't have the right to impose our meltdowns on other people, that's what I want her to learn. I remind her make HERSELF proud of her behavior. Sometimes I ask "What would you say to a friend who acted like you're acting right now?" Once, when she was whining about something or other, I told her "Whine louder, cuz you know it helps." She stopped instantly, confused, and said "No, it doesn't." Good answer! So why are you whining? Now I tell my kids that every time they whine. They will say it to other people who are whining! LOL! Geez, that was longer than I planned. Hope something in my rambling was helpful. Good luck!

You say you've threatened to call the cops if they physically hurt their sister... it sounds like you may have to do more than threaten if it ever happens again. Physical abuse is a crime, and I don't think you have to be 18 to be accountable. There is a very clear line of what can and can't be condoned, talked through or otherwise worked out and physical abuse is over that line. The boys need to know very plainly and in no uncertain terms that if they hurt the girls or anyone else, they will be picked up by the cops. As for the other stuff (lying, refusing to do chores), well, obviously that's harder to deal with because it's more vague. But I think it's safe to say that in most human dealings, the best way to influence or improve somebody's behavior is to make it real unpleasant for them to continue what they're doing... to make it in their interest to change their behavior. And let them know the deal so there is no surprise or uncertainty so that if they choose to misbehave they have no one to blame for the repercussions they suffer but themselves. It may not prove a foolproof method, but I'd guess it's worth a try. Like for example: "Dude, you are NOT going to like what happens if I hear you call your sister a bad name again, because you're not going to like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and vinegar at 5:00 in the morning. Your choice." Or: "yeah I know you don't really feel like doing the dishes. And I don't really feel like cooking you dinner or paying for your phone either. If you back out on your promises and contributions to the family, I guess others in the family have a right to back out on their promises and contributions to you. It's much better for all of us if we all pitch in and do things to help each other out. But again, your choice." You as the step-parent who isn't even living full-time with the step-kids REALLY don't have to do anything for them. Their mom obviously has to provide a basic decent level of care and make sure there's food in the house for them to eat, etc. But at their age she doesn't have to cook it! There are plenty of "extra" things you and she can leverage and refuse to do for them until they learn to behave decently, without running the risk of being negligent parents. In the meantime, though, do proceed with family counseling. Even though the boys' behavior desperately needs changing, it sounds like there are some genuine adjustment problems and anger issues that need to be addressed. Especially with the older boy, who sadly sounds like he has had a lot in his life to be angry about. He just can't be allowed to continue expressing it in the ways that he has been.

Whithja, Just because *GF is telling me I need to loosen up and that I'm too uptight. That I'm too rules oriented* Doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you as a parent either. Ask yourself these? *Would you allow your daughters to demand untill they got their way? *Would you allow your daughters to throw fits? *Would you allow your daughters to continually lie to you? *Would you allow your daughters to be downright rude and disrespectful to adults including your GF? In short would you allow them to behave the way she does? Frankly I would be embarrased of my parenting if (were Step, long Story) my adopted twin daughters carried on like that. And marriage isn't going to magically change anything. Your Girlfriend is already playing the *My Kid Your Kid* game, She thinks you should be the one to *loosen up* and she flies off the handle at the mine mention of anything to do with these problems. You work these things out before marriage not after the rings are on the fingers. Your Girlfriend Sounds as though she wants you to all the compromising, her child to be able to act anyway she wants and and that ring on her finger. IMHO that's unfair to you but ultimately most unfair to your girls. Think long and think hard.

I completely share your pain with having to be treated as if you and SD are the same person to your husband/her dad. In my own situation, the cynic in me started to feel like I was my BF's daughter as well...because when he would show affection to me he would turn around and show affection to her. It's as if he didn't want her to feel left out. But what he didn't realize was that he was leaving me out (or at least that is how I interpreted it). I have an 8 year old son and we are very close. But he knows that my relationship with my BF is drastically different from my relationship with him. I don't kiss my boyfriend and then turn around and kiss my son so that he doesn't feel left out. Most men cannot distinguish between the fine lines of these types of relationships. Just yesterday, she made a comment to her dad "Well, your girlfriend is going to get all glammed up for you. I want to get my nails done too." So he gave her $40 and we both went to the same salon and got our nails done. Before leaving, her dad pulled me aside and asked if I would get the french manicure because he really thinks it looks chic and classy. I told him absolutely. His daughter (like most teens do) always got designs, bright colors, etc. but when we got to the salon, she asked if she could get the french mani done. And nothing is wrong with that. It's just that it's annoying to us. We are letting her behaviour and his get the best of us. Is this because we feel like an outsider...like she will be around for the duration but he can drop us like a hot potato. Does this mean that you and I are insecure? Maybe. But what it shouldn't mean is anything at all having to do with their behaviour as questionable or incestuous. He has lived this part of his life with her as the only other FEMALE. So naturally, the lines are incredibly blurred for the both of them (my BF and his daughter) (your husband and his daughter) for whatever reasons there are (and most times dad only explains it as being over protective of his little girl). But what starts to happen innocently enough is that the two have a relationship that mimics the ones that grown ups have without the physical part but certainly flutters on the psychologically romantic overtures but moreso just a pretty normal relationship between one person and another. Like fixing breakfast for the other, going out to dinner, going out to the movies, talking about cars, talking about sports, sharing the bathroom, washing the laundry, going on vacations, etc. The reason that I believe the trend is not to call us "Step" anylonger, is that it means that we are stepping in, replacing, barging, changing things, pushing away. It will take time (the same goes for me) to see that their relationship isn't salacious and questionable but that it's the only way these kinds of dads know how to treat their daughters. It only becomes wrong when we start making it wrong, when we step in and try to change things and not let their relationship exist and grow and mature. Yes, it is a juggling act to turn our feelings on and off and to not let things like, getting the same presents or surface affection (like hugs and kisses on the cheek or forehead)annoy us. But that is all that it is...an annoyance to us. It doesn't mean that dad prefers his daughter over you and we certainly shouldn't be thinking of it that way or in any way at all. What it means is that the daughter hasn't grown out of this attention seeking and re-assurance stage with dad and also that no one (namely dad) has taught her or steered her in a direction that shows that she is still a priority for him but that he has other priorities as well which are just as important to him. He doesn't want to feel guilty and inasmuch as she wants to be the apple of his eye, he too wants to be her hero and someone that she looks up to. It's up to you to find your middle ground, pick your battles and make yourself understand that your relationship is as beautiful as you believe it to be...but don't live in a fantasy land. If you let them flourish they (especially the daughter) will come to appreciate you. At least this is what I'm trying to do in my own situation.