I don't know where I heard this but one great piece of advice for me in parenting my YA kids (29/26) was to stop thinking of myself as their boss and instead be their consultant.

In other words, they are now ADULTS and I have neither the right nor ability to dictate to them how to behave/think/live. However I hope to be someone they know they can trust as a listening ear and support, to give advice based on 'here's what I think' or 'you may want to consider'.

I have noticed my son and daughter bristle at being told what to do and at direct criticism. So I tell myself quite often that this is their life, not mine, to live. So far they seem to want to keep their dad and me in the loop of talking openly about their lives and asking for our input. I hope that relationship continues as their lives evolve.

I agree that shame and instinct to protect seals some parents' lips. A response on the sober homes thread refers to some parents not sharing because they view parenting as a competition and I agree that's sometimes the case. But in my experience if you want your young adult children to talk to you about their fears, their mistakes, their failures, then you need to be discreet about sharing your parenting ups and downs with your parent friends.

I do think other parents are a wonderful resource and sometimes it's a great idea to ask for that help or give that help.

I should have added my best advice for parents of young adults. Don't take too much credit for their successes and don't take too much blame for their failures. I definitely think good parenting helps kids and bad parenting hurts them. But some of who they are is just who they are, the good parts and the bad.

Yes, to all you have said. Not taking too much credit for the good and the bad, realizing the randomness of genetics and freewill, being an consultative instead of dictatorial, all so true- and of course, respecting our children's privacy.

Here is one of my I wish I had done this betters:

DS1 is too wrapped up in himself still at 18. His knee jerk reactions are pretty selfish, though his thoughtful reactions are almost never selfish. I did not work hard enough on getting him to abandon the knee jerk. I thought he would grow out of being overly defensive when he was in the wrong (not that I let him get away with it- but just pointing out the behavior either calmly like a good parent or screaming like a banshee like a bad parent has not been helpful) and too selfish in the heat of battle. The time between when he amends his behavior has shortened- but the instinct is still there and frankly, appalls me. I have modeled the behavior I have wanted to see from Day One- so why on earth???

My kids both did a lot of growing up between the ages of 18 and 22. And particularly between the ages of 18 and 24. A lot of 18-year-olds are spectacularly selfish and many of the ones who seem good or even great on the surface are kind of jerky underneath sometimes, even if they don't let mom or dad see it. You know your son better than we do, but one day you might be surprised to find you did a better job than you thought.

One of my kids seemed much more selfish than the other at age 18. Fast forward 7 years later and that kid is kind, thoughtful, reasonable and giving. Life has a way of teaching our kids sometimes far better than we can.

Oh boy I don't think there is any perfect advice. I was always brutally honest with my kids about what I expected from them and from me. I was not their friend. It was up to me to teach my kids how to be adults, what the behaviour expectations were as you got older - respect for everyone (not just your elders), setting goals, finding like friends with the same goals.

I always asked questions - who did you have lunch with today, where did you sit, who did you walk home with and because I always asked questions it became the norm. At dinner, no tv but talking about your day and you had to give something good and something bad or that made you unhappy from your day.. That was where most of the discussions came from was the problem solving of the something bad/unhappy.

We always kept our kids busy with things that were individual choices (soccer or mountain biking or wall climbing), family choices done as a family (skiing, holidays - if we were paying they would still do that) and mom's choice - learn an instrument and join the band. :) Once they committed to something they had to finish out the term.

My kids are now 28 and 30 and yes there were hiccups along the way (like DS2 being brought home by the RCMP when he was 17 for drinking in a public place and my son told the cop that whatever they could do to him was nothing compared to what I would do, he was grounded for 2 weeks but he lost car privileges for 2 months) but they still come home looking for advice about work and life. As someone said we are now consultants.

It might seem to some that I was a controlling or interfering parent but my thinking was, especially with sons, is that if you keep their boundaries narrow and the expectations never changing then when they stray (and they will), the straying that they do won't lead them into trouble.

It was their choice as to what post-secondary school they went to and what they studied regardless of the fact that I was paying. By the time they hit 18 as parents, if we're honest, we know where our kids will succeed and I have always had trouble with those parents who say that because they're paying then they get to say what their kids will study and I realize that statement will cause controversy.. My kids did choose well and both were surprises to us but made sense.

My biggest piece of advice is don't just listen to your kids but pay attention to their moods, their body language, their routines at home and their behaviour.For example, if they usually come in and say hi to you but one day they go straight to their room and shut the door - go and knock on that door and walk in and sit down and stay in their room until they talk. Doing that saved us a boatload of potential trouble and even though he yelled at me to leave his room I didn't.

What doesn't matter - the length of their hair or hair colour (yes, even boys), how messy their rooms are, whether or not they score a goal or win a race, how popular they are.

Where did I fail - I was too slow in giving them independence as young teens and they forced the issue for which I am grateful, I was too slow in not realizing that excellent marks are the only acceptable result and that sometimes doing their best is an acceptable result which is something their history teacher taught me.

Anyway, way too long but I'll leave it.

I guess my advice applies more to teens than young adults (although one could argue the difference is slight) but don't be afraid to access help. My workplace offered some free counselling through its EFAP (Employee and Family Assistance Program) and a bit of impartial 3rd party listening helped us at a time we were all struggling.

I don't know if I agree with shame being the reason. With young children, what works for one will often work for many. But as children grow, and their choices, options and life experiences and influences become so much more varied, guidance must become much more individualized--even to the sibling level.

I wish I could say. There are nearly 17 years between the first and last of our three sons and three daughters, all remarkably the same and yet completely different from each other.

How did we raise these six? In a house that was too small! But also not a single spanking, never sent a kid to bed hungry or in tears, no shaming, no religious upbringing of any sort. Never told a single one of them he or she was the best or the favorite, or why can't you be like one of the others? or anything like that, but recently one of our grandkids told me that she knows her daddy is our favorite kid, while another said it's great that his mom is our favorite! Who knew?

Listen, laugh, talk. They are all individuals. Our 45 yo son and his 44 yo wife and two kids are contemplating buying another house. They asked us to drive 350 miles to tour it with them, which we did this weekend! He has his MA in music, she is a PhD professor of psychology, and they asked mom and dad's advice! I have no idea what we did to deserve such wonderful kids. I wish I could say. Just love them, I guess, and try not to be critical. Even when it's hard!

DaisyinGA, it is so nice to hear boys mature more during the college years. I was an only child from a small family and I was very shocked to discover how much more slowly boys mature in general. And I have noticed the nice boy on the surface, not so nice when you get to know him phenomenon- that was pretty surprising to me too.

blfenton, great advice about being alert to shifts in mood and being consistently interested in the their experiences.

flowerpower, the power of an objective third party- makes perfect sense- I am not sure I would have thought of seeking one out to help smooth rough patches- that would cool tempers and get people out of their usual family drama roles.

gyr_falcon, I see what you mean about advice needing to be more personal as children age. It's not just a matter of directives, it's a matter of understanding that everyone has struggles and they work themselves out eventually- even if the struggle is not identical- and even though we all know intellectually that of course- everyone struggles from time to time.

sheesh, I can hardly think of anything more satisfying than having brought up children who are happy and come back home to share their lives with you. Your children sound lovely. And now you get to enjoy being a grandparent- happiness multiplied!

My 3 offspring are in their 20's. I am shocked when DD#1 told me how her college gang sat around and compared parenting stories. "My mom did this______" She lets me know they all HAVE TO MEET ME because she has described me/ her up bringing in such a way I seem to them to be a real bizarre character. I know back in the day I was THE STRICTEST mom in town (aren't we all, LOL). BUT then at other times both daughters have told me "I don't know anything about raising kids--I will bring them to you mom, you know it all" so for good or bad, I know they feel their upbringing "worked" for them!!! My biggest mistakes were not respecting their privacy when comparing notes with my BFF. Women manage their lives by sharing/comparing/evaluating with friends. DH was cool with my level of friend sharing--my teens not so much. Some of the other things mentioned really are a matter of personal choices. Growing up military I was never invested in my school community. I wanted that for my kids. I PUSHED them to be involved IN SOMETHING. It was ALWAYS their choices as to what. They had full sleeves on their Letterman jackets, and narry a sport among them. Now it seems they are in-bread to BE INVOLVED, I am in awe of them. I have one "quitter" in the bunch and she and I fought mightily over her finishing the season/term etc. I let her win where jr. high band was concerned (dropped out at the end of the term) and an advanced calc class as a senior. She was NEVER doing upper math again in her life..so what the heck. Ya can't win them all moms!! Mine were raised on the cusp of cell phones. I think cell phones, particularly SMART phones are a parents worst competition for time/values/conversation. I don't know how one could do it but it would have been my goal to LIMIT their use as much as possible. DS as the oldest had a cell phone, Senior year in high school. His social behavior increased exponentially when it grew into his hand. No way would that have been ok if he had been any younger. Holding him at bay would have been MUCH harder, I fear. For him the WORST part of me as a parent was I am professionally a teacher. I work in the high school he attended. Some where between being the go to parent in elementary and high school things FLIPPED for him. He used to INSIST I chaperone his field trips. When he came to high school I was 'ORDERED' not to ever speak to any of his friends in the halls. At 25 he continues to have a social persona he doesn't show us (recent family weddings have made this apparent) but we get to meet the women he dates and he calls each week to fill us in on his week, so I call that all good. He volunteers at the VA hospital and at an elementary school for a lego league (he is an engineer). With the holiday upon us I will have a full house--I know I am very blessed to be able to say I am looking forward to every moment and I have no reservations about how everyone will get along and there is no "awkwardness" or tense moments in our home. I wish I could say that about my family of origin.

#1 Family meals--even through HS/jobs/ they were all three at the table every night.

#2 TALK--busy hands opens mouths. Dishes/car rides/chores

#3 Play together as well as WORK together. Saturdays we roofed a house, cleared land, built furniture, fixed cars...spent Sunday's we boated and tubed.

We went to professionals for advice when needed. It is so interesting that a couple who basically have the same values and goals in mind can approach the "how to handle things" so differently.

I guess it makes sense since DH and I were raised very differently. These difference started to matter when we had our two DD's.

My advice would be to seek help if you come to a roadblock.

I never shared either DD's personal struggles with my friends. Once, my oldest had just broken up with a BF, she was upset and I wound up late for a lunch date with friends. I know my friends meant well when they wanted to know details, really to help me, but, this was my daughter's personal life and one can receive support without having to divulge everything. It's important for them to know that what they say in confidence, stays that way. A good friend's daughter used to write notes to her mom and they started with, "for your eyes only." This meant that the DD did not even want my friend to discuss the situation with her husband!

We all make mistakes. I used to have a rewind joke with my DD's. We would pretend to walk backward and then start the conversation over.

All this said, in looking back, yes there would be a lot I would change if I could. But, in the end, I think both my daughters are good people, working hard, and making positive contributions.

arcy, "busy hands open mouths," oh yes, I have learned my boys open up much better when they are engaged in something like helping put away the dishes or even playing Mario Kart with me.

eld, clearly it's vital to respect boundaries with our children. They are not simply a part of our experience.

My advice that I told my own kids many times over the years: "I don't care what you think now, people continue to evolve throughout their entire lives. And it's especially true when you're under thirty. Think about it, you are a grade schooler the first day of kindergarten and the last day of fifth grade. But what a difference in how you look at the world, how you think, act and react, what you like to do, etc.! It's the same as a middle schooler, and in high school. Think about the first day freshman versus a twelfth grader ready to graduate. Both high schoolers, but big differences, because you evolve so much in between. So, yes you're considered a legal adult at eighteen, but you need to remember that you're going to continue to evolve and grow, and your view of the world, people and how you react to them or act on them will evolve and change, too. What you like, what you want to do, the people you are attracted to as friends, boyfriends or girlfriends will evolve, too. So, don't be in too big of a hurry to settle down. Live, get educated, start a career, travel. Meet lots of different people. Around your late-twenties (or later with some), you should hopefully have a better idea of who YOU are, what you want, uninfluenced by other's opinions, and ultimately, who you'd like to spend the rest of your life with."

Some may not agree with my opinion, but it's mine and I do. So does my DH. And it has resonated with both our kids. DS got his bachelors and masters degrees, and then joined the military and travelled the word before he settled down and married a wonderful young (30 y/o, well educated, travelled and evolved) woman last year, just before his 32nd birthday. DD, at 23 and now working on her masters, tells us that she has a lot of things she wants to do and see before she settles down. Yes, I know, many people still do marry young and are very happy. It's right for them. Everyone is different, but I'm glad my own two continued/continue to evolve a while longer.

This thread comes at a really good time for me! I so appreciate all of your wisdom. DS (20) is home from college for the Summer and we are definitely going through a difficult phase.

He has his first serious girlfriend who is from Indiana (very close to Chicago), but doing an internship in Denver for the Summer. He works with us at my Sister's breakfast restaurant and works at another restaurant at night. If he's not working, he is Skyping the GF, reading books together, or watching movies. One night, we all watched a movie while she watched the same thing and skyped together. His head is SO out of the game. He totaled his car, not sure if he was texting or "reaching for his coffee" as he said, but we were very fortunate he didn't hurt himself or anyone else. He is usually in his room, is not helpful, barely speaks to us and seems to have a bit of disdain for us that he never had before. I KNOW in my heart that this is totally normal and I'm trying really hard not to let it hurt my feelings, but boy it is hard. Just when I'm ready to strangle him, the police officer "gushes" to his lawyer about what a good kid he is and how polite and apologetic he was after the accident. (he was cited for negligent operation). Or I see him with his arm around a little old lady as he cuts her ahead on the waiting list at the restaurant and gets her settled with her husband who is not well.

Anyway, your posts all remind me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I was at the grocery store and there were a couple Moms there with two or three kids, getting holiday supplies and trying not to lose their minds. I remember those days and how I thought they'd never end. I prayed this phase goes just as quickly and maybe that there will be some part of this that I miss someday.

You are all such thoughtful parents. It is such a pleasure to read your ideas about family life at this stage.

Lynn, you are so right, there are many changes in our lives as we navigate college, grad school and first jobs. I fully expected to put off marriage until I was at least 30- I met the perfect boy right out of grad school and we were married swiftly. I have really enjoyed being able to grow and evolve during that crucial post school phase with my husband. I never would have believed you if you had told me I would marry relatively young.

Bethpen, it seems to me that the fundamentals between you and your son are solid. Friction at home as a child starts to assert his independence is as it should be, we are told. Police officers gushing about politeness, caring for little old ladies, well that is all pretty fantastic as far as I am concerned. Imagine the reverse. A polite son at home who is beastly outside would concern you much more I am sure. One of my friends always tells me our children reserve their very best ugliness for the people they feel the most safe and secure around.

Rita, "One of my friends always tells me our children reserve their very best ugliness for the people they feel the most safe and secure around." So true.

I have received many compliments from people in the world about how helpful, friendly, considerate, and "you really raised her right!" statements all during very rough times at home.

Beth, there is a point where you should step in and talk to your son. Disrespect is never acceptable. Yes, he is maturing, is navigating a new relationship, and pulling away from you, but he needs to know that you have limits too.

Sometimes humor can bring the point home.

Money seems to be the root here. If parents are still paying then....I get that. Perhaps the purse strings need to be cut--it appears to be an umbilical cord? We gave ours half what it cost--free and clear --gifted no strings. Well the one string was CALL YOUR MOTHER once a week. I wanted a habit formed (for later). It worked!! If I had said to my literature based daughter "pick a science" LIKE YOUR SIBLINGS..and I will pay for it, she would have said No thank you, and be sooo in dept and STARVING right now. Helping her kept her above water anyway. LOL. Some professions are tougher to break into. If they choose one--that is THEIRS to walk through. As predicted her road was harder fought..but she prevailed and won the day!!

My thing with dealing with adult offspring is I REMEMBER heading to college!! NO WAY IN HECK anyone was going to tell me what to study, how to live my social life. Why would I be THAT parent to mine when I didn't allow myself to be treated that way?? I will never forget when DD#2 realized I knew her older brother was drinking at college. She was REALLY worried I would FLIP OUT. I said; "This is part of college, like it or not, part of becoming, nothing I can do about it" LET IT GO. I think the SINGLE largest shock my offspring have had is how easily I transitioned into consultant from PARENT. I have been raising up adults from the moment they were born. They are ready and so was I!! I lived by the axiom "Don't make a rule you can't/won't enforce" that holds as they become adults. If they weren't ready to handle their responsibility/freedom when they graduated from high school--then it is time they caught up and the only way that will happen is if you let them try.

That first summer home from college is always a trial. THey have had total independence - no rules in college anymore. But I assured them that they were living in a FAMILY, not a dorm and it is still MY home and MY rules. There were no curfews but if they intended to be home after 1AM, they needed to call me and tell me where they were and an approximate time they would be home. It was not about me being "the boss" - it was about common courtesy. We would do the same for them - it's worrying when one doesn't know where someone is whom is cared about or when they will be home.

Their room could not be a pigsty - do it in college if you want, but not in my house. I would not tippy toe around to allow them to sleep til 1 PM. They had to share in normal household chores. I expected common courtesy.

If they didn't like it and could find a better deal, go for it! But not in my house. They were grumpy for about a week that first summer and then it was all fine.

Following arcy's axiom of "Don't make a rule you can't/won't enforce" is "Don't make a punishment/consequence that you're not prepared to follow through with".

If you say "no car" for 2 weeks then it's no car for 2 weeks, no exceptions. So be very careful about the consequences. And don't always ground them, try to be creative and make the consequence/punishment fit the transgression..

I had a (minor) situation recently, and i am curious how people would handle it. For now, I won't say how I handled it and see if suggestions are the same or different.

My 11th grader came to me and told me about a friend of his at work. He does not know her well; they have worked at the same place a few weeks and hung out once or twice. So, he comes to me and says that they were texting and she told him she had smoked pot. He wasn't sure how to reply.

What would you say to your kid who came to you with that question.

I would ask him why he didn't know how to respond. Did it make him uncomfortable, did he feel differently toward her. What are his thoughts on the subject of pot? I would just try to get an idea on where his head is at. How would he in the future feel about just responding "I don't" when someone says they smoke pot. It's great he opened up about this to you.

.....and so it begins.

I would ask, "What do you think about her sharing this information with you?" Notice I didn't say "Why?"

Hmmm, I never had a problem with using why, as in, why do you think ...(fill in the gap). I think sometimes it's down to tone and many other things when having a conversation. The way I ask "why" usually would cause them to reflect on "why", as in, why did I not know how to respond when friend said she smoked pot. If they don't know you can talk about that.

I am so glad you started this thread, Rita! I am enjoying and really letting it sink in the experiences each of you have. I know every kid is different and reacts to things differently. My DS is only 14, but have found he really is going through the phase where he thinks he is smarter than his parents! I kept hearing this would happen, and only halfway believing it would, so, for the most part, just keep enforcing our rules. I can tell if it's just "too much" at times and give him space. He's our one and only-and I am trying not to put too much pressure on him of too many expectations all at once.

I don't work out of the home, so I am ALWAYS toting him and his friends everywhere-so, I hear a lot of conversation! I sit back and drive, and listen and don't interfere with their conversations, even when I want to interject sometimes! They actually get me involved in their conversation anyway.

I wouldn't let my friends in on our personal private business between our son and us. They do let me know if they hear something-which I appreciate-but how we handle it is between our family only.

Ollie, your driving story reminded me of what my friend did once. She saw my daughter with a boy (they were holding hands) so she was curious.

She said, "Oh my, I think I'm losing it, who is that with S....?" Wouldn't be something I would do, but innovative on her part.

Ways of parenting and their differences are interesting. When my oldest had to fly back to college, she would always tell me when she was safely back. Years later I found out that sometimes she was stuck at the airport with delayed flights etc. but she would just say she was back so I wouldn't worry. I was talking to a friend about this. She said that she always tracked the flights online. This would never have occurred to me.

I don't know how I'd reply, Mtn. Sometimes kids come to us for reinforcement. I think your son probably handled it exactly right, was making sure by going to you.

When my son was 17 or 18 he came racing into the house around midnight one summer night, ran into his room saying "I need to get my drivers license so I can drive Kevin home. Will you pick me up at his house in five minutes?" Dad and I looked at each other, said Sure.

I picked him up but didn't ask what this was all about. Back home, he hugged me, said Thanks, Mom, leaned in to kiss Dad goodnight. Dad said, "You're a smart fellow and a good friend."

A few years later son told us how glad he was not to have had to explain that night why he had to drive Kevin home in Kevin's own car, though he figured we knew. Son and some other friends went late to a party, Kevin was drunk, so son, who wasn't driving, drove Kevin's car to our house to get his license so he could take Kevin home.

Sometimes the less said, the better. Kids who can go to their parents are already pretty good thinkers just needing reassurance. They know they can trust us.

Mtn, when my oldest DS was in 9th grade, he came home VERY upset one day (he was a bit of a drama queen) after learning one of his best friends had been smoking pot. He went on and on about how terrible it was. I think he was even in tears. Basically we talked about how different people make different choices and that his choice didn't make him a "bad person" blah blah blah...now my DS is 25, the same friend is still one of his best friends...and they both smoke pot. Insert eye roll here. BTW, DS has a full time job, doesn't live with us, and while I'm not happy about the pot smoking, there's nothing I can do about it.

Mtn, I'm not saying your kid is going to end up smoking pot, just sharing how kids' opinions about the stuff can change pretty dramatically later in life. I think my kid's reaction was a bit extreme!

We are currently on vacation with all 3 kids, and one decision DH and I have made (I will spare you all the reasons) is that the oldest (the 25 yo) isn't invited next time.

Olliesmom, someone upthread mentioned using humor to diffuse a situation- I have found that most useful in showing my children when they might be getting a bit too cocky for my taste. It helps keep the general temperature of the conversation low and makes the point well enough so far. (I was an only child as well- it has many advantages and a few disadvantages- like I don't have siblings to compare notes with on all this- so I am here :-)

About Mtn's son's dilemma- I'm with everyone here- a child who is talking to you about a something that is troubling him is a success in my book. I would ask questions as well- I would suspect the child was uncomfortable either because he felt the girl was pressuring him to join in or she was seeking his approval. But I would ask only open ended questions and see where the conversation went. What a nice boy that he didn't just ignore the text.

Sheesh, what a great story about a kind and responsible son who knows how to be a great friend.

Thank you again everyone for this great discussion. I hope everybody has a great weekend. Happy 150th Canada Day to everyone up North.

Another thank you for starting this thread. I have an 18 year old who is behaving incredibly selfishly and it is good to know she's not the only one. She was never one to act out until now so consequences were rare. I really think not having a huge amount of experience with consequences is a negative. Her sister is also a great kid but totally wacky and always needed loads of consequences just to keep her safe.

What a great discussion. I agree with so much you all have said and whole-heartedly believe being honest with your kids reaps much respect. Individual and group heart-to-heart talks, family dinners and allowing them to express themselves in any words they choose are the norm. Kindness, tolerance, understanding and a healthy sense of humor are expected and a clean bedroom is only a wish. So many opportunities present themselves as teaching moments, and we pounce on those. Music, movies, books and the outdoors seem to keep us connected. Thankfully, my kids learned at a young age that adolescent drama was uninteresting to them. While we escaped many of those phases, I do wonder if they feel they somehow missed out on something. LOL

Daisy, my eldest is off to university this fall and I think he is feeling some pressure. He has very high expectations for himself and I can see he is getting nervous about living up to his expectations. He has had a ton of experience at the school where he will attend from enrichment to regular classes to staying on campus for weeks at a time, yet he still worries and the worry shortens his already too-short-for- my-taste temper. Maybe your daughter is acting out a bit now because she feels she can from the safety of her current life as she contemplates the next step?

Kim, isn't that just such a key, keeping everyone connected? It can be such a challenge with crazy schedules and unholy amounts of homework. I always swore that if the extracurricular and homework work loads got to be too much, we'd go the boarding school route because I wanted to enjoy my children when I had and them and not just chauffeur them around while making sure they were checking off boxes. Finding ways of sharing joys and passions really has made a huge difference for our family.

Rita, my oldest is about to start his third year in college. He is a very anxious and smart young man. He was extremely apprehensive about moving away, but knew it would be the best way to grow as a young adult. He was desperate to come home as often as he could (the University is two and a half hours away) and would call frequently practically in tears over all the things, large and small, that were out of his comfort zone. I learned in the first few weeks to not allow myself to ride the roller coaster with him, but it took him a year and a half to realize he was thriving in spite of all that anxiety. After his first year, I asked him what he had learned besides academics. In his dark humor, he said if his father and I died tomorrow, he would be able to take care of himself. Yay!

As someone said earlier, they mature so much each year after high school. We're so proud watching him evolve, finding his own voice, discovering the world through interactions and conversations with other adults that we haven't put in his life. The greatest thing is he has proven to himself that he has value to others, not because his parents tell him so. People with anxiety have a hard time with that one, and their fear of not meeting some ideal often times exhibits itself as anger. Hopefully, your son will find outlets for that stress on campus. The best advice I can think of to give him is to reach out to those on campus who could help him (sometimes that will be an advisor or professor and sometimes it will be another student) and not procrastinate if he starts to feel overwhelmed (because molehills become mountains very quickly when you have anxiety). Best wishes to him.

Daisy, my kids, like your daughter, never really needed consequences or punishments, so I don't see not suffering consequences your daughter didn't need as a reason for her acting out now. She isn't really a selfish person, so whatever the reasons for her recent behaviour will probably resolve themselves soon.

Rita, my kids were all confident very high achievers in high school. They were valedictorians in a highly competitive high school in classes of several hundred students, presidents of their class, drum major, football and baseball captain, national merit scholars, acted in the plays or played in the pit orchestras...

They all did exceptionally well, and every one of them went to college and was overwhelmed by how much smarter and more talented everyone else was! I think it's normal for your son to be worried about his future and how well he will do, probably smart of him to realize it.

Parenting is the hardest job there is. I think if we parents can somehow just wait out the passions and outbursts of young adulthood, the kids will be fine in the end. My kids are now in their thirties and forties, and we are still worrying about them! We all do our best and hope things go well. Sounds to me like you're doing the right things. Breathe deep!

Kim, "... their fear of not meeting some ideal often times exhibits itself as anger," absolutely DS1 to a T. Thank you so much for sharing your son's experiences. I cannot tell you how nice it is to hear from someone who understands this personality type.

I'm so glad to hear your son has learned to appreciate his value. Watching a child bloom and feel his strength and worth must be one of the most gratifying parenting experiences- from the small steps to the big ones- watching them become themselves is powerful.

Our son will be attending college in his hometown- the twist is his home is moving. We are spending the next few years abroad for DH's work. So there will be much familiarity on the one hand, but no easy comfort of home nearby.

I will definitely start discussing the importance of reaching out- which is not his strong suit.

And yes a thousand times to molehills becoming mountains quickly when you are an anxious person. I am so like that myself- so long as I am on top of everything, I can do many things. Once I let something slip, I have a very hard time recovering as I berate myself for letting things go and then things slip further ...

I will have DS read your post. Thank you so very much.

My goodness, Rita, that's a huge huge twist. We moved only 52 miles for my husband's work the year my youngest son graduated from high school. We thought we had timed the move perfectly for the three youngest kids, but oh boy, did we underestimate how difficult it was for our 18 year old son.

Not only did he worry about college, but his feelings of loneliness and isolation were sometimes overwhelming for my son. Your son may already be lonely anticipating your absence. This is quite an upheaval for him.

I know you know that, so I hope I don't sound like an old scold. I'm sure you're excited for your new adventure, as I would be, and are confident and concerned about your son's upcoming experiences. As careful as we thought we were being about our move, we really underestimated how hard it would be for that particular kid. And to be honest, he was never an anxious kid. He happily anticipated the move, but the reality hit hard.

Kids do adjust, and yours will, too. As Kim repeated from another post, they evolve so much. You'll be amazed. There may be lots of tears and anger, but he'll make it through. Eighteen is really very young and frightening for most people.

I wish you the best.

Rita, I'm glad to be of any kind of help. You are a role model for self-advocacy to your son by reaching out. : ) Another thing I tried to instill in my son was empowerment. By paying tuition, there is an expectation of service. If you need anything from anyone at the University, they are obliged to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for and expect guidance. You're only 18 for goodness sake! Chanel your frustrations into results that will benefit your education and relieve stress. Then go do something fun...

Lest I sound like the craziest mother on the planet for the timing of this move. We discussed and encouraged DS to take a gap year and either travel with us, or go off on his own (this is not a new idea for him- I have always liked the concept and encouraged him to consider it before) the answer from him has always been the same though- no thank you. DS is in a huge rush to become an engineer- he was born that way.

Also, I had always encouraged DS to go to school on the East Coast. This idea had very little to no appeal to him. DS loves traveling the world, but when it comes to the US, he loves Northern California best of all. East Coast schools were back ups should he not have gotten into his first choice (which he was admitted to early decision.)

We have kept the house in the very same town DS will go to school in and it will be occupied by our housekeeper and our cockatiel. In addition I am planning on having the kitchen remodeled, so I will have an excuse to visit every month. However, I am very sure I am not the person he will be missing the most- that distinction will be held by DS2 who is only one year behind and working very hard to get into the same school.

Frosh orientation begins Spt. 19. The brothers (DS 2-4) have a two week fall break around Halloween, so perhaps a long weekend in SF could be arranged- if that seems like a good idea we could absolutely do that. And then we will spend Thanksgiving in NYC all together- and then there are three weeks for Christmas and so on and so forth.

The last mitigating circumstance is that DS has a very close relationship with a professor at the school already - I am pretty sure they will see each other at least weekly at Mass (this prof. was DS's Confirmation sponsor.)

Thank you so much sheesh and Kim for your kind and thoughtful feedback.

Kim, I am very grateful to you for your offer of help.

There is a very good chance your son will meet students during orientation that will at least help him get through the first semester. My son is still friends with a couple of people from that first day. He made more friends by joining a couple of clubs, and even more through a service learning trip. He has said "yes" more times than he may have felt comfortable, but it has led to experiences that are valuable to him and given him opportunities to help in the community and meet interesting people. As a Math major, he was offered a tutoring position by the department which would be an ego-boost to many. His anxiety kept him from accepting the offer last year, but he's strongly considering it this year. Like we've said, constantly evolving.

As sheesh described how confident her kids were in high school, I couldn't help buy envy them. My children have always excelled but also have always doubted themselves. I keep telling them their anxiety will lessen as they become accomplished adults. Needless to say, they wish they could fast-forward to that day.

Absolutely, your sons will miss each other, but you will swell with glee when you witness their homecoming each time. My son and his 17-year old sisters have actually become more close now that he has "moved away." I have passed on a couple of family outings through the years just so I could see how excited my husband and kids were to share their experiences. Hopefully, the distance created by your situation will offer some of those moments.